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About East Oregonian : E.O. (Pendleton, OR) 1888-current | View Entire Issue (Feb. 1, 2017)
.MJZ]IZa-);<-:67:-/768):-6< Four steps to help children deal with their feelings “ I was a wonderful parent be- fore I had children. I was an expert on why everyone else was having problems with theirs. Then I had three of my own.” So begins the book, “How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk,” by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. Faber and Mazlish use humor with their paren ng and profes- sional experiences to help parents learn eff ec ve com- munica on. Helping children deal with their feelings is fundamental in crea ng a parent/ child rela onship built on respect. Respect, from the La n re+spectare, means to look again or to give a second look. When we have mutual respect, we look each other in the eye again, and again and again. Respect begins with a look. Faber and Mazlish, both stu- dents of Dr. Haim Gino , tell us that there is a direct connec on to how kids feel and how they behave. If kids feel right, they’ll act right. We can help them feel right by ac- cep ng and respec ng their feel- ings. It can be easy to dismiss our children’s feelings. Children can be overly drama c or use the wrong words to describe their emo ons. Taken off -guard, we respond with phrases such as, “You’re not hun- gry. You just ate,” “You’re not hot. The air condi oner is running,” or “Don’t say you hate your sister. That’s an awful thing to say.” Kids can become confused and angry when adults deny children’s feelings. Hearing their feelings dis- missed teaches our children not to trust their feelings and keeps them from learning to express them ap- propriately. “Assisting people to become independent, healthy and safe.” %#2'%1/CKP1HƂEG 721 SE 3rd Suite D • Pendleton 541-276-1926 CAPECO - Airport Location 1605 NW 50th Street • Pendleton 541-276-5073 We Offer Help With: • Housing/ Homeownership • Employment/ Training Services • Emergency Services • Food/ Nutrition • Senior Services • Energy Services Maren Schmidt Strategies _______________ Kids Talk™ Faber and Mazlish recommend four steps in accep ng and respect- ing our children’s feelings: • We can listen quietly and at- ten vely. Turn off the televi- sion, radio, cell phone and computer, and give your child your full a en on. Listen and refrain from giving advice, judging, asking ques ons, pitying, psy- choanalyzing or taking sides. Just listen. • We can acknowl- edge our children’s feelings with just a word. Using just a word or two, for example “oh, mmmm, I see” will help our children feel that we are hearing what they are say- ing and feeling. I’ve found nodding with steady eye contact acts as an understanding word. • We can give the feeling a name. “That sounds frustra ng.” “You must be upset [angry, sad].” “You must feel happy about that.” • We can give the child his wishes in fantasy. “I wish you could wear your pajamas to school.” A three-year-old friend of mine was upset and in tears about hav- ing to take turns on our tree swing. I listened for a while, then looked Andie in the eye and said, “I think you’d like to swing all day.” She nodded. “It’s frustra ng to have to take turns with your brothers.” Another nod. “I wish I could build another swing, just for you, so you could swing and swing and swing. I’d write your name on it with pink and silver le ers.” Andie wiped her face and gave me a smile. She jumped from her mother’s lap and ran to get a ball. Feelings acknowledged. Crisis over. Move on. When we use these four steps, we’ll help our children deal with their emo ons. We can accept all feelings. Ac ons intended to harm are what we should not accept or condone. A child might be angry and express hatred or a desire to harm. We could respond with, “I see you’re upset with your brother. Use your words to tell him what you want. Remember, no hi ng.” Listen so kids will talk. Talk so kids will listen. It’s a two-way street, built on respect. Look ’em in the eyes and listen, really listen. ________ Kids Talk™ is an award-winning column dealing with childhood de- velopment issues wri en by Maren Stark Schmidt, M.Ed. She has more than 25 years experience working with young children and is the au- thor of Understanding Montessori: A Guide for Parents. Contact her via e-mail at maren@kidstalknews.
