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About The Siuslaw news. (Florence, Lane County, Or.) 1960-current | View Entire Issue (Jan. 6, 2016)
8 A SIUSLAW NEWS ❚ WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 6, 2016 Married men can benefit from watching ‘The Bachelor’ actor. They are always Ned extremely attractive, which Hickson causes the Bachelor’s judge- Once again, I am watching The Bachelor with my wife. As a happily married man, I can tell you the benefits of a good marriage far outweigh the initial discomfort of watching Chris Harrison — week after week — inform everyone who didn’t pass kindergarten math that there’s only one rose left. You also have to get past the three main types of contestants who appear each season: The Cryer — Easy to spot because they are reduced to tears and sitting alone within 15 minutes of arriving at the mansion The Liar — This person is already in a long-term rela- tionship and is a struggling ment to become cloudy as blood flows away from the brain to an area not directly related to the circulatory sys- tem. The Lunatic — Always arrives separately from the rest of the contestants, usually in some uniquely pretentious way, such as by helicopter or riding a zebra and wearing only a wrestling singlet. After several years of study, I have gained a few insights from The Bachelor that made me a better hus- band. To illustrate my point, and more importantly show my wife I’m not just paying attention during bikini volley- ball, I am going to share a few of those insights with you. First, always keep a rose Us TOO Prostate Cancer support group meets Jan. 12 The date for the next evening meeting of the Us TOO Florence Prostate Cancer Education/Support Group is Tuesday, Jan. 12, at the Presbyterian Church of the Siuslaw from 5 to 7 p.m. Special guest is Janis Finley, RN, Emergency Department nurse manager, PeaceHealth Peace Harbor Medical Center. With the presence of prostate cancer survivors and their spouses and loved ones, this Us TOO Florence meeting is an excellent source of prostate cancer information. Bring questions or just come to listen and learn. Call Bob Horney at 541- 999-4239 for more informa- tion. with you. Always. Having the ability to — at a moment’s notice — produce a fragrant flower symbolizing your love is a game changer that can diffuse any situa- tion... Wife: Are these your dirty BOXERS in the sink... AGAIN! Husband: [Pulls out rose] This is for you. Wife: Oh sweetheart! How thoughtful! Where else can I look for your boxers? Wait, don't tell me! I want it to be like an Easter egg hunt! In the rare instance a rose isn’t enough, make sure you have a mutual friend willing to be a love liaison for you. Someone who cares about you both and has your best interest as a couple in mind. I would highly suggest get- ting Chris Harrison. He may not be able to count higher than 1, but he is an artful mediator. Contrary to what you might think, getting his help is actually pretty easy. All you have to do is take a single rose and put it in a bas- ket. He will appear almost instantly to announce it's the only one left. Lastly, it’s clear that a cou- ple's trust and emotional bonds are strengthened by participating in life-threaten- ing activities together. These opportunities are presented many times over the course of a season. For the rest of us, especial- ly those with children, the closest we get to participating together in bond-building danger is when someone acci- dentally puts a fork in the microwave. For this reason, when opportunity presents itself, you need to make the Burns’s Riverside Chapel Florence Funeral Home Your Community Friend- Compassionate Care for you and your loved ones. 2765 Kingwood St. Florence, OR 24 Hours 541-997-3416 burnsriversidechapel.com most of it by doubling up on the danger. Going bungee jumping? DOUBLE-UP! Do it over a shark tank. Going skydiving? DOUBLE-UP! Land in a bull-riding com- petition dressed as rodeo clowns. Riding as passengers in a NASCAR race? DOUBLE-UP! Let one of my kids drive. Haha! Just kidding! You can’t strengthen emotional bonds if you’re dead. But you get the idea. So, come next Monday, I’ll once again take a spot on the couch next to my wife and watch as the latest bachelor attempts what is essentially televised cat juggling, com- Independent Owner/Operator Florence Grocery Outlet 1SPEVDFt%BJSZ%FMJ )FBMUI#FBVUZ 'SP[FO'PPETt'SFTI.FBU )PVTFXBSFTt#FFS8JOF 0SHBOJD/BUVSBM'PPETBOENVDINPSF Here to serve your denture needs: Dentures Immediate Dentures Implant Dentures Relines and Repairs Monday-Thursday 10am - 2 pm Relines and Repairs Same Day Or by special appointment Financing: Citi Health Card 12 Month no Interest 524 Laurel St. 541-997-6054 We invite you to join us. We have ample RV parking! PO Box 2566 ~ Florence, OR by Appointment only “A Holistic Approach to Counseling through Mindfulness and Meditation” •Wednesday, 7 p.m. - Family Connections •Sunday, 9:00 a.m. - Bible Study •Sunday, 10:30 a.m. - Worship Service Corner of 10th & Maple St. • 541-997-3533 www.florencecrossroad.org email: office@florencecrossroad.org Let me Showcase your property. Amanda DeTar Broker 541 999-4285 Very Basic Watercolor Classes with Ken Kent At the Florence Senior Center Let us cater to your pets! 85304 Glenada Rd – Country living one mile from town. 1322 sq. ft. home built in 2012 on almost half an acre. 2 large bdrms. Master with walk-in closet and extra storage in bathroom. Jacuzzi tubs, granite counters, open floor plan, this home has it all. $222,000. #2403-15000399 1749 Highway 101 • 541-997-1200 William Foster LD Sherry, Offi ce Manager FREE CONSULTATIONS 185 Nopal Street 541-999-1913 best or 997-1234 Dgrigsby61@hotmail.com Ned is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. His book, “Humor at the Speed of Life,” is available online at Port Hole Publications, Amazon Books and Barnes & Noble. Write to him at nedhickson@icloud.com DENTURE SERVICES INC. Woody Woodbury 2066 Highway 101, Florence 541-997-0343 plete with claws and hissing. Possibly even some flying fur. But as he attempts to dis- cover the inner truths of each woman and searches for his soul mate one rose at a time, my wife and I will be eating snack foods and probably sip- ping something cold together as we share observations about each contestant. Which brings me to the most valuable lesson I’ve learned: Given the chance to be The Bachelor, I’d still choose my wife. Even without the bikini volleyball. Daily • Weekly • Monthly and “play dates” FREE Pre-meeting h ursday, January 21 at 1:00 pm (students are encouraged to attend as supplies needed are discussed) NO PRIOR ART EXPERIENCE NEEDED 5 week course begins February 18th - March 17th, h ursdays at 1:00 pm ($50.00 course fee plus a one time material and processing fee of $15.00 will be charged). Open 7am - 7 pm Monday - Saturday • Sunday 8am - 6pm 24-Hour Caregiver on Site - Licensed and Insured 4370 Hwy. 101 North • In the Florence RV Complex (next to Bi-Mart) - Shot Records Required Class size is limited. Adults of all ages are encouraged to sign up. To reserve your space please call: Florence Senior Center at 541-997-8844 541-590-2466 Care to hear a little secret? Not all hearing aids sound the same. 541-997-2422 COME SEE US AT PARK PLACE! Gail Leslie, Au. D. Sandi Ybarra, Au. D., Doctors of Audiology your source for natural medicine 1845 Highway 126, Suite H Dr. Mark Immel, Naturopathic Physician Patricia Immel, Lic. Acupuncturist & Herbalist Call to schedule a consultation. You’ll find we’re expert listeners. FLORENCE: 541-997-7617 1525 12th Street, Suite 2 EUGENE: 541-686-3505 VOICE / TTD 401 East 10th Avenue, Suite 110 541-902-8860 www.hearingassociates.net www.TheWellspringClinic.com Hearing is believing