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About The morning Astorian. (Astoria, Or.) 1899-1930 | View Entire Issue (Dec. 13, 1907)
h FRIDAY, DECEMBER 13, 1907. THE MORNING ASTOMAN, ASTORIA, OREGON. V FUN FOR THE Annuo lllUUd STAFF A Newspaper Story Written for the Morning Astorian. 0' N (lint duy the Argus stuff had bml mi iiiiiimniliy trying time of It, To Ih'bIii with, tlitt press dlNmt'liii had consisted chief 17 or KumdIuii war news, which bad beeu H)urlii lu steadily nil any, filled wltb mi unusual mid most dlscourag ng quantity of unpronounceable and unanellaule uiinicn-ttiiit Is, to any out xcont u cxwrt lit Ktisslnu and Aalnt- le nomenclature. To an ordinary ed itor, proofreader or typesetter they were Imply 10 many Jagud mountain chatua.of consonants, with an occa sional vowel thrown In for good uiea urt. To cap the cllnias 0110 of the hnnd tot column gut knocked Into pi just ni the paper was 11 bout ready for tlio irtttM, which uindo p great Improve ment lu the spelling of some of tbt duuic, but ruined the art Ida lu other respects, ao tbnt It waa necessary to reset It, which waa dona, putting all bauda ou tho work aud rushing it throuuh at race horse speed lu order not to delay tho edition mora than could ba boltd. Tba result wna-weli, tho Argua got out about 011 time, but aa managing editor of the paper Harney Make bad no reason to feel proud of Hint par ticular column of war uewa aa it ap peared in prlut 8011m of It waa still pi, but It came out all right In the second edition, alao tu tho third and fourth, niaka saw to that personally, a he expected Colonel fttarbuck, the proprietor of the Dally Argun, lu some time during the afternoon, and, know ing blm to be of an excitable tempera-meat-toe colonel often a wore the Ar gil wltb Ita blunders would bo the death of bun-be did not care partic ularly to have him aee Unit dispatch aa originally printed. The colonel failed to ehow up at the usual bour, however, and Barney waa rather glad than otherwise that be didn't , What be needod-lu fact, what the entire Argua staff needed Just thou was a little wholesome recreation In stead of an interview with or a lecture from Colonel Htarbuck-eouiethlug to take off the tenslou Instead of screw ing It up tighter. . It Is no wonder, then, that when an unexpected opportunity for innocent fun presented itself Itoruey Joyfully sud eagerly seined upon It and made the most of it. The opportunity In qoetlou came In the shape of a cullcrono of the oddcNt looking flah that had drifted Into the Argus office in many moons. One quick glnuco at tho linen duster which bung loosely about bis robust form and the lust ycur's ttraw hut too, most of tbem. Now, seeing I bar been miming auowpitpnr myself for the past tlftwii years, I hud a glimmer Ing sort of on Idoii when I drifted in hero today that poenibly 1 knew some thing about the business, but 1 find was mistaken. I'm only a Jlblnirlng idiot In tli newspaper busbies, from the Argus standpoint, aud, having bought tlio puper, I've got to start lu at tho bottom and Icnm the trade all over again from Its highly accomplish ed and courteous stuff. Good Joke ou me, Mr. make, Isn't Itr Namey-not to iiieullou the rest of the Argus staff-looked aa If it would be a great relief to blin ut that 1110 ment If the earth were to open and swallow up tho entire establishment. "W-wby-er-who who are your be stammered uneasily. "I? Oh, I'm nobody much. I'm ouly Uncle Horace, the old hayseed that dropped In on you a few nilnutea ago to take lessona In Journalism and tbt "BSCX.ON TOU WtlBT KB TBB-KB-BJUHim KDmm, aa?" perched on tho back of his bead, aud Barney hnd sized him up for a horny banded agrlculturlst-probably one of the country subscribers coming in, as tbey frequently did, to look over the Argus establishment and see the mo Sus operandi of getting ont a dally newspaper., .,;; 1 : y': i "Hello, Uncle Horace I? Looking for any one lu particular?" saluted Blake as the man wltb airy toga and out of date headgear paused Inside the door way and glanced Inquiringly around the room. "How did you happen to light on to xny cog-no-men bbfore I even opened my trapdoor?" queried the caller whim sically. ."I always beard the Argua had a mighty smart staff, and now I know it. Reckon you must be tho-er sas aioty editor, eh?" "No; I'm only the managing editor," explained Barney.. "The society editor is the chap in the corner with the chrysanthemum hair and a rose in bis buttonhole. Tou will also recognise him 1 diamond ring that flashes on his band as he dnshes off his elo quent and sparkling society bonmots and his fascinating descriptions of Mrs. Brown's colonial ball, Mrs. O'Raffer- cnrysai button!) by the write HOW D TS IK), MA)?" EXCLAIM XX) Til a COUiNSI art of entertaining caller. But here come Colonel Htarlnick. I'erhapa I con get biiu to iutroduco me. How are you, colonel? A trllle lute lu keeping your appoliituiuiit, aren't you?" "Why, how d'ye do, major?" exclaim ed Colonel Starbuck cordially. "I am sorry I've kept you waiting, but it has glveu you a chunca to learn something about the Argua establishment and the staff." "Yes, It has," Interposed the caller dryly. " ' "I'retty bright looklug crowd, major, ren't they? ituya, this is Major Hay- den, the former owner and editor of tho Ccutervlllu Courier. He has bought out my Intercuts In the Argua, taking possession at once, aud I trust the now relationship between you as employer and "Hello! What baa been going on here? What Is that sign you are carry ing around 011 your back, major? Here, let me remove It. Turnips For Sale,' eh? I surely hopo that miserable at tempt at wit was not placed on your back by any one connected wltb this establishment." "I am afraid it waa, colonel," was the calm reply. "You aee, the boys mis took me for one of your rural subscrib ers, and they have been having some amusement at my expense. But I see they are pretty well worked up over it, ao perhaps we had better flulsh our in terview In your private office and give our humorous friends a chance to think the matter over quietly by themselves." Half an hour Inter when the new proprietor of tho Argus emerged from the Inner sanctum be found a rntbor solemn looking crowd awaiting bis ap pearance, and Barney Blake's erst while smiling couutenanco was the most scpulchrally solemn of them all as he stepped forward and gravely banded him a folded document. Opening It, Mr. Hayden read aa fol lows: Major liny Jon: lmr Blr-We have had our innlnrs. and It la now your turn. As the future pro prietor of the Dally Argua you doubtless will not care to retain In your employ the lull of Ions eared, unmitigated donkeys now connected with the paper, and w herewith hand you our resignations, to take effect Immediately, tog-othor with our apologies for the unpardonable treatment received by you at our hande thla after, noon, . This note was signed by Managing Editor Blake and the other members of the Argus staff, and below the sig natures waa the following postscript: " P. B. The boys were bound to ahare the blame equally with myielf and hand In their resignation! with mine, but aa I am the head of the office and the other took their oue from m I feel that I alone ahould shoulder the responsibility for what ocourred, and aa an act of Justice to my fellow employees I ask that my resignation alone be accepted and tht,no one else shall, be made to suffer for my fault. The rest of tho boys are a pretty good lot. They will serve yn't faithfully and redeem themselves In your eyes. 1 m aure, If you will give thorn a chance, tours respoctfully, BARNEY BLAKE. "Resignations declined with thanks! You are all going to stick rlg'.it to your Jobs until I tell yon different." an nounced Major Hnydcii bluutly us he finished reading tho ubovo coinuiunlcn tlon and, tearing it Into strips, dropped it into the wastobttHket. "You've hnd your lesson, boys, and 1 guess there isn't meh danger of auy. more such exhibitions as we have had here this afternoon, I'm willing to try you ony bow. !. . 4. "But I'm glad you added tbnt post script. Mr. Blake," bo aoucludod,. reach- lug ovor ami giving Barney's hand a hourty shake. "It bus a manly ring to it, ami I reckon we'll get along to gether an right." ty'i French fetoi Mrs. Robinson's Itit Inn musicals or Mrs. John Q. Smith's Japanese lawn party. Oh, he's a gou- lusour society editor." "You don't sny!" "Yes. The paper simply couldn't 1st without him." "That so? Queer Colonel Htarbuck never told me anything about 'blm," mused the caller, "Oh, you know the colonel, do your sKea itinxo, "Yes, we're what 1 might call slight ly .acquainted. I had a little business transaction with blm the other day." "Bold you a gold brick, I suppose," and Barney winked humorously at the rest of tho staff, "Don't kuow yet whether it will turn out to be a gold brick or not. Reckon I shan't worry any If it does. I've in vested in gold bricks before, and the way I figure It it's nobody's business but my owu if I do it again." "Ob, I aee," ssld Barney smoothly. "A trifle touchy on the gold brick ques tion, eh, Mr.-er-IIayeed, is Itr "Not quite. Hayden happens to be my name. Didn't make quite as slick guess as you did on tba Horace. But go ahead and call me Hayseed If you like. You can remember that name better than Ilayden probably, and I guess it flts me about as well as the other, anyhow. Don't it strike you that way r "Oh, no, you're no bayseed! You're right from Chicago or New York city -anybody could tell that from the cot of your Jib!" And Barney again pass ed the wink to the others, who all felt In duty bound to roar at the managing editor's wit. Nice, genial staff you've got Cbuck full of fuu, ain't they? I hope they're not laughing at me. Hain't got Please Kick Me' sign pinned to my back, have IT' "That's all right. Uncle Horace," purred Barney. "Don't go to getting excited. The boys aro Just spoiling for a little fun been working under steam pressure today but none of tbem would ever bo guilty of-er by George, they have, Just the samel But it doeen't rend Tlease Kick Me;' it ssys 'We re From the Farm.' And 11 I only knew the deep dyed villain who pinned it on you I'd discharge blm this instant-yes, sir, this very In stantand I'd tell blm not to come around again until tomorrow morn ing." bo added in a atage whisper aa be stepped around behind the rural looking visitor and removed the of fending sign, deftly replacing it by an other banded blm by one of the crowd, reading, "Turnips For Sale!" "There; that looks better," observed Barney, at which everybody roared promptly once more. "Not quite so much levity, boys," said Barney reprovingly. "I am going to ahow our friend here through the Argus establishment, and I want to seo how well you can behave while" Biff! A big wad of paper came Bailing across tho office and caromed on the ear of the caller. That waa our baseball editor who did that," explained Barney coolly. "Force of habit, I suppose. He prob ably imagined ho was throwing a bail at first base. Don't let that happen again, Hlgglus." , "All right, sir," glibly responded the young man who bad thrown the pa per. "Mistake, anyhow. I was aim ing at the wastebnsket." "Well, seeing you've' apologised, it is all right," said Barney, with mock solemnity. . "Now, Mr. Hsyseed-I should say Hayden-you bave already been intro duced to our baseball and society edi tors, and if you will cast your optics ovor the rest of the collection of gen iuses before you I will enlighten you aa to their duties, so that when you go back to the farm you will understand the secret of the Argua' success in gathering and disseminating the dally newa of the entire world, Including the city and county of Boomopolts. Tho exceedingly tali, thin young man with the short hair and promi nent ears Is Mr. Terklus, our secret service reporter and war correspond ent. His build, aa you will notice, flts blm admirably for the position. He Is ao thin he can crawl over a transom without the slightest difficulty." "You dou't say!" "Fact, I assure you. And that is why a thin man has a marked advan tage over a 200 pounder. - It requires less gas to carry him, and if bo falls from a balloon It doesn't muss him up so much aa it would a fat man, there by effecting a big saving la doctors' bills for repairing broken ribs, etc." "I see. Quito an Idea, that" "Yes, and, besides, a thin man oc cupies leas space and leaves more room In the basket of tho balloon for the wireless message apparatus. You see, as fast as the war correspondent In a balloon gets a message ready to send in to the paper he grinds It out on a wireless sending machine, .something like a phonograph, and it goes flying off Into space until it strikes the Aerial Wireless Telegraph line, over which it whhuses through the air with almost lightning speed .until it reaches -the Argus office. It would do you good to see our office boy catching the mes sages in a wire basket aa they come flying in at the window." ' "Well, well!" . "Oh, I tell you there is a pile to learn about the newspaper business when a fellow once sets about it Now, I rather Imagine you've learned a few things In that line today, Mr. Hayseed I mean Hayden that you never knew before." . 1 ."I reckon. I bave picked up Just a ft 40 ALCOHOL 1 CK CEWT. 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