t
The Oregon Scout
Jones & Chancey Publishers.
UNION, OREGON.
PITH AND POINT.
-"Oh, mamma, won't vou plcaso'glvs
io a pleco of that cake?" "No, my
doar; it will mako you sick." "I don't
want to cat It; 1 only want to mako
omo sinkers for my flsh-lino." Oolden
Jays.
Heggs "I wonder why Mrs. Jaggs
man t lot her husband employ a femalo
4pewrltor operator?" Foggs "Don't
you know? She was his formor typo
wrltor oporutor hersolf." Munsoy's
vookly.
Doctor "What Is your husband's
omplalnt ma'am? Is It chronic?"
Wlfo "Yes, sir. I have novor known
-tiim to bo satisfied with a meal for tho
ast thirty-flvo years." Hurlington
Troo Tress. .... .-
"Dear. I do wish I could think of
omo way to mako tho congregation
Jcoop tholr oyos on mo during tho ser
mon." Llttlo Tommy "l'a, you want
o put tho clock right bohlnd, tho pul
pit." Tho Epoch.
Miss Dobutanto "Woro you at tho
Ujonos' rccoptlon, yosterday, Mr. lljon
on?" Mr. Hjonson "Yes, I steppod in
for a fow minutos, but thoro was such a
lot of uninteresting girls thoro I soon
loft Woro you there?"
V i Young Husband "What! You are
4wonty-flvo yonrs old to-day? Why you
old mo a year ago, just boforo tho wed
ding, that you woro only twonty. "
Young Wlfo (wearily) "I havo agod
apidly slnco I married."
Clork(in roady-mado cloth lng-storo)
"Will you ploaso givo mo anliour off
his afternoon, sir ?" Proprietor
"'What do you want to got off for ?"
Clerk "I want to go and buy a suit of
JBlothos." Uoston Courier.
'V Hullo, Stlgglnsl I hardly knew
you. Whon I last saw you you woro dy
4nff from slooplossness, and hero you
re, fat and happy. What has cured
jrou?" "Hoon appointed on tho police
orco." Philadelphia Tlmos.
Aunt Maria "Your husband sooms
nusually amlablo and pleasant now,,
dear." Kthol (recently married)!-
"Well, yes. You see, I havo stopped
" "Coing- to cooking school, and wo now
-tiavo a cook." Harper's Iluzar.
' x First Citizon "I hoar tho Govorn
nont has rojectod ono of the new cruis
rs. What was tho mattor with It?'
Second Citizen "I prosumo It hadn't
enough spood to got away from a for
eign battlo-shlp." N. Y. Weokly.
Ilatcholl (to happy fathor) "Con
gratulate you, old man. on tho new ar
rival. Whom does ho look llko?"
father (remembering tho visitors' com
nents) "Ho looks llko all his rolatlvos
en both sldos of tho family." Ux
hango. Si Fond Mother "I havo called John-
is a dozen times to como in and go on
a orrand, but ho won't come. He is
out thoro playing with ono of the neigh
tier's children." Callor (meaningly)
'Ho won't como?" Fond Mother
'No, Those nolghbor childron ought
to havo more respect for my fool lugs
4han to go on playing with him after ho
lias boon called, and I shall send them
liomo this Instant." N. Y. Wookly.
- v
REMARKABLE CAREER.
An Aral)
fouiiiUliiR Now it Colonel In the
l'rnicli Army.
Tho public has boon reading lately a
If re at many dispatches from Franco and
Africa giving the yrogross of tho war
which tho Fronch Government has boon
waging in Dahomey. IiFoutcnant
Colonel Archlnard was the olllcor men
tioned as being in command of tho
I'ronch troops, who, although moroly a
tiandful of some -100 or f00 cavalry, havo
Inflicted great slaughter on their oppo
nents, killing as many as 1,000 In a
higlo engagement
Thoro recently arrived In this city a
young French olllcor who is an intimate
friend of Colonel Archlnard and who
elates tho following strange history of
4he dashing young Colonol's life:
"About twonty-slx yoars ago, at tho
tlsio Franco was ongagod in a sorles of
-x?tty wars against tho nomad tribes In
Algeria, and after ono of those engage
ments, a certain Gaston Archlnard,
then a Captain In a cavalry regiment,
-was attending to tho removal of tho
wreundod, when one of his men discov
ered a llttlo Arab child who had evi
dently been abandoned by Its parents
4a tholr flight, llolng a bachelor, and,
liking tho bright. Intelligent look in
ho llttlo fellow's face, the Captain do--lermlncd
to adopt him and glvo htm
tils name. Ho theroforo sent him to a
lycoo or French school in Hordoaux,
where tho lad was educated, and later,
in 1876, tho Captain having risen to the
ak of Itrlgadlor-Gonoral, ho caused
lilm to bo enlisted as a pri
vate In tho Seventh Hussars, un
der his own name of Archlnard.
Gaining rapid promotion he was soon
ont to tho cavalry school at Saumar,
from whence ho graduated in 188t, only
ion yours ago, as u sub-Lloutonant of
cavalry. He was then sent to Tunis
and fought through tho campaign of
1883, and tho following your saw him
oommunding n battalion In Touquln.
In 1887 ho was sent to Senegal as a
Major in tho famous regiment of Spuhls
Kenogalals, which ho commanded as
liioutonunt-Colonol in his lato aucoost
y ,ful campaign In Dahomey. Although a
r Turo-blooded Arab, with a thorough
It'ronoh military education, Colonol
Archlnard, it 1b whispered in promt
Mont Parisian military clrolos, is next
en tho list for promotion to tho coveted
rank of General of a division of tho
I'rench army, San Franolsoo Exami
ne r.
I'racllral Kronoiny,
first Collegia ,0 What In tho world
have you stopped smoking cigarettes
,nd started in on cigars for?
Second Collegiate Oh, father made mo
pro ml so to try to save money by swear
lug off cigarettes, you kuow. Munsov's
Weekly. .
A RURAL ROMANCE.
(SOMEWHAT IN TnK LINE OF U)HD TEN.NTSON'S
PASTOIUI. POEMS, ONLY DtFFEIIE.VT.)
Two honest husbandmen dwelt Ride by Ride
In farms adjoining. Grubbs and Stubbs their
names.
Rough, homely names In sooth; but all they
hod,
And oft those names bad served them In good
Rtcad
When they had need of names to sign to notes
Grubbs hod a son Kzcklcl tall and staunch
As any rustic who wore pants In boots.
And rose at four to milk his seven klne
And seek for egglets In the hennery.
Stubbs had no sons; a daughter only came
To bjess her father's borne, to shed sunlight
About Us roomtf and eke to do odd chores
'Twlxt meal times. She was fair to look upon
As snowdrops blossoming In early spring.
Her name was Mary Ann, a gentle name,
And gently borne by her. Kzeklel saw
And loved her, whom to see and love were one.
The farms adjoined and were but kept apart
Dy one plain picket fence of easy compass,
Through which the faithful dog of Fa-mer
Stubbs
Did oft meander In the eventide
To chase the dogs of worthy Farmer Grubbs.
Thus was a feud begun between the twain;
Hut Mary Ann and young Ezektel too
Were not a part of the parental strife.
Equal their fathers' lots; content were they
To know that when some day the old men
hopped
The golden twig, the farms should be united,
A goodly estate for a goodly pair.
Hut one day came a shadow o'er their paths.
A schemer Ir-in tho town Intruded on
Tho peaceful .-online of the Grubbs estate,
Looked here, dug there and sullied and snuffed
about,
Saying wlseacrcly, with shake of head:
"There's oil t ion this lund, of that I'm sure.
Oil that Is pe .t up In a mighty store.
Dig, furmcr, and I"U warrant thee thou'lt find
Illcbcs, the like which thou wotst not of."
So ho departed. Then good Furmcr Grubbs
Dtd bold his head aloft and blevutc
Ills nose when neighbors passed, as who should
say:
"I shall be rich. There's oil on this, my land',
And wealth Immense shall speedily be mine."
So when Kzeklcl ciuno and softly said:
"Father, I fain would wed with Mary Ann,"
Ho waxed full wroth, exclaiming In his wrath :
"How now thou who, when wo have dug for oil,
Shalt be a man of .rlchos; wl)t thou wed
This beggar's brat, this pauper farmer's chlldf
Gotol It fball not bo."
And so the son
Went sorrowlngly to tell his Mary Ann
And break the match, explaining as he might
That ho so rich mft look above poor her.
Then there nus digging on the Grubbs estate,
Digging In dny-tlme, boring In tho night
For oil, rich oil, that was to make them rich.
For days and weeks and months they dug and
bored.
What camo of'tf Nothing, nothing, ever
nothing.
Then camo tho city schemer, and ho looked
About the placo exclaiming: "Marvelous I
llehold the vein of oil that once lay hero
Has vanlshod and has mudo Its oily way
Heneath yon fence to Farmer Stubbs' estute.
Hip is the oil well; yours tho memory oft."
So saying he vanished, unci Ezckiel wept.
1
That night he hied him unto Mury Ann,
And told her that his lovo hud never ceased,
Hosought her take him back und let no oil,
No sordid, oleaginous obsluele
Disturb the dream, the golden dream of love.
She said him nay and mocked him.
So ho wont
Kicking himself adown the dusty lane.
Then Farmer Stubbs set cheerily to work,
And In a fow weeks' tlmo struck oil right rich.
A fortune rolled In and his wealth becamo
So vast that all around murvelcd thereat.
So Stubbs waxed wealthy, and so Mary Ann,
Her father's heiress, grow accustomed to
Kzeklcl's loss and married very noon
A foreign nobleman with heavy bills
Which Mary Ann's papa paid willingly.
So read and learn that Wo can never tell
Who that Is down to-day may not bo up
To morrow, und who down that now Is up.
Harry 11. Smith, In America.
AN ACCEPTABLE OFFER.
Story of an Old-Fashlouod Dona
tion Party.
S THIS all we've
got for dinner?"
said Leslie Hor
nard, rather
dolefully.
"Isn't It
enough?" retort
ed Clara. Iter sis
ter. T h o dining
room 1 n Glen
wood Parson -was
unmlstt
bly shabby.
was bad onough whon tho Irion
gloom of a rainy day concealed itssh
comings in some degree Hut o
clear, uncompromising August 11
llko this, the cruol sunshine rovoa
each crack In tho celling, and ev
worn spot in the carput like a magu
Ing-glass.
And really thoro was sotno occas
for tho doleful look with which Lei
regarded tho table. There was the
trome shank bone .of a-ham boiled i
rags, a fow slices of cold hoof, so
baked potatoes, and a custard that cer
tainly had not been rendered indigesti
ble by too much richness of material.
There wero tho remains of yesterday's
stow, half a cold apple pie, and a plato
of homo-mado pickles; and around this
tnoal gathered four llttlo llernards, with
ravenous eyes, while Harry, the oldest
brother, who had been doing sotno
amateur whlto-washlng, was malting a
hasty toilet In the sink-room; and tho
two grown slstors superintended tho
banquet.
Mr. Hcrnard was engaged in writing
his noxt Sunday's sermon, and his wife I
was at a neighbor s house, helping to
nurso a cross old woman, who had worn
out everybody's patlonco but her own.
"Enough, I supposes" said Leslie,
"but not very appetizing. Now, is It?"
"Poor folks have no business to ox
poot appetizing food," said Clara, short
ly, "lu fact 1 don't think they havo
any business to llvo at all. Davy, take
your lingers out of tho sugar-bowl. Ida,
alt up straight."
"Why, Clara, what's tho mattor?"
said Leslie, gently, moving tho bowl of
sugar out of young David's roaoh, and
helping to porpoudlcularlzo tho small
Ida in her chair.
"Ohl 1 don't know," ropllod Clara;
"I'm cross."
"No need to toll us that," observed
Harry, seating himself. "It is one of
tho very few facts patent to all observ
ers. Whero Is fathor?"
"It's that donation party," said Clara,
with an impatient, backward toss of her
auburn hair,
"Eh?" said Harry.
"I huto donation partlosl" cried out
Clara, recklossly carving tho end of
bain Into unctuous shaylng. "I think
thoy'ro an Insult to poopls. So, theref
Harry wmsticd; lcsiio smiiea; too
children all stared.
"If they want to do papa a favor."
went on Clara, breathlessly, loading up
the children's plates with all sorts of in
congruous materials, "why don't thoy
pay him his salary, instead of letting it
rnn bohlnd? Why don't thoy repair
this dismal hole of a parsonage, and
stop tho church chimney from smoking,
and do what thoy ought to do? Who
wants Mrs. Hampton to bring us a chair
tiay. ana tsquiro uamsoy to sort out an
bis damaged beans fc)f bur benefit, and
Annio Smith to work borriblo pen
wipers for us? Wo'ro not objects of
charity yet, aro we?"
"Hush, Clara," soothed Leslie. I
'It's the custom, sis," said Harry. "I !
I can't say that I quite uphold it myself;
but hush, hero comes father."
! Mr. Hcrnard was a mild old gontlo
i man, with a bald head and spectacles,
I who sat down to his meal in an absent ,
sort of way, as if his mind wero some- I
what In Syro-Phcenicia. Tho children I
1 might easily havo continued their dis- 1
cussion and he would havo been none I
J tho wUer. I
J Clara Hcrnard was twenty years old.
1 Sho was not a beauty, nor was sho re-
markably talented; but she had a round, 1
fresh face, with hazel eyes, and warm
red-brown .hair; and there was a deal of
! common-senso in her make-up.
Leslio was the family beauty a pink
and white Dresden china little creature
and Clara had it fully settled that
Leslio was to mako a brilliant match,
while she,. (Mara, was to settlo down Into
tho monotony of old maidism. Hut
there wore somo things that she would
havo liked dlfforcnt, and tho coming
donation party weighed vory heavily
upon her soul. It was supposed to be a
surprise to tho minister and his wife.
Clara, Leslio and Harry had, however,
been lot Into tho secret as a sort of nec
essary preliminary.
"I wish," said Leslio thoughtfully
"that Mrs. Hays would think to glvo us
a now sitting-room carpot Ours is worrt
through to tho very boards of tho floor;
and sho has just recarpeted her own
house with real Hrussels."
"Sho will glvo you a bunch of parjor
rosos, you will see," scornfully retorted
Clara.
"Tho Hamptons aro rich," said Harry.
"Llttlo mother would approclato a sew-lng-matiina
from Mrs. Hampton, now
wouldn's sho?"
Clara shrugged hor shoulders.
"I can. toll exactly what Mrs. Hamp
ton moans to glvo us," said sho. "Ono
of thosn book-marks that her grand
daughter work'. or a splatter-worked
tidy. Oh, Harry, If you only know how
I hated ill this!"
Toward dusk tho presonts began to
como in. Mrs. White sont a jug of coal-
oil, Dcar.on Jones brought a bag of wal
nuts ("jist as If tho woods weren't full
of thorn, ' said Clara, contemptuously).
Minnlo Urown brought a chatr-ttdy,
Miss Kt&or contributed a staring chromo,
tho Widow .lackson a hag of rancid hen's
feat her. 'i, Charllo Young a sotting of
duck's (-ggs. It was planned to fill tho
back kitchen with gifts of this nature,
and to display them all at onco to the
minister and his wife, as a "surprlso."
"Sister," piped llttlo Ida, "horo's a
chair from Mrs. Forrestl"
Leslio groaned.
"Its tho old chair that stood all last
summor on hor porch," said sho.
"Painted over and glued up. Hut It
won't last a month."
"Mrs. Forrest all over," said Clara.
"At this rato wo shall bo rich."
It was nearly dark whon Norman
Arlington camo In. Clara was empty
ing a paper of yeast cakos which old
Mrs. Harrington had sont Old Mrs.
Harrington had boon vory sick that
summor, and both Mr. Hcrnard and his
wlfo had kept many a faithful vigil "at
hor sldo. Naturally, sho wished to
show hor appreciation of all this. Yeast
cakes wero a penny a pieco at tho vil
lago store, and she had sont halt adozon
.w.,w. 1 .1 it. .ti.nn .Jvloenian Arllng-
111,
iag
kn-
I'ty
in
vou'n:
mil NO TO
I'AHTY
IION'ATION
boforo tho commotion began," said ho.
Sho laughed scornfully.
"Tho commotion Is hero now," said
Clara.
"Clara!"
"Yos, Mr. Arlington."
"Would you bo offended If I woro to
offer you "
"Yos, I would," broko out Clara, rod
doning to tho very roots of hor hair. "I
don't want It! It's an Insult! Carry It
baok homo, whatever It is, and ploaso
ploaso don't think that bocauso I havo
tho misfortune to bo a minister's daugh
ter, that"
Norman's black oyos gllttorod, halt
with fun, half with voxatlon.
"Clara," said he, "you aro a llttla
tlxen! Won't you hear mo out?'1
"Is It buokwhoat Hour?" said Clara,
ledlgnautly eying tbo bag, "or la 11
ll.VVK A
1IKIIK."
r.
black-oycd beans?
He can so wo'vo got a
plenty of both, thank vou all thnRamo."
I "Tho bag is not intended for you,
'said Norman. "It is on its war to Dr.
I r a .... -
lioimes, lull of castor beans.
I couldn't
put my offering Into a bag nor pack it
in a dox. it's too big."
"Nobody wants your offering,"
torted Clara.
ro"
Norman put the bag on a chair and
took both Clara's llttlo hands In his.
Are you quite sure of that?" said ho,
j "Dear llttlo Clara, don't look so cross at
mo. I camo hero to offer vou mvself.
j and I don't proposo to go away until
J you havo said either yes or no. I know
j you aro cross; but I can't help risking
it. Clara, 1 can't live any longor In
I suspense. I lovo you in spite of all tho
j scoldings you give mo, and I want to
marry you. Come, Clara, is it yes or
, no?"
Clara blushed redder than any rose.
. She made an instinctive movemont to
slip out of tho room, but Norman In
MT HIM I.V," IT.KAUEl) CI. A It A.
tercepted her and placed his back com
posedly against tho door.
"No," said ho, "there's no escape for
you until I got my answer."
At that moment thoro camo a pro
digious knocking at tho door.
"It's Squiro Dixon," gasped Clara,
"with a irallon can of korosono oil!"
"I don't caro if it ts a cargo of dyna-
mito!" said Jorman. "Is it yes?"
"1 must lot him in," pleaded Clara.
" "la it no?"
"And thoro is Dr. Gibson's gig, with a
bundle of broom-corn and a basket of
Hubbard squashes Do lq.t jno.go, Nor
man!" "Not ono stop, until my fato Is de
cided!" Clara darted a shy glanco at him
from under her long lashes. Apparent
ly she was meditating a rebellion; but a
second knocking of persistent knuckles
at tho door decided the question.
"Thoy will knock in the pinols!" said
she. "Yes, Norman yes! Only let
mo open tho door."
Hut oven then Norman would not
suffer hor to open tho door until ho had
taken a very deliberate and satisfactory
kiss. "You aro a llttlo darling." said
ho. "And I know I should conquer you
in time."
The Squiro and tho doctor came In,
but Norman had taken himself and his
bag of castor beans oil through tho open
window.
"Any thing wrong with tho fasten
ing o' this 'ero door?" said tho Squiro,
gruflly.
I "I I couldn't got tho barrol of apples
out of tho way," said Clara, coloring
j vory rod.
Tho donation party camo triumphant
ly off that night- Apples and salt pork,
' patch-work quilts and many tidies were
Irocolved. Tho minister made a speech
of thanks. Mrs. Hornard wondored how
I much would bo loft of hor host china
'dishes and worn carpots boforo tho com
'pany was geno. Hut through it all
:Clarasoomod to walk on rose-colored
clouds. Nothing put hor out. All tho
irritation was gono from hor heart; and
Leslio, watching her with a smilo, said
to hersolf: "Doar Clara, so it has como
at last Tho onchanted prince has rid
den up to the castlo gates and set hor
froo. I am so glad!"
Estki.i.a G. Moiutia.
Medicine In Vegetables.
Tho Now York Herald says tho fol
lowing Information may bo usoful to
somo, if not now to many: Spinach has
a direct offcot upon tho kidneys. A
common dandollon used as groons Is ex
cellent for thosamo trouble Asparagus
purgos tho blood. Colory acts admir
ably upon tho nervous systom and is a
euro for rheumatism and neuralgia.
Tomatoes act upon tho llvor. Heots
and turnips aro excellent appetizers.
Lottucu and cucumbers aro cooling in
tholr offoct upon tho systom. Onions,
garlic, leoks, olivo and shallots, all of
which aro similar, possess modlclnalvlr-I
uio 01 a marxou cuarac.er, stimulating
I tho circulatory systom, and the conse
quent Increase in tho saliva and tho
gastrio julco promoting digestion. Red
onions aro an excollent diuretic, and
1 thq white ones are rocommondod to bo
i eaton raw as a romody for insomnia. A
1 soup mado from onions is regarded by
J tho Fronch as an oxcollont rostoratlvo
in debility of tho digestlvo organs.
1 The Number of Our Anresturn.
To ono who has not thought upon the
subject, it is qulto inconcoivablo how '
rapidly a person's llnoal ancestors mul- I
' tlply ovory generation ho carries back
tho calculation. If ono is asked how j
'many groat-groat-grandfathors ho had, ,
'ho will, In all likelihood answer: "two,"
whilo in reality bo had fight. If thoro ,
havo boon no intermarriages of rela-
tlons among his ancestors. In fact, tho
numbor of male ancestors doubles
ovory generation. Thus, ovory ono has ,
had two grandfathers, four groat-grand-fathors,
eight great-great-grandfathors, 1
six toon groat-groat-groat-grandfathorsj
and fifteen generations back, ho had no
less than sixteen thousand threo bun- 1
dred and eighty-four lineal male an- 1
cos tors. N. Y. Ledger.
A 1'uylnc I'rnfesalon.
Mr. Million Humph! Want to marry
my daughter? Nowspapor roportor, I
understand, novor hoard of a nows
papor roportor getting rich.
Mr. Qulokpen Ohl I havo. I know of
a dozen who havo marrlod holrouaa.
N. Y. Wookly.
I I
4a1. "-" p " "
"l Ml'HT
AN INSULTER OF TRADE.
flow He Abused the Confidence of a Colored
Dealer In Fish.
A negro bad a number of fish exposed
for sale on a tablo placed near the edge
of tho sidewalk. A white man came
along and, bending over, began to sniff
and snort
"Whut's do matter wld you?" tho ne
gro asked.
"Nothing; I was only smelling of
these fish."
"Whut you want to como, roun' yoro
smellin' o' 'em fur? Da ain't yo' proper
ty. Is it tho right thing to do, goln
roun'de neighborhood a-smcllln' o' udder
folks property?"
"I smollcd of them to see If thoy wore
1 fresh."
1 "Whut business Is It o' you'n whuddor
' da fresh ur not when you ain't got no In
) trust In 'em! Is dat do way folks does
1 whar you wuz raised go 'roun' to see
, whudder things dat doan 'long ter you
Is fresh ur not?"
t "I didn't know but what I wanted to
buy ono of these fish."
"Now you talkin' llko or, man o' do
'merclal life. Yore's or fine feesh, sah;
dls yero wall-eyed pike. He's mighty
fresh ain't been outon do water mo'n
ha'f er hour."
"How long had ho boon dead before
thoy found him?"
"Whut's dat sah?"
"I say how long had this fish been a
corpse boforo tho rema ns woro discov
ered?" "Go on erway frum yore, now; go on,
cazo I doan wanter hatter hurt you.
Feesh layln' yero flutterln' fltten ter
kill hlss'f an' you wantor know how
long ho been dead. Go on."
"Fluttering! Why, tho files havo
blown him."
"Yas, an' da'll b'ow you, too, ef you
doan go on erway frum yoro. Tlmos
hard ernuff wldout you comin' 'roun'
yero 'sultin' do trade. Go on. caze ef you
doan I kaln' keep my han's offon you
much longer."
"To toll you tho truth, old man, I
don't want frosh fish. I am a manu
facturer of Limborgor, and I uso spoiled
fish to flavor tho choose."
"Huh, Is dat whar dat 'fume como
frum? I sorter thought so long timo
1 ora
ore s er feesh right ober yero,
sah, dat's been dead er good while.
Smoll o' him. Ain't ho loud ernuff fur
you?"
"I don't want that sort of fish; I want
a wall-eyed pike about like this one.
I'm sorry he's so frosh, for whon I find a
fish that just suits mo, I am willing to
glvo almost any prico for it"
"Yas, sah, dat is a monst'us fine feesh,
sho's you llvo. Man como long yero jos'
now an' tolo mo ho tuck him outon de
water 'bout haffer hour ergo, but I
knows dat man, and I rockon dar ain't
no bigger liar nowhar. Como try ter
'pose on mo dattor way. W'y, dls feesh
is boon deal er week, at leas'. Jos'
smoll o' him. Ain't ho got de 'fume an'
de flaber?"
"That's all right, old man. I have
found out what I wanted to I havo dis
covered that you soil rotten fih, and I
am going to have you arrested."
!,
"Didn't I tell you dat ef you didn't
got erway from yero I couldn't keep my
han's offon you? Spen' yo' nights In
stoalln' ballot-boxes an' den come
erroun' in do day an' 'suit a man's trade.
Git outon do way ur I'll hit you wld dls
foosh you dun slandered." Arkansaw
Traveler.
Criminal Ignorance.
When ono soos daily, as ono does, the
criminal carelessness and Ignoranoe
with which tho babies of tho world are
treated by their mothers, ono wonders
that the raco has ever managed to live
through its teething period. On this
last awful Tuesday a woman got into a
crowded olovatod car with a small baby
in hor arms. Of course somobody gave
her a seat and sho took it holding tho
baby down across hor knees. In spita
of the day tho littlo thing had a vail
over its face though just why thoro
should always bo a fixed and eternal
relationship between vails and babies is
ono of tho marvels of creation. And it
. r, A nn nn 1 ...If 1
wadded coat as well, and thoro it lay in
all those wrappings on Its mother's lap,
with a perspiring mass of humanity
close around It too low for a breath of
fresh air, and it gasped and panted
,' whilo that mother sat up and thought
hersolf a kindly disposed and Christian
j woman, no doubt What tho baby
should havo dono to do itsolf credit was
to die right then and thoro. A proper
spirited baby would. N. Y. Evening
Post
He Went.
"That was an awful thing tho editor
of tho Whangor had in tho paper against
you."
j "Ycr; and I'm going for him right
away.
(Lator.) "I sunnoso vou wont for
that editor in hot hasto."
i "Well, yes. You soo I called at the
office, and he told mo to got He is a
powerful man, so I wont for him."
Light
The Inconsistencies of Life.
Husband How about that batch el
funny mattor?
Wlfo It all camo back.
Husband And that article on "How
to Wrlto Jokos?"
Wlfo It was acceptod. N. Y. Sun.
I'riilesaloiml Courtesy.
Mrs. Unnizl John, I think there's a
burglar down in tho hall.
I Mr. Unnizl Lot him stay there.
There's nothing ho can takooxcopt that
j umbrella I borrowed from Jones.
: Puck.
I And now it has boon discovered
, that Napoleon I. was a Gorman at least
in origin. M. Peyre, in his now book,
"Napoleon I. ot Son Tomps," furnishes
documents to show that Napoloon came
from a Gorman family In Genoa, which
bolonged to tho Good party (Uuona
Parto) in Ghibollino tlmos, and subse
quently settled In Corsica, whoro it
adopted tho party nloknamo as Its Bur
natno. It is said that tho Fronch would
much rather bo told that tho great Na
poleon was tho devil than that ho was
a, Gorman.
Mrs. Dorbor "There, Henry, I have
finished painting tho vaso. Now, It I
only know whore I could flro it" Mr.
Dorbet "What's tho matter with the
ash-barrel?" Uoston Transcript
A MYSTERY.
That sunless day no living shadow swept
Across the hills, fleet shadow chasing light
Twin of the sailing cloud; but mists, wcoJ
white.
Slow stealing mists, on those heaved shoul
ders crept.
And wrought about the strong hills while they
slept
In witches' wise, and rapt their forms from,
sight
Dreams were they less than dream, the no
blest height
And farthest; and the chilly woodland wept
A sunless day and sad: yet all the while
Within the grave green twilight of the wood.
Inscrutable, Immutable, apart.
Hearkening the brook, whoso song she under
stood, The secret birch tree kept her silver smile.
Strange as the peace that gleams at sorrow'
heart
-Helen Gray Cone In Century.
Failed to Work Somehow.
Mr. Hillus has a theory that his wife is
too indulgent to tramps and beggars.
With a dimly defined purpose of teach
ing her a lesson he disguised himself the
other day as nn abandoned vagabond,
boldlv ranc the bell at his own front
j door and Inquired for Mrs. Billus.
1 "Have you any old clothes to give a.
, poor man, mum?" ho asked in n loud,
i aggressive, but carefully disguised voice
when the lady presented herself.
Mrs. Billus looked at tho soiled, grimy,
, disreputable looking object before her
with some interest. Whether or not sho
j suspected the genuineness of the mendi-
cant is not certainly known, but she an
1 swered:
"None that would fit you, my good
' man. My husband is a much smaller
man than you are."
She shut the door in his face, and Mr.
i Billus made his way back to his ofiico
; down town.
! "Darn it all!" ho ejaculated, as he
sneaked through a back alley, "I must
havo looked a thundering 6ight bigger
than I feel just now!" Chicago Tribune.
A Case of Telepathy.
A story witli a little romance in it is
that of S. It. W., of Bridgeport, Conn.,
who was returning from England on an
ocean steamer. One night he dreamed
that his wife, who was then in Bridge
port, opened the door of his stateroom,
looked hesitatingly in and then came for
ward and kissed him. When lie awoko
in the morning the man who occupied
the upper berth in his stateroom looked.
down and said: "You're a pretty fellow
to let a woman come in here in the night
and kiss you.". Pressed- for an explana
tion, lie described the scene which he
had experienced.
Arrived at home, he was asked by his
wife: "Did you receive a visit from me
on such a night? I made you one. I was
worried because of the reported storms
that night. I dreamed I went out on the
ocean and came upon a great, black
steamship. I went up the side and along
the corridor and opened your door. I
j saw a strange man looking at me from
j an upper berth. I was afraid at first,
but finally I stepped in and kissed you."
St. Louis Globe-Democrat.
Southerners I.Ike New York.
Southerners take to New York more
than to any other city north of Mason
and Dixon's line. They are at home there
whether as visitors or residents. When
the close of the war found thousands of
southern men penniless, and without any
method of earning a living in the devas
tated south, many of them came to New
York.
At every considerable social gathering
in New York one is almost sure to find
several distinguished ex-Confederates.
The southerner in New York retains
much of the provincialism and clannish
ness with which ho is created, but in
spite of this lie is adaptable, more so, prob
ably, than tho New Englander. His happy
go lucky temper fits in well with tho reck
lessness of tho city and his' suavity of
manner vastly smoothes the rougli places
of business life. It is noticeable, too,
that the southerner seldom falls into the
social vice of snobbishness. Cor. Pitts
burg Post.
j Smlloy-I'm going to bo married to
; the beautiful Miss Sharpo. Congratu-
, Kto mo, oUl boj.( and oorao and drJnk
I hor health
SUmloy Yes, you'ro right to toast
hor now sho'll toast you whon you'r
married, West Shoro.
A WuggUh Warden.
"We'll Boon take tho starch out ot
you," said the warden to tlio refractory
prisoner.
"You will will you?"
"Yes, we'll iron you." Boston Cou
rier. First detective "Tiat pawnbroker
ii guilty of buying stolen goods. Did
you notlco him turn whlto whon I
looked at tho watchos?" Socond do
tectlvo "Yos, but what of that?" First
detective "Why, whon you catch a man
paling it is fair to supposo that bo is a
fenco." Tho Jostor.
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