h
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 13, 1907.
THE MORNING ASTOMAN, ASTORIA, OREGON.
V
FUN
FOR THE
Annuo
lllUUd
STAFF
A Newspaper Story Written for
the Morning Astorian.
0'
N (lint duy the Argus stuff had
bml mi iiiiiimniliy trying time
of It, To Ih'bIii with, tlitt press
dlNmt'liii had consisted chief
17 or KumdIuii war news, which bad
beeu H)urlii lu steadily nil any, filled
wltb mi unusual mid most dlscourag
ng quantity of unpronounceable and
unanellaule uiinicn-ttiiit Is, to any out
xcont u cxwrt lit Ktisslnu and Aalnt-
le nomenclature. To an ordinary ed
itor, proofreader or typesetter they
were Imply 10 many Jagud mountain
chatua.of consonants, with an occa
sional vowel thrown In for good uiea
urt. To cap the cllnias 0110 of the
hnnd tot column gut knocked Into pi
just ni the paper was 11 bout ready for
tlio irtttM, which uindo p great Improve
ment lu the spelling of some of tbt
duuic, but ruined the art Ida lu other
respects, ao tbnt It waa necessary to
reset It, which waa dona, putting all
bauda ou tho work aud rushing it
throuuh at race horse speed lu order
not to delay tho edition mora than
could ba boltd.
Tba result wna-weli, tho Argua got
out about 011 time, but aa managing
editor of the paper Harney Make bad
no reason to feel proud of Hint par
ticular column of war uewa aa it ap
peared in prlut 8011m of It waa still
pi, but It came out all right In the
second edition, alao tu tho third and
fourth, niaka saw to that personally,
a he expected Colonel fttarbuck, the
proprietor of the Dally Argun, lu some
time during the afternoon, and, know
ing blm to be of an excitable tempera-meat-toe
colonel often a wore the Ar
gil wltb Ita blunders would bo the
death of bun-be did not care partic
ularly to have him aee Unit dispatch aa
originally printed.
The colonel failed to ehow up at the
usual bour, however, and Barney waa
rather glad than otherwise that be
didn't ,
What be needod-lu fact, what the
entire Argua staff needed Just thou
was a little wholesome recreation In
stead of an interview with or a lecture
from Colonel Htarbuck-eouiethlug to
take off the tenslou Instead of screw
ing It up tighter.
. It Is no wonder, then, that when an
unexpected opportunity for innocent
fun presented itself Itoruey Joyfully
sud eagerly seined upon It and made
the most of it.
The opportunity In qoetlou came In
the shape of a cullcrono of the oddcNt
looking flah that had drifted Into the
Argus office in many moons.
One quick glnuco at tho linen duster
which bung loosely about bis robust
form and the lust ycur's ttraw hut
too, most of tbem. Now, seeing I bar
been miming auowpitpnr myself for
the past tlftwii years, I hud a glimmer
Ing sort of on Idoii when I drifted in
hero today that poenibly 1 knew some
thing about the business, but 1 find
was mistaken. I'm only a Jlblnirlng
idiot In tli newspaper busbies, from
the Argus standpoint, aud, having
bought tlio puper, I've got to start lu
at tho bottom and Icnm the trade all
over again from Its highly accomplish
ed and courteous stuff. Good Joke ou
me, Mr. make, Isn't Itr
Namey-not to iiieullou the rest of
the Argus staff-looked aa If it would
be a great relief to blin ut that 1110
ment If the earth were to open and
swallow up tho entire establishment.
"W-wby-er-who who are your be
stammered uneasily.
"I? Oh, I'm nobody much. I'm ouly
Uncle Horace, the old hayseed that
dropped In on you a few nilnutea ago
to take lessona In Journalism and tbt
"BSCX.ON TOU WtlBT KB TBB-KB-BJUHim
KDmm, aa?"
perched on tho back of his bead, aud
Barney hnd sized him up for a horny
banded agrlculturlst-probably one of
the country subscribers coming in, as
tbey frequently did, to look over the
Argus establishment and see the mo
Sus operandi of getting ont a dally
newspaper., .,;; 1 : y':
i "Hello, Uncle Horace I? Looking for
any one lu particular?" saluted Blake
as the man wltb airy toga and out of
date headgear paused Inside the door
way and glanced Inquiringly around
the room.
"How did you happen to light on to
xny cog-no-men bbfore I even opened
my trapdoor?" queried the caller whim
sically. ."I always beard the Argua had
a mighty smart staff, and now I know
it. Reckon you must be tho-er sas
aioty editor, eh?"
"No; I'm only the managing editor,"
explained Barney.. "The society editor
is the chap in the corner with the
chrysanthemum hair and a rose in bis
buttonhole. Tou will also recognise him
1 diamond ring that flashes on his
band as he dnshes off his elo
quent and sparkling society bonmots
and his fascinating descriptions of Mrs.
Brown's colonial ball, Mrs. O'Raffer-
cnrysai
button!)
by the
write
HOW D TS IK), MA)?" EXCLAIM XX)
Til a COUiNSI
art of entertaining caller. But here
come Colonel Htarlnick. I'erhapa I con
get biiu to iutroduco me. How are you,
colonel? A trllle lute lu keeping your
appoliituiuiit, aren't you?"
"Why, how d'ye do, major?" exclaim
ed Colonel Starbuck cordially. "I am
sorry I've kept you waiting, but it has
glveu you a chunca to learn something
about the Argua establishment and the
staff."
"Yes, It has," Interposed the caller
dryly. " '
"I'retty bright looklug crowd, major,
ren't they? ituya, this is Major Hay-
den, the former owner and editor of
tho Ccutervlllu Courier. He has bought
out my Intercuts In the Argua, taking
possession at once, aud I trust the now
relationship between you as employer
and
"Hello! What baa been going on
here? What Is that sign you are carry
ing around 011 your back, major? Here,
let me remove It. Turnips For Sale,'
eh? I surely hopo that miserable at
tempt at wit was not placed on your
back by any one connected wltb this
establishment."
"I am afraid it waa, colonel," was
the calm reply. "You aee, the boys mis
took me for one of your rural subscrib
ers, and they have been having some
amusement at my expense. But I see
they are pretty well worked up over it,
ao perhaps we had better flulsh our in
terview In your private office and give
our humorous friends a chance to think
the matter over quietly by themselves."
Half an hour Inter when the new
proprietor of tho Argus emerged from
the Inner sanctum be found a rntbor
solemn looking crowd awaiting bis ap
pearance, and Barney Blake's erst
while smiling couutenanco was the
most scpulchrally solemn of them all
as he stepped forward and gravely
banded him a folded document.
Opening It, Mr. Hayden read aa fol
lows: Major liny Jon:
lmr Blr-We have had our innlnrs. and
It la now your turn. As the future pro
prietor of the Dally Argua you doubtless
will not care to retain In your employ the
lull of Ions eared, unmitigated donkeys
now connected with the paper, and w
herewith hand you our resignations, to
take effect Immediately, tog-othor with our
apologies for the unpardonable treatment
received by you at our hande thla after,
noon, .
This note was signed by Managing
Editor Blake and the other members
of the Argus staff, and below the sig
natures waa the following postscript:
" P. B. The boys were bound to ahare the
blame equally with myielf and hand In
their resignation! with mine, but aa I am
the head of the office and the other took
their oue from m I feel that I alone
ahould shoulder the responsibility for
what ocourred, and aa an act of Justice
to my fellow employees I ask that my
resignation alone be accepted and tht,no
one else shall, be made to suffer for my
fault. The rest of tho boys are a pretty
good lot. They will serve yn't faithfully
and redeem themselves In your eyes. 1
m aure, If you will give thorn a chance,
tours respoctfully,
BARNEY BLAKE.
"Resignations declined with thanks!
You are all going to stick rlg'.it to your
Jobs until I tell yon different." an
nounced Major Hnydcii bluutly us he
finished reading tho ubovo coinuiunlcn
tlon and, tearing it Into strips, dropped
it into the wastobttHket. "You've hnd
your lesson, boys, and 1 guess there
isn't meh danger of auy. more such
exhibitions as we have had here this
afternoon, I'm willing to try you ony
bow. !. . 4.
"But I'm glad you added tbnt post
script. Mr. Blake," bo aoucludod,. reach-
lug ovor ami giving Barney's hand a
hourty shake. "It bus a manly ring to
it, ami I reckon we'll get along to
gether an right."
ty'i French fetoi Mrs. Robinson's Itit
Inn musicals or Mrs. John Q. Smith's
Japanese lawn party. Oh, he's a gou-
lusour society editor."
"You don't sny!"
"Yes. The paper simply couldn't
1st without him."
"That so? Queer Colonel Htarbuck
never told me anything about 'blm,"
mused the caller,
"Oh, you know the colonel, do your
sKea itinxo,
"Yes, we're what 1 might call slight
ly .acquainted. I had a little business
transaction with blm the other day."
"Bold you a gold brick, I suppose,"
and Barney winked humorously at the
rest of tho staff,
"Don't kuow yet whether it will turn
out to be a gold brick or not. Reckon
I shan't worry any If it does. I've in
vested in gold bricks before, and the
way I figure It it's nobody's business
but my owu if I do it again."
"Ob, I aee," ssld Barney smoothly.
"A trifle touchy on the gold brick ques
tion, eh, Mr.-er-IIayeed, is Itr
"Not quite. Hayden happens to be
my name. Didn't make quite as slick
guess as you did on tba Horace. But
go ahead and call me Hayseed If you
like. You can remember that name
better than Ilayden probably, and I
guess it flts me about as well as the
other, anyhow. Don't it strike you
that way r
"Oh, no, you're no bayseed! You're
right from Chicago or New York city
-anybody could tell that from the cot
of your Jib!" And Barney again pass
ed the wink to the others, who all felt
In duty bound to roar at the managing
editor's wit.
Nice, genial staff you've got Cbuck
full of fuu, ain't they? I hope they're
not laughing at me. Hain't got
Please Kick Me' sign pinned to my
back, have IT'
"That's all right. Uncle Horace,"
purred Barney. "Don't go to getting
excited. The boys aro Just spoiling
for a little fun been working under
steam pressure today but none of
tbem would ever bo guilty of-er by
George, they have, Just the samel But
it doeen't rend Tlease Kick Me;' it
ssys 'We re From the Farm.' And 11
I only knew the deep dyed villain who
pinned it on you I'd discharge blm
this instant-yes, sir, this very In
stantand I'd tell blm not to come
around again until tomorrow morn
ing." bo added in a atage whisper aa
be stepped around behind the rural
looking visitor and removed the of
fending sign, deftly replacing it by an
other banded blm by one of the crowd,
reading, "Turnips For Sale!"
"There; that looks better," observed
Barney, at which everybody roared
promptly once more.
"Not quite so much levity, boys,"
said Barney reprovingly. "I am going
to ahow our friend here through the
Argus establishment, and I want to
seo how well you can behave while"
Biff!
A big wad of paper came Bailing
across tho office and caromed on the
ear of the caller.
That waa our baseball editor who
did that," explained Barney coolly.
"Force of habit, I suppose. He prob
ably imagined ho was throwing a bail
at first base. Don't let that happen
again, Hlgglus." ,
"All right, sir," glibly responded the
young man who bad thrown the pa
per. "Mistake, anyhow. I was aim
ing at the wastebnsket."
"Well, seeing you've' apologised, it is
all right," said Barney, with mock
solemnity. .
"Now, Mr. Hsyseed-I should say
Hayden-you bave already been intro
duced to our baseball and society edi
tors, and if you will cast your optics
ovor the rest of the collection of gen
iuses before you I will enlighten you
aa to their duties, so that when you go
back to the farm you will understand
the secret of the Argua' success in
gathering and disseminating the dally
newa of the entire world, Including the
city and county of Boomopolts.
Tho exceedingly tali, thin young
man with the short hair and promi
nent ears Is Mr. Terklus, our secret
service reporter and war correspond
ent. His build, aa you will notice, flts
blm admirably for the position. He Is
ao thin he can crawl over a transom
without the slightest difficulty."
"You dou't say!"
"Fact, I assure you. And that is
why a thin man has a marked advan
tage over a 200 pounder. - It requires
less gas to carry him, and if bo falls
from a balloon It doesn't muss him up
so much aa it would a fat man, there
by effecting a big saving la doctors'
bills for repairing broken ribs, etc."
"I see. Quito an Idea, that"
"Yes, and, besides, a thin man oc
cupies leas space and leaves more room
In the basket of tho balloon for the
wireless message apparatus. You see,
as fast as the war correspondent In a
balloon gets a message ready to send
in to the paper he grinds It out on a
wireless sending machine, .something
like a phonograph, and it goes flying
off Into space until it strikes the Aerial
Wireless Telegraph line, over which it
whhuses through the air with almost
lightning speed .until it reaches -the
Argus office. It would do you good to
see our office boy catching the mes
sages in a wire basket aa they come
flying in at the window."
' "Well, well!"
. "Oh, I tell you there is a pile to
learn about the newspaper business
when a fellow once sets about it Now,
I rather Imagine you've learned a few
things In that line today, Mr. Hayseed
I mean Hayden that you never
knew before." . 1
."I reckon. I bave picked up Just a
ft
40
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