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About The Albany register. (Albany, Or.) 1868-18?? | View Entire Issue (Dec. 11, 1874)
rrnuSHTO rvtRT fhioat ivy COLL. "WN OX-.RVE. ALBANY, OREGON. THE LITTLE FOLKS. Uaiy'i Fingers MR?. M. lAMON. Oa;7, Ttftiey. ran try toe so ! lAok' at yonr c-lotuen ami Bee their plight Wcer on wimiow and iiair tixxcl floor. Enough to drown Doly before your sight. Dear, naughty ftaers that mischief find, Reetieds irota morning till starry eve Dipping la tliif, turning o'er that, iouiug"s untouched, 1 do believe. Marks of fingers on paint and plas. Bad little finger-tip, what shad I do? Tie thi m together, ail pnug and tight, io that tDe mischief can't get through ? Pa:?y looked np through eyes of blue, Solemnly looked, and debated the thought ; While fingers dWaecteda baby doll. The .at new purchase mamma, had bought ; In torn bo geutiu, I eould but bleea, She answer caiu 4 Tut um oft", I dees." De&T little finders, we can't tut off," Dimpled white angers a- ever you we? Of patience we'd ask an abundant .store, caret ully taught, a bieasing they'll be. My- Foolish Fingers, BY UNCUS ALBERT. The fingers on one of my hands bad a quarrel the other day ; at least I dreamed they did, and that's just as well. It seems they thought I was asleep, and took the elianee to pitch into one an other. The first I noticed of it there was a gener oouEotion, and the middle and ring lingers were pushing each other itefuliv. Each of them -wanted all the room. j " Now you just stand aside," said i Mr. Middle ; " I'm the longest and lug- I est, and have the best right here. Yon aro alwuy3 sticking yourself up and j getting in the way. I'll have you un derstand that the"rniddle of the hand is all mine, and if yon know when it's j good for you, you'll keep away." At t iis Mrs. King was so indignant j she could not speak, and Mr. Fore j Finger, jumping up in a great flurry, shouted : " No, you don't either, you insolent fellow ! Mrs. King and 1 aun down j into the middle just as much as you do, ami, puttiDg us together, we occupy ; more of the middle than you do. If you don't behave yourself we will take you in hand together and give j Vou such a thrashing as you never had. ion are a preat overgrown lubber, : good for nothing but to get in the way j of better people." j At this Mr. Fere stretched himself: up r.s 'nigh as be could beside his ; neigblior," while Mr. Middle looked down on iiim with great contempt, and Said sn rringly : " Or,t upon yon ! You are so much of a ntVjody that I never think of you except when I want to touch Thumb for some great business, and then there vou are, blundering around in the way." "Humph!" retorted Mr. Fore, pretty talk, indeed. Mrs. King and I have beer, in love these years, and we oan't enjoy each other's company for vou and your impudence." Here these two drew back as if pre paring for a right. In doing so Mr. Middle crowded Mrs. King so that she cried out : "You are pretty fellows, to be sure. I abhor you both. I wouldn't conde scend to associate with either of you. Haven't I always wore the wedding ring because I am directly connected -with the heart ? I heard my owner read ing about it to-day, and now do you sup pose I'll have anything to do with either of yort low-bred "fellows ? I just wish vou would fight so as to pull each other out by the roots, and then I'd be clear of yon and Lave it all to myself, the . only proper way for a lady of my blood and" next to the' heart !" linger ! this way and that, twisted and twirled, ! bumped and jumped, and got so much I mixed up with it that they hardly knew ' themselves. "Now," said Middle to F re, "you must turn yourself around sad we can do it." "But I cant turn, sa:a lore, " you must do that." " I can't, sure." "Then we will have to g:vc it up, if Thumb does laugh at ue." " Four sound fingers, suut ah together vou can t pick up a pin," 1 exclaimed. . Xow try it one at a time with Thumb. With Thumb's aid any linger could pick it up. , ,, . "Now" said I, "stand up all in a row,' for I must give you a lecture." Up they stood, looking very sueepish, and I said : "You are neither of you worth a straw alone. In almost everything two of you must work together, and iu some cases it takes all to do what is necessa ry. Your usefulness and happifcess de pend upon helping one another; How silly and mean it is for you to quarrel. It is cutting your own head oft. And there are some boys and girls just like you, always annoying and lating the very persons who help them, and without whose help they could do noth ing. Sometimes they think themselves independent of others, when really they cannot do some simple thing without them any more than one of you eould pick up a pin alone." Chicago Stand ard . there would be a good many tracks of bare feet found some of these bright mornings ; and what piles of tools and books would be found at their owners' doors ! Phrenological Journal. An Iron-Clad Hat's Xtsl. The pretty schoolmistress stopped by the stump and read a very wonder ful thing, one fine day in July, to the children who were going with her to look for cresses at the brook so won derful that I am going to ask the edi tors to get the same magazine and copy the story out for you. The story was told by Prof. Silliman, and it came to him in a private letter from a friend. This friend was part owner of some property on the Oregon coast contain ing a saw-mill which had never been set fairly at work. Close by was a dwelling-house for the hands, and when they cleared out for lack of work, a quantity of things were stored there tocls, packing for the engine, six or seven kegs of large spikes, besides knives, forks, spoons, etc., in the clos ets, and a great stove in one of the rooms. (Now, the editors will please add the rest f the story ; and you, my dears, will please bear in mind that the writer is talking about the California wood -rat) : " This house," he says, " was left uninhabited for two years, and being at some distance from the settlement, it was frequently broken into by tramps who sought a shelter for the night. When I entered the house I was aston ished to see an immense rat's nest on the emptv stove. On examining this nest, which was about five feet Obituary. Last week we wrote an item about two pears and noted their weight as If pounds. It got into the paper 13$ pounds. His name was Hunter who set the item, and he would have been an ornament to the profession in due time. He possess sed all the noble qualities of mind and heart that tend to make the compositor of the day beloved and esteemed by good penmen. He could, when at his best, take the pathos out of an obit uary, the point off of a joke, the senti ment out of a matrimonial puff, or the piety out of a Sunday school conven tion report, with the ease and grace that would have set old Job on the rag ged edge. He was, too, a promoter of the cause of religion. In that line he had no equal. No man could be around him fifteen minutes without real izing the necessity of some plan of salvation, some refuge far away from this sinful world, where all was purity and the inhabitants washed their feet. And he was no monopolist either. He set his face squarely against anything having the appearance of monopoly. The sacrifice of comfort that he under went to keep the other hands from mo nopolizing their lunch stamped him an a resistor of the iron heel of oppression worthy of imitation. But his greatest attribute was pa tience. We cannot do him justice in that respact. When we contemplate that virtue we almost regret that we killed him. He would listen to the in vectives of the chief, the profane re monstrances of the reporters, the indig nant protests of outraged contributors, the maledictions of proof-readers, and the bloodthirsty threats of poets un moved, beg their last chew of tobacco, and cemmtnt on the quality thereof. In his last moments, after he had been hit with a mallet, a newspaper form pitched into his abdomen, and run twice through the cylinder press, his only complaint was that we might have waited until after dinner. His situation is vacant. Although we despair of every completely filling his place, ambitious young men should not feel discouraged. We can't all be per fect. Apply at this office, inclosing paid up accident policy. Our feet are nearly kicked off now. Canton III.) Register. Patent Artificial Cheese. The TJtica Herald remarks as follows upon the manufacture of a new kind of cheese, for which a p-itent was recently granted : The insertion of the prepared solid fat of the body to take the place of the fat taken from the milk, is not alone employed to make an imitation of but height, and occupied the whole top of ter- . is reported that, as fat and but- the stove (a -large range), I found the outside to be composed entirely of i spikes, all laid with symmetry so as to i present the points of the nails outward, j In the center of this mass was the nest, i composed of finely divided fibers of the hemp packing. Interlaced with the j spikes, we found the following : About j three dozen knives, forks and spoons ; : all the butcher-knives, three in num j ber ; a large carving-knife, fork, and ! steel ; several large plugs of tobacco ; ! the outside casing of a silver watch, dis i posed of in one part of the pile, the i glass of the same watch in another, and the works in still another ; an old purse I containing some silver, matches, and I tobacco ; nearly all the small tools from i the tool-closets, among them several j large augers. Altogether, it was a very ! curious mixture of different articles, all j of which must have been transported j some distance, as they were originally stored in different parts of the house. " The ingenuity and skill displayed 1 in the construction of this nest, and the i curious taste for articles of iron, many of them heavy, for component parts, The articles stolen from the men who naa stolen into tne nouse lor temporary lodging. I have preserved a sketch of this iron-clad nest, which I think unique in natural history." From " Jackin-thc-Pulpit," St. Nich olas for November. At this speech Miss Little quivered all over as she fairly screamed : j BtrUck me with surprise. " I guess there's somebody in the 0f vaiue were, I think, st world beside you, lurs. rung. iou are the meanest, most conceited thing I ever saw. There is no getting along with you, you put on so many silly airs just because some dunce used to think you were closer connected to the heart ihan the rest of us. I'll have you under stand I've just as much to do with the heart as you. And more than that, i m nicer and prettier than you. You are too big for a lady. I'm just as graceful and nice as can be. Everybody admires me. They stick the wedding ring on you just because yon are so homely as to need something to make you passable. I'm handsome enough without it." By this time each of the four fingers was mad at all the other three, and stood off as much as it could, looking funny enough. I don't know that they ever would have come together again in the world if it had not been for Mr. Thumb. He stood up very still and dignified, and said in a deep bass voice, very slowly, and with a good deal of a .sneer : " Well, well, you are four of the shal lowest fools I ever saw. Got up a reg ular fa.nily fight aDout notmng. x ve half a mind to give you all a good drub bing. I'd like to know what any one of you would do alone. You'd cut a pretty figure wouldn't you, flopping around in the air with no one to lean on?" "Shut up !" they all cried together, seeming to forget their differences in common opposition to Uncle Thumb. 4 ' Shut up. You've no business med dling in our affairs. You don't belong to our family. Yon are not a finger at all, but a thumb. Nature set you away off by yourself because you are not fit to be in good company, you short, clnm sv old stump, you j ' "All right," said Uncle Thumb, cool ly " I'm glad I don't belong to your family if you keep up this kind of a - rumpus all the time. I'm an old bach elor and can get along alone shove my thronch the world. But I guess you'd all wish me back if I were tone - von seem to make a good deal of Innocent Old Gentlemen. When papa asks some of his dear old cronies to dinner, and they come in high neck-cloths and out-of-date black coats, and you girls fancy it does not much matter what you put on the limp mus lin that hangs awry, or the good gown that never did fit well, but which it would be a shame to put away don't for a moment imagine that they do not see it. If you have an ugly and easy way of doing up your hair, keep it for another occasion. It will pass better with young Foodie, who may take it for the new style, than with these old gentlemen. He will bear with it, perhaps even ap prove of it, if he has only never seen it before ; but they will wonder what in the world the child has done to herself. No more observant spectator in the i world than your silent, unimpressible- lookmg innocent old gentleman. Mr. Smith," by L. B. Waif or d. A Word to Boys. Boys, did you ever think that this world, with all its wealth and woe, with all its mines and mountains, oceans, seas and rivers, with all its shippings, its steamboats, railroads, and magnetic telegraphs, and all its millions of group ing men, and all the science and progress of ages will soon be given over to boys of the present age boys like you? Be lieve it, and look abroad upon your in heritance, and get ready to enter upon its possession. The Presidents, Kings, Governors, statesmen, philosophers, ministers, teachers, men of the future all, are boys now. termilk are employed to make artificial butter, so fat and skim milk are used to make artificial cheese. The aims in volved are similar in either case, al though the methods of manipulation are, ot course, varied. It is reported that a factory is in operation in Brook lyn, where the olein and margarin ex pressed from the intestine fat of cattlf is intimately mixed with skim milk, ant the rennet then poured in, producing a curd rich in oil, which can be cured, and sold for cheese. Here wehave a proc ess for putting back into skim milk an animal oil in the place of the cream which has been removed. We have heard that something of this kind has been practiced nearer to Utica than Brooklyn. It is an ingenious device for adulteration, and nothing more nor less. No matter if the oil derived from the tallow be chemically pure, still the ' mincliner of it with milk to take the place ot cream is adulteration, and though it may not be a change of com position which produces an unhealthf ul material, it is a change which occasions a loss of value. Thus the schemes for artificial butter and cheese are fraudu lent at the outset, and even when we suppose that none but the purest oils and fats are used. If these compounds come into any wide consumption there will be materials used variously dis guised which are wholly unfit for entrance into the system. Then will the evils of an enterprise which now seems only mildly objectionable be rec ognized and deprecated. Foolish Habits. Dr. Hall enumerates several practices of the careless public, which are some time as dangerous as they are foolish : Walking along the streets with the point of an umbrella sticking out be yond, under the arm or over the shoulder. By snddenly stopping to speak to a friend, or other cause, a per son walking in the rear had his brain penetrated through the eye, and died in a few days. To carry a long pencil in vest or out side coat pocket. Not long since a clerk in New York fell, and his long cedar pencil so pierced an important artery that it had to be cut downtfrom gone ; you seem Now V seemed to me that the best way to stop this quarrel for good was to let each one of the very independent folks try to do some common thing alone. So I told my thumb topick up a pin. The fingers all agreed they wouldn't help him, but would see how he made out alone. Thumb made a dive at the pin in his clumsy style, but .in stead of picking it up he knocked xt out of the window. He hung down his head, and all the fingers pointed them selves at him scornfully. -Now," said L "Mr. Thumb has failed ; suppose Mr. Middle tries it. He did, but could only roll the pin around. So they all tried, but none could pick it up. " You are a pretty set of independ ent people," said I, and not one of you can pick up a pin alone ! Now, Thumb, vou stand aside, and let them try it al together." So they tried, and such a i.li nt nnnrw thev con Id do it easy enough altogether ; but they scrambled Keep our Promise. A boy borrowed a tool from a car- g niter, promising to return it at night, efore evening he was sent away on an errand, and did not return until late. Before he went he was told that his brother should see the article returned. ' After he had come home and gone to bed, he inquired, and found that the tool had not been sent to its owner. He was much distressed to think his promise had not been kept, but was persuaded to go to sleep, and rise early and carry it home the next morning. By daylight he was up, and nowhere was the tool to be found. After a long and fruitless search, he set off for his neighbor's in great distress, to acknowl edge his fault. But how great was his surprise to find the tool on his neigh bor's door-stood ! And then it appeared from the print of his little bare feet in th mud. that the lad had trot up in his sleep and carried the tool home, and o-one to bed apain, without knowing it. Of course a boy who was prompt in bin sleep was prompt when awake. He lived respected, had the confidence of his neighbors, and was placed in many offices of trust and profit. If all grown folk felt as this boy did, the top of the shoulder to prevent his bleeding to death. To take exercise, or walk for the health, when every step is a drag, and instinct urges repose. To guzzle down a glass of cold water, on getting up in the morning, without any feeling of thirst, nnder the impres sion of the health-giving nature of its washing-out qualities. To sit down at the table and " force " yourself to eat, when there is not only no appetite, but a decided aversion to food. To take a glass of soda, or toddy, or sangaree, or mint drops on a summer day, under the belief that it is safer and better than a glass ot water. To persuade yourself that you are destroying one unpleasant odor by in troducing a stronger one ; that is, to sweeten your unwashed garments and person by enveloping yourself in the fumes of musk, eau de cologne, or rose water ; the best perfume being a clean skin and well-washed clothing. Sad Fun. A big dog went into a clothing store with his master yesterday, and while skulking around under the counters he came upon the full-length mirror before which customers stand to see the fit of a coat. The dog observed another dog in the glass and be uttered a warning growl and showed his teeth. Two or three clerks saw a chance for fun, and they slid around and in whispering words encouraged the dog to sail in and clean out the intruder. He hesitated a little, and one of the clerks poked him up by throwing a box of paper collars. That was enough. The dog thought the dog in the glass had made a pass at him, and he opened his month, made a dive and the glass was cracked in twenty directions. There was a good deal of laughing among three or four clerks until they figured up and found that each one's share would come to about two weeks' work. Detroit Free Press. The Turkey Did It. To say that a gentleman looks like a stuck pig, or a dying duck in a thunder storm, or a cat in a strange garret, Is not, perhaps, a very elegant way of ex pressing yourself ; but when a young gentleman is deficient in the organs of self-esteem, hope, and language, and finds himself overwhelmed with emo tion, these homely phrases convey a bet ter idea of his general appearance and bearing than lies in the. power of more stately periods. Mr. Carroll Boosterlonger did not Iook precisely like a stuck pig, for he was a good-looking fellow, nor like a dying duck, nor like a cat in a strange garret ; but if you will mix them all to gether, and add a mild flavor of insani ty, with just the faintest suggestion of the deaf and dumb '.asylum, you will have a tolerably fair idea of his expres sion, his mise-en-scene (if the phrase is not preposterous, as we fear it is,) whenever he found himself in the presence of a certain supernatural be ing, who, for some good and wise pur pose, no doubt, was living on this earth with her uncle in New Jersy. It does n-t matter much what the color of a woman's eyes may be, nor what -the color of her hair, the shape of her nose, nor the size of her month, provided she has white teeth and a clear complexion the angels have not all straight noses, and Cupid will kill a man with a couple of green eyes just as easily as with a pair as black as bullets and as big as plums. Why, ive ourself, the historian, have walked off a Fulton Ferry boat with a broken heart at the transient glimpse of an edition of Paradise Mislaid, in blue and gold, and, returning on the same boat, stepped off the other end in a state of despair over hair and eyes as black as midnight thunder-clouds. So it does not matter much about complex'on. But merely as a fact we may state that the being of whom we are speaking had well developed, brown eyes, tawny hair, with a slight metallic lustre, a mouth that looked like a rasp berry stain, a nose that the Irish poet describes as sublime, and a lot of white teeth. Mr. Carroll Boosterlonger was in the habit of revolving round this heavenly body in silent, tedious adoration. His brain was seething with sublime thoughts, his heart bursting with emo tions ; but his tongue would utter no sound, save to express the most trivial and commonplace ideas. He was suffering from a kind of spir itual nightmare, and would have blesped, thrice blessed, any person who would have aroused him. It was the night before Thanksgiv ing, and Mr. Boosterlonger was hover ing round the celestial was calling on Miss Jones, as usual. The family were seated round the room variously occu pied, when Johnny Jones, a boy of con siderable vivacity, entered the room, and walked at once up to his grand father, who, though he was reading the newspaper, was asked whether he would like to see a turkey. The old gentleman had seen a good many turkeys in his time, and did not feel any pressing necessity at the isoment to witness the exhibition John ny suggested, andfo he said. But then Johnnv wanted to know whether he would like to see a great big turkey tha weighed over hfty pounds. The old gentleman would not commit himself old gentlemen don t like, and very properly, too, to commit them selves by assenting to propositions. Then Johnny asked his sisters, who gave evasive answers, and then he asked his aunt, the celestial one, and she pooh-poohed the idea, to which Johnny retorted that she no doubt preferred a hundred-pound goose, and then burst into a rude laugh. Mr. Boosterlonger felt that here was a sarcasm leveled at him, and he burst into a cold sweat. Now, although no one, save his grandmother, had betrayed an interest in Johnny's turkey, Johnny said he would go out and get it. He was gone a long time, and every one had forgotten all about his proposi tion save Mr. Boosterlonger, who sat si lent, cataleptic, and perspiring, brood ing over the carcass of the goose, when the door was flung suddenly wide open, and a curious Bhuffling was heard on the floor, accompanied by the peculiar gob ble. aobble of a turkey. Every one jumped up and stood amazed at the spectacle of a most ex traordinary bird slowly strutting into the room. It looked more Uke a turkey, perhaps, than any other domestic fowl, but less like a turkey than any turkey ever looked before. It was a long-backed, trailing, wretched, unnatural creature, with a most unhealthy chuckle a very night mare of a bird such a creature as mitrht appear to the jruilty conscience of some wretch who had stolen his Thanksgiving dinner ! But. oh ! what a blessing was that horrid bird to poor Boosterlonger ! for when the celestial Miss Jones saw the inscrutable thing, she gave one shrill cry and fainted ; then Boosterlonger caught her in his arms, bore her to the sofa, sprinkled her with water, and 10 ! the waters of his eloquence were loosed. He called her by endearing names, en treated her not to die, and poured out the pent-up torrent of his love. She slowly revived, heard the "ardent, eloquent words lavished on her Without stint. She pressed his hand, rested her head on his shoulder, and sobbed : " Oh, dearest Carroll ! " It was all right now! The turkey had done it ! No cards. P. S. Yes, but how about that strange bird, the abominable turky ? Well, yes, we had well-nigh forgotten that. The turkey was composed of a nucleus of Johnny, covered with a gray shawl, on which were fastened, in their appropriate places, the head, claws and wisgs of the real, bona fide turkey, which cook, in the kitchen, was pre paring for the Jones' Thanksgiving din ner, P. P. S. Carroll Boosterlonger and the heavenly body partook heartily of the turkey. N. B. Johnny had the merry thought, or wishiDg-bone, or whatever you call it. How Timber May be Multiplied. One of our exchanges has the follow ing to say in reference to this important subject : Much has been written about raising timber, but all the light that can be shed upon the subject by all the arbori culturists in the land will not be amiss. There is no want in the not distant fu ture which has so forbidding a look as the increasing scarcity of timber. Our forests are not producing one-twentieth of the supply we are annually consum ing or are destroying. More attention should be given to its propagation and preservation. It was said by some philosopher that he who makes two blades of grass- grow where but one grew before is a benefactor to his race. If this be true, and none will dispute it, how much more credit is due him who makes a landmark by the cultiva tion of trees ? Reference to this sub ject brings back to our recollection a suggestion we saw some time ago in regard to a simple mode by which tim ber may be increased on those tracts of land upon which it is being cut away. It is as follows : Plant the ground in the fall with acorns, black and white walnuts, butternuts, the seeds of the ash, etc. The nuts should be covered lightly with the soil and decaying leaves, so that boys and squirrels can not find them. They will come up in the spring, and if cattle are kept out of the woods as they should be by all who would preserve the young trees they will make a rapid growth under the immediate superintendence of Dame Nature herself, who has been pretty successfully engaged in the business of tree culture, more or less, ever since the Silurian age. in the same way cuttings may be put out in the timber in the spring. The mulching of the ground by the falling of the autumn leaves is the best dressing that can be put around such young trees, which, in a year or so, will surprise you with their rapid growth. We would discour age no one who can do so from planting out groves on the prairies, which is one of the best works a farmer can do ; but these hints carried out will enable many to utilize places now going to waste, and get a good return for their efforts. Hydrate or Chloral. At the recftit meeting of the Chicago Academy of Sciences, Prof. Delafon- taine? read a paper upon the action and effect of hydrate of chloral, tie said it was discovered to produce sleep in 1869, and had been lately used as a medicine. It was first thought to act similarly to chloroform. It was de composed by alkali into a formation, and this process li9 thought took place in the blood. He did not think the ac tion was the same as that of chloro form. Experiments recently made in France had proven that in cases where chloral was used, the blood discs were not coagulated but shriveled. He and Dr. Simeon had poisoned a rabbit with 100 grains of chloral administered hy podermically in four doses. The effect was noted within one hour, when it commenced to lick the wall as though wanting to get water. Then it laid down, became sluggish, slept, and later died. The post mortem appearances were those of asphyxia ; the lungs were red, the heart empty, and the blood was clotted as in asphyxia. A cat was treated in the same way, and the blood drawn from the skin ; it did not coagu late, and the discs fell to the bottom. He thought that the mode of action of chloral was by means of poison 01 car bolic oxide, which is one of the most poisonous of substances. Carbonic oxide kills by incapacitating the blood corpuscles from being in the body car riers of oxygen. Shall John Chinaman Vote f The question now is, shall John Chinaman vote ? It has been discov ered in San Francisco that the revised statutes of the late Congress have au thorized the naturalization of the Chi nese and any other of the adult males of the yellow races. The old law of 1802 declares that " any alien being a iree white person," may be admitted to be come a citizen, etc. In 1870 the pro vision was extended to cover aliens 01 African nativity and persons of African descent." The revision uses the words of the law of 1802, omitting " being a free white person," and inserts the law of 1870 about Africans. It is claimed that the law, as now standing, breaks down all barriers of race or descent which California has hitherto success fully opposed. What a Dog Did. An English paper has the following A striking exemplification of the saga city of a shepherd's dog has just come under notice on the farm of Uigham, near Newburgh, in k if es hire. The dog belongs to Mr. John Ballmgall. The shepherd on the farm happened to lose a pound note, and after many hours' fruitless search for the banknote it was given up as lost. A collie pup, only four months old, made its appearance m the field where it was supposed the note had been lost, and with much impor tunity endeavored to make himself noticeable. 1 he shepherd could not be bothered with its caressmgs, so grieved was he at his loss. After being ordered off some half-dozen times, the dog even tually stood up on its hind-legs, opened its mouth, and there was the note, folded just as it was when it went-a-missing ! With much wagging of its tail, the animal laid the note at the shepherd's feet. The animal was once a despised one, but now it is a house hold pet. Great Expectations. A well-known and popular preacher nas put to press a book with a sensa tional title. He made a point with the publisher that his own parish should have the first chance in buying the book. He had over 2,000 hearers, he said, and each one would want a copy. An edition of 2,000 must be published before the book was thrown on the market. The publisher not only agreed to tms, out witnneid tne book from the stores, and sent on a special agent to supply the ravenous appetite of the congregation. The book arrived. Public notice was given from the pul pit. But there was no rush. The rooms rented and the salary and board of the agent cost something. At the expiration of two months business was closed up. The sale of books did not reach the number of fifty. The pub lisher said that the congregation ex pected that each one of them would re ceive a " presentation copy " from the pastor. Boston Advertiser. Breathing Through the Nose. The pernicious habit of breathing tnrougn tne mourn, wniie sleeping or waking, is very hurtful. There are many persons who sleep with the month open, and do not know it. They may go to sieep wren it closed, and wake with it closed ; but if the mouth is dry and parched on waking it is a sign that the month has been open c unng sleep. Snoring is a certain sign. This habit should be overcome. At all times, ex cept when eating, drinking or speaking, keep the mouth firmly closed and breathe through the nostrils, and retire with a firm determination to conquer. The nostrils are the proper breathing apparatus not the mouth. A man may inhale poisonous gases through the mouth without being aware of it, but not through the nose. Science 0 Health. 'Mr. Jonson's Tin Wedding. Jtfr. Jonson, of the Sixth Ward, had a tin wedding Thursday night. It was the first tin wedding he ever had, and ; twill probably be the last, as circum stances over which he had no control rendered the affair not altogether har monious. He did not issue any special invitations, but informed his friends that the wedding was to come off, and he hinted that he didn't care how many of them dropped in on him, so that they brought a little reminder. Soon after 7 o'clock his friends began to ar rive. One man marched in with a tin pail, a woman came with a rattle-box, and before 8 o'clock the large table set out for the display of presents con tained one horn, two pails, three rattie boxes, four or five pint cups, several tin whistles and about twenty tin pepper-boxes. The presents stopped coming at 8, but the crowd didn't. They filed in until the Jonson mansion couldn't hold any more, and then they sat in the windows, on the front steps and hung to the gate. All went merry as a marriage bell until Mrs. Jonson got ready to pass around the provisions, when a Mrs. Simpson threw one of the pepp6r-boxes and hit Mr. John Graner in the stomach. Mr. Graner retaliated by throwing a hunk of cake at the first bald-head he saw, and' then everybody began to shout and throw things. Mr. Jonson got upon a chair and said : " Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me pleasure to ," when a fried cake collided with his nose and he sat down. The tin pails and cups described grace ful curves as they flew through the air, and hunks of pumpkin pie flashed like meteors for a moment and then went "pat" against some one's head. In their enthusiasm men got each other down and clawed and kicked, and women, with their eyes full of crumbs, reached out and gathered in handsful of hair. Mr. Jonson tried to raise the gentle voice ot remonstrance, and some one stopped it with a flower vase, and then nearly tore his ear off. The sofa was overturned, the chairs piled, the lamps smashed, and then the warm hearted friends of Mr. and Mrs. Jonson filed out and called back that they hoped the couple would live to hold a hundred tin weddings before they died. De troit Free Press. A Gentlemanly Baker's Dozen. 1. The gentleman who sponges on his friends until he gets money or em ployment, and then looks for fresh and more fashionable acquaintances. 2. The same gentleman when he is connected with journalism, and thinks it his duty to abuse those who fed him. .5. The gentleman who sneers at every thing he doesn't understand, and who has lots of work cut out for him. 4. The gentleman who is not ashamed or afraid to wear one shirt for a month. but who considers himself insulted and his honor at stake when dirty linen is mentioned. 5. The gentleman who isn't above begging dollars when he can get them, and doesn t despise sixpences ; but who feels outraged whenever profes sional borrowing is talked about in his presence. b. The gentleman whose wife goes shabby, and whose children look upon bread and butter as a luxury and new boots with wonder ; but who is regarded at- tavern bars and clubs as one of the best fellows in the world. 7. The gentleman who despises peo ple who were " brought up " at hard work : and forgets or tries to forget the time when he was " brought up " by a policeman. And what was worse, taken away again. o. The gentleman who objects to tne society of tradesmen when he can t borrow any more money of them. 9. The gentleman who knows every thing and has been everywhere, but who has never been away from South street and the purlieus thereof. 10. The gentleman who writes smart things, and says that editors are afraid to put them in their papers. 11. The gentleman who repeats other people's jokes as his own, and speaks of the original jokers as duoers. 12. The gentleman who has always an onensive story to ten aoout some one, generally about a woman who has no able-bodied husband or orotner to defend her. 13. The gentleman who will recog nize everybody but himself m this list. JEW AND JOBS. It really doa't seem long a(?o. Since you were Jen and I was Joe, But forty years have passed and gone, Since we commenced to trudge along- Yes. forty years of wedded life, Since you became my happy wife ; But now they call me Uncle Joe, And you have changed to Aunt Jennettep. But still I never will forget When you were belle and I was bean. Ab, yes, it's very long ago, Since our young love commenced to grow And o'er our heads the years have rolled a nd people call us rather old ; I'm sure it don't seem bo to me. You're sixty-one, I'm sixty-three It really dont seem if 'twas so. But when the children pass us by They always say 'bout you and I, There's Aunt Jennette and Uncle Joe! Ah, well, God will soon call us home, And then in heaven we shall roam. And wife, perhaps it will be so, You'll look like Jen, I'll look like Joe. Then we'll commence our love once more, As happy as in days of yore, For those were happy days yon know And sweet and joyful it will be. To Jive throughout eternity, As bonnie Jen and loving Joe. As txtraord inarv bov-bahv hnn bon on exhibition in Glasgow, Ky. Though only three yars of age he weighs 126 pounds, tie was six months old before he began to develop into his present enormous proportions. tie measures 37 inches around the chest, 40 inches around the waist, about 56 inches around the hips, 26 inches around the thigh, and is 40 inches in height. His father and mother, named Chambers, are apont the medium size. A Place for Old Hats. We find the following story in the London A cademy : The group of Islands known as the Nicobars, situated about 150 miles south of the Andamans, has been but little ex plored, though the manners and cus toms of the inhabitants of these islands offer interesting peculiarities. One of the most noticeable, and one which se riously affects the trade of the islands, is the passion for old hats, which per vades the whole framework of society. No one is exempt, and young and old endeavor to outvie each other in the singularity of shape no less than in the number of old hats they can acquire during a lifetime. On a fine morning at the Nicobars it is no unusual thing to see the surface of the ocean in the vicin ity of the island dotted with canoes, in each of which the noble savage, with nothing whatever on but the conven tional slip of cloth and a tall, white hat with black band, may be watched stand ing up and catching fish for his daily meal. Second-handed hats are more in request, new hats being looked upon with suspicion and disfavor. The pas sion is so well known that traders from Calcutta make annual excursions to the Nicobars with cargoes of old hats, which they barter for cocoanute, the only product of the island, a good, tall white hat with a black band, fetching him forty-five to sixty-five good cocoa nuts. Intense excitement pervades the island while the trade is going on. When the hats or the cocoanute have com to an end, the trader generally lands a cask or two of rum, and the whole population in their hats get drunk without intermission until the rum also comes to an end. It is curious that in those far-away regions so profit able a market should be found for cast off specimens of one of the most dis- agreeable symbols 01 civilization. The same yearnings alter oetter tnings in a more aavancea stage may ue 00- served in Madagascar, where no official is content if he cannot deck himself out in the plumage of some long defunct Admiral, General or Ambassador. The Cab-Dbivkb's Revenge. His tiniritier in the Paris list of drivers was 13.022. He had seen better days, but now he drove a cab. He was sent, with others, to carry a wedding party irom the church to a wedding oreaKiasi. in hit cab were placed the bridegroom and the bride. He recognized in the bride groom a man who had once put him m prison lor ueoi. ouce lairiy 011 me way, he whipped up and drove away from the other cabs and landed the bride and bridegroom, badly damaged, after an hour's hard drive, in a deso late rural district on the wrong road. They got home at midnight. It was an epic vengeance. Pith and Point. An unsatisfactory meal A domestio broil. The man who works a will The Pro bate Judge. " Yeb Biverenee is like a mile-post," said an old, grumbling Wicklow peas ant, " for ye always points to a roads ye niver goes." A stbong-abjted American tooth-extractor has just opened his tool-chest in Rome. Persons who have seen him go through the motions think that he is destined to make " Rome howl." Mr. Bebgh's attention is called to the fact that a number of women place their furs away in snuff during the summer. Hundreds of moths have sneezed their heads off in consequence. There is one thing no true Southern young lady will do and that is, marry a young Northerner, no matter how handsome, respectable, or desirable before he asks her. Richmond (Va.) Enquirer. French politeness at the benefit of Mdlle. Dejazet. " What age is she ? " said a republican, " she looks still so young." "Citizen," responded the person addressed, "In a "little while she will be twenty for the fourth time." A newly-mabried couple in Connecti cut recently started out on the wedding tour accompanied by a small-sized 2- year-old infant, which they had hired tor the purpose of deluding the publio into the belief that they were old stagers. The French keep up their little jokes : ' An Alsatian woman goes to confess : Father, I have committed a great sin. Well ! ' 'I dare not say it ; it is too grevious. Come, come, courage. ' 1 have married a Prussian.' Keep him. my daughter. That's your penance.' " The Rochester Union says " Giltv." "guiltey," "giltey" and "jilty" were written on a majority of the ballots used in the jury-room in a recent crim inal case tried by the Monroe County sessions, xt is sad that a man should be convicted in a court of justice on such orthography. A St. Louis woman, separated from her husband, recently cent him a lonar list of propositions, upon his accept ance of which she would live with him again. Woman-like she indicated the only real cause of difference in a post script, as follows : " Your mother must leave the house at once and for ever." The Lewiston (Me.) Journal says : "An elderly gentleman recently en tered a boot and shoe store in Lewis tin, and purchased a pair of number twelve boots. He remarked that he had had his old ones eighteen years. On being asked how he had managed to make a pair of calf boots wear so long, he replied that he had always aept a nor se. A man was describing to Douglas Jerrold the story of his courtship and marriage how his wife had been brought up in a convent, and was on the point of taking the veil, when his pres ence burst on her enraptured sight, and she accepted birn as her husband. Jerrold listened to the end of the story, and then remarked: "She simply thought you better than nun." Black-and tans have gone out of fashion, bless 'em ! Tiny bull dogs, just as small as nature will allow, now accompany French ladies on the prom enade, and sit on the carriage seat. The uglier the better, as the morose expression of their pup features is a great requisite in their selection. Even the parasols, buttons on one's gar ments, and trinkets by the score, are adorned with the bull-dog's head ; and, a sure sign of a lady's visit to Paris this summer, is the canine phiz that makes the knob of her umbrella. Strange Mental Phenomena. The following story, told by a Cali fornia paper of Mr. O. H. Burnham, of Oakland, illustrates one 01 those strange mental phenomena which have so long puzzled tne scholars of the world : One morning, a few weeks ago, Mr. Burnham visited San Fran cisco, crossing over in the 9 a. m. train, and returning at noon For the rest of the day he was actively engaged in business, and at 6 p. m. , during the prevalence of a thunder, lightning and rain storm, he drove to the depot to meet some ladies. Ab they did not arrive he returned to the station at half-past 6, at which time his horse took fright, and he was dashed against a tree and rendered senseless. Now comes the singular part of the story. On returning to consciousness it was found that not only was he unaware of the accident, but that he had no recol lection of anything which had occurred after 9 o'clock a. m. He remembered starting for San Francisco and being on board the boat nothing more. He knew nothing of returning ; nothing of transacting business in Oakland during the afternoon ; nothing of going to meet the ladies ; and had no knowledge whatever of the occurrence of the tre mendous thunder storm. Loss of con sciousness apparently had antedated the accident about nine hours. Need of Compulsory Education. The medical officer to the general post office at London mournfully concludes his report on the candidates for minor appointments in that department daring ww F jrcar wim a gasp OI longing for compulsory education. These can didates were obliged to make written statement as to the medical histories of themselves and their families, and these are some of their sad but interest ing expressions : "Father had a sun stroke, and I caught it of him ;" " My little brother died of some funnv name;" "A great white cat drawed my sister's breath aid she died of it " Apperplexity ;" " Parasles ;" " Bur ralger in the head ;" " Bummitanio pains ;" " Shortness of breath ;" " Id digestion of the lungs ;" " Toncertina in the throat;" "Pistoles u the back."