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About Oregon City enterprise. (Oregon City, Or.) 1871-188? | View Entire Issue (July 26, 1877)
WIT AND HUMOR. Blessed is the man -who never says Lis mother's pies are better than his -wife's. Asparagus resembles long sermons in one important particular the ends are most sought after. Adam and Eve, we suppose, -were the first to start " turning over new leaves." They did it to keep up the fashion. If you want to find a Newark police man strike the first trail of peanut shells vou come across and follow it up. Newark Call. The Molly Maguires say they can't be put down by the execution of a few of the order. It might be well to execute half the order, then. Danb. News. Ant lady can press her old bonnet over into the new summer style by placing it on a pavement block and let a loaded ice wagon back over it lengthwise. As Irish soldier, being for the first time on guard, was thus accosted by a friend : 44 What are ye standing there for, Mike ?" " Shure, they tould me to stand here for a centaury !" "Why," asked Pat one day, 44 why was Balaam a first-class astronomer ?" The other man gave it up of course. "Shure," said Pat, "'twas because he had no trou ble in findin' an ass to roid." No man can see a fashionable lady make a wild dive for the bottom of her dress without fearing for the moment that she is going to use her train to knock a fly off her bonnet. Danbury News. 44 What is the meaning of a back-biter?" asked a gentleman at a Sunday-school examination. This wa3 a puzzle. It went down the class uutil it came to a simple urchin, who said, 44 Perhaps it is a flea." A woman who has been deaf for a longtime was at last jersuaded to go to an aurist, and the very next day, for the first time in ten years, she had thepleas uae of hearing from her husband in California. A man never gets a very adequate idea of the length of eternity, nor how the people will manage to kill time during the endless cycles, until he watches a boy weeding the garden when he wants to go fishing. Hawkeye. A girl worked the motto, 44 1 Need Thee Every Hour," and presented it to her chap. He says he can't help it ; it takes him two hours to milk and feed the pigs, morning and night, and busi ness has got to be attended to. A French chemist makes a pill on which the name and dose are legibly printed. So the man who takes them not only gets a needful medicine, but also swallows a great deal of valuable information. Danbury News. They make mustard plasters so strong in New Hampshire that the man who puts one on hi3 back makes a grab for the fence to keep himself from being drawn into some State where sheep don't have to lie on their backs to pasture. Now does the small boy repair to the point south of town to indulge in the recreation of a noonday bath, and we may soon expect a vigorous denunciation of the shameless practice from the old lady who owns a lield-glass. Brook . ville Jeflersonian. . We want our name written in a book of gold as one who loves his fellow-men, but fruit-tree agents and men with new kinds of glue must stear clear of us just the same as if we were a whole cage of Bengal tigers with the hvdrophobia. I Cil City Derrick. An Irish gentleman, parting with a lazy servant woman, was asked, with res pect to her industry, whether she was what is termed afraid of work. 44 Oh, not at all," said he, 44 not at all ; she'll frequently lie down and go to sleep by the very side of it." 44 My. son," said a mother to a little boy four years old, 44 whom above all , others will you wish to see when you pass into the spirit world?" "Goliali!" shouted the child, with a joyous antici pation ; 44 unless," he quickly added, 44 there's a bigger feller there." Don't put too much confidence in a lover's vows and sighs," said Mrs. Par tington to her niece ; 44 let him tell you - that you have lips like strawberries and cream, cheeks like a tarnation, and eyes like aa asterisk; but such things oftener come from a tender head than a tender If you wish to understand woman's capacity for business, just undertake to overhaul a high-toned dressmaker's bill. The way one of the female harness man ufacturers will graft bones, buttons, sewing silk, fringes, lining, cambric, etc., on to the original charge for mak ing and trimming is enough to send a first-class double-entry book-keeper to a lunatic asylum. 44 Madame," he remarked (he always calls his wife 44 Madame " when he de sires to be impressive) 44 when thou sands are starving how thankful you should be, even in muslins and calicoes. Every dime should be looked after now-a-days." Just then a boy rapped at the n ilnrki TV i f 1 , Q 1 .1 1 rv rt m.iia 1 . speaker had ordered sent up on his way home. N. Y. Com. Adv. A party camping out found themselves ia want of some essentials for making a chowder. Slote said he would not have a chowder without onions, and he was lound to have some of that delectable fruit, even if he had to take a boat and row to the next market town for them. "Take a bad boat, Slote," said Dun dreary, "and perhaps it may spring a leek or two." Boston Traveller. A prospective father-in-law makes in quiries concerning his prospective son-in-law of a friend. The replies are of . the most satisfactory character, till the friend says frankly : 44 Still I must ad mit that he has one grave defect." 44 What is that? Does he play the ac cordeon ?" "He does not know anything about gambling." 44 Why, that is not a defect, it is a virtue." 44 Yes, but yon see ho gambles all the same." It looks and sounds odd, somehow, to see and hear a big auctioneer in a cigar- shop sweating and shouting: 44 And I'm onlyofferedonedollarandaqnartcr forthis Bplendidboxofcigars worth sevendollars r- ofanyman'smoneyshalllhavetuehalfadol laradollarandahalfl'monlyofferedforthis splendidboxofcigars dolhearthetwo go ingattwodollarsonly forthissplendidbox ofcigars," etc., with nobody in the shop or in sight, but the boy that sweeps out and does the errands. Recently a very modest young Bos ton lady, who wanted a pair of garters addressed the shopman thus: 44It is niy desire to obtain a pair of circular an- pondages, capaoxe oi being contracted . . or expanded by means of oscillating burnished steel appliances that sparkle like particles of gold leaf set with Alas-- ka diamonds, and -which are utilized for retaining in proper position the habili ments of the lower extremities, which innate delicacy forbids me to mention." Mark Twain on Chamber mails. Against all chambermaids of whatso ever age or nationality I launch the curse of Bachelordom Because: They always put the pillows on the opposite end of the bed from the gas burner, so that, while you read and smoke before sleeping, (as is the ancient and honorable custom among bachelors) you have to hold your book aloft, in an uncomfortable position, to keep the light from dazzling your eyes. If they cannot get the light iu an un comfortable position any other way, they move the bed. If you pull your trunk out six inches from the wall, so that the lid will stay up when you open it, they always shove that trunk back again. They do it on purpose. They also put your boots into inaccess ible places. They chiefly enjoy depos iting them as far under the bed as the wall will permit. It is because this compels you to get down in an undigni fied manner and make wild sweeps for them in the dark with the bootjack, and swear. They always put the match-box in some other place. They hunt up a new jlace for it every day, and put a bottle or some other perishable glass thing where the box stood before. This is to cause you to break that glass thing, groping about in the dark, and get j'our self into trouble. They are forever moving the furni ture. 'When you come in. in the night, you calculate on finding a bureau where the wardrobe was in the morning. And when you come in at midnight, or there abouts, you will fall over the rocking chair, and you will proceed toward the window and sit down in the slop-tub. This will disgust you. They like that. No matter where you put anything they won't let it stay there. I hey will take it and move it the first chance they get. They always save up old scraps of printed rubbish you throw on the floor, and stick them up carefully on the table, and then start the fire with your valu able manuscripts. And they use more hair oil than any six men. They keep always coming to make your bed before you get up, thus destroying your rest, and inflicting agony upon you, but after you get up they don't come any more till the next day. O George! What a Damsel,! She was young and fair, and a tear glistened in her eye as she laid her curly head on his shoulder and exclaimed: "O George! I think if I found you did not love me I should die." "My darling," ho answered, passing his hand gently round her dimpled chin, "I will always love you. Do yon think I would marry you if I did not feel sure of it. In a few days at the altar I shall vow to love you all my lift, and I will keep my vow." A lovely kind of beati fic happiness played for a moment like sunshine on her lips, and then she whispered: "O George! I like to hear you talk like that; you have been so good to me. You have given me a diamond locket, and a gold watch and chain, and rings that an angel might wear outside her gloves and not be ashamed, and I thought that one day you'd be sorry you'd given mo all these nico things and want them back again, it would break my heart." He held her gently against his manly breast, and answered with a quivering voice; ,40 my darling! there is nothing on earth that could happen to make me repent giving you a few tokens of my love, or make me want them back again." She sprang from his arms like a joyous dear, she shook back her sunny curls, and, with a whole poora in her hazel eyes, exclaimed: 44t) George! you have taken a load from my heart. I've come to say that I cau't marry you, after all, because I've seen somebody I like better, and I thought you'd want your presents back again." London Fun. Swaping Wives. When Sir Samuel Baker, the African traveller, was taking leave of Kamraso, King of Unyoro, that potentate asked him, as a particular fa vor, to leave Lady Baker behind. This cool request raised Sir Samtiel's ire, and in high indignation he told the King that if he ever made such a request again he would shoot him. Lady Ba ker, too, who overheard and understood the offer, felt that a word from her would not be out of place, and gave the monarch a piece of her mind in the strongest language she could command. His Majesty for a while, was greatly as tonished, being unconscious of having given any offence. At last, seeing that his guests were really angry, he said, in a deprecating tone, "Don't be angry. I did not mean to offend you by asking for your wife. I will give you a wife if yon want one, and I thought you would have no objections to give me yours. It is my custom to give my visi tors pretty wives, and I thought you would, like to exchange. Don't make a fuss about it; if you don't like to do as others do, there's an end of it." Xem Tor I: Sun. How They Bzhave When you at tempt to kiss a New Jersey lass she strug gles until she is out of breath, when she submits to a great many without a mnr mur. Tis said, when you kiss a Bostcni girl, she holds still till you are through, when she flares up all at once, and says, 44 1 should think you would be ashamed." "When a handsome young man steals a kiss from a Louisiana girl," says a fel low who has "been there," "she smiles, blushes deeply and says nothing." The Nantucket girls are dangerous; fer, when a fellow attempts to kiss one of them, she says, 44 Shear off, or I'll split your mainsail with a typhoon!" When a Baltimore lady is kissed, she says she feels as though she had been taking chloroform, and remains insensi ble as long as the operation last. Sen sible ladies, theyl There were two of them hanging over the front gate the other night. She was standing within the yard and he on the sidewalk outside, both leaning on the top rail, and apparently as happy as two pigs in a cornfield. He was saying, 44 Now, my own little darling, sweet idol of my soul, whose image is ever to my heart," when he saw the old man coming down the front walk, and con tinued in a different strain, 44 The potato bugs haven't destroyed our crops so much since we purchased Paris green, and you will find also that cabbages can be raised better on a richer soil." The old gentleman heard it, and turned back, saying, as be entered the house, 44 These young people take more interest in agri cultural affairs then people generally suppose." Thank God, Von Ees Dead.' A friend of the writer was once trav elling in a stage-coach in New England, and arrived at a village at nine o'clock in the evening, where the vehicle was to remain until morning. Having some acquaintances in the town, he went out immediately to call upon one of them. Returning to the tavern at midnight, he found all the beds in the house occupied but one of the dozen cots that had been put up temporarily in the parlor, for it was 4 'court week" at that county seat. During the day my friend had been greatly amused by a fellow-jiassenger, a lively young Frenchman. Where he was that night my informant did not know when he retired to the unoccupied cot in the parlor, but he soon found out. The sleepers in the other cots were making "night hideous" with their snoring to varied cadences, some puff ing, some with long-drawn nasal sounds, and all in discord. At length one of the snorers brought up with a snort and was suddenly silent, when the young French man, who occupied a cot at the further end of the room, aud had been annoyed by the noise of the sleepers, cried out, 44 Thank God, von ees dead!" Harper's Mtfjazin" for July. A piocs father, who was recently con ducting the barbarians through themen agerie, halted them before the great, sagacious elephant, the behemoth of Scripture, and said to them: 44 Behold, dear children, another evidence of the great and almighty power of Omnipo tence. You may buck the striped tiger of the Orient, but there is no use buck ing against the elephant, when once you set out to see him. The sturdiest baggage-smasher it-coils in dismay from an encounter with his trunk. The glory of his nostrils is terrible. Selah! He eateth hay like an ox and giveth him the waters of affliction to drink. And thiuk, dear children, when the last aw ful day comes, and there is no use giv ing alarms of crying, 4Fire,' and all the insurance companies go up higher than Gilderoy's kite, imagine what must bo the intense heat of that exciting hour, when even, as we are told expressly in the Good Book, the elephants yes, ele phants such as you behold leforeyou shall melt with fervent heat. Now let us pass on to admire the bounteousness of nature as evinced in the Sumatrian musk-ox." - 44 Hanging On." One was a parcel boy and the other a cash-boy, and as they halted under an awning for a min ute the parcel-boy asked: 44 Do you get the same old wages yet?" 44 Yes, just the same." 44 Haven't you been presented with a watch or a cane, as a token of esteem?" 4 No not a thing." 44 Don't the boss ever ask you up to a Sunday dinner?" "Not a one." 44 Never comes around and asks your advice about the market?" "Never." 44 And he hasn't, got a daughter to fall in love with you, and commit suicide if she can't marry you?" " No." "Well, I don't see why you stay there. It must be awful humiliating to a boy of your temperament." 44 So it is it's just awful on me, but I'm hanging ou in hopes of finding a live-dollar bill on the floor and buying all the rock-candy I can eat. Seems as if I could taste it now yum! Goodbye. Few people know how we boys suffer dav after dav." Detroit Ficn Press. Old Si came in and wanted to know: " Dere hain't bin no new Marshal 'piuted down hyer yit?" 4 4 Nut that we heard." 44 An no new Pos'marsters?" "No, sir." 44 Well, how is dis, eunyhow? I thought dat we gone got er new Presydent, an dar woz gwine ter be er new deel all 'round?" 44 It seems that we have got the new President." "When are we gwine ter git de new deel, tho; dat's what is agertatin' de mind ob de hungry publick?" "Well, Hayes says he is not that kind of a railroad spike he is not for a new deal, it seems." 44 An dat's what he says? Well, he's er beat man, 'kase ef dat platform woz 'greed ter in dis country whar'd be de use of univer sity suffridge, fifteentdemendment, and de 'lecktive franchise? You jess start dat prinserpel ob ankerin men in oflis down hyar, and hits gwine ter 'stroy all the eutrnst in de 'leckshins an 'knock poliyticks higher dan a kite 'raong nig gers and white folks gin 'rnlly!" At Inn it t Constitution. 44 Couldn't Lie for that Money". A story is told of a young Waterville, Me., lawyer, who was of convival turn, who had in his hands a number of un settled accounts against an old farmer in the vicinity, who never paid any debts until he was sued, and then only after loud outcries against the lawyers for 44 grinding the faces of the poor." One day he came in to settle a bill, when the lawyer offered to discount him a dollar and a half if ho would go into the street, mingle with all the groups of people whom he meet and lead the conversation up to a point where he could incidentally remarked that he (the lawyer) was a sharp and worthy fellow. The old man wanted the money, but finally he said impressively: "Squire! I'm a very old man and have done many wicked things in my life; but with my views of eternity I can't lie for that money." The dollar and a half was discounted without ex torting any recompense therefor. Nice old lady, with spectacles and a hand-bag, gingham frock and sun um brella. Scene, Sutter Street Railroad. Enter, spruce young lady, bonnet on the back of her chignon, six-button kid gloves, pull-back very tightly pulled. Old lady makes room; young lady man ages to sit down sideways, just on the edge of the seat, great strain on her har ness. Old lady sympathetic, looks at the young woman full of compassion: "Biles. I suppose; I've had 'em thar." Young woman scornfully indignant. Bell rings; car stops. Old lady sur prised, wi2es her glasses and says, ''Sen sitive, poor thing." Argonaut. The Springfield, Massachusetts, Re publican tells this as the latest Moody story current in Northfield: The Hins dale butcher drove past Monday, Moodv ran out. 44 Beefsteak?" "Yes." "When killed?" said the evangelist approaching the cart. 4 "Yesterday." 44 1 don't want any meat killed on Sunday." Butcher drives on, soliloquizing sottn roce. Re turns Thursday, passing the Moody resi dence, full drive, Moody hails him again. 44 Beefsteak?" "Yes." 44 Bring in ten pounds," 44 We don't take money earned on Sundays!" and butcher drives on. Appears Mondav morning again. Moodv on the watch." "Beefsteak?" "Yea."" Lays in large stock; no questions asked. Better is a sullen and lonesome boy where safety is than much fireworks and ashes therewith. --N. Y. Graphic. COURTESY OF BANCROFT UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA, RKRKFLEY. CALIFORNIA. Helpful Sympathy A newspaper ed itor in the mining regions of Pennsyl vania philosophically observes: " When a man gets both of his legs smashed, rendering him unable to work for three months, there's nothing that cheers him up so much, and so effectually keeps the wolf from the door, as for his fellow workmen to pass a series of resolutions praying for his speedy recovery, and ordering an engrossed copy of the same to be presented to his family." Itelnt ioitkliip of Uralu and Kloiuwli Is a close one, indeed. They are connected by that wondrous elastic link, the sympathetic nerve, which communicates the abnormal sen sations of the orgin of digestion to that of thought. Now, if digestion is disordered, the brain, being the great local point of the ner vous system, all the nerves are in some degree affected. The main cause of nervous trouble is impaired digestion, and that is usually pro duced by weakness of the stomach. Ilostetter's Stomach Bitters rectifies this, and overcomes nervous debility by infusing increased energy into the operation of the oim"s of nutrition". Through the agency of this Le.tieent tunic, not only are the nerves vitalize d, bat the entire organism acquires vigor and regularity. Lile I us urn 'I aims Ailjnfel. James Munsell, Jr., has established special facilities in the East for presenting in due form nnd collecting all kinds of claims on policies in astem Life Insurance Companies iu liquida tion. Parties filing claims through this agency will le relieved of all further trouble, and final set tlement will bo made with them at this oflice. It is a matter of great importance that claim ants should place their policies only in tho hands of persons of exoerience iu the insur ance business, ia order that their policies may be properly valued, and their interest efficiently as well as faithfully represented. Appreciating this fact, several attorneys-at-law in San Fran cisco and elsewhere, have placed the claims of their clients in the hands of this agency for presentation with the Courts and Receivers in Eastern States. For tho direction and information of claim ants in the interior, who are unacquainted with these matters, special reference is made to the Managers of tho principal Life and Fire Insur ance Companies iu San Francisco, l'arties holding policies must take prompt action in or der to protect their interests and secure their claims, because it is absolutely imperative that claims be tiled in the East within a specified time from the date of the lirst publication of Iteceiverships, which in some instances h;ts nearly expired. Office, 221 Sansome Street, corner California, over the Bank of British Columbia, San Fran cisco. From . riummer, Jt. !., Auburn. X. II. "Although averse to countenancing patent medicines, I cheerfully make an excep tion of your very excellent lung preparation Da. Wistak's Balsam uf Wild Chf.hkt. This preparation I have used in my practice for more than ten years past, and have always found it to be of more effectual service than anything with in my kuowleuge. 1 recommend it with the greatest confidence to those subject to coughs and pulmonary complaints, hold by all di n gists. One More I'lirorlmialr. Almost every day the papers chroni cle tfie suicide of some twxir unfortunate whose mind has lteen enfeebled by dyspepsia, over whose earthly horizon a iieavy gloom has gath ered from the untold and un tellable agonies of this cruel complaint. Dyspepsia is one of the most depressing diseases aftlicting humanity. It is cosmopolitan in iiu nature no country is ex empt from its visitations, no family free from iU attacks. There is a balm in Gilead ; it comes in tin- siiape of the I'ebuvian Syrup. For years it has been scattering its blessings abioad. There is, probably, no disease -which experience has so amplr proved to be remediable by the Peruvian Syrup as Dvspepsia. The most invet erate forms of this disease have been completely cured by this medicine, as ample testimony of many of our first citizens prove." Soldby all druggists. Casckb can re Curkd. Dr. JIonu, of Phil adelphia, announces his discovery for tho radi cal cure of Cancer. JVo Knife! No Pain! No (JauMiv! Remedies with full directions sent anywhere. Pamphlets and particulars sent free. Address witli stamp. Dr. H.T. Bond, 859 North Broad st., Philadelphia, Pa. w if iu rn iti:i HKN'D FOB lliilr:il'i IUok and Mot to (lie Magnetic Elastic Truss Co., wuU Sac ramus to St., San Francisco. 1)IIOT4K Actresses, 5c.; Hper-ial subjects, 10c. each; Catalogue. 3c. N. L. Whitney, pub. aim dealer, 67 Jackson street. Chicago, Illinois. THE SECRET Adviser and Private Med ical (Juiae. SulTVrers from physical debility, indiscretions and excesses, send 2!ic. to Dr. John Cooper, P. O. Box 2,14.1. Phiia., ?et a copy, cure yourself, and save expense and exposure. N. F. BURNHAM'S ' 1874" WATER-WHEEL la drrlnrnl the "STAMHItll TI RBIXK," by over .1 persons who us- it. Prier rr-tl tiol. New pamphlet, free. N. K. BUKNHAM, York, Pa. J i.. rouKWKix-M ui:.. TAL ROOMS, 230 Kearny SL. .near Bush. Han Francisco. Kthkk or c r fChi.orokob.v administered A ladv assistant in attendance. Jhaditatkh only employed to operate. REVOLVER FREE Seven-shot revolver. with box cartridges. Address J. Bowu ft Son, 126 und i: Wood street, Pittsburg, Pa. CHEMICAL STRENGTH " cure seminal Vy weakness and all forms of debility resulting from error or excess f 3 per bottle. Sold at ail drug stores. Ckakic k Briqhah, Agents. San Francisco. WANTED AUKSTS III each couuty on --M-r salary, to sell a new machine. Address, inclosing names oi two references and 50c. to pay for corresponding, A. Sklmar, care Lock Box 82-1. Newark, O. QILHAM S GREEN OINTMENT, FOR all external diseases of the Horse, has no equal. For sale by Traders, Drnegists and Harness-makers. MAIN fc WIKCHKSTKR, Xl-f and l Battery Street, San Francisco. QCTTI CDC On Public Land can get OL I I LI.no Patents direct on entering. Address U. '. GRAHAM. Washington. I. C. PAIXTER'M ytAX-VAl.. House and Sign Painting, graining, varnishing, polishing, kalso miuing. papering, lettering, staining, eliding, etc., SO ts. Book of Alphabets, 60. Scroll and Orna ments. $1. Furnisher and Cabinet Finisher, 50. Watchmaker and Jeweler, 50. Soapuiaker, V: Tax idermist. 50. Of booksellers or by mail. J ESSK HANKY fe CO., 119 Nassau St., New York. Dividend Notice. SAN FRANCISGWINGS UNION. 332 California Ktre!. ror. Webb. InOR HALF YEAR ENDING WITH JUNE 30. - 1877. a dividend bas been declared at the rate of eight and seven-tenths (8 7-10) percent on Term lie posit and seven and one-fourth (7'4) on Ordinary De posit, free of Federal tax, pavable on ana after July 11,1877. I.OVELL WHITE. Cashier. Save Your Money BY GETTING YOUR PHOTOGMA PHS AT IIOWLAND-N JiKW OALLKRV, So. 3.1 Thikd Stkekt. First-cliiss Photographs for half the price charged at other Galleries. Ufe-size Por traits in Oil or Water Colors, mnly Ten Dollar. Old Pictures enlarged to any size and Beautifully Colored. Best Euameled Cabinets and Cards very cheap Ht HOWI.AND'S NEW GALLERY. I'lense call and see our work and get our prices be fore sitting elsewhere, and be fure and remember Him number, 35 Third Mtrt. corner f Jessie B. r. IIUH LA. AriiKt. . - San Fkaxcisco, Cal RICHESSE DU SANG. Introduced Into America as Is a French Iron preparation which closely mixes ud with the very economy of the system and renews its mechanism by giving to the blood that necessary quantity of red globules which constitute the healthy vitality of the individual under its influence the appetite will he revived the cheeks will gradually redden, the energies, moral and physical, will be strengthened, and consequent ly life moWe rnjoynble. It has none of the dis td van tages or ordinary Iron try it. Ask your chemist for It. or apply direct to C. MKI.QI IO.ND, Agent 415 sansoms street, cor. Commercial, San Francisco. R. THOMPSON, ATTORNEY AT J. A IV. KOOM NO. -79 MONTGOMERY BLOCK, corner FranclK0ODWOmer,r nd WbiW 8trets?a0 jT-speclaJ attention given to RHubrnnr , general prac tice In the Lilted tv5 cS?I F fP. O. Box 191. LIBRARY, I rice IM) San Francisco May 30, 187T. W the undernlgned llholrnale ro '. lake ilratnr In rrmarkiuglbr in. rrratfd demand ror IIohpii'm Prpuiliiiu Yeaat louder, and of teMif ins to Ihe central a!irstctluii civeii b.v (bis branti : San Francisco WELLMAN. PECK & CO., KOOT & SANDERSON'. LEDDEN. W HIPPLE & CO , HAAS BROS., TABER, HARKER CO., T. M. PIKE & CO.. .1. A. FOLGER & CO.. NEWTON BROS, i CO.. CASTLE BROS., KRUSE & ECLEK. JONES k CO.. M. EURMAX k CO., F. DANERI & CO.. M. & C. MANGELS. TILLMAN & BENDEL. ALBERT MAU & CO.. W. W. DODGE CO. Hacramk.nto ADAAtS. McNEILL & CO.. MEBIL'S k CO., BOOTH & CO.. MILLIKEN BROS. BARNARD'S 'IMS SAN FRANCI-CO, CAL.. OFFERS the best facilities for a lirst clans Busi ness Education. You may a'tenrt two days free of charge to see how -on like if. No more students Hie admitted than Professor Ititruard can personally instruct. Each student receives personal instruc tion. Over one hundred reference to graduates iu Sun Francisco. i:iWAii isosffcui v to. I.ott-r Ir-w and l.iiliogrille AND BLANK BOOK M J N V F A C T V R fc It S ; Printing Oflice and Book Bind, ry, I.-ldeM!orrSt.. from Clay lo Commercial. SAN FRANCISCO. Money t lLasa ON FIRST CLASS FVRMING LANDS. IN large sums, at low rates. Ijtnds bought ml s Id. Parties having money to loan can always find good securities, bv applying to w.m. i.i:Frnwt:ti, No. 13 Stevenson's Building, s. VV. Cor Montgom ery and California stree ts. San Francisco. VSATIItH'AL JritXI.-liol.ll SPICY and ORIGINAL! containing the Freshest end Brightest l iterature of thj day. Hun.i.i s r Km TOttiAUs! Caustic Criticisms. Hre-zv Sketches. Publlsned every Saturday. For sale ly ii'l liewi dealer. Kdilori.il Rooms and HUffiness OmVc, 522 California street. Sun Francisco. BOUGHT AND SOLI). 1 VI V A X (IS M A l K iinMIMMl STOCK . . Aoci.n.'.tN Solicited, und Ordeis bv Mail or Tele graph Promptly Executed on Commission at SAN FRANCISCO STOCK BOARD, COLLATERAL LOAN NAYIIVGK 55 A K , Corner Post aud Kearny Streets, SAN FRANCISCO. HARRIS & BRADLEY, Manufacturers of llurils's IMTHXT FJSUIT imiHKN. Patent Heater for Dairy use, for Steaming Feed fo Stock; Patent Heater for Ijiuudry or Bath House. Also. Windmills, which are made of Cast and Gal vanized iron, ami warratnied to work as well and last as long as those ro.Ming three times as much. All of the above machines are fully warran ted. All that is asked is a fair trial, and if lliey do nt give satisfaction the money will be refunded. All who wish a rhesp, efficient Fruit Drier, should not fidl lo call and evamine Harris's patent before purfhasiug any other muke or style. A A A A I Maize Flour Toilet Soap! Maize Flour Toilet Soap! Maize Flour Toilet Soap I A great discovery? a new soap compound ! It srthes, softens, ami whitens the sk n, lias wonder ful healing and superior washing properties, and is equally suited for the bath, nursery, and general toilet. It is delightfully perfumed, and sold every where at a moderate price. Reglutered iu Patent Ofllce, 1876, by the manuf:icturers. McKEONK. VAN 11AAIIE.N & CO.. Philadelphia. GLADDING, 1BEAN & CO, Manufacturers of and Dealers Iu ALSO, IRRIGATING PIPE. 213 MARKET ST., BAN FRANCISCO, And 116N lo 1172 lirosid h ay, Oakland. Manufactory al LINCOLN, PLACER CO., CAL. CALII OKXIA MILITAHY ACAIDEOVIY. For Circulars address REV. DtVID w. ".I KK. Phikcipal. Oakland. Cal. Oflire aud .Manufactory, ai A 33 Iteale M(. r ka A CISCO. SPECIALTY REMOVAL. !-. has removed to ai flay street. Dis eases of theErK and Kab receive especial attention. Mcdxcal arul tiurplcal treatt rnentgiven In all diseases. Mnch experience In Throat and Lung diseases. Electro- lied in diseases of the nervous system. To (ieiilto rinai-y diseases much atter4ou is given. Mav b cousulted by letter. Address vV. J. pa COM M 11 m (lay Street, San Francisco, (over Clay st reel Savings Bank), Rooms 1,2 and 3. Hoots anil Shoes. JOII. Sl'LLIVA ., N. E. cor. Bat tery and Jackson St , San Francisco offers to make to order the best French Calf Leather BOOTS at from S to ?9 0l California Leather Boots. . . . L French Calf Oxford Ties, . . Km :- ...u-5 niiu .Tnoes mane to order Persons in the country ordering Boots and Shoes in the amount of (12 or more will V alfowed S tionof four percent., to make the express charee. FAhtTl:'1o7t,,,'Sb.o,'9oH, MY PositivyfconeNpLHck ",S HhS 8Ut ' - D COIIEIV. jr-sg-GO AND SEE or write to Dr. Coheu the only living Astrologer. He has practised rectly the past, present and futiueT elves re iahle .,,IhE,tI?S,"D'1.? diCe- of bnat KoS! consult ing blm. Consultation Fee, 2 by letter 3. iwalif medicine is a positive cure for liveT and kidnev SiTJf -i,nta' ,nP.urlty of the blood. nwvoMdebinty heart disease, rheumatism, catarrh, lung disease, fever, diseases of the stomach and female mseS VVnmoavrat"- Medicine wUl be sent to all parts of the coast. Oftice, No. 40S Kearny St corner of Pine, San Fraucisco. 7 1 P ; vitrified Jiliiiigo THE COMMERCIAL HOTEL, SAN FRANCISCO. Twenty-six yeabs ago a native of Brooklyn, New York, inaugurated a hotl in this city It was opened in June, 1851, and, with filial devotion to the city of his nativity, Mr. John Kelly jr the gentleman in question, christened it the " Brooklyn." Time hrings changes and sometime pleasant ones. It is therefore a matter of congratulation to be able to announce that Mr - John Kelly has advanced with the times, and moved from the scene of his former labors into that pw agon of modern hostelries, " The Commercial Hotel." This new building, which has come mv existence simultaneously with the birth of Montgomery Avenue, is the most perfectly arranged hotel in the citv. Everything which the American mind connects with the idea of comfort there. The silent elevator, the softly carpeted halls, the fountain in one of the rotundas, the t.ri vate laundry, barber's shop, billiard rooms, and perfectly ventilated parlors are all there. Til electric bell is to be found throughout the house, and there is not a dark room in the whole es tablishment. An irregular space, almost a pentagon in form, has been left vacant in the outer of the building, so that Ike most modest visitor and the wealthiest tenant have their equal sLgr of God's free light and air. The cost of living at the Commercial is a new era in California : o tel life. For two dollars a day the guest is as well accommodated as he could be at any first-class house for double the monev, and the richness of the furniture challenges competition with anv caravansary between New York and San Francisco. It is not necessary to describe the endW variety of reps and silks with which the hotel is upholstered, or to dilate on the richness of u highly carved black walnut bureaus, bedsteads, mirrors and hnffrts. The building arxt furniture cost over $300,000, and the utmost good taste is united to this lavish expenditure. The diuine room is about 90x40 feet, and is lit by nine chandeliers and numerous side lights. The parlor u magnificently carpeted and ablaze with cut-glass chandeliers, trembling with legions of diamond hued pendants. There are 175 rooms in the house, any one of which is fit for the best gentle man in the land. Circular rotundas, surrounded by a carved balustrade, keep the ventilation ol the lofty halls perfect, whilst they add to the light and cheerfulness of the various etogef. Th range in the Kitchen cost $2,700 and is capable of providing a banquet for 500 persons. Ele gant statues occupv the niches in the main stair-case, and gas pedestals are placed in the center of the lower floor directly under the rotunda. The carpeting of the hotel is the richest probabU in t-.e city, and there is an air of comfort about the Commercial Hotel which can be better felt than defined. It only needed to be known that ' Ktlly of the Brooklyn " was runnine the new hottl to insure its immediate prosperity. It fills a bill in this city long desired, but as yet never accomplished. Under the management of Mr. John Kelly, Jr., the Commercial affords a pala tial home for men of moderate means who seek the comforts of a first-class establishment unal lied with the mammoth charges of first-class houses. IMPORTANT TO WSPAPE RTTSSEIX, GIBSON & Co. Are now prepared to offer extraordinary induce ments to Newspaper Publishers : Ol'TSIORV I.NAIUEX, Sl'PPtEJIESTS. Or entire newspapers, printed with or without our Co oDerative Advertisement", ou more favorable terms than ever before offered. No Advertisements of our own inserted among reading matter, so that patroiis can always know how much they should be credited with. Our selections of reading matter, toirether with our Nan Francisco Letter and Market Report are acknowledged features, and jfive entire satis faction. Be particular and address your communications to Western Xeivspaper Union 5IH (LAY NT.. Nan FranriM-o. RUSSELL, GIBSON &. CO., Pkoprietous. A MERICA SEWING MACHINE. TIi rce-Uit tors I. fit Friction tlaan any other Mncliine. IT BEATS THEM ALL ! Nl f - Tlirr mI Ing Shuttle! Self - Thrpaillng --! 1- 1 I.iglite! KunnlUB Stillest till in if feiiiiplefct ! -y Tills Machine is ta-st becoming known as the 15EST in the WOIMLIH See It ! Try It ! Buy It ! Warranted to Give ENTIRE SATISFACTION. AMERICAN SEWING MACHINE CO . It. HtHlD, nauasrr, 184 FIFTH STKEET. - - - SA N FUAN.dsCO. tt.lood AjrentM Hautnl In all uiioccu pied Territory. BUSINESS COLLEGE, No. 24 Post Street F.Mlabllnhed In lsft3. Impart a Tbui- ouah and practical EducHtion in all Commercial ami English Branches. French, Herman, Spanish Dravv ng and Telegraphy. For information, call at Col lege, or address, for Circulars. E. P. HEALD, San Francisco. International Hotel, 824 and 826 KEARNY ST., SAN FRANCISCO. CAL. 1.SO and 2.l0 Her Day, aud less GueHto to the Hotel Free. Beware of otherCmch nd Runners. H. C. PATRIDGE, Proprietor. AMERICAN EXCHANGE HOTEL, NAN FKANCISO). 'PHIS or.) AND POPULAR HOTE1 WHICH , has for the last twenty-four years extended to the traveling public a cordial welcome and comfort of a home, und so favorably known to old Califor mans and the traveling public, that it requirev no comment on my part further thau to say that Thoh, Bkyak, who is an old Califomian.and knows how to cater to the wants of the traveling public, has taken the full proprietorship of the above hotel, and will leave nothing undone to make this hotel second to none in San Francisco for Comfort. Good laving and Cleanliness. My sole aim shall be to the comfort and welfare o my guests. The table is famished with the best the market affords; the house has been thoroughly ren ovated and newly furnished throughout; two hun dred rooms well ventilated. t4entlemanly and obliging clarks. and tdean aud at tentive waiters will always be round iu my Hotel The Hotel is the most centrally located of any' in the city, being In the centre of the business iortlJU of the city; the Street Cars pass the door every two minutes to all parts r.f the city. The Hotel Coach with red lighta, will be at the railroad depots and wharfs to convey passengers to the house free of charge; my Runners wear Silver Badges on left breast with the name of the house on. . " Rtwnre ,f other A'imwri. Hotel Price, ure from fcl.OO to a.OO per Lay. OivVme a ,Zl and ludge for youraelvea- 1''M'N. PaoPKiicTCa. GRAND REDUCTION IN PRICES. Having just received a Large Invoice of WEST OF IGLAD GOODS, Therefore Informs his patrons that be will make CLOTHING TO ORDER at the - Lowest VAfiH PKICK for the next Sixty Days: Business Suits to Order, - $25 Pants to Order, - - - $6 Dress Suits to 0rder,;$35 to $50 Commercial St., cor. Leidesdorff, AStD No. fl Coaxxiy J3ti-oo SAN FRANCISCO. E DIME SAA IIVGS rjVSTv, CIS Market St - t. Kan Franrltrv. F. A. ItrTHKRFOKD. W. .M:MAH(IN O'BKIKX, Til OH. V. O'BlilEN. PRKSir.H.VT C'ASHIKH ATroa.vtv Inrorisiraled In IHIiO. II.UT1 Iepoitor. Tcnn Deposits lo I i Ooiit lcr A.iiitttm. Deposits ri-celved in Kold, silver or currency, and iu sums of ten cents and upwards. Deposits may be made by mail or through WelU. Faro & Co., when Bank Book or Certificate of lie posit will be returned free of charge. WATER, WATER, OR IP 1 J H THE CHEAPEST. THE BEST. The only eommon Muse Pipe. 1'iikily Laid. Stand an.v I'miure. Eaaily lapped with an ordinary auiter. BJOz-Pend for C irculars and information to AMERICAN TIIK CO., ' 28 California Street, San Francisco. BUSINESS COLLEGE, 320 Post Street, SAS HIANCISIO. OPPOSITE I-NTON SQUARE, HAN FRANCIS CO. The oldest and most complete Commercial Yllere on the coast. Elegant halls; new furniture; thorough instruction: practical teachers: higbstauii ing with the public student can commence at aoj time. Day and Eveninir sessions. Circulars may be bad free on application. "There Is no member of society by ln this book will not be found use ful, whether he be I'arent, Preeeptor or rUiKjiuan.'-I.OV DON TIM F.N. 225tli EDITION, BY E. Be F. Curtis, M. D. A V T II O It O F "Medical Essays on Marriage" " Nervous Force." etc- A Medical Essay on the Causes of EXHAUSTED VITALITY, PRE MATURE DECLINE, and all kin dred ailments, addressed to those suffering from the destructive ef fects of ABUSE, EXCESS or IN DULGENCE. Price. One Dollar, bv mall. Address Da. Crans 520 Sutter Street, San Francisco. IMPORTANT NOTICE. IR. CURTIS ran be eonaulled dally, from 10 A. 91. lo 3 I". 91.. or from I I 1 . 91.; on Kundaya from II to 2 only, at bl ofliee aud reoldenee. 3SO Sutter Street, be tween Howell and Jfaton. CONSULTATIONS CONFIDENTIAL 13 I . JS 37 I IV IV IS "V , .o. II ur.invv vriKM. na aiUKif, a TREATS ALL CHRONIC AND SPECIAL DI- MIDDLE-AGED MEN. There are many of the aee of thirtv in ixtv who J"P troubled with too freqnent eva"-nation of lb bladder, often ni-r-n t n mi 1 1 1 twf K A o i i t. ....... r, . n 17 ur burning sensation, and a weakening of the svsteui 111 a manner the patient cannot account for. 6u ex amining the urinary deposits a ropy sediment w-IU often be found, and sometimes small panicles of ai- ""7" appear, or me color be or a nun "u miltcish hue, aeain chanum? to a dark and torpid appearance. There are many men w ho die of this dlfnculty ignorant of the cause, which Is th second stage of seminal weakness. Dr. Spimiev will tfuai autee a perfect cure in all sncli ctuu-s, and a healthy resioration of tbe eeiilto-urinary organs. Oftice Honrs 10 to 4 and 6 to 8. Sundays from IU to 11 a.m. Consultation free. Call or address DR. A. R. SI'INNF.Y, No. 11 Kearny Street. Sun FraucL- TO T1IK NERVOUS ailflpiLITATED TIt. HTinNIIAHT'H ESSENCE OF LIFE CURES NERVOCS AND PHYSICAL DEBIL ity, and restores- exhausted vitality In '"'' weeks as sure as water quenches thirst. Price r3 per Bottle, or 4 Rottles flu case) ?10. Sent lo any -dress upon receipt of price, or C O. D. To be had onl vt 40 Kearny St., San Francisco Oal., where all letters should he addrewsed. Oflice Hours from 8 A. M. to 4 p. M.. and 6 to 8 r. u. CALVERT'S CARBOLIC U 4 Sheep Wash.!! a 3 IAN HOOD