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About The Oregon scout. (Union, Union County, Or.) 188?-1918 | View Entire Issue (Oct. 14, 1887)
OREGON SCOUT. JOKES & CHABTCEY, FabKahers. OF GENERAL INTEREST. Smoking has boon completely for- "bidden on any part of Cincinnati's liorso cars. The Now York Evening Post fig- urea Uio cost of labor strikes for tlio last year at 10,000,000. A lady being questioned in court tho other day as to why slio bad changed her religion, stilted she had done so because, being separated from lior husband, she determined to avoid meeting him in the next world. Columbus, Ga., is the only city in the South that has no morning news paper. Persistent lovers thero do not liavo to bribe the carrier; if they maku it square with tlio milkman they can Btay till it is almost time for breakfast. b'oincrvillc Journal. Jonauian lfoiistiii, a ragged old man, of Decatur, Ind.. died recently, mid the authorities ordered his clothes 1o bo burned. Uefore tlio order was carried out the rags were examined, and $200 in currency and $4,300 in cer tificates of deposit to Uio Adams Coun ty Hank were found. Lovers of the waltz may celebrate itfi centenary. Iho lust dance which - could be described as a waltz was in troduced to the public in an opera at Vienna in 1787 by one Vieento Martin y Solar (commonly called Martini lo Spagnnolo), who was a popular com poser at the court of Joseph II. , A water-rat weighing probably more than two pounds was seen to go to a brood of chickens and seize one. The hen chased the rat and a desperate Hml ensued, the hen eventually sue eceding in killing it foe and rescuing tlio chicken. Tlio latter appeared little the worse for its strange experience. In Tangipahoa Parish, La., is an organization called tho "White Horse men." Tlio members wear white masks and whito uniforms, cover their liorses with white cloths, and dovntw considerable attention to negroes who nro suspected of stealing. Tho last one they whipped had just robbed a smokehouse. Tho haekmcn of Victoria, British Columbia, subscribed $100 toward the celebration of tlio Queen's jubilee at that placo, but tlio hack ordinance was 'published in the Colonist, and thoy as Hcrtod that this, by apprising visitors of their rights, reduced the huckiueii's profits, and they refused to pay tho nionej' subscribed, According to an analysis made by a. chemist in tlio employ of the New York 11'orW only twentv-six per cent. of the milk sold in that city is adulter- ntod by tlio sellers. It is the retailer and Uio hotel and restaurant people who givo it that pale blue tint so familiar to iUl who have the hardihood to call for a ghiHS. Detroit Free Press. Ida Holes, who works nt a Reading hotel, arose the other morning with a slinging sensation in Iter head, fol lowed by n terrible headache. She went to a physician, who removed from Jior ear an ugly-looking night bug, about one-third of an-inch long. The insect was one of the bugs often seen Hying in tho vicinity of strong lights at flight. FINE TABLE LINEN. Kemattfiil DohIkhh Wrought Upon tlio Mont Kxiilltu Fiilirli'K. 'All tho uptown people have their wn ideas regarding their table linen," said a well-known dealer recently. "Nearly all the foreign countries niuu wfncttiro talilo linen, and there is some mrulo in this country, but there is a marked dilforoneo between tho Scotch, Irish, Dresden, (.Ionium and French lotiis, which are considered tlio best grades. Tlio dill'erence is not only in texture, but In pattern. The French loth is most fashionable. It dill'ers from the others in being of much lighter texture and more elaborate decoration. Almost all tho cloths have liirgo center-pieces. Two favorite patterns nro the l'oin peiiun and the Pois Medina. Tho con tor of tho llrst is tilled in witli large tMjuaro blocks and the bonier surround Jug It is of triangles. TJio second is omposed of medium sized balls and a "bonier of larger balls, around which ro twined myrtle leaves. Another much-used pattern is tlio Caprice, -which has a perfectly plain center and is surrounded by large llowers. One f Uio most expensive patterns is tlio Jlirondolles. This linen is beautifully mnrked. Tho border is a design of rocks out of which are growing cat tails, while in the center are small nwallows. The birds are exquisitely wrought. The feathers on (heir wings urn so truo to naturo as to stand out in u Unify mass. Tho cost of a set of those, including a tablecloth and a dozen napkins, reaches ouo hundred dollars. In so nio instances the linen Is cm Im.ldored, and this increases the price fourteen or llfteou dollars. A late craze is for cipher monograms, ami nearly nil the linen sent out isoinbrold ored in that way. Some of the larger families still stick to monograms, while others of tho older stock insist upon having their cont.s-of-arins embroidered Jicivoii. Tho best French tablecloths ami napkins nro nearly all woven at Slerrc, In Franco. Tho work is done entirely by hand. The llax from which Uiu linens nro woven comes mostly from tho neighborhood of Coutnil In Flanders, whuro a lino variety Is raised. It is so long ami slender as to require support whllo growing. A". '. Midi mud Express. TROUBLES OF TOURISTS. The ninlcultlcn In tho Way of Obtaining it Tarcct In Naples. Lot us supposo that on reaching homo tho visitor hears that a parcel from Knglatul awaits him at the rail way station. Unablo to go himself, ho sends his servant with the money, the official receipt, and a written request to tho station master to hand the parcel to tlio bearer. That ought to sullicc, ho thinks; but no one accustomed to Neapolitan ways will be surprised to learn that it does not. The bearer of the note is unknown personally to tho station master, and lie must be idonti lied. Fortunately this is not a difficult task, and a mutual acquaintance is un earthed close by. Hut a now difficulty is at onco forthcoming. Tin; parcel is declared to bo of valuo, (though ob viously only a suit of clothes,) and tho signer must cither present himself in person or appoint nu accredited agent to deliver tho parcel at his house. Next day, accordingly, the signor pre sents himself; but hero again identifi cation is required, and this time it is attended with so much trouble that in disgust ho accepts tho services of an accredited agent. Tho following day this gentleman presents himself with tho parcel, and the satis faction is tempered by the little account produced with it. There is, first of all, the cost of tlio carriage; then tho ordinary customs; then the town dues; then a charge for every day that it has been lying at the sta tion; then tho agents charge, his tram, an extra sou or two because it is warm day, and .a glass of wine to wash it all down. On the next occa sion when a parcel is sent from En gland, our visitor determines that it shall not bo sent as a thing of value, and that it shall take its chance, but only to find that it makes nodilfcrenee. A now set of excuses is framed, and it is not until tho authority has made his little profit tiiat the parcel reaches its destination.. Wo have ourselves never yet been a bio to discover whether this is legalized or illegal robbery, but on one occasion wo endeavored to escape the blackmailing by directing the par cel to bo sent on by post. This was no advantage; the gain appeared to be transferred from the station-master to' postmaster, though perhaps they went halve. This latter was almost a gen tleman in appearance, but he was not above accepting an extra three sous, which the steepness or the lull tnul given him the excuse to ask for. Mur rms Magazine. THE TYPICAL AUSTRALIAN. IIonpltiilltT of tho Well-to-Do (Iriizlera or StiinittrrH of tho Antlpoilrit. No man is more hospitable than the well-to-do Australian. A visitor arriv ing well introduced will bo passed on from villa to villa, from country house to country house, and from run to run, sharing everywhere the most profuse kindness. In a few weeks he will hardly know who first started him on the progress he Is making. I hers is little snobbery in tho eoun- try but as most of the people are ".self made," the piirvenu is, of course, not an unknown personage, though the cin'uinstancesof the country and of the people prevent him or her becoming iiuto so objectionable as he or Hie would be in an older condition of so ciety. I ho squattors or graziers are die aristocrats of the country, though some of the successful of them have been butchers and drovers, possibly even of humbler or less reputable antecedents. They are imbued with extremely terri torial instincts, anil will refer to the small farmer, "who selects" under the colonial land laws a bit of the run he leases from tho (lovoruinont, or the ir revorontia! gold digger, as an English 'squiro would speak of a poacher, or a many-acred peer of tho "city man" who builds a "snug box" overlooking his park wall. et while tho hnglish 'squire is liko- ly to talk of every thing rather than of his rent roll or the balance he has at Iho banker's, the squatter will hardly fall to tell his visitor of what he has got last summer for his wool, or what lie expects to get this winter for the fatoon which are grazing in the pret ty but roughly kept paddock you can wo from tlio veranda surrounding the country house, which he built when he ijot beyond the "hut" stage of brush struggling existence. Iho ladies are well educated, but though charming company for a visit or they are as a rule somewhat "loud" mil inclined to exact the utmost defer- Mice from all the male world around '.hum and to repay it by as little vener ition as possible, Nobody awes them, s are the mistresses so are the maids, vho have much of the pertness of such fining persons, as exhibited in plays mil on the stage generally. Lountries rftho Worhl. Ho Took It Coolly. A Chicago traveler tells the follow ng on a Philadelphia man : lhev Mere sitting together on the front steps of tho Philadelphia man's residence when a tiro engine dashed by, leaving in its wako a train of smoke and sparks. Horses and wagons were turned nut to tho curb with as much speed and dexterity as could be com manded, to make room for the big horses as they dashed down the street. In a few minutes a hose reel enino hur rying down, tho horses fairly leaping to reach the conflagration which was now reddening tho sky. Next tho hook ind ladder wagon eamo thundering town tho street. The Philadelphia man wntuhod it till It was out of sight and then turning to his companion quietly roni'M'ked "There must bo n lire soniouhurc" - MeixmU TiruvciV- THE PITCHER'S ARM. A New I'll stologlcat Development for llniu Hull rerlLrmnt-H. A now plrysiological development hat Conio from tho introduction of modern curvo pitching, and is known as the "pitcher's arm." Just as scrivener's paralysis is produced by using certain muscles in excess, tho pitcher' a arm is tiio result of tlio peculiar motion which tlio modern pitcher uses to give the ball that long-doubted twist which alone seems able to strike out the op posing batsman aud earn the pitcher's salary. Dr. Lcuf, of Philadelphia, discusses this subject in a manner deserving the attention of all present base ball lights and of tho more j-outhful aspirants for tlio future. Dr. Lctif estimates that a pitclu r averages about one-hundred and eighty pitches in a game, in each of which the ball is delivered with almost all possiblo speed. With tlio manner of producing tlio curvo tho readers of tlio Sun are already familiar, but the special muscles engaged and affected by tho process of curving are so lucidly discoursed upon by Dr. Lcuf that we will follow his'words in their most im portant bearing. IIo defines the seats of trouble when the incurve, tho out- curve, the down-curve, and tho up curve liavo been resorted to in excess, as follows: Tlio in-curvo calls into action most particularly the pectoralis major, tin biceps brachialis antieus, and flexor? of the forearm. The outrourve affects Uio pectoralis major, coraeo-braehialis. infraspinatus, teres minor, and ulnar muscles. The down-curve strains most especially tho pectoralis major, trapez ius, deltoid, and serratus inagnus. The up-curvo is mostly caused by the pectoralis major, biceps, and supinator brovis. If Larry Corcoran iiad but known that his trouble lay in the ooruoo-bra- challis, or in his infraspinatus, wouldn't he have dropped his outcurvr like a hot potato until tho crumbling foundation of his fame and fortune had got well? The up-curvo also strains tho lattissi- musdorsi. All curves strain the elbow Joint and tend to separate the ratlin and the capitolluni of the humerus, l'he constant necessity for quick twist.' of the elbow have a particular unfor tunate effect upon the brachialis audcu.s AIks for the brachialis! Dr. Lcuf maintains that the bones of a pitcher's arm may be seriously affected. The constant strain upoi tho bono by the pulling tendons pro duces inflammation and calcareous do posits, and the periiuteum being pulled about hypertrophy of tho subjacent bone follows. .These are only tins principal points of Dr. Loufs thesis. In regard t. treatment, regular exereiso is-recom mended. Do not pitch too swiftly whei you have an "olf day;" when you do not feel able to do yourself justice, don't try to pitch hard. Let youi average be less considered than youi arm, but to be in good form a pitchei must practice about an hour morning and afternoon, Sundays included. All exercise must be taken in the sun. If the thermometer is below sixty vigor ous pitching is riskv, and the danger increases as tho temperature falls. .Never use liniments, lliey are no rood. Hubbinir is bad, too. Hot water is jrood, as is also mild galvan ism. Alas, how many famous arms are now comparatively quiet, and their owners no longer figures lor populai admiration on account of a "pitcher's arm. How many brilliant reputa tions have been ruined through the ignorance of or contempt for facts and principles which Dr. Lcuf lays down witli such experienced authority. Let us trust that his precepts will bo heeded. In that case the ball field now so strewn with the wrecks of twirlors may be trod by an unbroken list of capable and unsluggiiblo pitch ers, each with sound arms aud a salary of $10,000 a year. .V. Y. Sun. A Ball Club Manager's Lot. The life of a base ball manager is n strange one. if his team is winning right along lie is left alone, and what ever credit there may be goes to tin team. If his team commences to lost he is blamed and the team excused fm the poor work. Last season, notwith standing the most determined elforts, I was unable to get a winning team to gether, and was criticised severely by press and public. This year, through n combination of good luck, 1 gathered a good team, and now the credit goes to the team aud not to me. It is true in mind is easy, as the press can not criti cise me, but the credit of gathering a winning team is never given, although the team, as such, engrosses tho atten tion of press aud public. Surely a base bull manager's ttik is a thankles? una. Manager Hitmen, in Jiidtinwn Sun- n i Hints for Pall-Bearers. When a man is asked to act as a pall-bimrorat a funeral he ought to seek out tho other pall-bearers before they assume their crape and their mournful air, and practice the lock-Mop with them for an hour or so, or at least until he can bo confident that thoy are going to keep step when they lift up tho cof tin ami start off with It. 1 was a pall bearer recently, aud my arms and knees pain mu now with tlio recollec tion. When a party of pall-bearei take up a cofllu aud step out of time, tho weight coined principally upon the two end bearers, and it is no easy thing for two men to sustain by tho shiiri handles of a collln tho weight of the onskot Itself and the, uorpso within, St- Louis Globc-IkmOiriL TORNADOES- AND CYCLONES. Tho Dlnorenco In tho Vonmitloii of Tor-naUo-Whlrl nml Whirl iVlucU. When the conditions of atmospheric instability have given birth to n tor nado, tho fact is announced to tho ob server by a sudden gathering of dark, swift-whirling clouds, from which de pend a writhing, serpout-liko body formed of condensed vapor. This writhing column extends rapidly downward until it touches tho cardi. When it attains the surface it becomes audible from tlio violent rending ac tions which it creates upon that sur face. As soon ns iho whirl is created it begins to move away generally toward the northeast for tho evident reason that the upper c.old layer f air against which it originates lias, in the iu rtheru hemisphere, a movement in that direction. In its patli over the surface the circling movement of the writhing air and tho sucking action of tho partial vacuum in tlio central por tion of tho shaft combine to bring about an cxtrenio devastation. On tlio outside of the whirl the air, which rushes in a circling path toward tho vortex, overturns all movable objects, and in the conter theso objects, if not too heavy, arc sucked up as by a great air-punip. Thus tho roofs of houses bodies of men and animals may bo lifted to great elevations, until they aro tossed by the tumultuous move ments beyond the limits of the ascend ing currrenfs and fall upon the earth. Whoro tho center of the whirlwind passes over a building the sudden de crease in tlio pressure of tho outer air often causes the atmosphere which is contained within the walls suddenly to press against the sides of the struct ure, so that these sides are quickly drivon outward as if by a charge of gunpowder. It is not unlikely that the diminution of pressure brought about 1y tlio .passage of the interior of tho whirl over a building may be about as much as is indicated by the fall of four inches in the barometer. This is equivalent to a change In the pressure amounting to nbout three hundred pounds to the f-quaro foot. This force operates to burst out the walls of a building. It is not improbable that the diminution of pressuru may be much greater than this, but even tho amount named is sulUcient to account for tho bursting out of the frail-walled structures which these devastating movements encounter in thu western parts of tho United Slates. Tho way in which theso tornado whirls aro formed dill'ers in certain es soin ial particulars from the way in which whirlwinds tire created, as has been well shown by Prof. Kerrel. The most important points of difference are as follows: The dust-whirls are duo to the boating of a thin layer of air next the ground. Tho small mass of this layer prevents its upward whirling from bringing about any powerful movements of the atmosphere. I'i tlio tornado the heat of tho lower air has dilfcront origin. When a cyclone passes over the surface of the country, certain peculiar movements of the at mosphere which it produces bring largo volumes 'of the wariB aud moist ened air to the earth's surface and overlay them by a cool stratum. This layer of warm, moist air tends to rise up for Iho same reason that the thin layor of dry air which forms tlio dust whirl is inipoloil upward, but on ac count of .its groat mass the intensity of the upward lirgenee is far grcatcV. In the sand-whirl tlio upward motion be gins closu to the earth's surface, for tho reason that tho stratum which is inipoloil upward is very thin, but in tho tornado the stratum of heated air is usually about a thousand feet thick; therefore its whirling action naturally originates at the up per surface of the hot layor. for it is at that point tho upward motion begins. Starting in this upper region, the whirl extends progressively downward, just as in tlio bath-tub tlio whirl extends progressively upward from tho point at which tho motion originated, until the wind may touch the surface of the earth. When these whirls begin they only involve a small part of the air about the point of origin, and so the acquired velocity of tlio particles when they coino to thu center is not great, but gradually they suck air from far ther and tardier away. A the field of supply becomes larger, aud the par ticles move from a greater distance, they approach that center with greater peed, aud the spiral widens and turns with accelerated velocity. Fortunately tho paths of tornadoes are ordinarily very narrow the wid est have a diamotor of loss than two miles; die narrowest of only forty feet. In most cases a tornado is seriously destructive over a width not' exceed ing five hundred feet. Tho length if tho tornado's path across the country does njjt commonly exceed thirty miles, and it gouerally traverses the distance iu about an hour. When die upward corkscrew motion of tlio outer part of the spiral and tho swifter uprush of die air through the central shaft have drained awav tho most of the warm air which gave- birth to the motion, tho tornado dies away. The iquiUlu'iiuu of thu air-masses is for a dine restored, tho heavier air has fal len down upon the surface, and the warm air, spreading literally as it at tains the level to which It tends, conios Into a statu of quiet. Assuming the width of the destruction brought about by the storm at six hundred feet, and tho length of its jnurnoy at thirty miles, wo find that thu area of its de vastation amounts to abuutwo thou sand acres, or to a square area about two mites on a side. Over this aroa tho destruction Is ordinarily mora com pinto limn dint which occurs in the most severe earthquake. .V. S. SAiter, tn Scrtbicr'i MugaMtut. THE WORLD'S BIG GUNS. Soino of tho Monter Unlit for tlio Shlpt anil ForM of Foreign Powers. The progress of thirlyyears in con structing Ii avo guns has boon' extraor dinary, 'fiic largest pieces found oi war ve-s -Is i i 18G0 throw a ball weigh ing sixty-ei- lit pounds, with nn init a Velocity of 1,570 feet per second am an energy of 1,100 foot tons. Now initial velocities in high-power gun have been increased to 2.100 foot; pro jectiles at. tiio maximum weight a 2.300 pounds, and iu some cases an piopelod by charges of nearly half n ton of powder, whilo tho 110-ton gum of tho Hen How reach an energy ol about CO 000 foot tons. Passing over tho triumphs obtained by intermediate calibers, which wen remarkablo in their day, we find that tho largest French steel guns, such a are used for the armament of tin Terrible, completed a't Hrest, tin Heqiiin, built at Hordeaux, th Indomitable, built at L" Orient, and the Caiman, finished at Toulon, w eigh each about seventy-six tons. They deliver a projectile weighing 1,710 pounds, with a muzzlo velocity of 1.739 feet per second, and a muzzle energy of 30.000 foot tons. Tlio guns aro rifled breechloader-?. Thu French have other powerful guns, those constructed on the Hango system being well known. Thu Armstrong gnu now mounted for service in the Italian armor-clad-Dtiiliou, Dandolo, Italia and Lopanto weigh 100 tons each, and throw a pro jectile of 2,000 pounds. Theso have long been familiar, but tlio la ci breach-loading guns aro improvement over the early muzzle loaders. Tie most powerful of them take a powdei ehargo of about 772 pound, and have an initial velocity of 1.835 feet pel second and a muzzle energy of 51.0)1 foot tons. Guns of 105 tons have als been made at Elswick for the Frances co Lauria, the Andrea D nn and the Morosiui. In these the weight of the charge is 90) pound, the wuiglit of the projectile 2.000 pounds, the nuizz'e velocity 2,019 feet per secoud.lho muz zlo energy 5(!,5i7 foot tons. These will undoubtedly prove most formida ble weapons. The largest Krupp gun weighs near ly 119 tons. It is over 4(5 feet long, has a caliber of In inch.is, and fires a shot weighing 2 31 1 pounds, with a muzzlo velocity of 1.800 feet. The maximum elevation gives it a range of nearly 7.V miles. Its power of pene tration into wrought iron is estimated at about 41 inches at tho muzzle, 21 inches at the distance of 1. 100 yards, and 30 inches at 300 yards. At the distance of 3 miles its striking avcrniro i s ill about 28,030 foot tons. The Italians have two of those guns mount ed in a shore battory, for which pur pose they are intended. The K iglish 110-ton gun. manufact ured at Ivswiek, is about H feet long, and its actual weight 217,785 pounds. The screw block, removed iu loading, weighs 2 tons. Tho pr j"ctile i a bolt weighing 1.800 pounds, and 10 inches in diameter. With 850 j oin (K of powder the actual muzzle velocity attained was 2.078 feet, and tho muz zlo energy 31 000 foot tons; so that with 950 pounds, which tho gnu is con structed to use, an energy on tho pro jectile of G2 700 foot tons is ex pected. The recoil of the gun is very small. The Hritish also liavo a powerful new gun iu their 63- ton steel breechloader, which will bo car ried on the Ito Inoy. It is expected to throw 13-iiich shot, of 1,2)0 pounds, with a powih r char -o of 580 pounds, and to attain 2,100 feet, muzzle velocity. S'lO'ild theso expectations be realized, this gii'i, though much lighter, will bo. more destructive than the 80-ton gun of the Indexible, vdiicli takes apr jeciilo of 1.70J pouudsw'ith a cartridge of 450 pounds, reaching a muzzle velocity of 1 GOO feet. It is said that the next stop at tempted in hoavy gun construction will bo that of a 150-ton monster, this ptvjoet being attributed to the Essen works. It would throw a shell six feet long, weighing a ton and a half. There are a'so some guns under con struction which are oxpooto 1 to ac complish great results on somewhat now theories, as in the case of the one manufactured for Colonel Hope. Tills is to take an enormous powder charge, and to have, correspondingly great penetrative clfct. Hit without going into the possible successes of tho future, thoso which have already been achieved aro sufficiently astonishing. .V. Y. Sun. In tho Whito mountains thero is a great ravine known as "Tho (Julf of Mexico," where the snow lies unmelt ed far into tho summer. 'Frederick Levitt, a young Hostonian, being am bition, to tako a snow slido on the Fourth of July, wont to the top of the snow bank iu tho ravine, and started to slido down. Tho snow was so hard and slippory he could not control his speed, and was thrown headlong over tho jagged rocks and fell a distancco of one hundred and twonty foot, Ho was badly Injured; but, strange to say, not a limb was broken, and it was thought that ho might rooovor. X Y. Ledger. A woo young lady of about three years, who livos on the North Side, has a brother who has arrived at tho period of cigarettes and slang,, and w hoso ex pressions aro quickly caught up by the little girl. Sho was very much put out by tho rain, which continued for sev eral days early In thu mouth, and one day sho sorrow fully asked her mother, "Mntmun. who makes It wainP" He tng told that It was God, sho snid: "In my prayers to-night. luttinmn, I shall ask Dod to turn ofll" CJticugo TVii. une. HUMOROUS. Cold Comfort "Has tho trail started?" asked a belated passenger, as he rushed up to tho station at Bridgeport. "Yes," answered a benevolent-looking ol I lady, "but it will stop at New Haven." "I want to be an angel." sang a female voice in a side room; and, there upon, a heartless wretch in an adjoin ing apartment broko fordi witli: "Johnnie, get your gun, get your gun, gun gun." Boston Transcript. City Girl "Arc Uiofo great strong cows over there yours, sir?" Farmer "Yes, iiium"; and they aro tho strongest iu this section." City girl "Then you must be the man that makes that awfully strong butter, ain't you?" The Result of Tight Lacing. There Is a young girl out nt Do, Do, J And her l-ioks thoy were salil to oe so, so; j Hut sho sjollt liur dear faeo Uy her corset's tlfjht laco Anil now sho can get nary beau beau. -SpringJield Jlcpublican. "My dear old friend, how wcro you able to acquire such an im mense fortune?" "By a very simplo method." "What method is that?" "When I was poor 1 in ado out that I was rich, and when 1 got rich I niado out that I was pcor." Texas Siflinqs. Lawyer (to his client) "Did you ever try to settle this matter with tho plaintiff?" Client "Yes, I did all I could to settle it." Lawyer" What did lie say?" Client "Ho told me to go to the devil." Lawyer " Well, what did you do then?" Client "Why, then I came to you!" JV. Yy Ledger. "Excuse me, sir," he said, "but you are Miniething of a reading man, are you not?" "O, yes, sir. I often read half the night through." '1 thought so. I am .seldom mistaken iu judging character. You have a pas sion for literature, I suppose?" "Not exactly; I'm a proof-reairer." X. Y. Sun. Professor "To-day you made another spectacle of yourself. I am much displeased witli you aril wish to remark that to-morrow I will punish all of you severely unless you are so quiet that a mouse can lie heard to run across the lloor." A Scholar "If you please, professor, shall 1 bring a mouse with me iu the morning. Tid-Ilits. Boarding-House French. Mrs. A. (who is taking French lessons). "Now, Bridget, whvn Prof. Hlanquu comes you must say Entrcz' to him, and ho will know what you mean and coino into the parlor." (The bell 'rings, and Bridget goes to the door. It is tho professor). "Ontario," says Bridget. "Wud ye walk into the pairler. sir?" (The professor walked in and Bridget reported her triumph to the cook.) Harpers Itazar. HEi MISCELLANEOUS. Thompson "Jones seems to bo very popular. I wonder what's tho reason?" Johnson "It's all duo to the way he greets a man." "Yes?" "Nine times out of ten he says: 'Let's have something.' " Pittsburgh Dis paleh. The Norfolk News tells of a young man named Charles Swedenburg who is charged with stealing fifty-two dol lars from his widowed mother. He has not 1)0011 examined. IIo can never bo successfully examined without the aid of a microscope. A beautiful geyser has belched forth at the Upper Basin, near Mam moth Hot Springs, Wyoming. It throws a stream into the air 150 feet in height. It is located two hundred yards front the Spasmatie, and is one of tho grand eat on the formation. "Jenkins "Don't you enjoy tho conversation of Blufkins? I tiling him an illimitable talker." Smith "O, yes, 1 like it; but there is one thing ho can't do that I would enjoy much more." J. "What is that?" S. "Keep his mouth shut." Boston liudgct. Quito a number of persons crossed tho Arkansas river tho other day :t Garden City to see a herd of buffalo now grazing on the prairies. There are about thirty young calves and one or two cows in the herd. The owner intends making an effort to cross them with domestic cattle. To Regulate THE FAVORITE HOME REMEDY l warranted not to contain a tingle par ticle or Mercury or anv injurious sub- I tUDCe, but lit JMirt'ly vegetable It will Cure all Diseases caused by Derangement of the Liver, Kidneys and Stomach. If your Liver is out of order, then your whole syMein is deranged. The blood is impure, the breath offcnsire you have headache, feel languid, dispirited and nervous. To prevent a more serious con dition, take at once Simmons LIVER REGULATOR. If you lead sedentary life, or suffer with, KiliuV AnVctloim. avoid stimulants and take Simmons Liver Regulator. Sure to relieve. If you have eaten anything hard of digestion, or feel heavy after meals or sleepless at night, take a dose and you will feel relieved and sleep pleasantly. If you are a miserable sufferer with Constipation, I)j-nm)sIu and llllloilNitPKM, serk relief at once iu Simmtns Liver Regulator. It docs not require continual dosing, and costs but a tiillc. It v. ill cure you. If you wake up in the morning with a bitter, bad taste iu your mouth. Simmons IJver Regulator. It cor rects the llilious Stomach, sweetens the lireath. and cleanses Ux Furred Tongue. Children often need some safe Cathar tic and Tonic to avert approaching sickness Simmons Liver Regulator v. ill relieve Cetit, llcad tche. Sick Stomach, Indigestion, Dysentery, aud the Complaints incident to Childhood. At any time you feel your system needs cleansing, toning, regulating v. ithout violc.it purging, or stimulating wilheut Intoxi. eating, take Bimmons Liver Rsgulaior. PREPARED BY v. H. ZEIUN & C0.t Philadelphia, Pa. rmcK, si.oo.