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About The Siuslaw news. (Florence, Lane County, Or.) 1960-current | View Entire Issue (June 8, 2016)
6 A SIUSLAW NEWS ❚ WEDNESDAY, JUNE 8, 2016 A public service message about horrible pickup lines Ned Hickson I’ve been ridiculously happily married for almost 10 years now, so the singles bar scene is a long-forgotten memory. Or maybe just a deeply repressed one. Either way, it all came screaming back over the weekend when an old friend came to town and treated me to a beer at a local hangout. As we began catching up, we couldn’t help but over- hear a series of pickup lines being exchanged by a group of 20-somethings who — at least in their minds, and thanks to several happy-hour pilsners each — had assem- bled a list of clever lines “No woman could resist!” Their words, not mine. In a moment, you’ll understand why. Think of this as a Public Service Announcement of sorts, aimed at single men everywhere, and in particular to that group of 20-some- things once they’ve sobered up; I felt obligated to jot down some of your “fail proof” pick-up lines and explain — through a “trial” and “error” format — what you can expect should those lines leave your mouths in the general direction of an actual living female. Let us begin… Trial: Do you like magic? Because I’d like to make your clothes disappear. Error: Even David Copperfield wouldn’t attempt this horrible pick-up line. If you do, chances are the only thing disappearing will be her drink in your face. Trial: Do you know CPR? Because baby, I think I’m having a heart attack! Error: This is particularly ineffective for men over the age of 40, who could easily be mistaken for having an actual heart attack. Nothing says “sexy” like coronary infarction. Trial: I’m not a religious man, but you make me want to shout hallelujah! Error: I must warn you there is a very real risk of being struck by lightning from God at the sheer stu- pidity of that line. Trial: If I were Captain Kirk, I would love to boldly go where no man has gone before. Error: Better keep that one in your Captain’s Log because it will send women away faster than you can say “Warp speed, Mr. Sulu.” DanceAbility brings eclectic dance to Florence “Don’t Leave Me” is an enthralling modern dance per- formance that celebrates cre- ativity and the potential that is only possible when people with and without disabilities work together as equals. This is the first professional mixed-abilities performance to ever be shown in Florence. It is also the first time that DanceAbility International will perform in Florence. “Don’t Leave Me” is pre- sented by the DanceAbility International dance company in collaboration with the University of Oregon School of Architecture, which designed the set structures. The show explores how we are all dependent on each other and how space deter- mines action and vice versa. The dancers use the ever- changing set design as appar- el, as furniture and as architec- ture. The human and architec- tural bodies act as a symbiotic D EADLINE FOR that nobody should be left out or left behind. This performance will open audience’s hearts and minds. It shows the unlimited potential of people when disabilities are not viewed as something infe- rior. The dancers with and without disabilities create and express together as equals. DanceAbility International performances surprise and delight, as they dissolve labels and barriers. This project is made possi- ble in part by Western Lane COURTESY PHOTO Community Foundation, Plum Members of DanceAbility perform an original modern Creek Foundation, and Lane County Cultural Coalition, dance, “Don’t Leave Me.” with operating support from Lane Arts Council and Oregon community. She immediately called out Arts Commission. This cross-discipline collab- to the dancers below her “Don’t Leave Me” will be oration of dance and architec- “don’t leave me!” performed at the Florence ture takes risks with frames This became the title of the Events Center June 10, at 7 and bodies. During a rehears- piece. p.m. al, one of the dancers was high It speaks to our interde- For tickets, visit www.event up on the designed structure pendence and also the center.org or call 541-997- and felt it start to shake. DanceAbility method belief 1994. P RESS R ELEASES I S E VERY M ONDAY AND T HURSDAY E MAIL P RESS R ELEASES @T HE S IUSLAW N EWS . COM . BY their favorite pick-up line starts out like this: “Hi, my name is…” If any of you in that group of 20-somethings is reading this, there’s no need to thank me. If one woman is saved from enduring any of those torturous pickup lines, that will be thanks enough. Not to mention the lives this column might end up saving. Trial: Someone call the police because I think you just stole my heart! Error: With a line like this, the only call anyone is going to make will be to the 1980s so they will come take you back. Assuming they want you. And lastly, Trial: Baby, your smile is so sweet it should come with a calorie count. Error: As any supermodel will tell you, there’s no point in counting calories when you’re too busy throwing up after a line like that. In a random poll taken here in our office, women unanimously agreed that Ned is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. His book, “Humor at the Speed of Life,” is available online at Port Hole Publications, Amazon Books and Barnes & Noble. Write to him at nedhickson @icloud.com Make friends, play cards June 9 The Friendship Club will meet at Driftwood Shores Restaurant at 11 a.m. Thursday, June 9. The Friendship Club meets every month on the second Thursday, September through June. In addition to luncheons, the club sponsors card games: Pinochle on Thursdays; triple play on Mondays; 5 crowns on Tuesdays; and Hand and Foot on Fridays. This month’s guest speaker will be Florence Fire Marshal Sean Barrett of the Siuslaw Valley Fire and Rescue. In addition to playing cards, the club sponsor’s fundraisers for the benefit of the local community. Annual dues are $15. For more information, con- tact membership chairwoman Mary Danforth at 541-590- 5012. Stocks. Bonds. CDs. IRAs. Mutual funds. Andy Baber, AAMS® Financial Advisor . 1010 Highway 101 Florence, OR 97439 541-997-8755 www.edwardjones.com N OON . 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