SIUSLAW NEWS ❚ WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 3, 2016
7 A
Live scorpions could make some sports more exciting
forming feats of athletic skill
Ned
I can only achieve in my
Hickson dreams (after which I usually
Like millions of other red-
blooded, unathletic men
across America, I will be
spending a good portion of
Super Bowl Sunday sitting on
the couch, eating handfuls of
assorted snack foods, and
whining every time a player
from my team makes even the
teeniest mistake. It doesn’t
matter that these men are per-
wake up with a pulled groin
muscle.) And it doesn’t mat-
ter that each of these men
possesses more muscle mass
than my entire body weight
plus a mid-sized SUV.
The reason these things
don’t matter to us men is
because we know THOSE
men can’t actually hear us. If
they could, then Super Bowl
parties as we know them
would cease to exist:
Git Certii cates make
Git Certii cates make the perfect git for
the for
perfect
git Day!
for
your Sweetheart
Valentine’s
your Sweetheart on
Valentine’s Day!
s
“Did you see number 42?!
That idiot completely missed
the tackle!”
“Hey, Bill — I think he’s
looking at you.”
“What...?”
“Try moving over by the
cheese dip — oh yeah, he’s
definitely looking right at
you.”
“What’s he holding up?”
“I think it’s some kind of
fancy GPS device.”
“Why’s he smiling like
that?”
“Quick, Bill! Change the
channel!”
This obvious exaggeration
was done to make a point,
which is that, aside from
leaving for work one morning
and being tackled through the
screen door by a 310-pound
linebacker, nothing can keep
a man from shouting at the
TV during a sporting event.
In fact, my friend, who owns
one of those giant TVs with
picture-in-picture viewing,
has taken this to a new level
by learning to yell at four dif-
ferent games at once.
While this is certainly an
impressive display of multi-
tasking, watching a game
with him is like watching a
game with a sports fanatic
suffering from Multiple
Personality Disorder.
I should clarify that not all
sporting events fuel a man’s
primal need to yell at the TV.
One example is bowling.
The reason is simple: There’s
no element of physical danger
involved. True, there’s always
the underlying risk of some-
one’s fingers getting pinched
between two bowling balls,
but it just doesn’t evoke the
same level of danger as it
would if bowlers had to actu-
ally compete for the ball in a
tip-off before each frame:
“...The ball goes UP-and-
now-down, off the head of
Czechoslovakia’s Sirius
Kunkussion, and onto the foot
of Floppy Sesamoid, who is
now gasping for air from the
hand blower...”
It’s pretty much the same
thing for golf and tennis; no
real danger involved. And
even though golf does use
exciting terms like Water
Hazard! Sand Trap! and
Sudden Death!, we all know
the only real danger is if
someone forgets to pack a
sweater for the senior tour.
However, in both sports, a
few well-placed scorpions
could make all the difference:
“What a beautiful shot by
Fowler, eh Tom?”
“Yes it was, Frank, but he
seems a little hesitant to get
his ball.”
“Well, Tom, Rickie’s a
smart young man. He knows
there’s a good chance that one
of the three remaining scorpi-
on hazards is probably in that
cup.”
“That’s a good point. But
remember: He does still have
one last caddy-option left.
The question, of course, is
whether to use him here, or
save him for the sand trap.”
Or tennis:
“In case you’re just tuning
in, it’s advantage Williams,
which means Kerber must
win this next point if she
wants to stay alive — no easy
feat, I must say.
“That’s right, Tom. As you
can see, they have just
released the scorpions on
Kerber’s side of the court.
One wrong step, and she
could — WHOA! I think
we’ve just lost another ball
boy...”
Now, before I get a bunch
of angry letters from bowlers,
tennis players, golfers and
scorpions, I just want to say
that I have nothing but the
utmost respect for those
sports (and for scorpions in
general). The last thing I want
to do is offend anyone with a
racket, golf club, or good
enough aim with a bowling
ball to drop a 7-10 split.
Especially since we just
had the screen door fixed.
Ned is a syndicated columnist
with News Media Corporation.
His book, “Humor at the Speed of
Life,” is available online at Port
Hole Publications, Amazon Books
and Barnes & Noble. Write to him
at nedhickson@icloud.com.
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“A Holistic Approach to Counseling through
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Burns’s Riverside Chapel
Florence Funeral Home
Spoken word poetry, the
Rhododendron Festival junior
and senior courts, a continuing
education program at Lane
Community
College
in
Florence and a fundraiser for
the Children’s Repertory of
Oregon Workshop (CROW)
will be the topics of conversa-
tion on today’s edition of “Our
Town” on KCST 106.9 FM.
Host Bob Sneddon will visit
with Stephen Fowler and Noah
Schultz to learn how poetry is
helping turn their lives around.
Both were just 17 years old
when they were sentenced to
90 months in the custody of the
Oregon Youth Authority.
They’re nearing the end of
their sentences and since their
incarceration, Schultz has
earned two bachelor’s degrees
and Fowler is nearing comple-
tion of his first.
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2765 Kingwood St.
Florence, OR
24 Hours
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Corner of 10th & Maple St. • 541-997-3533
www.florencecrossroad.org
email: office@florencecrossroad.org
February 3rd, 2016 (Wed.)
1:00 PM to 2:30 PM
Spruce Point Assisted
Living and Memory
Care Community
375 9th Street
Florence, OR 97439
Five years ago they each
experienced the power and
importance of Spoken Word
Poetry. They’ve both become
quite accomplished in their
writing and oral presentations
and are undertaking an effort to
reach out to high school stu-
dents to let them know they can
find their own voice — and
maybe change their life as well.
They’re doing it with some
help of the Florence Regional
Arts Alliance (FRAA). Bettie
Egerton and Karen Brown are
joining the conversation to talk
about the “Give Youth a Voice”
effort. FRAA will host a fund-
raising activity on Saturday,
Feb. 20, at the FRAA Art
Center in Old Town Florence.
Proceeds from the “Love
Gone Bad, You Done Me
Wrong” poetry and song party
will be used to help offset the
costs of the project.
Also on Our Town will be
Cindy Wobbe and Eric
Tanikawa. Wobbe is one of two
Rhododendron Festival senior
court advisors. Tanikawa is the
boys’ junior court wrangler.
The junior boys are a new
addition to the festival this
year. Wobbe and Tanikawa will
talk about the court responsi-
bilities and a few other new
“wrinkles.”
Melanie Heard, the artistic
director for CROW (Children’s
Repertory
of
Oregon
Workshops) in Florence will
visit Our Town as well. Joining
her will be Cameron Utz, who
was recently cast as “Donkey”
in the CROW muscial produc-
tion of “Shrek, Jr.” that is com-
ing later this spring.
They, too, are hosting a
fundraiser, which will be
Saturday, Feb. 13, at the
Florence
Events
Center.
Proceeds will go toward the
remodeling fund for the new
CROW headquarters.
Rounding out the lineup on
Our Town will be Marsha Sills,
the continuing education coor-
dinator for the Florence
Campus of Lane Community
College. Sills will talk about
how she can help students of
any age connect with the class-
es offered at LCC.
Sponsors of this edition of
Our Town include: Andy Baber
of Edward Jones Investments;
Holloway and Associates
CPA’s; the Archives Photo
Restoration Specialists, and
PeaceHealth.
Today’s show airs from 4 to
6 p.m., and tomorrow, Feb. 4,
from 10 a.m. to noon, on
KCFM, AM1250/FM104.1.
POLICE LOG
Florence Police
Jan. 25
Alarm was reported in the
5700 block of Canary Road.
Fraud was reported in the
1500 block of Ninth Street.
Burglary was reported in
the
1600
block
of
Rhododendron Drive.
Burglary was reported in
the first block of Marielle
Lane.
Hit-and-run accident was
reported in the 4700 block of
Highway 101.
Alarm was reported in the
1600 block of 21st Street.
Harassment was reported in
the 100 block of Outer Drive.
Alarm was reported in the
800 block of Munsel Creek
Loop.
Arrest, with warrant, was
reported in the 700 block of
Highway 101.
Alarm was reported in the
3200 block of Oak Street.
Dispute was reported in the
1700 block of 43rd Street.
Hit-and-run accident was
reported on Glenada Ridge.
Accident, without injury,
was reported in the 2100
block of 20th Street.
Alarm was reported in the
1900 block of Highway 101.
Jan. 26
Assault was reported in the
1800 block of 37th Street.
Trespass was reported in
the 16800 block of Highway
36.
Trespass was reported in
the 1300 block of Mulberry
Lane.
Theft was reported in the
700 block of Highway 101.
Dispute was reported in the
2400 block of Oak Street.
Intoxicated subject was
reported in the 85600 block of
Highway 101.
Alarm was reported in the
83300 block of Clear Lake
Road.
Alarm was reported in the
2200 block of Oak Street.
Jan. 27
Harassment was reported in
the 3800 block of Spruce
Street.
Loud noise was reported in
the 1700 block of 43rd Street.
Dispute was reported in the
1800 block of 18th Street.
Fraud was reported in the
700 block of Highway 101.
Accident, without injury,
was reported in the 1300
block of Airport Road.
Fraud was reported in the
1700 block of W. Park Drive.
Disorderly subject was
reported in the 400 block of
Ninth Street.
Jan. 28
Harassment was reported in
the 1200 block of Highway
101.
Dispute was reported in the
85100 block of Highway 101.
Disorderly subject was
reported in the 200 block of
Highway 101.
Harassment was reported in
the 700 block of Highway
101.
Alarm was reported in the
200 block of Laurel Street.
Theft was reported in the
1000 block of Maple Street.
Child abuse was reported in
the first block of Park Village
Drive.
Dispute was reported in the
1300 block of 11th Street.
Child neglect was reported
in the 1000 block of Maple
Street.
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541-997-6054
Theft was reported in the
4700 block of Highway 101.
Alarm was reported in the
2800 block of Rhododendron
Drive.
Fire was reported in the
89400 block of Shore Crest
Drive.
Theft was reported in the
1800 block of Highway 101.
Trespass was reported in
the 1800 block of 37th Street.
Dispute was reported in the
1600 block of 19th Street.
Jan. 29
Alarm was reported in the
Florence area.
Illegal camping, lodging
was reported in the 500 block
of Ninth Street.
Accident, with injury, was
reported in the 1800 block of
Highway 101.
Alarm was reported in the
1400 block of Spruce Street.
Theft was reported in the
700 block of Highway 101.
Alarm was reported in the
800 block of Munsel Creek
Loop.
Arrest, with warrant, was
reported in the 1900 block of
16th Street.
Accident, without injury,
was reported at milepost 4.5
on Highway 36.
Jan. 30
Theft was reported in the
900 block of Highway 101.
Criminal mischief was
reported in the 1100 block of
Highway 101.
DUII was reported in the
5600 block of Highway 126.
Criminal mischief was
reported in the 800 block of
Highway 101.
Unlawful entry of vehicle
was reported in the 1000
block of Maple Street.
Theft was reported in the
900 block of Highway 101.
Dispute was reported at
Ernhart and Clearlake roads.