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SIUSLAW NEWS ❚ WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 6, 2016
Married men can benefit from watching ‘The Bachelor’
actor. They are always
Ned
extremely attractive, which
Hickson causes the Bachelor’s judge-
Once again, I am watching
The Bachelor with my wife.
As a happily married man, I
can tell you the benefits of a
good marriage far outweigh
the initial discomfort of
watching Chris Harrison —
week after week — inform
everyone who didn’t pass
kindergarten math that there’s
only one rose left. You also
have to get past the three
main types of contestants who
appear each season:
The Cryer — Easy to
spot because they are reduced
to tears and sitting alone
within 15 minutes of arriving
at the mansion
The Liar — This person
is already in a long-term rela-
tionship and is a struggling
ment to become cloudy as
blood flows away from the
brain to an area not directly
related to the circulatory sys-
tem.
The Lunatic — Always
arrives separately from the
rest of the contestants, usually
in some uniquely pretentious
way, such as by helicopter or
riding a zebra and wearing
only a wrestling singlet.
After several years of
study, I have gained a few
insights from The Bachelor
that made me a better hus-
band. To illustrate my point,
and more importantly show
my wife I’m not just paying
attention during bikini volley-
ball, I am going to share a
few of those insights with
you.
First, always keep a rose
Us TOO Prostate Cancer
support group meets Jan. 12
The date for the next
evening meeting of the Us
TOO Florence Prostate
Cancer Education/Support
Group is Tuesday, Jan. 12, at
the Presbyterian Church of
the Siuslaw from 5 to 7 p.m.
Special guest is Janis
Finley, RN, Emergency
Department nurse manager,
PeaceHealth Peace Harbor
Medical Center.
With the presence of
prostate cancer survivors
and their spouses and loved
ones, this Us TOO Florence
meeting is an excellent
source of prostate cancer
information. Bring questions
or just come to listen and
learn.
Call Bob Horney at 541-
999-4239 for more informa-
tion.
with you.
Always.
Having the ability to — at
a moment’s notice — produce
a fragrant flower symbolizing
your love is a game changer
that can diffuse any situa-
tion...
Wife: Are these your dirty
BOXERS in the sink...
AGAIN!
Husband: [Pulls out rose]
This is for you.
Wife: Oh sweetheart! How
thoughtful! Where else can I
look for your boxers? Wait,
don't tell me! I want it to be
like an Easter egg hunt!
In the rare instance a rose
isn’t enough, make sure you
have a mutual friend willing
to be a love liaison for you.
Someone who cares about
you both and has your best
interest as a couple in mind.
I would highly suggest get-
ting Chris Harrison. He may
not be able to count higher
than 1, but he is an artful
mediator. Contrary to what
you might think, getting his
help is actually pretty easy.
All you have to do is take a
single rose and put it in a bas-
ket. He will appear almost
instantly to announce it's the
only one left.
Lastly, it’s clear that a cou-
ple's trust and emotional
bonds are strengthened by
participating in life-threaten-
ing activities together. These
opportunities are presented
many times over the course of
a season.
For the rest of us, especial-
ly those with children, the
closest we get to participating
together in bond-building
danger is when someone acci-
dentally puts a fork in the
microwave. For this reason,
when opportunity presents
itself, you need to make the
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most of it by doubling up on
the danger.
Going bungee jumping?
DOUBLE-UP!
Do it over a shark tank.
Going skydiving?
DOUBLE-UP!
Land in a bull-riding com-
petition dressed as rodeo
clowns.
Riding as passengers in a
NASCAR race?
DOUBLE-UP!
Let one of my kids drive.
Haha! Just kidding! You
can’t strengthen emotional
bonds if you’re dead.
But you get the idea.
So, come next Monday, I’ll
once again take a spot on the
couch next to my wife and
watch as the latest bachelor
attempts what is essentially
televised cat juggling, com-
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by Appointment only
“A Holistic Approach to Counseling through
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•Wednesday, 7 p.m. - Family Connections
•Sunday, 9:00 a.m. - Bible Study
•Sunday, 10:30 a.m. - Worship Service
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email: office@florencecrossroad.org
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541 999-4285
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Ned is a syndicated columnist
with News Media Corporation.
His book, “Humor at the Speed of
Life,” is available online at Port
Hole Publications, Amazon Books
and Barnes & Noble. Write to him
at nedhickson@icloud.com
DENTURE SERVICES INC.
Woody Woodbury
2066 Highway 101, Florence
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plete with claws and hissing.
Possibly even some flying
fur.
But as he attempts to dis-
cover the inner truths of each
woman and searches for his
soul mate one rose at a time,
my wife and I will be eating
snack foods and probably sip-
ping something cold together
as we share observations
about each contestant.
Which brings me to the
most valuable lesson I’ve
learned: Given the chance to
be The Bachelor, I’d still
choose my wife.
Even without the bikini
volleyball.
Daily • Weekly • Monthly
and “play dates”
FREE Pre-meeting h ursday,
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5 week course begins February 18th - March 17th, h ursdays
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Care to hear a little secret?
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COME SEE US AT PARK PLACE!
Gail Leslie, Au. D.
Sandi Ybarra, Au. D.,
Doctors of Audiology
your source for natural medicine
1845 Highway 126, Suite H
Dr. Mark Immel, Naturopathic Physician
Patricia Immel, Lic. Acupuncturist & Herbalist
Call to schedule a consultation.
You’ll find we’re expert listeners.
FLORENCE: 541-997-7617
1525 12th Street, Suite 2
EUGENE: 541-686-3505 VOICE / TTD
401 East 10th Avenue, Suite 110
541-902-8860
www.hearingassociates.net
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Hearing is believing