The Corvallis gazette., July 10, 1891, Image 3

THE CORVALLIS GAZETTE, FRIDAY, JULY 10, 1891.
Highest of all in Leavening "Power.
ABSOUJfEI PURE
A Serious Humorist.
My story is a sad one, and won't take long to
toll.
To any sort of metre I can suit it just as well.
You'll understand my misery before the tale
is done.
It all befrnn one hapless day the day I made
a pun;
And ever since that fatal hour the people do
declare
That I became a humorist, alas! rifrut then
and there;
Though to be considered serious I'd give a lot
of money.
Whatever i may say or do, they will insist it's
funny.
I might perhaps have since escaped the dire
ful consequences
Had I not penned a feeble joke when hardly
in my senses.
'Twas printed in a paper of tremendous circu
lation, And I was dubbed a humorist by all the
lauphin-r nation.
In vain 1 tried to prove myself a libelled indi
vidual. The fatal truth confronted me the joke was
quite original.
Where'er I went there followed me that dread
ful reputation.
And every word I spoke aroused uproarious
cacuinnauon,
If I remarked in casual tones upon the gloomy
weather.
The people lnup-hcd until they cried, and
laughed and cried together;
When I gave information of some accident
distressing.
They roared with mighty merriment exceed
ingly depressing:
And when I failed in business, and despair
ingly told my wifo,
Shp, laughing, vow'd I'd never been so funny
in my life!
1 dressed in sombre black, assumed a gr;m,
funereal air.
And spoke in woe-enveloped tones, my face
distraught with care.
I wept a little when I could, all steep'd in
melancholy.
But peopleonly laughed again, and whispered.
"Ain't he jolly!"
In fact, the more that I became a sacrifice
to
sxdness.
The morel met the wretched glee that drove
me near to madness.
Full half my time is spent in declining press
ing invitations
To humorous banquets and to write for comic
publications.
And scented notes and letters couched in
words as sweet as honey
"Now won't you send your autograph? and
please to make it tunny-"
If I should sink beneath my trials, and leave
this mortal sphere.
The world would give me credit for the best
joke of the year;
And doubtless folks who come to gaze upon
my monument
Would lind it. quite impossible to keep their
laughter pent.
Tls useless to deny it now, alack! the mis
chiefs done.
And T must be a humorist, tho an uncon
scious one.
I've only this request to make, which no one
can resist :
Pleaso call me in my epitaph the Serious
Humorist.
Herbert Hall Winslow, in Harper's Maga
zine. What Prim'Mve Man Ate.
Primitive man, wherever he was first
cast, whether in one center or more
that, one, must of necessity have found
" liis lood in the plant world. We can
not imagine him commencing his
career learned in the arts of hunting,
killing, and cooking the lower animals
for food. Many infer from this circum
stance that the argument in favor of
the vegetarian practice is copied direct
from nature, signed and delivered by
her. Not quite so fast. There is one
interposing barrier to the free accept
ance of vegetarian deed and act of con
veyance of food from nature to man.
Nature herself, of her own right royal
will, makes for animals, herbivorous
and carnivorous, one distinctive ani
mal food: a section from the living ani
mal organization, a fluid which is a
standard food meat and drink in one
the fluid known under the name of
milk. Against absolute vegtarianism,
then, we may fairly set up one excep
tion derived from nature as the unerr
ing guide. On observing the habits of
animals we discover another natural
lact. We find that animals of quite
different natures, in respect to primitive
selection of food, possess the power of
changing their modes of feeding and
of passing over, as it were, from one
class to another. This change is dis
tinct but limited, and we must accept
it with all its extension on the one side
and all its limitation on the other. The
fruit-eating ape can be taught under
. privation to subsist on animal diet; a
dog can I believe be taught to subsist
on vegetable diet. But it would be
as impossible to teach a sheep to eat
flesh as it would be to make a lion feed
on grass. Longman's Magazine.
The Cost of Street Railways.
In view of the threatened inflic
tion of more cable lines in Chicago
some tables of cost recently published
by the Electrical World are'interesting.
From these it appears that the cost of
equipment for a five-mile horse railway
is $9,400 per mile: for an electric road
of the same length, $38,200; for a cable
road, $72,300; and for a gas-engine car
equipment, $8,600. The cost of run
ning the horse railway is $9,154 per
mile per year; electric road, 4,469.10;
cable road, $9,440.50; gas-engine road,
$2,201.60. As regards cable traction, it
is calculated that, at the best, at least
75 per cent, of the entire amount of
power used is needed to simply run the
cable without any load; and if only
about 10 per cent of the entire energy
of the coal is used in making steam one
can readily see how extravagant such
. a system must be.
The following frank statement fiom J. E.
Hare, of Trenton, Texas, will be. of interest
to many of our citezens. "My little boy
was very bad off for two months with diar
rhoea. We used various medicines, also call
ed in two Doctors, but nothing done him any
good until we used Chamberlain's Colic,
Cholera and Diarrhoea Remedv, which gave
immediate relief and goon cared him. I con
sider it the best medicine made and can con
scientiously reccoinmend it to all who need
a diarrhoea or colic medicine." For sale by
T. Graham, druggist.
Don't buy a washer until you have seen
(be pacific thoroughly tested.
U. S. Gov't Report, Aug. 17, 1889.
A MESSAiiJii.
It was a curious story, and since yon
have all told some experience of your
own, to help the time along this rainy
day, I don't mind if 1 tell it. It hap
pened ten years ago, and soon after
my husband died.
I was left very poor, and I was very
thankful when my uncle John wrote
to me that if I would come to London,
he would give me a home and steady
wages to help him in his shop. He was
a florist, and had a nursery in the sub
urbs and a shop in town. It was not a
very big shop nor a very large nursery
but he had a reputation for cultivating
rare choice flowers, and his business
was with rich people, who would pay
any price for something that was not
common.
I had not been long with him before
he began to depend upon me to fill his
best orders, for I had a natural gift for
arranging flowers, and my baskets and
bouquets were much admired.
So, one. morning when I went in, I
was not surprised when he said to me:
"I want you to go to No. , Oscar
street, to dress a room for a funeral.
It is a big order. Old Mrs. llolwell is
dead, and there will be no end of swell
people there."
I went on the car, and the wagon
with tho flowers was there to meet me.
While I was busy about the room, the
coflin was brought down, and a lady
came to me.
"Can you arrange tho flowers in the
coffin? I can't bear to look at a
corpse," she said.
"Yes, ma'am," T said, and she went
away; and the undertaker's men, they
went away.
I was alone in large, half-dark par
lors, with only the coflin for company.
I was not particularly brave, and I did
shiver when I took a box of loose
flowers, and went over to dress the
corpse with them. But the old lady ly
ing there, with her soft white hair and
pretty lace eap, had nothing horrible
about her unless it was the coflin. Her
lips had a faint smile, and as I put the
white flowers around her faec,I touch
ed the cheek gently. My heart seemed
to stop, for it was warm. Many times
had I touched a corpse?, and I knew
the feeling. I was half-suffocated,
when both my wrists were grasped, t
and Mrs. llolwell drew herself up by
them and opened her eyes.
"Marie," she said in a faint voice,
"Marie, I am afraid of Timothy and
his wife; but if I die, Marie, look in
the false drawer of my dressing-case." j
Her voice was scarcely more than a
whisper, but every word was distinct, j
It was silly of me, I know, but I gave
one scream and dropped in a dead
faint. j
When I came to myself there was an
old woman bathing my face, and as
soon as she saw me open my eyes, she
said: I
"There, you feel better now, don't
""' "ouuei 301 weie uigiuen-
all She. isn't here. hpv've taknn her
up stairs, and the doctor is with her
and her nephew and niece, and I'll go,
if you feel all right, for I am her
nurse."
"But is she alive?" I asked.
"Yes, dear. It was a trance, they
say, and she is coming out of it. There,
can you get up?"
She gave me a glass of wine, and I
went back to the shop.
But the very same week uncle John
had another funeral order for Mrs. Hol
well, and she must have been dead that
time, for she was buried, but I could
not dress the room. I think I should
have died if I had tried.
But after she was buried I thought
very often about what she had said,
and I wondered if I ought to go there
and tell her folks about it. It was real
ly only a nervous dread of going near
the house that prevented me, and, af
ter all, it was none of my business.
It must have been several months af
terwards, for it was warm weather,
and Mrs. Holwell died in October, when
one day, as I was dressing some bas
kets, in walked the old woman who
had brought me out of the faint.
"Deary me!" she said, "I do believe
you are the woman who was with old
Mrs. Holwell when she came to life."
I nodded, and she said:
"It didn't do her much good, for she
died, fair and square, that same night.
They didn't dress her for the grave till
they were sure she was dead."
"Did she spenk again?"! asked.
"Speak! Save us, no. Did she speak
to you?"
"Yes." I said.
"What did she say?"
I was sorry I had" said so much, so I
answered:
"She gave me a message for Marie."
"What was it?"
"I can't tell anybody but Marie.
Who is Marie?"
"I don't know as I'll tell you, seeing
you are so close-mouthed yourself. Be
sides, I am good friends to Miss Gra
ham, and j'oii are so free with your
Marie's too. I never called her Marie."
"Well, that was all the name I heard,
and if you are her friend you had bet
ter send her here to get the message.
Was she a relation of Mrs. Hoi well's?"
"No; she was an adopted daughter. I
She might have been some distant con
nection of the family I don't know.
But Mrs. Holwell was very fond of her
and never was an own child petted or
made more of. The family thought
she would be remembered handsomely
in the will. You see the old lady was
took sick sudden, and off her 'head
from the first. Mr. Timothy llolwell
and his wife, that the old lady couldn't
abear, neither of them, they came in
as soon as she was dangerously sick,
and they sent for me. Mr. Timothy,
he was old Mr. Holwell's nephew, aiid
Mrs. Timothy, she was JJLrs. Holwell's
niece; so thev did have some claim,
beinsr next-of-kin; and they just turn
ed Miss Graham out of the room, and
I had orders not to let her in. But
did. for all, and many a uixht she has
cried and cried over her adopted moth
er because she did not know her, and
petted and kissed her. It was shame
ful to keep her out, and the breath was
not ffone from the old tatty s tiociy oe
fore Mrs. Timothy sent her out of the
house. She was" at the funeral, poor
child, all in deep black."
"Where is she now?"
"You tell me your secrets and I will
tell you mine," said the hateful old
woman. "She is getting her living in
a shop, and that's all j ou'll get out of
me.
And not another word would she say.
But I made up my mind then t hat the
old lady had actually come back from
the grave to send that message to Ma
rie, and 1 was determined to deliver it-
Uncle John had told me that a lawver
a Mr. Hughes was paying the bills
and settling up the property.
. I worried and studied over it for al
most a week, and determined to go to
! Mr. Hughes.
j He was an old gentleman, and a busy
I one, but very good natured. 1 told all
! about it, excepting what the old lady
j said, and that I wasn't going to tell to
j anybody but the person it was intend
ed lor.
He was very grave over my story
and at last said:
"You want to see Miss Graham?"
"Yes, sir. It may not make any dif
ference, but I think she ought to know
what Mrs. Holwell said.
"Yes, she ought to know. I will ask
her to meet you here tomorrow."
So the next day I went back. The
sweetest young lady I ever saw was in
Mr. Hughes's office, and she said to me
"You may speak before Mr. Hughes,
I have no secrets he may not hear."
So I gave the message word for
word, and they both spoke at once
"The lost will!"
Then Miss Graham told me that Mrs,
Holwell had made a will, leaving her
a handsome property, but it. could not
be found. Mr. Hughes had drawn it
up, but JVlrs. llolwell kept it herself.
When it was missing, Mr. Timothy
and his wife were the next heirs, and
Mr. Timothy would have come in any
how, for what his uncle left by his will.
It was only Mrs. Hoi well's own money
that was leit to JUiss tri-aham; butMrs
limotliy took; that when there was no
will found. The dressing-case was one
the old lady had bought in Paris years
before, and nobody but Miss Graham
and herself knew about the secret
drawer.
It was none of my business to ask
questions, so I went away, but Miss
Graham did not forget me.
She came one day not long after and
told me that Mr. Hughes had insisted
upon one more search for the will, and
had found it in the dressing-case. It
gave Miss Graham a handsome house
that Airs. Holwell had rented to other
people while she lived, and an income
that made her rich.
She was so grateful to me that I real
ly think she would have given me half
her money had I asked her. But she
has not forgotten me.- She helped ed
ucate my two boys, and Mr. Hughes
has one one of them in his office now,
ana sue never buys a rosebud any
where but at my shop. It is mine now.
Uncle John left it to me when he died,
and my eldest son is with me in the
business.
We furnished the flowers for Miss
Graham's wedding two years after Mrs,
Holwell died, and a prettier bride I
never saw.
Her husband comes in for flowers for
her, and she comes in the carriage with
her children and l.i.vs all t.hev can ear.
. J
ry home,
And we have a standing order for
the cemetery lot where old Mrs. Hol
well lies, and all summer it is one mass
of growing plants, anil in winter we
send out cut flowers twice a week.
Yes, Marie Graham was grateful;
but I only did my duty, when I under
stood the importance of the message
which was as one from the grave.
They Made Him Tired.
It's getting hard for a plain man of
ordinary, everyday, practical tastes to
get on in the world now. When he
comes to the city and expects to see the
sights he is taken to picture galleries
and theatres with strong French plays in
progress and to bric-a-brac exhibitions.
A simple honest countryman was
taken to a picture gallery and a violent
and persistent effort made to entertain
him with a subject he did not care
about. They showed him around the
gallery, they expatiated on the great
pictures, the superb art, and all that
sort of thing. He said nothing until
he reached a window which looked out
on the street. Then as a horse-car
went rattling by, he turned wearily to
his artistic friend and said: "What
kind of axle-grease do they use in this
town?" San Francisco Chronicle.
Wesley O'Day, a 20-year-old farm
hand of "Nevada, Mo., has fallen heir
to nearly $2,000,000. He has gone to
Albany.'N. Y., to join, his uncle, a
brother and sister there, who together
with him fall heir to $8,000,000. O'Day
has been in extreme poverty for the
last eight years, having run away from
home when 12 years of age. He re
ceived authentic information, before
leaving that the apportionment had
been made, and his share amounts to
$1,666,000.
Consumption Cured.
An old physician, retiied from practice,
having had placed in his hands by an East
India missionary the formula of a simple
vegetable remedy for the speedy and uei-
manent cure of consumption, bronchiti: 1
catarrh, asthma aud all throat and lung af
fection?, also a positive and radical cure for
nervous debility and all nervous complaints,
after having tested its wonderful curative
powers in thousands of cases, has felt it his
duty to make it known to his suffering fel
lows. Actuated by this motive and a desire
to relieve human suffering, I will send free
of charge, to all who desire it, this receipe.
in German, French, or English, with full
directions for preparing aud using. Sect
by mail by addressing with stamp, naming
tlds paper. W. A. Notes, 820 Powers'
Block. Rochester, N. Y.
See those embroidered
Ladies' Bazar.
shawls at the
Willamette Valley
10 and 20 acre forms all in cultivation and ready to set to
r uitw it bin seven miles of Oregon's capital, for $75 per acre one
iourthcash and the balance in three equal annual payments; or
set out to fruit and cultivated three years for $175 per acre.
For further information send for pamphlet to
A New Typewriter:
International'
A strictly tirst-class machine. Fully
warranted. Made from the very best ma
terial, by skilled workmen, and with the
best tools that have ever heen devised for
the purpose. Warnnted to do all that c:m
be reasonably expected of the very best
typewriter extant. Capable of writing loO
words per minute or more according to
the ability of the operator. A machine'
that will manifold more than donble the
number of sheets than any other typewriter
without affecting the alignment in any re-
pect, as on this machine the algument is
indestructible.
PBICK - - $100.
If there is no aeent in your town, address
us on the subject as we are mora liberal
with our Agents than any other Company
in our line.
fatsm&tinal Tjpsvritisg Co.,
2 PARK SQ., BOSTON, MASS.
Agents Wanted.
Caveats, and Trade-Marks obtained, and all Pat
ent business conducted for Moderate Fees.
Our Office Is Opposite U. S. Patent Office,
and we can secure patent in less time than those
remote from Washington.
Bend model, drawing or photo., with descrip
tion. We advise, if patentable or not, free of
charge. Our fee not due till patent is secured.
A Pamnhlet. "How to Obtain Patents." with
names of actual clients in your State, county, or
town, sent tree, .address.
C.A.SNOW&CO.
Opposite Patent Office, Washington, 0. C.
S. T. JEFFREYS.
Attorney at Law,
Deputy District Attorney,
Corvallis, - Oregon.
PHILIP WEBER,
-DEAIEK IN-
Carpets.'WaU Paper, Furni
ture and Bedding,
CORVALLiS, - OREGON
UNION PACIFIC RY.
"Columbia River Route."
Train for be East leave Portland at 9:03
m. dnily.
rilTlTT'TT'rpQ to and from priuci
JL JAJLYEJ JL O pal points iu
United States, Canada, and tuirope.
ELEGANT NEW DINING CARS
PULLMAN P ALACK HLKEPKRS.
Free colonist sleeping cars run throngli on
Express trains from l'orllanil to
OMAHA,
COUNCIL. L,UiS,
and KANSAS CITY.
Tree of Charge and without Change.
CloBe connections at Portland for San
Francisco and Puget Sound points.
For further particulars inquire of any
Agent of the Company or
m xt t 1.' r.' f "r 3 n ,
O. XjI-JU, T. XT. HUU l il. .
6. Miller, Portland, Oregon.
Traffic Manager,
""''ttiutssj
S BEEN TRIED !
tBBES
IN THE
G. R. FARRA, M. D.,
PHYSICIAN and SURGEON
Special attention given to Obstetrics
and diseases of Women and Children.
Office tip stairs in Crawford & Farm's
brick. Office hours, 8 to 9 a. m., hpJ
1 to 2 and 7 p. m. 1:13-' 1.
IBenton County
PLANING MILLS,
AND-
W. P. MARTYN, Proprietor.
Doors and Sash kept in stock or made to
order. Mouldings of all kinds in pine or
cedar. All orders will receive prompt at
tention. I guarantee all my work to b
tirst-class. West of fcj. P. depot, Corvallis.
Oregon. 8 8-tf.
J. 31. APPLEWHITE,!!. D.,
residence North 9th Street.
II. S. PEKNOT, 11 D., reniileiice 4th street, two
doors north of Opera Iloust
Applewhite & Pernot,
PHYSEGiaSIS AND SURGEOHS,
Corvallis, Oregon,
Offices over J. D. Clark's hard
ware store, and at 11. Graham's
drugstore. Hours: 8 to 12 a. m.,
1:30 to 5, and 7 to 8:30 p. m.
Benton County
Complete Set of Abstracts of Benton
County.
Cosreyaacisg I Perfecting Titles a Specialty.
Money to Loan on Improved
and Country Property.
City
J. LIIUBLET ftOOL, - Proprietors.
MAIN ST., CORVALLIS.
0rs?esi503
OF '61,
A Wonderful Boot
xuauG ro;7i th? re
cords of tha Wa
Ipartment.
COTEPTTJOT Vt
XT7T. BXCa.-G2H
T.r.aodenbonglu
Of &c 2,778,304
men enlisted ij
the tJnion Arm7
and Navy, 1861-5.
a little less thaa
COO 'were especi
ally recognized
fc-t the War Dept..
bh coming under
Cress, Jtily 1 2, 1C2, for dislinsniiched bravery, whicli
tave them tha Dinted States Medal of Honor.
Many of tho stories, told by tho heroes them
selves, of how tboy won the high distinction, ara
extremely interestiu. 'i'hat tho records of thes-a
deeds are almost uutnown to their countrymen,
hut lie buried in tho pigeon holes of the War Dept.,
and in the recesses of their own breasts, eeenu
BBtoniHhing. -
Ohis book must find a -wide Bale, for it is rnil of
Incidents that will interest every old soldier in th 3
land, and our boys will glory in it. It is a:t
8vo volume of over 600 pageo, with nearly 100 exec
lent illustration made specially for the work.
It reeks of its time and deserves a place in tho
library of all 'who would not altogether forget Co
glonous past.
'9-AGEIBTS .WANTED.
I want One Agent fin every township or conntjr
XST- Any perton. wiltl this book, can tmakttnmcg
Vapidly, forit will tell quick! JFor full description
Tins History Companv. The History Building
ViH ilaiket BUeu Baa JViuicusco, (,'! f .
Salem? Oregon.
&sfi m 0oor Factory.
1 1
INVESTMENT 1
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;oi u road way.
new x orK.
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vallis Gazette, the oldest pa
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From Terminal or Interior"
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EAILEOAD
Is the Line to Take"
T9 ALL P0IHI3 EAST d SOUTH
It is the Dining Car Route. It rim
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Day in tho Yeaf
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Pullman Sleeper reservations
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Full irilormatiort coticeffung:
rates, time of trains, routes and
other details furnished on appli
Cation to any ag'Cflt, of
V A.D. CHARLTON,
Assistant Senefai Passenger Agent,
"So 121, Ffrsfc St., Co Washington,
Portland, Oregon,
L. E. BEACH, Agt. N. P. R. It,
Corvallis; OrogOfl,
pBTHERN Pacific