8 A
SIUSLAW NEWS ❚ WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 21, 2015
If customer service can’t help, try the suicide hotline
occupation, preferably one
Ned
involving explosives.
Hickson
I eventually realized the
Sometime between
Sunday afternoon and
Monday morning, my com-
puter slipped from its normal
“sleep mode” and into a deep
coma. This became apparent
after hitting the space bar and
getting no reaction whatsoev-
er, not counting a low-pitched
whirring sound that — if I
didn’t know better — I could
swear was snoring.
Realizing there might be a
serious problem, I gathered
all of my computer trou-
bleshooting experience and,
over the course of the next 10
minutes, applied that experi-
ence by hitting the space bar
no less than 400 times. When
that didn’t work, I unplugged
the computer and plugged it
back in. Tried a different out-
let. Switched keyboards.
Wiggled my mouse.
Considered finding a different
only thing left to do was call
the Help Line listed in the
service manual and hope
someone there could either
(a) talk me through this or (b)
talk me down should our con-
versation move to the rooftop.
As expected, I was greet-
ed by an automated voice
telling me, in that creepy
robot word-splice tone, that
my call was important to
“them” and to please hold
until the next representative
became available.
Thank.
You for.
Your patience.
Next came the music, a
collection of Michael Bolton,
Celine Dion, and Whitney
Houston standards re-mixed
— I’m guessing — by either
John Tesh or Yanni to keep
people on-hold from growing
impatient. This is little like
trying to talk a suicidal
jumper off the ledge by giv-
ing them a pogo stick.
Making matters worse, I
was reminded every 30 sec-
onds — by that same creepy
robot voice — that my call
was “very important to
‘them’” and to remain hold-
ing for the next available rep-
resentative, keeping in mind
that my weak, carbon-based
body was slowly deteriorating
with each passing minute.
Again thank.
You for.
Your patience.
When my service repre-
sentative broke the line 20
minutes later asking for my
computer’s serial number, I
was unprepared. Not just
because it was the first unsyn-
thesized human voice I’d
heard in nearly an hour, but
also because I didn’t have the
serial number ready. That’s
when I was told by “Chaz” I
could easily find the number
by going to my computer and
— very carefully — turning it
upside down. Upon hearing
these helpful instructions I
cocked my head to one side
and, while pinning the phone
against my shoulder, fought
off an aneurism. I was then
instructed to call back when I
had the serial number readily
available, to which I replied
to “Chaz” that I was “readily
available” to catch a flight to
Atlanta and strangle him with
a USB cord unless he waited
for me to flip my computer
over and read him the num-
ber.
After entering the serial
number into his data bank, he
informed me all the hardware
was still under warranty.
However, I needed to pay
$45 in order for the service
call to continue. I thanked
him for his time and, before
hanging up, told him how
much I was looking forward
to having a glass of sweet tea
when I got to Atlanta.
My other option was to
take my computer to an
approved repair service locat-
ed 60 miles away. The up side
is that I could deal with real
FRAA to host tea tasting Community Chorus sign up
For anyone who likes to
sing, this is your chance to belt
out your favorite Hollywood
tunes. The Community Chorus
of Florence plans to present a
concert on May 3, at the
Florence Events Center at 2
COURTESY PHOTO
Lady Bettina and Lady Mary will host the FRAA’s tea time
Jan. 30.
p.m. Registration for this sea-
son begins Monday, Jan. 26, at
7 p.m., at Cross Road Church
on 10th and Maple streets.
For more information, con-
tact Laura Merz at 541-902-
8567.
Stocks.
Bonds. CDs.
IRAs. Mutual
funds.
and hats are welcome but
aren’t required.
As the ladies say, “Slightly
irreverent and a bit cheeky, we
will teach you about tea as you
sample the four major types of
tea and one tisane (herbal tea).
We may throw in a scone or
two, and who knows what
other surprises.”
Preregistration is required
by Wednesday, Jan. 28, by
calling 503-910-3625.
well...
Makes sense, I guess?
In the meantime, I’ll con-
tinue working on a back-up
computer that is too old to
handle things like getting on
the Internet, updating my
blog, or performing any func-
tion in under 10 minutes. I
hope to have my computer
back in a few days. Until
then:
Thank.
You for.
Your patience.
Ned is a syndicated columnist
with News Media Corporation.
His book, “Humor at the Speed of
Life,” is available online at Port
Hole Publications, Amazon Books
and Barnes & Noble. Write to him
at nedhickson@icloud.com
Winter Clearance Sale
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REMEMBER I also
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Andy Baber, AAMS®
Financial Advisor
The Florence Regional Arts
Alliance invites all tea lovers
to join “Lady Bettina” of
Florence and “Lady Mary” of
“Who knows where” for a tea
tasting and talk on the history
of tea.
This will be held Friday,
Jan. 30, from 2 to 4 p.m., at the
FRAA Art Center, 4969
Highway 101, at Munsel Lake
Plaza No. 4.
The art classroom will be
transformed into a tea parlor,
humans. The down side is
that driving there would cost
about as much as following
up on my threat and actually
flying to Atlanta.
After careful considera-
tion I decided to stay here.
That’s because, the way
my luck was going, “Chaz”
was probably a 260-lb martial
arts champion whose passion
for the sport began when his
wife left him for a loud-
mouthed humor columnist.
Even if I got my computer
fixed, what good would it do
if I had to type everything
with my tongue?
So, as of today, my com-
puter is still in the shop.
According to the repair guy
they’re just waiting for a new
“logic board” to arrive which,
.
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