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About The Siuslaw news. (Florence, Lane County, Or.) 1960-current | View Entire Issue (Dec. 17, 2016)
SIUSLAW NEWS ❚ SATURDAY, DECEMBER 17, 2016 Don’t let fruitcake ruin your holidays Ned Hickson Recent studies show that anxiety during the holidays is not only common but, in many cases, the result of FDAD — Fruitcake Disposal Anxiety Disorder. On one hand, your fruit- cake is often given as a gift and therefore deserving of some measure of apprecia- tion. On the other hand, you may have already ditched it into your neighbor’s yard, where it has become a chew toy for their pit bull. This often leads to feelings of anxiety, particularly when you see “Buster,” still intoxi- cated with rum, struggling to dislodge the sugar loaf from his tightly-clenched jaws. So, as a service to our readers, we assembled a group of psychiatrists to help provide insight into dealing with FDAD. At a cost of more than $200 an hour, we held an informative, three- minute discussion to create the following self-help guide: I’m OK — You’re OK. But Give Me a Fruitcake and I’ll Kill You. What follows is an easy, four-step guide to help FDAD sufferers control their fruit- cake anxiety. Step one: Make a list of your fruitcake’s good quali- ties! The key is to start with what makes fruitcake unique. For example: Its indestructi- bility. You may not like fruit- cake, but you have to respect the fact that cockroaches will be eating it long after humans are being imported to other galaxies on alien party plat- ters. Step two: Incorporate fruitcake into your daily activities. This is easy once you stop thinking of fruitcake as “food.” In the same way that Tofurkey is slowly gain- ing acceptance as an environ- mentally safe adhesive, fruit- cake doesn’t seem so bad once you’ve started using it to block open the garage door. Or as a counterweight on the gas peddle while your car warms up each morning. The point is, if it’s good Pre-Super Bowl Bingo to benefit SHS seniors Though the Super Bowl isn’t until February, tickets for the Pre-Super Bowl Bingo Bash are available now. The event, which will ben- efit Siuslaw’s 2017 Project Graduation, will be held Saturday, Feb. 4, at the Three Rivers Casino Resort Events Center. The Bingo Bash will include a chance to win more than $5,000 worth of gifts and prizes. Cost is $25, which includes two bingo cards, with extra cards avail- able for purchase at the door, as well as food and drinks. The Bingo Bash is open to all ages. Prizes include: • 7-night stay in Las Vegas • 3-night weeknd at Sun River, including dinner • 4 Beaver baseball tickets • Three Rivers golf mem- bership and private golf les- son • Spa packages • City Lights movie pack- age • Fred Meyer shopping spree • Safeway shopping spree • Spa and dinner packages • And more To purchase advanced tickets, contact Michelle Rose (541-999-0401) or Kay King (541-997-2248). enough to serve as a “bunker buster” for our military, it’s good enough to serve as a doorstop in your family’s home. Step three: Consider turn- ing your fruitcake into a treasured heirloom by getting it engraved and then giving it to someone! Just add your name and date, and you can pass this special keepsake on to someone else at the next available birthday party, wed- ding, house warming, Earth Day celebration, etc. And finally, if after follow- ing these first three steps you’re still unable to control your symptoms, go directly to Step four: Investing in a ticket to Mantiou Springs, Colo., for the annual Great Fruitcake Toss. Each January, this event draws hundreds of people from around the world for the sole purpose of showing off their fruitcakes. And then catapulting them as far as possible. Sure, this may sound stu- pid, but... OK, yeah — it’s pretty stu- pid. However, our experts agreed launching fruitcakes great distances can provide FDAD sufferers with a sense of empowerment that can quell anxiety. As one expert explained, “Your three minutes are up.” We hope this has been helpful. We also hope no one sends us fruitcake as a show of appreciation. Ned is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. His latest book, “Pearls of Writing Wisdom: From 16 years as a shucking columnist” is at www.Port HoleBooks.com. Voice Your Opinion! Tradition Never Tasted So Good No mess. No fuss. No dishes! Enjoy a classic Christmas feast with all of the trimmings and none of the hassles this holiday. EDITOR@ THESIUSLAWNEWS.COM Readers Choice Voted #1 Realtor Pre-Order your Smoked or Baked Turkey, Ham, or Prime Rib Whole Pies: • Pumpkin • Pecan • Toasted Almond Orders need to be in by the 19th and pick up will be on the 24th by 4pm please call today. Craig’s Family BBQ Restaurant 1161 Hwy. 101 - 541-997-8636 www.craigsbbq.com Voice Your Opinion! Write to: EDITOR@THESIUSLAWNEWS.COM CYAN MAGENTA YELLOW BLACK 12 A
