In the
TVOESTO MARKET
TVlth j.H-ll fir ,
,b. I. "P
fans If A-'1 f.rP"b r D01,
"! 1 i nulls tb other's leg:
1S tar pretty UMtaJ crct
v "
(lnliblH must be Just right,
0P..
BfJ 2 LptrtMtloM by.
J',,, be market folk, by BUMS
3rfTo .rkrf goosl
. p-v doM the mtrkrttag
WljSrtwUh pride she till.;
i-ilo" useless thine.
1 Eicr pt W M,!t
Orli an Timet-Democrat
,,,!
Nick of Time. 2
fUE widow Carney came out of
i,rr two-room shanty beyond the
dump Nbe stood erect lu the
j-jj HUblDO, looking over a net
JJrt of railroad track, across to tho
,lfi,oUsc trbaro KatDlaoo had taken
MtVUin1! dinner. Nellie Carney
juitlll little more than a girl. Her
fvt was arch and sweet, her eyes
jjht her Imlr black nml eurly. The
tii blew lier eullco dress away from
fine figure.
adiI you ay that she's a widow,"
ja Conover remarked to Fergus.
$oClong 1 venture."
TUree year," .aid Fergus, panting a
jtu. "Not for any fault of the b'ys.
pi a little uppish, Ih Nellie Cnrney.
pbil were a tlreinan nn' like to be en
jIubt wan day. but the greasers down
Coyote pnss finished him wan night
, ,:i (bey attai'ked the train. Com
pany five, her the rlnt nv the limine
uur. to' .he keeps boarders for
tutt.'
That li how John Conover met Nolly
Carney. He was getting ready to go
to the mines. lie had Just come from
tbe Eastern States nnd had a claim up
Iboat Tohy's creek that his brother had
left him when he died the year before.
He did not s.iy much about himself to
lorone. lie took his meats with the
widow Carney for a week or so, and
bonked In with Fergus O'llare. Ho
aid be was getting Ills outfit. Nellie
Cirney did some sewing for him, uml
the; sat together evenings, while Kath
leen slept beside them.
One of these evenings John Conover
leemeil to he very thoughtful. At last
he took a sudden resolution.
"Nelly," he hcgan, gently, "I'm going
tptoa rough place, but I've got u no
tion to take you along."
"It takes two to make a bargain,
Mr. Copover."
"Not this hargaln. I know you'll go.
4r. I'm only wondering If It'll pay
yon. Jim always stuck to It that creek
cilia was hound to pan out. If It does,
rotund Kathleen will be tlxed for life.
If It don't you might have a tough
time. Shall we go dowu to the 'squire
to-morrow. Nell?"
Nelly took a night's sleep on It. and
In the morning consented to go up
country with John Conover. They
ere married one day, and set out the
neit. taking the little child with them.
It seemed a shame to John Conover
thit lie had brought such n pretty crea
ture to live In such n wild nnd lone
omespot She was happy enough, ap
parently the same Nelly that be bad
leenon the dump that spring day. The
more ho hived her the more he brooded
over her siiiTlllce of n home and friends
mong civilized people. He worked
nrd, and the next summer made a
Jood find In a hole nnd sent her back to
Sn Francisco with a small fortune
nd Instructions to put Kathleen Into a
eourent, where she could have school
lo and he made a lady of for the fu
ture. We In n hotel Is n great educator,
biy after day Mrs. Conover went
'tout, saw great plays, read novels,
vlilted her child, and enjoyed exist-
. She received John's Infrequent
letters with a positive alarm. Suppose
"should send for her to return. She
fould close her eyes nnd see the great.
(1Mk. snow topped mountain wall, the
toush cabin close under the shadow,
'ue brawling waters of the mountain
torrent. In dreams she heard the
rimming voice of the wind among
the plm. bought, the scream of the wild
Mules-thnt was all. She missed John
t nrst w ith all the passion of her Im
pulsive nature; but, as time went on,
J loaning grew less tierce, and she
kttlbt would rather never return than
to go now when life was so full of
Piety and novelty.
tine day Fergus O'llare came to see
wr. The colored servant told her with
Pin that the visitor would not write
Wi name on a card, innybe couldn't,
tag Hushed, for she knew It was but
little time since she had been Ignor
nt of can formalities, she said she
ouhl see him In her own parlor, nnd
'be amused bellboy showed up the
'ltchtnan. Be looked rougher aud
"Jr grimy than ever.
How do you do, Fergus?" she said.
itli a little condescension.
WgOl had stopped lu the middle of
little ;nrlor.
v'Hy Conover! Ol can't bclavc It's
same," he said.
"" la," she laughed; then In her
"Vte-hearted way, "Sit dowu. Fergus.
' " Klad to see you. You should see
fcsthleen. nIu-'b a fine girl now."
tagui would not sit down. He was
widently at a loss what to say. lie
Wjed his hat uneasily.
"N.-iiy Carney, thot wai, 01 must
""fry my wurrd as OI've Tim Mlake In
e place down In the yard. OI've some
t"rrd of John Conover from a dlrthy
Lb nee that OI've befriended wunst or
tlce. He told me, Nelly Carney, thot
John has mint.. i,ii e.,i...i . i... .
.. . iuiuii hi mm, mi
t three ov the worst mln in San
'janclsco are to be afther not only
wiTV hu'" ,aken 001 n'rlddy. but It
"l be his life for his claim out there
bejant"
NUj Conover had risen. All the Cat
lady dropped from her. She ran to
Fergus mid caught his hand.
"Fergus, Fergus, ye're n friend In
deed! Come away with me to John,
(let Tim. Denny and Jerry nnd one of
the other beys we can deMnd on.
there! plenty of money. v win go
faster than any ; I) Fergus, help me
for old lime's sake."
"We've DO Inline thin, to lose," quoth
Fergus. "For thot gang Is away three
boon mo. Be ready whin i come with
the b'ys."
An hour or two Inter Nelly was ready.
She had been to the convent to kiss
Kathleen, she had dressed herself In
her coarse mountain clothing again.
Tin xt train north bore the Irishman
and Nelly to the little station where she
had decided i" get off.
It was a short cut, rough nnd dan
gerous, that Nelly made up ber mind to
lead her followers. It was one by
Which John Conover used to secretly
transM)rt his gold. Several times she
had tramped with him up nnd down
the pass. She calculated that she could
arrive nn hour or two after the attack
ing party If they pusb I forward nil
night. A terrible energy possessed
Nelly. Her eyes iboOS with terror and
anxiety. Could they reach John In
time? As they plunged onward In the
dark slie registered n vow never to
leave John Conover again If his life
was spared.
Toward dawn the party were In sight
of Toby's creek. Nelly pointed with
stinking linger nt the hut near the
mountain side. There wns n light In
the cabin The party crept up stealth
ily. Nelly crawled on her hands nnd
knees to the back window. The sight
within froze her blood. John Conover
wns tied nnd bound before the tire until
he wns perfectly helpless. Three men
Were torturing htm. ludlnn rnshlon, by
applying burning sticks to his feet. He
would not sign away his claim.
Nelly drew back one second and Fer
gus took her plnce. A settled grny look
came Into the fnce of the big switch
mnn. He motioned the next man. nnd
nil drew their pistols. Fergus crept to
the door, motioning Nelly to protect
herself. There wns a sudden crash-In
Of the door, three shots nnd a dash at
the window. Nelly fired the pistol thnt
she held straight Into the face of the
man who came first.
John Conover wns nlways a badly
crippled man. He had expected no
succor, but he knew Nelly well enough
to think she would never relinquish the
claim only over his own signature,
hardly then. He bad resigned himself
to die that she might have a fortune.
It wns a snatch from the grave for him.
Every one knows the Conorers on the
two continents. The claim was one of
the three best In California. Kathleen
wns such a fabulous heiress she could
have married a dozen titles, but she
chose a plain American. She had a
young half brother, who, strange as It
may seem, was called Fergus from the
.first. He was n famous athlete In nn
Fastern college lu the '70b, nnd mar
ried an English girl of family. Nelly
Conover, a lovely, white-haired old
lady, may often be seen in the picture
galleries and pleasure gardens of conti
nental cities, walking beside the wheel
chair of a genial old gentleman, she
kept her vow. No time since that awful
hour on the mountain side lias she been
from John Couover's side.
MARS IS INHABITED.
HORSES NOT YtT SUPERSEDED.
Automobiles Will Continue Too Kx-
pensive for Common i - .
When the bicycle became so popular
several years ago the cuthuslusts claim
ed that the death knell of the horse had
been sounded They argued that It
didn't cost anything to keep a bicycle,
w hile a horse, when he wasn't being
used, was eating Ids head off. Hut the
horse survived uud the bicycle fell from
popular favor. Now the automobile
appears on the scene, and weagaln hear
talk of a b irseless age. "To be sure,
the automobile is rery expensive as
yet," the enthusiast will tell you, "but
that condition of affairs cnuuut last
loug. See how the bicycle wns forced
dowu In price." Then be will tell you
that the horse Is doomed. Bo forgets
that the mere cost of nn automobile Is
only an Item. A Philadelphia lawyer,
who has Just returned from Furls,
which is automobile eraay, Kays that
the coBt of maintaining one wouiu bank
rupt the ordinary clt.zen. "There are
plenty to choose from," he remarked,
with steam, gasoline, petroleum or
electric motors. These range In price
froui IjUou for a motor cycle to 3,ihhj
for heavy rigs sutublu for carrying
four persons and a driver. While In
Fai ls 1 busied myself to the extent of
finding out how much it cost to operate
one of these carriages, l'or a year It's
I about as follows: Uasollne, $87.00 lub-
rlcatlng oil, fi.-lo; repairs to carriage,
$1UZ50; repairs to machinery, $is.';
repairs to Urea, S'JT.uO; sundries, jot.su;
depreciation, i:.o; uix, tfou; servant,
! $'JliO. That makes a total of a7 To.
Remember, this is ror cans, wwm
calculations nrc baaed upon the actual
experience of a friend of mine. Hut
they can't vary much luthls couutry."
Fblladelphla ltccord.
the
When Henry Irving; Was Hissed.
"I was hissed every night for a week
when 1 was playing the provinces about
.1. Ilcn V lilt Vi : I ' 1 i "aid Henry Irving
! to a writer lu AJnslce's, "I was given an
engagement as leadlug man lu a very
mall theater, and before 1 made my
bow to the audience I learned that the
man whose place I hod taken was very
popular lu the vicinity, and that the
I people strongly disapproved of the way
In which the management had forced
I blm to retire, so that when I made my
! appearance the audlenes showed their
disapproval of the manager by strongly
hissing the successor to their favorite.
I and they kept It up for a week. It was
a very unhappy wees tor uic.
Pretty Stiff.
Corn Is pretty plentiful out hrro
Interrogated the new arrival at Atcttl-
"""Well, I should say so," responded tbf
citizen. "Why corn Is so plentiful out
here neighbor, that the laundries us,
cornstarch In your shirts. It's too com
mon for pudding."
A book thnt will amuse you during
,ir fnils to amuse you at night.
. I.... Nluht Is a
wlien you are
cousin to dental,
PEOPLE DWELL ,N CUR PLAN
ETARY NtlQHBOa,
fhli Claim cr ConMsatli mi
'lcrly Adv anced l Ibllled liei
nun IctsntUI Impt-obobls tut Com
anaicatlon Will Rvsr e tatebltahetk
"Is Mars Inhabited ?" hat been asked
very often during recent yearn, and has
engaged the serious attention of tnutiy
sstronomers, ond inpeclaily of i.
Caullle Flammarlon, u uotcd IfrCDCb
scientist ami author.
Some uew light hi now throwu on this
subject by i'rof Frust Hneckel, an em
inent Cerma'i philosopher, In a book
entitled "World Problems." After
pointing out that men have studied
the heavens for more than 4.;(X) years
and have only been studying thein
.clves for the last half century, he says
we may safely assume that the many
llxed stars whose 1 gbt tcqulres thou
sands of years to reach us, are suus,
sml are surrounded by planets and
worlds similar to thoe we know. Wo
may ulso assume, he holds, that thou
snuds of these planets have arrived ut
the same stage of development as our
world, and It naturally follows that on
them the same conditions of life prevail
ns on this earth, and there Is no valid
renson why human beings should not
live there as they do here.
Prof. Hneckel takes care to explain
that there are doubtless many piHtiets
the temperature of which is such that
life, as we understand the term, cannot
be sustained on them. He thinks It
very probable that there are types of
anlinnls and plants on some planets
which nn- not to be found on this earth.
According to him. It Is very likely that
the biogenetic process exists on Mars.
Venus and possibly some other planets
of our system, ns well ns on planets of
other solar systems, but plants on thes.-
plnuets have reached a higher stage of
development than has been reached by
animals and plants of this earth.
If we assume that Mars Is Inhabited
and I'rof. Hneckel seems pretty well
satisfied thnt It Is we must nsauine. he
holds, that the men end women whose
home Is ol) the planet are not such ns
We, but of n far higher type. Tin y
may resemble us exteriorly, but they
are free from our physical defects and
excel us In strength and gracefulness.
It Is In the Intellectual sphere, how cut.
that their superiority Is most clearly
shown. If there art human beings on
these plnuets, wiys I'rof. Hneckel, It Is
extremely probable that they far sur
pass ordinary men nnd wouicu In In
telligence. Another question often asked is: "Will
we ever be nbie to communicate with
the Inhabitants of distant planets?"
I'rof. Haeckel'S reply Is that tlieie Is
very little probability of nny direct
communication ever being established.
His reasons are because the earth Is
such n gnat distance from Mars and
other planets, nnd because the condi
tion of the Hlr between the earth and
these planets Is such ns to render direct
communication by any menus at present
kuowu to us Impossible.
whst may he termed, to put It nVbtlV.
a virago, nnd held Ulngstormetef la
absolute SUbjot t'ou.
I he I ,m lamer r. t UTUC I to ti e family
earavan one evening In i state of hilar
Ity which made blm Ice! thai be would
better postpone nu In tunic) with hs
better half until but condition had WOI U
off. lie therefore concluded ut to
leep lu the family Quarters,
The next morning his wife called b
to nt and be explained that he bad
been having a UttlO JoUlQcallon aud did
not arlah to disturb her slumbers ou his
return.
"Where did you sleep 1" she demand
ad,
"in the cage wllb the I as," he ;e
plied meekly.
''Coward 1" hissed Mrs. Uingstermelei
with o look us of one robbed of her ju-t
dues. Life.
neve that some
1 lUfjej ..if. a .l
thing win happen which he kuows arm
not.
"UNCLt TOM'S CABIN" POPULAR
Kitruordinury Siicccm of a Pluy Which
II. i- Run Since IMA
Can any farce-comedy or even any
play thut "Comea out right" beast of
such eternal popularity aa"Unela Tom's
Cabin," which Is not even well made?
Does any of them last more than three
years? "1,'ncle Tom's Cabin" has been
running since 1852. The political prob
lem ou which It was founded has beeu
settled for more than thirty-live yenrs,
yet the play goes on. Consider how
many see It durlug the year. This
particular company shows from Ken
tucky to Canada, from Minneapolis In
the weal to St. Johns or Halifax In the
east, sometimes lu bams, sometimes in
i-reat thentcrs. but always to big busl-
nesson the average. In Kur Harbor, Me.,
the hall had only four rOWl of broken
church news lu It. and the manager had
to get together planks and boxes to seat
the people on. It rained pitchforks, and
et a little more than JtlOO came In at
be box office. That wns because the
people had nothing else to go to, you
w-iii snv. At Bnrlnaflald. Mass., the
management cleared cleared, mind you
-In two performances In olie lny a
tritle less than $H(HJ. During the eight
months of the season an average of
l,QM persous a day patronize this com
pany'! production; In the four months
of the tenting season the average at
tendance Is about iioO. Assume that
these figures are correct- nnd they cn li
mit be far out of the way -aud a little
figuring will show that In the year
I'.'H.-liN) people nttended the perform
ance. The proprietor has two companies.
Say that No. 2 does very poorly and
shows to only about 15o,000 In the
course of tho year,
Thar In a rival company which the
p oprleb radmltsdoeaaamueh business
as his. Those three togetlier will muse
a million people, or one in every
seventy-two In the population of the
(Jolted States, that see "Fncle Tom's
Cabin" during the yenr. But there nre
four to eight other rivals, sneered nt by
such a 'first class show as the one here
d, icrlbed, w bleb must do some bnslne s
, h,.y would not be able to keep on the
road. ' Allow thnt altogether they show
to 1500,000 persons. That Is a million
and n half. Allow two feet to each
persons thus standing in line fair "Uncle
Tom's Cabin," the line would be Ml
miles long.
In the m inter season this show orr.es
ixty people, whose salaries, big ami
little, will average $15 a week. "St.
Clair." who must be a good all-round
mau, "neat dresser and double in brass."
Is worth from 40 to S-to a w eek. You
, an get Toms" for 18, but this particu
lar "Tom" Is a colored man (realism
rog seel, Slid Is considered very good,
lie gets $2.', a week. "Topsy No. 1"
gem J'-'' and "Topsy No. 2" 10. Bum-
mer salaries are SO per cent smaller,
rhe show runs then loss to make
,v than to keep the people together
nd to umke the live stock earn board
money. They eat Just as much Idle as
employed. The largo choruses are let
and' the scenery stored. UonseU' nt
Iv the summer show keeps as far away
from the scene of Ita winter triumphs
as Ksilble.-2ljMaane-Morr
tetrrfl than the I, ions.
Mrs Hlngsterraeler, the wife of Mr.
Hiugsteruieler. the HOI tamer, wan
A muslclnn, whose Bngllsb Is not ns
perfect ns his music, while conducting
a festival at Littleton, X. II., was
called upon to Introduce n soloist. He
did It lu this fashion: "Lathes uud
chentletuen, I haf twene esked Intro
doose to you Meester Vllder to play
for ynu a flood solo; 1 haf now done
so, und he vl 11 now do so."
Ernest McOaffey. poet and benedict,
wns approached soon after his mar
riage by a lady who said to blm: "Oh,
Mr. McCaffey, I bnve Just Seen your
wife for the tlrst time since your mar
riage. I had supposed that she was n
taller woman. She seems shorter than
when I saw her last." "Certainly.' re
plied the poet, solemnly, "she has mar
ried and settled down, you know.''
An old farmer who had been to the
city was describing to his friends the
splendor of the hotel lie stayed at.
"everything was perfect," suld he; "all
but one thlng-they kept the light
burning all night lu my bed room, a
thing I alu't used to." "Well," said
one of his listeners, "why didn't you
blow It out?" HBl0W It out:'' said the
farmer; "how could I? The pesky
thing wnR Inside a bottle."
One day a frleud came rushing Into
Survey's room, waving a paper.
"What's the matter?" Inquired the
critic. "Here's some one," cried the
other, "who has been calling you 'un
Imbecile' lu print! Are you going to
challenge blmf Barcey smiled. "Cer
tainly uot," he replied: "I owe him my
thanks. .The public will soon forget
the word 'Imbecile.' and will only re
member having read my name."
One of the leaders of the Qreenaurt
Chnutauijua In Maine Is Dr. Lewis X.
James. At the recent summer session
there were lecturers numberless from
all over the win Id. Meeting a friend,
the doctor asked him how he was en
joying himself. "Finely, up to yester
day, when I beard Prof. X." "Didn't
he lecture well?" "Not nt all; he slm
nlv told us what he didn't know." "Is
he still talking?" queried the doctor n.
he walked away.
Two Hostou men. on their way to
Taunton on their bicycles, stopped at a
farm house for bread and milk. A
small boy of six or thereabouts seemed
Interested In them, aud offered to do
the "cuke walk" for two cents. After
the nerforniuuce they Invited him to
have a cooky. He took one without
nil v acknowledgment, when one of
them asked, "Do you know what
thank von' la lu Fngllsh?" Without
nny hesitation tiie younger made an
swer. "Do vou know what 'shut up' Is
In French?"
Once when Edouard I'nllleron, the
nuthor of "Le Monde ou l'on S'eunule
dining nt Mine. Aubernon do Xervllle'a,
ventured to Interrupt by a subdued
murmur one of Caro's lengthy perora
tlons, he was promptly quenched by
their hostess: "By and by, I'nllleron;
vou shall speak In your turn." euro's
discourse only finished when desseit
was ou the table. At Its conclusion
' Mine. Aubernon turned encouragingly
towurd the Interrupter: "Xow It's your
I turn Pailteron. what was it you
Wished to say?" "1 merely wished to
ask for a second helping of peas," was
the unexpected rejoinder.
The first appearance of the Wuldeck
ltousseau ministry before the Chumhct
of Deputies In Furls was the occasion
of an UnSUally stormy session. Most of
the attacks were made against the War
Minister, (iulllfet, who sat quietly on
the ministerial bench. Fvery now and
then he Inquired of a colleague the
names of the most violent speakers,
which he at once Jotted down. "What
nre you doing?" one of the ministers
asked him. "Just what you see, nn
svvered tialllfet; "taking these fel
lows' names down." "What for? To
have them shot, I suppose?" "Xo; to in
vlte them to supper:" was lialllfet's
reply.
rCRTUNES :N TOYS.
ooatfh Wniiiiiu foi no Nan WheCsa
invent , Pepalsi Puns!,
The thief penny lOJ How monj in de
mand I. something of a met nantcal
kind, either la the "I p of ' wo k n ;
model or puxa'c, the ii kind of loy,
with no movement, tut winch slniplj
wus mads to e looked at, i of no use
to day, Of de most popular penny
toys, during the Inst half century, moro
than one dealer gave me full particu
lar. About lSd'J or so then was a
tremendous run on penny watches with
Imitation go'd chain.: And lbs man
ager of a famous linn told DM DOW cm
rlOUSly this tsuie abOUt, It was all
due to a woman wboatood near the
Mansion house. It seems. This hawker
colored a piece of thin board vv It ti black
velvet, uud, cutting out holes for tlli
ponuy watches, placed the latter ll
them, with ti gold" chains twurtsxi
attractively round. Then she called
out loudly I "A lovely wnlch and CDalB
for a (H-i.ti) "' People leznn to I u
rapidly, nud time nfter lime that dav
she replenished her stock and s Id out
again. Other hawkers learned of It.
aud within three days this penny watch
had become quite a rage all over Fug
land. The toy linns were simply "mob
bed" for It by the hawkers. One llrni
alone sold over D.tHM gross In thic
months; and the maker, a PreMbUMn
In l'arls, had to put down new nVBCblD
cry nmi keep ins ractory go og nigm
and day for four months to supply the
demand.
There Is a fortune now waltlns tot
the man w ho can Invent a pusals Hi it
will take the place which the "flfteon
puzzle" once had. or the famous "pigs
in clover, I was Informed, on the very
highest authority, thnt more than one
regular street seller of toys could be
pointed out to me who had often made
over 'J0 a week; and that tin weekly
was by no means unusual for many of
them to make during a good run of a
popular artlcie. Fngllsh Illustrated.
MADE STEAM W.TH HIS MOUTH
How a CliiHu-llloncr Won Print
After Manx Mud Knllcd.
In one of the great squares of St.
Petersburg, layt the Youth's Compan
ion, stands a magnificent column Ifici
feet in height, erected to commemorate
the reign of the Czar Alexander I., the
ally and afterward the rival of Xapo
Icon, On one occasion of n public eel
ebratlou the lircselit Czar wished to
have the great shaft Illuminated, and
round lamps of an enormous size wen
ordered from a leading glass manufao
tory.
After two or three experiments the
Workmen discovered to their colisterna
tlou that it seemed Impossible to blow
the bulbs so large by the force ol
human breath. The blowers blew till
they were utterly exhausted, but tin
bulbs remained far below the required
else.
A handsome print was offered to the
first successful blower, and the nun
renewed their efforts, but to uo purpose
At last a big fellow, shaped like a bar
rel. stepped forward nud quietly re
marked that he was sure he could do
the trick, The crowd laughed good
hutnoredlv. but the man merely said:
"1 want to rinse my month) It's dry.
They cave blm a cup of water. H
rinsed ids mouth, taking plenty of time.
and then applied his lips to the tube
Slowly and steadily the ball of glass
crow. Soon It reached the dimensions.
of Its nearest rival. Then It beeunu
blk-L-er. until It approached the required
size. Then It attained It. Then It pass
ed It.
"Stnn stoi)"' cried the crowd. "It's
getting too big." und the foreman ad
iled. "How did you do It?"
"Where Is my money?" said the man
by way of reply.
When he felt the rubles In his palm
nn mrmslnn of genial satisfaction
overspread Ids rough features.
"Why, It's easy!" said he
then he explained how he had retained
some of the wat-r In his mouth, how h
had gradually blown It Into the molt n
ball, and how the expanding steam had
Instantly came to his assistance.
HUMOR OF THE WEEK
blORlES TOLD BY FUNNY
Oh THE PRESS.
MEN
(i4i, Cntlooa and f naghsMt Phases
or Human. Nature Branlileatljt Pec
tvajrod Kmlaeut urj As Hots ef
One Own Dai a Budget f t'un.
"So our friend is going to lenve poll
tlrt?"
"He i." answered fionator nor-
ghum, "If be kuuws what's good for
blm."
"It Is too bad to lose Mm. He was.
such nn accomplished wire puller."
"Yes; but he got hold of a live wire."
- Washington Stnr.
More Hlorlen.
Mis Muggins Your house has three
stories, hnsn t It?
Mr
the!
rnre
vrd.
Didn't Suit tier.
Mm. Neighbors I understand your
cool, has Klvcti you notice. hat s the
trouble?
Mrs. Suburban I don't know; but 1
think shw doesn't like my cooking. -
Chicago Xcwh.
As Tlie v COWS,
A doctor cannot very well cnoose oil
patients."
"Why. no. I suppose If he could DO
ouldn't have such au III assorted lot."
-l'hlladclphla llulletln.
A C.ullunt Suitor.
and
"KBHI'Uli'd."
A teacher In a Boston suburban public
school received the following "eggs
CUOO" from the mother of a boy who
hail failed to be present on a certain
day;
DOUr Teacher: Please eggsctise And
rew James for not having went to school
yesterday. He started all right, but
him and another boy stopped for a llttlt
SWlm IH the river, and n dog come along
and enrried off Andrew James' Spantl
und shirt and he had to stay In the
water until the other boy came home
and got more pants and shirts for Dim,
and then It was too late. Under the
tlrcumstances you could not expect him
to be there so kindly eggscuse.
Rharp Itrply or Woman Hector.
lr. Fmlly Hhickwell, one of tht
pioneers of her sex In medicine, beards
young physician deliver a fierce dla
tribe against opening the doors of the
profession to w omen. When he OCBSSd
she asked: "Will you please tell DH
one reusou why they should not prm -tice
medicine?" "Certain ly, madam;
they haven't the muscle, the brawn, the
physical strength." "I see, sir. Yout
. micoptlonof a sick room 1 a alaughter
house; mine la uot."
Walk of a Lifetime.
A ressonably active man walks about
217.2UO miles more than 10 timet the
carth'a circumference In M years, Junf
w ulkiug about his house aud omce.
A Oirl as Innkeeper.
A girl who Is making a venture In the
right direction Is one who proposes
! Ingnii old-fashioned country lull lu
i nnnnlar mountain district. "1 inn
sure," she suys, "thnt the automoitlh
w ill create a demand for ouch places.
People will begin to travel as they used
to do In the days of the stuge coach
nud, of course, they will need places nt
which to stoii for the night. They will
not care about going to regular hotels
even If such places were to be found 111
the country. Ho 1 am going to innke my
place as much ns possible like the Inns
we read about In old novels and run
across once In a great While when
traveling In Fnglaud. 1 am going to
have old-fashioned high bedsteads, with
dimity valances, etc., but I'm going to
be sure that they an- comfortable, even
If I have to put In wire springs; and my
floors will be sanded and rush covered
ami the chimneys will bnve great open
fireplaces In which thON will be big
roaring fires. Mark my word for It
the automobile w III open a new field for
women real, womanly women, who
know how to raise poultry, keep n good
table and nn Immaculate bouse.
Baltimore Herald.
An Old Timer.
A crowd of young men were Seated In
one of the steamboat offices In the city
the other nfternooti while nn old steam
boat veteran regaled them with stories
about old times on the Mississippi and
reminiscences of old time citizens.
Did you know old Hill Jones?" nsked
one o f the men. after tho captain had
finished relating how he inn a ganth
of Indians with his boat 'wuy hack In
the furtlea.
" 'Member Mill Jones? Well. I guess
I did," replied the captain. "It's eel
he died Just after the war. He wns a
irood old fellow, too. I knew bis father
before he wus married to MIH'a mother
One of the boys thought the old man
waa "doidtig," and, by way of trlppluu
him up on his dates, asked: "Cap, how
lonir have vou I.e. i, ruunlug on the
river"
Who. me? Why, I started on the
Mississippi when It was not bin' but
creek." Memphis Scimitar.
Every fall the women put up "plent)
of 'preserver" and bava none after
Christ maa.
The w hlr r r of the ulurtu cluck U uu
ere-opsMBh
pTtironlc EOWOjinOfO)
fttnbb I ri-a'i about -oine mnn whi
drabh a quart of whl-k) without stop
plug.
I'. nn Why. that Is nothing. Look
a' old Rodder; drank barrel after bar
rel without stopping, And be wouldn't
have stopped yel if b bnd lived.
Staite K. nli .in.
Knilth (after the perfi nuance) Well
old mau, what did you think of tht
show ?
Jonei -Oreai! T'iirtt i hurch Mens wai
the a'-m of realism,
smith So it was. I actually wnt to
sleep while it was on.
Bore on Kerv limly.
Muggins That fellow looks II though
he wereoors on everybody, What's bit
name?
Bugglni Bo; le rii ladolphla
ord.
i he Alternative,
A . . I
Mrs. Bttggtns Thnt depends. When, ffrjlft& " IL
r. Muggins comes home very late Ui ,- ..'' -7 "vC?
ere are more stories than 1 would ' "SP J " t l.
ire to enumerate, Pbluvdelpbla Boo- ' J .r ; I v X-i I ' rJ
1
13
1
1
all
Why. Mr. Iteglnall. you're Into c
lu' dis evenln .
Mr. Beginall Hope you'll excuse me,
Miss Desdeiioiuy; you see It was ills
wny; 1 had ter go tor bed, tuiike out 1
wur. sleepln', an' then after everything
got quiet climb out 00 Wiuuer, au uu
dat dikes time, you see!
The t ...-.
Ida I wonder what It It In surf tilth-
teg thnt shocks people.
May The strong current, of course.
A Hitter ('.i ndue.
Dick That gentleman had n narrow
escape nt the r.oo the other day. One
of the elephants broke his chain uud
chased the gentleman ull over the
park.
Tom You don't say? Did be annoy
the beast?
Dick No; but the elephant heard that
bit enemy waa trylug to promote a
peanut trust.
Very Poor 8iecliiien.
Stubb How heartless the toul be
hind the uold! There goes an old tull-
tlona'lt that knows not the meaning of
the word philanthropy.
POM You should not talk like that.
Why, that mau gave away over ten mll
lloim to the poor last winter.
Slnbb -Hlml
Penn- Yen. At the sltar he gave
away his daughter to a peunlleit count.
Don't you think she is worth over ten
alHtonsI
MNJudited.
The doctor Well. Mrs. Miirnes,
must offer you my congratulations.
hear you've married again And have
yon given up your occupation of wnsh-
Ing?
Mrs. Barnes O. no, sir. But .vou
tee, if I "adn't taken 'e I'd 'a' ud to
'a' bOUgfal a donkey: Punch.
i rtoioi Sat Raplentla
Mrs. Neighbors What a tnrlhlc
cough you havel Why don't you cpiu
suit your family physician?
Mrs. Winters Impossible. He's trav
eling for hit health,
Comforting,
Tom So you loVOd and lost, did fOOl
Jack On the contrary; I came out
winner.
Tom Why. how's that? Didn't yon
Just tell me she married another!
Jack Yes; but she returned all my
presents and accldeiilally put lu acme
of the other tellow't.
Those I.ovinu rjlrtaa
t'bira Did you DO ties that fine-looking
gentleman turn nnd look back at DM
after he had passedY
Maude- Yes. Isn't It queer how little
It tukes to turn a man's head?
He Well. Mary, today I hnd my life
Insured!
She Of course, you nlvvaya think of
your own precious self! -Meggeiidorfer
B setter.
Curlo.lty.
"Women nre funny creatures,' mused
the Janitor philosopher. "Lit wan wom
an In th' eardrop 11 letter, an' th' wom
an opposite will rolde tin blocks out nv
her way troyln' to pick up thot lettl-r
w ii 11 no wau Is looklu'."
Knew Hi. 1 inn 11, - .
Mrs I'lntt (angrily) Oh. you think
you know n lot, don't you?
Mr. Plan (calmly) Well, i ought to,
niy dear. I've 0000 In the real estate
business nearly thirty years.
Wouldn't This Jar You?
"Do you ever see snakes?" asked the
Chlcngo man, ns he filled his glass from
the decanter.
"Never." replied the man from M.is
ton. "Hut I have ophidian halluclua
tlons occaslutiully."
Didn't Shift the Illume.
QotroX 1 wish you to kuow that I
am a self-mads man.
( 'villein, How noble of you
tunic all that responsibility
phla Kecord.
DiirliiB the Quurrrt.
Hubby (angrily) Whatever
goes.
Wife (sweetlyl Of course It doe-,
dear. You suy It to loud that It goes
all over the neighborhood.- -.New York
World.
Little Drops,
Mack O'lt'-ll We American! sre si
wayt hitting it the Britons nlsiut com
ing over here and dropping their u't.
Luke Warine Yes; but no one ever
object to tfema coming over here and
dropping their X's tnd V'a,
tlnlnekj in Love.
Harry So you got the mitten twice?
Molatid Yes, hut they were not s
match. - Philadelphia Bulletin,
An Utiti'.itftd 1 1 in, Im ud.
A. No, elr; I have been grossly de
ceived In you! 1 cun uever take your
hand again!
B. Kor what reason?
A. Why. I had lieen given to under
stand by mutual friends that you WOTO
about to run away with my wife, and -er
I find my wife Is still ut home:
Ally 8loper.
In Ills Kuvnr.
BtUbb That man ought to be engaged
In the butlnet of moving furniture.
Penn- Why so?
BtUbb BeCaUSS his name begins With
Vnn.
Cut It Bhort t
Mack O'Bell That French barber Is
cute.
Luke Wtrnie It he?
Mack O'Bell Yes. I accused him '
having hacks In his razor. He tune I
around with an oily smile and chuckled:
"Did monsieur eakspeet SS razor to
hsve te horteleiw eurrlnges?"
1 1 ..ni -1 I toy I
"I nm glad there are a few honeet poo
pie left. Two years ngo 1 sent a boy
around the comer to buy a postal card.
I have never seen the boy to this day."
"Y'011 don't call thnt boy honest?"
"Yes, air! This morning I received a
postal with this on the back: 'Dear
Hlr: Here Is your postal. 1 started In
bualnOM with th penny you gave mo
nud have prospered, Thanks.'"
to at
l'blladel
I lay
Friendly Advice.
Bluff I'd have you know, tlr, thnt
I'm a self nude man.
t'.ruff Well, I'm sorry for you, but
keep It dark nnd don't worry, and per
haps you'll get along all light.
Natural Inference.
"It seems strange that you never re
ceived a proposal of ninrrlnge," re
marked the sarcastic girl.
"Who says I never received a proposal
of marriage!" demanded the other,
"Why, no one, of couroo, but I've
always understood thnt you are a
spinster."- Chicago Post.
Hoda Water llellevra Hunaer.
Doctors are iiilng cnrbonlc water
(plain soda water) now to relievo hun
ger In the cases of patlentstowhom food
cannot be giv en. The carbonic acid gas
lessens the sense of hunger, not becauso
It has any sustaining qualities, but be
cause It presses 011 the solar plexus,
and the solar plexus, besides
being useful when one fellow
wants to knock out another fellow mall.
Is the seat of hunger, The sense of
gnawing aud "goneness" and of raven
ous hunger nil arises from irritation
In this part of the body, and the C0J
bonic noid gus offsn checks the symp
toms absolutely. Of course, the rem
tdy Is useful only Where the sense ol
hunger Is due more to artificial Irrlta
tlou thnn to actual want of food. In
the latter ease soda water would prove
decidedly useless. Meefsieak still holds
the fort for that ailment kuown as
appetite.
Nwlt t'o-operilvrt Hoc-letlet.
gallon land has at present Mi co-oper
olives uisoclstlom fur beyiug food,
wltb m,V10 nivmbvrs.
o