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About The Siuslaw news. (Florence, Lane County, Or.) 1960-current | View Entire Issue (Jan. 21, 2015)
8 A SIUSLAW NEWS ❚ WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 21, 2015 If customer service can’t help, try the suicide hotline occupation, preferably one Ned involving explosives. Hickson I eventually realized the Sometime between Sunday afternoon and Monday morning, my com- puter slipped from its normal “sleep mode” and into a deep coma. This became apparent after hitting the space bar and getting no reaction whatsoev- er, not counting a low-pitched whirring sound that — if I didn’t know better — I could swear was snoring. Realizing there might be a serious problem, I gathered all of my computer trou- bleshooting experience and, over the course of the next 10 minutes, applied that experi- ence by hitting the space bar no less than 400 times. When that didn’t work, I unplugged the computer and plugged it back in. Tried a different out- let. Switched keyboards. Wiggled my mouse. Considered finding a different only thing left to do was call the Help Line listed in the service manual and hope someone there could either (a) talk me through this or (b) talk me down should our con- versation move to the rooftop. As expected, I was greet- ed by an automated voice telling me, in that creepy robot word-splice tone, that my call was important to “them” and to please hold until the next representative became available. Thank. You for. Your patience. Next came the music, a collection of Michael Bolton, Celine Dion, and Whitney Houston standards re-mixed — I’m guessing — by either John Tesh or Yanni to keep people on-hold from growing impatient. This is little like trying to talk a suicidal jumper off the ledge by giv- ing them a pogo stick. Making matters worse, I was reminded every 30 sec- onds — by that same creepy robot voice — that my call was “very important to ‘them’” and to remain hold- ing for the next available rep- resentative, keeping in mind that my weak, carbon-based body was slowly deteriorating with each passing minute. Again thank. You for. Your patience. When my service repre- sentative broke the line 20 minutes later asking for my computer’s serial number, I was unprepared. Not just because it was the first unsyn- thesized human voice I’d heard in nearly an hour, but also because I didn’t have the serial number ready. That’s when I was told by “Chaz” I could easily find the number by going to my computer and — very carefully — turning it upside down. Upon hearing these helpful instructions I cocked my head to one side and, while pinning the phone against my shoulder, fought off an aneurism. I was then instructed to call back when I had the serial number readily available, to which I replied to “Chaz” that I was “readily available” to catch a flight to Atlanta and strangle him with a USB cord unless he waited for me to flip my computer over and read him the num- ber. After entering the serial number into his data bank, he informed me all the hardware was still under warranty. However, I needed to pay $45 in order for the service call to continue. I thanked him for his time and, before hanging up, told him how much I was looking forward to having a glass of sweet tea when I got to Atlanta. My other option was to take my computer to an approved repair service locat- ed 60 miles away. The up side is that I could deal with real FRAA to host tea tasting Community Chorus sign up For anyone who likes to sing, this is your chance to belt out your favorite Hollywood tunes. The Community Chorus of Florence plans to present a concert on May 3, at the Florence Events Center at 2 COURTESY PHOTO Lady Bettina and Lady Mary will host the FRAA’s tea time Jan. 30. p.m. Registration for this sea- son begins Monday, Jan. 26, at 7 p.m., at Cross Road Church on 10th and Maple streets. For more information, con- tact Laura Merz at 541-902- 8567. Stocks. Bonds. CDs. IRAs. Mutual funds. and hats are welcome but aren’t required. As the ladies say, “Slightly irreverent and a bit cheeky, we will teach you about tea as you sample the four major types of tea and one tisane (herbal tea). We may throw in a scone or two, and who knows what other surprises.” Preregistration is required by Wednesday, Jan. 28, by calling 503-910-3625. well... Makes sense, I guess? In the meantime, I’ll con- tinue working on a back-up computer that is too old to handle things like getting on the Internet, updating my blog, or performing any func- tion in under 10 minutes. I hope to have my computer back in a few days. Until then: Thank. You for. Your patience. Ned is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. His book, “Humor at the Speed of Life,” is available online at Port Hole Publications, Amazon Books and Barnes & Noble. Write to him at nedhickson@icloud.com Winter Clearance Sale 60% OFF up to Periwinkle Station and P.S. Winkles 1308 Bay Street •1335 Bay Street Old Town Florence • (541) 902-7901 F AMILY H AIR S TYLING $15.00 HAIRCUTS DURING JANUARY! REMEMBER I also come to your home. Andy Baber, AAMS® Financial Advisor The Florence Regional Arts Alliance invites all tea lovers to join “Lady Bettina” of Florence and “Lady Mary” of “Who knows where” for a tea tasting and talk on the history of tea. This will be held Friday, Jan. 30, from 2 to 4 p.m., at the FRAA Art Center, 4969 Highway 101, at Munsel Lake Plaza No. 4. The art classroom will be transformed into a tea parlor, humans. The down side is that driving there would cost about as much as following up on my threat and actually flying to Atlanta. After careful considera- tion I decided to stay here. That’s because, the way my luck was going, “Chaz” was probably a 260-lb martial arts champion whose passion for the sport began when his wife left him for a loud- mouthed humor columnist. Even if I got my computer fixed, what good would it do if I had to type everything with my tongue? So, as of today, my com- puter is still in the shop. According to the repair guy they’re just waiting for a new “logic board” to arrive which, . 1010 Highway 101 Florence, OR 97439 541-997-8755 www.edwardjones.com 1525 12th Street, #8, Florence please call for appointment 541-999-4215 • Judy Roth Member SIPC Buying or Selling? I can help. INK & TONER S e e J i m f o r y o u r A u t o S a l e s N e e d s ! 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