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About The Siuslaw news. (Florence, Lane County, Or.) 1960-current | View Entire Issue (Feb. 3, 2016)
SIUSLAW NEWS ❚ WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 3, 2016 7 A Live scorpions could make some sports more exciting forming feats of athletic skill Ned I can only achieve in my Hickson dreams (after which I usually Like millions of other red- blooded, unathletic men across America, I will be spending a good portion of Super Bowl Sunday sitting on the couch, eating handfuls of assorted snack foods, and whining every time a player from my team makes even the teeniest mistake. It doesn’t matter that these men are per- wake up with a pulled groin muscle.) And it doesn’t mat- ter that each of these men possesses more muscle mass than my entire body weight plus a mid-sized SUV. The reason these things don’t matter to us men is because we know THOSE men can’t actually hear us. If they could, then Super Bowl parties as we know them would cease to exist: Git Certii cates make Git Certii cates make the perfect git for the for perfect git Day! for your Sweetheart Valentine’s your Sweetheart on Valentine’s Day! s “Did you see number 42?! That idiot completely missed the tackle!” “Hey, Bill — I think he’s looking at you.” “What...?” “Try moving over by the cheese dip — oh yeah, he’s definitely looking right at you.” “What’s he holding up?” “I think it’s some kind of fancy GPS device.” “Why’s he smiling like that?” “Quick, Bill! Change the channel!” This obvious exaggeration was done to make a point, which is that, aside from leaving for work one morning and being tackled through the screen door by a 310-pound linebacker, nothing can keep a man from shouting at the TV during a sporting event. In fact, my friend, who owns one of those giant TVs with picture-in-picture viewing, has taken this to a new level by learning to yell at four dif- ferent games at once. While this is certainly an impressive display of multi- tasking, watching a game with him is like watching a game with a sports fanatic suffering from Multiple Personality Disorder. I should clarify that not all sporting events fuel a man’s primal need to yell at the TV. One example is bowling. The reason is simple: There’s no element of physical danger involved. True, there’s always the underlying risk of some- one’s fingers getting pinched between two bowling balls, but it just doesn’t evoke the same level of danger as it would if bowlers had to actu- ally compete for the ball in a tip-off before each frame: “...The ball goes UP-and- now-down, off the head of Czechoslovakia’s Sirius Kunkussion, and onto the foot of Floppy Sesamoid, who is now gasping for air from the hand blower...” It’s pretty much the same thing for golf and tennis; no real danger involved. And even though golf does use exciting terms like Water Hazard! Sand Trap! and Sudden Death!, we all know the only real danger is if someone forgets to pack a sweater for the senior tour. However, in both sports, a few well-placed scorpions could make all the difference: “What a beautiful shot by Fowler, eh Tom?” “Yes it was, Frank, but he seems a little hesitant to get his ball.” “Well, Tom, Rickie’s a smart young man. He knows there’s a good chance that one of the three remaining scorpi- on hazards is probably in that cup.” “That’s a good point. But remember: He does still have one last caddy-option left. The question, of course, is whether to use him here, or save him for the sand trap.” Or tennis: “In case you’re just tuning in, it’s advantage Williams, which means Kerber must win this next point if she wants to stay alive — no easy feat, I must say. “That’s right, Tom. As you can see, they have just released the scorpions on Kerber’s side of the court. One wrong step, and she could — WHOA! I think we’ve just lost another ball boy...” Now, before I get a bunch of angry letters from bowlers, tennis players, golfers and scorpions, I just want to say that I have nothing but the utmost respect for those sports (and for scorpions in general). The last thing I want to do is offend anyone with a racket, golf club, or good enough aim with a bowling ball to drop a 7-10 split. Especially since we just had the screen door fixed. Ned is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. His book, “Humor at the Speed of Life,” is available online at Port Hole Publications, Amazon Books and Barnes & Noble. Write to him at nedhickson@icloud.com. 351 51 Laurel L l 541-997-3160 ‘Our Town’ to discuss poetry, Rhody Days and more 185 Nopal Street PO Box 2566 ~ Florence, OR 541-999-1913 best or 997-1234 Dgrigsby61@hotmail.com by Appointment only “A Holistic Approach to Counseling through Mindfulness and Meditation” Burns’s Riverside Chapel Florence Funeral Home Spoken word poetry, the Rhododendron Festival junior and senior courts, a continuing education program at Lane Community College in Florence and a fundraiser for the Children’s Repertory of Oregon Workshop (CROW) will be the topics of conversa- tion on today’s edition of “Our Town” on KCST 106.9 FM. Host Bob Sneddon will visit with Stephen Fowler and Noah Schultz to learn how poetry is helping turn their lives around. Both were just 17 years old when they were sentenced to 90 months in the custody of the Oregon Youth Authority. They’re nearing the end of their sentences and since their incarceration, Schultz has earned two bachelor’s degrees and Fowler is nearing comple- tion of his first. Your Community Friend- Compassionate Care for you and your loved ones. 2765 Kingwood St. Florence, OR 24 Hours 541-997-3416 burnsriversidechapel.com We invite you to join us. •Wednesday, 7 p.m. - Family Connections •Sunday, 9:00 a.m. - Bible Study •Sunday, 10:30 a.m. - Worship Service Corner of 10th & Maple St. • 541-997-3533 www.florencecrossroad.org email: office@florencecrossroad.org February 3rd, 2016 (Wed.) 1:00 PM to 2:30 PM Spruce Point Assisted Living and Memory Care Community 375 9th Street Florence, OR 97439 Five years ago they each experienced the power and importance of Spoken Word Poetry. They’ve both become quite accomplished in their writing and oral presentations and are undertaking an effort to reach out to high school stu- dents to let them know they can find their own voice — and maybe change their life as well. They’re doing it with some help of the Florence Regional Arts Alliance (FRAA). Bettie Egerton and Karen Brown are joining the conversation to talk about the “Give Youth a Voice” effort. FRAA will host a fund- raising activity on Saturday, Feb. 20, at the FRAA Art Center in Old Town Florence. Proceeds from the “Love Gone Bad, You Done Me Wrong” poetry and song party will be used to help offset the costs of the project. Also on Our Town will be Cindy Wobbe and Eric Tanikawa. Wobbe is one of two Rhododendron Festival senior court advisors. Tanikawa is the boys’ junior court wrangler. The junior boys are a new addition to the festival this year. Wobbe and Tanikawa will talk about the court responsi- bilities and a few other new “wrinkles.” Melanie Heard, the artistic director for CROW (Children’s Repertory of Oregon Workshops) in Florence will visit Our Town as well. Joining her will be Cameron Utz, who was recently cast as “Donkey” in the CROW muscial produc- tion of “Shrek, Jr.” that is com- ing later this spring. They, too, are hosting a fundraiser, which will be Saturday, Feb. 13, at the Florence Events Center. Proceeds will go toward the remodeling fund for the new CROW headquarters. Rounding out the lineup on Our Town will be Marsha Sills, the continuing education coor- dinator for the Florence Campus of Lane Community College. Sills will talk about how she can help students of any age connect with the class- es offered at LCC. Sponsors of this edition of Our Town include: Andy Baber of Edward Jones Investments; Holloway and Associates CPA’s; the Archives Photo Restoration Specialists, and PeaceHealth. Today’s show airs from 4 to 6 p.m., and tomorrow, Feb. 4, from 10 a.m. to noon, on KCFM, AM1250/FM104.1. POLICE LOG Florence Police Jan. 25 Alarm was reported in the 5700 block of Canary Road. Fraud was reported in the 1500 block of Ninth Street. Burglary was reported in the 1600 block of Rhododendron Drive. Burglary was reported in the first block of Marielle Lane. Hit-and-run accident was reported in the 4700 block of Highway 101. Alarm was reported in the 1600 block of 21st Street. Harassment was reported in the 100 block of Outer Drive. Alarm was reported in the 800 block of Munsel Creek Loop. Arrest, with warrant, was reported in the 700 block of Highway 101. Alarm was reported in the 3200 block of Oak Street. Dispute was reported in the 1700 block of 43rd Street. Hit-and-run accident was reported on Glenada Ridge. Accident, without injury, was reported in the 2100 block of 20th Street. Alarm was reported in the 1900 block of Highway 101. Jan. 26 Assault was reported in the 1800 block of 37th Street. Trespass was reported in the 16800 block of Highway 36. Trespass was reported in the 1300 block of Mulberry Lane. Theft was reported in the 700 block of Highway 101. Dispute was reported in the 2400 block of Oak Street. Intoxicated subject was reported in the 85600 block of Highway 101. Alarm was reported in the 83300 block of Clear Lake Road. Alarm was reported in the 2200 block of Oak Street. Jan. 27 Harassment was reported in the 3800 block of Spruce Street. Loud noise was reported in the 1700 block of 43rd Street. Dispute was reported in the 1800 block of 18th Street. Fraud was reported in the 700 block of Highway 101. Accident, without injury, was reported in the 1300 block of Airport Road. Fraud was reported in the 1700 block of W. Park Drive. Disorderly subject was reported in the 400 block of Ninth Street. Jan. 28 Harassment was reported in the 1200 block of Highway 101. Dispute was reported in the 85100 block of Highway 101. Disorderly subject was reported in the 200 block of Highway 101. Harassment was reported in the 700 block of Highway 101. Alarm was reported in the 200 block of Laurel Street. Theft was reported in the 1000 block of Maple Street. Child abuse was reported in the first block of Park Village Drive. Dispute was reported in the 1300 block of 11th Street. Child neglect was reported in the 1000 block of Maple Street. DENTURE SERVICES INC. Here to serve your denture needs: Call 1-800-272-3900 to register Dentures Immediate Dentures Implant Dentures Relines and Repairs Class is Free FREE CONSULTATIONS William Foster LD Sherry, Offi ce Manager Monday-Thursday 10am - 2 pm Relines and Repairs Same Day Or by special appointment Financing: Citi Health Card 12 Month no Interest 524 Laurel St. 541-997-6054 Theft was reported in the 4700 block of Highway 101. Alarm was reported in the 2800 block of Rhododendron Drive. Fire was reported in the 89400 block of Shore Crest Drive. Theft was reported in the 1800 block of Highway 101. Trespass was reported in the 1800 block of 37th Street. Dispute was reported in the 1600 block of 19th Street. Jan. 29 Alarm was reported in the Florence area. Illegal camping, lodging was reported in the 500 block of Ninth Street. Accident, with injury, was reported in the 1800 block of Highway 101. Alarm was reported in the 1400 block of Spruce Street. Theft was reported in the 700 block of Highway 101. Alarm was reported in the 800 block of Munsel Creek Loop. Arrest, with warrant, was reported in the 1900 block of 16th Street. Accident, without injury, was reported at milepost 4.5 on Highway 36. Jan. 30 Theft was reported in the 900 block of Highway 101. Criminal mischief was reported in the 1100 block of Highway 101. DUII was reported in the 5600 block of Highway 126. Criminal mischief was reported in the 800 block of Highway 101. Unlawful entry of vehicle was reported in the 1000 block of Maple Street. Theft was reported in the 900 block of Highway 101. Dispute was reported at Ernhart and Clearlake roads.