Image provided by: Dallas Public Library; Dallas, OR
About Polk County itemizer. (Dallas, Or.) 1879-1927 | View Entire Issue (June 6, 1907)
SUPPOSE WE SMILE. H U M O R O U S PA R A G R A PH S FROM IH fc C O M IC P A P E R S . r ic u u t I n c id e n t « O c c u rrin g tie W o rld O ver - bey in g » th at A r « t h « « r - t u l to O ld o r Y o u n g t t o V unny b «l«c - U ... ï v < .'] r M . W1U K a | :j. In e c t lf D r a m la g . The "H a v e YOU a match?" alke<l the go a alp who bad dropped Into the buay mail’» office for a chat. "M y clear haa enne out.” “ It aeema to h are the advantage o f you,” remarked the buay man. "H o w ’a that?” “ It knowa ita place.” A C o n trary F a m ily P r ld «. O th «r B e n e fic ia i. “ D o you think the libraries and uni versities you are founding w ill be of any personal benefit to you?” “ I don’t know,” answered Mr. Dustin Stax ; "they may get tbe people so In terested In books that they w ill stop w orrying about tbe w ay we are putting up the cost of nearly everything else.” — W ashington Star. C r a tllr . “ Very few people read my poems,” said the discouraged youth. “ In that case," answered M iss C ay enne, “you should have less hesitancy about w riting them.” — W ashington Star. A Rooster— T a lk about your pedigree stock, b u h l W e ll, my father w as a 7,7 0 rooster and my mother w as a $49 Incubator. H o w ’s that for ancestors? of D a n g e r i. “ Spirituous beverages,” said Mrs. Cumrox, “ have wrecked many happy dLs)K>8itlona." "Y e s,’ answered her husband, "and so have salad, lee crdeain and coffee taken after 10 o’clock at night.”— W ashington Star. R e v e r s i n g t h . O r d e r. S cared T h em . "W h y la It that none of the college fi Hows ever fall In love with that pret- tv Miss Smith?” “They’re Wfrnld of h er; she w on In a debating contest once.”— Roseleaf. S to m a c h t h e W a y t o t h e H e a r t . Missionary— And do you know noth ing whatever o f religion? Cannibal— W ell, we got a taste o f It when tbe last missionary w a s here.— Cleveland Leader. A n oth er W o rld “ You know that pretty daughter of old Curmudgeon? Young Jinks Is pay ing her attention.” “Then he’s also borrowing trouble.” — Baltim ore American. Q u it . T h « M o o n li g h t M i g h t ! A rm t h « T i m e to G e t T h e m . W o rd «. “You do well to complain that I m ake life mlaerable for y o u !’ said the wife. “ It aounda well when I recall bow wbeu you propoaed to me you beg ged and begged of me to say oue word and you would be happy forever.” “ Yes,” blurts out tbe harassed h u e b a n d ; “but you didn’t stop on that one w ord I”— Judge. M an. “ W ho la that man who goea by here currying an umbrella on clear day aan d having none on stormy days?” “ Oh, that’s Hillings, the government Weather forecaster.” H O W T U R T LE S A R B CAUGHT. “ I ’m going to get a nice little w ife. I ’ll have a cosy little home, well-cooked meals, my slippers and pipe ready for me at night and peace aud contentment all tbe days o f my life.” “ You never ought to m arry." "W h y not?" “ W hen a man baa a dream Ilka that be never ought to w ake up.”— Houston P o st “ W ilb u r,” said the lady, suddenly, “ I'v e decided how I w ant thut dress made.” “T h a t’s good," said her husband from behind bis paper. “ I don’t believe I'll have a tucked yoke at all.” “ F in e !” said the man. " I think I ’ll have It all lace.” “ Uh-buh.” “ D on’t you think It w ill be much prettier, yourself?” "E h ? ” " I say, don’t you think It w ill be much prettier?” “ W h a t's that, my dear?” “T h e yoke. W ilbur, I think you might put down that old paper for a moment or two while I'm talking to you.” “ My dear,” said the man, “yon do me an Injustice. I w as paying the strict est attention. I Just didn't catch the d rift o f your last remark about the yoke, w asn ’t it? Yes, I think It will be bully.” "W h a t w ill?” "W h y , the yoke, of course. I think It w ill be a great Improvement having It. N ow — are you satisfied?” “H avin g a yoke?” "T h a t’s what you said, w asn’t It?” “ I said I believed I w ould have it lace Instead of tucked.” “ I thought you were talking about a yoke?” “ I w a s telling you I had decided how I w ag going to have my dress made.” " I know. You decided yesterday, or w as It the day before? I guess It was yesterday snd the duy before. Three decisions; thut ought to make It a cinch. No show for an appeal after that, Is there?” " I wish you wouldn't be absurd. 1 say. I ’ve decided to have the yoke lace iustead of tucked.” “ It w ill make It fit snugger. I sup pose,” said the man. “ As long as you don’t luce It too tigh t Your figure is pretty enough, as I ’ve often told you, without trying to Improve It. I think women are foolish about that. Give yourself plenty of breathing space, my d e a r; t b a {’s all 1 care about." " I 8ald lace, not laced." “ I see. Makes quite a difference, of course.” “H o w cçuld t lace a yoke, do you sup pose?” "D id n 't you say lace, my dear?” "Lace. Don’t you understand? L-a-c-e — Mechlin.” “ Oh, M echlin!” “ W ell, you understand now, don’t you ?” “ Sure. Now , can I read my paper?” "W e ll, tell me first If you don't think It w ill be prettier?” "T h e yokè?” “ W ilb u r !” “ I mean Mechlin.” “ Now , W ilb u r !” “ Excuse itic, my dear. I should have said lace. Yes. I think It w ill look swell.”— Chicago D ally News. M a t h e m a t ic i a n . H u sb a n d *« Q u ery . "H e re Is a woman who w ants a di vorce because her husband wouldn't let her talk.” “ I wonder w h at bis recipe la?”— ltoaeleaf. She K new H er L ittle Book. Maud— W h at I You accepted him right o ff; you should have asked a week to think It over. Belle— And give him a week to think It over, too!— Boston T ra n scrip t A c c o r d i n g to L a w . Magistrate— H ow old are you, m ad am? Witness— According to your own rul ing, I don't know. Magistrate— W hy, how Is that? Witness— You stated that hearsay w as not conclusive evidence, did you nut? Magistrate— Y e s ; but------- W itness (In te rru p tin g )— W ell, I am told that I am so many years old, but, a s you must know, It is only hearsay. R en i T h in s . “ Ah,” exclaimed the husband upon his return from town, "you've succeed ed In getting a servant girl, I see.” "Yes, dear,” replied his w ife, ‘‘and t '.ie'8 an angel, too.” "H o w do you know?" he queried. “ W ell, she says she once lived with yo ur mother for three weeks,” answ er ed the wife. H ls h -r io n n N o tio n «. “ Burnly is one o f the most wonderful mathematicians I know.” *‘I never suspected i t ” “lie Is. W hy, when his w ife meets him at the front door at 2 or 3 o'clock in the morning, he begins at once to square himself.” E a s ily E x p la i n e d . Mrs. N agget— You men are such grouches. Now , w e women never get so cranky aud disagreeable as you do. Mr. Nagget— N o w o n d e r! You hav en’t any w ives to bother you.— P h ila delphia Press. F o rced A m b itio n . “ I am not fond o f the stage, Violet," said Augustus, “ but I hear your father on tbe stairs, and I think I ’d better go before the foot lights.” R eady fo r E m e r g e n c ie s . Tommy had been forbidden to swim In the river ow ing to tbe danger. One E M P R E S S V I C T O R I A A U G U S T A A N D Y O U N G E R C H IL D R E N . day, relates tbe London Globe, be came T he Germ an Empress, accompanied by her younger children, Prlnceea home with unmistakable signs o f having Victoria Louise and Prince Joachim, baa decided to spend a few weeks at been In the water. H is mother scolded Felixstowe, England, next autumn. H e r Imperial majeety has already spent him severely. “ But I w as tempted ao an autumn there d ir ln g oue o f tbe e arlie r years of the K aiser’s reign. It badly, mother,” aald Tommy. "T h a t’» has been Inaccurately stated that tbe late Em press Frederick also paid a all very well, but how did you come to visit to Felixstowe. have your bathing suit with you?” Tommy paused, and then said : “ W ell, G LA D STO NE AS A N ORATOR. man than him round here— and yet mother, I took my bathing suit along, w hat baa he got to show fo r It? Pluck? thinking I might be tem pted!” H o w H « A t t a c k e d t h e A r a s o e s l a o t W hy, when he gits started on a thing D eeper V e t. Tom — I suppose Yerner Is deep In love’s young dream------- Dick— Oh, he's past that stage. He's troubled with Insomnia now.— The Catholic Standard and Times. T r v . t o L t fe . M r. H a rd u p (entering the n ursery) W hy, w hat are all you children hiding for? Small Boy— Please, papa. Tommy’s the bill collector, and he’s called with an account A P r iv ile * « E t p la ln ta . som e “ Patriotism alw a ys Involves sacri flee." “Yes. Take George Washington, for Instance. H e never had anything like t'ie fun w e get In celebrating his birth day.”— W ashington Star. Clood G u m « . Gunner— Yes. they bad quite a little difficulty, but they are going to try to patch It np over a sociable game o f w h is t Gnyer— Ah, I see. They are going to “ bridge” the difficulty, eh? S t l « k tn t h « S h ip . A lady with a very Inharmonious voice attempted to alng a piece called “T b e T em pest” A sea captain rem ark ed ; "D on 't be a la rm e d ; It's not a tero- p est It's only a squall, and w ill aoon be over.” Jmmt So. Stubb— Queer name for a race horse Penn— W h a t la It? Stubb— "W o m an ’s Age.” Penn— Oh, I gness It bears that name because It la alw aya doubtful. T im * Im p ro v e d . “D id yon accomplish anything d u r ing tbe aeaslon o f congress?” "Yea, Indeed.’ answered the states man. “I got some vary good Ideas fo r m y summer lecture tour ”— W ashington I t R e q u i r e . T in a «. Mrs. N uw ed— I feel now quite satis fied that there Is no life so happy as a m arried one. Friend— And bow long have yon been married? M r s Nnw ed— Since last Wednesday. L ik e In to S o lo a a o a . A blind street mnslclan, reports a Chinese paper, stood on the shore o f • river, puzzled bow to croee tbe stream. H a Implored an oil dealer, who hap pened to come along, to a Mist him. Tbe oil dealer bad pity on the belpleaa man, took him on his shoulders, gave him hit money bag to hold snd carried him across. W hen be deposited hla harden on tbe other shore the blind man re fused to return him his money bag, raised a nolee and declared that the money w a s his property. The matter came before the Judge, and each man said on oath that the money belonged to him. T he Jndge Anally ordered the bag o f money emptied Into a w ater tank, and then suddenly announced that the oil dealer w as tbe owner. W hen ssked fo r tbe reason for his de cision, be declared that tbe money of the oil dealer mast certainly abow traces o f hla business, and. Indeed, on tbe a ir fa r e o f the w ater traces o f oil w ere found. Turtles are alw ays captured at night and usually on moonlight one*. This Is the time they go on tbe shore to lay their egg s They select a smooth, sandy beach, dig boles In tbe sand, deposit their eggs there and leave them to be hatched by the beat of the sand. When the t u r t le , « r e on shore for this pur pose tbe hunters come upon them and they are easily overtaken, for turtles are slow movers. T b e buuters have not a very strenuous uudertaklug. All that Is necessary to be doue Is to turn the turtles ou their backs and leave them until tbe next day, when they are removed. Another more curious way of catch ing turtles, accordlug to tbe W ashing ton Stsr. Is by fishing by tbe remora, a fish found In tropical waters. The pop ular name o f this fish and the one by which the children of these countries call them Is the sucking fish. This i name Is given to them on account o f a 1 disk on their heads, by which they can attach themselves to any smooth su r face, like the side ot a shark, a ship or the shell of a turtle. T h is disk is like the soft leather “suckers” that are popular with schoolboys. W hen this fish has once attached himself to any thing you can pull him to pieces rather than force him to release bis bold. T u rtle hunters go In boats and carry several of these remoras In tubs. W hen they see a turtle and get near him the sucker Is sent after him. He is held by the ring on his tall, which. In turn, la attached by a stout cord. Soon the fish Is securely fastened to fhe shell of the turtle and turtle and fish are haul ed Into tile boat together. Once In the a ir the remora loosen his bold and la dropped back Into the tub to rest until another turtle Is sighted. ; “ SOI ! SO I !” t G E R M A N E M P R E S S TO V I S I T E N G L A N D . P r e v a le n t , “ H ere’s something new. W h a t do you suppose this circular Insanity Is?" “ I suppose It Is the klud that Is go ing around.”— Baltim ore American. G re a t ■OMR C LRR IC AL BLURS: B e st the O p p o s it io n . In his prime In a great debate when political parties were set In battle a r ray Gladstone's transcendent oratorical gifts had full play, says Henry W. Lacy In Putnam ’s. T here w as marked contrast In bta manner of answering a question addressed to him In his m inis terial capacity. After purporting to m ake reply and taking some ten min ute« to do it he sat down, frequently leaving hla Interrogator and tbe bouse In a condition o f dismayed bew ilder ment hopelessly attempting to grope their w ay through tbe Intricacies of the sonorous sentences they had listened to. If, aa happened In expounding a bill or replying to a debate, he desired to make himself understood, he hsd no equal. H I« manner In speechmaking w as more' strongly marked by action than w as that of hla only rival, John B r ig h t H e emphasized points by smit ing the open palm of his left hand with sledge-hammer flat Sometimes he, with gleam ing eyes, “like a vulture’»." aa Mr. Lecky genial ly described them, pointed hie forefin ger straight at bis adversary. In hot test moments he best the braee-bonnd box with clamorous band that occasion ally drowned tbe point be strove to make. Sometimes with both hands raised shove bis head, often with left elbow leaning on the box, right hand w ith closed flat shaking at the head of an unoffending country gentleman on tbe back bench opposite; anon stand ing h alf a step back from tbe table, left hand hanging at his side, right up lifted, so that be might w ith thumb nail lightly toneb tbe shining crown of his head, be tram pled bis w a y throngb the argument be assailed aa an ele phant In an hour o f aggravation rages through t J u n g le . Net th « R ig h t K J «4 . "Y o u needn't tell me that Ones tn a great while the head • f a w ays w in oat,” aald " U n d e large fam ily gets a chance ta tha C blcags News. T h e r e ’« asme e f the Look at him. A in ’t a pluck al Josh” o f Han T lh- plucklsr he never lets up. “T o tb er day I w as over to hlg place when one o f tbe cows got Into his corn patch and commenced eating and tromplng dow n corn. “ ‘Conaarn her,' says Hen, ‘I'm Just goln’ to stay here and see how long It'll be afo re she gets all she wants, and goes out tbe w ay she got In.' "T h a r he eot, hour after hour, never letting up nor showing any signs of giving In to her— and after a w hile she saw she'd met her match, and began to weaken. “She et all she could bold, and then she tromped dot^n pretty nigh h alf an acre more, but still he sot tbar. " I t come to be dusk, fln'ly, and still Hen w as standing by. Then the old c o w 's a w It w a ’nt any nse for her to try to make on that she w as plucky as he was. She give lu complete— went back to tbe pasture, laid down, bloated up and died. "H e n ’s been w aiting weeks now for hla potatoes to dig themselves, and be says If they can «tan ’ It be can. “P lu c k ! H e ’s got enough for ten mep. Rat somehow, with all hit plnck, be ain’t ever caught on, ’a ye might say. H e ain’t got ahead. So. ’a I ’m tailin’ ye, there’s something more’n Jes’ plnck needed for a man to get ahead In this w orld.” One E x c e p t io n . Ned— I called upon Miss Outertown last night, determined to w in her. She accepted me all rig h t Dick— Good for y o u ! C arried every thing before you, eb? Ned— Not everything. W hen I start ed to catch the last train home I car ried her father a bulldog bshlnd me.— Philadelphia Ledger. E x c e p t io n . Biggs— Poplelgh seems proud o f the fact that hie boy la anaanally large for hla age. D iggs— Yea, except when ha to trying to coov I see a railw ay conductor that tha kid la « t i t l e d to rlda for h alf far«. H m m .ro a . M U I a k a « M a g e k y l a t h « P o lp H m l ■ Ia o w h «r m . Each profession baa Its stock joksa. Its atoriea innumerable, and to each be longs a flavor all Its own. -T h at the point o f a Jest Has not lh tha tongue o f him who makes It but In tbe ear that Harvey W . W iley, chief o f the bu hears, la the testimony on tbe groat reau of chemistry, department a f a gri dramatist. Tha doctor on bis rounds culture, 1« known „a (he “ Pure Food and the Judge upon th « h*nch have both Chemist.” For an audience ready and w illing to accept twenty years h e as tbe highest wit tbe bon mots o f the has been advocat speakers, and there Is no clnb o r gath ing the enactment ering of men that does not acclaim one of pure food and of Its members as supreme In this re- drug law s by the | spect, and are ready to yield due recog government, it w as nition of tbe g ift largely through his There Is. however, a vast amount o f efforts that the peo unconscious humor alw aya Boating ple of the United about, and to those who perceive It tbe States gained an world Is very amusing. It must be ad Insight Into t h e mitted that the blunders and Jests cler PROF. B. w. WILEY a d u l t e r atlons of ical stand, for some reason, pre-eminent, food. In order to ascertain the effect both In number and in uilrtti-producing of preservatives on the human race. qualities. The reaeon, of course. Is not D r. W iley organized the fam ous “ P o l- , ... , __ . son Squad” of the department o f agrl- fa r to “ *• " « u7 > tUa* of culture. A dozen men were put at a P™«>ncelved notion, of reverence aU training table, and while some were teud to « “ • * ^ fed preservative food others were fed “ a*7 mental equilibrium, and the slm- pure foods. H U findings most practical In exlsteuce. j were the Pleat ml8tak* or acclde“ t und* r J , Uelk D r. W l W y . circumstance, assumes the proportion* w as t(orn at Kent, Jefferson County, a lu* e com*d^ ’ The divine who In d raw ing the atten Indiana, In 1844. A s an expert on glu- tion o f hla congregation to a special cose and sugars he accepted a posl- communion service on the follow in g ^ on with the department o f agrlcul- Sunday Informed them that “the Lord lure In 1SS3. The chemistry division Is with us In tbe forenoon and tbe that department haa now grown to bishop tn the evening” Is chronicled he the 111081 Important o f all. and It Is lsrgely due to the untiring work of w ith praying for the children o f him parish In these w o rd s: “And now, O Dr. W iley. Lord, bless tbe lambs of the fold and make them meet for tbe kingdom o f The Right Hon. James Bryce, the heaven.” W hile a Scotch minister in new British am bassador to the United nocently, perhaps, hit the mark by tell States, has been chief secretary for ing hla people, “ Weel, friends, the kirk Ireland In the la urgentl^ In need of siUer, and as w e Campbell - Banner bare failed to get money honestly, man cabinet, and we w ill have to see what a bazaar can Is the distinguish do for us.” ed author of "T he There Is a certain amount of excuse American Common to be made for the young curate who, wealth.” Since 1885 remarking that some people came to he has represented church for no better reaeon than to Aberdeen in par- show off their best clothes, finished np 11 a in e n t , and as he glanced over bis audience: ”1 among the offices am thankful to see, dear friends, that that he has held none of you hare come here for that are those of under . i a i i e s u h y c e . reason." secretary fo r foreign affairs, chancellor An Irish clergyman Is credited with o f tbe Duchy of Lancaster and presl- <je„t o f the board of trade. Mr. Bryce having concluded a powerful oration In this fashion: “ My brethren, let nbt le a member of the Royal Society and of various foreign academies, and ha. thla world rob * ou o f a whlch ** received honorable degree from many |caI1 neither * lve no|; take awa/ ’ Institutions o f learning. B o m In 1838.1 W hich Is coupled by the remark of a he w as educated m the University of fellow country colleague who In reaeon- i lug with a woman who had lost her G lasgow and Trinity College, Oxford, faith In Christianity told h er: “ W ell, and w as made a barrister of Lincoln's you w ill go to hell, you know, and I Inn In 1867. shall be very sorry, indeed, to see you there 1” The life story of W illiam Ilesketh But what can be said of the negro Lever, the founder of the English soap student who, conducting the prayers a t romance. Born 55 trust, reads like one of the great missionary colleges, years ago In Bol said : “ Give us all pure h ea rt«; give ton, of humble pa 1 us a ll clean hearts; give ua all sweet rentage, he has by hearts,” to which the entire congrega- blfc own efforts ] tlou made response, “ Amen.” built up a gigan | T be giving out o l church notices h aa tic business o f bis own and "sec secured u re d I often proved a pltfaU fo r 0,6 la-nt,” said a rector lately, wealth and aftlu-1 Durl11* preachers w ill preach on ence. H is fa th e r1 aevpral W ednesday evenings, but I need not was a grocer. At give their names, as they w ill a ll be 10 years of age found hanging up In the porch.” the son w as serv It w as a rector who gave out a hymn LEYUt, 54.F. ing customers be beginning, "A w ak e, my soul, stretch hind his father's every nerve," before his sermon, and a counter. Then he entered a soap fac- curate who read in the lesson fo r the tory, learned the technicalities o f t b s . trade uud sturted In business for him-1 dajr' **e aP*lke tbe words and ca - In ,elf. To-day Port Sunlight, with |t, ! hoppers came and grasserplllars Visitors to the stock yard s of the W est hear the men drive the hogs to the killing pens with the cry, “ Sol, s o l!” This word, or some cognate of It, has been employed says a w riter In the Chicago Tribune, by the swine herds of many lands. A poet or phll- osopher of ancient Greece, stumbling upon a swineherd In the dale and frightening his porkers, would have beard him call to them In some form of the Greek w ord sus, pronounced boos , " and meaning “pig.” The same w ord appears in Latin. T o begin at tbe beginning, philolo gists find a root su, meaning to pro duce ; the sow Is a prolific animal. Th at root undergoes so many changes that tbe layman would not recognize tbe slightest relation between tbe de rivatives and cognates, but tbe expert In word geuealogy and word physiog nomy sees a fam ily resemblance In w ords as dissim ilar as “ bog” and “sw ine," which have no letter In com mon. Students of Greek remember that the other form of sus Is hus, pro nounced "boos.” H us Is blood-brother to the Zend w ord bu. a boar, to the W elsh hwch. W hen there w ere kings In Ireland the word for “ so w " w as sulg. The Dutch w ord Is zeug, pronounced tsolg.” W hen one recalls the sound that swine make In eating, one cannot help wondering If sus and sol nnd tsolg do not In some degree Illustrate that figure of speech which the Greeks called |inode! factories and model villages, |a 1 numerable, but t w as a a y > o u n g wom an's Bible class that, when asked onomatopoeia. regarded as one of the sights of Eng what hymn should be sung at the close, T he scholar, then, knows that there land. Ask Mr. Lever the secret of his they all with one accord chose “ W h ere Is every renson w hy the man In the success and be w ill at once answer, Is my wandering boy to-night?”— stock yards of Chicago should be called ‘H ard work.” H e Is a multimillion Chambers' Journal. " S o l ! so l" to the p igs Am ong the aire, one o f tbe richest In England. workers there are many Lithuanians, F O U G H T W I T H A N A L L IG A T O R . Slavonians and I'o'ea, who are as near Oscar Solomon Straus, w ho has been to tbe ancient G reeks as they are to the F la t t e r «»* «, A tta c k ed by appointed Secretary of Commerce and F l o r i d a modern Yankee. W c are all close rel H a g e S m art**, W la o A ft e r B a t tl«. I-abor, Is the first Jew to bold a cabi atives: Slav, Teuton— the Anglo-Saxon Russel 0 . Knight, o f Point Pleasant, net office. H e w as Is In his speech a Teuton— Celt and N. J„ and a patron o f the R oyal Palm born In 1850, g rad Latin are members o f tbe Indo-Euro hotel, bad an experience thla week w ith uated at Colum bia pean fam ily. T o trace ou r relation | a monster alligator which ha w ill tong In 1871 and from through our w ords Is Interesting not remember as on « of tbe narrowest es the Columbia law merely to tbe technical scholar, but to capes o f bis Ufa, says tbe Miami cor school In 1873. He every one who thinks about tbe history respondent of tbe N ew York Herald. Is well known aa a of bis race. By studying a w ord we Mr. Knight chartered a small “au xil merchant, diplomat ree the bond between the ptg-drlver of iary” and crew last W ednesday and and author. Tw ice old Ireland, tbe swineherd o f ancient started early for a favorite fishing be has been minis Greece, and the laborer In the stock ground In tbe lee o f some o f tbe small ter to Turkey and yards o f modern Chicago. er keys Just outside the B ay of BIs- In 1902 w ss made A fte r some hours of tbe sport a member of T b e o s c a * s . s t e a l ' s . cayne. H I « N um ber. H ague peace tribunal to fill the vacan one of tbe crew sighted a huge alli T w o men stepped up to tbe desk at cy caused by tbe death o f President gator close to the shore. the Brow n Palace Hotel yesterday a f Fishing w as discontinued and the Harrison. ternoon and one of them registered. boat put about and beaded for the alli gator. Tbe latter showed fight Imme T b e other w as acquainted with C. H. Mrs. Lena M argaret Lillie, of D avid diately, and with his tall begun to lash Churchill, the clerk. “ Hello, Church,' he said. “ I w ant City, Neb., lu the peultentlary at L in the water Into spume. Mr. Knight took you to meet my friend. Mr. Fish. He'S coln, Neb., for life for tbe m urder of several shots with his rifle, bnt with her husband, H a r non apparent effect Suddenly the alli out for a Chicago firm." vey Lillie, about gator made for the b o a t Several time* The clerk shook hands with the man four y e a r» ago, was he swung his powerful tall and all but w ho bad Just registered. “G lad to granted an uncon capsized the c r a f t Finally one o f the know you. Mr. Flab," he said. “ W hat ditional pardon by boatmen succeeded In catching the Jaw do you sell?” G overnor Mickey. of the senlrsn with the boathook and "Scales,” w as the reply. It wus bis last offi lifting the head out of the w a ter so “ A good line for a Fish,” said Mr. cial act before re that Mr. Knight could shoot between Churchill. tiring from office. the eyes. Before receiving tbe death T b e traveling man drew a little book Petitions for her re wound, however, the saurian swung hla from his pocket. "L e t’s see,’ be said, lease bad been sign tall, breaking off tbe propeller and as be turned the p ages "Y o u r number ed by thousands of rudder as If they hsd been Jackstraws Is 9784.” uas. L illie . women both In N e Tbe alligator, which w as shown by “ My number?’ said tbe clerk, per braska and In the adjacent States. measurement to be over nine feet In plexed. length, was hoisted aboard tbe little •'Yes,' said the drummer. “Jnat 9784 craft and with tbe aid of a Jury rud people have sprung that Joke on me Lsndstrat von Usier, whom th« Kaiser since I took up the work eighteen sent to southwest German Africa to dis der and under sail, loaded to tbe gun wale«. the hotel dock w sa reached In months ago.” cover water with tbe aid of his divlnln) safety. “Aw , go w e igh !’ « «Id Mr. Churchill. rod. Is said to have found fifty-three The traveling men winced, but decid springs. T h « D y e p e p t l« F le d . ed to remain at the hotel anyway.— A dyspeptic men went Into a restau Denver P ost I ) l . « « . e 1 « <’* r p « « « . At the last session of the P a ris Acad emy of Medicine Dr. Vidal called at tention to the great danger o f con tagion from the use of oriental carpets These carpets come from countries tn which dysentery and other disease» prevail. L «D R 4R |M . O f languages which ao widely differ among themselves ss to be incompre hensible without particular study tbs number readily exceed* 1,000. I f a man o f forty m arries a o f thirty, people eay she Is eighteen, and her husband near seventy. T he poorer a man 1 a th* bettor look be haa la raising children. rant the other day and ordered fried catfish. 'F r ie d c a t!” bawled the wait er to the cook. Instantly the weak stomach rebelled. “Cancel that order,” the customer said, “and give me an order of country sausage.” "Sidetrack the cat and make It d o g !” yelled the waiter, and be la wondering yet w hy T h * moat Important engineering prob lem o f tbe preaent day affecting marine the man grabbed his hat snd left. propulsion le thet o f the eteam turbine, A C e r e p ir e « according to the report o f Rear Admiral Oho 11 oy— So tbs maid who answered C. W . Rae, chief o f the bureau o f engineering, just made public. tbe door didn’t know me with my mus tache off? No bath should he taken w ithin two Ethel— N o ; she m id there w a s a hours after eating. It Inervare» the strange chap at the door w h o looked comfort and Insnry o f all batha If the like a gentleman, hat h a ! one o f j heavy Turkish towels are bested slight c a r d * ly. A Turkish bath w ill often reduce flesh sod as often In creare I t One* a month la often enough for mch a lux shrink and aqm* e th e r« a e re « hew small thay really are. ury- Ambassador Thompson haa advised the Stats Department that President Dlaa o f Mexico has taken prompt action toward remedying the damage to property In tbe Im perial valley sa tbe result o f the over flow o f tbe Colorado river into Sal too Sink. ■y 3b <3 - X.
