The Eugene City guard., January 06, 1900, Image 3

-FACE8
IN
THE STREET.'
- hn i. ll ui lu
lie. I' wr"
n - w
d.
rbit
for
Ml
...III IS
where tin-
rltr Pr'.r , . ' "I. with the fuel"'
.. . -ll m ri"
WIDOW" " -
to ib b Lr!rwi of
tse
To I"' V ... Am owuer
ayk I sorrow - -U
"(MM Id the .treet.
.... 1 hnre to sorrow, Id a It)
A" voiiug n-l tat.
traces of the fre,
Mj, nU f-ce. that .re
" through "trct't""
.Iriftilllt on,
of restless feet:
... , ,lw. IMHH Of tl
lctD urn" ."" :
1 In the street.
Tnn Mail.
a
8 HER LITTLE BROTHI
LMMMtWWMtMMM
and wwbe
las
BC-
ere
ut
y
I
say, bat
Ml
v daughter my cldeat
tlr-vlsited the tUHU
, .nt last summer. Up
-nrn we were not lu uu rwi"y
5?at her nuinmer trli had In a
'tli This w a distinct jap
"Cent. line, the expense hadjado
fiffoVnt in my bank accounted I
f ' . ,i that a certain llstlAess
"ituUHhe had been affectedjuld
... lanllUCar.
-Mpecttd that she would fast
' k L.K before her return, si' It
known to be epidemic all alujtho
ii took. In both nrms;
-turned we hoped that .he wou
...urir through the stage, a
am ort find iHUirURKi. Bu
Ulrf ui
I., tnniethlng wrong. Sho was
Mma. but did not car
IBM ,
n with the right enthusiasm.
It to draw her out.
I understand," I would
plf It very engrossing.
Yes, very."
"I suppose you can hole out a
-Kk the best of them?"
..ir That Is 1 Now. fl
rn ire not Interested!
Hnt really 1 am," I would go o
..I .in Indeed. Only, of C
pnj . 1 1
I'm not thorouehly up In the gam
Immensely. I ttilnlll
join a golf links, and buy a caddl
"But the eiiuuie is iuc uu "v, ...
,.,. Piniis." she said wearily.
He does, eh? Well, then, I'll Jol
dobs, and buy him a putty."
Now you're only Joking," she
It lin't a putty, but a putter. An
Join a club, and Hut what I
uie?" And then she would walk
nil Rich.
Here was a golf-player who woun
talk about golf! It was most alar:
There was only one eneoura
sTmotom, and he was a young do
who used to call-well, quite often
had met him on the links, so we gi
ered, and certainly the two talked a
golf whenever they met so far as
knew.
It wasn't long before my daugh
came to me for the initiation fee to J
a iof club to which young Dr. Si
mow belonged. 1 gave her the inon
wW) eager Joy, and at the first opp,
tonltv I thanked the doctor for his kl
lnierest In my daughter.
"You are a shrewd young man,"
uld, "and you ought to rise In your pr.
fesslon. You have seen how anxioi
we have been to Interest Owendolln 1
rolf, and you have seconded our effort
ably. I appreciate your disinterested1
ness and shall not forget It.'
He seemed confused, and murmure
something about "his own pleasure,'
but I smiled courteously and cut him
iborL
My son Bobby was at first scornfully
luperior to the attractions of the new
lime. He used to cough In a highly
artificial way when Dr. Simmons and
Gwendolen were exchanging views
about bogle, and putters, and bunkers,
and lofters, and would try to engage
me in a vigorous discussion as to the
chirms of Jackstones, old maid, mug
gins, and other trivial games. So far
it golf was concerned he aeemed an
Immune.
Therefore we were all much surprised
one evening at dinner to hear him Inter
rupt Itr. Simmons, who was delivering
in enthusiastic eulogy of the royal
same.
"It is adapted," aald the young physl
tlan, "to every age. It has all the fas
cination of billiards, with the added
glorlea of the open air. It Is cheap and
engrossing. The simplicity of the game
-to drive the boll toward Its goal and to
place It accurately on the green, when It
U deftly propelled into the hole alone
makes it simple for the child and a
lame of skill for the adept. Why, one
thlnka of nothing else while on the
links! And then, the constant exer
cise "
"Exercise!" said Bobby. "There ain't
lay exercise in golf!"
"Excuse me," said the young doctor,
"but I thought you didn't know any
thing about the game!"
"I didn't this morning," said Bobby.
"But I know all about it now.' '
"You do?" Inquired Dr. Simmons
with a satirical smile. "You must have
made very rapid progress."
"Yes, I did," Bobby answered very
coolly. "I thought It was time I found
out what you two cranks were up to,
and so I went over to the link, this
morning."
Here Gwendolen began to look un
easy. "Bobby, dear," she eald, "you mustn't
talk so much at the table."
But Bobby ignored her. "Tes," he
went on, "I thought I'd like to know
something about the old game, and bo
I've been talking to your caddie."
"To Benny Jones?" asked Dr. Sim
mons, frowning at Bobby.
"Yes," said Bobby gleefully, "and he
explained the whole game to me."
"Mother," exclaimed Gwendolen,
"won't you ring for the coffee? It seems
very warm in here."
I was surprised to see that both
Gwendolen and Dr. Simmons seemed
disinclined to pursue the subject of
Bobby's rapid acquirement of golf. For
tny part. It seemed immensely amusing,
and I endeavored to lead him on. Ill
waa only too ready.
"Come, Bobby," I said encouragingly
"1st us hear Benny Jones' account oV
"Well," said Bobby, "here's what he
till' gUUie."
said. There's a lot of kind af ,.if
says Be ii ii. v Yes,' says . Y .
he. 'There's gulf golf, and Hum. v dud
golf.' 'Oh.' says I, and whirl, kind
dues nr. Untmoni piuyv 'oh, lie plan
dude 0 If,' h:ik Heuiiy."
"Father." QwtStfolM exclaimed has-'
tlly, "I do bop "
"Nonsense." I ald. laughing. "Lot's '
hear the caddie's aide of It. You and
the doctor have held the field lung
enough. Go on, Bobby."
To my surprise. Dr. Simmons and
Gwendolen seemed really annoyed, but
l was resolved not to mind their silly
sensltlvenesH.
And Bobby went on:
" 'What's dude golf?' I asked Benny
And Benny, he says: "Why, na get
your best girl, and you holds b.-r hand
to show nf how to drive, and you holds
her baud to allow her how to putt, and
you comes to a nice shady place, and
you alts down and talks for two hours
while tbo caddie whanlcs and his feet
get asleep, and "
But I saw that I had mode an awful
mistake. Luckily we had finished our
coffee, and at this moment my wife rose
hastily, and In a moment Bobby and I
were left alone.
With masterly skill I suppressed the
rest of Bobby's story and turned the
conversation to hla last school report
which soon repressed any tendency to
further conversation on bis part. As
soon as possible I sent Bobby to bed.
When I "Joined the ladles" Dr. Sim
mons was gone, and Gwendolen and her
mother were evidently too deeply en
gaged In conversation to be Interrupted.
I merely mentioned In passing that I
hndftome writing to do, and betook my
self to my study.
When alone I dre-w up a report of the
occurrence and mude formal applica
tion to the Association of American Hu
morists for a pension for Bobby as the
Big Sister's Little Brother. My appli
cation was successful, and Bobby's fu
ture la provided for.
la singular and fit candidates scarce.1
If be Hunts celebrity In addition iq
ability he may l. willing to make the
salary Bra btUMlMd dotton I ne. k. In
tliul case he lakes Into account tlio
public vulue of the name and makes a
feature of It lu his advertisement. Not
more tbu ten an,, is in America. a-Mo
from the stars, receive as much us iu
hundred and lltty dollars u week, and
not more than five actresses are paid
this unemnt. In fact, one hundred and
fifty dollars a week Is exceptional, and
one huudrcd dollars will engage an ex
cellent hero or heroine, a line i nine liau
or a delineator of eeeeutrlc churiu ter.
The wages run down to seventy lU,.
dollars for a soubrette, Ingenue or old
man, to llfty dollars for an old woman.
Juvenile man or Juvenile woman, and
so along to utility mid chorus men and
If onto at twelve dollnrs to tight II
dollars a week. Those are the wages of
thoroughly competent actors lu com
panies of good grude."
NEW SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE.
Oencral David K. Heodcrmon, Who 11..
Tuken Tom Hecd'a I'luc-r.
The man who has succeeded Thomas
B. Ueed as Speaker of the House of
lteprosentatlves Is a far different kind
of man than the big fellow from Maine.
Iteed I. imperious and satirical He
seem, to take keen delight In saying
things that hurt others. Oil the other
band, Gen. Henderson, the new Speak
er, la probably the finest type of the
traditional "Hall fellow, well met" that
ha ever been necu In public life.
Boundless good nature, a fondness fot
the society of his fellow men of high
and low degree, limitless tact, the live
liest sympathies and a fine, healthy
manliness are some of the attrlbutei
that have won him the affectionate re
gard of all his colleagues on both BldM
of the chamber. No ono ever thinks of
finding fault with him. though things
which he has done would tiring upon
others the severest criticism.
The qualities which have given Hen
derson bis popularity can hardly be
500 PAIRS OF EYES.
BEINQ
KMININt EVES,
WERE TERRIBLE.
THEY
I ndrr Tlirlr Critlrul Hrrntlny Ihr 01
I.. ii- Muu Who Mad Man I -. u -by
Field and Flood KpariMMSd '
To 1 hi. I,,,,,.
It
My Interview next day with Dr. Sim
ons was also very pieasani, aim i
ve no doubt that the young couple
ill be very happy so the Big 8lster's
ture Is also assured. Saturday Even-
Post
GENIUS FOR MECHANICS.
nd Mon Who Kinds Work to Do
hlch CuusenHcelnic Men to Marvel.
mes L. Judge of 2222 Clinton ave-
eujoys a singularly Interesting dls-
lon that of being totally blind and
e same time one of the best steam
in the city. Mr. Judge has been
for thirty-six years. His affliction
a. the result of an explosion ac-
t In the copper mines of upper
gan.
was working as a printer on the
Innd l'laln Denier when the war
out. During the second battle of
un he distinguished himself for
blv and recently received a flatter-
Inlommunlcatlon from Brigadier
Gil J. W. Copplnger, who was
Wi
fie'
of
all
a
Co
Mr
S
cba
Wi
soo
mln
cure
He
hosp
court
fitter
On
stea
was b
of th
proci
repair
Throiii
learne
then
This 1
manne
were hi
ployed
heating
hospital
many I
amoung
of the f
Wlr-St'
In that battle and left on the
Ir. Judge remained by the side
ounded man, under a heavy fire
ime, and finally removed him to
of safety. Later on General
er was taken to Washington by
e.
fter having received his dls-
r. Judge went Into the upper
copper country, wnere ue
red employment In one of tbo
t was there the accident oc
ch deprived him of his sight
t once removed to St Mary's
Milwaukee, where, in the
events, lie became a sieain
iost peculiar way.
a big plate In one or tne
cs with which the hospital
cracked and the employes
Ital were at a loss how to
r. Judge insisted he could
eak, so was allowed to try.
sense of touch he soon
extent-of the break and
the work or rcpainuK
in such a workmanlike
the hospital authorities
leased with him and em
set up a complete steam
In need of which the
MS. Mr. Judge has done
nt Jobs of steamnting,
helmr that of the home
inded at Chippewa fall..
l'loueer Press.
suld to be those most useful to tin
wlelder of the Speaker', gavel in the
lower house of Congress, and yet some
of them are essential to the success of
a great presiding officer. Henderson,
write, a Washington correspondent
ha. never been regarded either as a
notable parliamentarian or as a debater
of unusual powers. Though Henderson
Is not a versatile debater, he Is a master
of a style of oratory that has fairly
taken the breath away from score, of
Inexperienced opponent. HI. strong
card la patriotism and loyalty to the old
soldier. Amos Cummlngs tells a story
at Henderson's expense, apropos of his
readiness to Berve a soldier. The new
Speaker fought all through the war,
working his way up from the ranks to
be first lieutenant of his company, serv
ing until discharged, owing to the loss
of his leg, and after a year's rest, re
entered the army a. colonel of volun
teers and served until finally mustered
out. An old fellow townsman who hap
pened to be In Washington, and whe
wanted to see Henderson very much
while the latter was engaged In an Im
portant committee conference declined
to send his name in. but told the door
keeper to say "a one-armed soldier
wanted to see Dave Henderson." In
an Instant the Iowa man appeared In
the doorway, and after a hearty laugh
at the ruse employed to bring him out
ndjourned hi. committee and took his
friend down to the restaurant
No man in Congress takes better care
of his constituent, than Henderson, and
he take, pride In the assertion that he
never permits a letter to go unanswered,
no matter who his correspondent may
be. He usually reaches the capltol at
10 o'clock, and he spends three or four
hours each day dictating letters to his
constituents and to the constlucnta of
many of hi. colleagues, for his great
popularity In Congress la well known,
and the demand upon his time made by
people outside hi. district are numerous
and heavy. The transition from Beed
to Henderson in the Speaker's chair is
truly a remarkable one.
8lor Oar Plsyers.
FrankllLs, writing of "The The
ater and iit.ol,ic," in the Ladles'
Home Jo touches Interestingly
upon the I, w 0f actors, and cor
rects the ol.ated reiorts of the en
ormous eat 0f players. "Salaries
vary withUBjstances." be says.
"The manslay find at twenty-five
dollars a wlpinyer whose moderate
talent exaA. R part of consider
able Import He may have to pay , w
one hundxefflftr
Woolnc In I im 7 1 1 .
On Sunday evenings the young man Is
welcome into the parlor, where a row of
chairs extends along the four walls.
The whole family seats Itself, and
amidst a general conversation the poor
fellow 1. supposed to do the wooing.
If he wishes to escort bis fiancee to a
theater, the family and daughter will
walk ahead, while be follows by his
lonely self. In short, the couple are
never permitted to be alone, and the
natural consequence Is a clandestine
wooing.
Hi was a mau of experience. He had
tUltcd nearly every known country
and had thrilling adventures in some
of them. 1 1 e Vol huuted big game, ud
hud been through at least one South
American revolution. Consequently lie
was looked upon as nu Interesting story
teller, and. being a convivial party,
there was a natural desire on the imrt
of his associate to draw hi in out.
"Tell us about the most thrilling,
awe Inspiring experience you ever
bad." one of them urged.
"Oh. you can't expect him to single
out one as the most nerve-trying of
all." nut In another. "He lias had too
many for that. Just tell us about any
one of them, old man."
The man of experience thought a fnv
minute.
Than is one that stands out pre em
Inently as the most trying ordeal of
my life," he .aid at lust. "No other
experience that I over went through
begins to equal It. Nothing else ever
made me half so nervous."
"Tell us attorn IC" they all cried.
"It was the day I took dlnuer at
Yassar College," he began.
"Oh. come off"' they broke In. "Don't
try to Jolly us."
"I'm not." replied the man of expe
rience. "I'm telling you ths solemn
truth. I was a friend of the family
of a girl at Vassar. and, being armed
with the proper credentials. I called
upou her there and was luvlted to re
main to dinner. I was the only man In
the dining room. When I entered the
girls were already seated and they took
me In from bead to foot. I could feel
them doing It. At a rough gue I
should say there were BOO pairs of eyes
riveted upon me. and 1 knew that BOO
girls were passing Judgment upon me
and everything connected with me-
my dress, my liearlng. my features, my
manners, everything. One pair of fem
inine eyes can make a man feel uncom
fortable, two pairs can make him think
that life Isn't worth living, and tbree
pairs can give him the cold shivers. A
girl knows It and she glories In It
When .he ha. man at a disadvantage
there 1. nothing that give, her greater
plea.ure than to make the most of It
and watch him suffer. Those girl had
me at their mercy. They overwhelmed
me with cold, critical, analytical
glances that were more deadly thnn
Mauser bullets. By the time I reached
the guests' table, where I sat In solemn
grandeur with the girl at whose Invi
tation I was there, 1 would have glad
ly exchanged places with a man lead
ing a forlorn hope on the field of bat
tle. Before the dinner was half over
I would haTe considered being lost In
a troplcnl Jungle pleasing by compari
son. Oh, those girls, those girls! They
left the dining room before I did. and,
In doing so, they passed my table. I
tried to talk entertolnlngly to n-y
friend, but I could feel them going by
-and sizing me np, and I was satisfied
that I didn't pass muster. It seemed
as If each one was saying to herself:
Oh. he's not so many! He lack, ense,
and hi tie Isn't on straight'
"And that," he added, "was my most
terrible experience. There was a thrill
or a chill to every minute of It. 1
would reiM-at any other ordeal of my
life in preference to It. If you have
never dined with 500 girls fully con
scious of their power aud mischievous
ly Inclined you cannot appreciate what
It 1." Chicago Inter Ocean.
PELICANS IN THE BIO MUDDY.
Ores! Colony of the Bird, on an Island
in the MlwMiurl Ktver.
Pelican bend, In the Missouri Klver,
netr St. Charles, Mo.. Is the scene of a
great annual gathering of pelicans.
There Is a big fiat bar In the river there
which haa eudured far beyond the usual
spau of a bar's existence In the treach
eron. hlftlng current of the Missouri.
This bar la the semiannual stopping
place of vat flocka of pelicans that
migrate from outb to north in the
spring and from north to south In the
fall.
Person, who have observed their hab
it, claim that they Invariably arrive at
Pelican beud on Sept. 4 and remain un
til cold weather sends them south.
The pelican I. ik 1 attractive bird.
He offend, both tb I and the no.e.
But he Is commenda regular In his
habits. The parent catch fish
and after eating their il deposit the
others In their pouches under their bills
and carry them to their youug. These
pouches will hold from three to eight
pound, of fi.b. They are ela.tlc, and
when distended to their utmost nearly
touch the grouud. When empty the
pouch He close up under the big bill
and 1 merely a man of wrinkles. It
is this pouch that gives the pelican his
characteristic and disagreeable odor
caused by pnrtlcles of decaying fish.
The pelican', lege are short and
strong, and It feet have large web.
It is not a fast swimmer nor a rapid
flyer, but It is practically tlrel In both
air and water. On land it I awkwnrd
and unwieldy. Its feathers are pure
white, except for a fluffy tuft of brown
plumage that Is seen on ths top of the
head for aliout six week In the early
autumu. This tuft dlsappeara In Au
gust and leave a pimply bald pate that
1 not pleasant to view. At first the
skin Is red, then pink, then a straw
color. By Nor. 1 the skin on the head
hnrdona Into a horny crest, which grows
as the winter progresses until by the
time the bird arrives at It breeding
place In the northwest It I so prominent
ttiat It I called the "centerboard" be
cause of Its resemblance to the center
board of a sailboat When properly
cured, the pelican ikin and plumage
are largely used in women's garments
aud hats. - St. I .mils Itepubllc.
four or five feet in length, appeared at
the garden gate of the family uieu
tlolied, crawled In aud made Itself ut
home. The creature u put out, but
returned. This was r pasted several
times, the lust appeal ui e lielug sig
nalized by his raising himself on bis
bind legs and placing his fore fci t
agnlust the gate. The members of the
family owning the premises decided It
wus no use to resist longer, uud ad
mitted Mr. Turtle. Since then be has
lived In that garden undisturbed, and
has become a pet of the children. He
crawls about during ttie day, receive
meals of brau ami water and scraps
of food from the kitchen. The chil
dren soon ceased to be afraid of him.
and can Ive seen frequently riding on
bis buck, two or tbree at a time, as he
crawls about. The story Is related that
he acts. In a measure, the part of a
watch dog. When anyont enters the
garden gate the animal hisses loudly.
Tlmt serves to frighten the visitor, for
he Is unaware lu daylight for a mo
meiit, of the source of the warning
sound, aud at night Is alarmed at tin
acrpont-like noise. Where the turtle
came from Is a mystery. It Is believe,'
be Is of great age. Some hiivexptv-
ed the belief that he Is the same Cfea
ture once owned by King Kamebama
hn, 100 years ago. That nultnal whs
afterward In the keeping of Queen
Dowager Knplolnnl. who died lust
June. Just before her death It disap
peared, and, unless this Is the sums
turtle, has not been seen sluce.
LET US ALL LAUGH.
How He Offended Her.
"Tes," said the bachelor, reflectively,
I offended her in some way, but I
don't really know bow. You see, ber
baby was fretful, and she explained
that be haul been cutting bis teeth;
hereupon I asked her wuy sue m uiiu
dollar. If the role P-V kaUe-
ODD STORY.
A Tin Mr that Would Not )ta A way
from Certain Garden.
One of the Interesting sights of Hon
olulu, Hawaii, but one few persons
have an opportunity to view, Is a grout
turtle living on the premises of a fam
ily there. This creature seems to have
m,,re intelligence than la usually al
lotted to one of lu apeclea.
On day s bugs turtle, measuring
JOKES FROM THE PENS OF VA-
RIOUS HUMORISTS.
Pleasant Incidents Occurring the
World Uver-Haylngs that Are laser
fui to Old or Yoans-Vuonjr Selec
tions Mon Vou Will Uujo.
As they bent solicitously over him,
the man who hud Ikhui kicked by a
horse opem-d his eyes, "Have you any
lust wish 7" they ksksd htm.
"Yes," he murmured. "Have an auto
middle Inwrse at the funeral."
BSTsngs, It assoxd, was stroug even
In death. New York Press,
Ilrr 8ici-lnltjr.
The Prompter -So your wife has
gone Into vaudeville?
The (Vniodlau Ye.
The Prompter -What line of work?
The Comedian Oh, curtain lectures.
I uppottV Philadelphia Bulletin.
Too Numerous.
Young Wife (poutlngly) You haven't
given me anything since we've bevii
married.
Voting Husband (facetiously)- Why.
I'm always giving you klsw. darling.
Young Wife Oh, those don't count.
Young Husband No, they're count
less. Origin.
"'It Is n woman' lot to suffer In sl
tncr 1 wonder what Is the origin
of thnt sentiment?"
"Perhaps It's a corruption of the
truth thnt a silent woman suffers a
lot" Detroit Journal.
W hat Suull the Poor Olrl IJo?
Ths Ixigtc of It.
Old Lady Why do you bars sue a
dirty, grimy face?
HODQ 1 'lsse, lady, It come from
traveltu' on me eheek. Philadelphia
Record,
CossMsrslSi
"What a loely Bajtf basket the ed
itor has."
Yes, he's so kind hearted he mean,
the potto. HUM ibsVO fall In pleusuut
places."-Plilliideli,:iiu Bulletin.
Punk
ThU IhSUUSlSIUS Age.
"Why did the beautiful Mis
have two wedding ceremonies?"
"The MOfftpb man was lute, so ttiey
bad to go through the service again."
Chicago llecord.
Willi the Heel Toward the Door.
P. I. Slay I leove a
John L Blair, In hi earlier days,
owned a Western rnllroad along the
route of which he established a series
of lunch moms, nt which employes of
the road were to be charged 50 cents
and all passengers 75 cent. Mr. Blair
once dined at one of these places, and,
concluding bis meal, laid down a half
dollar. "Hold on!" cried the cashier,
"you don't belong to this road." "1
know that," replied Mr. Blair, "the road
belong to me."
The skipper of a sailing vessel had ns
passenger an estimable but not very
courageous minister and two careless
young men given to mischief. A severe
storm came up. and although the young
men were frightened enough, their ter
ror wa nothing to that of the poor mln
toter, who was Indeed a pitiable object
"See here, sir," said the skipper at last,
with kindly severity, "do you want me
to think you're more afraid of going to
heaven than those young men are of
going to hell?"
During the Congress of Vienna each
of the s,-eial monarch present wns
the guest of some nobleman. On one
occaaion Baron Bothschlld wa Invited.
He modestly went to take his place, nol
among the more exalted guests. When
they discovered Bothschlld, however,
they all arose and saluted him, except
the King of Prussia. Some one asked
the king why he did not salute the great
European bunker. "Did I not?" he re
piled; "well, I suppose It was because
I was the only oue who did not owe him
anything."
The Senate has always been con
trolled by lawyers, and Blaine was at a
disadvantage because he did not be
long to the profession. The law-lords
were disposed to disparage and flout
him, but he was disrespectful to the
verge of Irreverence. "Does the Sena
tor from Maine think I am on idjlt
(Idiot)?" roared Thurnion, In reply to
an Interrogatory Blaine put to him one
day in tho Pacific Hallrond debate.
"Well," bellowed Blaine, "that depends
entirely on the answer you make to my
question!"
Probably the easiest college examina
tion on record In that recorded In the
"Life of Dean Llddell." ChrUt Church
was the resort of many gentlemen com
moners who passed on their family, not
their scholastic attainments. Still, they
had to be examined, and one of them
who had been set to attond a course 0
lectures ou the atmosphere, came befor.
Osbourne Cordon for an Inquiry Into
his very human understanding. "Well,
5Ir. ," said Cordon, "what I. the
atmisiphcre composed off After much
hesitation the man replied, "Zinc."
"Thank you," .aid Cordon, "that will
do. Cood-mornlng."
While at Harrow, Dean Vnughan was
returning home late one evening, when
he caught Bight of a boy who ought to
have been fast asleep lu bed. A. aoon
a. the boy saw the dreaded figure ho
ran for dear life, with Dr. Vaughan In
hot pursuit. He succeeded In catching
the boy by one of bis cattails, when
there was a sudden wrench, and the
youngster was off again, leaving a cont
tall In the head's hands. The master
made sure that he would now find out
the culprit next morning, and did not
pursue further. But next day, to bis
blank Astonishment, every boy of the
sixth form had only one tall to his coat.
An old Irish laborer walked Into the
luxurious studio of an artist, and nsked
for money to obtain a meal. He ex
plained that be had Justbeendischarged
from the county hospital, and waa too
weak to work. He was given a quarter
and departed. One of four young ladles,
art students, who were present, said:
"Mr. Madder, can't we hire that old
man and sketch him?" Madder ran out
and caught him, and said: "If you
can't work, and want to make a dollar,
come back to my rooms. The young
ladles want to paint you." The Irish
man hesitated, so Madder remarked:
"It won't take long, and It's an easy
way to make a dollar." "Ol know
that" wa the reply, "but Ol was
a-wonderln' how th' dlvll OI'd git th'
paint off aftherward."
Heal Wedding Cake a Year Old.
The I, est London wedding cake bakers
advertise that all their cukes are a year
old; none In London sells a wedding
cuke under two mouths. A cake baked
In July will be rips for a November
wedding.
Trick In Making Matches.
By the simple trick of cutting the
wood across the grain, or of cutting it
w4th the grain at uch an angle that
It will split almost lengthwise when
friction is applied. It Is asserted that tbe
match trust I. adding to Its profit by
enormous sari suiua.
"Oh, Minna, I'm In despAlr! Arthur
promises If I marry him he'll give up
u Hfe of dlaslpatlon, and Krnns
threatens If I don't marry him he'll bog-In
a life of dissipation. Now what
shall I do?"-Lu8tige-Bloerter.
Matrimonial Hcpartee.
"You are your own worst enemy,"
she said.
"Why do you keep reminding me of
the fact thnt I deliberately asked you
to marry me?" he returned.- Chicago
Evening Post.
Tried the Kicrliiient.
"My! hosu't that woman a sour look
ing face?"
"Yes. She must have heard thnt
lemon Juice wos good for the complex
Ion." Philadelphia Bulletin.
May
Rev. Piddle.
few trncts?
Parmer Certainly! Mere, Tow -er!
rinsiparlsg Note.
Mrs. Jours My husband is the light
of my life.
Mr. Smith So Is mine. One of tho
kind thnt smokes and goes out nights.
An Important Illatlnetlon.
"I lost my purse this uftemoon."
"Craclous, Julia, were you going
shopping or coming back?" Chicago
Record.
n lie Avoided It.
Hoax -1 never can bear to see a wom
an stand In the street car.
Joax 8ome here. I alway buy a
paper.
Modern Improvements.
Irate Tenant It's colder than nil get
out In our apartments this morulng.
Yhy Isn't the heat turned on?
Janitor It's turned on lu the roonu,
I occupy and Just aa soon as they gee
warm I'll turn It or lu the rest of the
building.
Feminine Kconnmr
Husband What's this? Another $25
milliner's bill? 1 thought we had de
cided to be more economical.
Wife-Well, didn't I spend two days
looking for your new winter suit, and
didn't I finally get oue for $0.08 that
they wanted $7 for?
In Her Line.
Wife I found a place to-day where I
enn get a $1'J wrap for $7.08.
Husband- Y'ery welt. To-morrow go
out and find a place where I can get
the $7.08.
No sh lo Oume.
"What do you think," said the Arc
tic fox, "about this boundary brush r
'Oh," answered the marten, "It's Just
a well to be fur-bearing." Now York
Presa.
Hate.
"Disgraceful! I should think ocloty
would turu him down."
"No danger of thnt. He's one of
tbe 'high lights.' "-Philadelphia Bulletin.
Financial Kstrangement.
What cold glances Wlgglu give
you. Billy."
"Yes; he owes me $5 nnd I owe him
$4. He' mad because I don t pay
blm." Indianapolis Journal.
' Not to lie Trifled With.
. A mi. i i im nt.
"Whntcher gwlne do wld dnt raa
orf "I'm lookln' fob dnt drug sto' man.
Ast him fob a lox o' face powder, an'
be dun sol' me lrfmpbhick."
Arms.
"I wonder why theso emblem are
called armsf
"Well, you know, a family with arms
have a good deal that would otherwise
be quite beyond their reach." Detroit
Journal.
He w ,- the Favorite.
Tom- Ho you became engaged to Miss
Willing while tandem riding, did you?
Jack -Well, not exactly. were
climbing a hill when I proposed aud I
wou In n walk see?
No Basla of Agreement.
"Your church, I am Informed," said
the man who was in search of Infor
mation, "takes core of Its preachers
when they become too old for active
Servicer'
"It does," replied the mnn who had
the Information to give out.
"At what age Is It usually consider
ed they ought to go on the retired list ?"
"It Is hard to tell. There Is frequent
ly a difference of thirty years between
tbe estimate of the congregation and
that of the preacher." Chicago Jour
nal. Hather Indefinite.
"I thluk," remarked the front-row
patron of burlesque shows, as he climb
ed Into the barber chair, "that I'll have
a hair cut."
"Yes, sir," answered the tonsorlal
artist. "Which one, please ?"-Chlcago
Nswa.
Countrywoman (at the dres parade)
My! my! What a wonderful thing
discipline Is; a wholo regiment assem
bled, and each uuui holds his tongue!
Meggeudorfer'a Huworlstiscbe llhict-ter.
Wonted It from the Start.
Little Willie Say, pa, was the earth
created before man?
Pa Yes, my son.
Little Willie Why wa. It?
ra It wa. probably known that It
would be the first thing he'd waut
when he arrived.
Why He Took Hie Departure.
Cholly I never sbnll murry a strong
minded woman, never.
Minerva No, of course, you won't.
The woman you marry will be wenk
mlnded, I am sure. -Philadelphia Bulletin.
A Reward in Sight.
"What makes you so devoted to golf,
Mr. Poddlngton?"
"Well, you see, somebody always
give a dinner after the game." In
dlauapoll Journal.
"And Thrift Ie nieealng."
The Pedestrian You keep a horse!
Why, I had no Idea you were so thrif
ty. "Oh, ye. I deposit regularly In the
savings bank all the money I borrow
from my friend." Life.
The Tip that Fulled.
"Haven't you forgotten something,
sir?" asked tho waiter, who expected
a tip.
"Very likely," replied the feeder.
"You kept me waiting so long that I've
forgotten who I ani." Philadelphia
North American.
The Kessos Tor It.
He had come luto the office to secure
n game license. Before making ap
plication he did considerable blowing
about what luck be bud always had and
how BDcb greater It was to be this sea
son. Briefly, hu niado tbo clerk tired.
He wus asked the usual qnestlons
when he applied for the license.
"Whut's your name?"
"How old are you?"
"What's your mother's maiden namef
"What's your father's uauie'"
"Where do you llvsf
"Say, look hero," said tho hunter
bold, "what's all this nonsense for, any
way? What difference does it make
where 1 live and all that?"
".lust to assist the coroner In disposing
of the remains when you are returned,"
replied the clerk without looking up.
And three or four In the room, with
(rreat unklndnes, laughed harshly.
Detroit Free Pre.
Antlualtr of Windmills.
WlnduilUs, though only now bceom
lug popular for pumping water, wera
kuowtt lit Uurove so fur back as HOC.