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About Spilyay tymoo. (Warm Springs, Or.) 1976-current | View Entire Issue (Dec. 21, 1984)
c S pilyay T ymoo > < December 21,1984 Page 3 Spilyay Tymoo photo by Shtwciyk Christmas excitement builds with activities Cutting but pictures o f wantea Julie M itchell shares with Lorraine Ekf eberry a copy o f Headstart’s new cookbook. The softbound One way to get what you wantfor Christmas is to make a list telling items for Christmas takes Nicolle books are on sale at the Headstart office fo r $5 each. Santa Claus, so claims Buster Isadore. Charley’s concentration. William Sam joyfully decorates the Christmas tree at the Daycare/ Headstart trailer with handmade ornaments. Christmas programs draw large audiences as parents and friends come to hear the children sing Christmas songs they have practiced. Sixth grade students from Buff Elementary are pictured. Adults need to learn about children’s anger, feelings H andling children ’s anger can be puzzling, draining, and dis tressing fo r adults. In fact, one o f the m ajor problem s in deal ing with anger in children is the angry feelings th a t are often stirred up in tis. It has been said th a t we as parents, teachers, counselors, and adm inistrators need to rem ind ourselves th a t we were not alw ays taugh t how to deal w ith anger as a fact of life during o u r ow n childhood. W ew ere led to believe th a t to be arigry was to be bad, and we were often m ade to feel guilty fo r expressing anger. It will be easier to deal with children’s anger if we get rid of this notion. O ur goal is not to repress or destroy angry feed ings in children o r in ourselves, b u t rath er to accept the feelings an d to help channel and direct them to constructive ends. P arents and teachers m ust allow children to feel all their feelings. A dult skills can then be directed tow ard showing chil dren acceptable ways o f ex pressing their feelings. S tro n g feelings can n o t be denied, and angry outb u rsts should not al ways be viewed as a sign of serious problem s; they should be recognized and treated with respect. T o respond effectively to over ly aggressive behavior in child ren we need to have som e ideas a b o u t w hat m ay have triggered an o u tburst. A nger m ay be a defense to avoid painful feel ings; it m ay be associated w ith failure, low self-esteem, and feel ings o fiso la tio n ; o r it m ay be related to anxiety a b o u t situ a tions over w hich the child has no c o n tro l A ngry defiance m ay also be associated w ith feelings o f de pendency, and anger m ay be associated with sadness and de- pression. In childhood, anger and sadness are very close to one a n o th er and it is im p o rtan t to rem em ber th a t m uch of w hat an ad u lt experiences as sadness is expressed b y a child as anger. Before we look at specific ways to m anage aggressive and angry o u tbursts, several points should be highlighted: ♦We should distinguish be tween anger and aggression. A n ger is a tem porary em otional state caused by fru stratio n ; ag gression is often an attem p t to h u rt a person o r to destroy property. ♦A nger and aggression do not have to be dirty w ords. In o th er w ords, in looking at ag gressive behavior in children, we must be cafeful to distin guish between behavior that indi cates em otional problem s and behavior th at is norm al. In dealing, with angry child ren, o u r actions should be m ot ivated by the need to protect and to teach, not be a desire to punish. P aren ts and teachers should show a child th a t they accept his o r her feelings, while suggesting o ther ways to express the feelings. A n adult m ight say, fo r exam ple; “ Let me tell you w hat som e children would do ip a situation like th is ., It is not enough to tell children What behaviors we find unaccept able. We must teach them accept able ways o f coping. A lso, ways m ust be found to com m unicate w hat we expect of them . C on trary to pop u lar opinion, p u n ishm ent is not the m ost effective way to com m unicate to child ren w hat we expect o f them . R esponding to the A ngry Child Som e o f the follow ing sug gestions fo r dealing w ith " the ta n t fo r child ren to have op por angry child were taken from tunities fo t physical exercise and The Aggressive C hild by. F ritz m ovem ent, b o th a t hom e and at R edland D avid W ineman. They school. M anipulate the surroundings., should be considered helpful ideas and not be seen as a “ bag Aggressive behavior can be en couraged by placing children in of tricks.” C atch the child being good. tough, tem pting situations. We Tell the child w hat behaviors should try td plan the su rround please you. R espond to positive ings so th at certain things are efforts and reinforce good beha less ap t to happen. S to p a “p ro vior. An observing and sensitive blem ” activity and substitute, parent will fiiiH countless opportu tem porarily, a m ore desirable nities during th e day to make one. Som etim es rules and regu such com m ents as, “ I like the latio n s, as well as physical space, way you come in for dinner ¡may be too confining. Use closeness and touching. without being reminded”; “I appre ciate y o u r h an g in g up y o u r /M ove physically closer to the clothes even though you were in child to curb his or her angry a hurry to get out to play”; “YoU im pulse. Y oung children are of were really patient while I w a s, ten calm ed by having an adult on the p h o n e”; “ I’m glad you nearby. Express interest in the child’s shared y o u r snack with your sister”; “I like the way you’re activities. Children m utually try able to think o f oth ers”; arid ■ to involve adults in w hat they “T hank you fo r telling th e tru th are doing, and the ad ü ltis often ab o u t w hat really happened.” . annoyed at being bothered. Very Sim ilarly, teachers can posi young children (and children tively reinforce good behavior who aré em otíoñally deprived) with statem ents like, “ I know it seem' to need m uch m ore adult was difficult for you to wait involvement in their interests. your tu rn , and I ’m pleased th at - A Child ab o u t to use a toy or you could d d .it”; “T hanks for tool in a destructive way is sitting in your seat quietly”; som etimes easily stopped by an “You were thoughtful in offer ad u lt who expresses in terest in ing to help Jo h n n y with his having it show n to him. An spelling”; “You w orked hard on outburst, from an older child th at project, and I adm ire your struggling with a difficult read ing selection, can be prevented effort.” D eliberately ignore in appro by a caring ad u lt who moves priate behavior th at can be to l h e a r the child to say, “ S how m e erated . This d oesn’t mean that which w ords are giving you you should ignore this child, trou b le.” Be ready to show affection. ju st the behavior. The “ ignor ing” has to be planned an d con- Sometiiries all th at is needed for sisterit. Even though this b'cha'v-; atjy angry child to regain con io r m ay be tolerated, the child t r o l i s a sudden hug or other m ust recognize th at it is inap i impulsive show of affection. Chil dren with serious em otional pro propriate. ’ Provide physical outlets an d blems, however, m ay have tro u o th er alternatives. It is im por ble accepting affection. i. Ease tension through hum or. Kidding the child out of a tem per tan tru m or outburst, offers the child an opportunity to “save face.” However, it is im portant to distin g u ish betw een face- saving hum or and sarcasm or teasing ridicule. 1 A ppeal directly to the child. Tell him Or her how you feel and ask for consideration. F or exam ple, a p aren t or a teacher m ay gain a child’s cooperation by saying, “ I know th a t noise you’re m aking doesn’t usually b o th er me, but to d ay I’ve got a headache, so could you find so m e th in g else y o u ’d en jo y doing?” Explain situations. Help the child u n derstand the cause of a stressful situation. We often fail to realize how easily young chiL dren can begin to react properly once they understand the cause o f their frustration. | Use physical restraint. Occa sionally a child may lose control sd Completely th at he has to be physically restrained or removed from the scene to prevent him from hurling him self or others. This m ay also “save face” for the child. Physical restraint or rem oval from the scene should n o t be viewed by the child as punishm ent but as a means of saying, “You can ’t do th a t.” In such situations, an adult cannot afford to lose his or her tem per, and Unfriendly rem arks °th er children should not be tolerated. Encourage children to see their strengths as well as their weak nesses. Help them to see th a t they can reach their goals, g Use prom ises and rewards: Prom ises Of future pleasure can be used b oth to start and to stop behavior.: This approach should ' not be com pared with bribery. » We m ust know w hat the .child likes-what brings hirii pleasure- and we m ust deliver on our promises. So “N o!” Lim its should be clearly explained and enforced. C hildren should be free to func tion within those limits. Tell the child that you accept his or her angry feelings, but offer other suggestions fo r ex pressing them . Teach children to put th eir angry feelings into words, rather than fists. Build a positive self-image. Encourage children to see them selves as valued and valuable people. Use punishm ent cautiously. There is a fine line between pun ishm ent that is hostile tow ard a child and punishm ent th at is educational. Model ap propriate behavior. Parents,and teachers should be aware of the pow erful influence of their actions on a child’s or group’s behavior. Teach children to express them selves verbally. Talking helps a child hatfe control and thus re duces acting out behavior. En courage the child to say, for example, “ I d o n ’t like your tak ing my pencil. I d o n ’t feel like sharing just now .” As one fourth grade teacher p ut it; “One o f the m ost im por ta n t goals we strive fo r as p ar en ts, ed u c a to rs, an d m ental health professionals is to help children develop respect for them selves and others,” While arriv ing at this g o a l takes years of patient practice, it is a vital p ro cess in which parents, teachers^ and all caring adults can play a crucial and exciting role. In order to . accom plish this, we must see children as w orthy hum an beings and be sincere in dealing with them.
