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About The Oregon scout. (Union, Union County, Or.) 188?-1918 | View Entire Issue (Sept. 18, 1890)
t The Oregon Scout Jones & Chancey Publishers. UNION, OREGON. PITH AND POINT. -"Oh, mamma, won't vou plcaso'glvs io a pleco of that cake?" "No, my doar; it will mako you sick." "I don't want to cat It; 1 only want to mako omo sinkers for my flsh-lino." Oolden Jays. Heggs "I wonder why Mrs. Jaggs man t lot her husband employ a femalo 4pewrltor operator?" Foggs "Don't you know? She was his formor typo wrltor oporutor hersolf." Munsoy's vookly. Doctor "What Is your husband's omplalnt ma'am? Is It chronic?" Wlfo "Yes, sir. I have novor known -tiim to bo satisfied with a meal for tho ast thirty-flvo years." Hurlington Troo Tress. .... .- "Dear. I do wish I could think of omo way to mako tho congregation Jcoop tholr oyos on mo during tho ser mon." Llttlo Tommy "l'a, you want o put tho clock right bohlnd, tho pul pit." Tho Epoch. Miss Dobutanto "Woro you at tho Ujonos' rccoptlon, yosterday, Mr. lljon on?" Mr. Hjonson "Yes, I steppod in for a fow minutos, but thoro was such a lot of uninteresting girls thoro I soon loft Woro you there?" V i Young Husband "What! You are 4wonty-flvo yonrs old to-day? Why you old mo a year ago, just boforo tho wed ding, that you woro only twonty. " Young Wlfo (wearily) "I havo agod apidly slnco I married." Clork(in roady-mado cloth lng-storo) "Will you ploaso givo mo anliour off his afternoon, sir ?" Proprietor "'What do you want to got off for ?" Clerk "I want to go and buy a suit of JBlothos." Uoston Courier. 'V Hullo, Stlgglnsl I hardly knew you. Whon I last saw you you woro dy 4nff from slooplossness, and hero you re, fat and happy. What has cured jrou?" "Hoon appointed on tho police orco." Philadelphia Tlmos. Aunt Maria "Your husband sooms nusually amlablo and pleasant now,, dear." Kthol (recently married)!- "Well, yes. You see, I havo stopped " "Coing- to cooking school, and wo now -tiavo a cook." Harper's Iluzar. ' x First Citizon "I hoar tho Govorn nont has rojectod ono of the new cruis rs. What was tho mattor with It?' Second Citizen "I prosumo It hadn't enough spood to got away from a for eign battlo-shlp." N. Y. Weokly. Ilatcholl (to happy fathor) "Con gratulate you, old man. on tho new ar rival. Whom does ho look llko?" father (remembering tho visitors' com nents) "Ho looks llko all his rolatlvos en both sldos of tho family." Ux hango. Si Fond Mother "I havo called John- is a dozen times to como in and go on a orrand, but ho won't come. He is out thoro playing with ono of the neigh tier's children." Callor (meaningly) 'Ho won't como?" Fond Mother 'No, Those nolghbor childron ought to havo more respect for my fool lugs 4han to go on playing with him after ho lias boon called, and I shall send them liomo this Instant." N. Y. Wookly. - v REMARKABLE CAREER. An Aral) fouiiiUliiR Now it Colonel In the l'rnicli Army. Tho public has boon reading lately a If re at many dispatches from Franco and Africa giving the yrogross of tho war which tho Fronch Government has boon waging in Dahomey. IiFoutcnant Colonel Archlnard was the olllcor men tioned as being in command of tho I'ronch troops, who, although moroly a tiandful of some -100 or f00 cavalry, havo Inflicted great slaughter on their oppo nents, killing as many as 1,000 In a higlo engagement Thoro recently arrived In this city a young French olllcor who is an intimate friend of Colonel Archlnard and who elates tho following strange history of 4he dashing young Colonol's life: "About twonty-slx yoars ago, at tho tlsio Franco was ongagod in a sorles of -x?tty wars against tho nomad tribes In Algeria, and after ono of those engage ments, a certain Gaston Archlnard, then a Captain In a cavalry regiment, -was attending to tho removal of tho wreundod, when one of his men discov ered a llttlo Arab child who had evi dently been abandoned by Its parents 4a tholr flight, llolng a bachelor, and, liking tho bright. Intelligent look in ho llttlo fellow's face, the Captain do--lermlncd to adopt him and glvo htm tils name. Ho theroforo sent him to a lycoo or French school in Hordoaux, where tho lad was educated, and later, in 1876, tho Captain having risen to the ak of Itrlgadlor-Gonoral, ho caused lilm to bo enlisted as a pri vate In tho Seventh Hussars, un der his own name of Archlnard. Gaining rapid promotion he was soon ont to tho cavalry school at Saumar, from whence ho graduated in 188t, only ion yours ago, as u sub-Lloutonant of cavalry. He was then sent to Tunis and fought through tho campaign of 1883, and tho following your saw him oommunding n battalion In Touquln. In 1887 ho was sent to Senegal as a Major in tho famous regiment of Spuhls Kenogalals, which ho commanded as liioutonunt-Colonol in his lato aucoost y ,ful campaign In Dahomey. Although a r Turo-blooded Arab, with a thorough It'ronoh military education, Colonol Archlnard, it 1b whispered in promt Mont Parisian military clrolos, is next en tho list for promotion to tho coveted rank of General of a division of tho I'rench army, San Franolsoo Exami ne r. I'racllral Kronoiny, first Collegia ,0 What In tho world have you stopped smoking cigarettes ,nd started in on cigars for? Second Collegiate Oh, father made mo pro ml so to try to save money by swear lug off cigarettes, you kuow. Munsov's Weekly. . A RURAL ROMANCE. (SOMEWHAT IN TnK LINE OF U)HD TEN.NTSON'S PASTOIUI. POEMS, ONLY DtFFEIIE.VT.) Two honest husbandmen dwelt Ride by Ride In farms adjoining. Grubbs and Stubbs their names. Rough, homely names In sooth; but all they hod, And oft those names bad served them In good Rtcad When they had need of names to sign to notes Grubbs hod a son Kzcklcl tall and staunch As any rustic who wore pants In boots. And rose at four to milk his seven klne And seek for egglets In the hennery. Stubbs had no sons; a daughter only came To bjess her father's borne, to shed sunlight About Us roomtf and eke to do odd chores 'Twlxt meal times. She was fair to look upon As snowdrops blossoming In early spring. Her name was Mary Ann, a gentle name, And gently borne by her. Kzeklel saw And loved her, whom to see and love were one. The farms adjoined and were but kept apart Dy one plain picket fence of easy compass, Through which the faithful dog of Fa-mer Stubbs Did oft meander In the eventide To chase the dogs of worthy Farmer Grubbs. Thus was a feud begun between the twain; Hut Mary Ann and young Ezektel too Were not a part of the parental strife. Equal their fathers' lots; content were they To know that when some day the old men hopped The golden twig, the farms should be united, A goodly estate for a goodly pair. Hut one day came a shadow o'er their paths. A schemer Ir-in tho town Intruded on Tho peaceful .-online of the Grubbs estate, Looked here, dug there and sullied and snuffed about, Saying wlseacrcly, with shake of head: "There's oil t ion this lund, of that I'm sure. Oil that Is pe .t up In a mighty store. Dig, furmcr, and I"U warrant thee thou'lt find Illcbcs, the like which thou wotst not of." So ho departed. Then good Furmcr Grubbs Dtd bold his head aloft and blevutc Ills nose when neighbors passed, as who should say: "I shall be rich. There's oil on this, my land', And wealth Immense shall speedily be mine." So when Kzeklcl ciuno and softly said: "Father, I fain would wed with Mary Ann," Ho waxed full wroth, exclaiming In his wrath : "How now thou who, when wo have dug for oil, Shalt be a man of .rlchos; wl)t thou wed This beggar's brat, this pauper farmer's chlldf Gotol It fball not bo." And so the son Went sorrowlngly to tell his Mary Ann And break the match, explaining as he might That ho so rich mft look above poor her. Then there nus digging on the Grubbs estate, Digging In dny-tlme, boring In tho night For oil, rich oil, that was to make them rich. For days and weeks and months they dug and bored. What camo of'tf Nothing, nothing, ever nothing. Then camo tho city schemer, and ho looked About the placo exclaiming: "Marvelous I llehold the vein of oil that once lay hero Has vanlshod and has mudo Its oily way Heneath yon fence to Farmer Stubbs' estute. Hip is the oil well; yours tho memory oft." So saying he vanished, unci Ezckiel wept. 1 That night he hied him unto Mury Ann, And told her that his lovo hud never ceased, Hosought her take him back und let no oil, No sordid, oleaginous obsluele Disturb the dream, the golden dream of love. She said him nay and mocked him. So ho wont Kicking himself adown the dusty lane. Then Farmer Stubbs set cheerily to work, And In a fow weeks' tlmo struck oil right rich. A fortune rolled In and his wealth becamo So vast that all around murvelcd thereat. So Stubbs waxed wealthy, and so Mary Ann, Her father's heiress, grow accustomed to Kzeklcl's loss and married very noon A foreign nobleman with heavy bills Which Mary Ann's papa paid willingly. So read and learn that Wo can never tell Who that Is down to-day may not bo up To morrow, und who down that now Is up. Harry 11. Smith, In America. AN ACCEPTABLE OFFER. Story of an Old-Fashlouod Dona tion Party. S THIS all we've got for dinner?" said Leslie Hor nard, rather dolefully. "Isn't It enough?" retort ed Clara. Iter sis ter. T h o dining room 1 n Glen wood Parson -was unmlstt bly shabby. was bad onough whon tho Irion gloom of a rainy day concealed itssh comings in some degree Hut o clear, uncompromising August 11 llko this, the cruol sunshine rovoa each crack In tho celling, and ev worn spot in the carput like a magu Ing-glass. And really thoro was sotno occas for tho doleful look with which Lei regarded tho table. There was the trome shank bone .of a-ham boiled i rags, a fow slices of cold hoof, so baked potatoes, and a custard that cer tainly had not been rendered indigesti ble by too much richness of material. There wero tho remains of yesterday's stow, half a cold apple pie, and a plato of homo-mado pickles; and around this tnoal gathered four llttlo llernards, with ravenous eyes, while Harry, the oldest brother, who had been doing sotno amateur whlto-washlng, was malting a hasty toilet In the sink-room; and tho two grown slstors superintended tho banquet. Mr. Hcrnard was engaged in writing his noxt Sunday's sermon, and his wife I was at a neighbor s house, helping to nurso a cross old woman, who had worn out everybody's patlonco but her own. "Enough, I supposes" said Leslie, "but not very appetizing. Now, is It?" "Poor folks have no business to ox poot appetizing food," said Clara, short ly, "lu fact 1 don't think they havo any business to llvo at all. Davy, take your lingers out of tho sugar-bowl. Ida, alt up straight." "Why, Clara, what's tho mattor?" said Leslie, gently, moving tho bowl of sugar out of young David's roaoh, and helping to porpoudlcularlzo tho small Ida in her chair. "Ohl 1 don't know," ropllod Clara; "I'm cross." "No need to toll us that," observed Harry, seating himself. "It is one of tho very few facts patent to all observ ers. Whero Is fathor?" "It's that donation party," said Clara, with an impatient, backward toss of her auburn hair, "Eh?" said Harry. "I huto donation partlosl" cried out Clara, recklossly carving tho end of bain Into unctuous shaylng. "I think thoy'ro an Insult to poopls. So, theref Harry wmsticd; lcsiio smiiea; too children all stared. "If they want to do papa a favor." went on Clara, breathlessly, loading up the children's plates with all sorts of in congruous materials, "why don't thoy pay him his salary, instead of letting it rnn bohlnd? Why don't thoy repair this dismal hole of a parsonage, and stop tho church chimney from smoking, and do what thoy ought to do? Who wants Mrs. Hampton to bring us a chair tiay. ana tsquiro uamsoy to sort out an bis damaged beans fc)f bur benefit, and Annio Smith to work borriblo pen wipers for us? Wo'ro not objects of charity yet, aro we?" "Hush, Clara," soothed Leslie. I 'It's the custom, sis," said Harry. "I ! I can't say that I quite uphold it myself; but hush, hero comes father." ! Mr. Hcrnard was a mild old gontlo i man, with a bald head and spectacles, I who sat down to his meal in an absent , sort of way, as if his mind wero some- I what In Syro-Phcenicia. Tho children I 1 might easily havo continued their dis- 1 cussion and he would havo been none I J tho wUer. I J Clara Hcrnard was twenty years old. 1 Sho was not a beauty, nor was sho re- markably talented; but she had a round, 1 fresh face, with hazel eyes, and warm red-brown .hair; and there was a deal of ! common-senso in her make-up. Leslio was the family beauty a pink and white Dresden china little creature and Clara had it fully settled that Leslio was to mako a brilliant match, while she,. (Mara, was to settlo down Into tho monotony of old maidism. Hut there wore somo things that she would havo liked dlfforcnt, and tho coming donation party weighed vory heavily upon her soul. It was supposed to be a surprise to tho minister and his wife. Clara, Leslio and Harry had, however, been lot Into tho secret as a sort of nec essary preliminary. "I wish," said Leslio thoughtfully "that Mrs. Hays would think to glvo us a now sitting-room carpot Ours is worrt through to tho very boards of tho floor; and sho has just recarpeted her own house with real Hrussels." "Sho will glvo you a bunch of parjor rosos, you will see," scornfully retorted Clara. "Tho Hamptons aro rich," said Harry. "Llttlo mother would approclato a sew-lng-matiina from Mrs. Hampton, now wouldn's sho?" Clara shrugged hor shoulders. "I can. toll exactly what Mrs. Hamp ton moans to glvo us," said sho. "Ono of thosn book-marks that her grand daughter work'. or a splatter-worked tidy. Oh, Harry, If you only know how I hated ill this!" Toward dusk tho presonts began to como in. Mrs. White sont a jug of coal- oil, Dcar.on Jones brought a bag of wal nuts ("jist as If tho woods weren't full of thorn, ' said Clara, contemptuously). Minnlo Urown brought a chatr-ttdy, Miss Kt&or contributed a staring chromo, tho Widow .lackson a hag of rancid hen's feat her. 'i, Charllo Young a sotting of duck's (-ggs. It was planned to fill tho back kitchen with gifts of this nature, and to display them all at onco to the minister and his wife, as a "surprlso." "Sister," piped llttlo Ida, "horo's a chair from Mrs. Forrestl" Leslio groaned. "Its tho old chair that stood all last summor on hor porch," said sho. "Painted over and glued up. Hut It won't last a month." "Mrs. Forrest all over," said Clara. "At this rato wo shall bo rich." It was nearly dark whon Norman Arlington camo In. Clara was empty ing a paper of yeast cakos which old Mrs. Harrington had sont Old Mrs. Harrington had boon vory sick that summor, and both Mr. Hcrnard and his wlfo had kept many a faithful vigil "at hor sldo. Naturally, sho wished to show hor appreciation of all this. Yeast cakes wero a penny a pieco at tho vil lago store, and she had sont halt adozon .w.,w. 1 .1 it. .ti.nn .Jvloenian Arllng- 111, iag kn- I'ty in vou'n: mil NO TO I'AHTY IION'ATION boforo tho commotion began," said ho. Sho laughed scornfully. "Tho commotion Is hero now," said Clara. "Clara!" "Yos, Mr. Arlington." "Would you bo offended If I woro to offer you " "Yos, I would," broko out Clara, rod doning to tho very roots of hor hair. "I don't want It! It's an Insult! Carry It baok homo, whatever It is, and ploaso ploaso don't think that bocauso I havo tho misfortune to bo a minister's daugh ter, that" Norman's black oyos gllttorod, halt with fun, half with voxatlon. "Clara," said he, "you aro a llttla tlxen! Won't you hear mo out?'1 "Is It buokwhoat Hour?" said Clara, ledlgnautly eying tbo bag, "or la 11 ll.VVK A 1IKIIK." r. black-oycd beans? He can so wo'vo got a plenty of both, thank vou all thnRamo." I "Tho bag is not intended for you, 'said Norman. "It is on its war to Dr. I r a .... - lioimes, lull of castor beans. I couldn't put my offering Into a bag nor pack it in a dox. it's too big." "Nobody wants your offering," torted Clara. ro" Norman put the bag on a chair and took both Clara's llttlo hands In his. Are you quite sure of that?" said ho, j "Dear llttlo Clara, don't look so cross at mo. I camo hero to offer vou mvself. j and I don't proposo to go away until J you havo said either yes or no. I know j you aro cross; but I can't help risking it. Clara, 1 can't live any longor In I suspense. I lovo you in spite of all tho j scoldings you give mo, and I want to marry you. Come, Clara, is it yes or , no?" Clara blushed redder than any rose. . She made an instinctive movemont to slip out of tho room, but Norman In MT HIM I.V," IT.KAUEl) CI. A It A. tercepted her and placed his back com posedly against tho door. "No," said ho, "there's no escape for you until I got my answer." At that moment thoro camo a pro digious knocking at tho door. "It's Squiro Dixon," gasped Clara, "with a irallon can of korosono oil!" "I don't caro if it ts a cargo of dyna- mito!" said Jorman. "Is it yes?" "1 must lot him in," pleaded Clara. " "la it no?" "And thoro is Dr. Gibson's gig, with a bundle of broom-corn and a basket of Hubbard squashes Do lq.t jno.go, Nor man!" "Not ono stop, until my fato Is de cided!" Clara darted a shy glanco at him from under her long lashes. Apparent ly she was meditating a rebellion; but a second knocking of persistent knuckles at tho door decided the question. "Thoy will knock in the pinols!" said she. "Yes, Norman yes! Only let mo open tho door." Hut oven then Norman would not suffer hor to open tho door until ho had taken a very deliberate and satisfactory kiss. "You aro a llttlo darling." said ho. "And I know I should conquer you in time." The Squiro and tho doctor came In, but Norman had taken himself and his bag of castor beans oil through tho open window. "Any thing wrong with tho fasten ing o' this 'ero door?" said tho Squiro, gruflly. I "I I couldn't got tho barrol of apples out of tho way," said Clara, coloring j vory rod. Tho donation party camo triumphant ly off that night- Apples and salt pork, ' patch-work quilts and many tidies were Irocolved. Tho minister made a speech of thanks. Mrs. Hornard wondored how I much would bo loft of hor host china 'dishes and worn carpots boforo tho com 'pany was geno. Hut through it all :Clarasoomod to walk on rose-colored clouds. Nothing put hor out. All tho irritation was gono from hor heart; and Leslio, watching her with a smilo, said to hersolf: "Doar Clara, so it has como at last Tho onchanted prince has rid den up to the castlo gates and set hor froo. I am so glad!" Estki.i.a G. Moiutia. Medicine In Vegetables. Tho Now York Herald says tho fol lowing Information may bo usoful to somo, if not now to many: Spinach has a direct offcot upon tho kidneys. A common dandollon used as groons Is ex cellent for thosamo trouble Asparagus purgos tho blood. Colory acts admir ably upon tho nervous systom and is a euro for rheumatism and neuralgia. Tomatoes act upon tho llvor. Heots and turnips aro excellent appetizers. Lottucu and cucumbers aro cooling in tholr offoct upon tho systom. Onions, garlic, leoks, olivo and shallots, all of which aro similar, possess modlclnalvlr-I uio 01 a marxou cuarac.er, stimulating I tho circulatory systom, and the conse quent Increase in tho saliva and tho gastrio julco promoting digestion. Red onions aro an excollent diuretic, and 1 thq white ones are rocommondod to bo i eaton raw as a romody for insomnia. A 1 soup mado from onions is regarded by J tho Fronch as an oxcollont rostoratlvo in debility of tho digestlvo organs. 1 The Number of Our Anresturn. To ono who has not thought upon the subject, it is qulto inconcoivablo how ' rapidly a person's llnoal ancestors mul- I ' tlply ovory generation ho carries back tho calculation. If ono is asked how j 'many groat-groat-grandfathors ho had, , 'ho will, In all likelihood answer: "two," whilo in reality bo had fight. If thoro , havo boon no intermarriages of rela- tlons among his ancestors. In fact, tho numbor of male ancestors doubles ovory generation. Thus, ovory ono has , had two grandfathers, four groat-grand-fathors, eight great-great-grandfathors, 1 six toon groat-groat-groat-grandfathorsj and fifteen generations back, ho had no less than sixteen thousand threo bun- 1 dred and eighty-four lineal male an- 1 cos tors. N. Y. Ledger. A 1'uylnc I'rnfesalon. Mr. Million Humph! Want to marry my daughter? Nowspapor roportor, I understand, novor hoard of a nows papor roportor getting rich. Mr. Qulokpen Ohl I havo. I know of a dozen who havo marrlod holrouaa. N. Y. Wookly. I I 4a1. "-" p " " "l Ml'HT AN INSULTER OF TRADE. flow He Abused the Confidence of a Colored Dealer In Fish. A negro bad a number of fish exposed for sale on a tablo placed near the edge of tho sidewalk. A white man came along and, bending over, began to sniff and snort "Whut's do matter wld you?" tho ne gro asked. "Nothing; I was only smelling of these fish." "Whut you want to como, roun' yoro smellin' o' 'em fur? Da ain't yo' proper ty. Is it tho right thing to do, goln roun'de neighborhood a-smcllln' o' udder folks property?" "I smollcd of them to see If thoy wore 1 fresh." 1 "Whut business Is It o' you'n whuddor ' da fresh ur not when you ain't got no In ) trust In 'em! Is dat do way folks does 1 whar you wuz raised go 'roun' to see , whudder things dat doan 'long ter you Is fresh ur not?" t "I didn't know but what I wanted to buy ono of these fish." "Now you talkin' llko or, man o' do 'merclal life. Yore's or fine feesh, sah; dls yero wall-eyed pike. He's mighty fresh ain't been outon do water mo'n ha'f er hour." "How long had ho boon dead before thoy found him?" "Whut's dat sah?" "I say how long had this fish been a corpse boforo tho rema ns woro discov ered?" "Go on erway frum yore, now; go on, cazo I doan wanter hatter hurt you. Feesh layln' yero flutterln' fltten ter kill hlss'f an' you wantor know how long ho been dead. Go on." "Fluttering! Why, tho files havo blown him." "Yas, an' da'll b'ow you, too, ef you doan go on erway frum yoro. Tlmos hard ernuff wldout you comin' 'roun' yero 'sultin' do trade. Go on. caze ef you doan I kaln' keep my han's offon you much longer." "To toll you tho truth, old man, I don't want frosh fish. I am a manu facturer of Limborgor, and I uso spoiled fish to flavor tho choose." "Huh, Is dat whar dat 'fume como frum? I sorter thought so long timo 1 ora ore s er feesh right ober yero, sah, dat's been dead er good while. Smoll o' him. Ain't ho loud ernuff fur you?" "I don't want that sort of fish; I want a wall-eyed pike about like this one. I'm sorry he's so frosh, for whon I find a fish that just suits mo, I am willing to glvo almost any prico for it" "Yas, sah, dat is a monst'us fine feesh, sho's you llvo. Man como long yero jos' now an' tolo mo ho tuck him outon de water 'bout haffer hour ergo, but I knows dat man, and I rockon dar ain't no bigger liar nowhar. Como try ter 'pose on mo dattor way. W'y, dls feesh is boon deal er week, at leas'. Jos' smoll o' him. Ain't ho got de 'fume an' de flaber?" "That's all right, old man. I have found out what I wanted to I havo dis covered that you soil rotten fih, and I am going to have you arrested." !, "Didn't I tell you dat ef you didn't got erway from yero I couldn't keep my han's offon you? Spen' yo' nights In stoalln' ballot-boxes an' den come erroun' in do day an' 'suit a man's trade. Git outon do way ur I'll hit you wld dls foosh you dun slandered." Arkansaw Traveler. Criminal Ignorance. When ono soos daily, as ono does, the criminal carelessness and Ignoranoe with which tho babies of tho world are treated by their mothers, ono wonders that the raco has ever managed to live through its teething period. On this last awful Tuesday a woman got into a crowded olovatod car with a small baby in hor arms. Of course somobody gave her a seat and sho took it holding tho baby down across hor knees. In spita of the day tho littlo thing had a vail over its face though just why thoro should always bo a fixed and eternal relationship between vails and babies is ono of tho marvels of creation. And it . r, A nn nn 1 ...If 1 wadded coat as well, and thoro it lay in all those wrappings on Its mother's lap, with a perspiring mass of humanity close around It too low for a breath of fresh air, and it gasped and panted ,' whilo that mother sat up and thought hersolf a kindly disposed and Christian j woman, no doubt What tho baby should havo dono to do itsolf credit was to die right then and thoro. A proper spirited baby would. N. Y. Evening Post He Went. "That was an awful thing tho editor of tho Whangor had in tho paper against you." j "Ycr; and I'm going for him right away. (Lator.) "I sunnoso vou wont for that editor in hot hasto." i "Well, yes. You soo I called at the office, and he told mo to got He is a powerful man, so I wont for him." Light The Inconsistencies of Life. Husband How about that batch el funny mattor? Wlfo It all camo back. Husband And that article on "How to Wrlto Jokos?" Wlfo It was acceptod. N. Y. Sun. I'riilesaloiml Courtesy. Mrs. Unnizl John, I think there's a burglar down in tho hall. I Mr. Unnizl Lot him stay there. There's nothing ho can takooxcopt that j umbrella I borrowed from Jones. : Puck. I And now it has boon discovered , that Napoleon I. was a Gorman at least in origin. M. Peyre, in his now book, "Napoleon I. ot Son Tomps," furnishes documents to show that Napoloon came from a Gorman family In Genoa, which bolonged to tho Good party (Uuona Parto) in Ghibollino tlmos, and subse quently settled In Corsica, whoro it adopted tho party nloknamo as Its Bur natno. It is said that tho Fronch would much rather bo told that tho great Na poleon was tho devil than that ho was a, Gorman. Mrs. Dorbor "There, Henry, I have finished painting tho vaso. Now, It I only know whore I could flro it" Mr. Dorbet "What's tho matter with the ash-barrel?" Uoston Transcript A MYSTERY. That sunless day no living shadow swept Across the hills, fleet shadow chasing light Twin of the sailing cloud; but mists, wcoJ white. Slow stealing mists, on those heaved shoul ders crept. And wrought about the strong hills while they slept In witches' wise, and rapt their forms from, sight Dreams were they less than dream, the no blest height And farthest; and the chilly woodland wept A sunless day and sad: yet all the while Within the grave green twilight of the wood. Inscrutable, Immutable, apart. Hearkening the brook, whoso song she under stood, The secret birch tree kept her silver smile. Strange as the peace that gleams at sorrow' heart -Helen Gray Cone In Century. Failed to Work Somehow. Mr. Hillus has a theory that his wife is too indulgent to tramps and beggars. With a dimly defined purpose of teach ing her a lesson he disguised himself the other day as nn abandoned vagabond, boldlv ranc the bell at his own front j door and Inquired for Mrs. Billus. 1 "Have you any old clothes to give a. , poor man, mum?" ho asked in n loud, i aggressive, but carefully disguised voice when the lady presented herself. Mrs. Billus looked at tho soiled, grimy, , disreputable looking object before her with some interest. Whether or not sho j suspected the genuineness of the mendi- cant is not certainly known, but she an 1 swered: "None that would fit you, my good ' man. My husband is a much smaller man than you are." She shut the door in his face, and Mr. i Billus made his way back to his ofiico ; down town. ! "Darn it all!" ho ejaculated, as he sneaked through a back alley, "I must havo looked a thundering 6ight bigger than I feel just now!" Chicago Tribune. A Case of Telepathy. A story witli a little romance in it is that of S. It. W., of Bridgeport, Conn., who was returning from England on an ocean steamer. One night he dreamed that his wife, who was then in Bridge port, opened the door of his stateroom, looked hesitatingly in and then came for ward and kissed him. When lie awoko in the morning the man who occupied the upper berth in his stateroom looked. down and said: "You're a pretty fellow to let a woman come in here in the night and kiss you.". Pressed- for an explana tion, lie described the scene which he had experienced. Arrived at home, he was asked by his wife: "Did you receive a visit from me on such a night? I made you one. I was worried because of the reported storms that night. I dreamed I went out on the ocean and came upon a great, black steamship. I went up the side and along the corridor and opened your door. I j saw a strange man looking at me from j an upper berth. I was afraid at first, but finally I stepped in and kissed you." St. Louis Globe-Democrat. Southerners I.Ike New York. Southerners take to New York more than to any other city north of Mason and Dixon's line. They are at home there whether as visitors or residents. When the close of the war found thousands of southern men penniless, and without any method of earning a living in the devas tated south, many of them came to New York. At every considerable social gathering in New York one is almost sure to find several distinguished ex-Confederates. The southerner in New York retains much of the provincialism and clannish ness with which ho is created, but in spite of this lie is adaptable, more so, prob ably, than tho New Englander. His happy go lucky temper fits in well with tho reck lessness of tho city and his' suavity of manner vastly smoothes the rougli places of business life. It is noticeable, too, that the southerner seldom falls into the social vice of snobbishness. Cor. Pitts burg Post. j Smlloy-I'm going to bo married to ; the beautiful Miss Sharpo. Congratu- , Kto mo, oUl boj.( and oorao and drJnk I hor health SUmloy Yes, you'ro right to toast hor now sho'll toast you whon you'r married, West Shoro. A WuggUh Warden. "We'll Boon take tho starch out ot you," said the warden to tlio refractory prisoner. "You will will you?" "Yes, we'll iron you." Boston Cou rier. First detective "Tiat pawnbroker ii guilty of buying stolen goods. Did you notlco him turn whlto whon I looked at tho watchos?" Socond do tectlvo "Yos, but what of that?" First detective "Why, whon you catch a man paling it is fair to supposo that bo is a fenco." Tho Jostor. VEGETABLE PANACEA PREPARED FROM ROOTS fie HERBS, rwr. 111!- I.UHU or AND ALL OTHER DISEASES ARISINO FROM A DISORDERED STATE ornc STOMACH OR AN inactive: liver. FOR SALE BY" ALL DRUSGISTS ft GENERAL DEALERS
