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Four steps to help children deal with their feelings
“ I
was a wonderful parent be-
fore I had children. I was an
expert on why everyone else
was having problems with theirs.
Then I had three of my own.”
So begins the book, “How To Talk
So Kids Will Listen and Listen So
Kids Will Talk,” by Adele Faber and
Elaine Mazlish.
Faber and Mazlish use humor
with their paren ng and profes-
sional experiences to help parents
learn eff ec ve com-
munica on. Helping
children deal with their
feelings is fundamental
in crea ng a parent/
child rela onship built
on respect.
Respect, from the
La n re+spectare,
means to look again or
to give a second look.
When we have mutual
respect, we look each
other in the eye again,
and again and again.
Respect begins with a
look.
Faber and Mazlish, both stu-
dents of Dr. Haim Gino , tell us
that there is a direct connec on to
how kids feel and how they behave.
If kids feel right, they’ll act right.
We can help them feel right by ac-
cep ng and respec ng their feel-
ings.
It can be easy to dismiss our
children’s feelings. Children can be
overly drama c or use the wrong
words to describe their emo ons.
Taken off -guard, we respond with
phrases such as, “You’re not hun-
gry. You just ate,” “You’re not hot.
The air condi oner is running,” or
“Don’t say you hate your sister.
That’s an awful thing to say.”
Kids can become confused and
angry when adults deny children’s
feelings. Hearing their feelings dis-
missed teaches our children not to
trust their feelings and keeps them
from learning to express them ap-
propriately.
“Assisting people to become
independent, healthy and safe.”
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Maren
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Strategies
_______________
Kids Talk™
Faber and Mazlish recommend
four steps in accep ng and respect-
ing our children’s feelings:
• We can listen quietly and at-
ten vely.
Turn off the televi-
sion, radio, cell phone
and computer, and
give your child your
full a en on. Listen
and refrain from giving
advice, judging, asking
ques ons, pitying, psy-
choanalyzing or taking
sides. Just listen.
• We can acknowl-
edge our children’s
feelings with just a
word.
Using just a word
or two, for example “oh, mmmm, I
see” will help our children feel that
we are hearing what they are say-
ing and feeling. I’ve found nodding
with steady eye contact acts as an
understanding word.
• We can give the feeling a name.
“That sounds frustra ng.” “You
must be upset [angry, sad].” “You
must feel happy about that.”
• We can give the child his wishes
in fantasy.
“I wish you could wear your
pajamas to school.”
A three-year-old friend of mine
was upset and in tears about hav-
ing to take turns on our tree swing.
I listened for a while, then looked
Andie in the eye and said, “I think
you’d like to swing all day.”
She nodded.
“It’s frustra ng to have to take
turns with your brothers.” Another
nod.
“I wish I could build another
swing, just for you, so you could
swing and swing and swing. I’d
write your name on it with pink and
silver le ers.”
Andie wiped her face and gave
me a smile. She jumped from her
mother’s lap and ran to get a ball.
Feelings acknowledged. Crisis over.
Move on.
When we use these four steps,
we’ll help our children deal with
their emo ons. We can accept all
feelings. Ac ons intended to harm
are what we should not accept or
condone.
A child might be angry and
express hatred or a desire to harm.
We could respond with, “I see
you’re upset with your brother. Use
your words to tell him what you
want. Remember, no hi ng.”
Listen so kids will talk. Talk so
kids will listen.
It’s a two-way street, built on
respect. Look ’em in the eyes and
listen, really listen.
________
Kids Talk™ is an award-winning
column dealing with childhood de-
velopment issues wri en by Maren
Stark Schmidt, M.Ed. She has more
than 25 years experience working
with young children and is the au-
thor of Understanding Montessori:
A Guide for Parents. Contact her via
e-mail at maren@kidstalknews.