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ST. HELENS, COLUMBIA COUNTY, OREGON, JUNE 30, 1882.
NO. 47.
AOL. II
COLUMBIA
)
0:1 cn Tio: !j1 Wabrrs.
At Montrose, one day'recontlyyin lionr
before high-water, a number of the crew
of the lifeboat went out to try the ex
p:-r
tent of stilling the waters ly iour-
After crossing the bar,
ing
oil on them.
on which there
was u pretty heavy sea
i nuuing,aboiit a
trallou of oil was thrown
ont. The effect
instantaneous, ami
consider J very satisfactory, lhe bout
vas afterwards i ml ltd round by a bank
on which a heavy sea was dashing, ami
another quantity ol oil being discharged
a like effect was produced. Other ex
periuieuts were ui:Ue farther out, in
every case the waves beiug puioothed
down round the bout. The fishermen
expressed themselves highly pleased
with the success of the experiments and
have agreed that oil should be carried in
their boats when going to sea. Outside
the north harbor at Peterhead, an ap
paratus has been laid down for throwing
oil on troubled waters, thereby, it is
hoped, making the entrance to the har
bor safe in all weathers.. The apparatus
will be put to the test on the receipt of a
warning from tho meteorological depart
ment of a storm or full pale from the
uorth or north-east, lint there, is noth
ing new under the sun. The-Universal
Magazine of a hundred and tw-enty years
ago contains an account of the effect of
precisely similar experiments with oil on
stormy waters.
Indeed, the stilling of waves by means
of oil is mentioned by Pliny. In the
"Philosophical Transactions," printed in
the Universal Magazine for January,
1775, is a curious letter from Dr. Frank
lin, in which he says: "In 1757, being at
sea in a fleet o ninety-six sail, bound
against Louisburg, Iobsered the wakes
of two of the ships to be remarkably
smooth, while all the others were ruffled
by the wind, which blew fresh. Being
puzzled with the different appearance, I
at last pointed it out to our captain, and
asked him the meaning of it 'The
cooks.' says he, 'have, I suppose, been
just emptying their greasy water through
the scuppers, which has greased the
sides of thoso ships a little;' and this
answer he gave me with an air
of some little contempt, as to a
person ignorant of what everybody else
knew. In my own mind I at first slight
ed his solution, though I was not able
to think of another.. But, recollecting
what I had formerly read in Pliny, I
resolved to make some experiment of the
effect of oil on water when I should have
opportunity. Being again at sea in 1702,
an old sea captain told me he had heard
it was a practice with the fishermen
of Lisbon when about to return into the
river (if they saw before tliem too great
a surf upon the bar, which they appre
hended might fill their boats in passing)
to empty a bottle or two of oil into the
sea, which would suppress the breakers,
and allow them to pass safely. All these
informations I at times revolved in my
mind, and wondered to find no mention
of them in our books of experimental
philosophy." These circumstances are
related in the now scarce magazine re
ferred to, and have not yet, to the writ
er's knowledge, been mentioned in con
nection with the recently revived use of
Oil. i
The much-desired chance presented
itself to Dr. Franklin in no less a place
than the classic region of Clapham.
There was probably is yet- on the com
mon there a large pond, which one day
being "rough with wind," the worthy
doctor marched off and fetched a cruet
oil, a little of which he dropped on
the water. The soothing unction spread
itself with "surprising swiftness" upon
i the surface. Though not more than a
teaspoonful, it produced an instant calm
orer a space several yards square, which
spread amazingly, and extended itself
gradually till it reached the lee side,
making all that quarter of the pond, per
haps half an acre, as smooth as a look-inff-elass.
After this the delightful doctor
took with him whenever ho went into
the country a little oil in the upper hol
low joint of his bamboo cane, with which
he repeated the experiment as opportu
nity offered, and found it always to suc
ceed. In these trials, one circumstance,
probably unnoted by recent Scottish ex
perimentalists, struck Dr. Franklin with
particular surprise. This was the sud
den, wide and forcible spreading of a
drop of oil ou the face of the water. If a
drop of oil is put on a polished marble
table, or on a looking glass that lies
horizontally, the drop remains in its
place; spreading very little. But,
when pat on water, ic spreads
instantly many feet round becom
ing so thin as to produce the prismatic
colours for a considerable space; and be
yond them so much thinner as to be in
Visible, except in its effect of smoothing
the waves at a much greater distance. It
seems as if a mutual repulsion between
its particles took place as soon as it
touched the water; a repulsion so strong
as to act on other bodies swimming on
the surface, as straws, leaves, ehips.etc,
forcing them to recede everyway from
the drop, as from a center, leaving a
larcre clear space. The quantity of this
fprce, the distance to which it will
ooerate. and its cause, would form the
Rnhieet of curious inquiry by some of
pur scientific readers.
Tue Staks and Stripes. It was re
nolved on June 14. 1777 by the American
Congress, that the United States flag
should have thirteen stripes, alternately
red and white, which represented tho
thirteen original States of the Union,
together with thirteen white stars on a
blue ground. General Washington's
escutcheon contained three bars and
three stars, and like the American stars
these of the General had only five points
instead of six. A star is now added for
Bverv new State, but the stripes remain
The Competent Customer.
"Is the gentleman who knows every
thing in?" stammered a vision of golden
hair and sea-blue eyes, as she stood tim
idly beside the managing editor's desk
one afternoon.
"Everything about what?" asked the
editor, claw ing around under his desk
for his shoes and trying to hide his
stocking feet under him. "Upon which
particular branch do you seek for infor
mal ion?"
"I don't exactly know ,what to do,"
pouted the strawberry lips. "Pa says I
can only have one drss this spring, and
I don't know how to make it up. I
thought the gentleman who answers
questions could tell me."
"H'ui!" muttered the managing editor,
"lie has gone up in Maine to find out
why cheese always walk in single file.
An 'Anxiour Inquirer' wants to know.
What bind of a dress had you thought of
getting?"
"That's what I want to know. I want
something that will look well with terra
cotta gloves."
"Yes, yes," murmured the editor.
"Then you should get one of these
green things with beads that turn all
kinds of colors, and some fringe and fix
ings of that kind."
"Would you have it cut princess or '
wear it with a polonaise?" she inquired,
"looking at him searchingly.
"You yon might have it princess I
around the neck and a row of polonaises
at the bottom," suggested- the editor.
"That's going to be very fashionableand
a couple of hip-pockets would set it off
royally."
"I don't know,"murmnred the beauty.
"I haven't seen any of that style. Do
you know whether panniers are worn
bouffant this season, or whether the skirt
is tight?"
"Oh, certainly!" replied the editor.
"They are made with all the bouffants
you can get on 'oni. Some have even
sixteen button bouffants, and there was a
laMy in here yesterday who had a pannier
that came clean tip to her neck. I
should have it pretty bouffant if it was
my dress."
"Well," stammered tho blushing blos
som, "would von box-plait the skirt or
shirr it?"
"Shirr it, by ail means!" exclaimed
the editor. "Shirr it straight up and
down, and fasten it with these loops of
black tape."- JJ .
"You mean frogs?" asked the beauty.
"No. no. These big loops that slip
over two buttons. That sets off the
shirrs and gives a sort of tout to the en
semble," and the editor leaned back and
smiled superior.
"Don't you think revers of a lighter
shade would look pretty?" she inquired.
"They'll do to fix up the back, but I
Tprml.1n?t rmt them on the front." an
swered the editor sagely. Revers are
very well to trim a hat with, but they
don't set off a dress front."
"How would you have
tho corsage?
"I wouldn t have
any at all. Yon
would look much better without one.
"Sir!" she exclaimed, rising.
"Oh, if you insist, you might have a
small one, certainly not over three
inches long, for short dresses are the
style now." .
"You you don't seem to understand
" she commenced.
"Oh, dontlT'he retorted. -""That's
what I'm here for. I think there is noth
ing so lamentable as to see a young lady
dragging her corsage through the mud,
and dust. Still, if you want one, you
should have it so you can take it off when
you go ou the street, and only wear it at
home. They are hard to handle, and
not one woman in a hundred can kick
her corsage gracefully."
"I I am very mxich obliged to you,"
she murmured. "You are very good,
I'm sure.
"Don't mention it," replied the editor,
politely, "I think when you get it
shirred and revered and polonaised and
princessed, you'll like it very mtich.
You might get a sash and some big but
tons to put on behind, or if you'd like an
other stvle better von might trim the
whole front with bouffants anil wear the
nanier for a hat."
"Oh, thank you, sir, exciaimeu me
blushiner bud as she scuttled down the
stairs.
(j
"Swipes." roared the managing editor,
with a comnlacent smile and a glance of
approval at himself in the glass,"Swipes
you may tell the foreman to send me a
uroof ot the Jb asuion isotes as soon as
tl.ev come in. I have observed tnaia
rr l'.-. . f Tnun orrn Y-i
have crept in lately
tfhy 3Hn BrcaK Down.
There is a great deal of talk nowadays
about the tendency of Americans to
break down from overwork. Much of
this talk is nonsense; and some of the
nonsense comes fiom the medical pro
fession, the source from which you have
the best right to expect only sense on so
important a matter. A writer in the
Popular Science Monthly contributes a
refreshing contribution to this much mis
understood question. He maintains the
general thesis that work is! healthy, and
that no amount of physical or brain
labor can injure a man who is sound in
body and mind, provided the work be
dope in a healthy way. The working of
the human body is not unlike the work
ing of a steam engine. Only a certain
amount of power can be got out of the
engine by legitimate means, and that
amount can be used with perfect safety.
It is only when the safety-valve is
loaded bevond the safe point
of pressure, or when the steam gets su
perheated, that there is danger of an
explosion. The normal work of body
and mind cannot be increased beyond a
certain point. When that point is
reached, the system becomes so exhaust
ed that rest must be taRen: and this is
I natute's safety-valve. To keep up the
i
got in the normal way, is .to fasten down.
the safety-valve, and an explosion is very
likely to follow. This is the real secret
of a iarge ;art of the breakdowns that
are attributed to overwork. A very
vouug man or a very oil man may kill
himself by hard work; but a
man m
prime of life,
with
no
organic
of in
provided On the
disease, is in
juring himself
ho works in a
no
danger
by work,
normal way.
eontrary.he will thrive under hard work.
Not only is brain , work as healthy as
physical labor, when it is done under
proper conditions, but vital statistics
prove beyond question that it is specially
conducive to longevity. Any life-insurance
agent will show tables that prove
Iirnin.worlrpr t,r b the loncrest-lived
Irian ill
M,uat riciro" tnr thnir fnmTiftnies.And
as a rule, the hardest brain-workers are
the longest-lived. I In the world of let
ters, it is the Voltaires and Defoes - men
who labor so assiduously that the cata
logue of their works contains an almost
impossible number of titles who have
lived out their three score and ten years
and more. Statesmen like Glad
l UV J U A. W A f-va '"-r 1
stone and
Beaconsfleld, in spite
enormous labors shall
of their
we not say, because of them? live closo
up to or beyond their ninetieth year.
But the fact must be especially insisted
on that brain work must be normal. It
must be spasmodically severe; it must
not be done in ruts; it must not be done
by means of stimulants of any sort, even
the most innocent; it must not be ac
companied by disregard of the ordinary
laws of health. But if a man will work
regularly and calmly, if he will take
care to secure a generous portion of
sleep every night, and take exercise
enough by day to keep his pulse even
and his digestion ( good, he may work as
he pleases, and be all the bett r for it.
Brain workers break down every day
and die, but not of overwork. Ttey die
of stimulation or dissipation, or some
other cause with which their brain labor
had no necessary connection.
Dust on Tour (Masses.
I don't often put on my glasses to ex
amine Katy's work; but one morning,
not long since, I did so upon entering
a
room she had oeen sweeping. ,
"Did you forget to open the windows
when you swept, Katy?" I inquired;
"tfeis room is very dusty."
"I think there I is dust oa your eye
glasses, mamma, "ishe said modestly. .
And sure enough, the eye-glasses were
at fault, and not Katy. I rubbed them
off, and everything looked bright and
clean, the carpet like new, and Katy's
face said,
"I am glad it was the glasses, and not
me this time." I
That taught me a good lesson, I said
to myself, upon leaving the room, and
one 1 shall rememoer turougu mo.
In the evening Katy came to me with
iome kitchen trouble. The cook had
lone so-and-so, and she had said so-
and so. When her story was finished, I
said, smilingly, j
"There is dnst on vour glasses, Katy,
rub them off, and you will see better."
She understood ;mo and left the room.
I toid the incident to the children, and
it is quite common to hear them say to
each other. i
"Oh, there is dust oa your glasses.
Sometimes I aui referred to.
"Mamma, Harry has dust on his
glasses; can't he rub it off?"
When I hear a person criticising an
other, condemning, perhaps, a course of
ig, perhaps, a course oi i
action he Knows notuiug aoout, drawing
inferences prejudicial to the person or
.
persons, I think, V I here s dust on your
glasses; rub it off.; The truth is, every
bodv wear these very same glasses.
I said to John one day, some little
matter coming up that called forth the
remark. I
"There are some people I wish would
begin to rub, then." said he. "There is
Mr. So-and So, and Mrs. So-and-So, they
are always ready! to pick at some one, to
slur, to "hint: I don't know. I don't like
them." I
"I think my son John has a wee bit on
his glasses just now.
He laughed and asked,
"What is a bov to do?"
"Keep vour own well rubbed up, and
you will not know whether others need it
not." I
"I will," he replied.
I think, as a family, wo are all profit-
ing uy that Jittie inciueni, ana xurougu
life will never forgot the
meaning
of
"There is dust on your glasses.'
Ilealtlifulness of "116.
If anv one wishes to crow fleshy, a
pint of "milk taken on retiring at night
will soon cover the scrawniest bones.
Although we see ! a good many fleshy
persons now-a-days there are a great
manv lean and lank ones, who sigh for
the fashionable measure of plumpness,
and who would be vastly improved in
health and appearance could their forms
be rounded with good solid nesn. otu-
ins is more coveted bv a thin woman
than a full figure, and nothing
will so soon raise the ire and provoke
the scandal of the "oliuner-build" as the
consciousness of plumpness in a rival.
In case of fever and summer complaint,
milk is now criven with excellent results.
The idea that milk is feverish is explod
ed, and it is now; the physician's great
rtdiance in bringing through the typhoid
patients, or those in too low a condition
to be nourished by solid food. It is a
mistake to scrimp the milk pitcher. Take
mnrfl niilk and bnv less meat. Look to
vonr milkmen: have larce-sized. well'
tilled milk-pitchers on the table at each
meal, and von will have sound flesh and
system by stimulants, and so get more
f bodv or brain than .can be
T W
save doctor's bills.
Female Suffrage and Kale Buffering.
When the peddler rang Mr. Bird's
door-bell the other day, Mr. Bird opened
the door. Mr. Bird had the baby upon
his arm, and there were four other chil
dren at his heels.
"Is the lady of the house in?" asked
the peddler.
"Certainly she isn't," replied Bird.
"She is perennially and eternally out!'
"Where can I see her."
"Why go down to the Woman Suffrage
Clubroom; and if she isn't there, go
to the Society for the Prevention of
Cruelty to Anims; and if she isn't there,
visit the hall of the Association for Alle
viating the Miseries of the Senegam
bians; and if she has finished up there,
look for her at the Church Aid Society,
or at the Soup Kitchen, or the Home of
the Kefuge lor
Hospital for the
Infirm Dogs, or at the
w -
Asthmatic, or at the St. Polycarp Or
phan Asylum, or at some of these places.
If you get on her track, you 11 see more
. . . -i t i
paupers, ana stroug-minuea women, turn
underclothing for tho heathen, than you
ever saw in the whole course of your
life."
"I wanted to sell her a cool-handled
flatiron jnst now. Do you think she
will buy one?"
"She will if you can prove tnat tne
naked canibals in Seneganibp are yearn
ing for cold-handled tiatirons. She
would buy diamond breastpins for them
if they wanted them, I believe."
"I intended also to offer her a new
kind of immovable hairpin which "
"All light. You lust go down to the
Home for the One-Legged, and persuade
those cripples to cry for immovable
hairpins and she'll order 'era by the ton."
"Has she any chiMren.'
"Well I'm the one that appears to be
having 'em just now, anyhow."
"Because l nave an inaia ruDoer tic
for a feeding bottle that is the nicest
thing you ever saw."
"Now," said Mr. Bird, "i ll ten you
what to do. You get these paupers to
swear that they can't eat-the soup they
get at the soup-house with spoons; they
must have it from bottles with a rubber
muzzle, and Mrs. Bird will keep you so
busy supplying the demaud that you
won't have a chance to sleep. You just
try it. Buy up the paupers! Bribe 'em."
"How 11 1 know her it l see her.'
"Why she's jx very large woman with a
bent nose and she talks all the time.
You'll hear her talking as you get within
a mile of her. She'll ask you to sub
scribe to the Senegambian Fund, and to
the Asthmatic Asylum, before you can
pet you your breath. Probably
she'll read you three or four letters from
reformed cannibais. But don t you
mind 'em. My opinion is that she wrote
them herself."
And with baby singing a vociferous
solo and the other children clinging to
to his leg, Mr. Bird retreated and shut
the door. The peddler had determined
to propose to a girl that night. He
changed his mind and resolved to re
main a bachelor.
The Lime Kiln Club.
"When I shake hands wid a stranger,"
ail Brother Gardner, as silence fell
upon the members,
"I doan keer two
cents wheder his great-gran' fadder was
a Cabinet officer or a cobbler; wheder
his own gran fader sold -silks or kaliker;
wheder his was a cooper or a statesman.
De man I have to deal wid am de man
befo' me, an' not de dust an' bones an'
coffins of his. predecessors. He may size
up well, or he may run to remnants; ne
mnv ImRnnar'or he may be a bilk; he
. . . iiavA riaht
r"' u;. DiMAi , fnr a to
i iui r liii iiia niDij c uuv
,i nnt "
uuvi . . I
r ,inan' nrnnnso to line hands wid a
stranger bekaso his gran'fader cum ober
wid de Pilgrims. Neither shall I lend
firA dollars to one o my coior on ue
" - o , . 1
crrnnnd dat hia uncle weighed a ton an
shoot hands wia turee uiuweui xicoi
dents. What a man he am, an' weder
. - i 1 1 1 i : . i. T.rto.i
his fader was a poet or a blacksmith,
wrm'f mivTro him better or wuss. Size
up your man on his own personal shape
It doan' matter to you wnat son ui
head his fader had, or now Dig nis
uncle's feet war', he am de man you am
tnin bizness wid. De pusson who trab
bpls from dis kentry on nothing but de
record made by some relative halt a cen
tnrv Rince will land in iail as soon as in
irood society, -wnen jl nave auj Fuij
" - . nri - 1 1
tobacker to spare, de man whos fader
.nin'f An anvthini? but mind his own
biziness an' purvide fur
his family will
soon as de
get it quite as
man whos fader
discovered a
nnmet or predicted an
airthnuake. I
" - a
wanteach and ebery member of dis club
to stan on his own shape. It he am iast
nnlora dat's all we want to know. If he
crocks or fades in de washin'he must
stpn down and out. De fack dat Samuel
Shin fader was 'lected to the South
Carolina Legislatur' does not prove that
Qamnel lWssplf knows beans from boss
hamq Likewise de fack dat Giveadam
Tnnna hart an uncle hung forstealin' co'n
VWUWW ,,..1
doan' go to prove dat it wouldn t be saie
JJ 1VW .ww- w
Unva rmr iirnrifier in a erocer sio uu
half an hour while the clerk went our ar-
fo- antra When a man boasts dat one
of de family signed de Declarashun of
TrwiariAndpnfie. doan vou take his note
without a good indorser. People who
lay back on nothing but fciory ou ae
dead or de statesmanship of some one
rtaaf. in; Couarress a nunarea years
ago am jist as apt to work off a bogus
dollar on a sore-eyed railroad conductor
as de man whose geological tree has a
baker hangin' to ebery limb." Detroit
Free Press.
An Indian woman applied for a di
vorce because her husband killed a mad
dog which was about to bite a good
looking school ma'am, f Detroit Free
Press.
' Wall Street
. .-II
and Its Old
nalcs..
I ime Mag
The present race of Wall street mag
nates is entirely new. They have come
on the stage since my own experience
began, for I can remember their prede
cesBors. The Wall street men of my boyf
hood were Jacob Little, whose name was
I A A 1 L
synonymous witn nnanciai strengm;
Nathaniel Prime, , founder of Prime
Ward & King, and others of the olden
stamp; Jacob Barker had just exchanged
ii r i Li.... 4.1.
mo nnanciai circles oi iuis vuy iui muao
of New Orleans, and John Jacob AstorJ
though infirm, was still occasionally no
ticed in some of the gatherings of heavy.
capitalists. His last appearance in the
scenes of concentrated wealth was (if I
remember right) in 1844, when he came
down in a carriage' very feeble. He
lived however, four years longer, and
died in 1848, aged 80. Astor is now re
membered a3a thick-set man of medium
hight, but not so tall as his son William.
He was sharp for money until the very
last. Jacob Little was. the king of the
stock board at that time, and no one
could stand in his way. He was a bold
operator, but failed in a shocking man
ner. He afterward re-established him
self, but failed again, and died a poverty;
stricken and disappointed man. About!
the time that Little ceased to be known
in business circles, Commodore Vander-
bilt's star began to ascend, and his fam
ily has continued the successful course
ever since. The Commodore, however,
was not a speculator so much as a con
queror. Great contrasts are snown in iamnies.
The Commodore was a Wall street man,
and, for many years, hardly a day passed
without mingling with its crowds; but
his son William is seldom seen here. He
lives three miles up town, and being of
a quiet turn, he cares little for his fath
er s old battle ground, donn jacoo as
tor was once a regular Wall street man,
but his son has been of a different turn,
and hardly ever appeared among its
crowds. Robert Lenox also was a Wall
street man, but his son James, although
a stockholder in banks and owning prop
erty which might bring him there, studi
ously kept away. Thus we see how" fam
ilies change in their habits. Y'ou will
find a few firms here, in which the
sons follow their fathers. One of these is
James G. King & Sons, while in the
great house of Brown Bros. & Co., a son-in-law,
Howard Potter, represents the
second generation. Men of genius or
business talent seldom bequeathe their
powers to their children. Wall street
is continually exhibiting new firms, and
thus fresh competitors for wealth stead
ily appear. I have seen one generation
pass and another come, but the latter is
made up entirely of new names. ine
spirit of the place, however, is little
changed, except to be increased in in
tensity and greed. Men are insatiaDie
t it .
as ever, and no one can expect me ra;o
to improve in this feature, at least, un
der present influences. N. Y Corr.
Trov Times.
Eating a Boat's Cmr.
A shocking case of massacre and canni
balism is reported by advices just re
ceived in .Liverpool. The information
was received from the Fiji islands, and
came via rtydney. xue circumstances,
as related, are of the most horrifying
character. The victims were the crew of
a boat from tho labor g vessel Isabel. It
appears that the Isabel was on a cruise
in search ot laborers, ami one oy tne
islands touched at was Santo Island.
The Isabel lay off the land, and a boat
was sent off to the shore to open negoti-
;o fnrmit.-n.fwm kmon. While the
t.h treach-
irr" uLiai luud . v w .
Pi-mis islanders made an attacK on iaie
lmnt.'s firew. The men were assailed in
so sudden a manner that they were un
jiblo to offer very much resistance. Out
of the whole crew but two got away, and
these had narrow escapes.whilst one had
two wounds in his head inflicted by tom
ahawks. It was evident the attack Had
been arranged previous to the landing
of thft unfortunate men. as all of the na
tives joined in the affray simultaneously.
Thov were armed with muskets and tom-
sihawks. At tlie moment japt.xxawa.iua ui
.... . i it i.i e
the Isabel, could not do anything, but
snmA tima afterwards a search party was
sent from the schooner.and pushed their
way to a village. The sight which here.
met their eyes was shocking to behold
Th villafrfi was deserted, the natives
leaving behind them a hand.a thigh,por-
tions of a chest, a heart and liver, with
ont donbt the remains of the former
comrades of the search party. The na
tive had evidently been surpneed whilst
preparing to make their last meal on the
unfortunate men of the Isabel, as all the
remains found had been cleaned an
scraped and ready for cooking. All th
human remains were collected an
buried. There was not the slightes
doubt in the minds of the searchers tha
the remainder of the bodies had beeb
eaten by the Santo Island natives, who
are known to be cannibals. Captain
Hawkins received the full particulars of
the attack from the two who escaped, and
who , positively affirmed that not the
slightest provocation was given to the is-
landers to commit the outrage.
.
Anronos of the announcement tha tons
ties are again coming into vogue, this
conundrum, with its answer, presents it
self: In what respect does a bustle differ
from a rich man about to become bank
rupt? The one is better off before and
the other better off behind.
There is one satisfaction in the minds
of the officers of the corps, and that is
that Howgate is foreign born and an ap
pointee from civil life. I Pitts. Com.
Tf ha had onlv been native
born and lived in Newark how differ
ently he would have done.
IIUH0B0US.
Some women, who do fancy work don't
fancy work.
If the doctor orders bark, has not the
patient a right to growl?
Always ready to take a hand in conver
sation deaf and dumb people.
Every dog has his day, but some dogs
have to wait a long time for it to get
around. i
Some property in Louisville, assessed
at $50,000, figures in the assignment for
over $1,000,000.
Oleomargerine, despite its high-sound
ing name, is butter iraCTTuer-.au.-f--'
(Boston Commercial Bulletin.
The latest way to make fun of a fel
low's big feet is to tell him he is taller
lying down than he is standing up.
"That's what beats me," as the boy
said when he saw his father take the skate
strap down from its accustomed nail.
Thirty years is said to be the life of a
locomotive. I Possibly they would live
longer if they did not smoke quite so
much.
All Indian remedies for bringing out
new hair will be regarded with distrust
by a man who has been once scalped.
Picayune.
According to an arithmetical exchange
the proportion this year is about four
iars to one trout. I New York Commer
cial Advertiser.
When a lightning rod agent mysteri
ously disappears in Michigan the matter
is never investigated; people are satisfied
o have him gone.
It was Sidney Smith who retorted up-.
i i ii ii?
on some one who naa caiiea mm an
e very-day man: "Well, if I am an every
day man, you are a weak one.
There is a girl in Plymouth county
who has had eighteen different lovers,
and not one ! of them ever got his arm
around her. She weighs 384 pounds.
Pathetic: The most poetical thing in
real life that we ever gazed upon was a
veteran of the late war weeping over the
grave of a sutler to whom he owed $150.
"The Unseen Hand" is the title of a
i i 1 1.
new dook. .rroDaoiy-' tne oiner mu
didn't have anything better than a pair
of trays, and didn't dare to call. -Bos
ton Post. i
. Why do elderly spinsters have a pre
dilection for parrots? Well, they have no
man about the house, and they want
something around that can swear.
Boston Post;
"I stoled your money," wrote a thief
to his employer. "Remorse nawa my
conscience, and I send some of it back.
When remorse naws agin 1 will sena
some more.
"Woman," says Mrs. Eastman, "is
a problem." So she is; and though a,,
problem we can never hope to solve, it
is one we shall never, never be willing
to give up.
"Is this a safe investment?" asked
Brown. "Safe investment?" exclaimed
the broker, "I never knew anybody who
put his money into it to take it out
again." fBoston Transcript.
A Western young man, aged 18, has
eloped with a married woman of three
score years. This esthetic craze for an
tiquities is becoming altogether too gen
eral, and threatens to cause trouble.
"Yes, I've I got a horrid cold," said
Mrs. Jenkinson. "I ve dosed and dosed,
and I believe I've taken no less than
thirty-nine articles, and I begin to feel
like an Episcopal. fBoston Transcript.
"Mv dear son.'.' exclaimed old Mrs.
Jenkins last evening,
mJ
"I wouldn t go
out without something
on your overcoat or
jacket, or vou'll ketch
over me. Pnt
your
your
cardamon
death of
uujuuia. i
In an editor's room in Fleet street,
Londo i, a skull is nailed up against one
of the desks. Underneath is written in
large letters: "This is Smith, who did
not like an article about himself and was
rash enough to say so."
A negro witness at Pittsburg testified
that he did not board with Mrs. Rey
nolds, but that he "batohed" with her.
Pressed to explain, he said: "1 buys de
wittles, Mrs. Reynolds cooks 'em, and
dey calls that 'batching.' "
"Yes," said a fresh arrival from Bo
die, tho other day, "the gal I married
upon the lode, last month, is" a perfect
lady a perfect lady, sir. I don't sup
pose I've heare bar swear real hard
more'n twice this spring!" ,
Brown pointed his gun at a partridge;
the cap snapped and the bird flew off.
"Just mv confounded luck" exclaimed
Brown; "miss lire every , time.",
"Have patience, counseled irogg; "you
may have better luck in the next world."
That New Yorker who has not closed
hia eyes in sleep for .the last thirteen
years has determimed to hire out on a
farm this summer. Inside of two weeks
his employer will have to haul him out
bed by the feet to get his eyes open.
The betting on the number of the
hymn, as put on the new chapel black
board, is a favorite diversion with men
in the back seats. The last one was
above par, 123. We are waiting for a
ticket to be puc in. This is true pro
gress, i
General Abe Buford is lecturing to the
Kentnckians to prove that there are
horses in heaven. When he settles that
point he will only have to prove one
thing more; in heaven to convert the
State en masse. What do you suppose
that is? j
A Sunday school teacher asked: "What
bird is large enough to carry off a man?"
Nobody knew; but one little, girl sug
gested "a lark." And then she explained:
"Mamma said papa wouldn't be home
until Monday, because he bad gone off
on a larK.
the same.