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About The Oregon scout. (Union, Union County, Or.) 188?-1918 | View Entire Issue (Aug. 24, 1888)
K SCIENCE AND INDUSTRY. Plaster of paris is boing driven out of Paris by wood pulp, which is made to serve the sumo purposo cheapor. A sooloty has'beon founded in Paris for tho f&l'jnUflo study of tho mouth nnd ltsncoossorios in their various affections. A now mothod of deadening floors" Is to fill tho spico bonoath a iloor and tho coiling below with shaving mado lncombustlblo by saturating them in , "thick whitewash. It is said that this shuts out tUo sound more effectually than cement. It has boon calculated by Prof. Ilogors, of Washington, that tho dynam ic power of a slnglo pound of good steam coal is equivalent to a. man's work for ono day; tliroo ton, for twonty years, and onosquaro milo of a seam of coal only four foot thick will roprosont tho labor of a million man for twonty years. A jiow candle has boon brought out which extinguishes itself In an hour. This It doos by m sans of a tiny extin guisher of tin, which is fastened in tho wax by wires and which effectually porforms Its task. It Is only necessary to remove this diminutive extinguisher when Its work Is done, and tho candle is again ready to burn another hour. Tho scientific authorities In Europe seem to have decided that horso-llosh Is Inferior to hoof as an article of diet Tho question was long ago sottlod iu tho same way by the common practice alike of civilized and savage races, who havo found that tho flesh of tho well-fed and soft-muscled ox Is far los likely to resist tho work of dlgostlon and assimilation than tho tough and stringy flbors of tho ho."ao. A plan has boon contrived for gen erating steam for motive power at tin smolters, through the uso of slag, th latter being dumped Into largo, shallow vessels, which are afterward run under boilers, and tho heat usod In generat ing steam. In somo experimental tests of this now method It was found capable of maintaining as much as Bovonty-llvo pounds1 prossuro on a vortical holler for soven days, thus In suring a groat economy. In a lecture on "Foods," recently given in London by Dr. B. V. Richard son, tho lecturer said: "There is un othor vory oxcollont food now becom ing common, viz., tho banana. Tills Is one of tho host of foods, contains 74 per cent, water, 20 per cont. fuel, 5 per cont. flesh-formers, and 0.7 per cont. mlnor.il. Comparing those figures with those furnished by milk, namely, 8G por cont. water, !) per cont. fuel 1 por cent, flesh-formers, and 0.7 por cont. mineral, wo might almost look niton the banana as condensed milk. According to Professor Sargoant, tho strongost wood In tho United States is that of the nutmeg hickory of tho Arkansas region, and tho weakest tho West Indian birch. Tho most olastlc is tho tamaraok, tho white or sholl bark hickory stand lug far bolow it. Tho least olastlc, and the lowost in specific gravity, is the wood of tho Ileus aurea. Tho highest spoolfio gravity, upon which In goiiortl dopunds value as fuol, Is attained by the bluowood of Texas. Small whlto globulos of porcelain nro mado In Munich. Thoy are mado to take tho plaoo of ordinary load shot usod for cleaning wine and medicine bottles, as porcelain Is ontlroly free from tho objootlon of producing lead contamination, which Is often the result when ordinary Hhot Is usod. Tholr hardness and rough surface producing, whoa shakon, greater friction, adapt tho porcelain shot well for quickly cleaning dirty and greasy bottles, and thoy are not acted upon by acids or alkalies; almost any liquid can be usod. American Journal of Pharmacy. IT WORKED WELL. An ICxculliuit Itnolpit for Snttllnc I)Ihhri" libln l'ainlly FuiiiIm. A denizen of Cass aveuuo and a resi dent of Third avenue havo long been enemies. Thoy fell out about a piece of land, and as time wont by each grow more bitter. The other day tho Third avenue man went to a mutual friend and said: "Look hero, but It Is vory foolish in II and me to bo onemlos." "So It la." "lie is a fine man and a good oltlzon nnd 1 want to bridge tho ohaam. Will you holp moP" "Cortulnly." "How shall I proceed?" "This noon you coma ovor to my barn and got my horse and lead him ovor to H.'s. Toll him It Is a horse you think of buying and you want his judg ment." "Hut Pvo hoard ho hardly knows a horse from a cow." i "Exaotly, and that's whoro you'll got him. It will bo a grand appeal to his vanity." At noon tho horso was lod ovor. At ono o'clock ho was roturnod by a strange man, who oxplninod: "Tho feller Hont him back by mo, because he and tho other feller havo boon shaking hands and shedding toara for tho last half hour. Never saw two brothers more loving." Detroit Free Press. Domestic Intolllgonco. Woodbury, who la n Waco Mr. (Texas) bunker, does not llvo very hap liily with hid wlfo. Thoy have fro quont Boonoa. Ho does not go out much, but alio imulo lilm go to tho theater or n change. After tho piny was over sho uskod him how ho llkod It "It's too much llko our homo Ufa for io to enjoy it vory much," ho replied. "What do you moanP" "It was ono booiio right uftor au othor."-- Tcxa$ Silings.. A SAGACIOUS SETTER. The Seir-Imponeil Duties of a KcniBrlcahta Mnrjrlantt Dog. Benedict, Charles County, Md., boasts of tho most sagacious setter dog in tho State. Tho dog, Bob, is a largo whlto-and-llvorcd-colored setter, about ntno years old. Ho Is actually tho proporty of Captain Jones, late of tho Weoms Lino of steamers, but nominally ho bolongs to any and all residents of Benedict. Bob has free access to any of tho rosidoncos or stores at all tlmos. Mothors utlllzo him as nurso for their Infants, and Bpb sooms to do- light in taking caro of tho little onos. Ho will Ho down on mako a pil low of himself for tho comfort of any child, and is caroful not to movo for fear of waking a sleeping infant Ho knows who has authority to romovo a child, and will not countonanco tho approach of any othors when a child Is loft to his caro. Two stcamors stop at tho town wharf, but Bob only goes to moot ono of thom. Ho scorns to keep a mental record of tho two nights during tho week on which his steamer is duo, and is always on hand to meet her, and boforo tho gang-plank is put out, Bob goo3 aboard. Ills first self-assumed duty is go ovor tho steamer and Inspect each of tho deck-hands, and if a strango ono is found ho spends considerable tlmo noar him and carofully sizes him up. After that ho novor forgots him. Ho noxt visits tho onglno-rooms, pays his respects to each of tho officers, goes to tho steward and Is fed. If tho ofllcors go to meals or ashoro. Bob takes up his post at tho gangway, and hero his most acuto por- coption is brought Into play. Passon gors or othors having business aboard aro grootod with a wag of tho tail and other demonstrations of satisfaction, but idlers aro glvon clearly to under stand that tho shore would bo tho safest place for thom. Tho steamor usually remains nt the Bonedict whnrf all night, though at tlmos sho goos up tho river after frolght, returning tho samo night. While oven tho passon gors aro seldom advised of tho designs of tho ofllcors as to tho steamor, Bob seems to havo an intuition as to when sho is going, nnd if It is tho intention to roturn to Benedict, ho will remain aboard; if not, ho goos ashoro. Not long sinco Bob started ashoro carrying a cholco bono. Boforo ho reached land ho saw several hungry looking curs waiting for him. Bob halted for n moment to commune with himself. Ho then stopped overboard, on reaching a place that suited him, dropping tho bono, which sank in about threo feet of water. Bob wont ashore, and an hour lator, when tho coast was clear, swam to tho spot, and nt tho first divo came up with tho bono. Whenever children aro playing noar tho water. Bob will bo found with his woather-oyo open, In caso tho re should bo an accident. Old ago Is beginning to toll on tho noblo dog, though ho still attends to his duties, and will go to tho field with anyone ho knows who goos Bhooting. Ho was a good flold dog in his day. Whon ho dios, ho will bo mourned by both young and old resi dents and visitors of Benedict. Balti more Sun. Dainty Cotton Fabrics. Tho markot is crowdod this season with tho prettiest of low-pricod dainty cotton fabrics, which willonablo womon with modorato pursos to dross charm ingly at llttlo oxponso, provided thoy make suitable soleotlons and make the fabrics up in simple stylos. Thoro nro sheer lawns Imported in lovoly tints iu monochroino, India and Fronoh mus lins, sprigged with bunchos of shaded vlolots, swfiot pons, or pink and whlto carnations, etc. Chambory fabrics are very lino and dolicnte, and those in boxos aro bountifully embroidered. Heliotrope, prlmroso and pink zophyr gingham, with whlto or tintod stripes, trimmed on tho bodico with loops and bowB of velvet ribbon. Palo-bluo, gray, and strawborry ginghams aro cool and frosh-looklng, and In Paris tho largo plaldod and chocked French ginghams are usod for boaoh and travolingdrossos, with jaunty bodico of plain gingham matching ono of tho colors in tho plaid. Tho skirts aro as stylishly adjusted as nsummor silk, and thoro aro bonnot or hat and parasol on sulto. N. Y. Post. Big Nosos In Japan. Tho prwonco In tho city of Loo Mapano, a Japanoso, whoso noso fur nishes him tho moans of earning a liveli hood Mr. Mnpauo bolug a smeller of tea recalls the fact that In Japan tho noso is tho only feature which nttraots nttentlon. Tho noso determines tho beauty or the ugllnoss of tho faco no cordlng as it is big or llttlo, This is probably duo to tho faot that ditToronco hi nosos constitutes about tho only dis tinction between ono Japanoso' faco and another. Tho oyos aro invariably black, tho ohook-bonos high and tho chin ro codlng. In Japan a lady who has a huge proboscis is alwayd n raging boautyanda roignlng bolle. Thoro nro fow largo nosos among tho natives, nnd lucky is ho or sho uponVhom nature lavishos ono. In all Japanoso pictures representing supposedly boautlful wom on tho artist turns himself loose on tho uoso. Kansas City Mines, Tondor-honrtod lady "You look worn out, poor man! Aro you HIP" Tramp (sighing heavily) "I couldn't bogln to toll you, mum, how I have suf fered from nourasthonla. But I think I could oat anothor pinto o' thom upple dumpling Tho black walnut troo will out a figure on our farms in tho future. It can bo mado as profitable as tho apple tree in localities whoro it will thrWout ulL ARAB FANATICISM. Frightful Seonot or Bn'f-Tortnre Wltne 1 In Algiers. After an Interval ono of tho playora was "Inspired by Aissa." With a yell ho throw asido his tambour, rushed into tho center of tho ring, commenc ing a frantic dance. Tho Makaddan (head of tho ordor) aroso, and taking his burnous from his shoulders en deavored to enfold tho now contorted brother therein, but with fearful vio lence tho other solzod It, wound It about his porson, tossed It over his head and stamped It undor his foot. Tho noise of tho drums grow loudor as tho subject bocamo more frantic. Wo clung to our seats In cold terror as the voice of our guldo camo to us In a calm whlspor: "No matter what hap pensonly koop cool; thoy will not harm you!" Now another has become "inspired." Tho monkey sorocms aro repeated again and again. There are two now throwing themselves In mani acal ecstasy; tho burnous is between them; n bunch of broom is thrown into tho ring; both struggle for it; botweou them It is lighted in tho furnace: tholr hands nnd arms aro thrust into tho flames; ono has also boizod a butmio of dry llax, has Ignited it, and to my horror I soo him press tho flaming mass to his bare chest and in to his opon mouth. Soon ho falls ex hausted and another tako3 his place. This one solzos a red-hot Iron from the firo; It burns his hair; smoko arises; I soo him draw his hands across It, and lay it on his foot, with yells and howls of pain; tho master carries him away and immediately anothor rushes for ward. I havo had enough and would leave tho torriblo scono; but this last fanatic fascinates mo. Ho is young and Doautiruuy built. Ills whlto "gan- doura" and bluo and gold jackot seem ono garment as ho whirls past mo into tno court, nair, arms, clothing, ono dizzy wholo. What will ho do what can ho do more than tho othors? There is a cactus plant growing in a jar in one corner of tho court, a species of prickly pear, with its tough loaves covored thickly with lonsr thorns. This ho soizos, as his wild danoo brings him In its vicinity. Tho woird music swells and fallsastho victim throws himself on tho ground besldo tho firo. Crouchins low boforo tho altar, ho placos his fore head on tho ground, and, this humili ated, ho ravenously devours tho thorny potals. As if this wore not enough, ho springs again to his foot, and seizing ono of tho pots of coals, ho twirls it about his hoad until tho surface is glowing rod. Tho Makaddan kneols bosido It. In a socond tho cruel dood Is done and wo soo tho gray impression of the boy's mikod foot upon tho red-hot firo, while ho is off and away with a cry of fiendish joy, and, unliko his prodocessor, ho takes his plaoo among his follows, apparently without pain. It was too dreadful, too uncanny, to recount tho spitted iron tfirust into tho llesh, the knottod cord, tho inrrod sword-blado. Ono would havo forced out his eye, but Moham med, by tho mouth of his servant Makaddan, forbids tho deed. Another throw hlnisoli upon a sworu anu a grey-haired man played with firo as if It were harmless as earth, Then came a murmur among tho spectators, tho first I had hoard, and tho word "scorpion!" fell upon my oar. Truly I had novor oxpectod to bohold that most torrible of reptiles, whoso stlng is instant death and whose touch is suro poison. But it was truo. Thoy brought them in an earthen vossol, and I must confoss that American curiosity got tho bettor of American manners, for "soo thom" wo would, and see thom we did. In color, a pale pink, in form long and narrow, with many logs and a squirming side wise motion llko a orab. Wo shivorod as tho things wore carried past; but horror of horrors was reached whon u lino, tall follow solzod tore it to pieces, and ono, foarlossly dovourod it bo Commcrcial Ad- foro our oyos. A. Y. vcrtiser. THE MEGALOMANIAC. Incupxlilo at luil;lii Ills Own Work, Ho HIlclitM tho I.Ivuh of Others. "Thoro is an immonslty of trick In all that Shakespeare wroto," said Wordsworth to Charlos Lamb. "Why, 1 could write as well as Shakospearo myself, if I only had tho mind to." "Yos," wittily repllod Lamb; "all you lack is tho mind." Wordsworth was a megalomaniac. It Is said that ho be lieved his doggerel poem, "Peter Bell," was as good as his incomparable "Ode on tho Intimations of Immortality." Liko many othors, ho was incapable of judging his own work. Every editor receUos countloss con tributions from contributors who are megalomaniacs, laboring undor tho de lusion that thoy aro groat Their ar ticles aro without originality, negligent of all grammatical restraints, and rad ically Indopoudentof tho spoiling book. And yet thoy think thoy can write; and thousands of odltors' regrets and whole stacks of rejected manuscripts can not undeceive thom. Novor a week passes but somo minis ter moots with a megalomaniac, who thinks ho could excel him as a preach er. Tho sovorest trials of tho family physician arise from tho superior wis dom of their patients, or perhaps tho good old aunts of their patients, who liavo somo pot horedlUiry theory which thoy bollovo Is bettor than tho doctor's. Tho modlcal megalomaniac is tho blight of every doctor's life. Yankee Illadc. A popular pootlKJglns a vorao with "Softer than ullouoo, stiller than still air;" and yet, as might bo supposed, this doas notdowlbe a man whoso wlfo hastalkud at him for four hours steady. JloclicsUr l)$t-Fjcpvess. I ALPINE FUNERALS. ynrcr cintomn Prevailing In tho Kcinote District of the Tyrol. In ono of tho most wonderful soenos of "Dor Gruono Helnrlch" Gottfried Kellor describes tho way In which funeral used to bo celebrated by wealthy peasants in remote country districts Tho mournful hush of tho first part of tho day, tho touching simplicity of tho religious service, tho sumptuous meal and heavy drinking that follow tho ro turn from church, and tho wild dunce that concludos tho day, are all dopictcd with a forco and vividness which has rarely boon equaled In modorn pict ures, and tho impression Is all tho grcator bocauso tho horror which breathes through tho wholo narrative is novcr allowed to dogenorate Into more disgust. Tho dance Is omitted In Upper Austria, but tho other practioos are perhaps oven more ghastly. In those districts it may almost bo said that ho funeral begins before tho death. As soon as any man or woman is supposed to bo in tho last agony, not only all nolghbors and friends, but porfect strangers, aro informed of tho fact and expected to pay a ceremonial visit. I he guests simply outer the sick room, take a long look at tho dying man, nnd go their ways. No prayer is said, hardly a word isspokon, yet oven tho chanco wayfarer who doclines to enter tho house of death on such occa sions is considered strangely heartless, After death tho stream of visitors ceases, but only for a short tlmo. As soon as tho body has been prepared for burial a long tablo is spread in tho room where it lies, and covered with wino, spirits and cold viands of ovory description, and hero opon houso is hold day and night till tho funeral starts for tho church yard. Whoovor comes, known or unknown, rich or poor, is not only allowed, but urged, to eat and drink as much as ho can. Be side tho ootlln at least two huge wax candles which havo been fotchod from tho church burn dimly, and noar thom two old women sit or kneel. Thoy aro paid for their services and supposod to pass thoir time In prayer. From time to tlmo thoy are reliovod by others, and thoy thon usually make a somewhat lengthened pause at tho table before going homo. After tho roturn of tho funeral tho chief mourner invites ovory ono who has attended it to a hot meal, which is as sumptuous as ho can afford, and which usually ends in hard drinli ing. Customs or this lcind aro not preva lent In Carinthia or upper Carniola; funerals aro thoro conducted with per lect quiet and (ipconey. lot in some observances ono may find either tho irerm or tho relic of much that shocks us in other districts. On tho whole. tho arrangements se;m to bo adjusted to tho prosont religious beliefs and re quirements of tho oonnnunity, and it is easy to soo how thoy might degonerato into such oxoesses as havo boon men tloned. A simple account of a funeral In Carinthia will show this better than any amount of abstract argu ment. As soon as tho body has boon placed in the ooflln and tho room put In order, the latter is thrown opon to all visit ors. In a Roman Catholic country it is natural that rich and poor should alike wish to say a few prnyors for tho soul of ono who has boon thoir friorid, thoir companion, or thoir bonofactor. Among the educated classos certain hours aro appointed for tho purposo; among tho poorer it is usual to keep the houso open day and night. Dur ing tho greater part of tho timo tho mournors pray silently, but at certain hours ono of tlioni ropoats aloud the prayers, in which tho othors join. On leaving tho room, each of tho visitors is offered a piece of broad find a glass of wine or spirits, and tho poor are apt to bo offended if tho offer is re fused. Among a hospitablo population this custom can not be considered strange, but it must bo confessed that, though tho refreshments aro usually consumod In porfoct sllonco, It is open to abuso. Boggars will come six or seven times in tho day for tho sako of tho dram with which tholr dovotious aro rewarded, and as it ofton happens that no member of tho family is pres ent, and as no ono would llko at such a season to bo guilty of an ungracious act, it Is vory difficult to keep a proper check on such persons. Saturday He- view. Advantages of the Silo. Evon though ensilage mado from In dian corn hius no more feeding value than tho samo amount of material dried Into good fodder, tho dlfilcuUios and oxponso of curing and caring for tho dried fodder aro such that ordinarUy tho silo Is preferable. Tho usual waste from feeding dry fodder Is very considerable, while for ensilage It need bo nono at all. Feed can bo more compactly socurod In tho silo than In any othor way. Husking, cribbing and grinding corn nro useless operations for tho most part, and are expensive nnd in a meas ure wasteful; nothing is added to tho vnluo of tho crop by any of those pro- cossos. For tho Northern corn bolt smaller varieties of corn will givo nearly or quite as much feedlug mntorlal as tho largo varlotles, with loss labor to han dle them. If tho farmer has not planted nny en silage corn ho can still uso his field crop for that purposo if ho desires to till a silo. Lastly, tho clovor crop, in my judg ment, la a very promising candldato for ensilage, and tho farmer who trios it for tho silo will bo well ploased with tho rosulU. Prof, Iltnry, in Breeders' Gazette. A MINUTE'S WORK. loino or the Thing That Can Do Done In Slit j-Second. "Well. well, don't fret: I'll bo there in a mlnuto." But, my friend, n mlnuto moans a good deal, notwithstanding you effect to hold It of no consequence, urn you evor stop to think what may happen in a ininuto? No. Woll. whilo you aro murdering a mlnuto for yourself and ono for me. before you get ready to sit down to tho business wo havo In hand. I will amuso you by telling you things that may happen meantime In a mlnuto wo shall be whirlod nround on tho outaido of tho earth by Its diurnal motion, a distance of thir teen miles. At the samo timo wo shall have gone along with tho earth, in Its grand journoy around tho siyi, 1,030 miles. Pretty quick travollng you say? Why. that is slow work compared with tho rate of travel of that ray of light which just now reflected from that mirror made you wink. A mlnuto ago that ray was 11,100,000 miles away In a minute, over all the world, about eighty new-born infants havo ouch raised a wail of protest at tho fates for thrusting existence upon them, whilo as many more human beings, weary with tho struggle of life, have opened their lips to utter tholr last sigh. In a minute tho lowost bound your oar can catch has been mado by 9!)0 vibrations, whilo tho highest tone reached you after making 2,228,000 vibrations. In a minute an express train goes a milo, and a Cloveland street car 82 rods; tho fastest trotting horso, 147 9-Hi rods, and an nvorago pedostrian of tho genus homo has got ovor 16 rods. In each minute in tho United States, night and day, all tho year round, twenty-four barrels of beor havo to go down 12,096 throats, and 4,830 bushels of grain have como to bin. If thoro wore a box kept at tho city hall In tho city of Cleveland into which every minute a sum sufficient to pay tho interest on tho city debt had to bo dropped, tho sum so dropped each minute of tho whole year would be eighty-seven cents. How about tho National financos? Woll, sir, in tho samo way, each min ute, night and day, by the official re ports for tho year 188G, tho United States collected $639 and spent $401. $178 more than necessary. Tho Interest on tho public debt was $96 a minute, or just exactly equal to tho amount of silver mined in that timo. Now, in tho residue of figures I givo. you will romembor that thoy represent so much for ovory mlnuto in tho year. All tho preceding figures should bo so considered. And romombor, also, that wo aro all tho time, hereafter, tilking about facts connected with tho whole United States. Tho telephone is usod 595 timos, thn telegraph 136 timos. Of tobacco, 92.) pounds is raised, and part of it been usod in making 6, G73 cigars, somo moro of it has irono up in ha and the smoke of 2,-92 cigarettes. But I am afraid that you will forgot that wo are talking about a minute, sixty seconds of time. No? Woll, thon, ovory minute 600 pounds of wool grow in this country, and we havo to dig sixty-one tons of anthracite coal and 200 tons of bituminous coal, while ol pig-iron we turn out twelve tons and of steel rails threo tons. In this minute you havo kept mo waiting fifteen kegs of nails havo been mado, twelve bales of cotton should havo como from the fields and thirty six bushels of grain gone into 149 gal lons of spirits, whilo 66 in gold should havo boon dug out of tho earth. In tho samo timo tho United States Mint turned out gold and silvor coin to tho value of $121, and forty-two acres of tho public domain havo been sold or given away. Cleveland 1'ress. Hearts That Are Always Young. A ploasant, cheerful, generous, chari- tablo-minded woman is never old. Hor heart is as young at sixty or sovonty as it was at eighteen or twonty; and they who aro old at sixty or sovonty aro not mado old by timo. Thoy aro mado old by tho ravages of passion, and foollngs of an unsocial and uugonorous nature, which havo cankered thoir minds, wrinkled thoir spirits and withered thoir souls. Thoy aro heartless, dull, cold, Indifferent; thoy want the woU sprlng of youthful affection, which is always cheorful, always active, always engaged in somo labor of love that is calculated to promote and distribute enjoyment There is an old age of tho heart that is possessod by many who havo no suspicion that there Is auv thing old about thom, and there is a youth which novor grows old, a lovor who Is ovor a boy, a Psycho who is ever a girl. N. Y. Ledger. An Atrocious Memory. Tho conversation had turned on the husband's shortcomings. "1 ou havo a bad memory, Maria an atrocious memory, ' said tho hus band, wrathfully. "A bad momory, John?" repllod tho wlfo. "how can you say so? You kuow I novor forgot any thing, and you know ovory word 1 havo said of you Is truo. There Isn't n woman allvo with a moro acccurato momory than mlno." "That's tho trouble with It, Maria," replied John, as ho jammod his hat down ovor his oyos and started down town through tho poltln? rain, "you remember millions and millions of tilings you ought to forget Darn such a memory!" Chicago Tribune. "Are thoro too many doctors?" asks an exchange. No, thore aro not half enough, but thoro nro too many men pretending to be doctors who ure I PUNGENT PARAGRAPHS. Said a rich man on tho evo of de parting this life, tho othor day : "Do not let my son bo brought up to sit in a club window." Boston Gazette. Tho Phrenological Journal says: "In choosing a wlfo, bo governod by her chin." A man is apt to bo gor orncd by the samo thing after ho gota a wife. Indiana Farmer. Judge "You say you waut a di vorco from your wife?" "Yes, If your honor ploaso." "But reflect for a mo ment that you havo lived together nearly half a century." "Woll, haven't I suiferod long enough?" Texas Sil ings. Smlthers "Miss Parkor sings much bottar than sho used to. Hor courso at tho Conservatoire has Im proved hor considerably." Wilkins "Improvod? Well, I should say sol Shek'.nws whon to stop now." or pcr's Bazar. "Young man," he said, "why don't you givo up this lifo of Idleness and luxury and try to make a name for yourself?" "Twy and mako a name for myself? Why, my deah sir, my lit tle Elfish foxhound 'took tho first . pwizoat the dog show, B'jove!" If. Y. Sun. "Have you seen Mrs. H.'s now dia monds?" quoriod a fem.vlo caller of her friend. "Yos, indocd, and I should think sho would-be ashamed of thom. They aro not largor than peas, and did you notico the flaws In both of thom as big in hickory nuts?" Elmira Gazette. Clara (oxhibiting photograph) "Uow do you liko it?" Hattio "It's perfoctly lovely." "You think it a good llkonoss?" "O, no; It' doesn't look a partlclo llko you, you know; but I wouldn't mind that, Clara; you are not likely to havo such luok again if you sat a thousand timos." Boston Transcript. An American tramp foil from a ferry boat tho other day, and by the tlmo ho was rescued ho was washod so clean ho was ashamed of himself and slunk away to a lumber-yard to wait for pitying night to hido him. If he will just go to somo mountain resort that advortisos "no dust" ho will soon look liko his old solf. liurdclte. "No," said tho housemaid, "1 don't apologize to a man when 1 throw a bucket of water down tho front steps to wash 'om and ho corao3 along and gets dronchod. I'vo tried apologizing, but I've found thoro's nothing you can say to a man in that caso that will satisfy him." Scranlon Truth. Mamma (to daughter) "Did ht propose?" Daughter "No, but ho dii the next best tiling to it" Mamma "What do you moan?" Daughter "Ik kissod mo and squeezed my waist, ani Mary and Tommy saw him. "Mam ma "Got your things on at once, mj darling. Wo can get down to Mr. Brief's before the courts closo if Are hurry." Town Topics. Reporter (to statesman) "Will you bo a candidate for " States man "Excuse mo, young man, but 1 havo nothing to say, I am entirely k tho hands of my friends." Roportor "Do you think that your health is sulliciontly robust to under " States man "Nothing to say, young man, nothing to say. My health is also in tho hands of my friends." Epoch. "Tommy," said tho old geutloman. stonily, "1 undorstimd that you wert hanging about tho polo grounds this afternoon, instead of boing at school. I won't have you wasting your timo iu that way. What on earth could you see or hear by pooking through a knot hole in tho fence?" "I could soo you, pa," respondod Tommy, "sottln' on the gran' stand, an' shoutln' "Good boy, Danny!" Tid-Bits. CHINA'S STATE PAPERS. Itemarkiihly Ablo Documents AVrittcn I tho Sloit Perfect Stylo. A writer In tho Chinese Times, ol Tientsin, discussing the contents of the Pckin Gazette, says that tho usual docu ments are remarkable. Tho imperial proclamations ospocially aro always composed in tho finest stylo, and it often happons that papers of moment "aro written with extromo boatity and perfection of composition, vivid with grace and majesty of languago." Evon In tho minor reports theso rare merits are to bo soon in tho closenoss of stylo, fitnossof expression, cloarness and con densation; and whoro analysis, or reasoning, or prociso judgmont is to be presonted, tho papors show tho hands of masterly writers. Tho extreme di versity of tho papors is what would strike tho mind of a foreign Inquirer; somo treat of high politics and of great ovonts; othors deal with crimes, ques tions of disputed inhorltinco; others again are tho reports of commissioners appointed to investigate tho conduot ol high officials In tho provinces, und those show "rare analytical power, mastery of detiil, and untiring labor." The writer thinks that, judging of what Is known of "slow ways, tho enforced secrecy, circumlocution, and official and personal inlluoucos ofton brought to boar at homo, tho methods of China nre In somo ways moro direct, oxpodltlous, and fair, as far as tho indication of justice is concornod." Tho translations which are published are those mado at tho British logatlon at Pokln, and wore originally undertaken by tho direction of Sir trodorlck Bruco. At first, Sir Thomas Wndo was tho translator, nnrj, ho was succooded by tho Into M Mayors. In reference to theso transli tlons, the writer ulready quoted says that thoy aro of high and uniform ox- oollonco. and that Mr. Mayor's transla tions of tho "lino dispatches of Tso Tsuug-tang, concerning tho long and arduous campaigns in the northwest, are, as military narrations, scarcely In ferior to tho descriptions of battles und operations of war by Sir WilUfun Na-pter." vmU Philadelphia Inquirer.