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About The Eugene City guard. (Eugene City, Or.) 1870-1899 | View Entire Issue (Jan. 13, 1900)
In the TVOESTO MARKET TVlth j.H-ll fir , ,b. I. "P fans If A-'1 f.rP"b r D01, "! 1 i nulls tb other's leg: 1S tar pretty UMtaJ crct v " (lnliblH must be Just right, 0P.. BfJ 2 LptrtMtloM by. J',,, be market folk, by BUMS 3rfTo .rkrf goosl . p-v doM the mtrkrttag WljSrtwUh pride she till.; i-ilo" useless thine. 1 Eicr pt W M,!t Orli an Timet-Democrat ,,,! Nick of Time. 2 fUE widow Carney came out of i,rr two-room shanty beyond the dump Nbe stood erect lu the j-jj HUblDO, looking over a net JJrt of railroad track, across to tho ,lfi,oUsc trbaro KatDlaoo had taken MtVUin1! dinner. Nellie Carney juitlll little more than a girl. Her fvt was arch and sweet, her eyes jjht her Imlr black nml eurly. The tii blew lier eullco dress away from fine figure. adiI you ay that she's a widow," ja Conover remarked to Fergus. $oClong 1 venture." TUree year," .aid Fergus, panting a jtu. "Not for any fault of the b'ys. pi a little uppish, Ih Nellie Cnrney. pbil were a tlreinan nn' like to be en jIubt wan day. but the greasers down Coyote pnss finished him wan night , ,:i (bey attai'ked the train. Com pany five, her the rlnt nv the limine uur. to' .he keeps boarders for tutt.' That li how John Conover met Nolly Carney. He was getting ready to go to the mines. lie had Just come from tbe Eastern States nnd had a claim up Iboat Tohy's creek that his brother had left him when he died the year before. He did not s.iy much about himself to lorone. lie took his meats with the widow Carney for a week or so, and bonked In with Fergus O'llare. Ho aid be was getting Ills outfit. Nellie Cirney did some sewing for him, uml the; sat together evenings, while Kath leen slept beside them. One of these evenings John Conover leemeil to he very thoughtful. At last he took a sudden resolution. "Nelly," he hcgan, gently, "I'm going tptoa rough place, but I've got u no tion to take you along." "It takes two to make a bargain, Mr. Copover." "Not this hargaln. I know you'll go. 4r. I'm only wondering If It'll pay yon. Jim always stuck to It that creek cilia was hound to pan out. If It does, rotund Kathleen will be tlxed for life. If It don't you might have a tough time. Shall we go dowu to the 'squire to-morrow. Nell?" Nelly took a night's sleep on It. and In the morning consented to go up country with John Conover. They ere married one day, and set out the neit. taking the little child with them. It seemed a shame to John Conover thit lie had brought such n pretty crea ture to live In such n wild nnd lone omespot She was happy enough, ap parently the same Nelly that be bad leenon the dump that spring day. The more ho hived her the more he brooded over her siiiTlllce of n home and friends mong civilized people. He worked nrd, and the next summer made a Jood find In a hole nnd sent her back to Sn Francisco with a small fortune nd Instructions to put Kathleen Into a eourent, where she could have school lo and he made a lady of for the fu ture. We In n hotel Is n great educator, biy after day Mrs. Conover went 'tout, saw great plays, read novels, vlilted her child, and enjoyed exist- . She received John's Infrequent letters with a positive alarm. Suppose "should send for her to return. She fould close her eyes nnd see the great. (1Mk. snow topped mountain wall, the toush cabin close under the shadow, 'ue brawling waters of the mountain torrent. In dreams she heard the rimming voice of the wind among the plm. bought, the scream of the wild Mules-thnt was all. She missed John t nrst w ith all the passion of her Im pulsive nature; but, as time went on, J loaning grew less tierce, and she kttlbt would rather never return than to go now when life was so full of Piety and novelty. tine day Fergus O'llare came to see wr. The colored servant told her with Pin that the visitor would not write Wi name on a card, innybe couldn't, tag Hushed, for she knew It was but little time since she had been Ignor nt of can formalities, she said she ouhl see him In her own parlor, nnd 'be amused bellboy showed up the 'ltchtnan. Be looked rougher aud "Jr grimy than ever. How do you do, Fergus?" she said. itli a little condescension. WgOl had stopped lu the middle of little ;nrlor. v'Hy Conover! Ol can't bclavc It's same," he said. "" la," she laughed; then In her "Vte-hearted way, "Sit dowu. Fergus. ' " Klad to see you. You should see fcsthleen. nIu-'b a fine girl now." tagui would not sit down. He was widently at a loss what to say. lie Wjed his hat uneasily. "N.-iiy Carney, thot wai, 01 must ""fry my wurrd as OI've Tim Mlake In e place down In the yard. OI've some t"rrd of John Conover from a dlrthy Lb nee that OI've befriended wunst or tlce. He told me, Nelly Carney, thot John has mint.. i,ii e.,i...i . i... . .. . iuiuii hi mm, mi t three ov the worst mln in San 'janclsco are to be afther not only wiTV hu'" ,aken 001 n'rlddy. but It "l be his life for his claim out there bejant" NUj Conover had risen. All the Cat lady dropped from her. She ran to Fergus mid caught his hand. "Fergus, Fergus, ye're n friend In deed! Come away with me to John, (let Tim. Denny and Jerry nnd one of the other beys we can deMnd on. there! plenty of money. v win go faster than any ; I) Fergus, help me for old lime's sake." "We've DO Inline thin, to lose," quoth Fergus. "For thot gang Is away three boon mo. Be ready whin i come with the b'ys." An hour or two Inter Nelly was ready. She had been to the convent to kiss Kathleen, she had dressed herself In her coarse mountain clothing again. Tin xt train north bore the Irishman and Nelly to the little station where she had decided i" get off. It was a short cut, rough nnd dan gerous, that Nelly made up ber mind to lead her followers. It was one by Which John Conover used to secretly transM)rt his gold. Several times she had tramped with him up nnd down the pass. She calculated that she could arrive nn hour or two after the attack ing party If they pusb I forward nil night. A terrible energy possessed Nelly. Her eyes iboOS with terror and anxiety. Could they reach John In time? As they plunged onward In the dark slie registered n vow never to leave John Conover again If his life was spared. Toward dawn the party were In sight of Toby's creek. Nelly pointed with stinking linger nt the hut near the mountain side. There wns n light In the cabin The party crept up stealth ily. Nelly crawled on her hands nnd knees to the back window. The sight within froze her blood. John Conover wns tied nnd bound before the tire until he wns perfectly helpless. Three men Were torturing htm. ludlnn rnshlon, by applying burning sticks to his feet. He would not sign away his claim. Nelly drew back one second and Fer gus took her plnce. A settled grny look came Into the fnce of the big switch mnn. He motioned the next man. nnd nil drew their pistols. Fergus crept to the door, motioning Nelly to protect herself. There wns a sudden crash-In Of the door, three shots nnd a dash at the window. Nelly fired the pistol thnt she held straight Into the face of the man who came first. John Conover wns nlways a badly crippled man. He had expected no succor, but he knew Nelly well enough to think she would never relinquish the claim only over his own signature, hardly then. He bad resigned himself to die that she might have a fortune. It wns a snatch from the grave for him. Every one knows the Conorers on the two continents. The claim was one of the three best In California. Kathleen wns such a fabulous heiress she could have married a dozen titles, but she chose a plain American. She had a young half brother, who, strange as It may seem, was called Fergus from the .first. He was n famous athlete In nn Fastern college lu the '70b, nnd mar ried an English girl of family. Nelly Conover, a lovely, white-haired old lady, may often be seen in the picture galleries and pleasure gardens of conti nental cities, walking beside the wheel chair of a genial old gentleman, she kept her vow. No time since that awful hour on the mountain side lias she been from John Couover's side. MARS IS INHABITED. HORSES NOT YtT SUPERSEDED. Automobiles Will Continue Too Kx- pensive for Common i - . When the bicycle became so popular several years ago the cuthuslusts claim ed that the death knell of the horse had been sounded They argued that It didn't cost anything to keep a bicycle, w hile a horse, when he wasn't being used, was eating Ids head off. Hut the horse survived uud the bicycle fell from popular favor. Now the automobile appears on the scene, and weagaln hear talk of a b irseless age. "To be sure, the automobile is rery expensive as yet," the enthusiast will tell you, "but that condition of affairs cnuuut last loug. See how the bicycle wns forced dowu In price." Then be will tell you that the horse Is doomed. Bo forgets that the mere cost of nn automobile Is only an Item. A Philadelphia lawyer, who has Just returned from Furls, which is automobile eraay, Kays that the coBt of maintaining one wouiu bank rupt the ordinary clt.zen. "There are plenty to choose from," he remarked, with steam, gasoline, petroleum or electric motors. These range In price froui IjUou for a motor cycle to 3,ihhj for heavy rigs sutublu for carrying four persons and a driver. While In Fai ls 1 busied myself to the extent of finding out how much it cost to operate one of these carriages, l'or a year It's I about as follows: Uasollne, $87.00 lub- rlcatlng oil, fi.-lo; repairs to carriage, $1UZ50; repairs to machinery, $is.'; repairs to Urea, S'JT.uO; sundries, jot.su; depreciation, i:.o; uix, tfou; servant, ! $'JliO. That makes a total of a7 To. Remember, this is ror cans, wwm calculations nrc baaed upon the actual experience of a friend of mine. Hut they can't vary much luthls couutry." Fblladelphla ltccord. the When Henry Irving; Was Hissed. "I was hissed every night for a week when 1 was playing the provinces about .1. Ilcn V lilt Vi : I ' 1 i "aid Henry Irving ! to a writer lu AJnslce's, "I was given an engagement as leadlug man lu a very mall theater, and before 1 made my bow to the audience I learned that the man whose place I hod taken was very popular lu the vicinity, and that the I people strongly disapproved of the way In which the management had forced I blm to retire, so that when I made my ! appearance the audlenes showed their disapproval of the manager by strongly hissing the successor to their favorite. I and they kept It up for a week. It was a very unhappy wees tor uic. Pretty Stiff. Corn Is pretty plentiful out hrro Interrogated the new arrival at Atcttl- """Well, I should say so," responded tbf citizen. "Why corn Is so plentiful out here neighbor, that the laundries us, cornstarch In your shirts. It's too com mon for pudding." A book thnt will amuse you during ,ir fnils to amuse you at night. . I.... Nluht Is a wlien you are cousin to dental, PEOPLE DWELL ,N CUR PLAN ETARY NtlQHBOa, fhli Claim cr ConMsatli mi 'lcrly Adv anced l Ibllled liei nun IctsntUI Impt-obobls tut Com anaicatlon Will Rvsr e tatebltahetk "Is Mars Inhabited ?" hat been asked very often during recent yearn, and has engaged the serious attention of tnutiy sstronomers, ond inpeclaily of i. Caullle Flammarlon, u uotcd IfrCDCb scientist ami author. Some uew light hi now throwu on this subject by i'rof Frust Hneckel, an em inent Cerma'i philosopher, In a book entitled "World Problems." After pointing out that men have studied the heavens for more than 4.;(X) years and have only been studying thein .clves for the last half century, he says we may safely assume that the many llxed stars whose 1 gbt tcqulres thou sands of years to reach us, are suus, sml are surrounded by planets and worlds similar to thoe we know. Wo may ulso assume, he holds, that thou snuds of these planets have arrived ut the same stage of development as our world, and It naturally follows that on them the same conditions of life prevail ns on this earth, and there Is no valid renson why human beings should not live there as they do here. Prof. Hneckel takes care to explain that there are doubtless many piHtiets the temperature of which is such that life, as we understand the term, cannot be sustained on them. He thinks It very probable that there are types of anlinnls and plants on some planets which nn- not to be found on this earth. According to him. It Is very likely that the biogenetic process exists on Mars. Venus and possibly some other planets of our system, ns well ns on planets of other solar systems, but plants on thes.- plnuets have reached a higher stage of development than has been reached by animals and plants of this earth. If we assume that Mars Is Inhabited and I'rof. Hneckel seems pretty well satisfied thnt It Is we must nsauine. he holds, that the men end women whose home Is ol) the planet are not such ns We, but of n far higher type. Tin y may resemble us exteriorly, but they are free from our physical defects and excel us In strength and gracefulness. It Is In the Intellectual sphere, how cut. that their superiority Is most clearly shown. If there art human beings on these plnuets, wiys I'rof. Hneckel, It Is extremely probable that they far sur pass ordinary men nnd wouicu In In telligence. Another question often asked is: "Will we ever be nbie to communicate with the Inhabitants of distant planets?" I'rof. Haeckel'S reply Is that tlieie Is very little probability of nny direct communication ever being established. His reasons are because the earth Is such n gnat distance from Mars and other planets, nnd because the condi tion of the Hlr between the earth and these planets Is such ns to render direct communication by any menus at present kuowu to us Impossible. whst may he termed, to put It nVbtlV. a virago, nnd held Ulngstormetef la absolute SUbjot t'ou. I he I ,m lamer r. t UTUC I to ti e family earavan one evening In i state of hilar Ity which made blm Ice! thai be would better postpone nu In tunic) with hs better half until but condition had WOI U off. lie therefore concluded ut to leep lu the family Quarters, The next morning his wife called b to nt and be explained that he bad been having a UttlO JoUlQcallon aud did not arlah to disturb her slumbers ou his return. "Where did you sleep 1" she demand ad, "in the cage wllb the I as," he ;e plied meekly. ''Coward 1" hissed Mrs. Uingstermelei with o look us of one robbed of her ju-t dues. Life. neve that some 1 lUfjej ..if. a .l thing win happen which he kuows arm not. "UNCLt TOM'S CABIN" POPULAR Kitruordinury Siicccm of a Pluy Which II. i- Run Since IMA Can any farce-comedy or even any play thut "Comea out right" beast of such eternal popularity aa"Unela Tom's Cabin," which Is not even well made? Does any of them last more than three years? "1,'ncle Tom's Cabin" has been running since 1852. The political prob lem ou which It was founded has beeu settled for more than thirty-live yenrs, yet the play goes on. Consider how many see It durlug the year. This particular company shows from Ken tucky to Canada, from Minneapolis In the weal to St. Johns or Halifax In the east, sometimes lu bams, sometimes in i-reat thentcrs. but always to big busl- nesson the average. In Kur Harbor, Me., the hall had only four rOWl of broken church news lu It. and the manager had to get together planks and boxes to seat the people on. It rained pitchforks, and et a little more than JtlOO came In at be box office. That wns because the people had nothing else to go to, you w-iii snv. At Bnrlnaflald. Mass., the management cleared cleared, mind you -In two performances In olie lny a tritle less than $H(HJ. During the eight months of the season an average of l,QM persous a day patronize this com pany'! production; In the four months of the tenting season the average at tendance Is about iioO. Assume that these figures are correct- nnd they cn li mit be far out of the way -aud a little figuring will show that In the year I'.'H.-liN) people nttended the perform ance. The proprietor has two companies. Say that No. 2 does very poorly and shows to only about 15o,000 In the course of tho year, Thar In a rival company which the p oprleb radmltsdoeaaamueh business as his. Those three togetlier will muse a million people, or one in every seventy-two In the population of the (Jolted States, that see "Fncle Tom's Cabin" during the yenr. But there nre four to eight other rivals, sneered nt by such a 'first class show as the one here d, icrlbed, w bleb must do some bnslne s , h,.y would not be able to keep on the road. ' Allow thnt altogether they show to 1500,000 persons. That Is a million and n half. Allow two feet to each persons thus standing in line fair "Uncle Tom's Cabin," the line would be Ml miles long. In the m inter season this show orr.es ixty people, whose salaries, big ami little, will average $15 a week. "St. Clair." who must be a good all-round mau, "neat dresser and double in brass." Is worth from 40 to S-to a w eek. You , an get Toms" for 18, but this particu lar "Tom" Is a colored man (realism rog seel, Slid Is considered very good, lie gets $2.', a week. "Topsy No. 1" gem J'-'' and "Topsy No. 2" 10. Bum- mer salaries are SO per cent smaller, rhe show runs then loss to make ,v than to keep the people together nd to umke the live stock earn board money. They eat Just as much Idle as employed. The largo choruses are let and' the scenery stored. UonseU' nt Iv the summer show keeps as far away from the scene of Ita winter triumphs as Ksilble.-2ljMaane-Morr tetrrfl than the I, ions. Mrs Hlngsterraeler, the wife of Mr. Hiugsteruieler. the HOI tamer, wan A muslclnn, whose Bngllsb Is not ns perfect ns his music, while conducting a festival at Littleton, X. II., was called upon to Introduce n soloist. He did It lu this fashion: "Lathes uud chentletuen, I haf twene esked Intro doose to you Meester Vllder to play for ynu a flood solo; 1 haf now done so, und he vl 11 now do so." Ernest McOaffey. poet and benedict, wns approached soon after his mar riage by a lady who said to blm: "Oh, Mr. McCaffey, I bnve Just Seen your wife for the tlrst time since your mar riage. I had supposed that she was n taller woman. She seems shorter than when I saw her last." "Certainly.' re plied the poet, solemnly, "she has mar ried and settled down, you know.'' An old farmer who had been to the city was describing to his friends the splendor of the hotel lie stayed at. "everything was perfect," suld he; "all but one thlng-they kept the light burning all night lu my bed room, a thing I alu't used to." "Well," said one of his listeners, "why didn't you blow It out?" HBl0W It out:'' said the farmer; "how could I? The pesky thing wnR Inside a bottle." One day a frleud came rushing Into Survey's room, waving a paper. "What's the matter?" Inquired the critic. "Here's some one," cried the other, "who has been calling you 'un Imbecile' lu print! Are you going to challenge blmf Barcey smiled. "Cer tainly uot," he replied: "I owe him my thanks. .The public will soon forget the word 'Imbecile.' and will only re member having read my name." One of the leaders of the Qreenaurt Chnutauijua In Maine Is Dr. Lewis X. James. At the recent summer session there were lecturers numberless from all over the win Id. Meeting a friend, the doctor asked him how he was en joying himself. "Finely, up to yester day, when I beard Prof. X." "Didn't he lecture well?" "Not nt all; he slm nlv told us what he didn't know." "Is he still talking?" queried the doctor n. he walked away. Two Hostou men. on their way to Taunton on their bicycles, stopped at a farm house for bread and milk. A small boy of six or thereabouts seemed Interested In them, aud offered to do the "cuke walk" for two cents. After the nerforniuuce they Invited him to have a cooky. He took one without nil v acknowledgment, when one of them asked, "Do you know what thank von' la lu Fngllsh?" Without nny hesitation tiie younger made an swer. "Do vou know what 'shut up' Is In French?" Once when Edouard I'nllleron, the nuthor of "Le Monde ou l'on S'eunule dining nt Mine. Aubernon do Xervllle'a, ventured to Interrupt by a subdued murmur one of Caro's lengthy perora tlons, he was promptly quenched by their hostess: "By and by, I'nllleron; vou shall speak In your turn." euro's discourse only finished when desseit was ou the table. At Its conclusion ' Mine. Aubernon turned encouragingly towurd the Interrupter: "Xow It's your I turn Pailteron. what was it you Wished to say?" "1 merely wished to ask for a second helping of peas," was the unexpected rejoinder. The first appearance of the Wuldeck ltousseau ministry before the Chumhct of Deputies In Furls was the occasion of an UnSUally stormy session. Most of the attacks were made against the War Minister, (iulllfet, who sat quietly on the ministerial bench. Fvery now and then he Inquired of a colleague the names of the most violent speakers, which he at once Jotted down. "What nre you doing?" one of the ministers asked him. "Just what you see, nn svvered tialllfet; "taking these fel lows' names down." "What for? To have them shot, I suppose?" "Xo; to in vlte them to supper:" was lialllfet's reply. rCRTUNES :N TOYS. ooatfh Wniiiiiu foi no Nan WheCsa invent , Pepalsi Puns!, The thief penny lOJ How monj in de mand I. something of a met nantcal kind, either la the "I p of ' wo k n ; model or puxa'c, the ii kind of loy, with no movement, tut winch slniplj wus mads to e looked at, i of no use to day, Of de most popular penny toys, during the Inst half century, moro than one dealer gave me full particu lar. About lSd'J or so then was a tremendous run on penny watches with Imitation go'd chain.: And lbs man ager of a famous linn told DM DOW cm rlOUSly this tsuie abOUt, It was all due to a woman wboatood near the Mansion house. It seems. This hawker colored a piece of thin board vv It ti black velvet, uud, cutting out holes for tlli ponuy watches, placed the latter ll them, with ti gold" chains twurtsxi attractively round. Then she called out loudly I "A lovely wnlch and CDalB for a (H-i.ti) "' People leznn to I u rapidly, nud time nfter lime that dav she replenished her stock and s Id out again. Other hawkers learned of It. aud within three days this penny watch had become quite a rage all over Fug land. The toy linns were simply "mob bed" for It by the hawkers. One llrni alone sold over D.tHM gross In thic months; and the maker, a PreMbUMn In l'arls, had to put down new nVBCblD cry nmi keep ins ractory go og nigm and day for four months to supply the demand. There Is a fortune now waltlns tot the man w ho can Invent a pusals Hi it will take the place which the "flfteon puzzle" once had. or the famous "pigs in clover, I was Informed, on the very highest authority, thnt more than one regular street seller of toys could be pointed out to me who had often made over 'J0 a week; and that tin weekly was by no means unusual for many of them to make during a good run of a popular artlcie. Fngllsh Illustrated. MADE STEAM W.TH HIS MOUTH How a CliiHu-llloncr Won Print After Manx Mud Knllcd. In one of the great squares of St. Petersburg, layt the Youth's Compan ion, stands a magnificent column Ifici feet in height, erected to commemorate the reign of the Czar Alexander I., the ally and afterward the rival of Xapo Icon, On one occasion of n public eel ebratlou the lircselit Czar wished to have the great shaft Illuminated, and round lamps of an enormous size wen ordered from a leading glass manufao tory. After two or three experiments the Workmen discovered to their colisterna tlou that it seemed Impossible to blow the bulbs so large by the force ol human breath. The blowers blew till they were utterly exhausted, but tin bulbs remained far below the required else. A handsome print was offered to the first successful blower, and the nun renewed their efforts, but to uo purpose At last a big fellow, shaped like a bar rel. stepped forward nud quietly re marked that he was sure he could do the trick, The crowd laughed good hutnoredlv. but the man merely said: "1 want to rinse my month) It's dry. They cave blm a cup of water. H rinsed ids mouth, taking plenty of time. and then applied his lips to the tube Slowly and steadily the ball of glass crow. Soon It reached the dimensions. of Its nearest rival. Then It beeunu blk-L-er. until It approached the required size. Then It attained It. Then It pass ed It. "Stnn stoi)"' cried the crowd. "It's getting too big." und the foreman ad iled. "How did you do It?" "Where Is my money?" said the man by way of reply. When he felt the rubles In his palm nn mrmslnn of genial satisfaction overspread Ids rough features. "Why, It's easy!" said he then he explained how he had retained some of the wat-r In his mouth, how h had gradually blown It Into the molt n ball, and how the expanding steam had Instantly came to his assistance. HUMOR OF THE WEEK blORlES TOLD BY FUNNY Oh THE PRESS. MEN (i4i, Cntlooa and f naghsMt Phases or Human. Nature Branlileatljt Pec tvajrod Kmlaeut urj As Hots ef One Own Dai a Budget f t'un. "So our friend is going to lenve poll tlrt?" "He i." answered fionator nor- ghum, "If be kuuws what's good for blm." "It Is too bad to lose Mm. He was. such nn accomplished wire puller." "Yes; but he got hold of a live wire." - Washington Stnr. More Hlorlen. Mis Muggins Your house has three stories, hnsn t It? Mr the! rnre vrd. Didn't Suit tier. Mm. Neighbors I understand your cool, has Klvcti you notice. hat s the trouble? Mrs. Suburban I don't know; but 1 think shw doesn't like my cooking. - Chicago Xcwh. As Tlie v COWS, A doctor cannot very well cnoose oil patients." "Why. no. I suppose If he could DO ouldn't have such au III assorted lot." -l'hlladclphla llulletln. A C.ullunt Suitor. and "KBHI'Uli'd." A teacher In a Boston suburban public school received the following "eggs CUOO" from the mother of a boy who hail failed to be present on a certain day; DOUr Teacher: Please eggsctise And rew James for not having went to school yesterday. He started all right, but him and another boy stopped for a llttlt SWlm IH the river, and n dog come along and enrried off Andrew James' Spantl und shirt and he had to stay In the water until the other boy came home and got more pants and shirts for Dim, and then It was too late. Under the tlrcumstances you could not expect him to be there so kindly eggscuse. Rharp Itrply or Woman Hector. lr. Fmlly Hhickwell, one of tht pioneers of her sex In medicine, beards young physician deliver a fierce dla tribe against opening the doors of the profession to w omen. When he OCBSSd she asked: "Will you please tell DH one reusou why they should not prm -tice medicine?" "Certain ly, madam; they haven't the muscle, the brawn, the physical strength." "I see, sir. Yout . micoptlonof a sick room 1 a alaughter house; mine la uot." Walk of a Lifetime. A ressonably active man walks about 217.2UO miles more than 10 timet the carth'a circumference In M years, Junf w ulkiug about his house aud omce. A Oirl as Innkeeper. A girl who Is making a venture In the right direction Is one who proposes ! Ingnii old-fashioned country lull lu i nnnnlar mountain district. "1 inn sure," she suys, "thnt the automoitlh w ill create a demand for ouch places. People will begin to travel as they used to do In the days of the stuge coach nud, of course, they will need places nt which to stoii for the night. They will not care about going to regular hotels even If such places were to be found 111 the country. Ho 1 am going to innke my place as much ns possible like the Inns we read about In old novels and run across once In a great While when traveling In Fnglaud. 1 am going to have old-fashioned high bedsteads, with dimity valances, etc., but I'm going to be sure that they an- comfortable, even If I have to put In wire springs; and my floors will be sanded and rush covered ami the chimneys will bnve great open fireplaces In which thON will be big roaring fires. Mark my word for It the automobile w III open a new field for women real, womanly women, who know how to raise poultry, keep n good table and nn Immaculate bouse. Baltimore Herald. An Old Timer. A crowd of young men were Seated In one of the steamboat offices In the city the other nfternooti while nn old steam boat veteran regaled them with stories about old times on the Mississippi and reminiscences of old time citizens. Did you know old Hill Jones?" nsked one o f the men. after tho captain had finished relating how he inn a ganth of Indians with his boat 'wuy hack In the furtlea. " 'Member Mill Jones? Well. I guess I did," replied the captain. "It's eel he died Just after the war. He wns a irood old fellow, too. I knew bis father before he wus married to MIH'a mother One of the boys thought the old man waa "doidtig," and, by way of trlppluu him up on his dates, asked: "Cap, how lonir have vou I.e. i, ruunlug on the river" Who. me? Why, I started on the Mississippi when It was not bin' but creek." Memphis Scimitar. Every fall the women put up "plent) of 'preserver" and bava none after Christ maa. The w hlr r r of the ulurtu cluck U uu ere-opsMBh pTtironlc EOWOjinOfO) fttnbb I ri-a'i about -oine mnn whi drabh a quart of whl-k) without stop plug. I'. nn Why. that Is nothing. Look a' old Rodder; drank barrel after bar rel without stopping, And be wouldn't have stopped yel if b bnd lived. Staite K. nli .in. Knilth (after the perfi nuance) Well old mau, what did you think of tht show ? Jonei -Oreai! T'iirtt i hurch Mens wai the a'-m of realism, smith So it was. I actually wnt to sleep while it was on. Bore on Kerv limly. Muggins That fellow looks II though he wereoors on everybody, What's bit name? Bugglni Bo; le rii ladolphla ord. i he Alternative, A . . I Mrs. Bttggtns Thnt depends. When, ffrjlft& " IL r. Muggins comes home very late Ui ,- ..'' -7 "vC? ere are more stories than 1 would ' "SP J " t l. ire to enumerate, Pbluvdelpbla Boo- ' J .r ; I v X-i I ' rJ 1 13 1 1 all Why. Mr. Iteglnall. you're Into c lu' dis evenln . Mr. Beginall Hope you'll excuse me, Miss Desdeiioiuy; you see It was ills wny; 1 had ter go tor bed, tuiike out 1 wur. sleepln', an' then after everything got quiet climb out 00 Wiuuer, au uu dat dikes time, you see! The t ...-. Ida I wonder what It It In surf tilth- teg thnt shocks people. May The strong current, of course. A Hitter ('.i ndue. Dick That gentleman had n narrow escape nt the r.oo the other day. One of the elephants broke his chain uud chased the gentleman ull over the park. Tom You don't say? Did be annoy the beast? Dick No; but the elephant heard that bit enemy waa trylug to promote a peanut trust. Very Poor 8iecliiien. Stubb How heartless the toul be hind the uold! There goes an old tull- tlona'lt that knows not the meaning of the word philanthropy. POM You should not talk like that. Why, that mau gave away over ten mll lloim to the poor last winter. Slnbb -Hlml Penn- Yen. At the sltar he gave away his daughter to a peunlleit count. Don't you think she is worth over ten alHtonsI MNJudited. The doctor Well. Mrs. Miirnes, must offer you my congratulations. hear you've married again And have yon given up your occupation of wnsh- Ing? Mrs. Barnes O. no, sir. But .vou tee, if I "adn't taken 'e I'd 'a' ud to 'a' bOUgfal a donkey: Punch. i rtoioi Sat Raplentla Mrs. Neighbors What a tnrlhlc cough you havel Why don't you cpiu suit your family physician? Mrs. Winters Impossible. He's trav eling for hit health, Comforting, Tom So you loVOd and lost, did fOOl Jack On the contrary; I came out winner. Tom Why. how's that? Didn't yon Just tell me she married another! Jack Yes; but she returned all my presents and accldeiilally put lu acme of the other tellow't. Those I.ovinu rjlrtaa t'bira Did you DO ties that fine-looking gentleman turn nnd look back at DM after he had passedY Maude- Yes. Isn't It queer how little It tukes to turn a man's head? He Well. Mary, today I hnd my life Insured! She Of course, you nlvvaya think of your own precious self! -Meggeiidorfer B setter. Curlo.lty. "Women nre funny creatures,' mused the Janitor philosopher. "Lit wan wom an In th' eardrop 11 letter, an' th' wom an opposite will rolde tin blocks out nv her way troyln' to pick up thot lettl-r w ii 11 no wau Is looklu'." Knew Hi. 1 inn 11, - . Mrs I'lntt (angrily) Oh. you think you know n lot, don't you? Mr. Plan (calmly) Well, i ought to, niy dear. I've 0000 In the real estate business nearly thirty years. Wouldn't This Jar You? "Do you ever see snakes?" asked the Chlcngo man, ns he filled his glass from the decanter. "Never." replied the man from M.is ton. "Hut I have ophidian halluclua tlons occaslutiully." Didn't Shift the Illume. QotroX 1 wish you to kuow that I am a self-mads man. ( 'villein, How noble of you tunic all that responsibility phla Kecord. DiirliiB the Quurrrt. Hubby (angrily) Whatever goes. Wife (sweetlyl Of course It doe-, dear. You suy It to loud that It goes all over the neighborhood.- -.New York World. Little Drops, Mack O'lt'-ll We American! sre si wayt hitting it the Britons nlsiut com ing over here and dropping their u't. Luke Warine Yes; but no one ever object to tfema coming over here and dropping their X's tnd V'a, tlnlnekj in Love. Harry So you got the mitten twice? Molatid Yes, hut they were not s match. - Philadelphia Bulletin, An Utiti'.itftd 1 1 in, Im ud. A. No, elr; I have been grossly de ceived In you! 1 cun uever take your hand again! B. Kor what reason? A. Why. I had lieen given to under stand by mutual friends that you WOTO about to run away with my wife, and -er I find my wife Is still ut home: Ally 8loper. In Ills Kuvnr. BtUbb That man ought to be engaged In the butlnet of moving furniture. Penn- Why so? BtUbb BeCaUSS his name begins With Vnn. Cut It Bhort t Mack O'Bell That French barber Is cute. Luke Wtrnie It he? Mack O'Bell Yes. I accused him ' having hacks In his razor. He tune I around with an oily smile and chuckled: "Did monsieur eakspeet SS razor to hsve te horteleiw eurrlnges?" 1 1 ..ni -1 I toy I "I nm glad there are a few honeet poo pie left. Two years ngo 1 sent a boy around the comer to buy a postal card. I have never seen the boy to this day." "Y'011 don't call thnt boy honest?" "Yes, air! This morning I received a postal with this on the back: 'Dear Hlr: Here Is your postal. 1 started In bualnOM with th penny you gave mo nud have prospered, Thanks.'" to at l'blladel I lay Friendly Advice. Bluff I'd have you know, tlr, thnt I'm a self nude man. t'.ruff Well, I'm sorry for you, but keep It dark nnd don't worry, and per haps you'll get along all light. Natural Inference. "It seems strange that you never re ceived a proposal of ninrrlnge," re marked the sarcastic girl. "Who says I never received a proposal of marriage!" demanded the other, "Why, no one, of couroo, but I've always understood thnt you are a spinster."- Chicago Post. Hoda Water llellevra Hunaer. Doctors are iiilng cnrbonlc water (plain soda water) now to relievo hun ger In the cases of patlentstowhom food cannot be giv en. The carbonic acid gas lessens the sense of hunger, not becauso It has any sustaining qualities, but be cause It presses 011 the solar plexus, and the solar plexus, besides being useful when one fellow wants to knock out another fellow mall. Is the seat of hunger, The sense of gnawing aud "goneness" and of raven ous hunger nil arises from irritation In this part of the body, and the C0J bonic noid gus offsn checks the symp toms absolutely. Of course, the rem tdy Is useful only Where the sense ol hunger Is due more to artificial Irrlta tlou thnn to actual want of food. In the latter ease soda water would prove decidedly useless. Meefsieak still holds the fort for that ailment kuown as appetite. Nwlt t'o-operilvrt Hoc-letlet. gallon land has at present Mi co-oper olives uisoclstlom fur beyiug food, wltb m,V10 nivmbvrs. o