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About Corvallis gazette. (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909 | View Entire Issue (April 19, 1901)
PHINEAS HARDEN'S TT") HEY stood about the farmhouse jfin awkward, constrained groups, . waiting, as they might have ex pressed it, "for the funeral to start." The dead woman was lying in the best room. It had been the passing away of a hard life. Phineas Harden leaned his head against the shutter which had been closed to keep out the glaring light, and as he sat there, half-hearing the sounds which came to him through the open window, he heard quite distinctly these words: "Died peaceful at the last, they say. Well, there'd ought ter be some peace in the course of a natural life, an' if there was going ter be any in old Mis' Harden's life, guess it had ter get Its innings in at pretty nigh the last lick, an' a close shave at that. My, didn't she lead Dick Harden a life. Rec'lect when there wasn't a sprucer man in town, but she took the spirit out of him, an' It warn't much of a job fer con sumption ttr finish him up." Phineas never forgot that. It had been the putting into words what he had never quite admitted even to him self. The days that followed his mother's death passed peacefully enough. After a while he became used to the quiet of the house. It didn't seem lonely to him; he had never felt lonely, not even at the first. It was only as though some discordant note had dropped out of his life. People sometimes looked curiously at him and wondered if he ever thought of Lorinda North. But no one could read the thoughts that were hidden back of his eyes. They were eyes that rather baffled you; they had always annoyed his mother. When he was a child she had said one day, "Where he gets that look beats me. He minds well, an' he'd oughter, seein' the trou ble I've been to, bringing him up. His hands an' feet are quick enough to do as I say, but I can't feel but what HE LONQKD FOB QUIET AND PEACK. there's somethin' back of his eyes that I ain't never touched." Lorinda North kept a little shop, which was the local exponent of metro politan styles. She was a woman who took life hard. It did not come easy to any of these hard-worked, narrow-, lived women, and she had fought against each hard knock until all the softness, which may once have been hers, had been rubbed off. There had been an old love affair between these two, but how far it had progressed no one ever quite knew. Some one had once ventured to ask Lorinda about it "She wasn't going to be an old wom an's nurse," she had said. "She'd al ways made out to make a living for herself, and she guessed she could still. She wasn't going to live in any man's house and have another woman boss it" Perhaps In these years in which there had been plenty of time for quiet thought she had sometimes regretted her lost chance of happiness. Surely they had been lonely years, hard years, too, and they had borne their fruit in Lorinda North. There wasn't a woman In the town who did not feel a little uneasy when under the battery of her sharp eyes. Phineas Harden had been the only one who had ever pushed open, even ever so slightly, the door of her heart; and after she had closed this little chink,' love had gone to easier pathways, and left the door of Lorin da's heart closed hard and fast People had speculated somewhat as to how she would take the news of Mrs. Harden's death. Perhaps it had stirred, more deeply than she knew, the undercurrent of her life. Surely, Phineas was often in her mind In these days. Not with any tenderness of feel Ing did she think of the lonely man; but perhaps because his solitary life bore so closely on her own did her thoughts so often turn to him. As she looked forward, as she did sometimes of late, to the years and years stretch ing out their weary length before her, a thought, which was at first vague and undefined, gradually took definite shape in her mind. They had both always been regular church attendants. Through the sum mer Lorinda had sat Just back of Phin eas Harden's pew, and the time seemed very long ago when the pew in front had been empty at the evening meeting and he had sat back with her. His mother had been dead just six months. The cold and dreariness of the winter was gone, and it was a soft night in early June. The windows in the old church were open, and perhaps Phineas listened more to the monoton ous voice of the minister. When he was a little boy he had often wished that they would have, church outdoors. God seemed nearer there. The woman sat and watched bis face during the long sermon. She looked at it more carefully, perhaps, than she had ever done before. But Lorinda North was not capable of seeing the real Phineas Harden. All she saw was a slight, bent figure; a face, with eyes that were apt ' to fall a little before the hard look in her own She could not know that he did not-meet her eyes only because It pained him to see the expression which time bad printed on her face. The long service was over, and there was a sigh of relief as the congrega tion stood and received the benedic- INHERITANCE tion. Phineas had never passed out of his pew without stopping and speaking to Lorinda. To-night he looked up with his usual smile; she was just beside him, her hand resting on the railing of the old pew that stood between them. Something in her face arrested him; he stopped and took her hand. What is it, Lorinda? Is anything the matter?" She looked for a full minute into his kind, inquiring eyes before she spoke. "No, nothing's the matter. 1 only thought that, perhaps perhaps, we might walk home together." He dropped her hand, and the color flashed to his face. But the blood moves more slowly at forty than at' twenty, and he only said: "Why, yes, Lorinda, of course." The night was clear and beautiful. It was strange how the man noted each sound, and how his thoughts went back to another June night long ago, when he had walked over this same road with the woman beside him. He looked at her face; even in this soft half-light, it was hard and cold. There was some thing pathetic in the silent walk of these two old lovers. They were almost at her door now, and she turned her face toward him. If he could have known it, there were two bright spots on her cheeks; as it was, he felt a great pity for the lonely woman. He did not know that they were two players In "the tragedy of what might have been," but he dimly felt that she was trying to bridge over the lapse of time that had come between them. He remem bered something of the feeling be had once had when she was beside him. and a wave of longing, not for her, but for the love that had gone, came over him. He almost forgot the woman iu his remembrance of th love which she had once awakened. As the memory of the old emotions came over him his heart softened and he turned toward her with ready words on his Hps. But they had reached her door, and she was holding out her hand. "Good-night, Phineas. I haven't any idea but that you think strange of what I've done to-night, but whatever you think I know 1 can trust you to keep still. Perhaps there's things we all re gret. I don't know how you feel, but " She had opened the door now and had stepped just within the shop "but I won't be busy Saturday night, and if you want to come I'll be at home." - And before he had time to an swer, the door had been shut and he was alone. It had been a hot week for so early in the season. Phineas felt .tired and spent as he drove home from town on Saturday afternoon. As he neared his house its loneliness struck him as some thing new. The heat of the day, and his struggles with the question which he had been evading, and which kept him calling for an answer, depressed him. He longed for quiet and peace; whether the old quiet life or the possi ble peace of a new one, he did not, know. But his house was not so lonely,' after all; for, as he came nearer, he gaw the old doctor's sulky beside the gate. He had always liked the cheer- ful, sensible old man, and he hailed him now with even a note of relief in his voice: ' "Hello, Phineas; thought you'd be along if I waited a minute." Phineas got out and stood by the side of the doctor's sulky. "It's about the bill, I s'pose," he said. "I meant to see about it before, but " "See here, Phineas Harden, did you ever know me to drive people on my bills? It isn't a bill this time, but some thing that I ought to have attended to as soon as your mother died, but It clean slipped my mind, and that's the only excuse I have to offer. I don't know whether you've ever thought much about your father; he died when you were pretty young. He was one of the best friends I ever had. They said he died of consumption; I said so myself, and I suppose he did; but if ever a man died of loneliness and want of sympathy it was Dick Harden. Just before he died he gave me a letter to give you. He told me to keep it as long as your mother lived, and at her death to give it to you if you were still un married; so, since you're a blooming old bachelor like myself, here it is. And whatever is in it just remember that your father was a good man, and lived better than most men die." In the afterglow of the sunset Phin eas sat turning the letter over in his hand. The fading light was too dim for the faint, indistinct writing, and he lighted the lamp. He looked at the date and It gave him a curious feeling to know that his father had been younger than he him self was when he had written the let ter. It was true that he had thought of his father but little, and perhaps nothing In his life had ever touched him as did this letter, which seemed as real to him as though it wero his fath er's voice coming down to him through the years. The writing was stiff and cramped. He read the lines again and again, see ing his father through each word: To My Dear Son Whether you will ever see this I cannot tell. When life is almost ended, some things seem very clear. 1 cannot leave yon much, but per haps you will some time understand. There is only just enough to take care of your mother. I wish, God only knows how I wish, that I could leave you happi ness. Lying here I've had time to think it all over, and I am leaving this letter with the prayer that God will somehow make it do the work. There is just one thing I want to say. Be sure of yourself. Never make friends because you are lonely. There is no lone liness like that of a heart that cannot get back to itself. Perhaps . you will know what I mean; if yon don't, it won't make any difference anyway. I leave you my dying blessing. Your father, RICHARD HARDEN. The evening hours wore slowly away. When her little, restless clock struck nine, Lorinda North blew out the light In her sitting-room. Phineas Harden had not come. The Springfield Republican. CONTROLLED BY AN IDEA. Body and Hind May Be Dominated by Preconceived .Notions. "Nothing Is stranger than the way In which the body and mind may be come dominated by what is called a 'fixed idea,' " said a physician of this city who makes a specialty of diseases of the nerves. "What reminded me of the subject," he went on, "was a very curious case thai came to my atten tion not a great while ago. A 12-year-old boy, the son of a very respectable family in moderate circumstances, who live on the lower side of Canal street, had a slight attack of inflammatory rheumatism last winter and upon re covery some months later found him self unable to straighten bis right arm. tt was beut in such a position that the back of the hand almost touched the shoulder, and. while there was no par ticular soreness about it, the boy sim ply insisted that he could not move the elbow and hold the limb straight. I saw no reason why there should be any such a result from bis slight rheu matic attack and was persuaded from the outset that the boy, while no doubt perfectly honest, was simply a victim of self-deception. "During his illness he bad probably found the arm more comfortable when bent and gradually his mind had be come dominated by the fixed idea that it was impossible for him to extend it In such cases it is useless to argue with the patient, but frequently some lucky accident will dissipate the illusion. One day last fall I dropped In to see the boy and while I was in the bouse an old negro auntie remarked in his bearing that 'somebody done put a charm on aat arm ana that she knew how to 'take it oft".' 'How would you do it? I asked. 'I'd use a red charm, stone I have at home,' she said. 'I rub it on his shoulder an' dat arm straighten out shore!' I could see the boy was deeply impressed and I gave the old woman a quarter and told her to be around with the charm stone next afternoon. I was on hand myself before the appointed hour and told the child, with a great show of telling him in confidence, that I rather expected the charm was going to cure him. The magic stone turned out to be a piece of common red flint, but after the old auntie had mumbled several incantations, rubbed his shoul der vigorously and worked him into a state of high excitement I took bis wrist and suddenly pulled the limb straight. " 'Why, she's done It. sure enoughr I shouted, working the elbow vigorous ly before he bad time to object; 'try it yourself! Your arm is as good as ever!' He moved it, cautiously at first and then more freely, and finally declared he was all right. The last time I saw him he was perfectly sound. It was merely a case of mind cure that was all. As the trouble was imaginary in the first place, a little imagination was needed to remove It. The old darky, by the way. got all the credit and she built up a considerable clientele on the strength of the episode." New Orleans Times-Democrat. - - n,i A WEATHER FORECASTER, r, Mrs. Grenewald the Only Woman Oc cupying This Position in Bureau. One of the brainy women of the country Is Mrs. L. H. Grenewald,. of i York. Pa. She is the genius that ore- sides over the local station of the Uni ted States Weather Bureau, and daily makes- forecasts and records that are of great value to the weather author ities at tbe National '.Capital. Mrs. Grene- i . : 1 1 1 . i ii r ; .i-ptik. wald has one of the MBS. OEBNiWAiD. k a nhsprviitinn ! stations in the volunteer service and i the equipment is as good as the govern ment can well make it. In 1887 Mrs. Urenewald was given charge of the voluntary observation i work for Pennsylvania. The headquar ters were at Philadelphia. Daily she displayed the weather flags and re ceived reports from her. chief in the Quaker City. The Franklin Institute of Philadelphia in 1888 recommended her as an observer in tbe State weather service. She accepted tbe commission and set to work in earnest Her noti fication by wire of the approach of storms has been especially valuable and has brought her favorable com ment from officials high up in the ser vice. At the-request of the weather bureau she had an exhibit at the Paris exposition that attracted a good deal of interest Mrs. Grenewald is ; the only woman weather forecaster in the United States. Blue Eyes. A clear, light blue color, with a calm, steadfast glance, denotes cheerfulness; good temper and constancy, but blue eyes with a greenish tint are not so strongly indicative of these traits. A: slight inclination to greenish tints in eyes of any color is said to be a sign of wisdom and courage. Pale blue or steel-colored eyes, with shifting mo tions of eyelids and pupils, denote de ceitfulness and selfishness. Dark blue or violet denote great affection " and purity but much intellectuality. The Other Eye. James Albery, the dramatist was one day, descending in a great hurry the steps fronting the Savage Club, London, when a stranger, in a state of mind which defied punctuation, ad dressed him thus: - "I beg your pardon, but is there a gentleman In this club with one eye by the name of X.V" Albery answered the question eager ly with another: "Stop a moment What's the name of his other eye?" - Light from a Distant Star. It requires four years and four months for a ray of light to reach us from the nearest star, and yet light travels at the rate of 186.330 miles in a second. It would ' take 250,000 years for a cannon ball, traveling at the usual speed of such projectiles, to reach this Alpha centuri, which Is our nearest star neighbor. When a girl takes a basket of provi sions to poor people, she feels that she is getting a part of her heavenly re- ward when friends stop and ask her where she is going. OUH FLOUR IIS CHINA. ITS USE BECOMING MORE COM MON AMONG CELESTIALS. They Find It More Economical than Their Own Food Products-THey Con same It Mostly in the Shape of Boiled or Steamed Dishes. The Chinese are learning to use flour. With them it is largely an acquired taste. Americans are encouraging the habit, and It is very likely that as China grows more prosperous the con sumption will greatly increase. That will give American flour merchants a very big field for business. In the two years ending with 1899 the imports of flour Into China more than trebled. In 1897 the value of flour taken there was $809,192.88. In 1899 it had grown to $2,034,891.94. . Henry B. Miller, United States con sul at Chun-King, reports to the govern ment that wherever flour has been in troduced into- China there- has been such rapid increase In the demand and in the consumption as to give an as surance of a continued and growing market for it in all sections where the cost of transportation does not bar its use. With the development of. China will come improved conditions with the Chinese and a demand for better and more diversified food. In all Chinese cities a very large per centage of the population lives in a sort of hand-to-mouth fashion. The great necessity for economy In fuel seems to be the primary cause of this mode of living. Throughout central and southern China very little baked bread is used. The flour is consumed in the form of dough or dumplings, filled with chopped meat or meat and vegetables and fruit. The flour is made into, dough and then beaten into a leathery substance. It is then pressed into thin sheets and cut into strings, boiled and thus eaten, or else made into dumplings and steam ed. In nearly every case it is eaten while hot.. Foreign flour is also used quite extensively in cakes and Chinese confections. The Chinese appetite seems to demand boiled or steamed food, rather than bakes; hence very little bread is baked for Chinese con sumption. Foreign flour does not come into actu al competition with rice, and, of course, cannot altogether take its place with the great rice-eating population of China, but it furnishes a cheap variety of food. The merchants, mechanics and coolies in all the treaty ports of China get better incomes than those of the interior, and are able to add S little variety to their food, and are becoming consumers of foreign flour. r Wheat is grown to some extent In nearly every section of China, but more extensively throughout the northern and western than in the central and southern portions. In the north and west it is Used very generally for food. i The Main is ground ia small stone mills, operated by hand or animal j poweis! a.: The Chinese use vegetable growths j for fuel, among them tall millet If they take to using coal a. great area of country now given up to tall millet will no oo"1"- "e usea ipr wneai growing, 11 18 not laet Mat. tne limit, or agn cultural and horticultural resources of China have been reached. On account of tbe primitive methods of milling modern flour mills hay been construct ed there by Caucasians, One at Tien Tsin was destroyed by the "boxers." There are two at Shanghai. The consumption of flour in China, says Consul Miller, indicates a good fu- 1 "i i-. umiiw.L n . Huu flouring mill machinery, as well as em nlovment for skilled Americans In the construction and operation of flour mills. The conservative character of the people when it comes to a change in methods is such that it seems per- fectly safe to predict that the demand for flour for many years to come win be far ahead of the local production. The ability of the United States to place flour cheaply in . all the great coast cities gives assurance of an extensile nnd permanent trade between our coun try and the Orient. CHEATED OUT OF THE CLAIM. Successful Trick of Quartet of I.and- Bootnins Swindlers. Many things occurred during the opening and settlement of the Cherokee strip in Oklahoma in 1893, the like of which had never been seen or heard," said a Joplin printer, who was mixed up In the race at the opening, and se cured a number of town' lots at Paw nee. "I remember a young fellow who came down to Perry from Iowa and staked out a nice corner lot. And, by the way, merely staking out a claim did not give one the complete right of possession. You had to sit down on it and hold It fast, and the Iowa chap was a stayer. He ate his meals on the lot' and rolled himself in a blanket and slept on it at night. Unscrupulous schemers were ever present beating the unwary out of their claims. But the Iowa man held his base and played safe. "One night four men silently ap proached the sleeper. They carried a tent, a table and four seats. They quietly erected the tent over the Iowa man, got out a deck of cards and be gan playing seven up," quotes the Jop lin, Mo., News-Herald. "The Iowa man slept on. . After awhile one of the players gave him a poke In the ribs with his foot. The man in tbe blanket awoke, rubbed his eyes and stared about inquiringly, and in a very much bewildered manner. "What the are you doing here, young fellow?" de manded the man who had kicked him. 'Why why I don't exactly know, faltered the Iowan, as he extricated himself from the blanket. 'I I must have been walking In my sleep. 'Right sure you ain't trying to steal this lot from me? demanded the other, scowl ing in a threatening manner at the Iowan. .'No, sir; I am not. I had no tent or anything on my lot and I do not wish to beat you out of this claim.' I believe you're lying to me, young fel ler, an' I'm a great mind to fix you right now, but I won't If you will hold up your right band in the presence of these three men and swear this Is not your lot, and that you will not try to claim it an' make trouble, I'll let yon off this time. Some of yon guys are too tricky to live in this neigh borhood, anyway. What do you say? ' Gentlemen, I swear this is not my lot and that I will make no claim on it whatever,' said the Iowan, with uplift ed hand. That's enough. Now hit the grit.' The young man gathered up his blanket and departed. He spent the rest of the night trying to find his choice corner lot. The day broke and the sun arose, but. he was yet unsuc cessful In locating it The men in the tent threw up a shack, opened a saloon and did a thriving business on the cor ner lot, and in a few days the Iowan traded his Winchester for a lame mule and sorrowfully rode out of the terri tory." GOOD Short Stories f The late Ignatius Donnelly was once rudely interrupted in the course of u political speech by a head of cabbage thrown from the audience. "Gentle-, men," he said, mildly, "I only asked your ears; I don't care for your heads." Years ago, when Bret Harte, fresh from the Pacific slope, heard the list of famous men living at Cambridge, he said to Mr. Howells: "Why, you couldn't fire a revolver from your front porch anywhere without bringing down a two-volumer!" - - An Interesting story is being told of Queen Alexandra, which is typical of the woman. Some one at Osborne ad dressed her as "your majesty" the day after Queen Victoria passed away. There cannot be two queens," she re marked, adding that she wished to be called "her royal highness" until after the funeral of Queen Victoria. Two rival manufacturers of French coffee met before a judge. The latter took up one of the contestants' empty tins, and said: "I do not consider this an honest label. On the front you place in large letters, 'Pure French Coffee,' and on the back in small let tersin very small letters you print 'A Compound of Chicory,' etc." The person thus addressed mused for a mo ment Then he said, quite meekly: "But will your lordship kindly explain to the jury by what means you distin guish between the front and the back of a round tin?" Queen Victoria was fortunate in hav ing as her first prime minister and con stitutional tutor in one, Lord Mel bourne. That statesman's profanity characterisitc of the age when every body damned everybody's eyes and other personal peculiarities have loom ed so large in story and legend as to obscure the real sagacity and accom plishments of the man. Perhaps his sharpest collision with her was on the point of the title which her husband, Prince Albert, was to be given. The Queen strongly wished the prince to be made king consort by act of Parlia ment. Melbourne evaded the issue as long as possible, but her majesty finally insisted upon a categorical answer. "I thought it my duty to be very plain with her," said the premier afterward; "I said, 'For God's sake, let's hear no more of it, ma'am; for if you once get the English people into the way of making kings, you will get them into the way of unmaking them.' " One night Hon. William D. Faulke, in a speech before a small meeting in Indiana, when James D. Williams and Benjamin Harrison were opposing can didates for the governorship, related the following story: "Mr.- Williams, who was then a member of Congress, was one day washing his hands at one of the lavatories in the Capitol, when an attendant handed him three towels. He sighed at such wanton extrava gance, and exclaimed: 'Why, down at my farm I make a single towel last the whole family a week.' " In the East this was considered a good story, but Mr. Faulke was astonished to see that there was not a smile upon any of the faces before him; indeed, the countenances took on even. a deeper gloom. On his way home, as they drove through the woods, his companion said to him: "You didn't make a great hit with your story about 'Blue Jeans' ' family towel." "No, I didn't seem to." "Do you know why?' "No." "Well, I'll tell you. There wasn't a farmer in that crowd that hadn't done the same thing himself." Big Price for Old Carpets. When a carpet gets to be half a cen tury or more old you usually expect to be able to pick it up for a song per haps a song of a few sixpences in some second-hand shop, but sometimes you will find yourself mistaken, which would have been the case had you been at a recent second-hand carpet sale in Lisbon. Two carpets sold there were four and a half centuries old, and yet they were not bought for rags." They were carpets presented by the Infanta Donna Sancha to the Royal Convent of St. Antonio in 1500, and were put up at auction to raise money with which to repair the convent. French and Ger man bidders were the most anxious, and the carpets were started at $4,400. A Frenchman finally got them for $8, 500, and was congratulated on his bar gain. Languages Spoken by Army Officers. The Army and Navy Journal states that 304 commissioned officers of the regular army speak Spanish fluently, and that most of these are serving in the Philippines and the West Indes. About as many more officers possess a limited knowledge of Spanish. French is spoken by 224 officers, German by 136, the language of the American Indians by 13, Ital ian by 3. Swedish and Norwegian by 4, and Tagalog by 5. Chinese, Jap anese, Eskimo, . Dutch, Hungarian, Portuguese, and Polish are also spoken by some of our army officers. Tulip Festival. Tulips are cultivated in Constantino ple, and there is a tulip festival there once a year In spring. Every palace, room, gallery and garden is decorated with tulips of every kind. At night they are all lighted by colored lamps and Bengal fires, and the Sultan sits in their midst, while women sing around him and his odalisques dance before him. LET US ALL LAUGH. JOKES FROM THE PENS OF RIOUS HUMORISTS. VA- Pleasant Incidents Occurring tbs World Over Sayings that Are Cheer ful to Old or Young; Funny Belec tions that You Will Knjoy. "I am sinking for tbe third time!" shrieked the woman In the water. "Are you positive of this?" asked tbe youth who was waiting to rescue her, illy concealing his anxiety the while. "Oh, quite!" the woman protested. "For I am at this m.oment distinctly recalling everything in my past life. 1 remember the real color of my hair a if it were but yesterday that I " "Say no more!" cried the youth plung ing forthwith into the icy flood. The spectators cheered wildly, for never in their lives had they seen tbe thing more gracefully done. Detroit Journal. Something New. Farmer How much for a room? Clerk Two dollars up. Farmer What kind o' talk is that? Up our way th' say two dollars down. Timely Suggestion. Stage Manager Now, Mr. Stormer, listen to me a moment. Barnes Stormer (the villain) Well, ir? Stage Manager When the heroine says to you, "Do your worst!" that doesn't mean to act that way. A New Commandment. Teacher How many commandments are there? Small Boy 'Leven. ' Teacher Eleven! What is the elev enth? Small Boy Keep off the grass. His La-t WorJs. Spokesman Madam, we are a com mittee from the volunteer fire depart ment, of which your late lamented hus band was the respected chief, and we called to express our sympathy. Widow Oh, it's so kind and good of you. I know Henry was thinking of you when he passed away, for just be fore the end came he rose up in bed, with a far-off look in his eyes, and shouted: "Turn in a second alarm! We can't handle this fire without help!" Baltimore American. Covers Too Much Groun !. Binks Jinks Is continually telling me what a lucky fellow you are. Kinks Yes; but I don't like the way he expresses it. Every time he meets me he says: "Kinks, you're a lucky man. You don t seem to have any thing on your mind at all." Indianap olis Sun. The First Bahr. A woman's first baby is a heavenly visitant to her, a toy to her husband, a nuisance to the neighbors, and a living to tne doctor New York Press. Ont of the Mouths of Babes. Oh, mamma!" exclaimed little Edith on her return from the shnw saw an elephant, and he walks back- wara ana eats with his'tail!" Pasine; Fare. Street car conductors are never beau tiful. In fact, they are not even pass ing rare Philadelphia Record. He Would Know. She Papa has an absurd notion that you nave money. He I suppose we would better let him think so. She Yes, but we've got to get mar ried: some time. Canse and Xffect. Teacher Little boys will be punished if they tell lies. Small Boy Not if they don't ketched. Sit A Domestic Orphan. "Are you glad your pa is in politics, Jimmy?" on, l don t mind pa goiu' in nia she's gone in, too." -but Statu Quo. Mrs. Pettit Whenever I express a desire for anything mv hnsha ' objects. I Mrs. Ig. Nord Same with me. I can express the desire as often as I please. It never disturbs him. Philadelphia Press. Oreran Chiefly Concerned "You won't touch that cake!" his wife tearfully exclaimed. "And I made it on purpose to please you. You have no heart!" "Perhaps not, Maria," replied the dyspeptic husband, with a weary sigh. "But I am painfully conscious of my liver." Chicago Tribune. Income and Outfco. "Gramma, pa costs me a n'awful lot." "How, sonny?" "Why, gramma, when I'm good all day he gives me a penny, an' when I'm bad I have to give him a penny." Art Limitations. . "What kind of pictures would you bang in a dining room?" "Well, I'd draw the line on paintings of beef on the hoof and on still life studies in canned truck." The Attraction. Nell Why did Miss Bargainsales re ject Mr. Bjones wben he was rich and then marry him after he had lost all his money? : Belle I suppose because he was so terribly reduced. Philadelphia Record. The citizen, looked helplessly at the piles of drifted snow that lay on the sidewalk in front of his house. 'What would you take to clean this walk?" be said, addressing the first man woo came along. A shovel, sir," responded Mr. Ruf- fon Wratta, Walking Delegate of Jew elers Union, No. 247, passing on. Chi cago Tribune. Cross Tobias, "But, tny dear Tobias, remember that y may die at any time." "Die, did yon say? Die? That's the last thing I'll do." gondags NIsse. Ths Deatroyer. "I'm afraid poor old Hithard la done for. His locomotor ataxia is too much for him at test" "What roak of automobile is that?" Smart Set. Raral Art Criticism. Impressionist Artist I paint things as I see them. Farmer Way back (kindly) Do ye, naow! Don't ye think that mebbe some liver medicine would do ye good? Hommerviile Journal. An Kaay Matter. "The reason some men don't get along happily," said Mr. Meekton, "ia that they don't know how to manage a wife." "You know this?' was the skeptical query. "Certainly. It is the simplest thing in the world. All you have to do is to say 'yes' whenever she wants anything and always let her have her own way." Washington Star. Good Name. "The new American consul general at Hongkong is named Rublee," re marked the Observant Boarder. "Rub Lee," repeated the Cross-Eyed Boarder; "how suggestive of washee washee!" Philadelphia North Ameri can. An Inquiry. Miss Beansby Perhaps you haven't read all of Omar Khayyam? Mrs. Porkchopp Perhaps not. Has he written anything recently? Puck. His Customary 8tae. "Your friend Tackey is 'way off in Honolulu now.' Doesn't that surprise you?" "It does and it doesn't." "Heard ne was going there, eh?" z "No, I didn't know he was in Hon olulu, but I knew he was 'way off even when he was here." Philadelphia Rec ord. Not Hard to Suit. Executive I would appoint your man, but he is too ignorant for the po lice force. Heeler Den put him on de school board. Moonshine. They Pass. Daughter But he is so full of ab surd ideals. Mother Never mind that, dear. Your father was just the same before I married him. Brooklyn Life. An Objectionable Word. Weary What klndVo sbavin soa4i does yer use? " i .. I-. ...... .. i. , . me. Bneae-ement Confidence. "You trust me thoroughly, don't you. Ethel?". "Of course, Edgar; but, tell me, are the installments on this diamond ring all paid off?" No Vernal Joy. "I pity the rich." "Why?" "They know nothing of the joys of spring, for they have lettuce the yeai round." Little Ansrel. "Does Bobby cry much T' "No; he doesn't cry at all unless he wants his own way about something." Fair Knoua-h. Disgruntled and Umbrellaless Citi zen You played thunder, didn't you, in predicting fair weather for to-day? Weather Prophet Well, it is as fail for one as it is for the other, isn't itr Puck. ' Afterward. She How did you come to propose to me, Harry? He Um er; I think I came in a street car. I didn't have the price of a cab. Detroit Free Press. Roosevelt Never Dodged Trouble. "When Theodore Roosevelt was a lit tle boy he and a playmate used to walk together to a private school," says the Ladies' Home Journal. "Their way took them past a public school. One day young Teddy appeared In a new sailor suit. This was too much for the public school boys. To them the suit was the distinguishing mark of a 'dude.' The sneering crowd planted ltseir across tne siaewaiK. xeaay and his chum, seeing trouble ahead, came on with fists clenched, and the battle began. A few minutes later the 'dude' and his companion went on their way somewhat less tidy than when they started, but leaving behind them a tamed and lame bunch of surprised boys. For a week there were daily fights with the same results. One morning after an especially hard battle, young '.Roose velt said to his friend: 'Let's 'go around the block and come back to fight 'em again. " A small boy sometimes gets all the candy he can eat but never ail he wants. " The man who lacks faith in his abil ity seldom accomplishes anything. est. . e.L