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SIUSLAW NEWS ❚ WEDNESDAY, JUNE 8, 2016
A public service message about horrible pickup lines
Ned
Hickson
I’ve been ridiculously
happily married for almost
10 years now, so the singles
bar scene is a long-forgotten
memory.
Or maybe just a deeply
repressed one.
Either way, it all came
screaming back over the
weekend when an old friend
came to town and treated me
to a beer at a local hangout.
As we began catching up,
we couldn’t help but over-
hear a series of pickup lines
being exchanged by a group
of 20-somethings who — at
least in their minds, and
thanks to several happy-hour
pilsners each — had assem-
bled a list of clever lines
“No woman could resist!”
Their words, not mine.
In a moment, you’ll
understand why.
Think of this as a Public
Service Announcement of
sorts, aimed at single men
everywhere, and in particular
to that group of 20-some-
things once they’ve sobered
up; I felt obligated to jot
down some of your “fail
proof” pick-up lines and
explain — through a “trial”
and “error” format — what
you can expect should those
lines leave your mouths in
the general direction of an
actual living female.
Let us begin…
Trial: Do you like magic?
Because I’d like to make
your clothes disappear.
Error: Even David
Copperfield wouldn’t
attempt this horrible pick-up
line. If you do, chances are
the only thing disappearing
will be her drink in your
face.
Trial: Do you know CPR?
Because baby, I think I’m
having a heart attack!
Error: This is particularly
ineffective for men over the
age of 40, who could easily
be mistaken for having an
actual heart attack. Nothing
says “sexy” like coronary
infarction.
Trial: I’m not a religious
man, but you make me want
to shout hallelujah!
Error: I must warn you
there is a very real risk of
being struck by lightning
from God at the sheer stu-
pidity of that line.
Trial: If I were Captain
Kirk, I would love to boldly
go where no man has gone
before.
Error: Better keep that
one in your Captain’s Log
because it will send women
away faster than you can say
“Warp speed, Mr. Sulu.”
DanceAbility brings eclectic dance to Florence
“Don’t Leave Me” is an
enthralling modern dance per-
formance that celebrates cre-
ativity and the potential that is
only possible when people
with and without disabilities
work together as equals.
This is the first professional
mixed-abilities performance to
ever be shown in Florence. It
is also the first time that
DanceAbility International
will perform in Florence.
“Don’t Leave Me” is pre-
sented by the DanceAbility
International dance company
in collaboration with the
University of Oregon School
of
Architecture,
which
designed the set structures.
The show explores how we
are all dependent on each
other and how space deter-
mines action and vice versa.
The dancers use the ever-
changing set design as appar-
el, as furniture and as architec-
ture. The human and architec-
tural bodies act as a symbiotic
D EADLINE
FOR
that nobody should be left out
or left behind.
This performance will open
audience’s hearts and minds. It
shows the unlimited potential
of people when disabilities are
not viewed as something infe-
rior. The dancers with and
without disabilities create and
express together as equals.
DanceAbility International
performances surprise and
delight, as they dissolve labels
and barriers.
This project is made possi-
ble in part by Western Lane
COURTESY PHOTO Community Foundation, Plum
Members of DanceAbility perform an original modern Creek Foundation, and Lane
County Cultural Coalition,
dance, “Don’t Leave Me.”
with operating support from
Lane Arts Council and Oregon
community.
She immediately called out Arts Commission.
This cross-discipline collab- to the dancers below her
“Don’t Leave Me” will be
oration of dance and architec- “don’t leave me!”
performed at the Florence
ture takes risks with frames
This became the title of the Events Center June 10, at 7
and bodies. During a rehears- piece.
p.m.
al, one of the dancers was high
It speaks to our interde-
For tickets, visit www.event
up on the designed structure pendence and also the center.org or call 541-997-
and felt it start to shake.
DanceAbility method belief 1994.
P RESS R ELEASES I S E VERY M ONDAY AND T HURSDAY
E MAIL P RESS R ELEASES @T HE S IUSLAW N EWS . COM .
BY
their favorite pick-up line
starts out like this: “Hi, my
name is…”
If any of you in that group
of 20-somethings is reading
this, there’s no need to thank
me. If one woman is saved
from enduring any of those
torturous pickup lines, that
will be thanks enough.
Not to mention the lives
this column might end up
saving.
Trial: Someone call the
police because I think you
just stole my heart!
Error: With a line like
this, the only call anyone is
going to make will be to the
1980s so they will come take
you back. Assuming they
want you.
And lastly,
Trial: Baby, your smile is
so sweet it should come with
a calorie count.
Error: As any supermodel
will tell you, there’s no point
in counting calories when
you’re too busy throwing up
after a line like that.
In a random poll taken
here in our office, women
unanimously agreed that
Ned is a syndicated columnist
with News Media Corporation.
His book, “Humor at the Speed
of Life,” is available online at
Port Hole Publications, Amazon
Books and Barnes & Noble.
Write to him at nedhickson
@icloud.com
Make friends, play cards June 9
The Friendship Club will
meet at Driftwood Shores
Restaurant at 11 a.m.
Thursday, June 9.
The Friendship Club meets
every month on the second
Thursday, September through
June.
In addition to luncheons,
the club sponsors card games:
Pinochle on Thursdays; triple
play on Mondays; 5 crowns
on Tuesdays; and Hand and
Foot on Fridays.
This month’s guest speaker
will be Florence Fire Marshal
Sean Barrett of the Siuslaw
Valley Fire and Rescue.
In addition to playing
cards, the club sponsor’s
fundraisers for the benefit of
the local community.
Annual dues are $15.
For more information, con-
tact membership chairwoman
Mary Danforth at 541-590-
5012.
Stocks.
Bonds. CDs.
IRAs. Mutual
funds.
Andy Baber, AAMS®
Financial Advisor
.
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