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About East Oregonian : E.O. (Pendleton, OR) 1888-current | View Entire Issue (Oct. 1, 2016)
7K\WJMZ-);<-:67:-/768):-6< When your middle-schooler skips their homework This is a lesson many parents learn the hard way. Author Shari Steelsmith recalls how she had to deal with an underperforming seventh grader as the me for his fi rst progress report of the year was nearing. He was then failing his math course. “It’s not because he didn’t un- derstand the material — he simply was failing to turn in homework assignments. Af- ter three weeks of his claims that he was doing fi ne in math class and comple ng all the work at school, I e- mailed his teacher and asked if this was true. The teacher replied that he was missing six assignments, had been given a progress report to take home a week ago, and was currently receiving an F in the class.” She con nues, “Let’s just say I was more than a li le annoyed about the ditching of math home- work, and really upset that he lied to me and failed to give me the report.” Steelsmith, who has both writ- ten and spoken on paren ng techniques, says, “When I’m at my wits’ end with my kids, I’m usually bright enough to give myself a me out and think about things and chat with my spouse. Given my work, I look for help in paren ng books and ar cles, I talk to other parents whose paren ng I respect, and I some mes ask for advice from the professionals in my circle—teach- ers, counselors, speech therapists, nurses, parent educators, etc.” Here is some of the advice she received and examples of the tools she and her family used with this situa on. “Louise Tracy’s book ‘Grounded for Life?! Stop Blowing Your Fuse and Start Communica ng with Your Teenager’ reminded me that confron ng my child with emo ons such as anger and intense disap- pointment will only set a kid up to feel defensive, to lie or argue. C olu m bia R iver C om m u nity H ealth Services 541-481-7 212 • 450 Tatone St., B oardm an, O R 97 818 M on. 7 :30 am - 7 :00 pm ; Tu e. - Fri. 7 :30 am - 5:00 pm See u s for all you r m edical needs. M ost m ajor insu rances, M edicare and O regon M edicaid accepted. W e are an insu rance exchange and M edicaid A ssistor Site. Please give u s a call for m ore inform ation. H ablam os E spañ ol She also pointed out that a child’s grades belong to him, not me. It’s his problem, not mine. Remember- ing this helped me stay calmer and keep a li le emo onal distance, which, in turn, allowed him to hear more of what I said. “When my son got home, I met him on the steps and asked him to read the teacher’s e-mail. Staying calm really paid off . He was upset, but it was more with himself and the situa on; his emo on didn’t get directed toward me (I appreciated this). When I asked him specifi cally why he didn’t give me the report, he said he knew it would upset me and he wanted to try and turn the work in before he showed it to me. Some of this turned out to be true — he had turned two of the assignments in that day in school (yes, I checked with the teacher). I’m not sure he actually would have showed the report to me, but I de- cided not to quibble on that point. “Tracy advises sta ng the prob- lem and allowing the child to ex- plain his posi on. Don’t interrupt, she says, even if the excuses are lame beyond belief. Giving the child his ‘day in court,’ so to speak, keeps him open and talking. In our situa- on, it went like this: My son: Mr. Barlow never said those things were homework! I thought it was just stuff we were doing in class! Me: Well, whatever you thought it was, it appears he expected you to fi nish it and turn it in. He s ll ex- pects you to turn it in. What is your plan for doing that? “My neighbor advised me to keep any discussion to fi ve minutes Parenting Tip or less. More than fi ve minutes, she says, and you tend to start lecturing or repea ng yourself and the kid just tunes out. I found this excellent advice but s ll went over by one minute. “My teacher-friend told me that the ‘not turning in work, even if it’s fi nished on me’ habit is a phenomenon well-documented in middle school boys. She saw it in her ninth grade boy students all the me. It was a li le comfor ng to know that it’s a common behavior. “I don’t need to go to anyone else for advice on consequenc- es — I wrote the book (“Go to Your Room!: Consequences That Teach”). Since he’d neglected his homework for entertainment pur- suits, eff ec ve immediately, I told him, all ac vi es with screens (TV, computer, games) were off -limits un l every last page of the miss- ing assignments were turned in. To address the dishonesty, I told him that he would be required to prove all statements regarding his math homework. If he said there was no homework for the evening, he would need to show me a signed note from his teacher a es ng to the fact; if he said he was already fi nished with the assignment, I would need to see it. If he forgot the note at school or failed to bring home the work, he would be restricted from all screens for the evening or weekend.” ________ Story reprinted with permission from ParenƟ ng Press, © 2016.
