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About Corvallis gazette. (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909 | View Entire Issue (June 14, 1901)
A SONG FOR THE SELFISH, When you anil I were young, my dear, Ere lines bad marked your brow, Ere God had sent the loved ones her . That cling about ns now ' When you and I were free from care, - We thought the world wag -very f air When you and I Vere young, my dear But we are older now, my dear, And worried by the cares Of those who cling around us here And have their love affairs ' Ere you were grieved by others' woes You were as radiant as a rose, But now your brow has furrows, deal When yon and I were young, my dear, ' We thought the' Lord was good. But that was ere we had to bear The weight of parenthood!1 -The cares of those we loved, sweetheart A spice to human joys Impart, And feed the hungry soul, my dear. When you and I were young, my dear. And neither knew a care, I trod a pathway that was clear. And let you, trembling, there But the happiness of careless days Has broadened in a hundred ways Since others cling about us, dearl Cleveland Leader. Forgiveness. ftp HE kitchen was stllL Only the T slow pulse of the tall clock In the corner, the quiet fall of the early spring rain on the roof and the snap of the wood In the little cook stove could be heard.' The light from the tallow candle showed a small kitchen, but very neat and cosy. ' Was everything iu it but the clock and the fire voiceless? No; the old woman, knitting in the corner, gave a low sigh, and the old man, warming his hands by the fire, spoke. "It. was ten years ago to-night, Mar cia. Were yon thlnkln' of that?" "No, 'twan't that, John; leastwise I was trying not to remember. I was thlnkln' It might be a little too cold for old Nanny and the little lambs to night. Did yon see that the barn door was shot tight?' Heedless of her Question, the old man's voice took on a harder tone as he asked, "What was it Julia said to yon first that night when yon, let her un derstand yon knew she'd turn agin ye? I've sorter forgot." "So have I. father. For ten days I "l AUESS I WOW'T BOLT IT TO-HI6HT." remembered It an' harbored - it. I mixed them words Into my dough, and I steeped the tone of that voice Into my tea, but the good Lord an' His angels changed my heart, and I've been ten years a forgettin' what I only remem bered f er ten days, father." "Don't call me father. - I can't bear it when I get ter thlnkln' it all over this way. " I ain't father to nobody. 'Twas only fer her we bad those names of father and mother, and now she's gone they don't mean, nothln' any more. How could she have done It, Marcia? That's what I could never understand, when we'd took her in an orphan, and give her all we had love and all. I've got ter believe there's no gratitude In the world." - , "It's them you do the most fer as Is least grateful, John, an' kindness often brings out the bad in a person, jest as unklndness don't hurt them that's really good. But I've forgive her long ago. 'Twas born In her somehow. I've had more to take my mind from harborin' it, maybe, than you. There's . been all of Henry's children to take care of and the lame . chickens and weak lambs to nurse. I ain't had no time to brood over It" c " 'Taln't that, Marcia. You're more of a Christian than ever I was, but I ain't so much to blame. I wasn't brought up as you was. ' I can't forgive her never. : I only left that door un locked 'cause of my promise to you. but I'm a-goln' to bolt It to-night I said ten years, and that's over this blessed night" , "Oh, John!" "The old woman buried her face In her apron, but uttered no other sound. "I've said It an' I'm goln' to do it! I'm goln to shet that door an' lock It from this on, and you needn't 'Oh, John, for I've kep' my promise." ; He rose and wound the clock, and then turned toward the door, but stop ped as bis eye fell on a little old daguesseotype on the mantel shelf. With a slow step he reached the door, bolted It slowly, but softly slid back the bolt "Marcia." V "What John ?' "Marcia, I guess I won't bolt it to night It's pretty cold and Tabby might want to bring her kittens in by the fire." "But John. Tabby couldn't open the door even If 'twan't locked." -" "Wall, wall, wall, didn't you s'pose I knew that; but if she came in the night and meowed I could - open the door quicker if 'twan't bolted, couldn't I?" After a minute's pause he asked; "Air ye goln' to bed now?" "Not quite yetl I want to git them stockln's done fer little Johnny. His mother said he hadn't any decent ones to wear." - ' "Wall, It's Jist as well, fer I orter shell a little corn for the hens." So they sat and knit and shelled, lingeringly and quietly, until the clock pointed Its old bands to 11. Then the door opened, as if (by a timid band, and a sad-faced woman of 30 crept Into the room. The old man rose with an v angry, "Wall, have yer come ter ask my ferglveness at last?" But the old GREATEST OF AMERICAN CATHEDRALS. CATHBDBAX. OF ST. JOHH THB DIVINE, WITH ST. PATRICK'S CATHEDRAL ON THE BIOHT, SHOWING THEIB BELAT1VB SIZES. Some time during the last half of the. twentieth century possibly at the dawn of the twenty-first the Cathedral of St. John the Divine, in New Tork City, will be formally dedicated. This, the most remarkable building of the west ern hemisphere, marks the entrance of the United States upon an era of cathe dral construction in the manner and the spirit of the cathedral builders of old Europe. For this cathedral is to be comparable in cost, size and beauty-with the grandest of the ecclesiastical piles of the old world. Its construction will require many years, perhaps a century, Its total cost, estimated upon the cost of labor and material to-day, is placed at $15,000,000. To date over $2,000,000 has been spent upon the cathedral; the sites, including three city blocks, cost $872,000. The base of the cathedral stands 135 feet above the sea level. Completed it will be beyond all comparison the most conspicuous building in New York, and will be visible on clear days for about fifty miles. The new cathedral will be one of the largest churches in the world; It will be built in the round-arch Gothic style. The measurements of the structure give little idea of its enormous proportions. When. complete two entire blocks of ordi nary buildings could be placed along the central aisle. The . tallest skyscraper will be dwarfed by comparison with its great spire 440 feet in height. It will be built entirely of solid masonry. The foundations will be required to support a weight of about 60,000,000 pounds. Much time was spent in preparing them. St. Patrick's Cathedral, heretofore the largest church edifice in America, will be completely dwarfed by comparison. St. Patrick's Cathedral was erected at a cost, of $2,500,000. The choir alone of the new cathedral will accommodate more people than any other church In New York, including St. Patrick's Cathedral. The cost of other American churches seems trifling by comparison with the daw structure. Trinity Church, for example, cost $358,630. The Albany Cathe dral cost only about $100,000. The new "Old South" Church in Boston cost $500,000. Richardson's Trinity Church, in the same city, heretofore considered the finest church fa the United States, involving an outlay of $750,000. woman took the trembling form to her heart - No, father, not your forgiveness. Your curse that night made me angry. but mother's face when she said, 'O, Julia, I couldn't a-believed itf cut me to the heart; but I wouldn't show It then, I can't live so any longer. I had to come to ask mother's forgiveness that's all I want I've got work, and honest work, and one word from moth er Is all I want here." The old man tried to speak, but his wife stopped him. 'Now, father, Jest put a llttlel more wood in,, fer Julia's cold, an' I'll have some hot tea for ye In jest a minute, dear. Yer room is all swep and aired sheets' put on to-day, an' yer pa fixed that door with his own hands so's 'twouldn't felam.- I've got some of that but'nut cake you like so, and here, you jest be lookin' at my new piece blocks In that basket while I git out the dishes." Detroit Free Press. HOW HOGS CATCH SALMON. Wade Into the Western Streams and Dive for the Fish. ; - In the State of Washington, as all school boys and girls doubtless know, are the greatest salmon fisheries in America. Every spring the swift moun tain streams are fairly alive with these beautiful reddish yellow fish (three and four feet In length and weighing often twenty-flve and thirty pounds), as they go up the river to deposit their eggs in HOG CATCHES SALMON. the headwaters of the mountain streams. Then in the early fall they come down again. It Is during two sea sons that what Is known as the salmon ran Is at Its full height and this is the time to which the Washington boys look forward to all the rest of the year. But the queerest fishers are neither Indians nor boys. They are hogs.- So fond are the hogs of this : delicacy, which costs the people of London $1 a pound, that the farmers who have pas tures along the rivers have great trou ble fencing the farms so that the hogs cannot get Into the streams. ' Mr. Hog wades In or swims In, according to the THE BIRD IS WATCHING THE BONE. New York World. depth of the stream, and then watches for the salmon. - The salmon swims along unsuspectingly. Mr. Hog Is ready for him.' Quick as a flash he fastens his greedy jaws about the great fish and carries him ashore, there to devour him with the greatest relish. Then back he slips Into the water to watch for the next traveler along that way. He will keep this up until his hunger Is satis fied. This Indulgence ruins the bogs for. pork, however, as it gives It a "fishy" taste, and no one will buy It. That is the reason the farmers keep their hogs as far from the streams as possible. Fascinating Habits. Mannerisms sometimes rank' as gifts,- just as eccentricity Is a mark of genius. The writer knows a woman who was asked in marriage by several men, although she was. neither beauti ful nor clever nor rich, but because she was affected with a trembling of the lids. - In her Inmost heart she who ad dresses you believes the trembling be gan with nervousness, but It was uni versal, and after a little what was curi ous began to be regarded as fascinat ing. At any rate I know a well-established, portly lady, married to a man who secured her, not without difficulty, whose only sorrow Is the necessity of kepelng up the girlish habit which pro cured her a spouse. : He is not a senti mentalist but he wants what he paid for. He married her because her .eye lids trembled, and not unnaturally he wishes to be possessed of an enduring treasure. Distance of the Dog-Star. Dr. David' Gill, whose measures of the parallaxes of the stars, by means of which their distances can be calcu lated, are among the most - accurate known, has recently deduced anew the results of hia observations of ; Sirius, the dog-star, which Is the brightest star in the heavens. He thinks we may now regard its parallax as satisfactor ily determined at 0.37 of a second of arc This makes the distance of Sirius In miles 61,000,000,000,000. : In other words, the dog-star is nearly five hun dred and fifty thousand times farther from the earth than the sun is. , Easily Read. : . New York's ordinance regarding the placing of numbers on houses is a sen sible one.;: Each number is to be In white figures not less than three and one-half inches high, on a plate placed at the right of the entrance, where It may be read by day and" night. Sixteen year old girls are all alike In two -particulars: they are all good looking, and never have a cent THE SLANG FOUNDBY. THE UNITED STATES ORIGINATES THE BEST EXPRESSIONS. After a Probationary Term in the Vo cabulary of the Uneducated and Care Iras, the Really Expressive Phrases Are Adopted Into the Language, The London Society of Amateur Phil ologists, the members of which are de voted to the study of language, has., gravely decided that if it were not for the additions made from time to time by Americans, English would have to be classed as a dead or at least as a rapidly dying language. From this country, however, says the Chicago Tribune,' come so many apt and novel phrases which are incor porated into the body of the English tongue that It is still alive and growing. And , both in the United States and abroad students are beginning to rec ognize the importance and the valueof words and phrases which start as slang and, because they vividly .de scribe some prevailing condition, grad ually find their way into the standard dictionaries. Both the philologists of London and American . - authorities agree in the opinion that comparatively little slang of the sort which endures and becomes part of the language orlg I inates in large cities. Nor Is it used 'first by educated and refined people. The so-called "educated classes" add little to a language except some stilted woffis which are borrowed from the classics or scientific terms which are also likely to be derived from one -of the dead languages. It is the men on the farm, on Western ranches, In gold and silver mines, and In other similar occupations, who give the language its vitality and growth. , r ... : Thus the men who pack mules and horses for the trail over the mountains and plains of the great West put a tight "cinch" on many a "critter" be fore the general public began to talk familiarly of "getting a cinch" on any proposition In which It was Interested. The lumbermen in the great woods of Wisconsin and the Northwest piled up many millions of logs In booms and watched the logs go tearing down the swift little rivers after the "boom was busted", for many years before the stock brokers and real estate agents adopted their phraseology. Now there are few people Indeed who do not know what a "boom" Is and what is likely to happen when a "boom . Is busted." . ; :,'':r- . . Speaking broadly, there , are two kinds of slang. .'One depends for its popularity on the mere fact that the phrase Is mouth-filling and pleases the popular fancy. Such slang Is likely' to have only a temporary popularity. The slang which lives and which sooner or later becomes a permanent part of the language is that which really means something, which describes some fact or condition In a new and vivid way. The only class of highly educated people who contribute to any extent to the growth of the language is the col lege students. College slang Is so vivid and has been so generally adopted that a dictionary has been Issued-' wblch is entirely devoted to-the subject It was at a college hoarding .club, for - Instance, that a student who ' wanted the small milk pitcher asked a com panion tO'drive the helfer;thls way." Froiii terms originally- used "in college games the language has adopted many useful phrases. It is-not: many years since the first curved ball was pitched in a baseball game,-and yet the cur rent phrase, "I. am onto hii curves," has a meaning entirely without' connec tion with the baseball diamond. From the field sports of collegians have come the phrases to "jump on" a man and to "jump oh -him with both feet." Even the great American game of draw poker, which will not be claimed as a college game exclusively, has - added several common-phrases to the lan guage. Many a man who has never tried to "fill two pair" has "called a bluff" or declared that he would-"go It blind." ' : ; - .' It was a farmer's boy who had touch ed his tongue to the Iron pump handle on a below-zero morning who discov ered that "to freeze to" a 'person ex pressed a strong degree" of attachment The expressions "to get a load on" and "to carry a load" are plainly of coun try extraction and need -no explanation. "A - jag" is . a provincialism . which means a little. load, so that to say a I man has "a big jag on" is a contradlc- jtlon in terms. "Jag" is one of '. the ' American expressions which has hard- ly reached England as yet If one may Judge from the expression of a recent author, who defined a '"jag" as an um brella and quoted as authority a para graph from a St Louis paper which announced that "Mr: Brown was seen on the street last Sunday morning in the rain, carrying a fine large Jag." It was a Chicago humorist who declared 'that a man of his acquaintance was sometimes entirely sober, thopgh he did "jump from jag to jag like an alco- hollc chamois." ' Almost every business and profes sion has given the most picturesque words in its "particular vocabulary to enrich the language. From the stock exchange, for instance, come "bulls" and "bears," a- "corner," - and "mar gins," though these words were orig inally borrowed and given new mean ings by the stock brokers. From the stage has come another whole set of words which are now in general use. The words "mascot" and "hoodoo", were Invented on the stage. and have since been added to the vo cabulary of the general public Another common word which originated .on the stage and passed thence into newspa per offices Is "fake." ., To-day almost every one would know what Is meant when a man Is described as a faker or a plan as a fake. ONE OF LOWELL'S JOKES. Got an Opinion on. His Manuscript . . .. that Did Hot Flatter. James Russell Lowell once deter mined to play a joke upon the popular monthly to which he often contributed. He accordingly wrote a long, clever article which he called "The Essence of American Humor," and read it to a few of his intimate friends, who said that it was one of the best of his many compositions. He engaged some on to copy. It and sign it "W. Perry Paine." and sent It to the Atlantic Monthly, with the request that a it was a maiden effort, the editor would give an opinion In writing to the said Paine. ' He waited a fortnight but heard nothing of his paper, when, being in Boston, he dropped into the office of the Atlantic and, meeting the editor, James T. Fields, adroitly turned the conversation upon humor, and re marked that It was singular so little was written on the subject "Oh! we get a great deal of manuscript on hu mor." replied Mr. Fields, "but it's so poor we cannot use it I threw into the waste-basket the other day a long article entitled The Essence of Humor,' which should have been styled 'Essence of Nonsense, for a more absurd far rago of stuff I have never seen." Mr. Lowell,' much to the surprise of the editor, burst into a roar of laughter, and informed Mr. Fields of the au thorship of the article. The editor turned all colors and declared it was one of Lowell's Jokes. "Indeed It is," responded Mr. Lowell, "and the best I ever played! I never thought highly of my scribbling; but I don't believe it was the most ridiculous stuff you had ever seen!" Cassell's Journal. EMPRESS TAITOU. Some Idiosyncrasies of "Abyssinia's Rather Remarkable Queen. There is no European queen consort filling a more dignified station than the Empress Taitou of Abyssinia. She has a large household of her own, her lord stewards, chamberlains, butlers, cooks and guards. She directs all the grand feasts, has immense appanages all over the empire, and resources In kind, r She leads a sedentary life be cause there are no Interesting prome nades, but when she shows herself in public she is surrounded with ladies, mounted on richly harnessed mules, with runners, umbrella-bearers and other attendants. The umbrellas are of many colors, but Taitou's Is red. The empress Is a stickler for eti quette, to , which Menelek attaches no importance. Nobody who has not been formally presented to her must gaze on her even within the precincts of the palace. She has a large kitchen gar den, which Is one of her many delights, but the moment the red umbrella ap pears the gardeners must retire.- All the servants stand aloof with downcast eyes as she walks by. Not taking much exercise, Taitou is lost in fat. Never theless, her presence Is dignified. She Is wonderfully well informed, converses cleverly, and can be charming. Her letters are well written, and In a bright natural style. They might put to shame those of many a well-educated European lady. The dress of the empress Is only distinguished from that of her ladles by its impeccable cleanliness and neatness. London Standard. SLEEP-WALKER'S FEAT. Guided His Watch "nl Companions Over I erilons Taths in Perfect Satety. 'An interesting case of somnambu lism is reported by M. Badaire, director of the Normal School at Blois, France. It is accredited by Dr. Duf ay and print ed lh The Proceedings of the Society of Psychical Research,' " writes Dr. R. Osgood Mason, In the Ladies' Home Journal. "Theophile Janicaud was a pupil at the Normal School, and in the month of July of his second year he commenced to walk in his sleep. On one occasion he got tap in the night determined to go fishing. His brother- in-law, M. Simonet decided to. accom pany him, but before starting he suc ceeded in Inducing him to alter his plans and go and visit a relative in stead. Accordingly this was: done. Janicaud remaining fast asleep and un disturbed by the barking dogs or the fatigue of a long walk. Finally he was ready to return, and on the way, com ing to a narrow and dangerous path close to the river, his brother-in-htw cautioned him to go carefully in the darkness. Janicaud, with some scorn. declared that he could see the better of the two, and to prove it asked Simo net" if he could see the match under his foot. . Simonet felt under his foot and sure enough there was the match. It was a dark night, and besides Jani caud was some thirty feet ahead of him and had his nightcap drawn close ly over his face." ' ; - Sympathy Misunderstood.! I was walking in the direction of a certain - hospital the other 'morning when I noticed a little girl some 5 or 6 years old. toddling along at my heels. Whenever I stopped she stopped, and waited for me until I started on again. ''Well, Bess," I queried. She looked coyly down at a pair of ragged shoes. "What do you want? A cent?" 1 ventured. - .--.; . .'- . Sie shook her head. "I wauts to f oiler yer to der hospital." " . -"All right Come along," I answered. "But. what are you afraid of?" "I'm a-scared to go alone. So I tol lers some one." " - - - '-'Scared of what?" ' v:-'--.' - "Der Salvation Armory," '.. she an swered. "Dey ketches yer and brings yer Inter der armory house, an' den dey says, 'Yer my chile,' an' , so I'm scared." Boston Advertiser. Tomb Covering Nine Acres. -I-The most magnificent tomb in the world is deemed to be the palace Tem ple of Karnak, occupying an area of nine acres, or twice that of St Peter's at Rome. The temple space is a poet's dream of gigantic columns, beautiful courts and - wondrous avenues of sphinxes. He Ought to Know. "I understand she's gone on the lec ture platform." "She has." "Is she much of a lecturer?" ' "Her husband Is said to think so." Chicago Post - . . Checked by the Sheriff. "What's the reason your baggage isn't here? - Was it checked?" "That's " Just the trouble. It was checked by an attachment" Harlem Life. - ' . - v . California Fruit. . California fruit dealers ship out 50, 000,000 cans annually. ' - Love may be blind, but in financial matters Jt has a sensitive touch, LET US ALL LAUGH. JOKES FROM THE PENS OF VA RIOUS HUMORISTS, Pleasant Incidents Occur ring: the World Over Saying that Are Cheer ful to Old or Young Funny Selec tions that Tom Will Enjoy. "Mandy," said Farmer Corntossel, as he dropped a valise full of sawdust on the kitchen floor and placed a gold brick on the shelf. "I have jes' made a Uscovery. Tain' very important but It's interestin'." "You don't say!" - "Yes. Ye know It's been said "you kin fool some of the public all the time.'" - "Yes." "Well, I'm that part o the public." Washington Star. i Easy Effort. "I hear that you've been bunting." ."Yes." ' - . "Bag anything r "Nothing but my trousers." Man an I Millinery. "do you like my new "How Harry?" hat "Well, it isn't quite as crazy-looking as that last one you bought" Editor Did you write this joke your self? Joe Kryter Yes, sir. Editor Phew! Then you must be about 400 years of age, but I swear you don't look it - Better than a Tip. Guest (in restaurant) You may bring me some coast beef." Waiter How will you have. It sir? Guest Well done, thou good and faithful servant Flansible Theory. Biggs They say the worst tyrant possible is the liberated slave. Diggs I suppose that Is why the ex typewriter loves to dictate to her hus band. May Millinery. Harold, how do you like foliage hat? ' . my new Harriet you must hear the truth; you look like a plant-stand." Expert Arraignment. "Mayme, here's a college professor who says he has never kissed a girl" "Oh, well; lots of profoundly scien tific men haven't really good common sense." And Also Lawyers. Bobbie Pa, what happens when cars are telescoped? Father The passengers see stars, my son. Smart Set Domestic Opinion Husband I think only sensible wom en ought to marry. Wife Well, you'd be a bachelor If that were the rule. A Psychic A ffiir. "I don't see how you can be so des perately in love with a girl whom you have known-such a short time." "Of course you don't" But I've been loving that girl all my life before I met her." . - - Most Important Thin r. Professor Can you tell me anything of national importance about the Ha waiian group of islands?" Bright Boy Yes. sir. The Pacific Ocean. -- A Vernal Live Wire. The man in winter flannels oft -must croon a dismal tune, When sweet May weather slips a cog and gets as hot as June. - Gala. : First Financier I gave my boy $10, 000 to operate with in the street the other day, and he made $2,000. Second Financier Clear? "Yes. That's what he had left" Only Half a Success. . " "Your club meeting was a feast of reason?' '-' -"Yes, altogether; that committee didn't give a bite of anything to eat" Cause and 1 ffect. . Mrs. Nextdoor Yes, my daughter is very persevering In her piano-playing. Do you notice that she's improving? Mrs. Sharpe No, and I notice that my husband's temper Isn't Catholic Standard." A Distinction. Mr. Dukane What makes Mr. Northslde so proud? Mr. Gas well Oh, he is one of the few people that don't claim to have made a barrel, of money by the recent rise in stocks. Pittsburg Chronicle. His Idea. ' "I should think," said Mr. Homewood, "that self-respect would deter the street car companies from running summer cars In cold weather." " "How's that?" asked Mr. Beach wood. "Well, dead citizens pay no fares." 'A Bonanxa. ' "Here's a distinguished scientist who ays that after all there Is nothing In germs." . - "Nothing in germs? Nonsense! Why look how much the doctors have made out of them." - - A Neighborly Disturbance. First Neighbor Well, my daughter doesn't play the piano any worse than your son writes poetry. Second Ditto Perhaps not but it can be heard so much farther. . ' tell) . ' J0 . Incompatible. - - He Can't" you love me and be mi friend at the same time? - , She Hardly. There is honor among friends, but I can do as I pleasewhen I love you. :- ' . R'gbt Up In Line. "Same old presentation of 'Uncle Tom's Cabin,' I suppose?!' 'Not much; "we've worked in an au tomobile collision and plantation rum mage sale." - Good Bargainers. Bass I got some eggs of Mrs. Fowler for 15 cents a dozen. I praised her baby, you know. Fogg That's nothing. I bought some of Fowler for 12 cents. I spoke in ad miration of his dog. What To Eat Not That Kind. - Observer You don't sweat much at your work? ' Laborer I guess not; a dollar a day ain't sweatin' wages. Applied Science. -"This article says a man shows char acter by the' way he carries his um brella, "Yes, and he shows character by the way he carries off other people's um brellas, too." April Admiration. "Say, that girl in a pink hat is as pretty as a peach." . "Oh, prettier than that; she's as pret ty as a peach-tree in full bloom." First Thing Visitor Notice. Clark I knew Miss Kenosha was a stranger to Chicago before you told me. Dearborn So? How? ' ' Clark She noticed that all the men In the car had soiled collars on. Chi cago Tribune. Ths Reason. He (penitently) You protested s. much, dear, that I had to kiss you. . She But I don't see why. "Because I love you too much ever to disappoint you." No Romance Left Penelope Why, how could you break off your engagement with him? Perdita We were seasick together. Tact. Cobble There goes Glover, one of my best friends. Never knew him to say one word against me. Stone Yes. He's a fellow of rare restraint Bis Failure to Femlt. Lendaman See here! How about that $40 you owe me? You promised to get it and send it to me at Atlantic City by last Friday. Spendaman Well, I'll tell you. I did start to raise it but then I remember that even if I did scrape it together I couldn't send It because I didn't have a stamp. Catholic Standard and Times. The Peril of the Hour. Jenkins Great Scott! there comes Jones. Let's turn down this corner. Jorkyns Why. do you owe him so much as that? Jenkins No, but he's just bought a house in Brooklyn, and I'm afraid hell ask me over there to dinner. Leslie's Weekly. I Proud Father (to bachelor friend,,, veterinary surgeon) Well, aren't they grand? The Vet M'yes. I should keep the middle one. If I were you. -.: " fo Easily Answered. "How are you going to get along with your examination, Jerry?- "O, these questions are easy. Here's one: 'What' is the national hymn? Any body knows what that is. It's it's which one is the national hymn, Mr. Brown?" - "Why, It's well, you know there are half a dozen of them. Still, I suppose the one we really call the national hyma Is is what's the next question. Jerry?" Bis Claim to Distinction. "So, that is Professor Dash of the Blank University, is It ? Well, what has he been doing to set the people to talk ing about him?" "Nothing at all nothing but teach his classes. That's why I'm pointing him out to you." Case of Gennine Humanity. Young Husband Those are the bis cuits you baked this morning, aren'l they, Jennie? What are you going tc do with them? Young Wife (tearful and indignant) I'm going to feed them to the pigeons. Young Husband Don't do that dear, for heaven's sake! IU try to eat them. Respectfully Declined. "My boy, no cigarettes! If you must smoke, smoke cigars." "But father, I can't afford it" "You can use mine." "I value my friends too highly foi that" . . : . Specimen of Negro Logic That famous southern clergyman Rev. Dr. Porter, recently told a good story Illustrating the whimsical in genuity of the Ethiopian mind. A southern planter who was puzzled by the disappearance of & great deal of rice found out that it had been pur loined by a favorite slave. He sent for the latter and said: "Sam. I am very sorry to discover that you are a thief and have been taking my rice." The slave smiled and answered: "I took your rice, masser; but I'm no thief." "How do you make that out?" came the query.' "Well, masser, does I belong to you, or does I not?" "Yes, you belong to me.T "An' don't that rice belong to you?" "Certainly." "Well, then, if I take the rice and eat that rice it belongs to you stllL : It hasn't gone away from you and no other man's got it and so I couldn't have stolen It, could I?" Evening Wisconsin. The Weather Man's Complaint. I try to please my patrons, but the con- tract is no fun, . For farmers now want lots of rain and carDenters want none. "