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About The Oregon scout. (Union, Union County, Or.) 188?-1918 | View Entire Issue (May 7, 1891)
it LULLAUY. Clom rour eyelid tmlij; darlin, I Jlitt HOl'l I'llMlllH oil Khltti of UlUOt All unseen Kit' holy aiceW Kivptlifjr wateh. d:if overycu. lb III eon:!i lu imiJimi sjiletidor filllltR. 111 last, lilt-KIIIIIIlll-l Hlltli "While tlje twilight. Mifuiud leader, Tells tin- day I dime' XulJatiy' sleep uml rest. lrndled oa t.il faitnful lin-ant! Safe fnmi llle's norm i. (letve and wild, Sloepand rest, my little, cutldl til'Jtllber! Lullattyt XJke a bird. Unit, tiivd of roaming, ijeek cl eve its don ny nest. Go ny Mrdliti. in tliu gloaming, Uwwtl.v sleep. uon my broaotl ' "OS to dream I.. .id luhys ptltis 'ilucilxT'H Bllken iuIU unfurled " While night iniis are softly blowing OVr the silent world! Xullnby' Sleep nml riiat, "Cradled on this faithful hreaUl Bafe fii.n lifo'H storms. Ilerco and wild, Bleep and rust, my littlo child! BIuiiiImt! Lullaby! Eva Utvt In Detroit Froo Prcas. IN' TWO IIALVKS. THE nnsT HALF. "Wet nnd dreary. It la midwinter; the. evxuo is Ivirklington, on the London and Northwestern; the time quarter to 11; Just after the night mail had flashed (through witliout stopping Ixmnd for Liverpool nnd (he north. The railway olBcixds tiii; collecting, preparatory to going off duty for the night. "Where's Lan?"iisked oneof tlio crowd upon the platform. inw nun in llie lint just niter tho quarter to 1 1 went through, Can't liavo conic to any liarni, surely? "No; he said he'd soon something drop rom the train, and ho went down tho Sine to pick it up." And Dan had picked up something. 5t was a basket, a common white wicker basket, with a lid fastened down by a string. What did it contain? Dirty clothes? What? I half a dozen weeks A baby a child old, no more "Where did you comoacros3it?" asked one. "Lying on tho line, just whero it fell. IPcrhapu it didn't fall, perhaps it was -chucked out. What matter? I've got it, and got to look after it, that's enough tor me!" Tho little tnite'o linen was whito and of line material, but lay upon an old shawl and n few bits of dirty llanncl. 1 -All they found was a dilapidated purse, ' at common snap bag purso of faded 4rown leather. Innido was a brass thim-1 Wo, a pawn ticket and tho half of a Bank of .England note of 100. A new pareon Harrold TrcfTry -had come lately to lurlrlington. 5Ie id now paying a round of parochial "visits, nivoiupanied by nn old college "cIvcvh, who id spending Christmas with liim. "Yonder." said Treffry, pointing to a "thin thread of smoke which roso from some .gaunt trees into tho- sullen wintry -airT "yonder is the house if, indeed, it tlrv: no grand a mime tho hovel, rather, of one whose case is the- hardest o all tho hard ones in my parish. This cnan to u mere hedger and ditcher, one who world .lor any master, most often for the railway, but who i.i never certain of a job all the year around. Ho has a ewurm of young children, and has just iost hi i wife, lie to absolutely prostrated; sujhnst probably at his utter incapacity to do his duty by his motherless littlo ones. I wonder whether you could rouso Mm. If you could only get him to mako sign, or cry, or laugh, or to tako tho ni;Ule.4 i iterest in common affairs. Jack-, I believe you're tho very man. Vou might get at him through tho chil dren that inarviloiu hanky pauky of yours, those t;urpri'ii:v; tricks; a child takes to you naturally ;.t once. Try and ia.Ue friends with I'r'o. Perhaps when tho father Been tn i interested and amused ho may wrni a little, upenk, perlinps approve, porliap-i smile, ami in the end givo in. Jack, u ill you try? Jack ivewbiggtu was by profusion a conveyancer, but n-'.uro had intended liim lor a new Houuin, or a wizard of iUms north. He wn.i more than half a 'troretiiionr.l by tho time ho wa3 full cgrown. In addition totheiuiek eye and tho facile wrist ho had tho rarer gifts of 41ns euave manner and tho faco of brass. JEro had even studied mesmerism and clairvoyance, and could uon occasion surprise Ins amiienco considerably uy ins gowcr. They entered the misemblo dwelling together. The children eiht of them were all tirmishing over the floor, except one, n child of (1 or 7, a bright e-jed, exceedingly beautiful boy. tho least wore not nature's vagaries well known likely to be born among and be long to such tiumnmdings, who stood bo tween the legs of tho man himself, who had his b.iek to tho visitors, and was :nnchtiig low over tho scanty (Iro. Tho ni.ui tuniixl his bend for a mo ment, gave a blank utare, then an im perceptible nod rial onco nioro ho glow ered uown upon the lire. "Here, little ones, do you sco thto gentleman'? He's a conjuror. Know wlint a conjuror i J, Tonunv?" catching up . nilto of ! or 0 from tho ltoor. "No, not 3rou; nor you, Sarah; nor you, Jnkoy" and ho ran through all their names. I'lwiv lifiil linvv ii.mqiwI tlinlr v?iiTilw-t1a and wcro staring lumLnt their viuitoru ' tlw tnomet inent was propitious; Jack New-, bifrpiii ho'nin. He bail forttmutolv tilled Ma pockets with mils, oranges ami cakes iwforo leaving tho arsonngc, to ho had lialf his npimmtus ready in hand. Tho pretty lxv hud very uoou left tho father at thu fire and had come over to join in tho fun, c"ig kick, however, to cjdiibit his chare of thosoil and describe voluminously what had occurred. This aud tho repeated bhoutti of laughter seemed to produce some impression on! Aim. I'ixomiy no looted over ms, vbouldcr Uiid tiaid but without run aualion: "It is very cood of you, uir, eurcly; Tery gootl tor you to talio no tindly to , lielal means. the littlo chicks. It ftoea them good to. "'IVy him, Sir Lewis; try hitnyour iauch a hit, hut it urn t much as thoy'vo self," crlod tseverr.1 voicca. &ad to mako 'em lately." "1 scarcely liko to lend niyoelf to such "It Is good for nil of us now and again, ' folly or cucourauJ to pltiibio an oshlbl I take it, said Jack, 0. sl6ting and going i tiou." towards him. tho children gradually col-, But ho pecmed to lo conscious tlintfur Zacthig hi u Car oil comer and coin paring ther protcot would bo in Jack's favor, so vaotea. j ho said, "Can you tell what 1 havo in "You can't laugh, cir, If your heart'u this ocket'r" lio touched tho left breast Heavy; u you tio it can bo only a eiuuu. Wliilo hu wan caking Im liud taken , tkaBiblo from tho thclfVcnd lYsuruws' iik Beat began to turn tho leaves over. , "I'm nn untaught, rough countryman, dr, but 1 havo he.trd tell tliat tluw tKrongo things you do aro only trickuj ciiu't it HOT' I Ilcra was Indixxl a hopeful e ymptom. j '& won rourtod then to UiLo soma latercvt w wlwt had ocvunvd, "All trick, of course, it all cotnes of prin t ice." a id Jack, as he proceeded to explain some of the simiilc processes, hoping to encliai:) the man h attention. "ThatV what 1 thought, sir. or I'd liave given you u joh to do. I'vo lieen in want of a real conjuror manvn. long dav, anil nothing less' 11 do. !Ve here. sir" fv i;:iid. us he tool; a small, carefully folded paper from between the leaved of im Bilile. "do oll see tills?" It wan half a Hani; of England rvt K.O. "How. sir, could any conjuror laij. to the other haKV" "How did you come by it" asked Jat ' at once. "I'll tell you, sir: Hhort as I can make it. Conjuror h no conjuror, yoifvo got u kindly heart, nnd I'm main sure that you'll help if you can." Dan then described how he had picked up the basket from I he 10:45 Liverpool express. "There was the linen; I've kept it. See here: all marked finite pretty and pro per, with lace round the edges, as though i itu mother loved to mako the little one j Kinnrt." Jack examined tun linen; it bore a monogram and crest. The first he mado out to mean 11. L. M., nnd the crest was plainly two hammers crossed, and tho I motto, "I striko" not a common crest and ho never remembered to havo seen it before. And was that all? "'Cent tho hank note. That was in a poor old purse with a pawn ticket and a thimble. I kept them all." Like a truo detective Jack examined every article minutely. The pureo bore the naino Hester (Jorrigan. La rudo let ters inside, and the pawn ticket was out in the same name. TIIK BKCO.Vt) HALF. I When Jack Newbiggin got back to tho parsonage he found that his host had ac cepted an invitation for them both to , dino at tho "big house," as it was called, the country seat of tho wpiiro of tho parish. "I havo been lighting vour battles nlJ day," began Mrs. Sitwell, the hostess, when seated at dinner next to Jack, "Was it necessary? 1 should liavo thought myself too inuigniflcaut." liiey were talking at lunch of your wonderful tricks in conjuring,' and ono said that tho skill might prove inconven ient when you played cards, for in stance." "A charitable imputation; with whom did it originate'?'1 "Kir Lewis Mallaby." "Please point liim out to mo." lie was shown a grave, scowling faco upon tho right of the hostess a faco liko a mask, tho surface rough and wrinkled, through which tho eyes shone with baleful light, liko eonwo candles. in u seiiulchcr. Jack let his comjwnion chatter on. It wan his habit to get all tho information possible about any company in which ho found himsolf, for his own purpose as a clairvoyant, and when Iilrs. Sitwell Hugged ho plied her with artless ques tions, and led her on from one iwrson to iiuoiiitT, malting iiHMiuu nuics iu nervu .1 I.! ...I ..... A I him hereafter. It is thu.i by careful and lalKirioua preparations thr.t many of tho strange and seemingly mysterious feats of the clairvoyant conjuror aro per formed. When tho whole party were assembled in the drawing room after dinner u chorus of voices, headed by that of tho hostcui, summoned Jack to his work. There appeared to he only one dissen tient, Sir Lewis Mallaby, who not only did not trouble himttlf to back up tho invitation, but when tho performance was actually begun was at no paiiw to conceal Inn contempt and digust. The conjurer made tho conventional plum pudding in a hat, lired wedding rings into quartern loavej, did all man ner of card tricks, knifo tricks, pistol tricks, and juggled on conscientiously right through his repertory. Theio was never a smile on Sir lxwis' faco; ho sneered unmistakably. I inally, with an ostentation that savored of rudeness, ho took out his w.teh, a great gold rojicatcr, looked at it, a;;d unmLtakubly yawned. Ji:ck hungered for that watch di rectly ho isiw it. Perhaps through it ho j might make its owner uncomfortable, if , only for a moment. Dut how to get it ; into his hnudu? lie asked torn watch a dozen were oiFeivd. No. none of theso I would do. It utiu;t bo a good watch a ' repeater. Sir Lewis Mallaby'a wns tho only ono in tho room, and ho at ttrt,t distinctly rc j fused to lend it. Hut u many earnest entreaties were addreascd to him, the . lio.it ens leading the attack, that ho could not in common courtesy continue to ro fuse. With something like a growl ho took hu watch oft tho chain and handed it to j Jack Newbiggin. i A curious, old fashioned watch it was, which would have gladdened the heart of a watch collector all jeweled and enameled, adorned with crest and in Kcrintion an heirloom, which lind pro bably been in the Mallaby family for years. Jack looked it over curiously, meditatively; then, liuddenly raising lito eyes, ho stared intently into Sir Lbwto Mallahy's faco and almost na quickly dropped them again. ,vrhis is far too valuable," ho said cour teously, "too much of a treasure, to bo risked in any conjuring trick. An ordi nary modern watch 1 might replace, but uot a work of urt liko this." And ho handed it back to Sir Lowia, who received it with ill concealed tatia- faction. llo wr.a an much pleased, prol- ably, in failure in tho proved ulcL- as ct tho re covery of his pio'ierty. Another watch, however, wan pounded into a jolly and brought out wliolo from u cabinet m un adjoining room. "Oh, but it Is too proixjstcrous," Gir Lewis Jlallaby was heard to cay, quito angrily. Vho continued npplauco pro- foundly disgutcd liim. "lhis Li tho merest charlatanism. It must bo put an end to. it la the commonest Aruposture. tneso aro tmng waun no naa coaciieo up in advance. lct liim bo tried with something xt hlcli ttiKin tho frxo of it ho cannot havo lixmicu bcforeliaud by art! oi ma coat. A ixxiketbook." "Bald Every ono carries n rtocL'ctbool: in his pocket." "But do your lukod several of tlio by etnndera, all of whom wcro growing deeply Intercstod In tbU ntmugo dual. thr Luwis Mallaby confr&cd that ho did, and nroducod it un ordinary mo rocco leather purto und jtockct book, ull in one, .;M1KaM'JdlI", "Certainly. "What iloesthIs pockctbook contain?" "Evidence." "Evidence of what?" "Of fne t that must, sooner or later, "omc to light." "What ridiculous nonsense! I givo yru my word that this fjocket liool; con- Homing nosoiuteiy notinng nut U 11 mk of England note for 100." ".itayl" uaitf Jack Newbiggin, facing ' im abruptly, and speaking In a voice of thunder. "It is not eo you know it it if only the half!" And as he soke he took the pocket look from the hands of the really stupi lied baronet, and exhibited, for inspec tionthe half of a Dank of England noto for 100. There was much npplausc at this harm less and successful denouement of what threatened at one stage to lead to niter cation, perhaps to a (jimrrcl. IJut Jack Newbiggin was not satislicd. "As you have dared me to do my worst," said he. "listen now to what I havetoBjiy. Not only did 1 know that was only ilv half of a note, but 1 know where the other half is to lie found. I "Ko muclLthe lctter for me," said tho baronet, with an effort to appear humor ous. "That other half was given to shall I say, bir lewis? Sir lowis nodded indifferently. "It was given to one Hester Corrigan, an old nurse, six years ago." "Silence! Say no more," cried Sir Lewis in horror. Sir Lowi:t had been a younger son; tho eldest inherited tho futility title, but died early, leaving his widow to givo him a Iostluimoiis heir, the title remaining in abeyance until time showed whether the infant was a lioy or a girl. It proved to lie a, boy, whereupon Ix'wis Mallaby, who had tho first information of tlio fact, put into execution a nefarious project which he had carefully concocted in advance. A girl was obtained in a foundling hos pital and sulwtituted by Iuly Mallaby's nurse, who was in Lewis' pay, for the newly born son and heir. Tins eon and heir was handed over to another accom plice, Hester Corrigan, who was bribed with 100, half down, in tho shape of a half note, the other half to Ikj paid when she announced her safe arrival in. Texas with tho stolen child. It occurred 'to Mrs. Corrigan in her transit lietween London and Liverpool that though 100 would be acceptable on her arrival, the child would be only an encumbrance. She therefore threw the basket contain ing him out of the window, forgetting that in it she had for safety deposited lier purse. i It was the watch borrowed from Sir' Lewis Mallaby which first aroused Jack's suspicions. It Inire tho sanio crest two hammers crossed, witli tiro motto, "I ' btriko" which wns marked upon tlio , linen of the child that Dan Blockitt i up at Ivirklington stntion. 'the initial of tho naino Mallaby coincided with tho monogram II. L. M. From these facts and what we had I icon told by Mrs. Sitwell, Jack rapidly drew his cbnclu- . . . fiioilS, 1111(1 IlKHlO a ikiki snot, wmcn mi the mark, as wo havo seen Iowis Mallaby's confession, combined with Unit of Mrs. Corrigan, who was found by tho police, soon reinstated tlio rightful heir, and Dan Blockitt in after years had no reason to regret tho gener osity which had prompted him to givo the little foundling the shelter of his rude home. London Tid-Bits. Iximlon's flrowth of Population. When the population of England in 1801 was under 11,000,000 that of London was 058,15611. Tho capital und tho king dom havo grown together, but tho for mer has always grown faster, so that whilo England (including London) mounted from nearly 0,000.000 in 1801 to nearly 20,000,000 in 1881, London grew lroui iMS.Sua to u,8iu..i;j m 1B81. Lon- don more than quadrupled its people, whilo Entrland (mcludimr London) did not nuito triple ii; England (excluding ! ixmuon) nuvuneeu in a still smaller pro portion, and it will bo Been that England, excluding all its big towns, exhibits a still feebler advance. But noto this point about London: its limits increase. If we had a series of maps shaded so as to show the iopula tion we should see tho black central spot of Loudon getting bigger and bigger tho wen which Cobbelt detested ami de nounced growing more and nioro por tentous in size, but though tho biack sjiot grew bigger, yet its center grew lighter and lighter; and by tho center is not meant that strictly limited area called tho city, but something nioro liko what Ixindon was when the century be gan. Take, in fact, the area occupied i -". i .. r." r .' i tuted tho population of London m 1801, i and fewer persons will be found Hying upon it, while around it lies a widening uy tno macs ci uioso uotf.&uii who consti ring, growuig ulacker as tho center whitens. While, however, London has grown so enormously in population and in so great a proportion compared with tho rest of tho kingdom, its rato of increase lain not been at all commcn Btirato with that of mtuiy provincial towns, nor has it been equal to that of tho towns of England asu wholo. Kino toenth Ckiutury. Dir. Antor'a IlxjMtustTo Vocht. Within a stono's throw of a South Brooklyn pier recently wcro fifteen yachts, sloops and echconers, littlo nnd Lie;. Thev renresontod Sl.000.000 of enni- tab The htgliest priced was Mr. Astor's l,!..fl"'t .t l.....l... X'.... 1 1 I big 273 feet long steam yacht Nounuahal, v.'lilcii lav looming up liko nn ocean steamer. Tlio Nourmahal cost $300,000, and Mr. William Astor, her owner, uses her for about threo months in the yean tho other nine months sho Ilea idle. Tho cjcpen&o of running this leviathan toy is 0,000 per month. By tho uccessary cs IHmso d meant the uo6t of fuel and tho wages and keep of her crev. Wliat Mr. Astor eponds Li ent:it,.hi!:vyU3, etc., on board, of couruo nobody luiowo but him self. Tho oxponRo, thcrcforo, of Looping tho Nourmahal for u ).-ui; outside of her owner's jorso:u;l o:;penditarea,is: Interest on money invested, 518,000; expenses for timo elio is in coiiMuission, 18,000; ro ixiim, etc., cac'a li'riug, about $5,000; total. 11,000. F..ia theso llgures it would bo easy t j en.auato how much tho yacht would cos.: to Loop tshould 6ho lo in coinmibiilja I La year round. About 100,000 u y.ai' . ould j"-t about cover it. Even Mr. Aau :, v. i Ji ah hiu wealth, could ccatxjclv ciToivl thli. raid so tho Notir- tuahal licw tul-j u-otut of tho tiuu Brook lyn Iiasle. Tlio Cnlvarniil Boltcut. ' Tact Id tho uuironwl eolvont. nut it h u c'ft, liko ertraordinary moniory, or a esuuitlvo mi'Jtical oar, or u qulok and truo cyo for oolur. VVMtlwut it tlioio is no maftic of itKUitwr, U:t with it a ohnrin lug iHii'eoaalUy b triunipluuit.-iinariwr' Magashic. . the tukkisii bath. - AN INSTITUTION THAT IS POPU LAR WITH THE LADIES. Women Who DbiIio to Increase Tlirlr Weight, and Other Vt'lio Do tho Same j to Mako TIiciimcIk'K Tlilmiei l-iidli-i1 j Duy at a St. UmiIk Itutli Hume. j While St. Louis cannot boast of any I Turkish bath houses marked by Parisian or even Levantine luxury and elegance us to fittings and conveniences, she can claim to have a large contingent of fresh J looking, handsome women wjio give full credit to tho beautifying influence of ' regular Turkish baths All the public i Turkish baths have "Ladies' Days." and tho register of the leading establishment yields on inspection a long list of names of ladies prominent in society, in the schools, in the churches in all the sets and circles of the Ixxly social of our city On 'Ladies' Days" this bath house can hardly accommodate the crowds of maids, matrons, children and school girts that are its regular customers. HAVK TtlKIlt ItKOCI.AIt DAYS. The visitor as well as the attendants at the hath house soon learn to look for cer tain classes on the same clays of each sue- cessive week. Those who come by order of their physicians, or for some special physical ailment, aro generally pr:nptly on hand Tuesday: society women who come to recuperate their expended strength and for beauty baths, favor Thursday as the off day of their week, when tho gayeties pause for breath and one is less likely to "miss something" on that day. Saturday is the teachers' day. when they may stop to shed the dead skin of their sK'nt forces and relax the taut muscles of discipline on the slab where the spray soothingly falls on the just and the unjust alike, for most often, too. some of their recalcitrant pupils conio in gay. noisy little shoals and mnke thecorridors ring with their laughter and j little screams of merriment. ' The faith of many women in the vir- i tucs of tho Turkish batli is limitless. I Those who are too thin believe that they i will attain the plumpness of their stand ard of perfection by continuing tho baths. Those who groan with llesh think ' the bathing and the rubbing will make j the burden roll away; those whoso com- plexionsare too palo or too sallow seek , there color and clearness. The pimpled j faco expects to grow smooth, the flushed ! faco pale in sooth, they think the Turk- ish bath tho real fountain of eternal youth and beauty. Women as ugly and old as the Witch of Endor have parboiled j themselves until the sup of life has left their skins like parchment, and. they have finally dried up and blown away on the way from their tri-weekly trips to the Turkish baths, .where they hoped to grow fat, fair, and 40 nt least, when scragginess and the seventies had seized them ten years before. One entire fat family of social as well as personal magnitude in this city never fails to send its ampin supply of daugh ters for ii douche anil a pounding every Thursday: but pounding only seems to make them more pulpy. Then there aro threo thin sisters who go to gain sym metry; and three other sisters who havo tho natural rotundity and rosiness of stocky girls only one generation removed from the farm life of their mother's pa rental precincts, go for well, for what? Perhaps to get elongated; perhaps to ac- '"Iru ""'f "'''eii.uo..-.mv ,mHWS for "hat-perhaps only for the I I'wl .l .,; .i I fun t- Then there conies a tall gtrl neither too thick nor too thin, too rosy nor too pale, and. as is natural, sho in clines to the stout, short girls, and they compare notes on tho advantages of Turkish baths. soundino Tim man alauu. The mother of nine children, whoso friends tell her sho "doesn't look a day older" (than whom or when?), conies reg ularly, and says, "it's tlio Turkish bath does it." The phrase may bo a littlo promiscuous, but it seems to be under stood by her friends and fellow bathers. After her will come a beautiful matron of ten years' standing, who never hail any children, and her acquaintances will t "cr sho never looked so lieautiltil ,i ,,,. ,i ..,..., i. i,.. fi, a,ul .6ton"' aml oongratulato her on tho 6i" tunes sho has going around the tell her sho never looked so beautiful world and having no children to iceop her nt home, and wind up by saying she looks younger than ever, and sho says, it is all the Turkish bath. Then a widely known teacher, wise and learned, will Iks heard tolling a pale littlo Dante woman that nothing so helps to clear the brain and put spring into the vertebra and mako keen tho nerves, which, tinclogged, aid all tho faculties to digest tho learned dissertations of the doctors now oxH)unding doctrincsof tho ilesh and the devil as given forth by (loethoat the guild rooms of St. George's, as u thorough massage of tlio physical woman, A suffragist, tossing wildly on a hard couch near by, from which 6ho can seo tho clock, whoso warning hour hand stands nt half-Kist 1'J, notes tho fact that "wo must all bo getting ot of hero pretty soon for those selfish men, who want tho place at 1 o'clock. When women can voto we'll change all this." "I hope you won't vote to let tho men in during the women's hours." exclaimed tho horrified woman of calculus and belles lettres. "Nol wait till I get my corsets on." cries a beauty from her dressing room who hast only heard "men" mentioned, and sho immediately applies tho rabbit's foot to her cheeks, ties down her laco veil and goes out with a last injunction to her liather to "tako cam of my terry blanket nnd things" and with her faco toward tho door to get tho tirst glimpso of any of those horrid men" who may bo com ing, sho looks over tho register as sho signs her nntno and reads therein a list of tho Iwst known namoo In tho city. St, Louis nblic. Thoro ban boon begun iu Paris a cam pfilgn agRlUM trained nuwos, and a ro tiirn to lh oiil tem of nuislug by SU trs of Charity Ium boon strongly adro otitwl. It UftUeged that the mortnllty. In IiojuIuIm ttt I ir own. highir elneo thu IntiuJuloti of trahiod nurses, I III Reform Knvr I'.rnlbt. "Snmnntlia, I wish I could break myself of this ftlaVi.th habit of smnkingl" said Mr. Chugwater, despairingly. "I'd give worlds if I could doit!" "Will you ba guided by my advico, Joslnhf" nuked Mrs. Chuj;wuter. "Whnt do you knotr ulxMit such things!" Iiy demanded. "Never mind what," she replied. "Will you promto to do exactly what I prescriboi" "For how longf" "For about two weeks " "Oh, yes," lio said, listlessly. "Go ahead with your prescription." Mrs. Chugwnter left the room nnd returned in n moment with a Itox of tOO cigars. "Josiuh,'' she said, tenderly, "I boujlit these of n peddler for fifty rents, and I've lieen saving them for yon. You will smoke fourteen of them every duy till they are nil gone." Chicago Tribune. AVImt the I.iut Allmvid llltn. A friend sends us tho following story which may bo u little gray with the frost of time, tliouj;!i uo do not recall seeing it in print. Wo insert it, anyhow, with tho thought that "there's nothing now under tho sun:" , A young gentleman and a young lady were nttoudiug a wedding their own wedding, Iiy tho way. After the ceremony was over tho groom, in a business like manner, asked the minister for a statement of account. The parson told him tho law allowed him JO. Tim , happy groom said, in u generous tone of voice, handing him n fifty cent piece: "This, ' with what the law allows you, will make it three dollars and a half." West Shore. Tim Oar's Jiike. The Cznrina O, my dearovitch, does it not mako your her.rtovsky beat with pridesky t think what a betiutifulovitch country our oitn Russia is! The Czar No, sweotesky, I do not lovesky Russia. Would you know what I tiiiuksky of it! "Yes, my peUky. What do you think of it!" "It is a-bomb-inable!" Lawrence Ameri can. A I'riidrut Hoy. Mr. Jones Tommy, when your aunt comes you must kis her and bo very polite. Tommy No, pa, you jut but I ain't going to kiss her. Mr. .Irin us Why not! Tommy (aged Great Scott! Don't you ever rend the papers Half tho divorco suits and shooting scrapes conio from men kissing other men's wives. Texas Sittings. A Woman's 'Wiiy. Tailor Well. Jones, how did liko tlio new clothes your wifu Jones Hho acted just as she did wheu 1 first began to court her. Tailor How was that? Laid her chock on the lappels Jones No; violently opposed my Burlington Frou Press. suit.- Wamtnnu' Mliitake. Farmer Woodson (who is near sighted) UrIiI There goes ono of them sneakin' water snakes. I reckon I'll fix tlio varmint Cannl Boat Captain Hoy, you slim con nected son of a Kim, what do you mean by I cuttin' my towlino Munsoy's Weekly. Of Couro Not. Bilkin There, old fellow, cheer up! Never mind if bho lias jilted you. Look around for auothei. ftemeiiiber tliero aro plenty of good flsh in tho sen yet. Tompkins (dolefully) Yes; but, confound it, I didn't want to marry a fish, you know. Lawrence American. Tim SllgS''stlVB. "Mollyi" Said tho young nnd jiopulnr left fielder of the Noverseats, "you're u good girl nnd I liko you. But 1 wish you wouldn't carry that." "That what, Billy f ashed his fiancee. "Mulll It's too suggestiro." Lawrence American. Of No Uho to II Im. Count Ofovitcliskf (handing brakemnn his copy of tho St. Petersburg Mail and Express) l'erhapski jou liko to lookovitch at that, my friendof. Brakemnn (glaucln? at it) Thanks, col onel, i don't rend music Puck. Not Much to Know. "Do you really think Gus knows his own mindl" "Of course ho does. Why!" "Oh, it's nil tho satno if ho does. I always said he didn't know much." Lowell Citizen. I'roof Positive. Hotel Guest Now you aro suro this bed is quito clean f Boll Boy Yw. sir, the sheet! were only washed this morning. Just feel 'em, tboy ain't dry yet. Ohio Statu Journal. r I'nriiliiK Ills Tee. Cora Oh, doctor, mamma scolded me for holding pins in my mouth. Is it really dan gerous f Sawbons No, my dear. It's only danger ous if you swallow them. Epoch, Hidden Tower. Your duurjbter doea Friend not look piny the strong. Father You should bear her platio. Chicago Times. A Pertinent Qnentlori. Young CJoslin Mr. ltoks, I with er that Is, I desire r tho hand of your daughter. Itoks What's tho matter with the rest of hert Judjjo. Other IdaiitlUrutlou Needed. "What nuaie, pltaMtM "Smith." "Dear mel How imlcfluitol" Lowell Cltl- MO. MWui!dertiMd, Impresario Do yo! sing ghMbnoteil Blgueru llarlcwotM.. No, tlrl IlvsrytUug In my ruppytory U dtd u-,Judo, l'i rmer TOASTMASTER HAKKEIL HE HAS HEARD MORE AFTER DINNER SPEECHES THAN ANY OTHER MAN. III Uemlimccnccs or ijiuiibuimiu union. Cliarlen Dlcltens Was Heady Speaker, llroticlit Out tlio I'rlnco of Walei-Bln-InC 5,000 IJortors. "Arc you still the city toastmasterr "No. 1 gave up my postsomo timengo; but 1 am the queen s baihir at the cen tral criminal court, and am ono of the oldest servants of the corjioration." "How many dinners liavo you put through in your olllcial capacity?" "Four thousand and ninety." "Most of the great speakers you havo heard take something to keep their voico in trim?" Well, Disraeli, for Instance, always had Ins butler behind hint with a bottl of egg and sherry, which he had ready mixed Mr. (Madstoue, I havo noticed, takes sherry, but no egg. Tho Prince of Wales, he "likes hock and champagne The Duke ol Edinburgh, his servant al ways brings his special brand with him a Russian champagne." ALL TIIK CUOWNED IIKAD9. Well. Mr. Barker, you havecertainly heard more after dhiner speeches than any man living. Will you oiler boiuo criticisms'" "Well. 1 suppose Charles Dickens was as ready a speaker as 1 ever heard. Tho words flowed out like a stream, but ho was not what I call a good after dinner speaker, because bp was so interesting that you wished he would go on forever. Now, that don't do for me, you know, for I have to stand by with tho watch." "The 'stop' watch, eh?" "Yes; I've stopped Mr. Gladstone be fore today." This in a confidential whis per. " "You don't say so." 'A fact. When ho is too long I havo spoken intohisear. 'T-i-m e, sirl t-i-m-e.' and then he slacks up. With ordinary men 1 say it to the 'chair,' not to let the room hear me. you know. 1 never stop a man at a charity dinner. It doesn't do." "Is the Prince of Wales a good speak- erf "A glorious fellow. If I had only a I sovereign in the world and ho wanted it. lie should have it. Why, 1 brought I him out in 'liU. and stood behind him many a time and oft. Docs lie speak from notes? Not in speaking of himself, I never. He has a slip of paper to show I the order of the toasts, that's all. What's his favorite dish? Well, ho likes I dainties on caisse. en papillot, larks, lob sters, oysters. He is very fond of those." I "Well. now. win) are the most famous 1 people you have attended?" Mr. Uarker looked hurt and his lingers fumbled irri ; tably with his white tie as he proceeded: "Why, nearly all the crowned heads in Europe. The queen, to begin with, j Then J brought out tlio Prince of Wales I in 1BUI), and all his brothersaiid his sons, ' the emperor of Austria, tho lato czar I and the present czar, the late Emperor Frederick, the Emperor Napoleon why, 1 remember swearing in the lateemperor of the French as a special juryman at the Old Bailey when he was nobody. Did he serve? Just like anybody else. Ho had to servo by the law of tho land. COACIIINO TIIK PRINCESS. "Then 1 claim to be the person who first induced the Princess of Wales to I make a speech in public. I was stand- ing behind' her. a good many years ago: j it was at a charity dinner or luncheon, I and her speech was going to bo read by I her secretary. 1 ventured to say: 'If your royal highness would only eay a i word yourself it would make all the I difference.' and she did. The Baroness Burdett-C'outts. too. .1 induced to speak when sheoMied (Columbia market." "Well, you heard about your successor who coulda t pionounce Massachusetts? What is the most difficult numo you ever had to tackle?" "The Madagascar envoy's. They wcro cautions. liianilriaiidrianivo.' as near as I can remember it." said Mr. Ilar ker. "Uain and ram and dry again,' as Punch called it The biggest number I think I ever did was fi.000 foreign doc tors who dined at the (luildhall. and they said 1 didn't make one mistake." "What preparation had you for your onerous duties?" "In 1841 1 shipped with Sir John Ross for tho Antarctic expedition. Wo win tered twice in 70 degs. south, then wo went to China, Australia. New Zealand. Tasmania, getting remounts for tho regi ments engaged in the Indian mutiny. I had joined the commissariat then. I came homo in the lifties, and serred through .ho Crimean war." "Any wounds?" "A bullet in my leg, a gun carriage crushed my ribs, and a slico of my chin cut olT with a saber. Pretty tough, cli: I have twenty-six medals and orders, and my collection of autographs is not to bo beaten. 1 think, for I havo COO cabinet lortraits of all tho famous men and wo men for thirty years past, with auto graphs attached." "By tho way. what tiro your fees?" "Two guineas for a city dinner and tc guineas if I travel." "And your uniform?" "Well, evening dress as often as not now. In tlio good old days 1 woro n beautiful velvet dress, with kneo breeches and silver decorations, which cost 200. But tho city can't spend money liko they used to do. They aro watched by tho newspapers." Pall Mall Gazette. Some Curious MUiiomcrs. Arabic llgures woro invented hv tlm Indians, not by tho Arabs. Dutch clocks aro not of Dutch, German (doutsch) manufacture, Irish 6tow U a dish unknown in but Ire- land. Baffin's bay Is no bay nt all. Catgut is tho gut of sheep, not of cats. Down is used instoad of a-down and utterly perverts its moaning. Tho Saxon dun is a hill, and a-dun is its opposite, ii descent. Going down btalrs really moans going up stairs. 0 ought properly to y "going aKlown." Detroit Freo Press. .ut
