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About The Oregon scout. (Union, Union County, Or.) 188?-1918 | View Entire Issue (April 2, 1887)
Devoted to tho Intereit of Fanners and
Tho best crop of potatoes Hint I
have ever seen have invariably been
planted on soils varying between n
sandy and a clay loam. On heavy
land, especially when not undor
drained, tho crops have been poor and
unproductive, tho seed often rotting
in tho ground and not conmig-up, ex
cept in occasional spots. Such land
designed for potatoes should bo thor
oughly drained with tiles, as tho cost
will, iii the end, bo much less than
that resulting from an entire failure
of tho potatoes. If tho farm is so
situated . that a part of tho soil is
heavy and the other part light, the
owner would do well to select tho soil
which is not quite heavy enough to
need draining for his potato field, and
in a dry or wet season ho will then
stand a good chanco of raising a suc
The ground will need to bo finely
pulverized with the plow and harrow
before tho seed is put in. Fall plow
ing for potatoes will not bo of much
benefit; it remains, however, optional
with the farmer, for it certainly will
do no harm. Tho ground can be
worked over in the spring, until it is
devoid of all lumps and sods. Plow
deeply, as a deep soil, deeply plowed,
is undoubtedly best for pwtato grow
ing. In the selection and cutting of seeds
there is one infallible rule to follow
that I have found applies in almost
all cases. Select tho potato with res
pect to sizo and quality that comes
the nearest to your ideal of potatoes ;
that is, take tho medium and largo
potatoes for your seed, and not tho
small ones or the exclusively largo
ones only. If a whole largo potato
and a wholo small potato are planted
at the same time there will bo no ap
preciable difference in tho sizo of tho
yield. The best yield is obtained
when tho half of a good, medium
sized potato is used for seed. If not
selected at digging time tho preced
ing summer, they should bo picked
out at once and placed in n dark
place where the sprouts will have a
chance to start.
Potatoes for seed should bo cut on
tho day of planting, and not several
clays beforehand. When kept even
for a day considerable risk is run by
the farmer. Cut only as many as are
needed for ono day's planting, and
those that aro left over feed to the
cattle rather than use them for seed.
More loss from potato growing is
caused by this practice of cutting up
all the seed at once than many
imagine, and experience has taught
largo growers that they cannot afford
to run the risk that is involved in the
work, even though it saves time and
Manuring tho potato field properly
requires judgment and experience.
Tho soil of farms difler so in their
compositions that the mode of treat
ment that would apply to ono field
would not answer for another. Some
crops, such as corn and vines, want
their manure near tho top of the
ground ; but potatoes can best utilize
it when it is some distance down. To
mix it up well with the lower soil then
will require its application in tho fall,
so that it can leach through gradually
during the winter months. The rains
and snows will work it into the sur
face of the soil and the plow in the
spring will turn it over and put it in
tho proper place for the roots of the
potatoes. The manure should be well
rotted before sprend on in the fall, so
that none of its richness can bo dis
sipated by evaporation or blown away
by the winds. If sufficient quantities
aro put on the field in the fall it will
bo unnecessary to spread any manure
in tho hills, as the roots of the pota
toes will surely find tho nourishing
substances if placed low enough down
for them. Besides this method saves
Tho relativo value of commercial
fertilizers and barnyard manure is var
iously estimated for potatoos, but the
best results have been obtained from
tho latter when applied in tho proper
condition. It should be rotten, very
rotten, and all large lumps fined down
and spread evenlv over tho ground.
Coarse, fibrous substances, such as
straw, that havo not been decomposed
sufficiently will bo blown off tho field
in the winter and a material lossocca
sioned in other wavs. Rotten stable
manure will increase tho yield of no
tatoes every time, whilo commercial
fertilizers will sometimes fail on cor
tain soils. Tho best way is for each
farmer to experiment in his own way,
using both commercial and home
made fertilizers on a small scale, and
govern his actions in accordance with
tho result. Exchange.
How the Hot-IIed Is Unlit.
The manure having been thrown
together, so as to reach a fermenting
state, it is now in condition to build
into the hot-bed. A place is marked
off on the surface, ono or two feet
larger than the frame which is to bo
used. Over this space, tho manure- is
evenly spread. It should not be in
masses, but well shaken up with tho
fork, so that there is an equal quan
tity of tho long and short ones the
entire space. The object of this care
is to secure an even heat in all parts,
and a uniform sinking of tho mass
as it heats. As tho building up pro
ceeds, it should also bo compacted
either by occasionally treading, or a
deft uso of the fork, which is ac
quired from long penctico by old hands
at tho business. When finished, the
back may bo slightly higher than tho
front always facing the south. A
depth ranging from two to threo feet
will bo sufficient for starting seeds,
otc. Tho frames aro then plaeed on,
and tho lights kept closod for two or
threo days, when tho heat should man
ifest itself. Soil is then placed on to
tho depth of nine inches or so, well
presssed down with tho rako, and
again left until it is well warmed
through. If tho heat is too rankjit
may bo known by thrusting a stick
into the manure. If comfortably
warm to tho touch, it is all right, anil
tho seed may bo sown. This should
bo dono in rows, alloting a certain
spaco to each kind in accordance with
future wants. A good watering to
settle the soil is all that will bo re
quired until tho seed is up. If there
is any indication of extreme boat, or
if tho bed appears to fill with steam, a
little air should be given until it sub
sides. In caso of severe freezing
weather, tho bed will have to bo well
covered at night with mats, hay or
other material to keep in tho heal,
opening again when the sun begins
to have eilect on tho glass. Except
in extremely cold spells, a trifio of air
will be beneficial from the time tho
young plants are up. It is a common
practice with market gardeners before
beginning tho hot-beds, to excavate
tho soil in part where tho manure is
to go. This saves tho heat from be
ing forced out bv piercing winds.
Two feet depth of manure will be am
ple for starting any kind ol vegetables,
or for raising lettuce, radishes, etc.
Poultry should havo a certain pro
portion of salt in their food as well sa
inimals, as it is necessary to the pro
motion of health and thrift.
Try crude petroleum, which will
cost about 10 cents a gallon, as a wood
preservative. Applied to fences and
wood that rest upon tho ground, it
will add years to tho wear.
About seven-eights of the European
ecus received in this country aro
limed. They are shipped to this
country from Antwerp, Copenhagen
and Hamburg. Those coming from
Antwerp aro gathered in Belgium,
Italy and France, those from Copen
hagen in Denmark, nud those Iiom
Hamburg in Germany.
It is a remarkable fact that, al
though wo have in this country tho
best breeds of cattlo to be found in
any portion of tho globo, yet tho ma
jority of farmers havo no system of
breeding, anil uso cows in the dairy
that give only one-third the quantity
of milk and butter that could bo de
rived from an animal from well known
milking and butter breeds.
It is true that the longer a hog is
kept the greater the likelihood of loss
from disease or accident; but so tar as
tho loss from disease is concerned, the
risk is rondered more than proportion
atoly greater by wintering. The
change from green to dry, hard food
is favorable to the development of di
sease. The severities of the weather
are aiso apt to induce disease.
Once a Week during dry weather, if
sulphur and powdered charcoal be
mixed with soft fooil for the young
chickens, it serves as an admirable
cleanser of tho stomach; it saves
them from becoming crop bound ; it
aids digestion vory materially and as
sists to keep away lice ; for tho sul
phur permeates the whole body and
works outwardly through the skin
According to the agricultural re
porter of the Aitstralasian, a difference
of fifteen to seventeen bushels an acre
in the yield of wheat can be claimed
to the credit of irrigation in pome
parts of Victoria, splendid crops be
side tho Murray having been grown
on irrigated lands, whereas there was
quite a failure in tho same distnct
where irrigation had not been carried
out. Grasshoppers and locusts havo
dono a great deal of damage to the
Victorian crops during the past sea
son. If early cucumbers, melons and
summer squashes are desired, place
pieces of sod three or four inches
square in a shallow box, grass side
down and close together. Sow seed
enough for a hill in the earth of each
pieco of sod. Tho box may bo in aj
hot-bed or in a sunny window. The
plants will in due time fill the sod
with roots, and when tho weather will
allow, transfer each piece of sod with
its plants to a proporly manured hill
in the garden.
It is now conceded by many that
ton pounds of good pressed hay is
equivalent to about thirteen poundsof
loose hay. This belief carries with it
the claim that tho nourishing qualities
of the hay aro much more fully re
tained in the presf-cd bale. It is cer
tainly true that there is a much
smaller percentage of waste. The
storage space for a givon number of
tons is also much to tho credit of
pressed hay. Whero this articlo of
stock food is high priced, this is a tor
ious question with those even who put
up hy for their own use only. There
is great need of a machine that is
cheao enough i" price to be within
tho reach of a farmer, to bo used for
baling an ordinary crop of hay for his
The Uutterino bill passed by tho
French chambers is a sufficiently
stringent measure. It imposes penal
ties from $10 to JfCOO and six days to
eix months imprisonment on porsonn
convicted of selling, importing or ex
porting as butter any mixture of mar
garine or other fat or oil with butter,
however small tho proportion of the
adulteration. Tho extreme penalties
aro for several convictions. Fraudu
lent mixtures aro liable to confisca
tion, and particulars of the fraud may
bo published by tho court at tho de
linquent's expent-o including notices
on the doors of his own place of busi
ness. Thoro nro various regulations
as to marking and doolaring tho char
acter of auy such commodity as margarine.
"I sco you havo got a now trotter,
Jones," 6ald Brown. "What do you call
"I think of calling him Thcodoro
"Oh, because Thomas beats time." ;
HE r-LEADS ODILTT.
Pompous Young Lawyer (to prisoner)
As you havo no counsel tho court has do
puted mo to defend you.
Prisoner Am dat so?
Young Lawyer Yes.
Prisoner (to Judgo) Den I pleads guilty,
yo' honnh, an' frows myso'f on do mercy
oh do court.
Pretty Wniter Girl (to regular boarder)
What kind of soup will you havo to-dny,
Charley (in a fascinating manner) Well,
weally, 1 hardly know, y' know. What
kind would you advise mo to take, Jennie?
Pretty Walter Girl (innocently) Noodlo
A CUA2V TRAVELER.
Conluctor(of Pullman sleeper to porter)
You want to watch that passenger, Sam,
I think bo's crazy.
Porter What makes yon think sr, liossf
Conductor Because ho didn't insist upon
having a lower berth in tho midlo of tho
car. New York Sun.
What Heroines of ('.rent Thought.
Talking over tho recent McCosh opisodo
at Harvnrd called forth, tho other day, tho
following story of another Scotch divino
who visited oneo in tho vicinity of Boston.
Besides his ministerial functions tho rover
end gentleman had a fond weakness for
making incursions into liternturo proper.
Ono day, when closeted with his books nnd
papers, tho housemaid of tho family with
whom ho was visiting broko in upon his
meditations with a message. Tho irate doc
tor sprang to his feet, nnd in his heat, giv
ing way to broadest accent, eriol out
severely: "Woman, how dnr yo intrude
yerser thnt sudden? Do yo ken mo,
woman? Yer disturbing presence has ban
ished a great thought into ctnrnitv!"
"Tho IiOi-d Vtuno us an' evil, sir!" cried
tho affrighted maid. "An how wns 1 to
know that, or dramo that them bavin' great
thoughts lost 'em that nlsy? But sure, sir.
if it's to eternity it's gone, you'll bo liko to
find it ngin, plnzo Godl" With which
naivo rejoinder tho humblo hnndmnid loft
tho mighty doctor to cool oil at his leisure.
Boston Saturday Kvening Gazette.
Mr. O'llrluu at tliu Hall.
tnm, by mm.
Mr. O'Brien has a slight cold on his chest
nnd has put on a mustard leaf. Ho has never
tried ono before, but ho does not sco how it
need interferu with his going to Wilkinson's
hop. But liiustnrd leaves havo a way of as
serting their presence, and Mr. O'Brien is
howling for somebody to fetch him nn iceberg
nnd two lire engines. Loudon Judy.
netting I'.ld of His Dog.
A lazy countryman, with tho bibulous
propensities of Kip Van Winkle, wns ier
sunded by his wifo to tnko his useless dog to
the nearest market town, nnd sell him, ns
ho cost as much to keep ns a couplo of pigs.
Josh accordingly retired early ono morn
ing, anil returned in the owning very "full
up," but without Towser. "Woifo," ho
said, "I've sold thie there dorg." "Hav'ee,
indeed?" she ejaculatod, brightening up at
tho good news, "I'm dreadful glad on it;
how much did you get?" "Matter o' thrity
shillun," mumbled tho old man. "Thirty
shilluu! Whnt, for ono dorg?" chuckled
tho wife, "buint I glad; that'll a'most set
mo oop V win'er clothes. Where's tho
money, Josh, mo dnrlin'?" "Money I" said
Josh, slowly shifting his pipe to tho other
corner of his mouth, "I didn't get no
money; I took two bull terrier pups, nt
fifteen shillun npieco". London Judy.
I'leo Press Wisdom.
The busiest ioet will havo his idyl mo
ments. Nover attempt to handle n snow shovel
Phnsajsius imagines tho pension bureau
must bo a mnssivo piece of furnituro thcro
aro so many drawers.
It is to bo hoied tho bonnet has nbout
reached tho height of its ambition.
"Lovo i3 a beautiful blossom," affirms a
lino from a rejected contribution. Sort of
a passion flower, wo suppose
Don't bo too previous with your expres
sions of sympathy and endearment when
you come from work nt night nnd find your
newly Required helpmeet reclining on tho
lounge with her foroheud bandaged. The
chances aro it's her crimps and not tho head
aclio at all. Detroit Freo Press.
A Tclrgruplilo I'rror.
See what an intelligent tolegrnph operator
did for tho Western Union company down
in Tovas. Mr. Edson hud a dog of great
prico named Shop, and wishing to havo him
sbipiod to him, ho telegraphs homo: "Send
Shep by first train." Tho brainy telegraph
operator thought Mr. Edson ought to know
how to spell hotter than that, nud so ho cor
rected him and Bent tho dispatch as follows:
'.'Send sheep by first train." As Edson
wns a sheep raiser his hired man put his
entiro flock on tho cars, nnd in a day or
two ho received notico that they wero at
hand. Just then a storm camo up and many
of them fell sick. Beforo ho could get them
back to hi ranch half of them wero dead,
and tho atToir cost him a great deal of money.
Ho is now suing tho company for damages
and is liable to get them. Philadelphia
Only tliu I'arKon.
Ill tho mlddlo of a fast thing with ono of
the Surrey packs, on a Tuesday, reports a
contemporary, one of tho Hold, who was well
up in tho first flight, wont a tremendous
croppor into n brook. Tho master heard
tho noUo, looked round, saw that a disaster
had happened to somebody, and turning
to tho first whip, who was close beside him,
said, "Wlio's that, Will? Hadn't wo bet
tor holp him out?"
"Oh," returned Will, coolly, "it's only
tho parson, sir, and wo bhan't want him till
Sunday!" London Punch.
STORIES OF REPORTERS.
A Class of Men About 'Whom Moat rer-
tun.i Know Little.
Most persons never saw a reporter to know
one. Tens or thousands in privato lire navo
seen reporters only at meetings or In public
places. Even in few iork, whero reporting
Is a very old profession, tho business Is not
clearly understood and rejiorters nre continu
ally meeting persons who say to them, "Do
you want an item!'1 or "Hello! why nren't
you at n flreP precisely as if newsgettlng was
liko fishing or was pursued as collectors search
for butterflies net in hand. To tell the world
that lvporters (In New York, nt least) only
seek what their city editors send them to (hid
Is to run tho risk of being thought nn impos-
ter. But In nil communities tho reporters
have oxjerionees almost as queer as any they
There is a gifted news getter in town,
whoso weight is nbout COO pounds, nnd tho
quality of whoso work is proportioned to his
sizo. Ho was taking down a speech in short
hand not long ago in Tnnunany hall when
an Irishman in the gallery spied him nnd said
to his ncighlHir: "Och, will yo Ink nt tho
soizo av that nion, and him aiming his living
wid a little pencil!" A New York reporter
sent to Newark once, went to a house he
should not have gone to, mistaking it for ono
farther up the street, where ho was to inter
view a man. Tho mnn of tho house oiiened
tho door. "I mil a reporter," said tho inter
viewer. The mnn pulled him in nlinost by
main force. "For heaven's snkel'' said he,
"how do you ivporters get hold of things lo
fore they happen?" He led him into tho iar
lor and shut the door. "Now," said ho, "tell
mo how you knew what I was going to do.
I swear I hnvo never told a soul." Tho re
porter, equally amazed, said he guessed there
was a mistake; he wns looking for so-and-so.
That night tho man horse whipied nuother
citizen for insulting his wife. Ho must havo
thought the reporter wns a mind render who
had come to get tho news ahead of time.
When I wns callow I was charged with tho
task of exposing to tho public tho overcrowd
ing of the public schools. 1 reached tho first
school house early in tho morning, entered
tho assembly room of tho girls' department
and explained to tho lady principal that I
wns a reporter and desired to look through
tho building. To my horror, she turned to
tho pupils and said: "Young ladies, this gen
tleman is tho editor of Tho Sun, who desires
to address you this morning." There was no
getting out of it. It was fun, too for tho
girls. ICirk Munro's experience must bo told,
also, even at the risk of Ids having a burr
upon it. Ho was green at tho business when
ho wns sent to report a religious revival in
young Dr. Tyng's church. Tho pastor hai-
pened to lie moving from person to person in
tho congregation, nnd reached Munro just as
thnt young man entered the door. "My dear
brother," said Tyng, "nro you u follow er of
Christ!" "No," said Munro; "I'm a a Sun
I got a now viow of my calling onco when
tho city editor, Mr. Bogart, sent mo after
something or other on the east side of town.
I found my man nnd nppronched him with
"Aro you Air. Keidstickerr "inn," ho re
plied. "I am a reporter of Tho Sun," said 1
"I've boen trying over slnco to think what ho
meant by his reply. Perhaps ho did not un
derstand me or olse diil'nt know whnt ho
was saying. At nuy rate, when I said I was
a reporter of Tho Sun, ho roplled in a father
ly tone, full of kindly sympathy: "Sal Veil,
veil, you can't help dot." Julian Italph in
I. lite, I. ute, Ton I-nte.
"My dear friend," said a minister nt the
bedside of a sick man, "I want to call your
attention to tho blessed consolation which re
ligion brings in hours of suffering and danger
to those '
"I'm much obliged to you," Interposed tho
grateful patient, "but you aro too Into."
"Yes, sir, my physician says that tho crisis
is (inst, nuil nil danger is over." Now York
Item Tor Ilillillieilded Men.
On tho planet Jupiter, according to Hwed-
enborg, men live to nn ngy oqunl to about 30
of our years. They lecomo bald at tho age
or ana Knowing tins to bo tiio suro pro-
cursor or their death within a year, thoy in-
stnntly set about preparing themselves for
that event. When wo reniemlicr how men
act on this miserable old earth after they bo
como bnld wo don't sco how thoy can over
look at Jupiter without blushing for shame,
The "Hest of Comimny."
A gentleman, whoso long residence entitles
him to bo called n Bostouiau, some time since
had tho misfortune to lose his wife. In tho
course of a few weeks ho ordered a monument
to bo placed over her last resting place, with
this Inscription following tho name nud cus
tommy formula: ' hhu was tho best of com
pnny." With such a marital tribute to her
mental and moral worth any woman ought
to rest in peaco. Boston Herald.
Vhen you cut your ockwnliidnnces
besser you dono dot on der bias.
Oxberioneo vns a combass dot tolds you
how to get iiooty veil along.
Moses Bock has at last imparted tho infor
mation ns to tho exact location of "Moses
when tho light wont out." Ho snvs: "I vas
make mo tome foolishness, by Qretchdh."
Not I.lkely to Iterover.
The nows editor prepared an article jn
which ho said: "Mr. Dash is hopelessly ill,
Beforo going to press Mr. Dash died, and n
hasty alteration was made in tho sentence to
meet tho now condition of affairs. When
Mr. Dash's friends read in their paper that
"Mr. Dash is hopelessly dead," thoy wero
naturally bhocked. Boston Transcript.
Smith (with olfusion) Hello, Brown,
that you? I heard you wero drowned.
Brown (with sadness) No, it was my
Smith (thoughtfully) Whnt a pity, Wash
Jlloi.d Will Tell.
Father (to rapid son) My father nover
gnvo mo money to noiid for fast horses,
opera tickets, late dinners and tho like.
Rapid Sou Oh, yej, but you forgot that I
como of n more aristocratic family than you
Oreut Story from llulTalo.
A rich business man of thU city who diod
suddenly lately had not siokon to his wifo In
twelve years, though sho had helped him in
his business all along, and sho did not sioak
to him ovon as ho lav on his deathlied. A
tough family quarrel that. Bulfalo Express. 1
Another Schoolboy' Traduction.
"Lafatto sined tho desecration of inde
pendence" was a Lowlston schoolboy's tost
pajxsr announced last week. Lowiston (Mo.)
A "Jluckwliont" Suro Knou.h. ,
A name In point is that of Farmer Wheat,
of Bucks county, whoso oldoot ton U named
Buck. Philadelphia Now.
"" A Cat nnd Cot fish Hnttlo.
Thcophilus Sklmpor Is generally sized up
na tho most incomplete man In Hoxawot
tomlo, but Thcophilus has knocked thU
town silly tv ith his cat story about tho tarn.
Sklmper hasn't but ono shirt, and alwa-"
goes Out to tho tarn to wash it.
Sklmper has Jut stretched his old shirt out
to dry on the end of a sunny log, when ho
found lied leen followed nil tho way from
Hoxnwottamio by his old grny cat with tliu
nlno kittens. Tho blamed thing monkeyed
around his ankles awhile, then carried her
kittens ono by ono to tho end of a log hang
ing over tho water, and sat down by em nnd
began fishing with her tail. She was having
pretty fair luck wltPii she spied n whole
school ot young cattish swimming up into
shoal water. The old catfish una probably
toniowhcro out In-deeper water.
Puss made ono spring and yanked a little
catfish out of tho water. Then she rnn out to
the end of tho log nnd gave it to one of tho
kittens. No sooner had she turned her back.
lowever, to get another little catfish liefore
tho old cattish jumped from tho deep water to
the end of the log and yanked one of tho kit-
ens away as slick as wax. Y hen puss camo
back with the second cattish tho kitten which
had been eating tho first young catfish had
disappeared and was feeding the old cattish.
This made juiss mad, and sho chewed tho
second young catfish up before tho eyes of
tho frantic parent.
Insano with rage, tho old catfish jumped to
the end of tho log, and with a shrill shriek bit
a kitten square in two.
11ns internecine and frntlcidal strife con
tinued until tho cat had eaten up nil tho
young cntfish mid tho catfish had eaten up nil
tho young kittens, llio old cntfish lmdnt
lieen able to chew all tho kittens, but hnd
just swallowed some whole. Tho conse
quences was thoy legan mewing and set the
mother cat pretty near wild. This seemed to
n fiord tho old catfish the most unalloyed de
light, nnd sticking her head out of tho wnter
with n broad grin, slio gnvo tho mother cat
full lienelltof tho post mortem concert.
i ho mother eat couldnt stand it, and
jumped right ntop tho old catfish's back.
"O-o-h-h!" went tho catfish, and nway sho
started across the tarn, giving puss a bath
every minute or two, and yelling with rage.
From the Strictly Veracious Hoxawot
A I. line Kiln Club I'rrnnntntton.
"Will Judge Consecutive Smith please step
dls way)" asked Brother Gardner as tho meet
ing ojienod with sixteen keixxsono lamps shed
ding their rndianco over the halL
1 ho judgo advanced In two-four time, nnd
Uio president continued:
"Judge Smith, you am about to leave us
nn' tnKo up your Homo m a distant state.
You will not only enrry wid j-ou do lies'
wishes of ebory member of dis society, but
you will still preserves your mcmliership wid
us. In gwino oir among strangers, dnr' nm
somo rales an' maxims dat it would bo well to
"While it am fnshnabul to eat wid a fork,
doan' let a goal pieco of bacon slip away fur
want of usin' yer knife.
" hen you has foun' n butcher who will
givo j'ou credit, you has foun' nn enemy.
"It nm t do amount of wages you nirn, but
it am do numlicr of days you am idle.
"Honest an' industrious men- nccdn t worry
about do number of patent jail locks.
"Do mnn who lights two candies to think by
am sunh' to wont fur light to work by.
"Do timo siient in buildiu' air ciustles would
purvido do world with tuters at a cent a
"Honesty nm u good policy, but It nm wlso
to wnit nnd see what do odder fellow am hi-
tendin' to do.
"You can't cotch pork in a dico liox, nor
pny your tuxes wid lottory tickets dat didn't
"Now, Bnidder Smith, on lehalf of de
members of dis club, I shall present you wid
dis colTco mill. Its intrinslcl; waluo am not
great only fifty cents but you will prizo do
sentiment which acktuated de elvers. Do olo
woman km uso it to grind colfeo or pop-corn,
an' do children kin play boss wid it an' hurt
nobody's feelin's. It am alius wound up.
It nm prcpnr'd fur ebery change of weather.
It neblier needs timln', nn' do bellows neblier
gits outer order, Tnko it, Bruddor Smith,
an' mny luck nn' prosjierlty attend you."
Tho judgo attempted to voice his feelings,
but it wns n failure. His chin quivered, a
Jump gathered in his throat, and scalding
tears fell into tho hopper of tho mill. Detroit
Tho coroners' combination which has so
long ruled a certain section of Arknnsaw has,
by mutual consent, dissolved. Tho history
of this combination would indeed bo a con
tribution to American literature. Its secret
proceedings might not rival tho famous cabal
,of Charles II, of England, but it would shed
much efiulgeiico on our "coronltu" system.
Several years ago, as many public prints
havo stated, tho coroners from Fort Smith,
on tho Arknnsaw river, to tho place where
tho muddy waters sweep over tho buried
bricks of Napoleon, formed a grand
"coronial" floating combination. This mo
nopoly of solemn ofllclals played a
luerutivo game. This will servo ns nn illus
tration. When tho coroner of one of the tip
jier counties found a floater, ho would haul
out tho corse, hold an inquest, throw tho
corpso back into tho river and send word to
tho coroner lielowthat a pieco of business was
coming to meet him. Then tho coroner bo
low would hold an lnquost, throw tho cor)so
Into tho river and send word to his collenguo
further down the river. In this wny the coro
ners flourished. They built lino residences,
nnd, whilo tho county judges nto eornbreud
and tho fleshy breast of tlio femalo hog, tho
coroners drunk hnnd-mado sour-mnsh and
feasted off tin whlto meat of tho stall-fed tur
key. Abuso of privileges caused the breaking
of tho combination. Tho coroners became
greedy. A rk a nsj i w Traveler.
"Does your son affect any particular school
of artf asked tho visitor.
"No ye well, he's painting a Ballndonna
for tho religious art gallery," replied tho fond
The visitor left, Hartford Journal
AN AUCTIONEER IN AUSTRALIA.
Auctioneer Now gentlemen, what shall I
nay for this magnificent nnd nutheiitlo Paul
Veryoneusyl Como, start it at something.
Old gentleman Don't see tho paintcris
name to it anywhero, mister.
Auctioneer Of courso not. A picture liko
that doesn't want signing; it stands on its
merits. No bid! Pass it in, John, and bring
out tho next. Now, gentlemen, hero Is a
sujierb Landsoer by tho bume bund. Tab
leau. Melbourne Punch.
Strikers uutl ItullroniU.
Judging from tho great numlxjr of strikers,
it would seem that somebody supjoos tho
iron to lw hot Philadelphia Ledger.
DOWN ON ANYTIIINO WHICH CAN'T KICK.
"Can you tell mo," ho asked, as ho entered
an office on Broad street the other day, "why
tho railroads should discriminate 60 heavily
against drc-bsod meat over live stock f
"Certainly, sir. Dressed meat is dead, Isn't
"Well, anything which can't kick Is always
bulldozed by a railroad company." Wall
A STRANGE WORLD.
There's tho msM who says sho will.
And tho mnld who says sho won't,
But they both get mod alike,
If you don't.
There's tho man who says, "No! NoP
And tho man who says, "Well yDSl"
Do they doth Inihilie nllkel
Well. I gues3!
Thts old worU's n funny place,
And It's full of funny folks.
They will keep you In n roar
With their Jokes.
They will sny nil sorts of things
With n countenance srene
llut they do not always say
What they mean.
Be, then, do not lw misled
lly sut'h hyocrltes as these,
Hear them out nnd thun bellevo
What you please I
Tho waves roll back on the desolate shore,
The ships return over th son.
ml tho child returns to Its dither's door,
And the cattlo wind home from tho lea.
The leaves return with the sprlnft-tlmo bloom.
And the light returns with the any,
llut thu cash the candidate sijnt on his boom
Is gone forever nnd aye!
THE TURKISH QUESTION.
A gobbler stood upon the fence,
Whence nil but him had lied.
His form erect; his tail outspread;
And stately was his head.
The farmer's wife, she wrestled with,
And lioro him to the ground.
Ami now he h.uiifs heels overhead,
At thirteen e tits a pound.
A KUs In tho Doric.
Somo BulTalo girls, at a llttlo party, re
cently, got up a now order, and wished to
initiate tho young men into its mysteries.
They took possession of tho front parlor
and closed tho folding doors, leaving ono of
their number on guard. Tho gentlemen
found ono youth had disapeared and won
dered what had become of him. Tho lodgo
being in rendinesss for candidates, ono ot
tho young men wns escorted into tho room.
Ho found four blushing mnldcns standing
In a row in tv corner of tho room, with a
chair in front of them. Upon this ho was
seated and blindfolded, nnd then told thnt
ono of tho girls would kiss him. If ho
oould guess her name ho would bo privileged
to repeat tho osculation. Of course, ho
liindo a miserablo failuro; but instead of
being allowed to retiro ho was conqKtlled to
occupy a seat on tho opposite side of tha
room. Just imngiiio his feelings when tho
next victim was led in and hud been pre
pared for tho sacrifice, to see tho missing
beardless youth riso up, ghost like, from
behind tho girls, imprint a good, sound
smnek on tho uplifted nud expectant lips ot
tho candidate, and then dodgo back to his
plnco of concealment. Ono after another
tho young men wero victimized. Tho fun
of it was, though to hear some of them do
mand moro than ono trial beforo tho re
moval of tho hoodwinks ono a well known
physician, not being content with less than,
threo kisses. Ho was enthusinstio over
their sweetness until tho sweet was turned
to gall as ho saw tho boy saluto his successor
on tho thronoof mystery. Bulfalo Express.
Slio I'rcforred to bo it Sister.
Sho was a high spirited Boston girl, and
hnd taught him to call a gnnt Nathaniel,
and a clambnko a bivalve festivnl, but sho
would chow gum.
"Maria," ho said, desporately, "I lovo
you, anil ull that, but you must stop chow
ing gum. I detest tho habit, and you must
decide botweon tho gum nqil me."
"That is, you won't marry mo unless I
givo it up?"
Sho was rollectlvo for a fow moments.
Then sho extended her hand.
"(lood-by," sho said, sadly, "I'll always
bo a sister to you." Chicago Ledger.
Dar a'n't no ined'eino fo' do man bawn a
Sometimes yo' bettah resk do dog dan.
run in do dark.
Do small mnn in- lo proudes' w'en ho
sees 'is shaddah.
Do pusson nios' willln' too do a job am
gin'ly do ono yo1 doan' want.
"Merry C'rlsmus" am pleasant too de
enh, but do po' widow rudduh hub n scuttle
ob coal. Judgo.
Iterlpo Tor Kuropenu Crisis.
Take ono Bismarck twlngo of neuralgia.
Add a bonflro at Sofia.
Stir In a prince lying round loose.
Sprinklo with a few Moscow rumors.
Season with a French cabinet resignation.
Servo 'hot. Boston Record.
Eyes yet thoy see not Potatoes. Ears yet
thoy hear not Corn. Mouths yet thoy speak
not Rivers. Hands yet thoy foel not Clocks.
Brains yet thoy think not Dudes. Whip.
A widow in weeds is not supposed to be
out in tho garden. Roso's Toothpick.
"What is a hero!" asks an exchange. A
hero Is a man who can pass a crowd of boys
engaged in making snowballs without turning
his head to mako suro thnt they havo no de
sign on him. Now Hnveu Nows.
A Harvard professor has mado tho calcu
lation that if men wero renlly as big as they
Eomotlmey feel thoro would bo room in tho
United States for only two professors, threo
lawyers, two doctors and a reporter on a
Philadelphia apur. Tho rest of us would bo
crowded Into tho sea and would havo to swim
for it Detroit Free Press.
A burglar who was doing a neat job on a
safe was horrified, on looking up, to sco a
man standing quietly besldo him. Ho was
nlwut to retire, when tho gentleman said:
"do nhoad. I am interested In thut job."
"Why!" asked tho astonished burglar. "Bo
pauso I havo forgotten tho combination, and
no living person know it but myself. If you
run get that Rtfo ojien I'll make it worth your
while." Burlington Freo Press.
When a nntivo New Zealandor proposes to
a damsel of tho trilo they rub their noses to
gether. If thnt wero tho rulo in this country,
tho heroine of the usual multiplicate engage
ments would need to wear a thuuibstall on
her nose. San Francisco Alta.
A scientific party stutes that ho has In
vented a bteani trum car that "horses and car
riages will take no notlcoof." London Judy.
A corner man sentenced to ten years' penal
servitude for robbery with violence, lately,
wishing to propitiate the prison chaplain,
said, "Ah, guv'ner! s'welp mo my mind
feels groat consolnshun when I reflects ns I
nlvnya took off my 'at when I broke Into a
church." London Judy. .
The language of visiting cards Is that when
f ou throw out your card if sho desires to sea
you she will order you up. Whitehall Times.
A phrenologlcul paiiersuysi "In choosing
a wifo bo governed by her chin." A man hi
upt to bo governed by the same thing after ho
ots a wife, Cedar Roplds Gossip.