A SONG FOR THE SELFISH,
When you anil I were young, my dear,
Ere lines bad marked your brow,
Ere God had sent the loved ones her .
That cling about ns now '
When you and I were free from care, -
We thought the world wag -very f air
When you and I Vere young, my dear
But we are older now, my dear,
And worried by the cares
Of those who cling around us here
And have their love affairs '
Ere you were grieved by others' woes
You were as radiant as a rose,
But now your brow has furrows, deal
When yon and I were young, my dear,
' We thought the' Lord was good.
But that was ere we had to bear
The weight of parenthood!1 -The
cares of those we loved, sweetheart
A spice to human joys Impart,
And feed the hungry soul, my dear.
When you and I were young, my dear.
And neither knew a care,
I trod a pathway that was clear.
And let you, trembling, there
But the happiness of careless days
Has broadened in a hundred ways
Since others cling about us, dearl
Cleveland Leader.
Forgiveness.
ftp HE kitchen was stllL Only the
T slow pulse of the tall clock In the
corner, the quiet fall of the early
spring rain on the roof and the snap of
the wood In the little cook stove could
be heard.' The light from the tallow
candle showed a small kitchen, but
very neat and cosy. ' Was everything iu
it but the clock and the fire voiceless?
No; the old woman, knitting in the
corner, gave a low sigh, and the old
man, warming his hands by the fire,
spoke.
"It. was ten years ago to-night, Mar
cia. Were yon thlnkln' of that?"
"No, 'twan't that, John; leastwise I
was trying not to remember. I was
thlnkln' It might be a little too cold for
old Nanny and the little lambs to
night. Did yon see that the barn door
was shot tight?'
Heedless of her Question, the old
man's voice took on a harder tone as he
asked, "What was it Julia said to yon
first that night when yon, let her un
derstand yon knew she'd turn agin ye?
I've sorter forgot."
"So have I. father. For ten days I
"l AUESS I WOW'T BOLT IT TO-HI6HT."
remembered It an' harbored - it. I
mixed them words Into my dough, and
I steeped the tone of that voice Into my
tea, but the good Lord an' His angels
changed my heart, and I've been ten
years a forgettin' what I only remem
bered f er ten days, father."
"Don't call me father. - I can't bear
it when I get ter thlnkln' it all over this
way. " I ain't father to nobody. 'Twas
only fer her we bad those names of
father and mother, and now she's gone
they don't mean, nothln' any more.
How could she have done It, Marcia?
That's what I could never understand,
when we'd took her in an orphan, and
give her all we had love and all. I've
got ter believe there's no gratitude In
the world." -
, "It's them you do the most fer as Is
least grateful, John, an' kindness often
brings out the bad in a person, jest as
unklndness don't hurt them that's
really good. But I've forgive her long
ago. 'Twas born In her somehow.
I've had more to take my mind from
harborin' it, maybe, than you. There's
. been all of Henry's children to take
care of and the lame . chickens and
weak lambs to nurse. I ain't had no
time to brood over It" c
" 'Taln't that, Marcia. You're more
of a Christian than ever I was, but I
ain't so much to blame. I wasn't
brought up as you was. ' I can't forgive
her never. : I only left that door un
locked 'cause of my promise to you.
but I'm a-goln' to bolt It to-night I
said ten years, and that's over this
blessed night" ,
"Oh, John!" "The old woman buried
her face In her apron, but uttered no
other sound.
"I've said It an' I'm goln' to do it!
I'm goln to shet that door an' lock It
from this on, and you needn't 'Oh,
John, for I've kep' my promise." ;
He rose and wound the clock, and
then turned toward the door, but stop
ped as bis eye fell on a little old
daguesseotype on the mantel shelf.
With a slow step he reached the door,
bolted It slowly, but softly slid back
the bolt
"Marcia." V
"What John ?'
"Marcia, I guess I won't bolt it to
night It's pretty cold and Tabby
might want to bring her kittens in by
the fire."
"But John. Tabby couldn't open the
door even If 'twan't locked." -"
"Wall, wall, wall, didn't you s'pose
I knew that; but if she came in the
night and meowed I could - open the
door quicker if 'twan't bolted, couldn't
I?" After a minute's pause he asked;
"Air ye goln' to bed now?"
"Not quite yetl I want to git them
stockln's done fer little Johnny. His
mother said he hadn't any decent ones
to wear." - '
"Wall, It's Jist as well, fer I orter
shell a little corn for the hens."
So they sat and knit and shelled,
lingeringly and quietly, until the clock
pointed Its old bands to 11. Then the
door opened, as if (by a timid band, and
a sad-faced woman of 30 crept Into the
room. The old man rose with an
v angry, "Wall, have yer come ter ask
my ferglveness at last?" But the old
GREATEST OF AMERICAN CATHEDRALS.
CATHBDBAX. OF ST. JOHH THB DIVINE, WITH ST. PATRICK'S CATHEDRAL ON THE
BIOHT, SHOWING THEIB BELAT1VB SIZES.
Some time during the last half of the. twentieth century possibly at the
dawn of the twenty-first the Cathedral of St. John the Divine, in New Tork
City, will be formally dedicated. This, the most remarkable building of the west
ern hemisphere, marks the entrance of the United States upon an era of cathe
dral construction in the manner and the spirit of the cathedral builders of old
Europe. For this cathedral is to be comparable in cost, size and beauty-with the
grandest of the ecclesiastical piles of the old world.
Its construction will require many years, perhaps a century, Its total cost,
estimated upon the cost of labor and material to-day, is placed at $15,000,000.
To date over $2,000,000 has been spent upon the cathedral; the sites, including
three city blocks, cost $872,000. The base of the cathedral stands 135 feet above
the sea level. Completed it will be beyond all comparison the most conspicuous
building in New York, and will be visible on clear days for about fifty miles.
The new cathedral will be one of the largest churches in the world; It will
be built in the round-arch Gothic style. The measurements of the structure give
little idea of its enormous proportions. When. complete two entire blocks of ordi
nary buildings could be placed along the central aisle. The . tallest skyscraper
will be dwarfed by comparison with its great spire 440 feet in height. It will
be built entirely of solid masonry. The foundations will be required to support a
weight of about 60,000,000 pounds. Much time was spent in preparing them. St.
Patrick's Cathedral, heretofore the largest church edifice in America, will be
completely dwarfed by comparison. St. Patrick's Cathedral was erected at a
cost, of $2,500,000. The choir alone of the new cathedral will accommodate more
people than any other church In New York, including St. Patrick's Cathedral.
The cost of other American churches seems trifling by comparison with the
daw structure. Trinity Church, for example, cost $358,630. The Albany Cathe
dral cost only about $100,000. The new "Old South" Church in Boston cost
$500,000. Richardson's Trinity Church, in the same city, heretofore considered the
finest church fa the United States, involving an outlay of $750,000.
woman took the trembling form to her
heart -
No, father, not your forgiveness.
Your curse that night made me angry.
but mother's face when she said, 'O,
Julia, I couldn't a-believed itf cut me
to the heart; but I wouldn't show It
then, I can't live so any longer. I had
to come to ask mother's forgiveness
that's all I want I've got work, and
honest work, and one word from moth
er Is all I want here."
The old man tried to speak, but his
wife stopped him.
'Now, father, Jest put a llttlel more
wood in,, fer Julia's cold, an' I'll have
some hot tea for ye In jest a minute,
dear. Yer room is all swep and aired
sheets' put on to-day, an' yer pa fixed
that door with his own hands so's
'twouldn't felam.- I've got some of that
but'nut cake you like so, and here, you
jest be lookin' at my new piece blocks
In that basket while I git out the
dishes." Detroit Free Press.
HOW HOGS CATCH SALMON.
Wade Into the Western Streams and
Dive for the Fish. ; -
In the State of Washington, as all
school boys and girls doubtless know,
are the greatest salmon fisheries in
America. Every spring the swift moun
tain streams are fairly alive with these
beautiful reddish yellow fish (three and
four feet In length and weighing often
twenty-flve and thirty pounds), as they
go up the river to deposit their eggs in
HOG CATCHES SALMON.
the headwaters of the mountain
streams. Then in the early fall they
come down again. It Is during two sea
sons that what Is known as the salmon
ran Is at Its full height and this is the
time to which the Washington boys
look forward to all the rest of the year.
But the queerest fishers are neither
Indians nor boys. They are hogs.- So
fond are the hogs of this : delicacy,
which costs the people of London $1 a
pound, that the farmers who have pas
tures along the rivers have great trou
ble fencing the farms so that the hogs
cannot get Into the streams. ' Mr. Hog
wades In or swims In, according to the
THE BIRD IS WATCHING THE BONE.
New York World.
depth of the stream, and then watches
for the salmon. - The salmon swims
along unsuspectingly. Mr. Hog Is ready
for him.' Quick as a flash he fastens
his greedy jaws about the great fish and
carries him ashore, there to devour him
with the greatest relish. Then back he
slips Into the water to watch for the
next traveler along that way. He will
keep this up until his hunger Is satis
fied. This Indulgence ruins the bogs
for. pork, however, as it gives It a
"fishy" taste, and no one will buy It.
That is the reason the farmers keep
their hogs as far from the streams as
possible.
Fascinating Habits.
Mannerisms sometimes rank' as
gifts,- just as eccentricity Is a mark of
genius. The writer knows a woman
who was asked in marriage by several
men, although she was. neither beauti
ful nor clever nor rich, but because she
was affected with a trembling of the
lids. - In her Inmost heart she who ad
dresses you believes the trembling be
gan with nervousness, but It was uni
versal, and after a little what was curi
ous began to be regarded as fascinat
ing. At any rate I know a well-established,
portly lady, married to a man
who secured her, not without difficulty,
whose only sorrow Is the necessity of
kepelng up the girlish habit which pro
cured her a spouse. : He is not a senti
mentalist but he wants what he paid
for. He married her because her .eye
lids trembled, and not unnaturally he
wishes to be possessed of an enduring
treasure.
Distance of the Dog-Star.
Dr. David' Gill, whose measures of
the parallaxes of the stars, by means
of which their distances can be calcu
lated, are among the most - accurate
known, has recently deduced anew the
results of hia observations of ; Sirius,
the dog-star, which Is the brightest
star in the heavens. He thinks we may
now regard its parallax as satisfactor
ily determined at 0.37 of a second of
arc This makes the distance of Sirius
In miles 61,000,000,000,000. : In other
words, the dog-star is nearly five hun
dred and fifty thousand times farther
from the earth than the sun is.
, Easily Read. :
. New York's ordinance regarding the
placing of numbers on houses is a sen
sible one.;: Each number is to be In
white figures not less than three and
one-half inches high, on a plate placed
at the right of the entrance, where It
may be read by day and" night.
Sixteen year old girls are all alike
In two -particulars: they are all good
looking, and never have a cent
THE SLANG FOUNDBY.
THE UNITED STATES ORIGINATES
THE BEST EXPRESSIONS.
After a Probationary Term in the Vo
cabulary of the Uneducated and Care
Iras, the Really Expressive Phrases
Are Adopted Into the Language,
The London Society of Amateur Phil
ologists, the members of which are de
voted to the study of language, has.,
gravely decided that if it were not for
the additions made from time to time
by Americans, English would have to
be classed as a dead or at least as a
rapidly dying language.
From this country, however, says
the Chicago Tribune,' come so many
apt and novel phrases which are incor
porated into the body of the English
tongue that It is still alive and growing.
And , both in the United States and
abroad students are beginning to rec
ognize the importance and the valueof
words and phrases which start as
slang and, because they vividly .de
scribe some prevailing condition, grad
ually find their way into the standard
dictionaries. Both the philologists of
London and American . - authorities
agree in the opinion that comparatively
little slang of the sort which endures
and becomes part of the language orlg
I inates in large cities. Nor Is it used
'first by educated and refined people.
The so-called "educated classes" add
little to a language except some stilted
woffis which are borrowed from the
classics or scientific terms which are
also likely to be derived from one -of
the dead languages. It is the men on
the farm, on Western ranches, In gold
and silver mines, and In other similar
occupations, who give the language its
vitality and growth. , r ... :
Thus the men who pack mules and
horses for the trail over the mountains
and plains of the great West put a
tight "cinch" on many a "critter" be
fore the general public began to talk
familiarly of "getting a cinch" on any
proposition In which It was Interested.
The lumbermen in the great woods of
Wisconsin and the Northwest piled up
many millions of logs In booms and
watched the logs go tearing down the
swift little rivers after the "boom was
busted", for many years before the
stock brokers and real estate agents
adopted their phraseology. Now there
are few people Indeed who do not
know what a "boom" Is and what is
likely to happen when a "boom . Is
busted." . ; :,'':r- . .
Speaking broadly, there , are two
kinds of slang. .'One depends for its
popularity on the mere fact that the
phrase Is mouth-filling and pleases the
popular fancy. Such slang Is likely' to
have only a temporary popularity. The
slang which lives and which sooner or
later becomes a permanent part of the
language is that which really means
something, which describes some fact
or condition In a new and vivid way.
The only class of highly educated
people who contribute to any extent to
the growth of the language is the col
lege students. College slang Is so vivid
and has been so generally adopted that
a dictionary has been Issued-' wblch is
entirely devoted to-the subject
It was at a college hoarding .club, for
- Instance, that a student who ' wanted
the small milk pitcher asked a com
panion tO'drive the helfer;thls way."
Froiii terms originally- used "in college
games the language has adopted many
useful phrases. It is-not: many years
since the first curved ball was pitched
in a baseball game,-and yet the cur
rent phrase, "I. am onto hii curves,"
has a meaning entirely without' connec
tion with the baseball diamond. From
the field sports of collegians have come
the phrases to "jump on" a man and to
"jump oh -him with both feet." Even
the great American game of draw
poker, which will not be claimed as a
college game exclusively, has - added
several common-phrases to the lan
guage. Many a man who has never
tried to "fill two pair" has "called a
bluff" or declared that he would-"go It
blind." ' : ; - .'
It was a farmer's boy who had touch
ed his tongue to the Iron pump handle
on a below-zero morning who discov
ered that "to freeze to" a 'person ex
pressed a strong degree" of attachment
The expressions "to get a load on" and
"to carry a load" are plainly of coun
try extraction and need -no explanation.
"A - jag" is . a provincialism . which
means a little. load, so that to say a
I man has "a big jag on" is a contradlc-
jtlon in terms. "Jag" is one of '. the
' American expressions which has hard-
ly reached England as yet If one may
Judge from the expression of a recent
author, who defined a '"jag" as an um
brella and quoted as authority a para
graph from a St Louis paper which
announced that "Mr: Brown was seen
on the street last Sunday morning in
the rain, carrying a fine large Jag." It
was a Chicago humorist who declared
'that a man of his acquaintance was
sometimes entirely sober, thopgh he
did "jump from jag to jag like an alco-
hollc chamois."
' Almost every business and profes
sion has given the most picturesque
words in its "particular vocabulary to
enrich the language. From the stock
exchange, for instance, come "bulls"
and "bears," a- "corner," - and "mar
gins," though these words were orig
inally borrowed and given new mean
ings by the stock brokers.
From the stage has come another
whole set of words which are now in
general use. The words "mascot" and
"hoodoo", were Invented on the stage.
and have since been added to the vo
cabulary of the general public Another
common word which originated .on the
stage and passed thence into newspa
per offices Is "fake." ., To-day almost
every one would know what Is meant
when a man Is described as a faker or
a plan as a fake.
ONE OF LOWELL'S JOKES.
Got an Opinion on. His Manuscript
. . .. that Did Hot Flatter.
James Russell Lowell once deter
mined to play a joke upon the popular
monthly to which he often contributed.
He accordingly wrote a long, clever
article which he called "The Essence
of American Humor," and read it to a
few of his intimate friends, who said
that it was one of the best of his many
compositions. He engaged some on
to copy. It and sign it "W. Perry
Paine." and sent It to the Atlantic
Monthly, with the request that a it
was a maiden effort, the editor would
give an opinion In writing to the said
Paine.
' He waited a fortnight but heard
nothing of his paper, when, being in
Boston, he dropped into the office of
the Atlantic and, meeting the editor,
James T. Fields, adroitly turned the
conversation upon humor, and re
marked that It was singular so little
was written on the subject "Oh! we
get a great deal of manuscript on hu
mor." replied Mr. Fields, "but it's so
poor we cannot use it I threw into
the waste-basket the other day a long
article entitled The Essence of Humor,'
which should have been styled 'Essence
of Nonsense, for a more absurd far
rago of stuff I have never seen."
Mr. Lowell,' much to the surprise of
the editor, burst into a roar of laughter,
and informed Mr. Fields of the au
thorship of the article. The editor
turned all colors and declared it was
one of Lowell's Jokes. "Indeed It is,"
responded Mr. Lowell, "and the best I
ever played! I never thought highly
of my scribbling; but I don't believe it
was the most ridiculous stuff you had
ever seen!" Cassell's Journal.
EMPRESS TAITOU.
Some Idiosyncrasies of "Abyssinia's
Rather Remarkable Queen.
There is no European queen consort
filling a more dignified station than
the Empress Taitou of Abyssinia. She
has a large household of her own, her
lord stewards, chamberlains, butlers,
cooks and guards. She directs all the
grand feasts, has immense appanages
all over the empire, and resources In
kind, r She leads a sedentary life be
cause there are no Interesting prome
nades, but when she shows herself in
public she is surrounded with ladies,
mounted on richly harnessed mules,
with runners, umbrella-bearers and
other attendants. The umbrellas are
of many colors, but Taitou's Is red.
The empress Is a stickler for eti
quette, to , which Menelek attaches no
importance. Nobody who has not been
formally presented to her must gaze
on her even within the precincts of the
palace. She has a large kitchen gar
den, which Is one of her many delights,
but the moment the red umbrella ap
pears the gardeners must retire.- All
the servants stand aloof with downcast
eyes as she walks by. Not taking much
exercise, Taitou is lost in fat. Never
theless, her presence Is dignified. She
Is wonderfully well informed, converses
cleverly, and can be charming. Her
letters are well written, and In a
bright natural style. They might put
to shame those of many a well-educated
European lady. The dress of
the empress Is only distinguished from
that of her ladles by its impeccable
cleanliness and neatness. London
Standard.
SLEEP-WALKER'S FEAT.
Guided His Watch "nl Companions Over
I erilons Taths in Perfect Satety.
'An interesting case of somnambu
lism is reported by M. Badaire, director
of the Normal School at Blois, France.
It is accredited by Dr. Duf ay and print
ed lh The Proceedings of the Society
of Psychical Research,' " writes Dr. R.
Osgood Mason, In the Ladies' Home
Journal. "Theophile Janicaud was a
pupil at the Normal School, and in the
month of July of his second year he
commenced to walk in his sleep. On
one occasion he got tap in the night
determined to go fishing. His brother-
in-law, M. Simonet decided to. accom
pany him, but before starting he suc
ceeded in Inducing him to alter his
plans and go and visit a relative in
stead. Accordingly this was: done.
Janicaud remaining fast asleep and un
disturbed by the barking dogs or the
fatigue of a long walk. Finally he was
ready to return, and on the way, com
ing to a narrow and dangerous path
close to the river, his brother-in-htw
cautioned him to go carefully in the
darkness. Janicaud, with some scorn.
declared that he could see the better of
the two, and to prove it asked Simo
net" if he could see the match under
his foot. . Simonet felt under his foot
and sure enough there was the match.
It was a dark night, and besides Jani
caud was some thirty feet ahead of
him and had his nightcap drawn close
ly over his face." ' ; -
Sympathy Misunderstood.!
I was walking in the direction of a
certain - hospital the other 'morning
when I noticed a little girl some 5 or 6
years old. toddling along at my heels.
Whenever I stopped she stopped, and
waited for me until I started on again.
''Well, Bess," I queried. She looked
coyly down at a pair of ragged shoes.
"What do you want? A cent?" 1
ventured. - .--.; . .'- .
Sie shook her head. "I wauts to
f oiler yer to der hospital." " .
-"All right Come along," I answered.
"But. what are you afraid of?"
"I'm a-scared to go alone. So I tol
lers some one." " - - -
'-'Scared of what?" ' v:-'--.' -
"Der Salvation Armory," '.. she an
swered. "Dey ketches yer and brings
yer Inter der armory house, an' den
dey says, 'Yer my chile,' an' , so I'm
scared." Boston Advertiser.
Tomb Covering Nine Acres. -I-The
most magnificent tomb in the
world is deemed to be the palace Tem
ple of Karnak, occupying an area of
nine acres, or twice that of St Peter's
at Rome. The temple space is a poet's
dream of gigantic columns, beautiful
courts and - wondrous avenues of
sphinxes.
He Ought to Know.
"I understand she's gone on the lec
ture platform."
"She has."
"Is she much of a lecturer?"
' "Her husband Is said to think so."
Chicago Post
- . . Checked by the Sheriff.
"What's the reason your baggage
isn't here? - Was it checked?"
"That's " Just the trouble. It was
checked by an attachment" Harlem
Life. - ' . -
v . California Fruit. .
California fruit dealers ship out 50,
000,000 cans annually. '
- Love may be blind, but in financial
matters Jt has a sensitive touch,
LET US ALL LAUGH.
JOKES FROM THE PENS OF VA
RIOUS HUMORISTS,
Pleasant Incidents Occur ring: the
World Over Saying that Are Cheer
ful to Old or Young Funny Selec
tions that Tom Will Enjoy.
"Mandy," said Farmer Corntossel, as
he dropped a valise full of sawdust on
the kitchen floor and placed a gold
brick on the shelf. "I have jes' made a
Uscovery. Tain' very important but
It's interestin'."
"You don't say!" -
"Yes. Ye know It's been said "you
kin fool some of the public all the
time.'" -
"Yes."
"Well, I'm that part o the public."
Washington Star.
i Easy Effort.
"I hear that you've been bunting."
."Yes." ' - .
"Bag anything r
"Nothing but my trousers."
Man an I Millinery.
"do you like my new
"How
Harry?"
hat
"Well, it isn't quite as crazy-looking
as that last one you bought"
Editor Did you write this joke your
self?
Joe Kryter Yes, sir.
Editor Phew! Then you must be
about 400 years of age, but I swear you
don't look it
- Better than a Tip.
Guest (in restaurant) You may bring
me some coast beef."
Waiter How will you have. It sir?
Guest Well done, thou good and
faithful servant
Flansible Theory.
Biggs They say the worst tyrant
possible is the liberated slave.
Diggs I suppose that Is why the ex
typewriter loves to dictate to her hus
band. May Millinery.
Harold, how do you like
foliage hat? ' .
my new
Harriet you must hear the truth;
you look like a plant-stand."
Expert Arraignment.
"Mayme, here's a college professor
who says he has never kissed a girl"
"Oh, well; lots of profoundly scien
tific men haven't really good common
sense."
And Also Lawyers.
Bobbie Pa, what happens when cars
are telescoped?
Father The passengers see stars, my
son. Smart Set
Domestic Opinion
Husband I think only sensible wom
en ought to marry.
Wife Well, you'd be a bachelor If
that were the rule.
A Psychic A ffiir.
"I don't see how you can be so des
perately in love with a girl whom you
have known-such a short time."
"Of course you don't" But I've been
loving that girl all my life before I
met her." . - -
Most Important Thin r.
Professor Can you tell me anything
of national importance about the Ha
waiian group of islands?"
Bright Boy Yes. sir. The Pacific
Ocean. --
A Vernal Live Wire.
The man in winter flannels oft -must
croon a dismal tune,
When sweet May weather slips a cog
and gets as hot as June.
- Gala. :
First Financier I gave my boy $10,
000 to operate with in the street the
other day, and he made $2,000.
Second Financier Clear?
"Yes. That's what he had left"
Only Half a Success. .
" "Your club meeting was a feast of
reason?' '-' -"Yes,
altogether; that committee
didn't give a bite of anything to eat"
Cause and 1 ffect. .
Mrs. Nextdoor Yes, my daughter is
very persevering In her piano-playing.
Do you notice that she's improving?
Mrs. Sharpe No, and I notice that
my husband's temper Isn't Catholic
Standard."
A Distinction.
Mr. Dukane What makes
Mr.
Northslde so proud?
Mr. Gas well Oh, he is one of the few
people that don't claim to have made
a barrel, of money by the recent rise in
stocks. Pittsburg Chronicle.
His Idea. '
"I should think," said Mr. Homewood,
"that self-respect would deter the street
car companies from running summer
cars In cold weather." "
"How's that?" asked Mr. Beach wood.
"Well, dead citizens pay no fares."
'A Bonanxa. '
"Here's a distinguished scientist who
ays that after all there Is nothing In
germs." .
- "Nothing in germs? Nonsense! Why
look how much the doctors have made
out of them." - -
A Neighborly Disturbance.
First Neighbor Well, my daughter
doesn't play the piano any worse than
your son writes poetry.
Second Ditto Perhaps not but it can
be heard so much farther.
. ' tell) . ' J0
. Incompatible. - -
He Can't" you love me and be mi
friend at the same time? - ,
She Hardly. There is honor among
friends, but I can do as I pleasewhen I
love you. :- '
. R'gbt Up In Line.
"Same old presentation of 'Uncle
Tom's Cabin,' I suppose?!'
'Not much; "we've worked in an au
tomobile collision and plantation rum
mage sale."
- Good Bargainers.
Bass I got some eggs of Mrs. Fowler
for 15 cents a dozen. I praised her
baby, you know.
Fogg That's nothing. I bought some
of Fowler for 12 cents. I spoke in ad
miration of his dog. What To Eat
Not That Kind. -
Observer You don't sweat much at
your work? '
Laborer I guess not; a dollar a day
ain't sweatin' wages.
Applied Science. -"This
article says a man shows char
acter by the' way he carries his um
brella, "Yes, and he shows character by the
way he carries off other people's um
brellas, too."
April Admiration.
"Say, that girl in a pink hat is as
pretty as a peach."
. "Oh, prettier than that; she's as pret
ty as a peach-tree in full bloom."
First Thing Visitor Notice.
Clark I knew Miss Kenosha was a
stranger to Chicago before you told me.
Dearborn So? How? ' '
Clark She noticed that all the men
In the car had soiled collars on. Chi
cago Tribune.
Ths Reason.
He (penitently) You protested s.
much, dear, that I had to kiss you.
. She But I don't see why.
"Because I love you too much ever to
disappoint you."
No Romance Left
Penelope Why, how could you break
off your engagement with him?
Perdita We were seasick together.
Tact.
Cobble There goes Glover, one of my
best friends. Never knew him to say
one word against me.
Stone Yes. He's a fellow of rare
restraint
Bis Failure to Femlt.
Lendaman See here! How about
that $40 you owe me? You promised to
get it and send it to me at Atlantic
City by last Friday.
Spendaman Well, I'll tell you. I did
start to raise it but then I remember
that even if I did scrape it together I
couldn't send It because I didn't have
a stamp. Catholic Standard and Times.
The Peril of the Hour.
Jenkins Great Scott! there comes
Jones. Let's turn down this corner.
Jorkyns Why. do you owe him so
much as that?
Jenkins No, but he's just bought a
house in Brooklyn, and I'm afraid hell
ask me over there to dinner. Leslie's
Weekly. I
Proud Father (to bachelor friend,,,
veterinary surgeon) Well, aren't they
grand?
The Vet M'yes. I should keep the
middle one. If I were you. -.: "
fo Easily Answered.
"How are you going to get along with
your examination, Jerry?-
"O, these questions are easy. Here's
one: 'What' is the national hymn? Any
body knows what that is. It's it's
which one is the national hymn, Mr.
Brown?" -
"Why, It's well, you know there are
half a dozen of them. Still, I suppose
the one we really call the national hyma
Is is what's the next question.
Jerry?"
Bis Claim to Distinction.
"So, that is Professor Dash of the
Blank University, is It ? Well, what has
he been doing to set the people to talk
ing about him?"
"Nothing at all nothing but teach
his classes. That's why I'm pointing
him out to you."
Case of Gennine Humanity.
Young Husband Those are the bis
cuits you baked this morning, aren'l
they, Jennie? What are you going tc
do with them?
Young Wife (tearful and indignant)
I'm going to feed them to the pigeons.
Young Husband Don't do that dear,
for heaven's sake! IU try to eat them.
Respectfully Declined.
"My boy, no cigarettes! If you must
smoke, smoke cigars."
"But father, I can't afford it"
"You can use mine."
"I value my friends too highly foi
that" . . : .
Specimen of Negro Logic
That famous southern clergyman
Rev. Dr. Porter, recently told a good
story Illustrating the whimsical in
genuity of the Ethiopian mind. A
southern planter who was puzzled by
the disappearance of & great deal of
rice found out that it had been pur
loined by a favorite slave. He sent
for the latter and said: "Sam. I am
very sorry to discover that you are a
thief and have been taking my rice."
The slave smiled and answered: "I
took your rice, masser; but I'm no
thief." "How do you make that out?"
came the query.' "Well, masser, does
I belong to you, or does I not?" "Yes,
you belong to me.T "An' don't that
rice belong to you?" "Certainly." "Well,
then, if I take the rice and eat that
rice it belongs to you stllL : It hasn't
gone away from you and no other man's
got it and so I couldn't have stolen It,
could I?" Evening Wisconsin.
The Weather Man's Complaint.
I try to please my patrons, but the con-
tract is no fun, .
For farmers now want lots of rain and
carDenters want none. "