PHINEAS HARDEN'S
TT") HEY stood about the farmhouse
jfin awkward, constrained groups,
. waiting, as they might have ex
pressed it, "for the funeral to start."
The dead woman was lying in the best
room. It had been the passing away of
a hard life.
Phineas Harden leaned his head
against the shutter which had been
closed to keep out the glaring light, and
as he sat there, half-hearing the sounds
which came to him through the open
window, he heard quite distinctly these
words:
"Died peaceful at the last, they say.
Well, there'd ought ter be some peace
in the course of a natural life, an' if
there was going ter be any in old Mis'
Harden's life, guess it had ter get Its
innings in at pretty nigh the last lick,
an' a close shave at that. My, didn't
she lead Dick Harden a life. Rec'lect
when there wasn't a sprucer man in
town, but she took the spirit out of him,
an' It warn't much of a job fer con
sumption ttr finish him up."
Phineas never forgot that. It had
been the putting into words what he
had never quite admitted even to him
self. The days that followed his mother's
death passed peacefully enough. After
a while he became used to the quiet of
the house. It didn't seem lonely to
him; he had never felt lonely, not even
at the first. It was only as though
some discordant note had dropped out
of his life.
People sometimes looked curiously at
him and wondered if he ever thought
of Lorinda North. But no one could
read the thoughts that were hidden
back of his eyes. They were eyes that
rather baffled you; they had always
annoyed his mother. When he was a
child she had said one day, "Where he
gets that look beats me. He minds
well, an' he'd oughter, seein' the trou
ble I've been to, bringing him up. His
hands an' feet are quick enough to do
as I say, but I can't feel but what
HE LONQKD FOB QUIET AND PEACK.
there's somethin' back of his eyes that
I ain't never touched."
Lorinda North kept a little shop,
which was the local exponent of metro
politan styles. She was a woman who
took life hard. It did not come easy to
any of these hard-worked, narrow-,
lived women, and she had fought
against each hard knock until all the
softness, which may once have been
hers, had been rubbed off. There had
been an old love affair between these
two, but how far it had progressed no
one ever quite knew. Some one had
once ventured to ask Lorinda about it
"She wasn't going to be an old wom
an's nurse," she had said. "She'd al
ways made out to make a living for
herself, and she guessed she could still.
She wasn't going to live in any man's
house and have another woman boss
it"
Perhaps In these years in which
there had been plenty of time for quiet
thought she had sometimes regretted
her lost chance of happiness. Surely
they had been lonely years, hard years,
too, and they had borne their fruit in
Lorinda North. There wasn't a woman
In the town who did not feel a little
uneasy when under the battery of her
sharp eyes. Phineas Harden had been
the only one who had ever pushed open,
even ever so slightly, the door of her
heart; and after she had closed this
little chink,' love had gone to easier
pathways, and left the door of Lorin
da's heart closed hard and fast
People had speculated somewhat as
to how she would take the news of
Mrs. Harden's death. Perhaps it had
stirred, more deeply than she knew,
the undercurrent of her life. Surely,
Phineas was often in her mind In these
days. Not with any tenderness of feel
Ing did she think of the lonely man;
but perhaps because his solitary life
bore so closely on her own did her
thoughts so often turn to him. As she
looked forward, as she did sometimes
of late, to the years and years stretch
ing out their weary length before her,
a thought, which was at first vague
and undefined, gradually took definite
shape in her mind.
They had both always been regular
church attendants. Through the sum
mer Lorinda had sat Just back of Phin
eas Harden's pew, and the time seemed
very long ago when the pew in front
had been empty at the evening meeting
and he had sat back with her.
His mother had been dead just six
months. The cold and dreariness of the
winter was gone, and it was a soft
night in early June. The windows in
the old church were open, and perhaps
Phineas listened more to the monoton
ous voice of the minister. When he
was a little boy he had often wished
that they would have, church outdoors.
God seemed nearer there. The woman
sat and watched bis face during the
long sermon. She looked at it more
carefully, perhaps, than she had ever
done before. But Lorinda North was
not capable of seeing the real Phineas
Harden. All she saw was a slight, bent
figure; a face, with eyes that were apt
' to fall a little before the hard look in
her own She could not know that he
did not-meet her eyes only because It
pained him to see the expression which
time bad printed on her face.
The long service was over, and there
was a sigh of relief as the congrega
tion stood and received the benedic-
INHERITANCE
tion. Phineas had never passed out of
his pew without stopping and speaking
to Lorinda. To-night he looked up with
his usual smile; she was just beside
him, her hand resting on the railing of
the old pew that stood between them.
Something in her face arrested him;
he stopped and took her hand.
What is it, Lorinda? Is anything
the matter?"
She looked for a full minute into his
kind, inquiring eyes before she spoke.
"No, nothing's the matter. 1 only
thought that, perhaps perhaps, we
might walk home together."
He dropped her hand, and the color
flashed to his face. But the blood moves
more slowly at forty than at' twenty,
and he only said:
"Why, yes, Lorinda, of course."
The night was clear and beautiful.
It was strange how the man noted each
sound, and how his thoughts went back
to another June night long ago, when
he had walked over this same road
with the woman beside him. He looked
at her face; even in this soft half-light,
it was hard and cold. There was some
thing pathetic in the silent walk of
these two old lovers. They were almost
at her door now, and she turned her
face toward him. If he could have
known it, there were two bright spots
on her cheeks; as it was, he felt a great
pity for the lonely woman. He did not
know that they were two players In
"the tragedy of what might have been,"
but he dimly felt that she was trying
to bridge over the lapse of time that
had come between them. He remem
bered something of the feeling be had
once had when she was beside him.
and a wave of longing, not for her, but
for the love that had gone, came over
him. He almost forgot the woman iu
his remembrance of th love which
she had once awakened.
As the memory of the old emotions
came over him his heart softened and
he turned toward her with ready words
on his Hps. But they had reached her
door, and she was holding out her
hand.
"Good-night, Phineas. I haven't any
idea but that you think strange of what
I've done to-night, but whatever you
think I know 1 can trust you to keep
still. Perhaps there's things we all re
gret. I don't know how you feel,
but " She had opened the door now
and had stepped just within the shop
"but I won't be busy Saturday night,
and if you want to come I'll be at
home." - And before he had time to an
swer, the door had been shut and he
was alone.
It had been a hot week for so early
in the season. Phineas felt .tired and
spent as he drove home from town on
Saturday afternoon. As he neared his
house its loneliness struck him as some
thing new. The heat of the day, and
his struggles with the question which
he had been evading, and which kept
him calling for an answer, depressed
him. He longed for quiet and peace;
whether the old quiet life or the possi
ble peace of a new one, he did not,
know. But his house was not so lonely,'
after all; for, as he came nearer, he
gaw the old doctor's sulky beside the
gate. He had always liked the cheer-
ful, sensible old man, and he hailed him
now with even a note of relief in his
voice: '
"Hello, Phineas; thought you'd be
along if I waited a minute."
Phineas got out and stood by the side
of the doctor's sulky.
"It's about the bill, I s'pose," he said.
"I meant to see about it before,
but "
"See here, Phineas Harden, did you
ever know me to drive people on my
bills? It isn't a bill this time, but some
thing that I ought to have attended to
as soon as your mother died, but It
clean slipped my mind, and that's the
only excuse I have to offer. I don't
know whether you've ever thought
much about your father; he died when
you were pretty young. He was one
of the best friends I ever had. They
said he died of consumption; I said
so myself, and I suppose he did; but if
ever a man died of loneliness and want
of sympathy it was Dick Harden. Just
before he died he gave me a letter to
give you. He told me to keep it as long
as your mother lived, and at her death
to give it to you if you were still un
married; so, since you're a blooming
old bachelor like myself, here it is. And
whatever is in it just remember that
your father was a good man, and lived
better than most men die."
In the afterglow of the sunset Phin
eas sat turning the letter over in his
hand. The fading light was too dim
for the faint, indistinct writing, and he
lighted the lamp.
He looked at the date and It gave him
a curious feeling to know that his
father had been younger than he him
self was when he had written the let
ter. It was true that he had thought
of his father but little, and perhaps
nothing In his life had ever touched
him as did this letter, which seemed as
real to him as though it wero his fath
er's voice coming down to him through
the years.
The writing was stiff and cramped.
He read the lines again and again, see
ing his father through each word:
To My Dear Son Whether you will
ever see this I cannot tell. When life is
almost ended, some things seem very
clear. 1 cannot leave yon much, but per
haps you will some time understand.
There is only just enough to take care
of your mother. I wish, God only knows
how I wish, that I could leave you happi
ness. Lying here I've had time to think
it all over, and I am leaving this letter
with the prayer that God will somehow
make it do the work.
There is just one thing I want to say.
Be sure of yourself. Never make friends
because you are lonely. There is no lone
liness like that of a heart that cannot get
back to itself. Perhaps . you will know
what I mean; if yon don't, it won't make
any difference anyway. I leave you my
dying blessing. Your father,
RICHARD HARDEN.
The evening hours wore slowly away.
When her little, restless clock struck
nine, Lorinda North blew out the light
In her sitting-room. Phineas Harden
had not come. The Springfield Republican.
CONTROLLED BY AN IDEA.
Body and Hind May Be Dominated by
Preconceived .Notions.
"Nothing Is stranger than the way
In which the body and mind may be
come dominated by what is called a
'fixed idea,' " said a physician of this
city who makes a specialty of diseases
of the nerves. "What reminded me of
the subject," he went on, "was a very
curious case thai came to my atten
tion not a great while ago. A 12-year-old
boy, the son of a very respectable
family in moderate circumstances, who
live on the lower side of Canal street,
had a slight attack of inflammatory
rheumatism last winter and upon re
covery some months later found him
self unable to straighten bis right arm.
tt was beut in such a position that the
back of the hand almost touched the
shoulder, and. while there was no par
ticular soreness about it, the boy sim
ply insisted that he could not move the
elbow and hold the limb straight. I
saw no reason why there should be
any such a result from bis slight rheu
matic attack and was persuaded from
the outset that the boy, while no doubt
perfectly honest, was simply a victim
of self-deception.
"During his illness he bad probably
found the arm more comfortable when
bent and gradually his mind had be
come dominated by the fixed idea that
it was impossible for him to extend it
In such cases it is useless to argue with
the patient, but frequently some lucky
accident will dissipate the illusion. One
day last fall I dropped In to see the boy
and while I was in the bouse an old
negro auntie remarked in his bearing
that 'somebody done put a charm on
aat arm ana that she knew how to
'take it oft".' 'How would you do it?
I asked. 'I'd use a red charm, stone I
have at home,' she said. 'I rub it on
his shoulder an' dat arm straighten out
shore!' I could see the boy was deeply
impressed and I gave the old woman a
quarter and told her to be around with
the charm stone next afternoon. I was
on hand myself before the appointed
hour and told the child, with a great
show of telling him in confidence, that
I rather expected the charm was going
to cure him. The magic stone turned
out to be a piece of common red flint,
but after the old auntie had mumbled
several incantations, rubbed his shoul
der vigorously and worked him into a
state of high excitement I took bis
wrist and suddenly pulled the limb
straight.
" 'Why, she's done It. sure enoughr
I shouted, working the elbow vigorous
ly before he bad time to object; 'try it
yourself! Your arm is as good as ever!'
He moved it, cautiously at first and
then more freely, and finally declared
he was all right. The last time I saw
him he was perfectly sound. It was
merely a case of mind cure that was
all. As the trouble was imaginary in
the first place, a little imagination was
needed to remove It. The old darky, by
the way. got all the credit and she built
up a considerable clientele on the
strength of the episode." New Orleans
Times-Democrat.
- - n,i
A WEATHER FORECASTER, r,
Mrs. Grenewald the Only Woman Oc
cupying This Position in Bureau.
One of the brainy women of the
country Is Mrs. L. H. Grenewald,. of i
York. Pa. She is the genius that ore-
sides over the local
station of the Uni
ted States Weather
Bureau, and daily
makes- forecasts
and records that are
of great value to
the weather author
ities at tbe National
'.Capital. Mrs. Grene-
i . : 1 1 1 . i ii r ; .i-ptik.
wald has one of the
MBS. OEBNiWAiD. k a nhsprviitinn !
stations in the volunteer service and i
the equipment is as good as the govern
ment can well make it.
In 1887 Mrs. Urenewald was given
charge of the voluntary observation i
work for Pennsylvania. The headquar
ters were at Philadelphia. Daily she
displayed the weather flags and re
ceived reports from her. chief in the
Quaker City. The Franklin Institute
of Philadelphia in 1888 recommended
her as an observer in tbe State weather
service. She accepted tbe commission
and set to work in earnest Her noti
fication by wire of the approach of
storms has been especially valuable
and has brought her favorable com
ment from officials high up in the ser
vice. At the-request of the weather
bureau she had an exhibit at the Paris
exposition that attracted a good deal
of interest Mrs. Grenewald is ; the
only woman weather forecaster in the
United States.
Blue Eyes.
A clear, light blue color, with a calm,
steadfast glance, denotes cheerfulness;
good temper and constancy, but blue
eyes with a greenish tint are not so
strongly indicative of these traits. A:
slight inclination to greenish tints in
eyes of any color is said to be a sign
of wisdom and courage. Pale blue or
steel-colored eyes, with shifting mo
tions of eyelids and pupils, denote de
ceitfulness and selfishness. Dark blue
or violet denote great affection " and
purity but much intellectuality.
The Other Eye.
James Albery, the dramatist was
one day, descending in a great hurry
the steps fronting the Savage Club,
London, when a stranger, in a state of
mind which defied punctuation, ad
dressed him thus:
- "I beg your pardon, but is there a
gentleman In this club with one eye
by the name of X.V"
Albery answered the question eager
ly with another: "Stop a moment
What's the name of his other eye?" -
Light from a Distant Star.
It requires four years and four
months for a ray of light to reach us
from the nearest star, and yet light
travels at the rate of 186.330 miles in a
second. It would ' take 250,000 years
for a cannon ball, traveling at the usual
speed of such projectiles, to reach this
Alpha centuri, which Is our nearest
star neighbor.
When a girl takes a basket of provi
sions to poor people, she feels that she
is getting a part of her heavenly re-
ward when friends stop and ask her
where she is going.
OUH FLOUR IIS CHINA.
ITS USE BECOMING MORE COM
MON AMONG CELESTIALS.
They Find It More Economical than
Their Own Food Products-THey Con
same It Mostly in the Shape of
Boiled or Steamed Dishes.
The Chinese are learning to use flour.
With them it is largely an acquired
taste. Americans are encouraging the
habit, and It is very likely that as
China grows more prosperous the con
sumption will greatly increase. That
will give American flour merchants a
very big field for business.
In the two years ending with 1899
the imports of flour Into China more
than trebled. In 1897 the value of flour
taken there was $809,192.88. In 1899
it had grown to $2,034,891.94. .
Henry B. Miller, United States con
sul at Chun-King, reports to the govern
ment that wherever flour has been in
troduced into- China there- has been
such rapid increase In the demand and
in the consumption as to give an as
surance of a continued and growing
market for it in all sections where the
cost of transportation does not bar its
use. With the development of. China
will come improved conditions with
the Chinese and a demand for better
and more diversified food.
In all Chinese cities a very large per
centage of the population lives in a
sort of hand-to-mouth fashion. The
great necessity for economy In fuel
seems to be the primary cause of this
mode of living. Throughout central
and southern China very little baked
bread is used. The flour is consumed
in the form of dough or dumplings,
filled with chopped meat or meat and
vegetables and fruit.
The flour is made into, dough and
then beaten into a leathery substance.
It is then pressed into thin sheets and
cut into strings, boiled and thus eaten,
or else made into dumplings and steam
ed. In nearly every case it is eaten
while hot.. Foreign flour is also used
quite extensively in cakes and Chinese
confections. The Chinese appetite
seems to demand boiled or steamed
food, rather than bakes; hence very
little bread is baked for Chinese con
sumption. Foreign flour does not come into actu
al competition with rice, and, of course,
cannot altogether take its place with
the great rice-eating population of
China, but it furnishes a cheap variety
of food. The merchants, mechanics
and coolies in all the treaty ports of
China get better incomes than those of
the interior, and are able to add S little
variety to their food, and are becoming
consumers of foreign flour. r
Wheat is grown to some extent In
nearly every section of China, but more
extensively throughout the northern
and western than in the central and
southern portions. In the north and
west it is Used very generally for food.
i The Main is ground ia small stone
mills, operated by hand or animal
j poweis! a.:
The Chinese use vegetable growths
j for fuel, among them tall millet If
they take to using coal a. great area of
country now given up to tall millet will
no oo"1"- "e usea ipr wneai growing,
11 18 not laet Mat. tne limit, or agn
cultural and horticultural resources of
China have been reached. On account
of tbe primitive methods of milling
modern flour mills hay been construct
ed there by Caucasians, One at Tien
Tsin was destroyed by the "boxers."
There are two at Shanghai.
The consumption of flour in China,
says Consul Miller, indicates a good fu-
1 "i i-. umiiw.L n . Huu
flouring mill machinery, as well as em
nlovment for skilled Americans In the
construction and operation of flour
mills. The conservative character of
the people when it comes to a change
in methods is such that it seems per-
fectly safe to predict that the demand
for flour for many years to come win
be far ahead of the local production.
The ability of the United States to place
flour cheaply in . all the great coast
cities gives assurance of an extensile
nnd permanent trade between our coun
try and the Orient.
CHEATED OUT OF THE CLAIM.
Successful Trick of Quartet of I.and-
Bootnins Swindlers.
Many things occurred during the
opening and settlement of the Cherokee
strip in Oklahoma in 1893, the like of
which had never been seen or heard,"
said a Joplin printer, who was mixed
up In the race at the opening, and se
cured a number of town' lots at Paw
nee. "I remember a young fellow who
came down to Perry from Iowa and
staked out a nice corner lot. And, by
the way, merely staking out a claim
did not give one the complete right of
possession. You had to sit down on it
and hold It fast, and the Iowa chap
was a stayer. He ate his meals on the
lot' and rolled himself in a blanket
and slept on it at night. Unscrupulous
schemers were ever present beating
the unwary out of their claims. But
the Iowa man held his base and played
safe.
"One night four men silently ap
proached the sleeper. They carried a
tent, a table and four seats. They
quietly erected the tent over the Iowa
man, got out a deck of cards and be
gan playing seven up," quotes the Jop
lin, Mo., News-Herald. "The Iowa
man slept on. . After awhile one of the
players gave him a poke In the ribs
with his foot. The man in tbe blanket
awoke, rubbed his eyes and stared
about inquiringly, and in a very much
bewildered manner. "What the
are you doing here, young fellow?" de
manded the man who had kicked him.
'Why why I don't exactly know,
faltered the Iowan, as he extricated
himself from the blanket. 'I I must
have been walking In my sleep. 'Right
sure you ain't trying to steal this lot
from me? demanded the other, scowl
ing in a threatening manner at the
Iowan. .'No, sir; I am not. I had no
tent or anything on my lot and I do
not wish to beat you out of this claim.'
I believe you're lying to me, young fel
ler, an' I'm a great mind to fix you
right now, but I won't If you will
hold up your right band in the presence
of these three men and swear this Is
not your lot, and that you will not try
to claim it an' make trouble, I'll let
yon off this time. Some of yon guys
are too tricky to live in this neigh
borhood, anyway. What do you say?
' Gentlemen, I swear this is not my
lot and that I will make no claim on it
whatever,' said the Iowan, with uplift
ed hand. That's enough. Now hit the
grit.' The young man gathered up his
blanket and departed. He spent the
rest of the night trying to find his
choice corner lot. The day broke and
the sun arose, but. he was yet unsuc
cessful In locating it The men in the
tent threw up a shack, opened a saloon
and did a thriving business on the cor
ner lot, and in a few days the Iowan
traded his Winchester for a lame mule
and sorrowfully rode out of the terri
tory." GOOD
Short Stories f
The late Ignatius Donnelly was once
rudely interrupted in the course of u
political speech by a head of cabbage
thrown from the audience. "Gentle-,
men," he said, mildly, "I only asked
your ears; I don't care for your heads."
Years ago, when Bret Harte, fresh
from the Pacific slope, heard the list
of famous men living at Cambridge, he
said to Mr. Howells: "Why, you
couldn't fire a revolver from your front
porch anywhere without bringing down
a two-volumer!" - -
An Interesting story is being told of
Queen Alexandra, which is typical of
the woman. Some one at Osborne ad
dressed her as "your majesty" the
day after Queen Victoria passed away.
There cannot be two queens," she re
marked, adding that she wished to be
called "her royal highness" until after
the funeral of Queen Victoria.
Two rival manufacturers of French
coffee met before a judge. The latter
took up one of the contestants' empty
tins, and said: "I do not consider this
an honest label. On the front you
place in large letters, 'Pure French
Coffee,' and on the back in small let
tersin very small letters you print
'A Compound of Chicory,' etc." The
person thus addressed mused for a mo
ment Then he said, quite meekly:
"But will your lordship kindly explain
to the jury by what means you distin
guish between the front and the back
of a round tin?"
Queen Victoria was fortunate in hav
ing as her first prime minister and con
stitutional tutor in one, Lord Mel
bourne. That statesman's profanity
characterisitc of the age when every
body damned everybody's eyes and
other personal peculiarities have loom
ed so large in story and legend as to
obscure the real sagacity and accom
plishments of the man. Perhaps his
sharpest collision with her was on the
point of the title which her husband,
Prince Albert, was to be given. The
Queen strongly wished the prince to be
made king consort by act of Parlia
ment. Melbourne evaded the issue as
long as possible, but her majesty finally
insisted upon a categorical answer. "I
thought it my duty to be very plain
with her," said the premier afterward;
"I said, 'For God's sake, let's hear no
more of it, ma'am; for if you once get
the English people into the way of
making kings, you will get them into
the way of unmaking them.' "
One night Hon. William D. Faulke,
in a speech before a small meeting in
Indiana, when James D. Williams and
Benjamin Harrison were opposing can
didates for the governorship, related
the following story: "Mr.- Williams,
who was then a member of Congress,
was one day washing his hands at one
of the lavatories in the Capitol, when
an attendant handed him three towels.
He sighed at such wanton extrava
gance, and exclaimed: 'Why, down at
my farm I make a single towel last the
whole family a week.' " In the East this
was considered a good story, but Mr.
Faulke was astonished to see that there
was not a smile upon any of the faces
before him; indeed, the countenances
took on even. a deeper gloom. On his
way home, as they drove through the
woods, his companion said to him:
"You didn't make a great hit with your
story about 'Blue Jeans' ' family
towel." "No, I didn't seem to." "Do
you know why?' "No." "Well, I'll
tell you. There wasn't a farmer in that
crowd that hadn't done the same thing
himself."
Big Price for Old Carpets.
When a carpet gets to be half a cen
tury or more old you usually expect to
be able to pick it up for a song per
haps a song of a few sixpences in some
second-hand shop, but sometimes you
will find yourself mistaken, which
would have been the case had you been
at a recent second-hand carpet sale in
Lisbon. Two carpets sold there were
four and a half centuries old, and yet
they were not bought for rags." They
were carpets presented by the Infanta
Donna Sancha to the Royal Convent of
St. Antonio in 1500, and were put up at
auction to raise money with which to
repair the convent. French and Ger
man bidders were the most anxious,
and the carpets were started at $4,400.
A Frenchman finally got them for $8,
500, and was congratulated on his bar
gain. Languages Spoken by Army Officers.
The Army and Navy Journal states
that 304 commissioned officers of the
regular army speak Spanish fluently,
and that most of these are serving in
the Philippines and the West Indes.
About as many more officers possess a
limited knowledge of Spanish. French
is spoken by 224 officers, German
by 136, the language of the
American Indians by 13, Ital
ian by 3. Swedish and Norwegian
by 4, and Tagalog by 5. Chinese, Jap
anese, Eskimo, . Dutch, Hungarian,
Portuguese, and Polish are also spoken
by some of our army officers.
Tulip Festival.
Tulips are cultivated in Constantino
ple, and there is a tulip festival there
once a year In spring. Every palace,
room, gallery and garden is decorated
with tulips of every kind. At night
they are all lighted by colored lamps
and Bengal fires, and the Sultan sits in
their midst, while women sing around
him and his odalisques dance before
him.
LET US ALL LAUGH.
JOKES FROM THE PENS OF
RIOUS HUMORISTS.
VA-
Pleasant Incidents Occurring tbs
World Over Sayings that Are Cheer
ful to Old or Young; Funny Belec
tions that You Will Knjoy.
"I am sinking for tbe third time!"
shrieked the woman In the water.
"Are you positive of this?" asked tbe
youth who was waiting to rescue her,
illy concealing his anxiety the while.
"Oh, quite!" the woman protested.
"For I am at this m.oment distinctly
recalling everything in my past life. 1
remember the real color of my hair a
if it were but yesterday that I "
"Say no more!" cried the youth plung
ing forthwith into the icy flood.
The spectators cheered wildly, for
never in their lives had they seen tbe
thing more gracefully done. Detroit
Journal.
Something New.
Farmer How much for a room?
Clerk Two dollars up.
Farmer What kind o' talk is that?
Up our way th' say two dollars down.
Timely Suggestion.
Stage Manager Now, Mr. Stormer,
listen to me a moment.
Barnes Stormer (the villain) Well,
ir?
Stage Manager When the heroine
says to you, "Do your worst!" that
doesn't mean to act that way.
A New Commandment.
Teacher How many commandments
are there?
Small Boy 'Leven. '
Teacher Eleven! What is the elev
enth? Small Boy Keep off the grass.
His La-t WorJs.
Spokesman Madam, we are a com
mittee from the volunteer fire depart
ment, of which your late lamented hus
band was the respected chief, and we
called to express our sympathy.
Widow Oh, it's so kind and good of
you. I know Henry was thinking of
you when he passed away, for just be
fore the end came he rose up in bed,
with a far-off look in his eyes, and
shouted: "Turn in a second alarm! We
can't handle this fire without help!"
Baltimore American.
Covers Too Much Groun !.
Binks Jinks Is continually telling me
what a lucky fellow you are.
Kinks Yes; but I don't like the way
he expresses it. Every time he meets
me he says: "Kinks, you're a lucky
man. You don t seem to have any
thing on your mind at all." Indianap
olis Sun.
The First Bahr.
A woman's first baby is a heavenly
visitant to her, a toy to her husband, a
nuisance to the neighbors, and a living
to tne doctor New York Press.
Ont of the Mouths of Babes.
Oh, mamma!" exclaimed little
Edith on her return from the shnw
saw an elephant, and he walks back-
wara ana eats with his'tail!"
Pasine; Fare.
Street car conductors are never beau
tiful. In fact, they are not even pass
ing rare Philadelphia Record.
He Would Know.
She Papa has an absurd notion that
you nave money.
He I suppose we would better let
him think so.
She Yes, but we've got to get mar
ried: some time.
Canse and Xffect.
Teacher Little boys will be punished
if they tell lies.
Small Boy Not if they don't
ketched.
Sit
A Domestic Orphan.
"Are you glad your pa is in politics,
Jimmy?"
on, l don t mind pa goiu' in
nia she's gone in, too."
-but
Statu Quo.
Mrs. Pettit Whenever I express a
desire for anything mv hnsha
' objects.
I Mrs. Ig. Nord Same with me. I can
express the desire as often as I please.
It never disturbs him. Philadelphia
Press.
Oreran Chiefly Concerned
"You won't touch that cake!" his
wife tearfully exclaimed. "And I
made it on purpose to please you. You
have no heart!"
"Perhaps not, Maria," replied the
dyspeptic husband, with a weary sigh.
"But I am painfully conscious of my
liver." Chicago Tribune.
Income and Outfco.
"Gramma, pa costs me a n'awful lot."
"How, sonny?"
"Why, gramma, when I'm good all
day he gives me a penny, an' when I'm
bad I have to give him a penny."
Art Limitations. .
"What kind of pictures would you
bang in a dining room?"
"Well, I'd draw the line on paintings
of beef on the hoof and on still life
studies in canned truck."
The Attraction.
Nell Why did Miss Bargainsales re
ject Mr. Bjones wben he was rich and
then marry him after he had lost all
his money? :
Belle I suppose because he was so
terribly reduced. Philadelphia Record.
The citizen, looked helplessly at the
piles of drifted snow that lay on the
sidewalk in front of his house.
'What would you take to clean this
walk?" be said, addressing the first
man woo came along.
A shovel, sir," responded Mr. Ruf-
fon Wratta, Walking Delegate of Jew
elers Union, No. 247, passing on. Chi
cago Tribune.
Cross Tobias,
"But, tny dear Tobias, remember that
y may die at any time."
"Die, did yon say? Die? That's the
last thing I'll do." gondags NIsse.
Ths Deatroyer.
"I'm afraid poor old Hithard la done
for. His locomotor ataxia is too much
for him at test"
"What roak of automobile is that?"
Smart Set.
Raral Art Criticism.
Impressionist Artist I paint things
as I see them.
Farmer Way back (kindly) Do ye,
naow! Don't ye think that mebbe
some liver medicine would do ye good?
Hommerviile Journal.
An Kaay Matter.
"The reason some men don't get
along happily," said Mr. Meekton, "ia
that they don't know how to manage a
wife."
"You know this?' was the skeptical
query.
"Certainly. It is the simplest thing
in the world. All you have to do is to
say 'yes' whenever she wants anything
and always let her have her own way."
Washington Star.
Good Name.
"The new American consul general
at Hongkong is named Rublee," re
marked the Observant Boarder.
"Rub Lee," repeated the Cross-Eyed
Boarder; "how suggestive of washee
washee!" Philadelphia North Ameri
can. An Inquiry.
Miss Beansby Perhaps you haven't
read all of Omar Khayyam?
Mrs. Porkchopp Perhaps not. Has
he written anything recently? Puck.
His Customary 8tae.
"Your friend Tackey is 'way off in
Honolulu now.' Doesn't that surprise
you?"
"It does and it doesn't."
"Heard ne was going there, eh?" z
"No, I didn't know he was in Hon
olulu, but I knew he was 'way off even
when he was here." Philadelphia Rec
ord. Not Hard to Suit.
Executive I would appoint your
man, but he is too ignorant for the po
lice force.
Heeler Den put him on de school
board. Moonshine.
They Pass.
Daughter But he is so full of ab
surd ideals.
Mother Never mind that, dear.
Your father was just the same before
I married him. Brooklyn Life.
An Objectionable Word.
Weary What klndVo sbavin soa4i
does yer use? "
i .. I-. ...... .. i. , .
me.
Bneae-ement Confidence.
"You trust me thoroughly, don't you.
Ethel?".
"Of course, Edgar; but, tell me, are
the installments on this diamond ring
all paid off?"
No Vernal Joy.
"I pity the rich."
"Why?"
"They know nothing of the joys of
spring, for they have lettuce the yeai
round."
Little Ansrel.
"Does Bobby cry much T'
"No; he doesn't cry at all unless he
wants his own way about something."
Fair Knoua-h.
Disgruntled and Umbrellaless Citi
zen You played thunder, didn't you, in
predicting fair weather for to-day?
Weather Prophet Well, it is as fail
for one as it is for the other, isn't itr
Puck. '
Afterward.
She How did you come to propose to
me, Harry?
He Um er; I think I came in a
street car. I didn't have the price of a
cab. Detroit Free Press.
Roosevelt Never Dodged Trouble.
"When Theodore Roosevelt was a lit
tle boy he and a playmate used to walk
together to a private school," says the
Ladies' Home Journal. "Their way
took them past a public school. One
day young Teddy appeared In a new
sailor suit. This was too much for
the public school boys. To them the
suit was the distinguishing mark of a
'dude.' The sneering crowd planted
ltseir across tne siaewaiK. xeaay and
his chum, seeing trouble ahead, came
on with fists clenched, and the battle
began. A few minutes later the 'dude'
and his companion went on their way
somewhat less tidy than when they
started, but leaving behind them a tamed
and lame bunch of surprised boys. For a
week there were daily fights with the
same results. One morning after an
especially hard battle, young '.Roose
velt said to his friend: 'Let's 'go
around the block and come back to
fight 'em again. "
A small boy sometimes gets all the
candy he can eat but never ail he
wants. "
The man who lacks faith in his abil
ity seldom accomplishes anything.
est. . e.L