The Eugene City guard. (Eugene City, Or.) 1870-1899, November 11, 1899, Image 6

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    Eugene City Guard.
I. L. OAMPRRLL, fr..p,l.i,.,
J1 M. J I Jl
The corset truit is not la gooo rorm.
An Important question now la, will
tbe advance In the price of wire add
to tbe coat of political campaign?
Dewey may to a many sided man,
but Judging from the picture printed
be hun'l aa many aide a he has
In saying man la only a gorilla with
a consclnncc, Ir. Parkhurst venture
p riU.usly ' 1 '' to thwe people who
make monkey of thcmselvee.
Men who suffer from mlarepresnntn
tlon can't well complain. There may
he an good flh In the sea as ever were
caught and yet both probably buve
been lied alout.
There Is a woman on the Pacific
coaat who wants a divorce because her
husband Is a bookworm. Yet there
are people who profc to believe that
llturature's golden age at about to
dawu In this country.
A womnn who lias Iwen suing for di
vorce ha lM-'it ordered to pay fl a
week alimony to her husband pending
the decision of the court. Here la a aim.
that need the attention of tbe reform
era. Things are coming to a fine as
hi this country hen the court eipecta
a man to live on $4 a week.
The times are propitious for a change
In campaigning. The stump speech has
for some years been steadily losing
ground. It has lost much of Ha old
time thrill. It Is ho much the same
thhig. The people are outgrowing It.
The extravagance of phrase, the nvwp
of gesture, the venerable aneciloto
which cliaractiTlxe It arid carry It
along are not potent as tbey out were.
Voleea made to order are the latest
thing In surgery. Actual operation
have demonstrated that the luryni. or
vocal 1kx, can te miccesafully removed,
and the patient may not only survive
tlie shock, but recover. In order to re
tore spi-och to the patient on artlllclol
biryni and vocal cord nro providid.
Tlie voice artificially produced bj Incn
palJe of Inflection, hut, although It Is
a montonc, tiie patient Is perfectly able
to carry on a conversation.
While timely warning given by an
houcat press diminished the number of
thoe who followed the Klondike will
o' tbe wisp, yut there were thousund
who braved every danger to get much
less than would have been their with
half the effort had ihey remained nt
home. It I the distance which lends
encbaiitment to the view. It I safe to
Bay tliat for every dollar which bo so
far been taken out of tbe Klondike
couutry ten have been put In.
Americans have made two conquests
of Cuba. The first was by the army
and navy, the second by modern sani
tation. When the Island of Cuba wo over to the l ulted Htate by
Bpalu It waa the .llrtl. st apot 111 all the
world. The cities wi re plague spots.
And the problem wo tho more dllll
cult because of the Indifference of all
classes of citizens. Families kept pigs
and cowm lu one apartment of their
houses. There win no sewerage. There
bud basal uo renovation of llltby pre
mises for your, (ieorge It. Witling
gave up his life for Havana and lien
or a I Leonard Wood refused 50,000 a
year to go tack to Santiago when the
yellow fever broke out there. Thanks
to Waring, Havana I a cieau city and
In Santiago a miracle haa been
wrought by General Wood. Yellow
fever, whose food Is dirt. Inn been con
quered. The second conquest of Cuba
la no leas u mutter of prldo than the
The trouble that a little aquatic plnut
may make is Illustrated by the water
hyacinths, which are doing almost In
calculable damage In the Gulf States
by lining up the streams and paralysing
the lumber Industry, a the logs cannot
be flouted out of the livers nnd bayous
When they are choked up with these
plants: Congress has marlu an appro
priation for getting rid of them, und
Major Qulnn ha charge of the work.
The Major bus decided In favor of n
dreilgo which throws the hyacinth Into
a mill, much like a sugar mill, where
the hyacinth bulbs are crushed and ren
dered iucupuhlc of propagation. The
New oil. in- papers, however, favor a
chemical agency which haa already
lieen usid with succchs. The Tlmcs
Iiemocrat any: "There are probably
hundred of miles lu this section cov
ered with this plant to a density of
forty pounds to the square foot. No
mill could do all this crushing, and it
would (Hist thousands of dollars to do
tlie work, and It Is utmost Inconceiva
ble that the dredge will gather lu all
tlie hyaclnfba, utid therefore complete
ly eradicate them; and If but a few
cod are left It will start this water
pest once more, and we will have to do
over agalu what we art" now doing."
The chemicals, which were tried In a
tnllnne, dry up the nap and kill the
plant, and this without any danger to
fish, mid the plan I simple und Inex
pensive. "Even In palaces life may be lived
well," quotes Matthew Arnold. Mr.
Chamberlain holds that "people who
the lu comfortable houses with mud
ern Improvements ure happier than the
Inhabitants of snow-hut or dugouts."
Not only are they likely to bo happier,
but also of a higher humau type and
very way more noble. Moat right
minded iteople would sympathise with
the old gentleman who says, "1 never
ace a fine bouse without wishing that
everybody bud onethen i should have
one!" Of course, grovelling, slum
like habit of mind la posthlo ami.)
costly and elegant surroundings. To
tlie eye that sees all filings as they
are, there may be a sty behind the
front of marble or of browuatnne, and
a clean bit of heaven In the humblest
bm .-I An. I It la often necessary to
add that many people are consigned to
hovels by the grind and fraud which
have made tlie mansion possible. Hut,
other things lieltig equal, the environ
ment helps or hurt tbe whole mux;
and as a rule, Ills the expression of hi
loiialltle. the outgrowth of bis charac
ter unit life. At U) rate. It Is deslr
'able thai every human l lug should be
'well housed, well fed. well cladj also
that every hiiiiuiii Mill should help
himself to these things, wlth.iil
Isnatfiilng or crowding. Household"
I one of the sweetest words lu any
language. Therefore It Is worth while
for the young people lo put the creation
of a good home Into the program of
their life, to focalize their forces on
this point; to get und to save for the
realization of this beautiful dreum.
The widespread passion among men,
during tin- lust nnd present generation,
to accumulate wi-ulth suddenly has not
contributed to the elevation of hutuun
character or the betterment of our civ
ilization. Since th: war between the
States there has Imn a wild nisli for
riches. The war, like all TMt war,
dew-loped a luxuriant crop of rascals.
every one of whom was .leaf to the
dahlia of pntrlotlm ami honor, and
who for four years groveled among ihc
dead and the dying, and aiui.'si tbe
agonies of a punting, struggling coun
try for dollars. The result was Mint
mllllonnlres apeareil with the Hidden
loss of the mushroom In tlie nlg'it, and
Inoculated the whole county and poa
terlty with an abnormal love of money
and with a large measure of disregard
for the ways In which It mlgill be ac
cumulated. Hold, unprincipled men
np'snrod upon the scene of acllon, and
with marvelous, brilliant audacity,
flaunted the evidences of ill gotten
wealth until the desire to be rich ul
any price was uhiruilugly general, es
pcrlally among the young. Hut the
suggestive fact Is apparent that the
man who is satisfied wltii imxlerute
and steady gains, who la content to
tick to hi farm, nt his forge or his
bench, Is far more fortunate than the
average man who seeks fortune on Lbe
board of trade, In gold mine or among
diamond deposits. More wealth has
been expenibsl In traiisiHirtatlon and
supplies by the seeker for wealth In
tbe Klondike than has been tak.-ti from
Its golden repositories; and the snow
of the Inhospitable region are dotted
with tbe dead, and the region boa
echoed with the walls of the hopeless.
How at lipid Irishman Unfiled the
Knsjllsh - ..ii-.. ,.
An amusing story la told of tbe hoax
big of a Hrltlsh fleet by "a stupid Irish
man" during the recent naval uiuiicu
vera. It appears that during an attack
on Here Island by some of tbe vessels
of tbe "H" fleet the officer at the Hut
received lust ructions from Castletown
coast guard station to gather up all
telegrams and secret plans, send a man
away with tbe same to hide In a cave,
and on no account to let Ihem fall into
the enemy' bauds. Willi the remain
dcr of hla crew he wu then to show
light until the last. In the meantime an
attacking force of eighteen nieu and
on officer bad liecu huidtd, which
marched to the Hut and secured lta
surrender. All search for tho secret
pap. rs. however, proved useless, and
the men at the Hut maintained a pro
found alienee to nil Interrogation.
During the afternoon one of the men
of the Castletown coast-guard station
hud lss-n sent to Here Island with the
pay of the men. L'ion arrival Hui lu
proceeded at 0001 to the Hut (having
previously disguised hlmselfi und found
himself surrounded by Hie Invaders,
w ho wanted to know Ills business. He
s.s.. as an old naval pensioner, slat
ing that he was a native, and was try
lug, With the help of his small pension,
to make a living on the Island by cut
ting and sailing turf. He had provided
himself with a turf-cutting spado lu or
der to give color lo Ills story.
The sailors of tlie Invatlbig party
were very sympathetic, and ndvised
him to go to Knglnml, where he would
Is- sure of getting work In one of the
royal dockyards. After getting the In
vaders Into a good humor he Immedi
ately went In search of the man with
the secret documents lu his possession.
With the aid of some of tlie Islanders
he found the man he was lu search of,
tool, from him all the documents,
which he hid In two baskets of turf,
and returned to the Hut. Thla time
the sub lieutenant Lu charge of tlie In
vudors took him in luuul and closely
questloiusl hlin with a view to obtain
some reliable Information regarding
the defenders, but nil to no purpose.
At Inst the sub-Ueutetinnt dismissed the
man, with the remark that he wus the
moat stupid Irlshmun that he had ever
met. Little did the officer Imagine
Mint the supposed stupid Irishman whs
tlie very man they wanted, as nt the
time he had m his possession all the
documents the Invaders were search
ing for.
During the night the enemy's flotilla
left Hetvhnvon, going west, disconnect
ing tile telephone nt the Hut Is fore
leaving. Westminster (inxette.
Aa to a l'roposal.
She-Then you would advise me to
Her Father Dectdedtyl If you were
In love you wouldn't ask any advice.
Keeping Mice at a lllstanor.
One of the best mouse preventives Is
the foliage of the walnut tns:.. Kven
after the foliage has lieen dried It Is
said lo be effectual lu scurlug away
"IV-n't leave tbe table," said the
landlady, as her new boarder rose from
bis scanty breakfast. "I must, madam;
It's hard wood, and my teeth are not
what they une.1 to be." Tit-Bib
All tho world's a stage, but only a
few of um actors receive curtain calks.
jj rt ND to-morrow you leave Ml
AY " ",1 ,,o'k 10 lwlt uurrlJ
"Only for three months, dearest.
Then I shall come back Ut Kocksea and
Jala yon."
.lessie I'isile laid her pretty bead con
sented!)' on the rough tweed shoulder
f the Norfolk Jacket.
Will PrMtOD was a clever young ar
tist. Looking around for a suitable
;il,ue at which to stay the summer, be
Had stumbled across the Httle creeper eottaze where Ji-H!e Poole lived
und nursed tier bed-ridden father, atdi
bad Inductd them to let him make
their home his nliode during his stay. A J
thorough woman was Jessie, and as
such she nppi-alcd to the artist's tern- ;
pcranicnt. Beautiful she could hardly
be called, but her cli-ar gray eyes and I
the curve of bet small, Orm mouth
wmt straight to Will I'reston's heart, J
and before he was aware of It tbe lu-
evllable had happened.
Presently the ihaiMlf hind was,
raised from the collar of the Norfolk
Jacket, and a low voice Inquired:
"What are you going lo do with your
self this aflernoou, Will""
"Oh, I'm going to row out to that
picturesque old wreck uud tuke a few
sketches of It."
"Hut you are not going alone, Will,
are you? You know It's off a very dan
gerous part of the coast, and there are
a lot of cross current and sunken
rocks "
"Oh. that' all right, little one. Your
old admirer, Jem Barclay, Is 'bossing
the show.' He knows every Inch of the
const, and I've every confidence 111 him;
so you need have no qualms, dear, that
I shall not la' back safe after dark."
As he mentioned tlie name of his
guide Jessie looked up suddenly ami
Mined about to -p. ak. then appeared
to niter her mind, nnd was silent.
"So, tn-ta, dearest," he went on,
bending down and fondly kissing the
sweet lips Upturned to his. I must be
off. "The tide will be on the turu soon,
and It's a good two miles row."
The wreck toward which the little
bMt was rapidly cutting Its way was
all that remained of the schooner Bon
nie Belle. A year ago she had lieen
driven let n stefTtD on lo a sunken rocK.
At high tide merely a few feet of her
sole remaining slump of a mast was
visible, but at low water she was only
partially submerged.
As Will I'rcstoti lay hnck In the stern
of the Isiat lingering the tiller rop -a be
could not but admire the stalwart
figure lu front of bint, Jem Barclay
was a young fisherman, living down In
the village about n mile from Jessie
Boole's lonely cottage. Over six feet
lu height, and proportionately broad,
bis muscles stood out like bands of
st. si us he pulled uutlriugly at the
Soon they reached the wreck, nnd, as
It was now low tide, the boat wus pull
ed alongside, and they clumlicrcd up to
the sllpiory deck. The schoouor was
but u mere shell after all. ami as Will
lceivd down through what had OOCe
been the hatchway nothing was to he
seen but llieLnky blackness of the water
in tlie hold. He was startled from his
reverie by I laugh from his companion.
"A men wotildnu do much good, Mr.
Preston, once he got down there, eh?"
There was something In the man's
tone that Jarred unpleasantly upon the
artist's ear, and he answered Shortly;
"No; I think he could say good-by lo
"Then you can say good-by to yours,
for that's where you're going, my line
Will Preston tamed quickly round In
amazement ut the words, when, with
an outh, Barclay flung hluiKWf upou
him. and bore him backward. The
buck of his head struck Hie deck with
a crash, and he lost consciousness.
When his senses slowly came back
to him he found himself propiicd up
Willi bis arms against the mast, hi
arms passed backward round it, and
bis hand lightly isiuud together nt the
of her side. Ills cap had lireii forced
Into his mouth, and his haudkercklef
Is. uu.l tightly round, forming a most
(He lent gag. Before bliu slmsl Jem
Barclay, his arms folded and hi black
eyes flashing triumphantly.
"Yell see, I've changed my inltid." he
begun. "It seemed a pity to chuck you
down in t' hold. You wouldn't ha' had
time to think over things. Oh. y.-s. I
know she refneed me a year ago, but
I'd ha' won Iter right enough In time
If you hadn't come with your line ways
and oily tongue. Now I'm going to
wish you good by. It's, lie high tide at
1) o'clock, and then f sn will be a foot
abism your bend. Happen you'd like to
M how- the time goes, though. Well,
you shall."
He limk his knife from Ills peCfcel and
drove the slnt Into the mast a few
Incites abOTe hi victim's head. Then
he approached the artist with the in
tention of taking Ids watch from his
pocket to hang It Uhvu the Improvtsvd
hook, but Preston, though his hands
were tin!, had the use of his feet, and
as his tormentor came within reach he
lunged out with sll his force.
Taken unawares, the man sprang
backward to avoid the blow. ami. for
getful of the hatchway hchtnd him,
lost his balance atsl Ml down It. In
falling he turned half an-und aud. with
B sickening thud, hi temple came In
contact with the further side of tbe
apt aim a '"'
Will heard the splnsh of his body In
the water, and waited, horror-struck,
for auy further sound, hut nothing met
his eara save the wusli of tbe wove.
He struggled to free himself, so that
be might try and M VI bis would lie
murderer, but though be strained until
tbl cords cut Into his wrists It WM use
less. Tlie fisherman had dors' hi work
only too well, ind bad himself kept
back the bets that might, perhaps,
have saved him.
And ns tbe utter linisssl!lllfy of free
ing himself and tbe mereaatng peril of
his own situation became apimrent to
Will, pity for bis dead rival gave place
to horror at tbe death mi slowly but
relentlessly approaching. lie tried to
wriggle up by clasp lug the mast with
his legs; he found It Imposalbll, and
blank despair Is-gan to creep over him.
The tide bnd already turned nnd was
cris ping through tbe broken bulwarks,
and soon tbe tint wave enme gently
washing along the disk, nearly reach
lag his feat Again he strained and
tugged at his bonds In vain. He turned
hi eyes longingly toward the boat,
which had been moored to the side of
the schooner, and then Indeed be gave
up hoe, for It was gone.
The rape had been too loosely tk d.
nnd there was the boat, already fifty
yards away, drifting with tbe Incom
ing tide.
The sun was dipping toward the cliffs
overhanging Ids sweetheart's cottage,
nnd be knew that he had hut nn hour
or two longer lo live unless help came,
and that he felt was almost Impossible.
Soon the water renchid his knees,
then in little ripples circled round bis
Another half-hour passed, nnd the
cliffs were lost to view, while the
lights iH'gan to twinkle In the village
ami along the little wooden pier. High
er nnd higher rose the water until It
reached his shoulders, and he began to
feel chill and numb. Irecntly the
b.-at beat of a steamer's paddles came
wafted over UM shimmering sen, and
with a wlhl thrill of hope be turned bis
'os, there she was, gliding along
swiftly and smoothly, her portholes
and saloons brightly lit and the stratus
of the baud coming to blm cheerily as
she churned her homeward course, the
passengers Joining In song In happy
content lifter the pleasures of the day.
Oh. If he could only get rid of that
suffocating gag bis cries might be
heard. But uo sound came from his
aching throat, and the pleasure st. am
er glided ou her way.
Aud vow the water reacted his chin,
and he knew his life could hv number
ed by minute only. He tlxcd his weary
eyes upon one light that glimmered
Btnttlka on the side of tho cliff, away
from the others. He knew It came from
the little room where his love would be
waiting ami wondering what kept him.
As he looked the light scenicd to go
out fur all Iturtunt; tlvuu It SWpeSMWl
again; again disappeared, and once
more (la sins I Into sigjit. What did It
mean? Suddenly It struck him thut It
was something on the surface of the
water which kept coming between his
eyes nnd the light. Could It Is1 n boat?
He strained his ears, ami fancied he
could hear the rattle of the oars In the
rowlocks. Y'es, yes. It was a boat
Doming straight toward him, too. And
ut Inst a straggling moonbeam came
slanting across the sea, and doubt gave
place to oortnuity, for, although still a
tit k aneorB.
long way off, he could dis-tlngulsh n
figure In the bout a llgure that canted
ids pulses to throb wildly, the Dgure of
a girl. Would she, could site, do It In
time? He was standing now on the
very tips of his toes, nnd even then an
occasional wave, higher than the rest,
would wash into his nostrils, and give
bim n foretaste of What was to come.
Nearer and nearer came the IhmiI, ami
higher rose the wafer. Could 01 hold
out? The strain was nwfuL
"Whatever can have come to those
two?" Qderied Jeeaie, n. the Widows
lengthened, aud still do will appeared.
Throwing a shawl arOUnd her, she
strolled out Into the evening, and look
isl away over the sea. She could not
uitike out the mast of the wreck lu the
falling light, but something bobbing
about at the fiH.i of the diff arretted
her attention.
"It looks like a Isvat!" she ganpad,
with sudden foniiodltig. And lu nu In
stant she was spoiling down the path.
a moment more and she had reached
the shore, and then', not twenty yttrds
away, she recognised Jem Barclay's
lsat empty; uud something of the
truth flashed Uhii her.
"Merciful beavenP she moaned. "Tile
Isvat has got adrift and left them ou the
There was no time to run to the vil
lage for help. What. had to Is- done
must Ik- dune quickly. With a fervent
prayer the brave girl dashed Into tlie
water. Clambered over UM side, un
ehlpped tue oars, and Ui another minute
tlie bow was OOCe more turned sca
ward and the little bout was speeding
to the rescue.
At last, after a lifetime of doubts
and fears, she turned and sow tbe
sunken must stamllng out In bold con
trast to the silvery pathway caused by
the rising moon; and at the base, on
the surface of tbe water, there was
something else something round and
wih redoubled energy and panting
breath she tugged desperately at tbe
oars, heedless of the blisters on her lit
tle huuds.
It wa indeed a race for life or death,
and It seemed that, after nil, her effort
hail been lu vain, for ai tbe boat
bumped against the nut the head of
her lover dropped forward and sank
out of aight. With a piercing cry she
flung herself forward and caught him
by the hair; then, moving her band
lower, she grnsnd bis collar und pulled
with all her might.
In au Instant the gag was removed,
and then ioor Jess was plunged Into
despair again ns she found hi hands
tied und she realized thut her little
Angers were powerless to loose tbi
knotted rope, und she had no knife.
Theu her eyes caught sight of Harclay'i
knife sticking lu the iniit above bli
victim's head. With a cry of delight
she seized It, and In another moment
the Isiiuls were severed. At tbe risk of
capsizing the boat she dragged UM
precious burden slowly aud painfully
on Issird; and at last he lay, uncon
srluos still, but breathing, with his
bead pillowed ou her lap.
Breaking nnd entering a dwelling
house for the purpose of serving a
writ of replevin, after admittance ha
been demanded and refused. Is held lu
Kelley vs. Schuyler (It. I.), 41 L. It. A.
loo, to constitute the officer a tres
passer. After a Judlclul sepuratlon, although
the marriage Is not dissolved, It I held,
In people ex rel. commissioners of puis
lie charities vs. Dalian (N. Y.). 44 L. It.
.v. 420, that the marriage relation Is so
fur terminated or suspended that the
husband cannot be gullly of the statu
tory offense of abandonment or deser
tion. The fact that a foreign Insurance
company bud nuthorlzed service of
process to be made ou the Secretary of
Stat.- Is held, lu Connecticut Mutual
Life Insurance Company vs. Sprutley
(Tenn.), 44 L. II. A. 441', Insufficient to
prevent valid service from being made
ou an agent of tbe company, who has
come luto the State ou business rela
ting to the settlement of tlie loss.
The dissent from a sealed verdict by
one Juror when the Jury Is polled, after
sealing a verdict anil separating, made
on tlie ground that he did not agree to
the verdict except because he thought
he was obliged to, Is held. In Kramer
re, Ulster (Pa.), 44 L. 1L A. 41i' to
make a discharge of the Jury neces
sary, and prevent the rendition of any
subsequeut verdict lu the case ou thut
A deposit In n savings bnnlt In trust
for the owner of the money and another
person a Joint owner, subject to the
order of either, and the balance nt the
death of either to belong to the survi
vor, 1 held, lu Milholliilid vs. Whuleu
(Mil.), 44 L. B. A. 203, to constitute a
valid declaration of trust In favor of
the survivor ns to the balance of the
fund remaining on the death of either,
although the settlor mains possession
of the bank book.
He Take Stroll of 70,000 Mile
Eerj fr'ecoml.
If the average old luuu of compara-ll,-lj
siueiiuuj UuUius weie lolil that
during bis Hie he had walked us many
miles as would compass tfie eurtb at
tlie equator six times he would prob
ably be very much surprised. Aud yet
such a (icdestriau effort only represent!
an average walk of six miles a day fur
a period of sixty-eight yeara.
Similarly, the muu who Is content
with the dully average walk of four
miles will consider himself an athlete
ou learning that every year be walks
a distance equal to a trip from Loudou
to A theus.
When oue considers the aggregate
walking records of the world the llg
urcs are eveu more surprising. Assum
ing that each Individual averages a
four-mile walk a day (aud this canuot
be considered nn extravugnut estimate
when one remembers that Thomas
Pblppa, of Klughaiii, has walked 440,
uoo tulles on postal duty nlotiu), the
startling conclusion Is arrived at that
the World covers u Journey of 08,444
miles every time the clock ticks, ulglit
ami day.
This means that the world's walking
record for a second of time Is equal to
two trlii round the equator and more
than thirteen Jaunts between London
and Naples. Kvery minute the aggre
gate man walks a distance equul to
eight return trips to the moon, supple
mented by over fifteen walks rouud tbe,
earth's wulst.
lu an hour he could walk as far as
the sun aud back again, tako a trip to
the moon i from the eurtb) 140 times,
While si 111 leaving himself a stroll of
Hki.ihh) miles to finish the cigar be lit
at the commencement of his journey of
sixty minutes. But considering the rate
of his progress It Is probable that eveu
a slow smoker might require a second
cigar before Ilulshlng the walk.
In a single year the aggregate man
walks a distance of 1,180,000000,000
miles, which, after all. Ineoucelvably
great as It Is, would take hliu less than
one-eleventh part of the way to the
nearest Sled star.
It is well for the aggregate man's ex
chequer that he walks these dlstauees
Instead Of covering them by rail At
the rate of a penny a mile the world's
annual w alk would cost 0,128,000,000,
or ten times ns much gold as Is current
throughout the entire world. To pur
chase a ticket for this distance It would
be necessary to mortgage the entire
United Kingdom to three-fourths of Its
full value. London Mail.
Journey Around ihe World,
The time required for a Journey
around the earth by a man walking day
and night, with.. . would .',.
LIS days; an express train. V;
sound, at a medium temperature, oiiuj
hours; a cannon ball, 2l hours; light,
a little over 1-10 of a second aud eleo
triclty, passing over n copper wire, a
little under 1-10 of a second.
Sail News Indeed.
Kind Old Man-My lad. what are you
crying about?
few I n m . .
coping niiy lo-morrow's my birth
day, and my uucle wus going to give
IHC a Watch bill lb., ,lnAH mmv 1..
can't live till morning.
If all our w label were gratified life
would aoon become monotonous
Jokes aid JnkcleU that Anlsppoud
to lluvc lieen Ueccntly Uorn-Hajlna
uud Uulng tliut Are Old, Curious uud
Luuuhuble-The Week's Uuuor,
The philosopher-The empty barrel
gives the loudest sound.
The imlltlclun-Tbere'i where you
are wrong. During a political cam
paign a bur'l filled with boodle talks
the loudest.
A ulht MUundrntiindlnr.
"Will roa have some pate de fole
grus. uncle'," usked the hostile of bvr
riirul relative, who waa dlulug with
'Will I have a Plate for gross?"
echoed the old man In astonish nuut.
Say, do you think I'm Nebucbadeuex-
lar or a horse?"
Never Too Late to Mr, el.
Naggs -Dear ine, Jaggs, I'm sorry to
see you 111 this condition. I understood
you bnd quit drinking.
Jnggs Yesh (blc), iho I 'ave, ol chap.
Jush (hie) lef off drluklu' 'bout (blc)
minute ugo, sbee?
On to III . urve.
Beckleea youth Father, dear, would
It lie asking loo much for you to ad
vance me a small loan say ulnut $."o?
The governor-Not at all, my son.
Vou might ask me for double the
amotintwith equal likelihood of getting
It. Vou can't afford to be modest In
these little rcqui-wt n bit more than I
can afford to gruut them. -Ohio Stale
I'urt of the Husim- s.
Mrlsket- What "r7r.i
day, Mrs. Style? '""Ha
Mrs. H.-Kcud me a m nf
and be lure It Is fru,
iiri.ket-A Maei abeep Si
Mrs. 8.-Yes; We art 1
you kuow.-TIt inta.
"Then you mean to ,
told a lie?" 1 Its
"Well, no; I don't v, t .
ru.le as that, but I wlU say ZV
make a very good Weather nronJ'
Tit lilts. ' k'.
Food for the Ktad. A.
rage boy-I want two, ;,.
sausage, aud cook saVH u oi .
tin,! ... I ,..,.. ... . ' SUU I
,u""' up lu . J
j ii uiia. I
Mot H.rd to A,,,,,,
"Most successful man, that when
ever he bus n Job on band be always
bus It curried out!"
"Indeed! What is be?"
"An undertaker!" Judy.
Hi Little Jnk.
"John," said the politician's wife.
Waking him up about 2 a. in., "what's
thut noise?"
"That noise?" echoed John, dream
ily. "Oh. I giuis It's some rats holding
a ratification meeting lu the attic."
A Tip.
Long -What's In a name, anyway?
Short-(!o ask a bank cashier to dis
count your note aud you'll probably
find out.
Little Willie Say, pa, what's a pence
Pa It's a company of men that
makes war against war,
Hnined by Hnan -Cleanlnc
Missionary Wna It liquor that
brought you to this?
Imprisoned burglar No, sir; It was
house-cicanlu' spring house-cleanlu',
Missionary Eh! house-cleaning?
Burglar Zeeab. The woman had
been house-clcantn', nu' the stnlr carpet
was up, an' the folks heard me. Tlt-
or Course.
e '
Tan you tell me, my good man,
ahere they begin uumbcrlug this
"Why, at No. 1, of course!" Ileltere
To Knrslve,
Tommy's mamma To err Is human.
To torgtvt
Tommy (Interrupting) I know what
to forgive is.
Tommy's mamma-Well, what 1 It
Tommy-It's a sure thing that the
other fellow eun lick you. Ohfawaa
Tlmee Herald.
An Immune.
Proprietor 'Did Owena ever pay that
little bill he owed us?
Bookkeeper No, sir.
Proprietor What's be doing now?
ltookkivper 1 understand he Is the
manager ot a concern for the collection
If bad debts.
Proprietor Oh. well, if that's the
Dane Just charge the account to profit
and loss.
Took It to er.eif.
Stubb-I made un awful blunder lest
Penn What was It T
Stubb-Wiiy.Totiuny called me about
midnight and liked me what the noise
ana OOWaatuirs. 1 told him It wu the
ld cat.
Peaa Wu it?
ttubb Nog It was my wife looking
for lee water. It took me until morn
ing trying to couvluce her that 1 was
alludlug to the uij vat with black fur
and ulne Uvea.
if ,Jl
"And why did Caesar cross thi .
" 'Cauec he wanted to get on thtofiv
HTl'lll i
ui you love me when I'm old"
she asked.
"Certainly," be replied promptly, "U
you will love me when I am i,.m
Philadelphia North America,
J. rtrutua Coldstuff-And wliat ul.
ary do you draw now. Reginald )
Reginald Fire hundred par
J. II. C.-Per w hat- year or mont"?
Reginald Per-ha pa.- Tit-Ults.
A Duhlniie Compliment.
Young authoress (rending aloud)-But
lThaps I weary you?
Enthusiastic friend Ob, no; I long
to hear the end of your itory-j'jf.
No Cauar fnr I ,,..
"Great heavens.' What's the cause 0f
all that yelling around the cortm"!
Come! Let'a hurry; tUcn may be a
"Stay! Don't get excited. We're used
to Hint. We hour It every day. There's
a paialeta dentist's office around there,''
Chicago Tlmee Tferild,
Rather Cruet.
Tlie carpet knight Yes, Miss Vitriol,
I have smcllcd powder.
Miss VMriol Indeed! Infant or bw!
Rnpldin livery Kenpect.
Pearl My brother Is up In Canuli
shooting the rapids.
Hub j Indeed I Why that's just whin
my brother Is doing.
Pearl is he in Canada, too?
Ruby-No; lie'a lu the Philippine)
shooting the Filipinos on the run.
InvUlble White,
"Didn't I tell you not to shoot until
you could see the whites of the eat
mles" eyes?" thundered the Irate offl.w
"Yls, sor," spoke up the Irish volo
teer, "but, faith, th' Inemy hod t
cued each It hers' oj-es so la l W
folght over rurblous ihot we cutb'tn
lny white at all."
Always Heady.
Guest-You fellows are alwayl
tlie sea. Do you ever tuke a dip?
Walter Very seldom, sir; hut
never fall to take a tip.
Ida-Did you notice how that haughty
tiling swept out the room with In1
If ay Yea, indeed, and don't roo
know it reminded ma of mamma ik""1
home. She always BWeepi out lb
rooms with head elevated.
The Indlanlty of Kahnr.
Perklns-I paid n very Interest
visit to the asylum for the In HUH
terday and was surprised to learn tM
It Is self-supporting. Although ih'' D'
mates are crazy, tbey work, neTirh
Doiittie-Humph! Anybody
work is craay. Ohio State Journal-
' I . o o post i to n on Hreathlng.
- A boy. La years old. who was
write all he could about breathing.
couiisMltlon, handed lu the follow"1;
"Breath Is made of air. We breM"
with our lungs, our lights, our l,vt'rV
kidneys. If it wasu't for our Draw
We would die when we slept. 0
breath keeps the life u-golu,' Uirougu
the nose when we ure asleep.
that stay In a room nil day should 110
breathe. They should wait until thr
get outdoors. Qlrlt kill the hre.i'u tH
corsets that squeezes the aU
Glrte can't holler or run like boyi '
cause tbar diagram Is snin-ezed i
much. If I was a girl I had rawer
a boy so I can run nml heller uud a
a great big diagram."
The Great Difference.
An average pedestrian covers ai
thirty Incises In ouch step. The avers
wheelman at one revolution of U.s v
ois (tbe equivalent of a step)
aliout seventeen feet, nnd ns the
moot Is so easy and devoid of fi
he ataaXy raises mi foot twiiv aen
In the some time, thus covering rnswr
foar feet while the ped. iirlan goea
and i half feet.