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About The Oregon scout. (Union, Union County, Or.) 188?-1918 | View Entire Issue (Sept. 11, 1886)
PA ItXELL IS DEFEATED. 111$ Amendment to the .tddre.it In lleply to the Queen EeJeeteJ. London special: Mr. Parnell'a amend ment to (ho address replying to the queen'i speech was rejected in the commons to night by a vote ol 304 to 1S1. Lord Randolph Churchill announced that it was the intention ot tho government to oppose the abolition ol tho secret service fund, which nmnunted to 10,000 lnstyear. Mr. Thomas Sexton, who was loudly cheered as ho arose to follow Lord Church ill, said that tho government enjoyed great advantage in regard to Mr. l'nt noil's amendment because, besides having the power and emoluments of ofllco they were, by tho nid cl tho casualties, relieved of the necessity of forming a, policy in tho cabinet and defending it in debate. He regretted to notico that Mr. L. Chamberlain was not in his neat, but he wns not surprised at his absence. Tho failure to bo present ho re garded as n questionable example of ISrit ish pluck. Mr. Chamberlain showed what confidence ho had i.n his cry by runninc away. I.nuu'hter. lie regarded a speech by Mr. Chamberlain as a positive advan tngo to his opponents. Mr. Chamberlain was what might bo called a political mis doer, and only needed sullicient opportu nity to execute Iiq ends of public justice upon himself. Ifr. Sexton spoke, about two hours. Mr. Chamberlain entered tho house shortly nf,,er Mr. Sexton began speaking and remained until tho conclusion of the speech, lie did not, however, arrive sulll ciently early to hear tho part of Mr. Sex ton's speech winch was mostdirectiy to his own. ' Sir William Hart Dyke, Sir William Ifar court, and Sir Michnel llieks-llcach also spoke on tho amendment. Mr. Harcourt declared that tho homo rule and purchase schemes of tho lato government were not inseparable. Irish cheers und conserva tive tountcr cheers. I'ariiell's amendment wns rejected, !50l to 381. Loid Hartington, ClinmlK-rlnin and tho unionists supported the govern ment. Sir William Vernon Harcourt ab stained from voting, and Mr. Morley voted with tho minority. Tho announcement of tho resul'. caused little excitement. OLAIjSTO.Vk's PAMPHLET. Gladstone's promised nainphjet on tho Irish question lias just been issued. It is a lengthy document and somewhat siiuilarin stylo to his brochure on the Unitarian atrocities. At the outset ho compares tho pamphlet to an apology ho wrote on his chango of attitudo in regard to tho Irish church, but continues: "In tin f resent case 1 have no such change to vindicatebutonly to point out t!u mode by which my Inn giingo and conduct have been governed by uniformity of principle. I have simply fol lowed tho various stages by wbic1 thequcs tion of autonomy for Ireland lias been brought to the stage of ripeness for practi cal agitation." Tho pamphlet forcibly argues throughout in support of tho well-known views of Mr. Gladstone on tho homo rule and land pur chase question, and declares thu writer's ut most belief that It eland has now lying beforo her a broad and oven way in which to walk in order to consummate her wishes. "Ileforo her eyes," lie concludes, "is opened Hint sumo path of constitutional and peaceful action, and of steady, free and full discussion which has led Kngluud and Scotland to tho achievement of all their Pacific triumnhs." some u-asiiixgtox GOSSIP. Cadet Taylor, chief clerk of the govern ment printing olllce, hnH resigned, and Mr. Hounds, public printer, has appointed Gil bert Benedict, of New York. Tho latter is a brother of Mr. Benedict, whom tho presi dent has selected to succeed Mr. Hounds, and ho is oxpected to assume the duties of ids now place at once. The now public printer will relievo Mr. Hounds on tho lGth of September. Tho "black list" of credtors and debtors of tho government, which has just been published in response to a resolution of tho house, adopted hist January, is an inter esting volume. It was compiled by H. A. Pish) assistant treasurer of tho United States, and consumed tho best part of six months in its preparations. Tho book shows that there is owing to the govern ment !$2.vS00,l!)l. l0, divided among tho following bureaus: Treasury disburse ments, $12,S77,i)0;.r:); customs service, $-l,0!):i,!IS7.-10; internal revenue, $:t,S()0, aiia.89; diplomatic servi.e, SI. 101.0-11.72; sales or public lands. S1.8U,:U2.01; inte rior department, 0011, 01-1. fit; judiciary, ?-lS(i'J57.r0; captured and abandoned prop rty, 527,G!j5. 77. Much of this in debtedness results from embezzlements, de falcations and disputed accounts. Those debts run from a few dollars up to millions. Tho largest amounts charged up against any ouo man is tho sum of SI, 20,", 0155. 00 charged up against Sainuol Swartout. who was collector of customs at Now York un der Van Union in 18ISS. High oillcials of the state department de cline to mako any statoment about tho Sedgwick incident. Odiclal dispatchoshavo been received, however, from tho City of Mexico, tho naturo of which rondars it im possible to keep tho matter a t-ecret. Tho Bcnudnl is of much moment and its details aro boing whispered about in tho depart ment corridors. A 1'HrXTEH'S I.OXG LEAP. New York dispatch: Lawrence Donovan, a printor employed on a weekly paper, jumped from tho Brooklyn bridgo for a wager of $500 at 3:50 tills morning. A boat was in tho rivor containing some friends, who picked him up. Ho was not injured by tho jump. Donovan, who mado the jump from Brooklyn bridgo, was a pressmnn. Tho jump was made on a bet of $500 between Donovan and Freeman Heid ot tho pressroom, whoro tho plan wns formed to leap two weeks ago. The d s tance from the bridgo to tho water is 120 feet. Soon after being picked up ho said: "I wentstrnightdown straightas a plumb line, and d;d not lose my senses. It seemed ft long time going down as many minutes as seconds but I didn't swerve or turn from u straight line. I struck the water with n. big splash and went straight through. 1 wns well provided with pad ding, so that no harm could come to me. . When I came to tho surface I was notes pjiausted. I was ablo to swim 100 yards or so to tho bunt. They pulled tue in, when I was arrested." HEADY TO 1CEEP PEACE. Belfast, Aut?. 27. At $, meeting of Orangemen last night It was decided to again oiler the mayor their nshrtance fn restoring order. The meeting condemned the misconduct of the police, but repudl atcd the action of those who had defied the military and the police. Tbey also pro tested against the charge that Orangemen were responsible for the riots and declared them to be utterly untrue. Nelioii proposes to invest $10,000 in -water works at an early day. aircx a nor at. iiecepiiox. Prlnee Alexander Gtren an Oration by tin German ami Poles. Lr.MnEito, Aug. 27. l'rlnce Alexander ar rived here this afternoon. He was received at tho railway by Court Marshal Itoldscl and Court Cbap'ahi Koch. On appearing at the window of the railway carriage he was given an ovation by thousands of Germans and Poles, who raised enthusiastic cheers, waved hand kerchiefs and hats and indulged in other joy ful demonstrations. On alighting tho prince was presented with a bouquet by a little girl. Tho prince khsed tho child amid enthusiastic cheering. The crowd escorted the prince, when a journalist delivered a short address of welcome, con cluding with the word. "I'erlsh the traitors." Then the people escorted him to his hotel. The town was brilliantly illuminated to-niglit. A torchllirht procession was held to-night fn honor of l'rlnce Alexander and the prince appeared on a balcony of Ins hotel to acknow ledge the plaudits of tho people and was receied with the greatest enthusiasm l'rlnce Alexander is accompanied by his brother Prince Francis Jocph. UfSSIA NO ENUMV Or ALEXANDER. As a result of the understanding reached by the adherents ot Prince Alexander at Sofia anil Tirnova, a council of regency lias been formed comlstlm: of Messrs. StamuoulotT, GlovcscofI and Natcsovich. Colonel Moutkouroft has been appointed commander in chief as long as the state of siege lasts. Fuanklnsiuh, Gekmant, Aug. 27, M. De Gicrs lias issued a clrcu'ar declaring the czar did not approve the methods employed In de posing Alexander, lie says ho was as much surprised as an) holy over the event and Hus fla was the llrst to urge the reversal of that action. The promptness with which the Bul garians acted shuns their friendliness for Hus sla. Do Glers pays hich tribute to Alexander but thinks he Is not the man to govern Bulgaria and hopes he will vohmtailly renew the abdi cation forced uixin him. Bismarck and Do Glers had a conference to day, after which the former departed fir Mer lin. OERMAN STUDENTS n VCK ALEXANDER Berlin, Aug. 2". A formidable movement In favor of Prince Alexander is on foot among the students of Germany and It is their Intention to present him with an address of sympathy upon his arrival at Darmstadt. Hundreds of dispatches expressing symuhathy awaited Prince Alexander on ids arrival at I.cmbeig. During ids passage through the Russian territory he was subjected to many in conveniences and petty annoyances. Ho" ar rived at Lcmberg without any" baggage what soever, having with lilm nofeven a change of clothing. Berlin', Aug. 27. Prince Bismarck had re peated Interviews to-day with M. De Glers at 1'rankcnsuad and afterward started forllerlln. Count Kaluoky has not yet arrived at Frankensbad. It is stated that KnnkoH has been badly wounded in a street row at Sofia. SEnoEwicic's mo spiwe. A City of Mexico special says: A. J. Sedgcwick, Secretary Bayard's special en voy to Mexico, has been hero sincb Inst Monday. .Tho Mexican press noted tho ar rival oT Mr. Sedgowick as special envoy of the United States and at tho snmo time an nounced that Sedgowick had unlimited credit at tho banking houses in this city, nnd that he, accompanied by a lot of young Mexican bloods in this city, enjoyed himself immensely one night at tho Jockey Club. Drinks wero free and Special Knvoy Sedgowick was in high clover. Ho soon be came hilarious and finally, it is asserted, that while he wns "full" the Mexicans decked him out with llowors, and placed a big bouquet in Ilia top of his lint. Alter 0 o'clock in the morning the inmates in tho Turbido hotel were aroused by twenty or more of tho Mexican gilder youths, all sing ing and shouting, and they led in Special Envoy Scdgewick in triumph, decked outns a prince nod ho nodded ids acknowledg ments. The pnrty caroused in several houses of well known ceputntion, in ono of which they left theirprizo in chnrgo of some accommodating female. Tho escapade of the alleged special envoy is tho talk of tho town, and members of the American colony arc full of indignation over the disgrace brought upon tho American uamoby ainnn selected by the administration for a, deli cate mission. FOVlt MEX KILLED. Scranton (Pa.) special: By an explo sion of gas in tho Fairlnwn mine in this city this morning, Hugh Conner, Kdwnrd Gaughan, Michael Foyle, John Kerriinan and Edward Pierco wero killed and Patrick Connor nnd John Noiin were badly burned. At tho time, of the accident John H. Hosio and J. Gallagher wero standing at tho head of tho slopo and felt the rush of tho air out of tho niino caused by tho oxplosion. Tho only occupants of tho mine at tho time wero a party ot flvo or six miners, who hnd gone in to clenn up their chambers. Mino Inspector Blowitt and Gallagher with a party immediately entered tho mino and found tho party who had gone before near tho entrance of ono of tho chambers, a short distance from tho entrance of an in side piano about ono hundred nnd fifty feet from where tho heading branches off. Pierco. Hugh Connor, Gaughan nnd Foyle wero dead when found. , John Noun win tho first man brought out. He is badly burned on tho face and arms. John Kerriinan died boforo roach ing the surface, though ho did not seem so badly hurt as tho others. John Connor, tho third ono to lie reached, was badly cut on tho head and knee, and has severe burns on his faco and hands. Thoflro boss, Ed. Pierce, lay dead about ten rods from wliero tho other inon wero found. Thoro is no knowledge as yot as to how the explo sion originated. Cll 111ST1A XS Jt. I SS. 1 CIS EI). Shanghai dispatch: Advices from Ching Foo, tho chief city of tho province of Secli .ion, stato that tho natives of the eastern part of t uat province and those of north ern Cochin China havo risen against tho Christians and aro mnssacrcin; tltoin and destroying their property. Tills nctive persecution is attributed to tho imprudence of English and Amer.cnn missionaries. In Cochin China about fifty Christians have been killed, their houses burned and tiioir farms destroyed. In Sechuen a general massacre, fifteen of Christians, is reported in progress, and they aro killed wherever found. It is snid that whole villages occu pied by Christians have been destroyed and all lands occupied by professors of that faith havo been destroyed. The apos talic vicar's residence in Sechuen was burned to tho ground. Not a piece of fur niture, not a book, nor paper was saved. The foreign consuls barely escaped from Sechuen with their lives. No efforts have been mado up to late reports to quell the disorder, and so far as is now known it continues uimuppressed. AX IOWA rOT.CAXIO EltUPTlOX. Belle Plain special: Last week an arte sian well was completed on the flat near tho depot. This morning, the well not be ing piped, commenced spouting great vol umes of sand, mud and rock with water. At this hour (0 a. in.) the hole is nearly as large round as a hogshead. Tho well is sit uated in the middle of a street ami the flood ot sand and mud has covered the sidewalk, and is rapidly filling the door yards and sweeping over tho lawns and flower beds. A cruter lias been formed around the placo from which the water flows soveral feet high. Great alarm pro vails among the residents, who fear that the entire lower part of the city will be undermined. PIIEIUCTIXG A COMIXG COXFIACT. I Great Conjllrt at Arm ltelleretl to be Clone at Hand. New York, Aug. 31. The London corre s(Kiudent of the Timet predicts that the great est war of the century Is close at hand. He says at their recent meeting De Glers earn estly urccd Bismarck to ndvho Alexander not to return to Bulgaria. Hlsmirek refused and abruptly terminated the interview. An Immense amount of telegraphing followed between Berlin, Vienna, London, Homo and Constantinople, and Mr. Laeclles, the British couul general, started jost haste for Sofia to forestall tho Husslau l'rinei- Doleoroukl, who will now probably proceed to Macedonia to foment dl-eord there. For some time Russian gold has been jiourlng Into Macedo nia, and an uprising Is dally expected. It is believed England, Germany and Austria have Induced Turkey to consent that Alexander shall extend his rule over Macedonia. This will be followed by a Hussi.tu attempt to con quer Bulgaria, which will be resisted by 'turkey, Austria, Koumauia and Scrvla, Ger many holdlmr aloof and keeping France In check. The correspondent says that the most trusted men in the Luglisli fnielitn service I elleve that war is Inevitable, and London newspapers aro already ending war correspondents to Bul garia. DE CilERS l'I.EVDS KINORINCE. M. Do Glers in au Interview to day said he did not kuow what the czar's present inten tions were, but he was miic Ku-sia would not occupy Bulgaria while the country was tran quil ltusls's position would be very delicate and critical should Prince Alexander Insist upon the execution of the men who led the conspiracy against him. De Glers spoke in condemnation of I'lluce Alexander's course and, alluding to England's action in the prem ises, said that she had ux-d everything that had come w.tliin her range as an' instalment against Hiisia. "Tho dVurth (firman djx He reiterates that Germany has no Interest whatever in Bulga ria, and says it is not worth while to keep" a single German soldier under arms on account of Bulgaria. The necessity of (ici man arma ments is due to France. Every French news paper "proves that France Is making rapid pieparatlons to light and that financial sacri fices are being made to raise the ellieiency of her army. Germany must nlnujs keep her eyes fixed on France." ALEXANDER NOT SANG TINE. Prince Dolgoroukl will not go to Bulgaria. The Kusslan ollicers who were in tho Bulga rian army prior to the coup d'etat will not re enter Prince Alexander's service. l'rinco Alexander Is said to bo not at all sanguiue of restorlug order and would abdi cate only that he is encouraged by England to persevere. Bucharest, Aug. 31. Three leaders of tho conspiracy against l'rlnce Alexander, Includ ing the treasurer of the revolutionary fund, have taken refuge In this city. The govern ment has deckled to expel them and has notified them that they must leave. The con spirators thereuton appealed to the Kusslan legation for protection, and telegrams wero passing between the legation and St. Peters burg during the whole of last night. Prince Alexander will airive at l'hlllppopo IIs to-morrow. Tirnova, Aug, 31. A number of addresses were presented to-day to Prince Alexander thanking lilm for returning to Bulgaria and demanding the execution of the traitors. The Prince received the garrison and sub sequently proceeded to l'lilllpjiopolis via Elena. MM. Gruell and BauderofT, the revolution ary leaders, will arrive to-morrow. They will be tried by a court martial. 'SOU IKS USE TlIEUl POWEllS, Tliry Are Sliowlny i Strony Front In the ProerrdinyK of Parliament. London, Aug. 31. In the house of com mons this afternoon Sir Michael HIcks-Bcach, chief secretary for Ireland, stated that during tho riots in Belfast one head constable had been killed, five officers and six members ot the constabulary had been seriously wounded, and altogether 322 jiollcemen had been more or less injured In tho encounters with the rioters. Peter Esslemont, liberal member ot Aber deenshire, moved an amendment to tho ad dress, expressing regret that the crofters act had not removed tho grievances of tho crofters. The amendment was supported by Messrs. McLearn, Clark and Mason (Gladstouinus), und by all the l'arnclites. Mr. Mason, in a speech, said that Scotland demanded homo rule applause. Dr. Tanner, (nationalist) condemned the condition of the Scotch croft ers, and said ho hoped that the Iilsh would usslst In rescuing them from the vulture Ilka landlords an act which would tend to make Ireland and Scotland more friendly, lie was proceeding to violently denounce the "policy of extermination," when tho speaker ordered him to his seat because his remaiks were Irrelevant. Mr. Balfour, secretary or Scotland, denied that the crofters sullercd more than others of a similar class lu Scotland, lie said it was more a question of over-population than of rent. The agiiatlou was due lu largo measure to the example of Ireland. The outrages and refusal to pav rent were not duo to poverty, but to the advice of agitators who wished to prevent emigration the natural remedy for over-population. Several members who had obtained the floor were ordered to rc-umo their seals for making Irrelevant remarks, having gone on todiBcusshouieiule. Mr. Esslcmout's amend ment was finally rejected by a vote of 203 to 121. Mr. Sextou moved that Cjc dobato bo ad journed. Mr. Parnell asked whether the government would give an evening sitting for the consid eration of .Mr. Sexton's aiiieiidineut relative to tho Belfast riots. Lord Randolph Churchill said that the government would not grant an evening, because It would prolong tho debate through the week. Mr. Sextou was not Inclined to movo his amendment on Wednesday, as he wanted to postpone the report stage until Thursday, but Lord Randolph Churchill's refusal to grant an evening for the discussion of tho amendment compels Mr. Sexton to move thu amendment on Wednesday. Mr. Sexton hints that If unrestricted tho Irish scakcrs would probably have prolonged the discussion unil Friday, whereas if Church Ill had granted au evening for the amendment the discussion ouId have been ended on Thursday. The l'arncllltci have received a "whip" urg ing their constant attendance during the de hate on the cstlciatcs. A DYXAMITE VFAIDICT. Chlcngo dispatch: Tho Journal tills af ternoon prints a long interview with tho condemned anarchist, Parsons. The day niter the Hnymurket meeting, Parsons (aid, ho left tho city for Elgin and from there went to Waukesha. Concerning tho verdict he said it was a trial by tho nows papors. When asked how tho newspaper criticisms could havo affected the jurors, he aid: "Our conviction did not depend en tirely upon the jury, but on the judgo, wit nesses and counsel, and even tho bailiffs who summoned the jurors, and the very spectators, who with excited countonunccs crowded the court room and the pathway of thu jury through the street. No judga on earth, however upright, could bo unaf fected by tho howl of the newspapers. No witness on earth could keep it from inspir ing and coloring his evidence." Continuing, Parsons said the verdict was a dynamite verdict, and that dynamite was used by striking dry goods clerks in New York city, and striking miners in Hocking Valley and Beverly, Mo., used it, hb also did the car strikers at St. Louis. Parsons wound up by declaring he expected a reversal ol the verdict by tho supreme court. 1 SHORT MENTION. Storm signals red eye. Not a bomb proof Ji.dge Uary. Pits the j;ift of liiotlitsrs-iu-law. A small "nickel" may cause a great quarrel. Women's rights are maintained by men's bayonets. lloot-snakes come by practice, l'hoy aro not water-snakes. Can n 'long swallow ily A nip at obi rye I "lir You'd better hot try " To make a "long swallow" fly. The anarelrsts will begin practicing at an early day on tight rope last act. It is thought an honor to teach boys ind girls letters a disgrace to teach ;hem to work. Why? Spies and Fielden, anarchists, are thinking of speech-making to a select ludienco from the scallohh Steamer men aro looking forward to jrossing the Atlantic with palatial Heamcrs in four days' time. Drainage wanted. Secure tho ser riees of a few bummers: draining is their business draining glas-.es. lloth men and women have a fond ness for gla-i.ses; those the men admire asually hold "two or three lingers." That "tied" in the nifairs of men Of wli, eh old Shakspeare thought, We realise most surely when Tied in the marriage knot. Most oung men are reported better ;haracters because of church going. They have themselves only to blame if andeserving. Nelly Illy has lot her hand! Chorus Df Kxeiti'd Female Voices Why. what lo urn mean? Why, shu lias promised t lo Ned liroiison. At Fort Smith, Arkansas, there have been eighty-six capital convictions ind forty-six executions since 1S71, nearly all from Indian Territory. The possession of land enables one to amplov his own labor. The industrious suUivatiou of land enables some to sell labor, others lo sell the products of 'abor. Mr. Joseph Alp'iouso Calhoun Sang to Ids love hv the light of the moon, AN hen the dog, roused Irom sleep, At Calhoun made n leap They'll Inter his suspenders at noon. United Ireland, a Dublin newspaper, jails the recent victory over Uludstono in the United Kingdom "the trick sters, soreheads, and mountebanks' grab after the emoluments of power." . (lone the cashier books examined not a cent wanting, but in u terrible state -a clear case ot suicide because he couldn't keep books. "Moral Had ho gone to Canada lie could havo eomo back. A well-fed, well-dressed body of militia is generally called a crack reg iment, a fact which reminds us that the ragired, half-starved battalions of the Confederacy used to be called cracker regiments, and they did a cracking business. Ciicayo l.ctbjcr. Their Golden Wedding. A half century, these two, Life's changing w ays had journeyed through. Vet, looking back upon that time When thrilled their hearts to love's sweet chime, It seems but yesterday, the swell Of marriage bells so softly fell So sweetly breathed the summer air, The ee.-tuey of youth ut pair. And to their lives the passing years Have yielded more of joy than" tears. For souls milled by love's tie Above life's potty cares are high. So toward the sunset ot their years, These two may gaze through happy tears. The thought of death nosonow brings, Since hope its rainbow promise lllngs Across that dark and lonely tea For there Is Love's eternity. And so these two walk side by side, Waiting with calm the eventide, Walling the slide of golden bars To that sweet realm beyond the stars, And when together they shall rest, May childieu's chlldieu call them blest. AVio Oiliaun Timex-IJeinccrut. A Pleasant Koom for fho Girl. Tho first tiling wo must do is to get riil of tho popular fallacy that any closet or room will do for the servants to sleep in, so that wo aro apt to g.vo them such accommodation that every spark of ambition (if it lias ever been kindled) dies at ouee with the first glance at the only place sho can call lier own. Jn arranging the division of rooms m your house, do, if possible, select some airy, attractive placo which may be converted into a pleasant living room. 1 know tho builderd of houses aro now giving fni more attention to servants' rooms than formerly, so don't let old fashioned ideas flash against progress, don't look into the neatly pnpored, painted and well ventilated room and say, "too good." and set up tho old, broken, defaced furnituro in a loft or closet, or tiuv out-of-the-way corner, which "can't lie spoiled." (live the girls a room in wh cli they can take pride, and tiion try to rouse in them a sense of delight in pleasant and orderly surroundings. It may bo dor mant and slow in coining to life, lint with coaxing, as well as discipline, with a continued repetition of your demand for neatness, it will come. Uood Housekeeping. A Self-Siicriflcing Sociely 51nn. "Hello, Verisopht. Have you jusl got back to town?" "Yaas." "Have a lively tinio?" "Vans." "Went rowing, I suppose." "Naw." "Driving?" ' "Naw." "Tenuis?" "Naw." "Why, what the duoc'o did you do witli yourself then?" "Stwotchcd in a hammock, dealt boy, and let tho girls spoon me." "Woll, that wasn't so downright bad, I must say." "First claws for tho girls, denh boy, but a day vclish haw faw me, 1 assuah you. Still, a fellaw has to sacwilice hhuHolf forsawciety now and Ihon."- Town 2'ojnc3. JUVENILE JOKES. Little Carrie (!. said she liked sea bathing, only her mouth leaked and let in salt water. A bad little Milwaukee boy, having been expelled from school, returned in girl'a clothes, and tiie imposture was not discovered for several months. Mark Twain lias furnished parents' witli a valuable recipe for bringing up boys. "Take 'em by tho hair of thu head." he says, "and you' re pretty sure to catch Vim" "What is a lake?" asked a teacher. A bright little Irish bov raised his hand. "Well. Mickey, what "is it?" "Slime, it's a hole in tho kittle, mum." Per haps ho thought she meant leak. "How that child does squall!" uv cla'med a girl to her friend, as shejnod ded toward a Chinese baby. "Of course." replied her friend; "every copper-colored Chinese baby is sure lo be a little iccr.'" Teacher (to a boy in grammar class) -"John, correct the follow ing sentence: 'It are very cold.' " (John as ho wipes the perspiration from his forehead with his shirt-sleeve) "It aro blooming 'ot." "Tommy," said a mother to her seven-year-old boy. "you must not interrupt me when I am talking with ladies. You must wait till we slop, and then von can talk." "lint you never stop!" retorted the boy. Gay old gentleman (to boy, on twelfth birthday) "I hope you will improve in wisdom, knowledge, and virtue." lloy (politely returning com pliment, totally unconscious of sar casm) "The same to you, sir." "And how does Charlie like going to school?" kindly inquired a good man ot a six-year-old boy. "1 like going well enough," replied the embryo statesman, ingeniously, "but 1 don't like .staving after I got' there." "Julia, my little cherub, when does your sister Ida return?" Julia "I don't know." "Didn't sho say any thing before sho went away?"" Julia "She said that if you came" to see her she'd bo gone till doomsday." llobhv (at the dinner table) -Will you teli us about your escape after dinner, Mr Keatherly? Voting Mr. Featherly (a guest) About what es cape. Hobby? 1 have no escape. Hob by Yes you have. The fool-killer, you, know. Pa told sister yesterday that he wondered how you had escaped him so long. "When was Komo built?" asked a boarding-school teacher of the lirst class in ancient history. "In the night." answered a bright Utile girl. "In the night?" exclaimed the astonished teacher. "How do you make that out?" "Why, 1 thought everybody knew that 'Home wasn't built in a day!" replied the child. Ch catjo l.ctlycr. Tho lie tier Part of Valor. "There. I think that will lix him," said the editor of a Dakota paper to tho foreman. "Here is what 1 say: Thu miserable, cowardly, sneaking whelp who makes a sickening and dis gusting ollort to edit tho daub known to thu half-dozen or so who are aware that it is published hero as The Corktown Mortuc printed another batch of base and silly lies about us last week. Wo take this occasion to give the above mentioned howling idiot notice that we will shoot him on sight. Wo havo stood all that we propose to. Wo shall go uriui'd, and thu lunk-headed, overgrown calf had butter keen out of our sight if he values his miserable, worthless life.' " "Hold on," said thu foreman, look ing out of the window; "better got out your gun; he's coming now." "Why, good morning, major; come in," said the bloodth rsty journalist, laying down tho manuscript. "I was reading over one of my editorials, in which 1 call upon congress to quit tarill' tinkering and get down to tho crying needs of the country. It's dis gusting, tho way it neglects business, isn't it?" "It is for a fact; I proposo to refer to it myself this week. Well, 1 can't stop now!" "Oh, don't bo in a hurry; sorry wo can't do anvlh'ng for you to-day. Woll, good morning, major." "(Jood-morning." Eslcllino Hell. What She Was Thinking Of. Ho was rather sentimental, and lie and his friend were in the park. A littlo way ofV two ladies wore sealed. Ono of thorn was very pensive, and ex tremely pretty. Sho was resting her cheek on her hand, and lier eyes were full of far oil' contemplation. "She is pretty, isn't she?" said he. "Hv Jovo, I'm falling In lovo with that girl. 1 wonder who tho fellow is she's thinking about? I say, wouldn't it bo pleasant to think a pretty girl like that could sit and dream about you as she's dreaming about somebody? Let's walk past and look at her." So they walked slowly past. Tho maiden was still wrapt in contempla tion, and, as they passed, her compan ion said, quite distinctly: "Now, i'liiilv, this is all foolishness. Let's go in to Dr. and lot him take the tooth out." San Francisco Chron icle. Ono of tho Tests. "You say," continued tho lawyor in tho cross-oxaniiniition of a witness, "that Jones is your friend?" "Yes, sir." "What reason havo you to believe that ho is you friend?" "Wo havo associated togothur for ton years." "Well?" "Wo never had a word of dispute" "Well?" "I havo always found him fair and square." "That may bo, but did you over ask him to buck a note at tho bank for you?" "No, glr." "Thou yon don't know him don't begin to know anything about him, sir, and j ou shouldn't assort that you did." Detroit Free Frest, YAW Nye's New Hook. There will soon bo issued, says 57itf Current, from tho press of Messrs. A. 1'. Davis & Company of Chicago, a new book entitled "Remarks by Hill Nye," to be sold by subscription only. It will bo profusely illustrated, and will con tain about -lot) octavo pages, of tho best work of its author, of whom it would bo gilding refined gold to praise. The whole continent is burning his in cense; so arc England and Australia. The publishers have asked the gontlo cyclone compcllor of thu north to write, down his thoughts upon this voluino which lie will now require tho peoplo to read. He has willingly complied, and we beg our friends and his friends to help h in and The Current by giving his littlo prospectus a merry-go-round in tho press. H1I.I. NYK'S I'ltOSIT.CTlTS. "IlrnsoN, Wis., August 18, 188G. "To those who pant for a good book with amusing pictures and grammati cal reading matter on tho inside, let mo say, 'Pant no more'!!! "I will have such a voluino read in a few weeks. It is now in tho hay press, and moist-browed agents with oil-cloth grips are soliciting the names of our best people with marked suc cess. "I havo been the author of other books, but this one is gi cater in every way than all the others united. It is longer, wider and purer. Mr. Coin stock has pawed over it and gone away perfectly delighted. Mr. Herg has ran sacked its virgin pages aud chasto il lustrations, and status that there is in it no specific violation of tho laws re lating to cruelty to dumb brutes. It has boon tested by the police and tried with acids, and every body agrees that it is a good book for ono and all. "Everything that could harrow up the feelings or provoke a llow of an guish has been carefully expunged. I nave had two rapid oxpungors from the East working on it night and day for soveral weeks. "The book will explain a good many things that havo heretofore remained unexplained, such as spots on tho sun, how to make a good paste for wall pa per that will not shrink the room when applied, how to win the affections of Capital, how to writo for thu- press, how to set broad, how to purify tho liver without removing. Personal rem iniscences, experiments with starva tion; in all, over U00 pages of thinks that I havo thought. "Had I not full confidence and child like faith in the beauty aud merit of the book, money would not hire mo to thus indorse it. Yours truly. "Hill Nye." Tho Theological Wait era. At many of tho summer resorts, which aro patronized so liberally by jicoplo from the cities in search of fresh air, thu waiters aro ofton theo logical students who utilize tho oppor tunity of gathering in shokols to assist them in bearing tho oxpouso of tliolr future education. The theological waiter is, generally speaking, a mild, sad-faced young man with a pensivo uxpression. Tho best thing about hlin is the absence of beard. Thu bearded waiter usually carries a good deal of it about in sections on ills soup plates. For this reason tho theo logical waiter corrals many a quiet dime which would otherwise coutinuo to nostio cosily in tho garments of tho city boarder. in other respoctstho amateur waiter is as full of discrepancies as a shad is of bones. Ho is so slow that tho boardur takes, beside tho usual corn beef and cabbage, au hour and a half to oat his dinner. This is particularly tho caso with the boarder who fails to tip tho waiter. It is said that every thing coi'no3 to the man who waits, but tho boarder who waits for his dinner, but don't tip tho waiter, don't got much, and what ho does get is usually poured down tho back of his neck, ac cidentally of course. The theological waiter novor smiles. When the famished boarder says that tho beef in that hostelry is so tough you can't stick a fork in tho gravy, or ox presses surprise that the chickens run prino pally to neck and collar-bono. or that tho H. 0. on tho Hoston crackers moans "Heforo Christ," so old arethoy, in none of these cases does tho waiter smile. Either ho lias hoard those chestnuts before, or olso ho considers it wicked to jest on serious subjects, for a sad look liko that of an undertaker screwing down a coflln lid comes over Ids features. Tho only tlmo tjiat tho gloom is par tially dispelled Is' whenvtho departing guest shovos a quarter at him. As tho theological waiter blond, for a brief moment, a faint smile, liko a gleam of sunshine on a tombstone, comes over tho tablet of ids thoughts, but it does not stay there. It is only a transient boarder. Texas Sifiinys". A Clever Mixer. Tlioy wore all at a bar, as was not unusual, and while tho bartondor was serving thorn tlioy got to discussing mixed drinks. Tho Doo had boon vory quiet for a time, whan ho slid into tho conversation quietly and quite unob trusively. "Mixed drinks," ho said, "you talk about mixed driuks. Thoro aro soma clever mixors of drinks in this place, but I know a matt in tho oast tho boss. Novqr saw anybody liko him. Groat! I havo seon that man I havo soeu that man mix a whisky cock tall lu ouo glass and a gin cooktail in another, take thorn both up, ono in (ho left hand und tho other in his right, and toss tho whisky cocktail into tho gin glass aud tho gin into tho whisky glass for ton minutes at a time and never mix two drops of thorn!" San Fran cisco Chronicle. Sho Kept Out of the Stooraffo. When I camo from Europo last tlmo," obsorvod Mrs. Fanglo, "I de lighted to watch thorn ster the vessel. Did you, Mrs. Snaggs, when you took your trip?" No, I didn't." repliotlMrti.,SqgN, "In fact I wasn't near tho 8UserfiMe wliojo voyago," Pittsburgh C'ArvHe" TdegrapH.