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About The Eugene City guard. (Eugene City, Or.) 1870-1899 | View Entire Issue (Nov. 11, 1899)
Eugene City Guard. I. L. OAMPRRLL, fr..p,l.i,., EUGENE CITY OIKOON J1 M. J I Jl The corset truit is not la gooo rorm. An Important question now la, will tbe advance In the price of wire add to tbe coat of political campaign? Dewey may to a many sided man, but Judging from the picture printed be hun'l aa many aide a he has fare. In saying man la only a gorilla with a consclnncc, Ir. Parkhurst venture p riU.usly ' 1 '' to thwe people who make monkey of thcmselvee. Men who suffer from mlarepresnntn tlon can't well complain. There may he an good flh In the sea as ever were caught and yet both probably buve been lied alout. There Is a woman on the Pacific coaat who wants a divorce because her husband Is a bookworm. Yet there are people who profc to believe that llturature's golden age at about to dawu In this country. A womnn who lias Iwen suing for di vorce ha lM-'it ordered to pay fl a week alimony to her husband pending the decision of the court. Here la a aim. that need the attention of tbe reform era. Things are coming to a fine as hi this country hen the court eipecta a man to live on $4 a week. The times are propitious for a change In campaigning. The stump speech has for some years been steadily losing ground. It has lost much of Ha old time thrill. It Is ho much the same thhig. The people are outgrowing It. The extravagance of phrase, the nvwp of gesture, the venerable aneciloto which cliaractiTlxe It arid carry It along are not potent as tbey out were. Voleea made to order are the latest thing In surgery. Actual operation have demonstrated that the luryni. or vocal 1kx, can te miccesafully removed, and the patient may not only survive tlie shock, but recover. In order to re tore spi-och to the patient on artlllclol biryni and vocal cord nro providid. Tlie voice artificially produced bj Incn palJe of Inflection, hut, although It Is a montonc, tiie patient Is perfectly able to carry on a conversation. While timely warning given by an houcat press diminished the number of thoe who followed the Klondike will o' tbe wisp, yut there were thousund who braved every danger to get much less than would have been their with half the effort had ihey remained nt home. It I the distance which lends encbaiitment to the view. It I safe to Bay tliat for every dollar which bo so far been taken out of tbe Klondike couutry ten have been put In. Americans have made two conquests of Cuba. The first was by the army and navy, the second by modern sani tation. When the Island of Cuba wo turii.il over to the l ulted Htate by Bpalu It waa the .llrtl. st apot 111 all the world. The cities wi re plague spots. And the problem wo tho more dllll cult because of the Indifference of all classes of citizens. Families kept pigs and cowm lu one apartment of their houses. There win no sewerage. There bud basal uo renovation of llltby pre mises for your, (ieorge It. Witling gave up his life for Havana and lien or a I Leonard Wood refused 50,000 a year to go tack to Santiago when the yellow fever broke out there. Thanks to Waring, Havana I a cieau city and In Santiago a miracle haa been wrought by General Wood. Yellow fever, whose food Is dirt. Inn been con quered. The second conquest of Cuba la no leas u mutter of prldo than the trot The trouble that a little aquatic plnut may make is Illustrated by the water hyacinths, which are doing almost In calculable damage In the Gulf States by lining up the streams and paralysing the lumber Industry, a the logs cannot be flouted out of the livers nnd bayous When they are choked up with these plants: Congress has marlu an appro priation for getting rid of them, und Major Qulnn ha charge of the work. The Major bus decided In favor of n dreilgo which throws the hyacinth Into a mill, much like a sugar mill, where the hyacinth bulbs are crushed and ren dered iucupuhlc of propagation. The New oil. in- papers, however, favor a chemical agency which haa already lieen usid with succchs. The Tlmcs Iiemocrat any: "There are probably hundred of miles lu this section cov ered with this plant to a density of forty pounds to the square foot. No mill could do all this crushing, and it would (Hist thousands of dollars to do tlie work, and It Is utmost Inconceiva ble that the dredge will gather lu all tlie hyaclnfba, utid therefore complete ly eradicate them; and If but a few cod are left It will start this water pest once more, and we will have to do over agalu what we art" now doing." The chemicals, which were tried In a tnllnne, dry up the nap and kill the plant, and this without any danger to fish, mid the plan I simple und Inex pensive. "Even In palaces life may be lived well," quotes Matthew Arnold. Mr. Chamberlain holds that "people who the lu comfortable houses with mud ern Improvements ure happier than the Inhabitants of snow-hut or dugouts." Not only are they likely to bo happier, but also of a higher humau type and very way more noble. Moat right minded iteople would sympathise with the old gentleman who says, "1 never ace a fine bouse without wishing that everybody bud onethen i should have one!" Of course, grovelling, slum like habit of mind la posthlo ami.) costly and elegant surroundings. To tlie eye that sees all filings as they are, there may be a sty behind the front of marble or of browuatnne, and a clean bit of heaven In the humblest bm .-I An. I It la often necessary to add that many people are consigned to hovels by the grind and fraud which have made tlie mansion possible. Hut, other things lieltig equal, the environ ment helps or hurt tbe whole mux; and as a rule, Ills the expression of hi loiialltle. the outgrowth of bis charac ter unit life. At U) rate. It Is deslr 'able thai every human l lug should be 'well housed, well fed. well cladj also that every hiiiiuiii Mill should help himself to these things, wlth.iil Isnatfiilng or crowding. Household" I one of the sweetest words lu any language. Therefore It Is worth while for the young people lo put the creation of a good home Into the program of their life, to focalize their forces on this point; to get und to save for the realization of this beautiful dreum. The widespread passion among men, during tin- lust nnd present generation, to accumulate wi-ulth suddenly has not contributed to the elevation of hutuun character or the betterment of our civ ilization. Since th: war between the States there has Imn a wild nisli for riches. The war, like all TMt war, dew-loped a luxuriant crop of rascals. every one of whom was .leaf to the dahlia of pntrlotlm ami honor, and who for four years groveled among ihc dead and the dying, and aiui.'si tbe agonies of a punting, struggling coun try for dollars. The result was Mint mllllonnlres apeareil with the Hidden loss of the mushroom In tlie nlg'it, and Inoculated the whole county and poa terlty with an abnormal love of money and with a large measure of disregard for the ways In which It mlgill be ac cumulated. Hold, unprincipled men np'snrod upon the scene of acllon, and with marvelous, brilliant audacity, flaunted the evidences of ill gotten wealth until the desire to be rich ul any price was uhiruilugly general, es pcrlally among the young. Hut the suggestive fact Is apparent that the man who is satisfied wltii imxlerute and steady gains, who la content to tick to hi farm, nt his forge or his bench, Is far more fortunate than the average man who seeks fortune on Lbe board of trade, In gold mine or among diamond deposits. More wealth has been expenibsl In traiisiHirtatlon and supplies by the seeker for wealth In tbe Klondike than has been tak.-ti from Its golden repositories; and the snow of the Inhospitable region are dotted with tbe dead, and the region boa echoed with the walls of the hopeless. HOAXING A BRITISH FLEET. How at lipid Irishman Unfiled the Knsjllsh - ..ii-.. ,. An amusing story la told of tbe hoax big of a Hrltlsh fleet by "a stupid Irish man" during the recent naval uiuiicu vera. It appears that during an attack on Here Island by some of tbe vessels of tbe "H" fleet the officer at the Hut received lust ructions from Castletown coast guard station to gather up all telegrams and secret plans, send a man away with tbe same to hide In a cave, and on no account to let Ihem fall into the enemy' bauds. Willi the remain dcr of hla crew he wu then to show light until the last. In the meantime an attacking force of eighteen nieu and on officer bad liecu huidtd, which marched to the Hut and secured lta surrender. All search for tho secret pap. rs. however, proved useless, and the men at the Hut maintained a pro found alienee to nil Interrogation. During the afternoon one of the men of the Castletown coast-guard station hud lss-n sent to Here Island with the pay of the men. L'ion arrival Hui lu proceeded at 0001 to the Hut (having previously disguised hlmselfi und found himself surrounded by Hie Invaders, w ho wanted to know Ills business. He s.s.. as an old naval pensioner, slat ing that he was a native, and was try lug, With the help of his small pension, to make a living on the Island by cut ting and sailing turf. He had provided himself with a turf-cutting spado lu or der to give color lo Ills story. The sailors of tlie Invatlbig party were very sympathetic, and ndvised him to go to Knglnml, where he would Is- sure of getting work In one of the royal dockyards. After getting the In vaders Into a good humor he Immedi ately went In search of the man with the secret documents lu his possession. With the aid of some of tlie Islanders he found the man he was lu search of, tool, from him all the documents, which he hid In two baskets of turf, and returned to the Hut. Thla time the sub lieutenant Lu charge of tlie In vudors took him in luuul and closely questloiusl hlin with a view to obtain some reliable Information regarding the defenders, but nil to no purpose. At Inst the sub-Ueutetinnt dismissed the man, with the remark that he wus the moat stupid Irlshmun that he had ever met. Little did the officer Imagine Mint the supposed stupid Irishman whs tlie very man they wanted, as nt the time he had m his possession all the documents the Invaders were search ing for. During the night the enemy's flotilla left Hetvhnvon, going west, disconnect ing tile telephone nt the Hut Is fore leaving. Westminster (inxette. Aa to a l'roposal. GOOD-BY TO UFE. She-Then you would advise me to decline? Her Father Dectdedtyl If you were In love you wouldn't ask any advice. Keeping Mice at a lllstanor. One of the best mouse preventives Is the foliage of the walnut tns:.. Kven after the foliage has lieen dried It Is said lo be effectual lu scurlug away mice. "IV-n't leave tbe table," said the landlady, as her new boarder rose from bis scanty breakfast. "I must, madam; It's hard wood, and my teeth are not what they une.1 to be." Tit-Bib All tho world's a stage, but only a few of um actors receive curtain calks. jj rt ND to-morrow you leave Ml AY " ",1 ,,o'k 10 lwlt uurrlJ Loadour "Only for three months, dearest. Then I shall come back Ut Kocksea and Jala yon." .lessie I'isile laid her pretty bead con sented!)' on the rough tweed shoulder f the Norfolk Jacket. Will PrMtOD was a clever young ar tist. Looking around for a suitable ;il,ue at which to stay the summer, be Had stumbled across the Httle creeper V.ad eottaze where Ji-H!e Poole lived und nursed tier bed-ridden father, atdi bad Inductd them to let him make their home his nliode during his stay. A J thorough woman was Jessie, and as such she nppi-alcd to the artist's tern- ; pcranicnt. Beautiful she could hardly be called, but her cli-ar gray eyes and I the curve of bet small, Orm mouth wmt straight to Will I'reston's heart, J and before he was aware of It tbe lu- evllable had happened. Presently the ihaiMlf hind was, raised from the collar of the Norfolk Jacket, and a low voice Inquired: "What are you going lo do with your self this aflernoou, Will"" "Oh, I'm going to row out to that picturesque old wreck uud tuke a few sketches of It." "Hut you are not going alone, Will, are you? You know It's off a very dan gerous part of the coast, and there are a lot of cross current and sunken rocks " "Oh. that' all right, little one. Your UK LOST Ills llAt.ANCK AND FELL. old admirer, Jem Barclay, Is 'bossing the show.' He knows every Inch of the const, and I've every confidence 111 him; so you need have no qualms, dear, that I shall not la' back safe after dark." As he mentioned tlie name of his guide Jessie looked up suddenly ami Mined about to -p. ak. then appeared to niter her mind, nnd was silent. "So, tn-ta, dearest," he went on, bending down and fondly kissing the sweet lips Upturned to his. I must be off. "The tide will be on the turu soon, and It's a good two miles row." The wreck toward which the little bMt was rapidly cutting Its way was all that remained of the schooner Bon nie Belle. A year ago she had lieen driven let n stefTtD on lo a sunken rocK. At high tide merely a few feet of her sole remaining slump of a mast was visible, but at low water she was only partially submerged. As Will I'rcstoti lay hnck In the stern of the Isiat lingering the tiller rop -a be could not but admire the stalwart figure lu front of bint, Jem Barclay was a young fisherman, living down In the village about n mile from Jessie Boole's lonely cottage. Over six feet lu height, and proportionately broad, bis muscles stood out like bands of st. si us he pulled uutlriugly at the oars. Soon they reached the wreck, nnd, as It was now low tide, the boat wus pull ed alongside, and they clumlicrcd up to the sllpiory deck. The schoouor was but u mere shell after all. ami as Will lceivd down through what had OOCe been the hatchway nothing was to he seen but llieLnky blackness of the water in tlie hold. He was startled from his reverie by I laugh from his companion. "A men wotildnu do much good, Mr. Preston, once he got down there, eh?" There was something In the man's tone that Jarred unpleasantly upon the artist's ear, and he answered Shortly; "No; I think he could say good-by lo life." "Then you can say good-by to yours, for that's where you're going, my line gentleman!" Will Preston tamed quickly round In amazement ut the words, when, with an outh, Barclay flung hluiKWf upou him. and bore him backward. The buck of his head struck Hie deck with a crash, and he lost consciousness. When his senses slowly came back to him he found himself propiicd up Willi bis arms against the mast, hi arms passed backward round it, and bis hand lightly isiuud together nt the of her side. Ills cap had lireii forced Into his mouth, and his haudkercklef Is. uu.l tightly round, forming a most (He lent gag. Before bliu slmsl Jem Barclay, his arms folded and hi black eyes flashing triumphantly. "Yell see, I've changed my inltid." he begun. "It seemed a pity to chuck you down in t' hold. You wouldn't ha' had time to think over things. Oh. y.-s. I know she refneed me a year ago, but I'd ha' won Iter right enough In time If you hadn't come with your line ways and oily tongue. Now I'm going to wish you good by. It's, lie high tide at 1) o'clock, and then f sn will be a foot abism your bend. Happen you'd like to M how- the time goes, though. Well, you shall." He limk his knife from Ills peCfcel and drove the slnt Into the mast a few Incites abOTe hi victim's head. Then he approached the artist with the in tention of taking Ids watch from his pocket to hang It Uhvu the Improvtsvd hook, but Preston, though his hands were tin!, had the use of his feet, and as his tormentor came within reach he lunged out with sll his force. Taken unawares, the man sprang backward to avoid the blow. ami. for getful of the hatchway hchtnd him, lost his balance atsl Ml down It. In falling he turned half an-und aud. with B sickening thud, hi temple came In contact with the further side of tbe apt aim a '"' Will heard the splnsh of his body In the water, and waited, horror-struck, for auy further sound, hut nothing met his eara save the wusli of tbe wove. He struggled to free himself, so that be might try and M VI bis would lie murderer, but though be strained until tbl cords cut Into his wrists It WM use less. Tlie fisherman had dors' hi work only too well, ind bad himself kept back the bets that might, perhaps, have saved him. And ns tbe utter linisssl!lllfy of free ing himself and tbe mereaatng peril of his own situation became apimrent to Will, pity for bis dead rival gave place to horror at tbe death mi slowly but relentlessly approaching. lie tried to wriggle up by clasp lug the mast with his legs; he found It Imposalbll, and blank despair Is-gan to creep over him. The tide bnd already turned nnd was cris ping through tbe broken bulwarks, and soon tbe tint wave enme gently washing along the disk, nearly reach lag his feat Again he strained and tugged at his bonds In vain. He turned hi eyes longingly toward the boat, which had been moored to the side of the schooner, and then Indeed be gave up hoe, for It was gone. The rape had been too loosely tk d. nnd there was the boat, already fifty yards away, drifting with tbe Incom ing tide. The sun was dipping toward the cliffs overhanging Ids sweetheart's cottage, nnd be knew that he had hut nn hour or two longer lo live unless help came, and that he felt was almost Impossible. Soon the water renchid his knees, then in little ripples circled round bis waist. Another half-hour passed, nnd the cliffs were lost to view, while the lights iH'gan to twinkle In the village ami along the little wooden pier. High er nnd higher rose the water until It reached his shoulders, and he began to feel chill and numb. Irecntly the b.-at beat of a steamer's paddles came wafted over UM shimmering sen, and with a wlhl thrill of hope be turned bis head. 'os, there she was, gliding along swiftly and smoothly, her portholes and saloons brightly lit and the stratus of the baud coming to blm cheerily as she churned her homeward course, the passengers Joining In song In happy content lifter the pleasures of the day. Oh. If he could only get rid of that suffocating gag bis cries might be heard. But uo sound came from his aching throat, and the pleasure st. am er glided ou her way. Aud vow the water reacted his chin, and he knew his life could hv number ed by minute only. He tlxcd his weary eyes upon one light that glimmered Btnttlka on the side of tho cliff, away from the others. He knew It came from the little room where his love would be waiting ami wondering what kept him. As he looked the light scenicd to go out fur all Iturtunt; tlvuu It SWpeSMWl again; again disappeared, and once more (la sins I Into sigjit. What did It mean? Suddenly It struck him thut It was something on the surface of the water which kept coming between his eyes nnd the light. Could It Is1 n boat? He strained his ears, ami fancied he could hear the rattle of the oars In the rowlocks. Y'es, yes. It was a boat Doming straight toward him, too. And ut Inst a straggling moonbeam came slanting across the sea, and doubt gave place to oortnuity, for, although still a tit k aneorB. long way off, he could dis-tlngulsh n figure In the bout a llgure that canted ids pulses to throb wildly, the Dgure of a girl. Would she, could site, do It In time? He was standing now on the very tips of his toes, nnd even then an occasional wave, higher than the rest, would wash into his nostrils, and give bim n foretaste of What was to come. Nearer and nearer came the IhmiI, ami higher rose the wafer. Could 01 hold out? The strain was nwfuL "Whatever can have come to those two?" Qderied Jeeaie, n. the Widows lengthened, aud still do will appeared. Throwing a shawl arOUnd her, she strolled out Into the evening, and look isl away over the sea. She could not uitike out the mast of the wreck lu the falling light, but something bobbing about at the fiH.i of the diff arretted her attention. "It looks like a Isvat!" she ganpad, with sudden foniiodltig. And lu nu In stant she was spoiling down the path. a moment more and she had reached the shore, and then', not twenty yttrds away, she recognised Jem Barclay's lsat empty; uud something of the truth flashed Uhii her. "Merciful beavenP she moaned. "Tile Isvat has got adrift and left them ou the wreck!" There was no time to run to the vil lage for help. What. had to Is- done must Ik- dune quickly. With a fervent prayer the brave girl dashed Into tlie water. Clambered over UM side, un ehlpped tue oars, and Ui another minute tlie bow was OOCe more turned sca ward and the little bout was speeding to the rescue. At last, after a lifetime of doubts and fears, she turned and sow tbe sunken must stamllng out In bold con trast to the silvery pathway caused by the rising moon; and at the base, on the surface of tbe water, there was something else something round and dark, wih redoubled energy and panting breath she tugged desperately at tbe oars, heedless of the blisters on her lit tle huuds. It wa indeed a race for life or death, and It seemed that, after nil, her effort hail been lu vain, for ai tbe boat bumped against the nut the head of her lover dropped forward and sank out of aight. With a piercing cry she flung herself forward and caught him by the hair; then, moving her band lower, she grnsnd bis collar und pulled with all her might. In au Instant the gag was removed, and then ioor Jess was plunged Into despair again ns she found hi hands tied und she realized thut her little Angers were powerless to loose tbi knotted rope, und she had no knife. Theu her eyes caught sight of Harclay'i knife sticking lu the iniit above bli victim's head. With a cry of delight she seized It, and In another moment the Isiiuls were severed. At tbe risk of capsizing the boat she dragged UM precious burden slowly aud painfully on Issird; and at last he lay, uncon srluos still, but breathing, with his bead pillowed ou her lap. LAW AS INTERPRETED. Breaking nnd entering a dwelling house for the purpose of serving a writ of replevin, after admittance ha been demanded and refused. Is held lu Kelley vs. Schuyler (It. I.), 41 L. It. A. loo, to constitute the officer a tres passer. After a Judlclul sepuratlon, although the marriage Is not dissolved, It I held, In people ex rel. commissioners of puis lie charities vs. Dalian (N. Y.). 44 L. It. .v. 420, that the marriage relation Is so fur terminated or suspended that the husband cannot be gullly of the statu tory offense of abandonment or deser tion. The fact that a foreign Insurance company bud nuthorlzed service of process to be made ou the Secretary of Stat.- Is held, lu Connecticut Mutual Life Insurance Company vs. Sprutley (Tenn.), 44 L. II. A. 441', Insufficient to prevent valid service from being made ou an agent of tbe company, who has come luto the State ou business rela ting to the settlement of tlie loss. The dissent from a sealed verdict by one Juror when the Jury Is polled, after sealing a verdict anil separating, made on tlie ground that he did not agree to the verdict except because he thought he was obliged to, Is held. In Kramer re, Ulster (Pa.), 44 L. 1L A. 41i' to make a discharge of the Jury neces sary, and prevent the rendition of any subsequeut verdict lu the case ou thut trial. A deposit In n savings bnnlt In trust for the owner of the money and another person a Joint owner, subject to the order of either, and the balance nt the death of either to belong to the survi vor, 1 held, lu Milholliilid vs. Whuleu (Mil.), 44 L. B. A. 203, to constitute a valid declaration of trust In favor of the survivor ns to the balance of the fund remaining on the death of either, although the settlor mains possession of the bank book. AGGREGATE MAN AS A WALKER He Take Stroll of 70,000 Mile Eerj fr'ecoml. If the average old luuu of compara-ll,-lj siueiiuuj UuUius weie lolil that during bis Hie he had walked us many miles as would compass tfie eurtb at tlie equator six times he would prob ably be very much surprised. Aud yet such a (icdestriau effort only represent! an average walk of six miles a day fur a period of sixty-eight yeara. Similarly, the muu who Is content with the dully average walk of four miles will consider himself an athlete ou learning that every year be walks a distance equal to a trip from Loudou to A theus. When oue considers the aggregate walking records of the world the llg urcs are eveu more surprising. Assum ing that each Individual averages a four-mile walk a day (aud this canuot be considered nn extravugnut estimate when one remembers that Thomas Pblppa, of Klughaiii, has walked 440, uoo tulles on postal duty nlotiu), the startling conclusion Is arrived at that the World covers u Journey of 08,444 miles every time the clock ticks, ulglit ami day. This means that the world's walking record for a second of time Is equal to two trlii round the equator and more than thirteen Jaunts between London and Naples. Kvery minute the aggre gate man walks a distance equul to eight return trips to the moon, supple mented by over fifteen walks rouud tbe, earth's wulst. lu an hour he could walk as far as the sun aud back again, tako a trip to the moon i from the eurtb) 140 times, While si 111 leaving himself a stroll of Hki.ihh) miles to finish the cigar be lit at the commencement of his journey of sixty minutes. But considering the rate of his progress It Is probable that eveu a slow smoker might require a second cigar before Ilulshlng the walk. In a single year the aggregate man walks a distance of 1,180,000000,000 miles, which, after all. Ineoucelvably great as It Is, would take hliu less than one-eleventh part of the way to the nearest Sled star. It is well for the aggregate man's ex chequer that he walks these dlstauees Instead Of covering them by rail At the rate of a penny a mile the world's annual w alk would cost 0,128,000,000, or ten times ns much gold as Is current throughout the entire world. To pur chase a ticket for this distance It would be necessary to mortgage the entire United Kingdom to three-fourths of Its full value. London Mail. Journey Around ihe World, The time required for a Journey around the earth by a man walking day and night, with.. . would .',. LIS days; an express train. V; sound, at a medium temperature, oiiuj hours; a cannon ball, 2l hours; light, a little over 1-10 of a second aud eleo triclty, passing over n copper wire, a little under 1-10 of a second. Sail News Indeed. Kind Old Man-My lad. what are you crying about? few I n m . . coping niiy lo-morrow's my birth day, and my uucle wus going to give IHC a Watch bill lb., ,lnAH mmv 1.. can't live till morning. If all our w label were gratified life would aoon become monotonous OUfl BODGET OF FUN. HUMOROUS SAYINGS AND DO INGS HERE AND THERE, Jokes aid JnkcleU that Anlsppoud to lluvc lieen Ueccntly Uorn-Hajlna uud Uulng tliut Are Old, Curious uud Luuuhuble-The Week's Uuuor, The philosopher-The empty barrel gives the loudest sound. The imlltlclun-Tbere'i where you are wrong. During a political cam paign a bur'l filled with boodle talks the loudest. A ulht MUundrntiindlnr. "Will roa have some pate de fole grus. uncle'," usked the hostile of bvr riirul relative, who waa dlulug with her. 'Will I have a Plate for gross?" echoed the old man In astonish nuut. Say, do you think I'm Nebucbadeuex- lar or a horse?" Never Too Late to Mr, el. Naggs -Dear ine, Jaggs, I'm sorry to see you 111 this condition. I understood you bnd quit drinking. Jnggs Yesh (blc), iho I 'ave, ol chap. Jush (hie) lef off drluklu' 'bout (blc) minute ugo, sbee? On to III . urve. Beckleea youth Father, dear, would It lie asking loo much for you to ad vance me a small loan say ulnut $."o? The governor-Not at all, my son. Vou might ask me for double the amotintwith equal likelihood of getting It. Vou can't afford to be modest In these little rcqui-wt n bit more than I can afford to gruut them. -Ohio Stale Journal. I'urt of the Husim- s. Mrlsket- What "r7r.i day, Mrs. Style? '""Ha Mrs. H.-Kcud me a m nf and be lure It Is fru, iiri.ket-A Maei abeep Si Mrs. 8.-Yes; We art 1 you kuow.-TIt inta. '''kNlTTTTienM. "Then you mean to t.li , told a lie?" 1 Its "Well, no; I don't v, t . ru.le as that, but I wlU say ZV make a very good Weather nronJ' Tit lilts. ' k'. Food for the Ktad. A. rage boy-I want two, ;,. sausage, aud cook saVH u oi . tin,! ... I ,..,.. ... . ' SUU I ,u""' up lu . J j ii uiia. I Mot H.rd to A,,,,,, I "Most successful man, that when ever he bus n Job on band be always bus It curried out!" "Indeed! What is be?" "An undertaker!" Judy. Hi Little Jnk. "John," said the politician's wife. Waking him up about 2 a. in., "what's thut noise?" "That noise?" echoed John, dream ily. "Oh. I giuis It's some rats holding a ratification meeting lu the attic." A -lr.ie.lit Tip. Long -What's In a name, anyway? Short-(!o ask a bank cashier to dis count your note aud you'll probably find out. Little Willie Say, pa, what's a pence congress? Pa It's a company of men that makes war against war, Hnined by Hnan -Cleanlnc Missionary Wna It liquor that brought you to this? Imprisoned burglar No, sir; It was house-cicanlu' spring house-cleanlu', air. Missionary Eh! house-cleaning? Burglar Zeeab. The woman had been house-clcantn', nu' the stnlr carpet was up, an' the folks heard me. Tlt- Blta. or Course. e ' Tan you tell me, my good man, ahere they begin uumbcrlug this street?" "Why, at No. 1, of course!" Ileltere Welt. To Knrslve, Tommy's mamma To err Is human. To torgtvt Tommy (Interrupting) I know what to forgive is. Tommy's mamma-Well, what 1 It dear? Tommy-It's a sure thing that the other fellow eun lick you. Ohfawaa Tlmee Herald. An Immune. Proprietor 'Did Owena ever pay that little bill he owed us? Bookkeeper No, sir. Proprietor What's be doing now? ltookkivper 1 understand he Is the manager ot a concern for the collection If bad debts. Proprietor Oh. well, if that's the Dane Just charge the account to profit and loss. Took It to er.eif. Stubb-I made un awful blunder lest night. Penn What was It T Stubb-Wiiy.Totiuny called me about midnight and liked me what the noise ana OOWaatuirs. 1 told him It wu the ld cat. Peaa Wu it? ttubb Nog It was my wife looking for lee water. It took me until morn ing trying to couvluce her that 1 was alludlug to the uij vat with black fur and ulne Uvea. if ,Jl "And why did Caesar cross thi . con?" " 'Cauec he wanted to get on thtofiv IT CUUt. TplomcT. HTl'lll i ui you love me when I'm old" she asked. "Certainly," be replied promptly, "U you will love me when I am i,.m Philadelphia North America, I'qnlvocal. J. rtrutua Coldstuff-And wliat ul. ary do you draw now. Reginald ) Reginald Fire hundred par J. II. C.-Per w hat- year or mont"? Reginald Per-ha pa.- Tit-Ults. A Duhlniie Compliment. Young authoress (rending aloud)-But lThaps I weary you? Enthusiastic friend Ob, no; I long to hear the end of your itory-j'jf. Rita, No Cauar fnr I ,,.. "Great heavens.' What's the cause 0f all that yelling around the cortm"! Come! Let'a hurry; tUcn may be a murder." "Stay! Don't get excited. We're used to Hint. We hour It every day. There's a paialeta dentist's office around there,'' Chicago Tlmee Tferild, Rather Cruet. Tlie carpet knight Yes, Miss Vitriol, I have smcllcd powder. Miss VMriol Indeed! Infant or bw! Rnpldin livery Kenpect. Pearl My brother Is up In Canuli shooting the rapids. Hub j Indeed I Why that's just whin my brother Is doing. Pearl is he in Canada, too? Ruby-No; lie'a lu the Philippine) shooting the Filipinos on the run. InvUlble White, "Didn't I tell you not to shoot until you could see the whites of the eat mles" eyes?" thundered the Irate offl.w "Yls, sor," spoke up the Irish volo teer, "but, faith, th' Inemy hod t cued each It hers' oj-es so la l W folght over rurblous ihot we cutb'tn lny white at all." Always Heady. Guest-You fellows are alwayl tlie sea. Do you ever tuke a dip? Walter Very seldom, sir; hut never fall to take a tip. Fwreplna. Ida-Did you notice how that haughty tiling swept out the room with In1 elevated? If ay Yea, indeed, and don't roo know it reminded ma of mamma ik""1 home. She always BWeepi out lb rooms with head elevated. The Indlanlty of Kahnr. Perklns-I paid n very Interest visit to the asylum for the In HUH terday and was surprised to learn tM It Is self-supporting. Although ih'' D' mates are crazy, tbey work, neTirh less. Doiittie-Humph! Anybody work is craay. Ohio State Journal- ' I . o o post i to n on Hreathlng. - A boy. La years old. who was write all he could about breathing. couiisMltlon, handed lu the follow"1; "Breath Is made of air. We breM" with our lungs, our lights, our l,vt'rV kidneys. If it wasu't for our Draw We would die when we slept. 0 breath keeps the life u-golu,' Uirougu the nose when we ure asleep. that stay In a room nil day should 110 breathe. They should wait until thr get outdoors. Qlrlt kill the hre.i'u tH corsets that squeezes the aU Glrte can't holler or run like boyi ' cause tbar diagram Is snin-ezed i much. If I was a girl I had rawer a boy so I can run nml heller uud a a great big diagram." The Great Difference. An average pedestrian covers ai thirty Incises In ouch step. The avers wheelman at one revolution of U.s v ois (tbe equivalent of a step) aliout seventeen feet, nnd ns the moot Is so easy and devoid of fi he ataaXy raises mi foot twiiv aen In the some time, thus covering rnswr foar feet while the ped. iirlan goea and i half feet.