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About The Columbian. (St. Helens, Columbia County, Or.) 1880-1886 | View Entire Issue (June 30, 1882)
V. A -A- ' k 7 11 1 4 ST. HELENS, COLUMBIA COUNTY, OREGON, JUNE 30, 1882. NO. 47. AOL. II COLUMBIA ) 0:1 cn Tio: !j1 Wabrrs. At Montrose, one day'recontlyyin lionr before high-water, a number of the crew of the lifeboat went out to try the ex p:-r tent of stilling the waters ly iour- After crossing the bar, ing oil on them. on which there was u pretty heavy sea i nuuing,aboiit a trallou of oil was thrown ont. The effect instantaneous, ami consider J very satisfactory, lhe bout vas afterwards i ml ltd round by a bank on which a heavy sea was dashing, ami another quantity ol oil being discharged a like effect was produced. Other ex periuieuts were ui:Ue farther out, in every case the waves beiug puioothed down round the bout. The fishermen expressed themselves highly pleased with the success of the experiments and have agreed that oil should be carried in their boats when going to sea. Outside the north harbor at Peterhead, an ap paratus has been laid down for throwing oil on troubled waters, thereby, it is hoped, making the entrance to the har bor safe in all weathers.. The apparatus will be put to the test on the receipt of a warning from tho meteorological depart ment of a storm or full pale from the uorth or north-east, lint there, is noth ing new under the sun. The-Universal Magazine of a hundred and tw-enty years ago contains an account of the effect of precisely similar experiments with oil on stormy waters. Indeed, the stilling of waves by means of oil is mentioned by Pliny. In the "Philosophical Transactions," printed in the Universal Magazine for January, 1775, is a curious letter from Dr. Frank lin, in which he says: "In 1757, being at sea in a fleet o ninety-six sail, bound against Louisburg, Iobsered the wakes of two of the ships to be remarkably smooth, while all the others were ruffled by the wind, which blew fresh. Being puzzled with the different appearance, I at last pointed it out to our captain, and asked him the meaning of it 'The cooks.' says he, 'have, I suppose, been just emptying their greasy water through the scuppers, which has greased the sides of thoso ships a little;' and this answer he gave me with an air of some little contempt, as to a person ignorant of what everybody else knew. In my own mind I at first slight ed his solution, though I was not able to think of another.. But, recollecting what I had formerly read in Pliny, I resolved to make some experiment of the effect of oil on water when I should have opportunity. Being again at sea in 1702, an old sea captain told me he had heard it was a practice with the fishermen of Lisbon when about to return into the river (if they saw before tliem too great a surf upon the bar, which they appre hended might fill their boats in passing) to empty a bottle or two of oil into the sea, which would suppress the breakers, and allow them to pass safely. All these informations I at times revolved in my mind, and wondered to find no mention of them in our books of experimental philosophy." These circumstances are related in the now scarce magazine re ferred to, and have not yet, to the writ er's knowledge, been mentioned in con nection with the recently revived use of Oil. i The much-desired chance presented itself to Dr. Franklin in no less a place than the classic region of Clapham. There was probably is yet- on the com mon there a large pond, which one day being "rough with wind," the worthy doctor marched off and fetched a cruet oil, a little of which he dropped on the water. The soothing unction spread itself with "surprising swiftness" upon i the surface. Though not more than a teaspoonful, it produced an instant calm orer a space several yards square, which spread amazingly, and extended itself gradually till it reached the lee side, making all that quarter of the pond, per haps half an acre, as smooth as a look-inff-elass. After this the delightful doctor took with him whenever ho went into the country a little oil in the upper hol low joint of his bamboo cane, with which he repeated the experiment as opportu nity offered, and found it always to suc ceed. In these trials, one circumstance, probably unnoted by recent Scottish ex perimentalists, struck Dr. Franklin with particular surprise. This was the sud den, wide and forcible spreading of a drop of oil ou the face of the water. If a drop of oil is put on a polished marble table, or on a looking glass that lies horizontally, the drop remains in its place; spreading very little. But, when pat on water, ic spreads instantly many feet round becom ing so thin as to produce the prismatic colours for a considerable space; and be yond them so much thinner as to be in Visible, except in its effect of smoothing the waves at a much greater distance. It seems as if a mutual repulsion between its particles took place as soon as it touched the water; a repulsion so strong as to act on other bodies swimming on the surface, as straws, leaves, ehips.etc, forcing them to recede everyway from the drop, as from a center, leaving a larcre clear space. The quantity of this fprce, the distance to which it will ooerate. and its cause, would form the Rnhieet of curious inquiry by some of pur scientific readers. Tue Staks and Stripes. It was re nolved on June 14. 1777 by the American Congress, that the United States flag should have thirteen stripes, alternately red and white, which represented tho thirteen original States of the Union, together with thirteen white stars on a blue ground. General Washington's escutcheon contained three bars and three stars, and like the American stars these of the General had only five points instead of six. A star is now added for Bverv new State, but the stripes remain The Competent Customer. "Is the gentleman who knows every thing in?" stammered a vision of golden hair and sea-blue eyes, as she stood tim idly beside the managing editor's desk one afternoon. "Everything about what?" asked the editor, claw ing around under his desk for his shoes and trying to hide his stocking feet under him. "Upon which particular branch do you seek for infor mal ion?" "I don't exactly know ,what to do," pouted the strawberry lips. "Pa says I can only have one drss this spring, and I don't know how to make it up. I thought the gentleman who answers questions could tell me." "H'ui!" muttered the managing editor, "lie has gone up in Maine to find out why cheese always walk in single file. An 'Anxiour Inquirer' wants to know. What bind of a dress had you thought of getting?" "That's what I want to know. I want something that will look well with terra cotta gloves." "Yes, yes," murmured the editor. "Then you should get one of these green things with beads that turn all kinds of colors, and some fringe and fix ings of that kind." "Would you have it cut princess or ' wear it with a polonaise?" she inquired, "looking at him searchingly. "You yon might have it princess I around the neck and a row of polonaises at the bottom," suggested- the editor. "That's going to be very fashionableand a couple of hip-pockets would set it off royally." "I don't know,"murmnred the beauty. "I haven't seen any of that style. Do you know whether panniers are worn bouffant this season, or whether the skirt is tight?" "Oh, certainly!" replied the editor. "They are made with all the bouffants you can get on 'oni. Some have even sixteen button bouffants, and there was a laMy in here yesterday who had a pannier that came clean tip to her neck. I should have it pretty bouffant if it was my dress." "Well," stammered tho blushing blos som, "would von box-plait the skirt or shirr it?" "Shirr it, by ail means!" exclaimed the editor. "Shirr it straight up and down, and fasten it with these loops of black tape."- JJ . "You mean frogs?" asked the beauty. "No. no. These big loops that slip over two buttons. That sets off the shirrs and gives a sort of tout to the en semble," and the editor leaned back and smiled superior. "Don't you think revers of a lighter shade would look pretty?" she inquired. "They'll do to fix up the back, but I Tprml.1n?t rmt them on the front." an swered the editor sagely. Revers are very well to trim a hat with, but they don't set off a dress front." "How would you have tho corsage? "I wouldn t have any at all. Yon would look much better without one. "Sir!" she exclaimed, rising. "Oh, if you insist, you might have a small one, certainly not over three inches long, for short dresses are the style now." . "You you don't seem to understand " she commenced. "Oh, dontlT'he retorted. -""That's what I'm here for. I think there is noth ing so lamentable as to see a young lady dragging her corsage through the mud, and dust. Still, if you want one, you should have it so you can take it off when you go ou the street, and only wear it at home. They are hard to handle, and not one woman in a hundred can kick her corsage gracefully." "I I am very mxich obliged to you," she murmured. "You are very good, I'm sure. "Don't mention it," replied the editor, politely, "I think when you get it shirred and revered and polonaised and princessed, you'll like it very mtich. You might get a sash and some big but tons to put on behind, or if you'd like an other stvle better von might trim the whole front with bouffants anil wear the nanier for a hat." "Oh, thank you, sir, exciaimeu me blushiner bud as she scuttled down the stairs. (j "Swipes." roared the managing editor, with a comnlacent smile and a glance of approval at himself in the glass,"Swipes you may tell the foreman to send me a uroof ot the Jb asuion isotes as soon as tl.ev come in. I have observed tnaia rr l'.-. . f Tnun orrn Y-i have crept in lately tfhy 3Hn BrcaK Down. There is a great deal of talk nowadays about the tendency of Americans to break down from overwork. Much of this talk is nonsense; and some of the nonsense comes fiom the medical pro fession, the source from which you have the best right to expect only sense on so important a matter. A writer in the Popular Science Monthly contributes a refreshing contribution to this much mis understood question. He maintains the general thesis that work is! healthy, and that no amount of physical or brain labor can injure a man who is sound in body and mind, provided the work be dope in a healthy way. The working of the human body is not unlike the work ing of a steam engine. Only a certain amount of power can be got out of the engine by legitimate means, and that amount can be used with perfect safety. It is only when the safety-valve is loaded bevond the safe point of pressure, or when the steam gets su perheated, that there is danger of an explosion. The normal work of body and mind cannot be increased beyond a certain point. When that point is reached, the system becomes so exhaust ed that rest must be taRen: and this is I natute's safety-valve. To keep up the i got in the normal way, is .to fasten down. the safety-valve, and an explosion is very likely to follow. This is the real secret of a iarge ;art of the breakdowns that are attributed to overwork. A very vouug man or a very oil man may kill himself by hard work; but a man m prime of life, with no organic of in provided On the disease, is in juring himself ho works in a no danger by work, normal way. eontrary.he will thrive under hard work. Not only is brain , work as healthy as physical labor, when it is done under proper conditions, but vital statistics prove beyond question that it is specially conducive to longevity. Any life-insurance agent will show tables that prove Iirnin.worlrpr t,r b the loncrest-lived Irian ill M,uat riciro" tnr thnir fnmTiftnies.And as a rule, the hardest brain-workers are the longest-lived. I In the world of let ters, it is the Voltaires and Defoes - men who labor so assiduously that the cata logue of their works contains an almost impossible number of titles who have lived out their three score and ten years and more. Statesmen like Glad l UV J U A. W A f-va '"-r 1 stone and Beaconsfleld, in spite enormous labors shall of their we not say, because of them? live closo up to or beyond their ninetieth year. But the fact must be especially insisted on that brain work must be normal. It must be spasmodically severe; it must not be done in ruts; it must not be done by means of stimulants of any sort, even the most innocent; it must not be ac companied by disregard of the ordinary laws of health. But if a man will work regularly and calmly, if he will take care to secure a generous portion of sleep every night, and take exercise enough by day to keep his pulse even and his digestion ( good, he may work as he pleases, and be all the bett r for it. Brain workers break down every day and die, but not of overwork. Ttey die of stimulation or dissipation, or some other cause with which their brain labor had no necessary connection. Dust on Tour (Masses. I don't often put on my glasses to ex amine Katy's work; but one morning, not long since, I did so upon entering a room she had oeen sweeping. , "Did you forget to open the windows when you swept, Katy?" I inquired; "tfeis room is very dusty." "I think there I is dust oa your eye glasses, mamma, "ishe said modestly. . And sure enough, the eye-glasses were at fault, and not Katy. I rubbed them off, and everything looked bright and clean, the carpet like new, and Katy's face said, "I am glad it was the glasses, and not me this time." I That taught me a good lesson, I said to myself, upon leaving the room, and one 1 shall rememoer turougu mo. In the evening Katy came to me with iome kitchen trouble. The cook had lone so-and-so, and she had said so- and so. When her story was finished, I said, smilingly, j "There is dnst on vour glasses, Katy, rub them off, and you will see better." She understood ;mo and left the room. I toid the incident to the children, and it is quite common to hear them say to each other. i "Oh, there is dust oa your glasses. Sometimes I aui referred to. "Mamma, Harry has dust on his glasses; can't he rub it off?" When I hear a person criticising an other, condemning, perhaps, a course of ig, perhaps, a course oi i action he Knows notuiug aoout, drawing inferences prejudicial to the person or . persons, I think, V I here s dust on your glasses; rub it off.; The truth is, every bodv wear these very same glasses. I said to John one day, some little matter coming up that called forth the remark. I "There are some people I wish would begin to rub, then." said he. "There is Mr. So-and So, and Mrs. So-and-So, they are always ready! to pick at some one, to slur, to "hint: I don't know. I don't like them." I "I think my son John has a wee bit on his glasses just now. He laughed and asked, "What is a bov to do?" "Keep vour own well rubbed up, and you will not know whether others need it not." I "I will," he replied. I think, as a family, wo are all profit- ing uy that Jittie inciueni, ana xurougu life will never forgot the meaning of "There is dust on your glasses.' Ilealtlifulness of "116. If anv one wishes to crow fleshy, a pint of "milk taken on retiring at night will soon cover the scrawniest bones. Although we see ! a good many fleshy persons now-a-days there are a great manv lean and lank ones, who sigh for the fashionable measure of plumpness, and who would be vastly improved in health and appearance could their forms be rounded with good solid nesn. otu- ins is more coveted bv a thin woman than a full figure, and nothing will so soon raise the ire and provoke the scandal of the "oliuner-build" as the consciousness of plumpness in a rival. In case of fever and summer complaint, milk is now criven with excellent results. The idea that milk is feverish is explod ed, and it is now; the physician's great rtdiance in bringing through the typhoid patients, or those in too low a condition to be nourished by solid food. It is a mistake to scrimp the milk pitcher. Take mnrfl niilk and bnv less meat. Look to vonr milkmen: have larce-sized. well' tilled milk-pitchers on the table at each meal, and von will have sound flesh and system by stimulants, and so get more f bodv or brain than .can be T W save doctor's bills. Female Suffrage and Kale Buffering. When the peddler rang Mr. Bird's door-bell the other day, Mr. Bird opened the door. Mr. Bird had the baby upon his arm, and there were four other chil dren at his heels. "Is the lady of the house in?" asked the peddler. "Certainly she isn't," replied Bird. "She is perennially and eternally out!' "Where can I see her." "Why go down to the Woman Suffrage Clubroom; and if she isn't there, go to the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Anims; and if she isn't there, visit the hall of the Association for Alle viating the Miseries of the Senegam bians; and if she has finished up there, look for her at the Church Aid Society, or at the Soup Kitchen, or the Home of the Kefuge lor Hospital for the Infirm Dogs, or at the w - Asthmatic, or at the St. Polycarp Or phan Asylum, or at some of these places. If you get on her track, you 11 see more . . . -i t i paupers, ana stroug-minuea women, turn underclothing for tho heathen, than you ever saw in the whole course of your life." "I wanted to sell her a cool-handled flatiron jnst now. Do you think she will buy one?" "She will if you can prove tnat tne naked canibals in Seneganibp are yearn ing for cold-handled tiatirons. She would buy diamond breastpins for them if they wanted them, I believe." "I intended also to offer her a new kind of immovable hairpin which " "All light. You lust go down to the Home for the One-Legged, and persuade those cripples to cry for immovable hairpins and she'll order 'era by the ton." "Has she any chiMren.' "Well I'm the one that appears to be having 'em just now, anyhow." "Because l nave an inaia ruDoer tic for a feeding bottle that is the nicest thing you ever saw." "Now," said Mr. Bird, "i ll ten you what to do. You get these paupers to swear that they can't eat-the soup they get at the soup-house with spoons; they must have it from bottles with a rubber muzzle, and Mrs. Bird will keep you so busy supplying the demaud that you won't have a chance to sleep. You just try it. Buy up the paupers! Bribe 'em." "How 11 1 know her it l see her.' "Why she's jx very large woman with a bent nose and she talks all the time. You'll hear her talking as you get within a mile of her. She'll ask you to sub scribe to the Senegambian Fund, and to the Asthmatic Asylum, before you can pet you your breath. Probably she'll read you three or four letters from reformed cannibais. But don t you mind 'em. My opinion is that she wrote them herself." And with baby singing a vociferous solo and the other children clinging to to his leg, Mr. Bird retreated and shut the door. The peddler had determined to propose to a girl that night. He changed his mind and resolved to re main a bachelor. The Lime Kiln Club. "When I shake hands wid a stranger," ail Brother Gardner, as silence fell upon the members, "I doan keer two cents wheder his great-gran' fadder was a Cabinet officer or a cobbler; wheder his own gran fader sold -silks or kaliker; wheder his was a cooper or a statesman. De man I have to deal wid am de man befo' me, an' not de dust an' bones an' coffins of his. predecessors. He may size up well, or he may run to remnants; ne mnv ImRnnar'or he may be a bilk; he . . . iiavA riaht r"' u;. DiMAi , fnr a to i iui r liii iiia niDij c uuv ,i nnt " uuvi . . I r ,inan' nrnnnso to line hands wid a stranger bekaso his gran'fader cum ober wid de Pilgrims. Neither shall I lend firA dollars to one o my coior on ue " - o , . 1 crrnnnd dat hia uncle weighed a ton an shoot hands wia turee uiuweui xicoi dents. What a man he am, an' weder . - i 1 1 1 i : . i. T.rto.i his fader was a poet or a blacksmith, wrm'f mivTro him better or wuss. Size up your man on his own personal shape It doan' matter to you wnat son ui head his fader had, or now Dig nis uncle's feet war', he am de man you am tnin bizness wid. De pusson who trab bpls from dis kentry on nothing but de record made by some relative halt a cen tnrv Rince will land in iail as soon as in irood society, -wnen jl nave auj Fuij " - . nri - 1 1 tobacker to spare, de man whos fader .nin'f An anvthini? but mind his own biziness an' purvide fur his family will soon as de get it quite as man whos fader discovered a nnmet or predicted an airthnuake. I " - a wanteach and ebery member of dis club to stan on his own shape. It he am iast nnlora dat's all we want to know. If he crocks or fades in de washin'he must stpn down and out. De fack dat Samuel Shin fader was 'lected to the South Carolina Legislatur' does not prove that Qamnel lWssplf knows beans from boss hamq Likewise de fack dat Giveadam Tnnna hart an uncle hung forstealin' co'n VWUWW ,,..1 doan' go to prove dat it wouldn t be saie JJ 1VW .ww- w Unva rmr iirnrifier in a erocer sio uu half an hour while the clerk went our ar- fo- antra When a man boasts dat one of de family signed de Declarashun of TrwiariAndpnfie. doan vou take his note without a good indorser. People who lay back on nothing but fciory ou ae dead or de statesmanship of some one rtaaf. in; Couarress a nunarea years ago am jist as apt to work off a bogus dollar on a sore-eyed railroad conductor as de man whose geological tree has a baker hangin' to ebery limb." Detroit Free Press. An Indian woman applied for a di vorce because her husband killed a mad dog which was about to bite a good looking school ma'am, f Detroit Free Press. ' Wall Street . .-II and Its Old nalcs.. I ime Mag The present race of Wall street mag nates is entirely new. They have come on the stage since my own experience began, for I can remember their prede cesBors. The Wall street men of my boyf hood were Jacob Little, whose name was I A A 1 L synonymous witn nnanciai strengm; Nathaniel Prime, , founder of Prime Ward & King, and others of the olden stamp; Jacob Barker had just exchanged ii r i Li.... 4.1. mo nnanciai circles oi iuis vuy iui muao of New Orleans, and John Jacob AstorJ though infirm, was still occasionally no ticed in some of the gatherings of heavy. capitalists. His last appearance in the scenes of concentrated wealth was (if I remember right) in 1844, when he came down in a carriage' very feeble. He lived however, four years longer, and died in 1848, aged 80. Astor is now re membered a3a thick-set man of medium hight, but not so tall as his son William. He was sharp for money until the very last. Jacob Little was. the king of the stock board at that time, and no one could stand in his way. He was a bold operator, but failed in a shocking man ner. He afterward re-established him self, but failed again, and died a poverty; stricken and disappointed man. About! the time that Little ceased to be known in business circles, Commodore Vander- bilt's star began to ascend, and his fam ily has continued the successful course ever since. The Commodore, however, was not a speculator so much as a con queror. Great contrasts are snown in iamnies. The Commodore was a Wall street man, and, for many years, hardly a day passed without mingling with its crowds; but his son William is seldom seen here. He lives three miles up town, and being of a quiet turn, he cares little for his fath er s old battle ground, donn jacoo as tor was once a regular Wall street man, but his son has been of a different turn, and hardly ever appeared among its crowds. Robert Lenox also was a Wall street man, but his son James, although a stockholder in banks and owning prop erty which might bring him there, studi ously kept away. Thus we see how" fam ilies change in their habits. Y'ou will find a few firms here, in which the sons follow their fathers. One of these is James G. King & Sons, while in the great house of Brown Bros. & Co., a son-in-law, Howard Potter, represents the second generation. Men of genius or business talent seldom bequeathe their powers to their children. Wall street is continually exhibiting new firms, and thus fresh competitors for wealth stead ily appear. I have seen one generation pass and another come, but the latter is made up entirely of new names. ine spirit of the place, however, is little changed, except to be increased in in tensity and greed. Men are insatiaDie t it . as ever, and no one can expect me ra;o to improve in this feature, at least, un der present influences. N. Y Corr. Trov Times. Eating a Boat's Cmr. A shocking case of massacre and canni balism is reported by advices just re ceived in .Liverpool. The information was received from the Fiji islands, and came via rtydney. xue circumstances, as related, are of the most horrifying character. The victims were the crew of a boat from tho labor g vessel Isabel. It appears that the Isabel was on a cruise in search ot laborers, ami one oy tne islands touched at was Santo Island. The Isabel lay off the land, and a boat was sent off to the shore to open negoti- ;o fnrmit.-n.fwm kmon. While the t.h treach- irr" uLiai luud . v w . Pi-mis islanders made an attacK on iaie lmnt.'s firew. The men were assailed in so sudden a manner that they were un jiblo to offer very much resistance. Out of the whole crew but two got away, and these had narrow escapes.whilst one had two wounds in his head inflicted by tom ahawks. It was evident the attack Had been arranged previous to the landing of thft unfortunate men. as all of the na tives joined in the affray simultaneously. Thov were armed with muskets and tom- sihawks. At tlie moment japt.xxawa.iua ui .... . i it i.i e the Isabel, could not do anything, but snmA tima afterwards a search party was sent from the schooner.and pushed their way to a village. The sight which here. met their eyes was shocking to behold Th villafrfi was deserted, the natives leaving behind them a hand.a thigh,por- tions of a chest, a heart and liver, with ont donbt the remains of the former comrades of the search party. The na tive had evidently been surpneed whilst preparing to make their last meal on the unfortunate men of the Isabel, as all the remains found had been cleaned an scraped and ready for cooking. All th human remains were collected an buried. There was not the slightes doubt in the minds of the searchers tha the remainder of the bodies had beeb eaten by the Santo Island natives, who are known to be cannibals. Captain Hawkins received the full particulars of the attack from the two who escaped, and who , positively affirmed that not the slightest provocation was given to the is- landers to commit the outrage. . Anronos of the announcement tha tons ties are again coming into vogue, this conundrum, with its answer, presents it self: In what respect does a bustle differ from a rich man about to become bank rupt? The one is better off before and the other better off behind. There is one satisfaction in the minds of the officers of the corps, and that is that Howgate is foreign born and an ap pointee from civil life. I Pitts. Com. Tf ha had onlv been native born and lived in Newark how differ ently he would have done. IIUH0B0US. Some women, who do fancy work don't fancy work. If the doctor orders bark, has not the patient a right to growl? Always ready to take a hand in conver sation deaf and dumb people. Every dog has his day, but some dogs have to wait a long time for it to get around. i Some property in Louisville, assessed at $50,000, figures in the assignment for over $1,000,000. Oleomargerine, despite its high-sound ing name, is butter iraCTTuer-.au.-f--' (Boston Commercial Bulletin. The latest way to make fun of a fel low's big feet is to tell him he is taller lying down than he is standing up. "That's what beats me," as the boy said when he saw his father take the skate strap down from its accustomed nail. Thirty years is said to be the life of a locomotive. I Possibly they would live longer if they did not smoke quite so much. All Indian remedies for bringing out new hair will be regarded with distrust by a man who has been once scalped. Picayune. According to an arithmetical exchange the proportion this year is about four iars to one trout. I New York Commer cial Advertiser. When a lightning rod agent mysteri ously disappears in Michigan the matter is never investigated; people are satisfied o have him gone. It was Sidney Smith who retorted up-. i i ii ii? on some one who naa caiiea mm an e very-day man: "Well, if I am an every day man, you are a weak one. There is a girl in Plymouth county who has had eighteen different lovers, and not one ! of them ever got his arm around her. She weighs 384 pounds. Pathetic: The most poetical thing in real life that we ever gazed upon was a veteran of the late war weeping over the grave of a sutler to whom he owed $150. "The Unseen Hand" is the title of a i i 1 1. new dook. .rroDaoiy-' tne oiner mu didn't have anything better than a pair of trays, and didn't dare to call. -Bos ton Post. i . Why do elderly spinsters have a pre dilection for parrots? Well, they have no man about the house, and they want something around that can swear. Boston Post; "I stoled your money," wrote a thief to his employer. "Remorse nawa my conscience, and I send some of it back. When remorse naws agin 1 will sena some more. "Woman," says Mrs. Eastman, "is a problem." So she is; and though a,, problem we can never hope to solve, it is one we shall never, never be willing to give up. "Is this a safe investment?" asked Brown. "Safe investment?" exclaimed the broker, "I never knew anybody who put his money into it to take it out again." fBoston Transcript. A Western young man, aged 18, has eloped with a married woman of three score years. This esthetic craze for an tiquities is becoming altogether too gen eral, and threatens to cause trouble. "Yes, I've I got a horrid cold," said Mrs. Jenkinson. "I ve dosed and dosed, and I believe I've taken no less than thirty-nine articles, and I begin to feel like an Episcopal. fBoston Transcript. "Mv dear son.'.' exclaimed old Mrs. Jenkins last evening, mJ "I wouldn t go out without something on your overcoat or jacket, or vou'll ketch over me. Pnt your your cardamon death of uujuuia. i In an editor's room in Fleet street, Londo i, a skull is nailed up against one of the desks. Underneath is written in large letters: "This is Smith, who did not like an article about himself and was rash enough to say so." A negro witness at Pittsburg testified that he did not board with Mrs. Rey nolds, but that he "batohed" with her. Pressed to explain, he said: "1 buys de wittles, Mrs. Reynolds cooks 'em, and dey calls that 'batching.' " "Yes," said a fresh arrival from Bo die, tho other day, "the gal I married upon the lode, last month, is" a perfect lady a perfect lady, sir. I don't sup pose I've heare bar swear real hard more'n twice this spring!" , Brown pointed his gun at a partridge; the cap snapped and the bird flew off. "Just mv confounded luck" exclaimed Brown; "miss lire every , time.", "Have patience, counseled irogg; "you may have better luck in the next world." That New Yorker who has not closed hia eyes in sleep for .the last thirteen years has determimed to hire out on a farm this summer. Inside of two weeks his employer will have to haul him out bed by the feet to get his eyes open. The betting on the number of the hymn, as put on the new chapel black board, is a favorite diversion with men in the back seats. The last one was above par, 123. We are waiting for a ticket to be puc in. This is true pro gress, i General Abe Buford is lecturing to the Kentnckians to prove that there are horses in heaven. When he settles that point he will only have to prove one thing more; in heaven to convert the State en masse. What do you suppose that is? j A Sunday school teacher asked: "What bird is large enough to carry off a man?" Nobody knew; but one little, girl sug gested "a lark." And then she explained: "Mamma said papa wouldn't be home until Monday, because he bad gone off on a larK. the same.