it
LULLAUY.
Clom rour eyelid tmlij; darlin,
I Jlitt HOl'l I'llMlllH oil Khltti of UlUOt
All unseen Kit' holy aiceW
Kivptlifjr wateh. d:if overycu.
lb III eon:!i lu imiJimi sjiletidor
filllltR. 111 last, lilt-KIIIIIIlll-l Hlltli
"While tlje twilight. Mifuiud leader,
Tells tin- day I dime'
XulJatiy' sleep uml rest.
lrndled oa t.il faitnful lin-ant!
Safe fnmi llle's norm i. (letve and wild,
Sloepand rest, my little, cutldl
til'Jtllber!
Lullattyt
XJke a bird. Unit, tiivd of roaming,
ijeek cl eve its don ny nest.
Go ny Mrdliti. in tliu gloaming,
Uwwtl.v sleep. uon my broaotl '
"OS to dream I.. .id luhys ptltis
'ilucilxT'H Bllken iuIU unfurled
" While night iniis are softly blowing
OVr the silent world!
Xullnby' Sleep nml riiat,
"Cradled on this faithful hreaUl
Bafe fii.n lifo'H storms. Ilerco and wild,
Bleep and rust, my littlo child!
BIuiiiImt!
Lullaby!
Eva Utvt In Detroit Froo Prcas.
IN' TWO IIALVKS.
THE nnsT HALF.
"Wet nnd dreary. It la midwinter; the.
evxuo is Ivirklington, on the London and
Northwestern; the time quarter to 11;
Just after the night mail had flashed
(through witliout stopping Ixmnd for
Liverpool nnd (he north. The railway
olBcixds tiii; collecting, preparatory to
going off duty for the night.
"Where's Lan?"iisked oneof tlio crowd
upon the platform.
inw nun in llie lint just niter tho
quarter to 1 1 went through,
Can't liavo
conic to any liarni, surely?
"No; he said he'd soon something drop
rom the train, and ho went down tho
Sine to pick it up."
And Dan had picked up something.
5t was a basket, a common white wicker
basket, with a lid fastened down by a
string. What did it contain? Dirty
clothes? What?
I
half a dozen weeks
A baby a child
old, no more
"Where did you comoacros3it?" asked
one.
"Lying on tho line, just whero it fell.
IPcrhapu it didn't fall, perhaps it was
-chucked out. What matter? I've got
it, and got to look after it, that's enough
tor me!"
Tho little tnite'o linen was whito and
of line material, but lay upon an old
shawl and n few bits of dirty llanncl. 1
-All they found was a dilapidated purse, '
at common snap bag purso of faded
4rown leather. Innido was a brass thim-1
Wo, a pawn ticket and tho half of a Bank
of .England note of 100.
A new pareon Harrold TrcfTry
-had
come lately to lurlrlington.
5Ie id now paying a round of parochial
"visits, nivoiupanied by nn old college
"cIvcvh, who id spending Christmas with
liim.
"Yonder." said Treffry, pointing to a
"thin thread of smoke which roso from
some .gaunt trees into tho- sullen wintry
-airT "yonder is the house if, indeed, it
tlrv: no grand a mime tho hovel,
rather, of one whose case is the- hardest
o all tho hard ones in my parish. This
cnan to u mere hedger and ditcher, one
who world .lor any master, most often
for the railway, but who i.i never certain
of a job all the year around. Ho has a
ewurm of young children, and has just
iost hi i wife, lie to absolutely prostrated;
sujhnst probably at his utter incapacity
to do his duty by his motherless littlo
ones. I wonder whether you could rouso
Mm. If you could only get him to mako
sign, or cry, or laugh, or to tako tho
ni;Ule.4 i iterest in common affairs.
Jack-, I believe you're tho very man.
Vou might get at him through tho chil
dren that inarviloiu hanky pauky of
yours, those t;urpri'ii:v; tricks; a child
takes to you naturally ;.t once. Try and
ia.Ue friends with I'r'o. Perhaps when
tho father Been tn i interested and
amused ho may wrni a little, upenk,
perlinps approve, porliap-i smile, ami in
the end givo in. Jack, u ill you try?
Jack ivewbiggtu was by profusion a
conveyancer, but n-'.uro had intended
liim lor a new Houuin, or a wizard of
iUms north. He wn.i more than half a
'troretiiionr.l by tho time ho wa3 full
cgrown. In addition totheiuiek eye and
tho facile wrist ho had tho rarer gifts of
41ns euave manner and tho faco of brass.
JEro had even studied mesmerism and
clairvoyance, and could uon occasion
surprise Ins amiienco considerably uy ins
gowcr.
They entered the misemblo dwelling
together. The children eiht of them
were all tirmishing over the floor,
except one, n child of (1 or 7, a bright
e-jed, exceedingly beautiful boy. tho
least wore not nature's vagaries well
known likely to be born among and be
long to such tiumnmdings, who stood bo
tween the legs of tho man himself, who
had his b.iek to tho visitors, and was
:nnchtiig low over tho scanty (Iro.
Tho ni.ui tuniixl his bend for a mo
ment, gave a blank utare, then an im
perceptible nod rial onco nioro ho glow
ered uown upon the lire.
"Here, little ones, do you sco thto
gentleman'? He's a conjuror. Know
wlint a conjuror i J, Tonunv?" catching up
. nilto of ! or 0 from tho ltoor. "No, not
3rou; nor you, Sarah; nor you, Jnkoy"
and ho ran through all their names.
I'lwiv lifiil linvv ii.mqiwI tlinlr v?iiTilw-t1a
and wcro staring lumLnt their viuitoru '
tlw tnomet
inent was propitious; Jack New-,
bifrpiii ho'nin. He bail forttmutolv tilled
Ma pockets with mils, oranges ami cakes
iwforo leaving tho arsonngc, to ho had
lialf his npimmtus ready in hand.
Tho pretty lxv hud very uoou left tho
father at thu fire and had come over to
join in tho fun, c"ig kick, however, to
cjdiibit his chare of thosoil and describe
voluminously what had occurred. This
aud tho repeated bhoutti of laughter
seemed to produce some impression on!
Aim. I'ixomiy no looted over ms,
vbouldcr
Uiid tiaid but without run
aualion:
"It is very cood of you, uir, eurcly;
Tery gootl tor you to talio no tindly to , lielal means.
the littlo chicks. It ftoea them good to. "'IVy him, Sir Lewis; try hitnyour
iauch a hit, hut it urn t much as thoy'vo self," crlod tseverr.1 voicca.
&ad to mako 'em lately." "1 scarcely liko to lend niyoelf to such
"It Is good for nil of us now and again, ' folly or cucourauJ to pltiibio an oshlbl
I take it, said Jack, 0. sl6ting and going i tiou."
towards him. tho children gradually col-, But ho pecmed to lo conscious tlintfur
Zacthig hi u Car oil comer and coin paring ther protcot would bo in Jack's favor, so
vaotea. j ho said, "Can you tell what 1 havo in
"You can't laugh, cir, If your heart'u this ocket'r" lio touched tho left breast
Heavy; u you tio it can bo only a eiuuu.
Wliilo hu wan caking Im liud taken ,
tkaBiblo from tho thclfVcnd lYsuruws'
iik Beat began to turn tho leaves over. ,
"I'm nn untaught, rough countryman,
dr, but 1 havo he.trd tell tliat tluw
tKrongo things you do aro only trickuj
ciiu't it HOT' I
Ilcra was Indixxl a hopeful e ymptom. j
'& won rourtod then to UiLo soma latercvt
w wlwt had ocvunvd,
"All trick, of course, it all cotnes of
prin t ice." a id Jack, as he proceeded to
explain some of the simiilc processes,
hoping to encliai:) the man h attention.
"ThatV what 1 thought, sir. or I'd
liave given you u joh to do. I'vo lieen in
want of a real conjuror manvn. long dav,
anil nothing less' 11 do. !Ve here. sir" fv
i;:iid. us he tool; a small, carefully folded
paper from between the leaved of im
Bilile. "do oll see tills?"
It wan half a Hani; of England rvt
K.O.
"How. sir, could any conjuror laij.
to the other haKV"
"How did you come by it" asked Jat '
at once.
"I'll tell you, sir: Hhort as I can make
it. Conjuror h no conjuror, yoifvo got
u kindly heart, nnd I'm main sure that
you'll help if you can."
Dan then described how he had picked
up the basket from I he 10:45 Liverpool
express.
"There was the linen; I've kept it. See
here: all marked finite pretty and pro
per, with lace round the edges, as though
i itu mother loved to mako the little one
j Kinnrt."
Jack examined tun linen; it bore a
monogram and crest. The first he mado
out to mean 11. L. M., nnd the crest was
plainly two hammers crossed, and tho
I motto, "I striko" not a common crest
and ho never remembered to havo seen
it before.
And was that all?
"'Cent tho hank note. That was in a
poor old purse with a pawn ticket and a
thimble. I kept them all."
Like a truo detective Jack examined
every article minutely. The pureo bore
the naino Hester (Jorrigan. La rudo let
ters inside, and the pawn ticket was
out in the same name.
TIIK BKCO.Vt) HALF.
I When Jack Newbiggin got back to tho
parsonage he found that his host had ac
cepted an invitation for them both to
, dino at tho "big house," as it was called,
the country seat of tho wpiiro of tho
parish.
"I havo been lighting vour battles nlJ
day," began Mrs. Sitwell, the hostess,
when seated at dinner next to Jack,
"Was it necessary? 1 should liavo
thought myself too inuigniflcaut."
liiey were talking at lunch of your
wonderful tricks in conjuring,' and ono
said that tho skill might prove inconven
ient when you played cards, for in
stance." "A charitable imputation; with whom
did it originate'?'1
"Kir Lewis Mallaby."
"Please point liim out to mo."
lie was shown a grave, scowling faco
upon tho right of the hostess a faco liko
a mask, tho surface rough and wrinkled,
through which tho eyes shone with
baleful light, liko eonwo candles. in u
seiiulchcr.
Jack let his comjwnion chatter on. It
wan his habit to get all tho information
possible about any company in which ho
found himsolf, for his own purpose as a
clairvoyant, and when Iilrs. Sitwell
Hugged ho plied her with artless ques
tions, and led her on from one iwrson to
iiuoiiitT, malting iiHMiuu nuics iu nervu
.1 I.! ...I ..... A I
him hereafter. It is thu.i by careful and
lalKirioua preparations thr.t many of tho
strange and seemingly mysterious feats
of the clairvoyant conjuror aro per
formed. When tho whole party were assembled
in the drawing room after dinner u
chorus of voices, headed by that of tho
hostcui, summoned Jack to his work.
There appeared to he only one dissen
tient, Sir Lewis Mallaby, who not only
did not trouble himttlf to back up tho
invitation, but when tho performance
was actually begun was at no paiiw to
conceal Inn contempt and digust.
The conjurer made tho conventional
plum pudding in a hat, lired wedding
rings into quartern loavej, did all man
ner of card tricks, knifo tricks, pistol
tricks, and juggled on conscientiously
right through his repertory. Theio was
never a smile on Sir lxwis' faco; ho
sneered unmistakably. I inally, with an
ostentation that savored of rudeness, ho
took out his w.teh, a great gold rojicatcr,
looked at it, a;;d unmLtakubly yawned.
Ji:ck hungered for that watch di
rectly ho isiw it. Perhaps through it ho
j might make its owner uncomfortable, if
, only for a moment. Dut how to get it
; into his hnudu? lie asked torn watch
a dozen were oiFeivd. No. none of theso
I would do. It utiu;t bo a good watch a
' repeater.
Sir Lewis Mallaby'a wns tho only ono
in tho room, and ho at ttrt,t distinctly rc
j fused to lend it. Hut u many earnest
entreaties were addreascd to him, the
. lio.it ens leading the attack, that ho could
not in common courtesy continue to ro
fuse. With something like a growl ho took
hu watch oft tho chain and handed it to
j Jack Newbiggin.
i A curious, old fashioned watch it was,
which would have gladdened the heart
of a watch collector all jeweled and
enameled, adorned with crest and in
Kcrintion an heirloom, which lind pro
bably been in the Mallaby family for
years. Jack looked it over curiously,
meditatively; then, liuddenly raising lito
eyes, ho stared intently into Sir Lbwto
Mallahy's faco and almost na quickly
dropped them again.
,vrhis is far too valuable," ho said cour
teously, "too much of a treasure, to bo
risked in any conjuring trick. An ordi
nary modern watch 1 might replace, but
uot a work of urt liko this."
And ho handed it back to Sir Lowia,
who received it with ill concealed tatia-
faction.
llo wr.a an much pleased, prol-
ably, in
failure in tho proved ulcL- as ct tho re
covery of his pio'ierty.
Another watch, however, wan pounded
into a jolly and brought out wliolo from
u cabinet m un adjoining room.
"Oh, but it Is too proixjstcrous," Gir
Lewis Jlallaby was heard to cay, quito
angrily. Vho continued npplauco pro-
foundly disgutcd liim. "lhis Li tho
merest charlatanism. It must bo put an
end to. it la the commonest Aruposture.
tneso aro tmng waun no naa coaciieo
up in advance. lct liim bo tried with
something xt hlcli ttiKin tho frxo of it ho
cannot havo lixmicu bcforeliaud by art!
oi ma coat.
A ixxiketbook."
"Bald Every ono carries n rtocL'ctbool:
in his pocket."
"But do your lukod several of tlio by
etnndera, all of whom wcro growing
deeply Intercstod In tbU ntmugo dual.
thr Luwis Mallaby confr&cd that ho
did, and nroducod it un ordinary mo
rocco leather purto und jtockct book, ull
in
one,
.;M1KaM'JdlI",
"Certainly.
"What iloesthIs pockctbook contain?"
"Evidence."
"Evidence of what?"
"Of fne t that must, sooner or later,
"omc to light."
"What ridiculous nonsense! I givo
yru my word that this fjocket liool; con-
Homing nosoiuteiy notinng nut
U 11 mk of England note for 100."
".itayl" uaitf Jack Newbiggin, facing
' im abruptly, and speaking In a voice of
thunder. "It is not eo you know it it
if only the half!"
And as he soke he took the pocket
look from the hands of the really stupi
lied baronet, and exhibited, for inspec
tionthe half of a Dank of England noto
for 100.
There was much npplausc at this harm
less and successful denouement of what
threatened at one stage to lead to niter
cation, perhaps to a (jimrrcl. IJut Jack
Newbiggin was not satislicd.
"As you have dared me to do my
worst," said he. "listen now to what I
havetoBjiy. Not only did 1 know that
was only ilv half of a note, but 1 know
where the other half is to lie found. I
"Ko muclLthe lctter for me," said tho
baronet, with an effort to appear humor
ous. "That other half was given to shall I
say, bir lewis?
Sir lowis nodded indifferently.
"It was given to one Hester Corrigan,
an old nurse, six years ago."
"Silence! Say no more," cried Sir
Lewis in horror.
Sir Lowi:t had been a younger son; tho
eldest inherited tho futility title, but died
early, leaving his widow to givo him a
Iostluimoiis heir, the title remaining in
abeyance until time showed whether the
infant was a lioy or a girl. It proved to
lie a, boy, whereupon Ix'wis Mallaby, who
had tho first information of tlio fact, put
into execution a nefarious project which
he had carefully concocted in advance.
A girl was obtained in a foundling hos
pital and sulwtituted by Iuly Mallaby's
nurse, who was in Lewis' pay, for the
newly born son and heir. Tins eon and
heir was handed over to another accom
plice, Hester Corrigan, who was bribed
with 100, half down, in tho shape of a
half note, the other half to Ikj paid when
she announced her safe arrival in. Texas
with tho stolen child. It occurred 'to
Mrs. Corrigan in her transit lietween
London and Liverpool that though 100
would be acceptable on her arrival, the
child would be only an encumbrance.
She therefore threw the basket contain
ing him out of the window, forgetting
that in it she had for safety deposited lier
purse. i
It was the watch borrowed from Sir'
Lewis Mallaby which first aroused Jack's
suspicions. It Inire tho sanio crest two
hammers crossed, witli tiro motto, "I '
btriko" which wns marked upon tlio ,
linen of the child that Dan Blockitt i
up at Ivirklington stntion. 'the
initial of tho naino Mallaby coincided
with tho monogram II. L. M. From these
facts and what we had I icon told by Mrs.
Sitwell, Jack rapidly drew his cbnclu-
. . .
fiioilS, 1111(1 IlKHlO a
ikiki snot, wmcn mi
the mark, as wo havo seen
Iowis Mallaby's confession, combined
with Unit of Mrs. Corrigan, who was
found by tho police, soon reinstated tlio
rightful heir, and Dan Blockitt in after
years had no reason to regret tho gener
osity which had prompted him to givo
the little foundling the shelter of his rude
home. London Tid-Bits.
Iximlon's flrowth of Population.
When the population of England in
1801 was under 11,000,000 that of London
was 058,15611. Tho capital und tho king
dom havo grown together, but tho for
mer has always grown faster, so that
whilo England (including London)
mounted from nearly 0,000.000 in 1801 to
nearly 20,000,000 in 1881, London grew
lroui iMS.Sua to u,8iu..i;j m 1B81. Lon-
don more than quadrupled its people,
whilo Entrland (mcludimr London) did
not nuito triple ii; England (excluding !
ixmuon) nuvuneeu in a still smaller pro
portion, and it will bo Been that England,
excluding all its big towns, exhibits a
still feebler advance.
But noto this point about London: its
limits increase. If we had a series of
maps shaded so as to show the iopula
tion we should see tho black central spot
of Loudon getting bigger and bigger
tho wen which Cobbelt detested ami de
nounced growing more and nioro por
tentous in size, but though tho biack
sjiot grew bigger, yet its center grew
lighter and lighter; and by tho center is
not meant that strictly limited area
called tho city, but something nioro liko
what Ixindon was when the century be
gan. Take, in fact, the area occupied
i -". i .. r." r .' i
tuted tho population of London m 1801, i
and fewer persons will be found Hying
upon it, while around it lies a widening
uy tno macs ci uioso uotf.&uii who consti
ring, growuig ulacker as tho center
whitens. While, however, London has
grown so enormously in population and
in so great a proportion compared with
tho rest of tho kingdom, its rato of
increase lain not been at all commcn
Btirato with that of mtuiy provincial
towns, nor has it been equal to that of
tho towns of England asu wholo. Kino
toenth Ckiutury.
Dir. Antor'a IlxjMtustTo Vocht.
Within a stono's throw of a South
Brooklyn pier recently wcro fifteen
yachts, sloops and echconers, littlo nnd
Lie;. Thev renresontod Sl.000.000 of enni-
tab The htgliest priced was Mr. Astor's
l,!..fl"'t .t l.....l... X'.... 1 1 I
big 273 feet long steam yacht Nounuahal,
v.'lilcii lav looming up liko nn ocean
steamer. Tlio Nourmahal cost $300,000,
and Mr. William Astor, her owner, uses
her for about threo months in the yean
tho other nine months sho Ilea idle. Tho
cjcpen&o of running this leviathan toy is
0,000 per month. By tho uccessary cs
IHmso d meant the uo6t of fuel and tho
wages and keep of her crev. Wliat Mr.
Astor eponds Li ent:it,.hi!:vyU3, etc., on
board, of couruo nobody luiowo but him
self. Tho oxponRo, thcrcforo, of Looping tho
Nourmahal for u ).-ui; outside of her
owner's jorso:u;l o:;penditarea,is: Interest
on money invested, 518,000; expenses for
timo elio is in coiiMuission, 18,000; ro
ixiim, etc., cac'a li'riug, about $5,000;
total. 11,000. F..ia theso llgures it
would bo easy t j en.auato how much tho
yacht would cos.: to Loop tshould 6ho lo
in coinmibiilja I La year round. About
100,000 u y.ai' . ould j"-t about cover it.
Even Mr. Aau :, v. i Ji ah hiu wealth, could
ccatxjclv ciToivl thli. raid so tho Notir-
tuahal licw tul-j u-otut of tho tiuu Brook
lyn Iiasle.
Tlio Cnlvarniil Boltcut.
' Tact Id tho uuironwl eolvont. nut it
h u c'ft, liko ertraordinary moniory, or
a esuuitlvo mi'Jtical oar, or u qulok and
truo cyo for oolur. VVMtlwut it tlioio is
no maftic of itKUitwr, U:t with it a ohnrin
lug iHii'eoaalUy b triunipluuit.-iinariwr'
Magashic.
. the tukkisii bath.
-
AN
INSTITUTION THAT IS POPU
LAR WITH THE LADIES.
Women Who DbiIio to Increase Tlirlr
Weight, and Other Vt'lio Do tho Same j
to Mako TIiciimcIk'K Tlilmiei l-iidli-i1 j
Duy at a St. UmiIk Itutli Hume. j
While St. Louis cannot boast of any I
Turkish bath houses marked by Parisian
or even Levantine luxury and elegance
us to fittings and conveniences, she can
claim to have a large contingent of fresh J
looking, handsome women wjio give full
credit to tho beautifying influence of '
regular Turkish baths All the public i
Turkish baths have "Ladies' Days." and
tho register of the leading establishment
yields on inspection a long list of names
of ladies prominent in society, in the
schools, in the churches in all the sets
and circles of the Ixxly social of our city
On 'Ladies' Days" this bath house can
hardly accommodate the crowds of
maids, matrons, children and school
girts that are its regular customers.
HAVK TtlKIlt ItKOCI.AIt DAYS.
The visitor as well as the attendants at
the hath house soon learn to look for cer
tain classes on the same clays of each sue-
cessive week. Those who come by order
of their physicians, or for some special
physical ailment, aro generally pr:nptly
on hand Tuesday: society women who
come to recuperate their expended
strength and for beauty baths, favor
Thursday as the off day of their week,
when tho gayeties pause for breath and
one is less likely to "miss something" on
that day. Saturday is the teachers' day.
when they may stop to shed the dead
skin of their sK'nt forces and relax the
taut muscles of discipline on the slab
where the spray soothingly falls on the
just and the unjust alike, for most often,
too. some of their recalcitrant pupils
conio in gay. noisy little shoals and mnke
thecorridors ring with their laughter and j
little screams of merriment. '
The faith of many women in the vir- i
tucs of tho Turkish batli is limitless. I
Those who are too thin believe that they i
will attain the plumpness of their stand
ard of perfection by continuing tho
baths. Those who groan with llesh think '
the bathing and the rubbing will make j
the burden roll away; those whoso com-
plexionsare too palo or too sallow seek ,
there color and clearness. The pimpled j
faco expects to grow smooth, the flushed !
faco pale in sooth, they think the Turk-
ish bath tho real fountain of eternal
youth and beauty. Women as ugly and
old as the Witch of Endor have parboiled j
themselves until the sup of life has left
their skins like parchment, and. they
have finally dried up and blown away
on the way from their tri-weekly trips
to the Turkish baths, .where they hoped
to grow fat, fair, and 40 nt least, when
scragginess and the seventies had seized
them ten years before.
One entire fat family of social as well
as personal magnitude in this city never
fails to send its ampin supply of daugh
ters for ii douche anil a pounding every
Thursday: but pounding only seems to
make them more pulpy. Then there aro
threo thin sisters who go to gain sym
metry; and three other sisters who havo
tho natural rotundity and rosiness of
stocky girls only one generation removed
from the farm life of their mother's pa
rental precincts, go for well, for what?
Perhaps to get elongated; perhaps to ac-
'"Iru ""'f "'''eii.uo..-.mv
,mHWS for "hat-perhaps only for the
I I'wl .l .,; .i I
fun t- Then there conies a tall gtrl
neither too thick nor too thin, too rosy
nor too pale, and. as is natural, sho in
clines to the stout, short girls, and they
compare notes on tho advantages of
Turkish baths.
soundino Tim man alauu.
The mother of nine children, whoso
friends tell her sho "doesn't look a day
older" (than whom or when?), conies reg
ularly, and says, "it's tlio Turkish bath
does it." The phrase may bo a littlo
promiscuous, but it seems to be under
stood by her friends and fellow bathers.
After her will come a beautiful matron
of ten years' standing, who never hail
any children, and her acquaintances will
t "cr sho never looked so lieautiltil
,i ,,,. ,i ..,..., i. i,.. fi,
a,ul .6ton"' aml oongratulato her on tho
6i" tunes sho has going around the
tell her sho never looked so beautiful
world and having no children to iceop
her nt home, and wind up by saying she
looks younger than ever, and sho says, it
is all the Turkish bath.
Then a widely known teacher, wise
and learned, will Iks heard tolling a pale
littlo Dante woman that nothing so helps
to clear the brain and put spring into the
vertebra and mako keen tho nerves,
which, tinclogged, aid all tho faculties
to digest tho learned dissertations of the
doctors now oxH)unding doctrincsof tho
ilesh and the devil as given forth by
(loethoat the guild rooms of St. George's,
as u thorough massage of tlio physical
woman,
A suffragist, tossing wildly on a hard
couch near by, from which 6ho can seo
tho clock, whoso warning hour hand
stands nt half-Kist 1'J, notes tho fact that
"wo must all bo getting ot of hero pretty
soon for those selfish men, who want tho
place at 1 o'clock. When women can
voto we'll change all this." "I hope you
won't vote to let tho men in during the
women's hours." exclaimed tho horrified
woman of calculus and belles lettres.
"Nol wait till I get my corsets on." cries
a beauty from her dressing room who
hast only heard "men" mentioned, and
sho immediately applies tho rabbit's foot
to her cheeks, ties down her laco veil and
goes out with a last injunction to her
liather to "tako cam of my terry blanket
nnd things" and with her faco toward
tho door to get tho tirst glimpso of any
of those horrid men" who may bo com
ing, sho looks over tho register as sho
signs her nntno and reads therein a list
of tho Iwst known namoo In tho city.
St, Louis nblic.
Thoro ban boon begun iu Paris a cam
pfilgn agRlUM trained nuwos, and a ro
tiirn to lh oiil tem of nuislug by SU
trs of Charity Ium boon strongly adro
otitwl. It UftUeged that the mortnllty.
In IiojuIuIm ttt I ir own. highir elneo
thu IntiuJuloti of trahiod nurses,
I
III Reform Knvr I'.rnlbt.
"Snmnntlia, I wish I could break myself of
this ftlaVi.th habit of smnkingl" said Mr.
Chugwater, despairingly. "I'd give worlds
if I could doit!"
"Will you ba guided by my advico, Joslnhf"
nuked Mrs. Chuj;wuter.
"Whnt do you knotr ulxMit such things!"
Iiy demanded.
"Never mind what," she replied. "Will
you promto to do exactly what I prescriboi"
"For how longf"
"For about two weeks "
"Oh, yes," lio said, listlessly. "Go ahead
with your prescription."
Mrs. Chugwnter left the room nnd returned
in n moment with a Itox of tOO cigars.
"Josiuh,'' she said, tenderly, "I boujlit
these of n peddler for fifty rents, and I've
lieen saving them for yon. You will smoke
fourteen of them every duy till they are nil
gone." Chicago Tribune.
AVImt the I.iut Allmvid llltn.
A friend sends us tho following story which
may bo u little gray with the frost of time,
tliouj;!i uo do not recall seeing it in print.
Wo insert it, anyhow, with tho thought that
"there's nothing now under tho sun:" ,
A young gentleman and a young lady were
nttoudiug a wedding their own wedding, Iiy
tho way. After the ceremony was over tho
groom, in a business like manner, asked the
minister for a statement of account. The
parson told him tho law allowed him JO. Tim
, happy groom said, in u generous tone of
voice, handing him n fifty cent piece: "This,
' with what the law allows you, will make it
three dollars and a half." West Shore.
Tim Oar's Jiike.
The Cznrina O, my dearovitch, does it not
mako your her.rtovsky beat with pridesky t
think what a betiutifulovitch country our
oitn Russia is!
The Czar No, sweotesky, I do not lovesky
Russia. Would you know what I tiiiuksky
of it!
"Yes, my peUky. What do you think of
it!"
"It is a-bomb-inable!" Lawrence Ameri
can. A I'riidrut Hoy.
Mr. Jones Tommy, when your aunt comes
you must kis her and bo very polite.
Tommy No, pa, you jut but I ain't going
to kiss her.
Mr. .Irin us Why not!
Tommy (aged Great Scott! Don't you
ever rend the papers Half tho divorco suits
and shooting scrapes conio from men kissing
other men's wives. Texas Sittings.
A Woman's 'Wiiy.
Tailor Well. Jones, how did
liko tlio new clothes
your wifu
Jones Hho acted just as she did
wheu 1
first began to court her.
Tailor How was that? Laid her chock on
the lappels
Jones No; violently opposed my
Burlington Frou Press.
suit.-
Wamtnnu' Mliitake.
Farmer Woodson (who is near sighted)
UrIiI There goes ono of them sneakin' water
snakes. I reckon I'll fix tlio varmint
Cannl Boat Captain Hoy, you slim con
nected son of a Kim, what do you mean by
I cuttin' my towlino Munsoy's Weekly.
Of Couro Not.
Bilkin There, old fellow, cheer up! Never
mind if bho lias jilted you. Look around for
auothei. ftemeiiiber tliero aro plenty of good
flsh in tho sen yet.
Tompkins (dolefully) Yes; but, confound
it, I didn't want to marry a fish, you know.
Lawrence American.
Tim SllgS''stlVB.
"Mollyi" Said tho young nnd jiopulnr left
fielder of the Noverseats, "you're u good
girl nnd I liko you. But 1 wish you wouldn't
carry that."
"That what, Billy f ashed his fiancee.
"Mulll It's too suggestiro." Lawrence
American.
Of No Uho to II Im.
Count Ofovitcliskf (handing brakemnn his
copy of tho St. Petersburg Mail and Express)
l'erhapski jou liko to lookovitch at that,
my friendof.
Brakemnn (glaucln? at it) Thanks, col
onel, i don't rend music Puck.
Not Much to Know.
"Do you really think Gus knows his own
mindl"
"Of course ho does. Why!"
"Oh, it's nil tho satno if ho does. I always
said he didn't know much." Lowell Citizen.
I'roof Positive.
Hotel Guest Now you aro suro this bed is
quito clean f
Boll Boy Yw. sir, the sheet! were only
washed this morning. Just feel 'em, tboy
ain't dry yet. Ohio Statu Journal.
r
I'nriiliiK Ills Tee.
Cora Oh, doctor, mamma scolded me for
holding pins in my mouth. Is it really dan
gerous f
Sawbons No, my dear. It's only danger
ous if you swallow them. Epoch,
Hidden Tower.
Your duurjbter doea
Friend
not look
piny the
strong.
Father You should bear her
platio. Chicago Times.
A Pertinent Qnentlori.
Young CJoslin Mr. ltoks, I with er that
Is, I desire r tho hand of your daughter.
Itoks What's tho matter with the rest of
hert Judjjo.
Other IdaiitlUrutlou Needed.
"What nuaie, pltaMtM
"Smith."
"Dear mel How imlcfluitol" Lowell Cltl-
MO.
MWui!dertiMd,
Impresario Do yo! sing ghMbnoteil
Blgueru llarlcwotM.. No, tlrl IlvsrytUug
In my ruppytory U dtd u-,Judo,
l'i rmer
TOASTMASTER HAKKEIL
HE HAS HEARD MORE AFTER DINNER
SPEECHES THAN ANY OTHER MAN.
III Uemlimccnccs or ijiuiibuimiu union.
Cliarlen Dlcltens Was Heady Speaker,
llroticlit Out tlio I'rlnco of Walei-Bln-InC
5,000 IJortors.
"Arc you still the city toastmasterr
"No. 1 gave up my postsomo timengo;
but 1 am the queen s baihir at the cen
tral criminal court, and am ono of the
oldest servants of the corjioration."
"How many dinners liavo you put
through in your olllcial capacity?"
"Four thousand and ninety."
"Most of the great speakers you havo
heard take something to keep their voico
in trim?"
Well, Disraeli, for Instance, always
had Ins butler behind hint with a bottl
of egg and sherry, which he had ready
mixed Mr. (Madstoue, I havo noticed,
takes sherry, but no egg. Tho Prince of
Wales, he "likes hock and champagne
The Duke ol Edinburgh, his servant al
ways brings his special brand with him
a Russian champagne."
ALL TIIK CUOWNED IIKAD9.
Well. Mr. Barker, you havecertainly
heard more after dhiner speeches than
any man living. Will you oiler boiuo
criticisms'"
"Well. 1 suppose Charles Dickens was
as ready a speaker as 1 ever heard. Tho
words flowed out like a stream, but ho
was not what I call a good after dinner
speaker, because bp was so interesting
that you wished he would go on forever.
Now, that don't do for me, you know,
for I have to stand by with tho watch."
"The 'stop' watch, eh?"
"Yes; I've stopped Mr. Gladstone be
fore today." This in a confidential whis
per. "
"You don't say so."
'A fact. When ho is too long I havo
spoken intohisear. 'T-i-m e, sirl t-i-m-e.'
and then he slacks up. With ordinary
men 1 say it to the 'chair,' not to let the
room hear me. you know. 1 never stop
a man at a charity dinner. It doesn't
do."
"Is the Prince of Wales a good speak-
erf
"A glorious fellow. If I had only a
I sovereign in the world and ho wanted
it. lie should have it. Why, 1 brought
I him out in 'liU. and stood behind him
many a time and oft. Docs lie speak
from notes? Not in speaking of himself,
I never. He has a slip of paper to show
I the order of the toasts, that's all.
What's his favorite dish? Well, ho likes
I dainties on caisse. en papillot, larks, lob
sters, oysters. He is very fond of those."
I "Well. now. win) are the most famous
1 people you have attended?" Mr. Uarker
looked hurt and his lingers fumbled irri
; tably with his white tie as he proceeded:
"Why, nearly all the crowned heads
in Europe. The queen, to begin with,
j Then J brought out tlio Prince of Wales
I in 1BUI), and all his brothersaiid his sons,
' the emperor of Austria, tho lato czar
I and the present czar, the late Emperor
Frederick, the Emperor Napoleon why,
1 remember swearing in the lateemperor
of the French as a special juryman at
the Old Bailey when he was nobody.
Did he serve? Just like anybody else.
Ho had to servo by the law of tho land.
COACIIINO TIIK PRINCESS.
"Then 1 claim to be the person who
first induced the Princess of Wales to
I make a speech in public. I was stand-
ing behind' her. a good many years ago:
j it was at a charity dinner or luncheon,
I and her speech was going to bo read by
I her secretary. 1 ventured to say: 'If
your royal highness would only eay a
i word yourself it would make all the
I difference.' and she did. The Baroness
Burdett-C'outts. too. .1 induced to speak
when sheoMied (Columbia market."
"Well, you heard about your successor
who coulda t pionounce Massachusetts?
What is the most difficult numo you
ever had to tackle?"
"The Madagascar envoy's. They wcro
cautions. liianilriaiidrianivo.' as near
as I can remember it." said Mr. Ilar
ker. "Uain and ram and dry again,'
as Punch called it The biggest number
I think I ever did was fi.000 foreign doc
tors who dined at the (luildhall. and
they said 1 didn't make one mistake."
"What preparation had you for your
onerous duties?"
"In 1841 1 shipped with Sir John Ross
for tho Antarctic expedition. Wo win
tered twice in 70 degs. south, then wo
went to China, Australia. New Zealand.
Tasmania, getting remounts for tho regi
ments engaged in the Indian mutiny. I
had joined the commissariat then. I
came homo in the lifties, and serred
through .ho Crimean war."
"Any wounds?"
"A bullet in my leg, a gun carriage
crushed my ribs, and a slico of my chin
cut olT with a saber. Pretty tough, cli:
I have twenty-six medals and orders, and
my collection of autographs is not to bo
beaten. 1 think, for I havo COO cabinet
lortraits of all tho famous men and wo
men for thirty years past, with auto
graphs attached."
"By tho way. what tiro your fees?"
"Two guineas for a city dinner and tc
guineas if I travel."
"And your uniform?"
"Well, evening dress as often as not
now. In tlio good old days 1 woro n
beautiful velvet dress, with kneo breeches
and silver decorations, which cost 200.
But tho city can't spend money liko they
used to do. They aro watched by tho
newspapers." Pall Mall Gazette.
Some Curious MUiiomcrs.
Arabic llgures woro invented hv tlm
Indians, not by tho Arabs.
Dutch clocks aro not of Dutch,
German (doutsch) manufacture,
Irish 6tow U a dish unknown in
but
Ire-
land.
Baffin's bay Is no bay nt all.
Catgut is tho gut of sheep, not of cats.
Down is used instoad of a-down and
utterly perverts its moaning. Tho Saxon
dun is a hill, and a-dun is its opposite, ii
descent. Going down btalrs really moans
going up stairs. 0 ought properly to
y "going aKlown." Detroit Freo
Press.
.ut