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About Corvallis gazette. (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909 | View Entire Issue (July 26, 1901)
Somewhere in the distant southland
Blooms a garden lost to me
fiVarm with poppies burning fragrant.
Drowsy fires I may not see.
'Subtle shadows flit and beckon
Down dim pathways bound with yew,
Where a white wraith wanders lonely
'Twixt the darkness and the dew.
'In the mined walls that echoed
Once to happy-hearted moods,
Now the stealthy, lightfoot lizards
Unmolested rear their broods.
'And beneath the oleanders.
No clear voice sings, as of old;
But the fleet caressing sunbeams
Whisper secrets to their mold.
"Though I follow as the sonthwind
Fares his way through wood and plain.
Though I question hill and valley,
I shall never find again
"My lost garden where lie buried
Joys that 'swift the glad hours sped;
Only one could bid me enter;
Only Love and Love is dead!"
HN the sunshiny room of Mrs. Endl
cott there was a buzz of conversa
tion and the sound of snipping of
scissors, and It was evident that the
Embroidery circle of Huxbridge was In
conclave. Mandy Nichols occupied the
chair by the window, and as she raised
her head from the bit of satin on which
she was working an Impossible flower,
she gave an exclamation.
"Here is Mrs. Hemenway," she an
nounced, "and the little widow Just
passed her in her carriage and bowed
"The impudent thing. Did Mrs. Hem
enway oh, here she Is," and the host
ess arose to greet her guest, who with
much rustling of stiff silk entered the
"So glad you came, dear," cried Mrs.
"HELEN BKCKIVED A NOTE."
Endicott "But you look rather up
set." ' -
"That impertinent little minx Just
bowed to me as I was entering your
gate, Mrs. Endicott"
"The idear "Impudent!" "Horrible!"
came from the different parts of the
"But I glared at her," added Mrs.
"I saw her talking with the minister
last night and I shouldn't wonder but
that she will sing in the choir," said
"If she Joins the choir, then I leave.
I won't sit in the same bench with a
singer of French songs," said another,
the leader of the choir.
"And the way she runs after the
men," spoke up Mrs. Endicott. "My
husband declares she is the brightest
little woman in town."
"Oh, a man always falls in love with
a woman when she is French, a widow
and a little mysterious. Mr. Endicott
Is not the only man who admires Mrs.
Sartorls," ventured Mandy with a look
in Mrs. Hemenway's direction. Unfor
tunately that woman intercepted the
look and ber whole figure set in stiff,
rigid lines. And in a short time the
circle broke up.
Helen Sartorls was a young widow,
who, with her 4-years-old child and two
maids, had taken up ber residence in
Huxbridge some two months since. The
good people of the town called upon
her and their calls were dutifully re
turned, and the widow seemed charm
ing . until it was discovered that the
men of the town were raving about her.
Then the women froze In their manner
towards her, and after a few wretched
days, filled with snubs and cold glares
from her erstwhile friends, the little
widow laughed at her persecutors and
their snubs and became deeply gracious
to the male relatives of these same
women. Of course, this was the worst
possible course for her to pursue but
she wajs a woman.
The grounds of Mrs. Hemenway ad
joined those of Mrs. Sartorls, so that it
was not wonderful that Guy Hemen
way should see the widow in her gar
den and fall In love with her pretty
little self. And Helen, her short mar
ried live having been loveless and cold,
welcomed the new tender feeling in her
heart for Guy Hemenway.
' When Mrs. Hemenway reached home
that afternoon she was much excited
over the hint she received from Mandy,
"I hear Mrs. Sartorls is Joining the
Choir, she said.
" "Well, she ought to. She has a de
lightful voice." -v.
"Have you heard her sing?" inquired
his mother, sharply.
Guy recovered himself. "Yes, often.
to her little girl in the garden here."
"Ah, you do not know all about that
woman. Her poor child! She neglects
. her, leaves her to the care of the ser
vants while she reads French novels
and bleaches her hair. They say she
actually beats the child. One might
expect cruelty from a person with
- green eyes."
"Mother.1" broke in the young man.
"Oh, men do not believe it Of course
not But to think of a woman ill-treat
ing a little child " but her son had
. left her and the old woman returned to
On tba other side of the bushes
woman knelt irlts white, sad face, ber
"XtTI'OAiOBTrE FOR STREET CAR SERVICE.
' 1 A'?
- trt: ! ' 1 '
Street cars without tracks, cable, trolley, or horses and, most of all, without
franchises, soon will be running regularly on the streets of Chicago. The first
one of the omnibus automobiles has started on ita regular ronte between Jackson
boulevard and Lincoln Park. It is the first automobile in' Chicago to carry forty
or more people. The passenger on the "Imperial" may take his choice between
two decks. No matter where he goes, the promoters of the omnibus line declare,
he will be provided with a seat. The omnibus is thirty feet long. It is equipped
with four driving wheels with motor hubs, the tires being of solid rubber.
From a beginning with one vehicle and one route the company promises to ex
tend its service to carry passengers on a number of routes into the heart of the
city. From the moment every seat in an omnibus is taken the vehicle will be
come an "express car," say the promoters, and will make no stop on the route
until the first passenger reaches his destination. The cabs are to be lighted and
heated by electricity and electric push buttons are provided at every seat. The
strength of the driving wheels is expectej to enable each omnibus to carry a
trailer. Each wheel is a driving unit, the two front wheels being steering wheels
as well. The storage battery system will tie used and the vehicles will be charged
at the end of each run, which will not average more than four or five miles. - The
Hub Motor Transit Company is incorporated for $1,000,000.
arms clasped tightly about a small re
production of herself in white muslin.
The child moved in her arms and the
woman's face lost its strained look.
The next morning Helen received a
note from Mrs. Hemenway asking her
to call. At first she was Inclined to re
fuse, but instead she waited until late
in the day, and then donned her fluf
fiest, most frivolous looking frock and
entered the Hemenway home In her
gayest humor. But the gayety vanish
ed when Helen saw how ill Mrs. Hem
Her hostess motioned her to a chair
and began icily: "I sent for you to ap
peal to your honor regarding my son.
I " but the rest was never finished,
as Mrs. Hemenway swooned, and would
have fallen but for Helen's strong
young arms. She sent a servant for
the doctor, and then did her best for
the woman who had insulted her. The
physician arrived, and at the same time
Guy Hemenway. One glance at the pa
tient, and the doctor said bluntly:
Helen went white to the lips, and put
her soft hands to her pretty, flower-like
face. The maids fled from the room.
I am sorry, Mrs. Sartorls," said the
doctor, "but I will have to isolate you
until I am sure you have not caught
the infection." - -
The little widow looked at her enemy
as she lay helpless, looked at Guy as
he tried to take her from the room, and
thought of Bebe.
It would be easier for you to look
after us together," she said, bravely,
though her face was still white, "there
fore, I shall stay with Mrs. Hemenway
If you will promise to look after my
little girl" . ;
And weeks later, when Mrs. Hemen
way took her first drive her son held the
ribbons, while a little auburn-haired
child sat at his side, and Helen, now
Mrs. Hemenway, looked after the old
er woman's . comfort. PhiladelDhia
Item. - - "
BIRDS THAT KILL RATTLERS.:"
Road Banners of Arizona a Dead It
Enemy to the Snakes.
iu b rauuiry wnere a quarter or a
century ago a rattlesnake was to be
found under every rock and in every
hillock, the reptile is rapidly becomin?
a rarity. With his human relative, the
Apache, the rattler Is disappearing
from Arizona and is now found only
in tne most isolated districts.
To the advance of civilization and the
unremitting warfare of the road run
ner and the king snake may be attrib
uted the extermination of the rattler.
Wherever Irrigation has found its way.
tne rattlesnake lias been driven-, to
higher ground, and there the prospect
or and miner have slain him whenever
and wherever found. The road runner.
that long-legged, feathered warrior, the "
fighting cock of the desert,, has done
his part, and has done it well. -.- I
Much resembling, but more lightly
constructed than the fighting cock, the
road runner is one of the most dreaded
enemies of the rattler. In fact, so
great are his snake-killing proclivities
that heavy penalties are provided by
the territorial statutes as a protection
to blm from the gun of the hunter. Ap
parently immune from the venom in
the poison sac of the rattler, the road
runner attacks the largest snake with
impunity, and has never been known to
lose a fight Frequently, Indeed, the
road runner has been known to battle
with and kill a pair of large diamond
rattlers, whose total weight was five
times that of his own.
Not so common an enemy to . the
rattlesnake, but no less deadly, is the
king snake, a large species of the bull
snake family. Rarely seen in the lower
countries, but often found in the North
ern forests and higher mountains, the
king snake wages constant warfare oh
the rattler, and when his great lithe
form coils around the body of the rat
tlesnake, the life, of the later Is a mat
ter of only a few seconds.
CHASING AFTER FIRES. .
A Mew Wrinkle in the Insurance Bust-
.-.-J,' ues Said to Pay Well. . -
The latest thing for fire insurance
agents to do is to be on the spot look
ing for new business while old business
is burning up. One of -the canvassers
of a New England company began to
make money so rapidly a few months
ago that some of his competitors tried
to find out how he did it
They learned that he made a special
ty of following the fire engines, and if
the fire happened to be in a tenement
house or flat, he waited until the flames
were subdued and reaped a harvest by
insuring the other tenants and neigh-
bors. Most people are apt to be so bad
ly scared by a fire near their home that
if not insured they are glad to take ou:
policies on the spot. It didn't take the
other agents long to catch on, and it is
said that .the other day after a five
twenty-one agents wrote seyenty poli
cies in the immediate neighborhood.
"It ia a great scheme," said one of
these agents yesterday. "All one has
to do is to bit the Iron while it is hot.
Don't talk insurance to any of the ten
ants or neighbors while the fire Is go
ing on, because they are likely to be
too excited to think of anything' but
their personal safety. When every
thing is quieted down and the fire en
gines are going away is the time to
Jump - in with your proposition. Of
course, none of the larger companies
permit agents to get business hi this
way, but tbere are countless small un
derwriters who never question the
source from which an application
comes so ..long as the risk is not un
usual. This chasing after fires is one
of the new wrinkles of the fire insur
ance business. A profitable one, too."
New York Sun.
PHILIP C. SHAFFER.
New Imperial Potentate of ths Mystic
Philip C. Shaffer, the new Imperial
potentate of the Nobles of the Mystic
Shrine, Is a native of Philadelphia.
and one of the best
known men In that
city. He has Just
entered . upon ., his.
-fifty rflrst year and
for more than one
half of his life has
been a Mason. Up
wards of seventeen
years ago he Joined
the Shrlners, .and
for twelve years he
officiated in - the
post of Oriental
Guide of Lu - Lu
temple ; In Philadelphia. ,For ' three
years he was the potentate of the tem
ple, and he was elected to the office of
the deputy Imperial potentate at the
last meeting of the Shrlners. Mr. Shaf
fer, as may be imagined, is one of the
most enthusiastic of the Shrlners in the
country.- He Is devoted to Isplrit and
purpose of this order, and few met
have more mystic friends than he has
in his home city and throughout the
country.'- It was believed from the be
ginning 'that' he would be promoted
from the second highest to the highest
office In the order. Mr. Shaffer Is promi
nent in the furniture trade of the city
of Philadelphia. r : "
A Remarkable Family
John Chandler, who resides in Allen
County, is the father of twenty-nine
children,' twenty-one of whom are liv
ing and have families. These twenty
one children have an average of five
children each family,. thus making
Mr., Chandler the grandfather ot 105
persons. ' But this is not the full extent
of. bis offspring,, for he has thirty-five
greatgrandchildren, so It will be seen
that Mr. Chandler stands pater faini-
lias of ; 162 an achievement rarely
equaled. It is certainly not paralleled
when the fact: is considered that the
members of this large family are all
Mr. Chandler is a remarkable man in
several other respects. - Although 75
years of age and residing in the hills
of Allen County, he reads current liter
ature and keeps himself informed .on
the leading topics of the day." His eye
sight is perfect, and he reads the finest
print without the aid of glasses. He
is an expert rifle shot and spends a
great deafcof his time squirrel hunting.
He cast his first ballot for a Presiden
tial candidate In 1848 for Taylor, the
Whig nominee, but for the past fifty
years has voted the Democratic ticket
His wife, who is three .years older than
he. is bale and hearty. Bowling Green
Times. - ' ".' : ' ' :
. Small Beginnings, Big Results.
- The Tuskegee Normal and Industrial
Institute for colored students 'started
in a little shanty with one teacher and
thirty students. At present thjre are
about 1,100 students and eighty-two in
structors.. Starring with no property
the institution now owns property val
ued at $350,000, Including more than
2,000 acres of land and - forty -eight
buildings,- Practically all of the build
ings have been erected by the labor of
the students themselves. Collier's
Weekly. - ' ;'-.! .ii'V';;
Cents and Nickela lo Demand. .
. According to United. States Treasurer
Roberts, cents and nickels are now be
ing used to a much greater extent jthan
ever before. ...
P. C. SHAFFER.
RUINED BY MOTHEB.
WHY THE NEWELL BOYS TURNED
Taught by Their Over-Indula;ent Mater
that Their 8Ut:ra Should Wait Upon
Them Lack of Ambition Bring Bad
Luck to the Family.
"But, land of love. Miss Percy, didn't
they have the same borne and training?
Didn't they have the same sweet moth
er and upright manly father? . Weren't
they surrounded by the same good in
fluences? Didn't they have the same
godly example? I don't see why the
Newell boys all turned out such worth
less fellows, while the girls grew into
noble women. There's Lucy, now our
minister's wife cultivated, sweet-tempered
and benevolent Who ever saw
a lovelier lady than Alice? And Harriet
is all that could be desired. I don't un
derstand it, Miss Percy; I declare 1
don't. We all know Bob and Frank
Newell are Idle and worthless. How la
itr - ', ,;v-
"Stop a minute, Mrs. Harrison," . re
sponded Miss Percy; "did they have the
same training? I know' they were
brought up under the same roof, but
they were brought up very differently,
I assure you. Bob and Frank Newell
were good enough to begin with, but
their doting mother has ruined them.
Why, Mrs. Harrison, those boys used
to come into the house and throw their
caps and Jackets on the floor for' their
mother or sisters to pick up and put
away. : r . . . . .
"The mother, you know, was a weak.
good-natured woman: who worshiped
her husband and sons, and was content
to slave and pick up for them, believing
it was all unselfish devotion. But the
girls rebelled poor things. No wonder!
Then Mrs. Newell would say, 'Why,
Alice!' or 'Why, Lucy! . I'm surprised
at you. ; Won't you do that much for
your dear brothers? I'm sure It's a mere
trifle for them to ask of you.' And poor
Lucy or Alice would go back and wait
on the boys, thinking they must be
selfish things to grudge this constant
service. ' ' ' ...
"When Harriet was a little thing Mr.
Newell died, leaving his large fortune
to his wife. They were living in New
York then, and Lucy and Alice were
young ladles beginning to enjoy life in
a large city.: Bob and Frank were not
engaged in any business; they couldn't
make money, it seemed, though they
could spend fast enough. . ,
"First they tried manufacturing
cloth. They rented a mill and hired a
superintendent Then they paid brief
daily visits to their office from ten till
two. The superintendent had entire
control of them and the business, and
he managed both to bis own profit
When manufacturing failed, the boys
tried one thing after another, until.
finally, they determined to try farming.
"Their weak, fond mother, whose
faith in her boys seemed to increase
with their increasing helplessness, sold
her house in New York and came to
this remote village to live. Harriet was
a child then to be educated. Lucy and
Alice were enjoying the pleasures and
advantages of New York; . but they
were not to be considered for a mo
ment Education, pleasure and friend
snips must De Droken . on; expenses
must be cut down to the lowest penny
all to help those precious spendthrift
boys, who had yet to make their first
sacrifice for either mother or sisters.
"They bought old Lemuel White's
farm, the best place for miles and
miles. - But it was the old story; no
body about the place knew anything
but themselves, nobody's advice would
they take, and everything about the
farm was expected to look after itself.
They bought all the patent reapers
and mowers advertised In the county
papers; but wben the time came to use
them Bob wanted to go to a fair, and
Frank couldn't find the hay hook. When
the neighboring farmers were planting
corn It was discovered that the new
patent corn drill was' out of order, or
wouldn't work. Everything about the
place went down, except the debts,
which rose higher and higher. Bob and
Frank cursed their luck and took to
drinking; the farm had to be sold at
last and poor Mrs. Newell woke up one
morning to find herself homeless.
"Lucy and Alice went to New York
and found employment through former
friends of their father. For five years
they ' supported their mother; then
Lucy married, and soon after ; Alice.
Mrs. Newell makes', her. home with
Alice, you know, and Harriet supports
herself. ; The boys, for whom every one
else was sacrificed, can barely earn a
living, and are poor, shiftless creatures,
who will never rise. - - v
"I tell you, Mrs. Harrison, it was the
difference hi their training which made
the Newell boys and girls differ- The
girls : are taught to be unselfish,
thoughtful and considerate. 1 The boys
were trained to regard their sisters and
mother as servants and themselves as
superior beings, to whose comfort ev
erything must be subservient Natu
rally they grew up thinking their ease
of more Importance than the rights of
other people. '. Their mother ruined
them." 1 " ;v : . Y ' -
"Well," said Mrs. Harrison, rising
slowly, "I shall make my Jack hang up
his cap and Jacket when I go home.'J
Good Housekeeping. '"i;
WHEN THE EYE DOES NOT SEE.
New L of Vision Discovered that Ac
" counts for Certain Optical Effect.
Two series of investigations of far
reaching Importance to physiological
optics have been completed during the
past year In the psychological labora
tory of Wesleyan "University at Middle
town, Conn., by Prof. Raymond Dodge
and students of the university. :
The first series definitely established
a new law of vision, almost revolution
ary In its consequences. It was proven
that the eyes, when in motion, can dis
tinguish nothing in any complex field
of vision over which they sweep. In
order to see any object at rest the eye
niuBt remain motionless looking at some
definite part of it for an appreciable
length of time. If the eyes move, they
see nothing for about one-twentieth of
a second. ' This explains the success of
those sleight-of-hand tricks in which
rapid movements of the fingers are ab
solutely unseen, while the eyes follow
the larger morementa of the band. It
also explains the' necessity of looking
at a relatively fixed point In boxing.
fencing, etc '
While the new law will necessitate a
reinvestigation of many psychological
problems, it has an especially obvious
bearing. on the psychology of reading.
Four years ago. In collaboration with
Prof. Benno Erdmann, then of the Uni
versity of Halle, Prussia, Prof. Dodge
demonstrated that, contrary to the gen
eral impression, the eyes do not move
regularly over a page as we read, but
make a series of distinct pauses as they
sweep along each line of print
At that ; time evidence was made
which seemed to show that the eyes
actually saw the ' words only during
these pauses.' That evidence has re
cently been called in question by emi
nent authorities. The new experiments
finally settle the question beyond all
doubt, and justify the psychologically.
as well as pedagogically, important con
clusion that In reading the true unit of
stimulation Is not the Individual let
ter, but a more or less extended group
The second series was a quantitative
study of the eye movements, with par
ticular reference to the rapidity of read
ing. This series involved the invention
of a unique method of measuring the
movements of the eye ami the design
ing of a considerable amount of new
apparatus, by the aid of which the first
accurate measurements of the eye
movements were affected. These
measurements not only show the
length, number, and velocity of the
movements of the eye during reading,
but they also furnish the first exact
data for a study of the co-ordination of
the eyes and the muscular fatigue of
reading. Chicago Tribune. .
A Hundred Years Ago.
Men conldn't steam across the sea,
A hundred years ago.
And money wasn't all they thought
Worth having here below; ,
They had no elevators then
To hoist them through the air.
And yet they thought the poor old guys,
That they were wonderful and wise,
And that the world was fair. .
Men couldn't talk by telephone,
A hundred years ago;
They sowed and reaped and thrashed by
hand. -' .- . ,
And when the streams were low
They had to stop the mills and wait
For God's good rain to fall,
And yet they proudly went abont
With heads held high and chests pushed
And thought they knew it all.
Their battleships were made, of wood,
A hundred years ago,
And oh, the weak old ways they had '
For laying people low! ' '
They had no lightning trains on which
To flit athwart the scene.
And yet those poor, benighted men '
Supposed that things were perfect then
Alas! but they Were green! .
Men had to load each time they shot,
A hundred years ago,
And then, alas! they had no gas
" To light things here below!
There were no trolley cars to dodge.
No horseless things to tame.
And yet, poor fools, they thought that
- ' they -
Had all the blessings, in their day, : ,
' That men might ever claim!
.... . ji
But they had pessimists around -"
A hundred years ago.
Who mourned because their sons conld
ne'er - ..- - .
Obtain a proper show!
And they predicted dire things
They thought the end was near;
They fancied that the devil then
Worked overtime in urging men .
To start red havoc here.
Shabby Earl of Norfolk.
As Is well known, the Duke of Nor
folk, the premier peer of ' England,
whose title dates back to the earliest
times and whose wealth Is boundless, is
very careless of his personal appear
ance.. No one meeting him would take
him for other than a very ordinary man
i tradesman or mechanic, perhaps.
He, by virtue of the security of his title,
is the marshal of England and at all
royal functions ef a public character
acts -as marshal of th day. A well-
Known woman or quality naa a house
near Arundel, and when she and her
family were removing to London the
Duke contemplated- buying the place as
a house for a' member of his family.
One morning Mrs. was in her bed
room shortly after breakfast when a
servant came up to tell her that a mes
senger had called from - the , castle.
"Where is he?" she asked. : "Ob! he's
in the hall,; ma'am." .. Knowing the
Duke's habits of activity in the country
ghe felt some- misgivings and hurried
downstairs to find the Earl-marshal of
England sitting quite patiently on a hall
chair with his hat ia his hands. V She
overwhelmed him with apologies, of
course, but the Duke was most amused
and laughingly said that he delighted in
an appearance which protected . him
from attentions which would make hia
:;-In a 8orry Plight. ;
A Maine family, whose woodpile has
been mysteriously dwindling of nights,
decided to fill, one or two tempting big
sticks with gunpowder and see if thus
they could stop - these depredations.
They carried out . these plans and
watched for the shingles to rise on the
cottages where the suspects lived.'1 The
wind rose first, however; and upset the
Woodpile, and nov the owners of the
wood can't for the life of them : tell
which sticks are loaded. In the mean
time every time a stick of wood Is put
In the stove the whole crowd bolts for
"Amateur is from the French aimer,
to love, is it not?"
"I believe It Is."
-., "The Idea being, doubtless, that ama
teurs .don't positively hate each other,
aa professionals do." Detroit Journal.
In the matter of population Germany
(55,345,000) ranks after European Rus
sia (106,159,000) and the United States
"Ah, Miss Clarlndl! may 1 dream that
'you will return my love?" -
- "You may, but It won't come true!"
A real good wife is one who will let
ber husband tell a story without inter
rupting him. . . , ..
SUPPOSE WE SMILE.
HUMOROUS PARAGRAPHS FROM
THE COMIC PAPERS. .
Pleasant Incident OccurrinaT the
.World Over- Baying that Are Cheer
ful to Old or Xounsr Funny Selec
, tlona that Everybody Will Knjoy.
, An Expensive Luxury.
"Yes," said the reformed man to an
impecunious friend, "why don't you
give np some of your expensive luxu
ries?. Now, for Instance, look at me.
I gave up smoking about a year ago. I
decided I. could do without It Last
monjh I made a calculation as to how
much I had saved up to date, and It
amounted to a considerable sum. I
then opened an account in one of the
many New York savings banks.
and " .
"Could you lend me $10 " broke in
the other Impetuously. "I'll pay you
back ' ,
"And the bank failed yesterday, Er
you haven't such a thing as a cigar
about you, have you ?"-.Judge.
Benin t Her Back.
Nell Do you think that Is all her own
Belle No; part of it is her sister.
At least I saw her sister buying some
just like it Philadelphia Record.
Bound to Kick.
Sharpson You made $13,000 clear
last year, and yet you're complaining
of your hard luck)
Phlatz Well, blame it look at that
"13 !" Chicago Tribune. .
The Secret Divulge!.
He But you've known her all your
life; bow old is she?
She I'll tell you, but it's a secret
mind. She is just at the age when one
doesn't look it! Life.
Hia Exalte! Mission.
Woman of the House You've been
here hair a dozen times and got noth
ing. You ought to have learned some
thing by this time. What do you keep
on coming for -
Tuffold Knutt (with impressive dig
nity) I ain't no common tramp,
ma'am. I'm around studyin' - condi
tions. Chicago Tribune.
He Raise I Them.
Gilders. He's made
Yes, and there was a time when he
had to depend on my brother Jack to
bring up his children,
"Nonsense! When, did that happen?"
"Often. The kids used to run In pret?
ty frequent to their father's ' office,
which was in the buildin' where Jack
was elevator man." Philadelphia-
The Hog (with paper) Well! well!
Wonders never cease! Human beings
are now taking mud baths.
The Gobbler (the last of his flock)
It Isn't at all uncotnmon for human be
ings to make hogs of themselves.
Enter grency Ability.
'Women have no originality no in
ventive genius.". .
'Nonsense; I've seen my stenograph
er make a memorandum with a hat pin
on a cake of soap when sue had no
paper handy." Chicago Record-Her
Willing to Try Solitaire.
Miss Oldley It is too bad that it
takes two for a wedding! Meggen-
dorfer Blaetter. -
' Hla Pa Kxptaina. -
Bobby Pa, when does a man get too
old to learn?
Father When he gets too old to mar
ry, my son. Puck.
Of a Certain Kind.
"Sfcewjaw- is quite a recluse, isn't
"O, yes considered subjectively He
plays the clarinet" Chicago Tribune.
Lost in the Crowd.
. Tess (meeting Jess on the street)
What's the matter? ....
: Jess I've just lost something, and I
can't think just what it is.
Tess It wasn't your
Jess O! T know now. It was that
little Mr. Snipp, who was walking with
me.' . . ' ; '
- Tess Then It was; nothing, after all,
Philadelphia Press. -
. Why He Consented.
'Keeter says his wife is doing her
own cooking now." .
"That accounts for it. He finally let
me write him up a life insurance policy
this morning." Philadelphia Press.
Only Time They Are. .
"Miss Passay says she can never get
any shoes to fit her." . v
; "Oh, pshaw ! She just says they don'
because she. likes to go to the shoe
store and see a young man at her feet."
"r .: Hay Millinery. ,
"Harold, how do you like my new
"Harriet, you must hear the truth
you look like a plant stand." Detroit
" . -- A Family Exposure.
"I never see you lounging in the ham
mocks, Mr. Subbs." -
"No; - these gay, front-porch, ham
mocks are for company and for orna
ment; the old rope thing the folks let
me swing in is around ia the back
Blow Talker, Perhapa.
He I know I'm late, dear. Yon see,
was detained a couple of hours by an
old friend who Just got back to town
after a long absence. 1 bad to tell him
all I knew.
She (snappishly) I don't see why
that should have kept you so long.
Philadelphia Press. ' ; -' - ;
Mistress Yon say you are well rec
Maid Indeed, ma'am, I have thirty-
nine excellent references.
Mistress And you have been in do
Maid Two years, ma'am. Glasgow
Averting; a Sarcaaa.
"You seem very self-satisfied to-day,"
said Miss Cayenne.
Yes," answered. Willie Wlshington,
but don't let that Influence. Every
body says I've got dreadfully . poor
taste." Washington Star.
"That Miss Fortysummers ia subject
to fainting fits.'
"I started to ask her to join me in a
glass of soda water the other day, but
when I got to the word 'Join she keel
ed right over in my arms." Ohio State
Polly What Is It you like so much
about croquet Dolly?
Dolly Ob. it is such a lonely, restful
game; the stupider one feels the better
one can play.
"Late again, Jane! You are always.
behind time. It's no use talking to you.
I shall "have to get another girl."
I wish you would, mum. There'd be
plenty of work for the two of us!"
'I want you to come around and take
a look at that horse you sold .me the
'Good heavens, is that animal still
A Chance for Troub'e,
'Throwing an old shoe after a bride
and groom means that all ill-feeling is
thus thrown away."
'Yes, but suppose the old shoe should
happen to hit the bride."
The Count Your daughter, madam.
says she es paf ectly willing to have me.
The Mother Yes. She is very dutiful.
Penelope I'll just ruin my complex
ion going in bathing so much.
Perdita I wouldn't care. No one will
He Do you suppose we will ever
have enough to get married on? .
She Surely. Why, Jack, we don't
need a million. A couple of hundred
thousand will do to start on.
"Amiable people are often so exas
'Yes; I wonder if that is what makes
them feel so amiable." -
Not Without Excitement.
"You are not addicted to any kind of
athletics, are you?"
"Athletics? Gracious, man, I earn a
good living for a family of seven." -
Carried It Too Far.
"Nothing that Is produced in this
country is ever quite good enough for
Mrs.: Willoughby," declared Miss :
Frocks. "Everything must be Import
'That's true,'' added Miss Kittish.
"She even carried her prejudice against
domestic goods so far as to marry an
imported husband." . .
Fearch for Knowledge.
Jinks Hello! Well, I swan! Study
ing a book of etiquette, eh? '
Old Gruff Yep.
Jinks Want to learn how to treat
folks politely, eh?
Old Gruff Naw. Want to find out
whether folks are treating me politely.
New xorK weeaiy.
Uncle Josh Didn't the President
warn Congress ag'in" bein'- extrava
Uncle Silas Yes; but he oughtn't to
have let 'em know there was so much
money in the Treasury. Puck.
' The Rabbit Fired the Gun.
"Brer Rabbit" has been outdone in
real life, and a. West Virginia rabbit
family has a hero. The Incident oc
curred In this wise, according to the
- Peter Frees and his son Louis went
out rabbit-hunting in the woods near
Parkersburg, West ' Virginia. " Their
dog soon chased a cottontail into a pile
of brush, and Louis rushed up to get
him out He put his gun on the ground,
and taking up a long pole, began to
punsh in the brush-pile to dislodge the
? Finally bunny ran out in an unex
pected place, straight over the : gun,
which was , cocked. His hind foot
struck the trigger, sending the charge
of shot Into Louis' leg, and some of it
into the dog. The boy yelled, the dog
howled, and In the midst of the excite
ment bunny got away. ; . .
. A Figure of Speech.
Even when a man says that he is hun
gry enough to eat a borse his wife
knows that he will find fault in nine
cases out of ten, if the dinner isn't all
exactly right SomervIIIe Journal.
GE3 ' -