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When your middle-schooler skips their homework
This is a lesson many parents
learn the hard way. Author Shari
Steelsmith recalls how she had
to deal with an underperforming
seventh grader as the me for his
fi rst progress report of the year was
nearing. He was then failing his
math course.
“It’s not because he didn’t un-
derstand the material — he
simply was failing to turn in
homework assignments. Af-
ter three weeks of his claims
that he was doing fi ne in
math class and comple ng
all the work at school, I e-
mailed his teacher and asked
if this was true. The teacher
replied that he was missing
six assignments, had been
given a progress report to
take home a week ago, and
was currently receiving an F
in the class.”
She con nues, “Let’s just say
I was more than a li le annoyed
about the ditching of math home-
work, and really upset that he lied
to me and failed to give me the
report.”
Steelsmith, who has both writ-
ten and spoken on paren ng
techniques, says, “When I’m at my
wits’ end with my kids, I’m usually
bright enough to give myself a me
out and think about things and chat
with my spouse. Given my work,
I look for help in paren ng books
and ar cles, I talk to other parents
whose paren ng I respect, and I
some mes ask for advice from the
professionals in my circle—teach-
ers, counselors, speech therapists,
nurses, parent educators, etc.”
Here is some of the advice she
received and examples of the tools
she and her family used with this
situa on.
“Louise Tracy’s book ‘Grounded
for Life?! Stop Blowing Your Fuse
and Start Communica ng with
Your Teenager’ reminded me that
confron ng my child with emo ons
such as anger and intense disap-
pointment will only set a kid up
to feel defensive, to lie or argue.
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She also pointed out that a child’s
grades belong to him, not me. It’s
his problem, not mine. Remember-
ing this helped me stay calmer and
keep a li le emo onal distance,
which, in turn, allowed him to hear
more of what I said.
“When my son got home, I met
him on the steps and asked him to
read the teacher’s e-mail.
Staying calm really paid off .
He was upset, but it was
more with himself and the
situa on; his emo on didn’t
get directed toward me (I
appreciated this). When I
asked him specifi cally why he
didn’t give me the report, he
said he knew it would upset
me and he wanted to try
and turn the work in before
he showed it to me. Some
of this turned out to be true
— he had turned two of the
assignments in that day in school
(yes, I checked with the teacher).
I’m not sure he actually would have
showed the report to me, but I de-
cided not to quibble on that point.
“Tracy advises sta ng the prob-
lem and allowing the child to ex-
plain his posi on. Don’t interrupt,
she says, even if the excuses are
lame beyond belief. Giving the child
his ‘day in court,’ so to speak, keeps
him open and talking. In our situa-
on, it went like this:
My son: Mr. Barlow never said
those things were homework! I
thought it was just stuff we were
doing in class!
Me: Well, whatever you thought
it was, it appears he expected you
to fi nish it and turn it in. He s ll ex-
pects you to turn it in. What is your
plan for doing that?
“My neighbor advised me to
keep any discussion to fi ve minutes
Parenting
Tip
or less. More than fi ve minutes, she
says, and you tend to start lecturing
or repea ng yourself and the kid
just tunes out. I found this excellent
advice but s ll went over by one
minute.
“My teacher-friend told me
that the ‘not turning in work, even
if it’s fi nished on me’ habit is a
phenomenon well-documented in
middle school boys. She saw it in
her ninth grade boy students all the
me. It was a li le comfor ng to
know that it’s a common behavior.
“I don’t need to go to anyone
else for advice on consequenc-
es — I wrote the book (“Go to
Your Room!: Consequences That
Teach”). Since he’d neglected his
homework for entertainment pur-
suits, eff ec ve immediately, I told
him, all ac vi es with screens (TV,
computer, games) were off -limits
un l every last page of the miss-
ing assignments were turned in. To
address the dishonesty, I told him
that he would be required to prove
all statements regarding his math
homework. If he said there was
no homework for the evening, he
would need to show me a signed
note from his teacher a es ng to
the fact; if he said he was already
fi nished with the assignment, I
would need to see it. If he forgot
the note at school or failed to
bring home the work, he would be
restricted from all screens for the
evening or weekend.”
________
Story reprinted with permission
from ParenƟ ng Press, © 2016.