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About The Albany register. (Albany, Or.) 1868-18?? | View Entire Issue (March 21, 1874)
L P Fisher
ALBANY, OREGON, MARCH 21, 1874;
Old Bye's Speech.
I was made to be eaten
And not to be drank ;
To be tbreslied in a barn,
Not soaked in a tank.
1 come as a blessing,
AVjIien put through a mil j
As a blight and a curse
When run through a still.
Make me up into loaves.
And your children are fed;
But if Into a drink,
I will starve them instead.
In bread, I'm a servant,
The eater shall rule ;
In drink. I am master,
The drinker a fool.
Then reincmlier the warning:
My strength I'll employ,
If ea'teti, to Strengthen ;
If drank, to destroy.
A Peroinn Vision of the Hereafter.
1IY 1.;R. JLOOKli
Abou ben Adbero was annoyed
one mprumg by an eklorly gentle
mau, who desired to learn of the
ideas the Persian sage had of the
hereafter; particularly as to the
style and quality of people who
onld be likely to reach a future of
fjm . .
Abou removed his chibouk from
bis lips, and moistening bis throat
rajtq a long draught of sherbet,
spc.ke,to him thus :
'My friend, many hundreds of
years ago, when I was a compara
tively young man, I dreamed one
night that I had shuffled off ths
mortal coil, and was in tiie land of
the hereafter. Rethought I was
dectuit.ly deceased, had lieen gen
teelly bur ed, and a tomb-stonenad
been erected to my memory, on
which was inscribed enough v irtues
to furnish a dozen. I blushed a
spi$-blush when I read that tomb
stone and discovered what an exem
plary man I had been, and I like
wise wept a spirit-weep when I
thought what a loss the world had
sustained in my death.
I ascended and was knocking at
the outer gate of 'Paradise for ad
mittance. The season had been a
very healthy one, for. a National
Convention of l'bvsieiaws had been
T -- - j - - n - .0
drowned while taking a steamboat
excursion oi(,tlie Persian (,iulf, so
the dooi keepor had but little to do
while, my case was being decided.
I whiled away an hour or two as
certaining the whereabouts of my
.ild acquaintances, who had deceased
during the ten years previous,
''There are a large number of my
friendship here?" 1 remarked, in
'X ot very niauy," was his reply.
'Jibn Bear 'ien3 I,s"Pl5f'
"Not any Ebu Pecarj" was the
answer. , , -, ,. I, ;,,
, "1 am surprised,", I answered.
'.'Ebu iieear, the date-se'ler, not in
1 ar idlse ! m ehes,m, no nw in
'spahau was more regular . in his at
tendance at the mosque, ,aid lie
howled his prayers Jjke.a duvvish.
was exceedingly jealous in
keeping the faithful in the line of
" True!" said, the door-keeper,
"true. Hit, you see, Ebn kept his
eBgle-oye so intently fixed on his
HWW&p 'Rt wu fWfeSf
the road, and when he pulled npfc
wasn't at the place he 1ad calcu
lated. His prayers wen? pleasing
to- i' true believer.' I mt, as " they
Were1 bucket tiiiy doing things
Sri opotttorij1 they 1 toiled ' to I wise,
iMte'hMk ' . idoJjhJ
"Mowrtlred Jt"Witt) fanft.'tthe
scribe ? Hfrwas Wrialbliio.nn
aUe'TOto-thti'poor thaln faflbll
'"flan Mghrtf makiv Jihi to
feet of bis charities. He gftMUMt
for any love of his kind, but because
it was apart of his system to give.
He was afraid not to give. So be
said, 'I will answer the demands of
the law of the Prophet by, giving
so. much, which will insur 2 me par
adise,' and fancied that was charity.
When the. widow of .Ndim, the
mule-driver, employed nun to save
her inheritance to,her children, from
her wicked brother, he requited' of
her ad that the law permitted him
to exact, so that she said, 'Lo ! I
might as well' have let my brother
had the land.' He answered, 'The
law gives It me go to !' He would
oppress, the poor in a, business way,
and compromise with his conscience
by subscribing a tenth of his profits
to charity. Compromfring never
did Work in such' makers. The
compromiser gives to the devil
Something of value and receives in
return that wbicli damn' him. The
oppressions and grasping of Hafiz
were exactly balaiiced in number
by his charities, but as he died
worth a million, the oppression
side was the heaviest M quality.
Wo keep books very aco irate, you
"Abdallab, the maker f shawls,
"No he tsu't. .He; was an ardent
teacher of the rules tie Prophet
gave for the faithful, but he was
the worst pracUcer I ever had- any
knowledge of. The stun g waters
of the (iiaour ruined his iTospects.
He preached abstinence from wine,
but he constantly partook of the
forbidden drink. 'He' 'loved wine,
and immediately proceeded to de
ceive himself'iutolthe belief that lie
had dyspepsia and 'had to take it.
Hearing onoaHbat strong liquor
was an antidote for t0 bite of a
serpent, he absolutely moved into a
province where 'serpents abounded.
He talked loudly against gluttony,
but exensed 'himself for eating five
conrnes by bofdiiig that he needed
it to keep himself up. He succeed
ed iri deceiving himself, but he
couldn't deceive us." 1
"Kahkaiihthe poet, whosesongs
wen all in praise of virtue, is here?
The fervent goodness that produced
such morality must be safe?"
"finite wrong, my dear sir.
Kahkani's poems were1 beautiful,
but; bless you, he never felt tlie sen
timents expressed in them. Hehad
an itching for tame,1 Add -writing
spiritual hymns happened to be his
hold. If he could have written
comic songs,' better than hymns,
he would have written comkr songs.''
" VY ho have ydu here, pray f
"Saadi, the camel-shoer, is hore.,'
"Saadi ! Why, he was constantly
violating the law oif the1 Prophet."
Truo, he wonld even curse the
camels he was '. shoeing. Hut he
was always : sorry ;(br it, and he
WuW mourn dvfef'tlie i intirmities of
his temper, arid strove hondstly and
UBBltMttily all the time to dive lietter
and be better. Hedid fiot make a
great suaiess, but he did the best he
eon hi lie gave liberally of his
substance, , without hiatting it all
om Ispahan When ho, gave a
dirhem he didn't pay the uewspa
pei's two dirhems;to make the fact
public which is i my definition ot
genuuie oharitF i Then; there's
Kirdusi, the arpeteleaner "
; "He nev,er gfkxe. wything.'!
" (.'ertainly not, fqrvbj9 ; ,hM notli
ing to give.; ;The Propjjet inevejr
ark 'd. inpofisibUi;f;Hft'flroiild
ItW e given, if he had i, wd. he tried
law to get fa Then there's Jelalr
edrdiu " inn ruoiwih i
"He ooulduiBJBke prayer,!'
!M"-Tr,o, but he id, iuvin' .to
thoso who oeuldj and lie meant -it,
wmcn WBjWPreinap nwt wos
W4w njda$liijrers, ooW ,paj(.V :
Where is he t A .mm? puis j
blameless life w man ever led !"
low place." wliubn iiv&iw .mst
"A low place?"
"Verily. Wassaf did not sin, it
is true, but it was no credit to him
that he did not. A more egreg
iously deceived man never lived or
died. He obeyed the laws of the
Prophet because he could hot do
otherwise thus crediting himself
with what he could not avoid. He
could not be a glutton, lor his stom
ach was weak he could not pai
takeof stroug waters , of the
rrank, because his brain would not
endure it he was virtuous because
he was too coId-bhxdedTrtoo thin
blooded, to have any passion. He
had not moral force enough'to com
mit a decent sin, and this " inability
to be wicked he tanoied was right
eousness. He was a moral ovster
He, an iceberg, plumed' himself
upon being cold. Now Agba, the
flute-player, who was at times a
glutton ami a wine-bibber, And all
the rest ot it, is several benches
higher tln Wassaf. For Agha's
blood boiled like a cauldron he
was robust, he had the appetite of
the rhinoceros of the Niio, and a
physical nature that , was constantly
pushing him to the commission of
siu but Agha, feeling, knowing that
Itiliyi Tlelell 'frequently for the
Evil Oue knew his wealt, moments,
but he rose and fought against him
self, and managed to come out vic
tor, at least half the time. ' There
was no more merit 'in Wasfaf's vir
tue than there is in an iceherg being
cold. But for a burning volcano
Agha to keep himself down to an
even temperature, that was great.
"My friend,' it is not wprth whi'e
to enumerate, but well, 'you will
Know more when you get inside, it
you do get inside,. .You hiwHteti
the sky-rockets' ot .Tami. They 'as
cend with much lira and make a
beautiful show, but alas! before
they reach the skies they explode
and disappear in a sheet of flame.
rreciseiy so with many men. 1 ney
soar aloft oil their professions, but
they too (to use a' vulgarism) bust
before they attain Paradise, and go
down in a sheet ot flame.
"The true believer who practices
what he believes, is an arrow.
1'ointed with belief feathered with
works, death shoots him olf, he
pierces the clouds and lands on the
right skle ot the river.
"At this point," continued Abou,
"I awoke. My ideas of the future
I got largely from that vision . 31 y
opinion is that in New Jersey, as in
1 Wsia, there are a great many people
deceiving themselves. Go thy way.
Jie yirtuous.and be happy. I would
resume."- Locke's Monthly
A flig ttnme nt JfarMefl.
There was a match made in the
Twenty-second ': Ward I 'to shoot
1,000 marbles for $500. The.com.
petitois were the well-known
butclier John Mcivewen, aud
Fritz, the barber. ilcKewen
weighs 350. . He is about five feet
eleven, and before he grew so ,at
was one of the best-made men, ever
cjlnn Tin na Iwutn an nthlftfP , tlf
notoin his day. Frit a .famous I
fipLnn Urlvfr Jn Seventh .MHUIImJ
German barber in Seventh .avenue.
near Fiftieth street. They call him
Dutch Fritz. He weighs 180
pounds, is five feet ten, well made
aud tinedooking. 'i bey are both
brunettes, but .McKewen is rosy,
while .Fritz is pale and sallow. In
spite of his size, McKewen, is de
cfded.y the handsoiner man.
" The match Was made in Fritz's
Bllop "early On Monday morning,
while McKewen was being shaved.
TVtofti Kttlo ' boys were shooting
marbles iff the shop, Arid McKewen,
eytfngihe sfebrt' While enjoying his
fchaVe, said, ! WAS the best marble
nrwt you weren't any btftfir
fcW'c(tt!4 plmm odt!tl'w by
"Plj bet I could have beatyou,''
"I'll bet yon could not do it
now," retorted Frit!!.
"What'll you bet?" raid Mc
Kewen. "Two hundred and fifty dollars,"
"Done," said McKewen, and the
details of the match were quickly
arranged. It was agreed by their
friends that the two should shoot
at 1,000 marbles, aud the man who
plumped out 600 marbles first
should be declared the winner.
The news Hew around the neigh
borhood, and a crowd gathered so
rapidly that it was necessary to
shut the doors of the barber's shop
And admit only a limited number
of spectators. Mr Bogert. a
mutual friend, was referee, i A ring
was chalked on the floor, and the
rules of tho game were settle!.
They, tossed a penny to, decide
whether they should shoot twenty
five marbles at each inning or one
hundred. Fritz was in favor ot
one hundred marbles, but Mc
Kewen's friends would not agree
on account of his size So greAt is
his obesity he was obliged to shoot
iii a peculiar position. Every time
hefstooed to shoot it was necessary
for another man to be ready with a
chair, which he placed in front of
McKewen to support him, as he
knelt on one knpe and sent his alley
spiuuing over the, five yard at the
taws in the ring. The petfny came
down for twenty-five shots to the
inning, and' McKeweii's backers
liegan to book their bets. Another
toss decided that he should have
the first shot, and the Wtting on
him wa one hundred to eightv.
McKewen led off, shootiiig at his
25 -marbles, hitting 10 and mining'
15, which were scored to him.
Fritz .followed, hitting 8 and
missing 17. Hets on McKewen
rose, 125 to 75. The next round
McKewen was riot so skillful, per
haps too much elated, striking J8
marbles out of the ring. Fritz was !
more careful and plumbed out 24.
This sent the betting up two to one
in the Dutchman's favor. The
game continued with varied suc
cess, sometimes oue being the
liivrite aud sometimes the other,
until the expiration of half the
score, with Fritz ahead 10 mar
bles. Time,, 3 hours and 40
minutes, and both men exhausted.
They took an hour toi rest and re
freshments. When the men appeared in the
room for the second inning, much
to the surprise of all, McKewen
looked as fresh as a rose and calm
and cool as a May morning. Fritz
looked a little too excited tor tl-e
knowing ones. McKewen led on,
hitting 15, missing 10. The sturdy
German followed, remtcing his
score by hitting 7 and missing IS.
The scores varied, but the advnn
tage was clearly on the fat man's
side as the game progressed. The
butcher won by h greater powers
of endurance. I'Vit?) became so
thoroughly exhausted by the sev
that it was n wy to
g' llim Strong Stimulants. -Mc-
eweu took pure water, ijohi
mow suffered, i bat Were gnrone to
the last. When, nine hours had
elapsed .McKewen rtas 300 marbles
ahead , and in 27 minutes and
seconds more the jfeee decided
that the game was ended by the
fit 'man having scored 600. Fritz'
score stood making .McKewen.
the m'uv ier by 1 IH ntarbles i am id
the tatriirituBUs applause of all, even
fflSfS tfkw.yX V..
fmr'vMj .(- . i. ui-w
-nllf r., nu--' ' ' M -V
t little girlii aske f-etaiimlv
"l )o vw think my father will go
if he donrt have his own way there,!1
be won't sy l0ugi watnwKtq$'
A butcher recently found a
shawl-pin In a cow he was cutthig
up into steaks. It is supposed the
animal had swallowed a milkmaid.
Hreker.'Heware you off for
money this morning?" Cashier.
"l am off with what little there
was in the bauk. Good-by." .
A superannuated minister says,
"I have been guilty "' of ' doing one
thing for which tire church will not
forgive me: I have grown old."
An Iowa gentleman recently shot
a postmaster tor refusing to lick a
postage stamp for the amiable and
accomplished wife of the shooter.
Justice Haines, of Chicago, has
decided that editors are profession
imen, and that their scissors, paste
pot, etc., cannot be seized for debt.
Adam had one consolation when
he feh: ' FWeeti.br twenty ac
quaintances didn't stand on the
opposite comer and lAugh at his
The bee-keepers ha,ve failed to
determine how much honey a single
bee produces in a year. This im
portant subject should not be
"Yes, my hearers," said a
Wisconsin minister, "little Johrmy
Clem skated into heaven by way
of an airhole on Grass Lake, and
he is happy now.''
A long-mooted question has been
settled. A debating society nt
Sioux .City has decided that Adam
and Eve were not the ancestors of
the human race.
An old. lady at Jackson, Tenn.,
has asked the city authorities to
exempt he from, city taxes, , "she
seldom walks over their sidewalks
The color of flowers is, to a cer
tain extent, dependent on the soil
in which they are grown. Yellow,
primroses planted in a better soil
bear flowers of an intense purple.
Charcoal deepens the tints of
dahlis, hyacinths and petunias.
Carbonate of soda reddens hyacinths
af.d phosphate of soda changes ifi
j many ways the hues of certain
A tow n in Massachusetts is the
proud possessor of a eat that picks
up pins and puts them into a paper,
whenever she finds one. After
getting i hundred, she exchanges
them for meat at the butcher's.
The likelihood of this taje is its
chief beauty. One can't 'help lie
The publisher of the National
TAw Hloci Journal in Chicago
has been sued for libeling a cow.
That journal published an article
desureditintr the pedigree of the
oow Fannie Forrester, and charg
iug the owners of the animal with
discreditalje transactions, for all of
which $20,000, damages , are.
claimed. , .
The Worcester (Maw.) Spy
publishes the following epitaph
from a tombstone in neighboring
cemetery. The unquenchable
patriotism of New England m illus
trated by I the meter, the words
being written to the tune of
"Vaukee Doodle cV-
"Kate Ftac6ck hmy name.
Wolqptyjlle naj station.
, Li mrick was, my ulace of hiit h.
And1 heaven my 'destination."
, ' .- II'. Ill tew i
A Yale .professor baeaconundrum
forwrnebudy to solve. The other
day a student, iai, absent from
recitation' and by a sad mistake
HeittdeiJ fetWo'Dedses theretbr.
One said that serious illness de
tained hinitiji, hisrjp the other
asserted that he was a member of
a sailing ")arty wlricWv Hfi en
becalmed Iii tM bay 'tiiitll rteftatten'
wa'pwsRew.' ooxn tocw are aory
attested, hui the jttotessof fo never.