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About The Hillsboro argus. (Hillsboro, Or.) 1895-current | View Entire Issue (Aug. 7, 1902)
5 A STUDY IN SCARLET. BY A. CONAN DOYLE. CHAPTER II Continued. "From a drop of water," said the writer, "a logician could Infer the os siblllty of an Atlantic or a Niagara without having aeon or heard of one or the other. So all lift) la a great chain, the nature of which I known whenever we are Hhown a single link of It. Like all other arts, the science of deduction and analysts la one which caa only be acquired by long and pa tient study, nor la life long enough to allow any one mortul to attuln the highest possible perfection In It. He fore turning to those moral and mental aspect of the matter which present the greatest difllcultles. let the Inquirer begin by mastering more elementary nrobletns. Let him. on meeting a fel low mortal, learn at a glance to dis tinguish the history of the -mnn, and the trade or profession to which he be longs, renrlle as such an exercise may seem. It sharpens tho faculties of ob servation and teaches one where to look and what to look for. By a man's finger nails, by his coat sleeve, by his boot, by his trouser knees, by the cal losities of his forefinger and thumb, by his expression, by his shirt ruffs by each of these things a man's rail ing Is plainly revealed. That all unit ed should fall to enlighten the com petent Inquirer lu any case Is almost Inconceivable." "What Ineffable twaddle!" I rrled. slapping the magailne down on the table, "I never read such rubbish lu my life." "What Is It?" asked Sherlock Holmes. "Why. this article," I said, pointing at It with my egg spoon as I sat down to my breakfast. "I see that you have read It, since you have marked It. I don't deny that It Is smartly written. It Irritates me though. It Is evidently the theory of same arm-chair lounger who evolves all these neat little para doxes In the seclusion of his own study. It Is not practical. I should like to see him clapped down In a third-class carriage on the Under ground, and asked to give the trades of all of his fellow travelers. I would lay a thousand to one agnlnst him." "You would lose your money." Sher lock Holmes remarked calmly. "As for the article, I wrote It myself." "You!" "Yes: I have a turn both for obser ration and for deduction. The theories which I have expressed there, and which anoear to you to be so chlmorl cal, are really extremely practical so practical that I depend upon them for my bread and cheese." "Ami how?" I asked Involuntarily. "Well, I have a trade of my own. I auDPose I am the only one In the world. I'm a consulting detective, If you can understand what that Is. Here In London we have lots or government detectives, and lots of private ones, When these follows are at fault they come to me. and I manage to put them on the right scent. They luy all the evidence before me, and I am gou erally able, by the help of my knowl edge of the history of crime to set them straight. There Is a strong ram llv resemblance about misdeeds, and If you have all the details of a thousand at your finger ends. It Is odd If you can't unravel the thousand and first. Lestrado Is a well-known detective ' He got himself Into a fog roconlly over a forgery case, and that was what brought blm here." "And these other people?" "They are mostly sent out by private Inquiry agonclcs. They aro all peoplo who are In trouble nliout something and want a little enlightening. 1 listen to their story, they listen to my com ments. and then I pocket my fee "But do you mean to say," I said "that without leaving your room you can unravel some knot which other men can make nothing of, although they have seen every detail for them selves?" "Quite so. I have a kind of intuition that way. Now and again a case turn up which Is a little more complex Then I have to hustle about and see things with my own eyes. You see, have a lot of special knowledge whir I apply to the problems, and which fa cilitates matters wonderfully. Those rules of deduction laid down In that article which aroused your scorn are Invaluable to me In practical work Observation, with me, is second na ture. Yon appeared to be surprised when I told you, on our first meeting, that you had come from Afghanistan "You were told, no doubt." "Nothing of the sort. I knew you came from Afghanistan. From Ion habit the train of thought ran so swift ly through my mind that I arrived at the conclusion without being conscious of Intermediate steps. There were sue steps, however. The train of reason lng ran: 'Here is a gentleman of medical type, but with the air of a mil Itary man. Clearly an army doctor, then. He has Just come from th troDlcs. for his face Is dark, and that Is not the natural tint of his skin, for his wrists are fair. He has undergone hardship and sickness, as his haggard face says clearly. His left arm hn been Injured. He holds It in a stiff and unnatural manner. Where in th tropics could an English army doctor seen much hardship ana got his nrm wounded? Clearly in Afghanistan.' The whole train of thought did not occupy a second. I then remarked that you came from Afghanistan, and you were astonished." "It Is simple enough as you explnln It," I said, smiling. "You remind me of Edgar Allen Poe's Dupln. I had no Idea that such Individuals did exist outside of stories." Sherlock Holmes rose and lighted his pipe. "No doubt you think that you are complimenting me In comparing me to Dupln," he observed. "Now, in my opinion Dupln was a very Inferior fol low. That trick of his or breaking on his friend's thoughts with an apro pos remark after a quarter of an hour' silence Is really very showy and super flclal. He had some analytical genius no doubt: but he was by no mean such a phenomenon as Poe appeared to Imagine." "Have you read Oaborlau's works?" I asked. "Does Lccoq come up to your Idea of a detective?" Sherlock Holmes sniffed sardonical ly. "Lecoq was a miserable blunderer, ho said in an angry voice; "he had only one thing to recommend him, and that was his energy. That book made , me positively ill." "Tho question was how to Identify an unknown prisoner. I could have done It In twenty-four hours. Lennq took six months or so. It might be made a text book for detectives to tench them what to avoid." I felt rather Indignant at having two characters whom I had admired treat ed In this cavalier style. I walked over to the window and stood looking out Into the busy street. "This fellow .may be very clever." I said to myself, "but be Is certainly verv conceited." 'There are no crimes and no crim inals In these days." he said, -queru lously, "What Is the use of having brains In our profession? I know well that I have It In me to make my nam famous. No man lives or has ever lived who has brought the same amount of study and of natural talent to the detection of crime which I have done. And what Is the result? There Is no crime to detert, or, at most. some Mingling viilnny witn a motive so transparent that even a Scotland ard official can see through It I was still annoyed at his bumptious tylo of conversation. I thought It best to chance the topic. I wonder what that fellow Is look ing for?" ! asked, pointing to a stal wart, plainly dressed Individual who tops, looking like the reflection of the ns walking slowly down tne otnnr de of the street, looking anxiously at the numbers. He had a large blue en velope In his hand, and was evidently the bearer of a message. "You mean the retired sergeant of marines," said Sherlock Holmes, "Hrag and bounce!" thought I to my self. "He knows that I cannot verify his guess.1 Tho thought had hardly passed through my mind when the man whom we were watching caught sight of the number on our door and ran rapidly across the roadway, We heard a loud knock, a deep voice below and heavy steps ascending the the Judgment. stair. For Mr. Sherlock Holmes." he said stepping Into the room and handing mv friend the letter, Here was an opportunity of taking the conceit out of him. He little thought of this when he made that ran dom shot. May I ask, my lad," I said, blandly, what your trade may be?" Commissionaire, sir." he said, grurc ly. "Uniform away for repairs." "And you were." I asked, with a lightly malicious glance at my eom- nanlon. a dnnn( an- TIAVnl Murine .Ight Infantry, sir. No answer? Right Cuy yutiiiea me m rwm ao sir I was aniaied at th calm way tn which he rippled on. "Surely there la not a moment to be lost." I cried; "shall 1 go and order you a cab?" 1 am not sure about whether t shall go, I am the most Incurably buy tiev 11 that ever stood In shoe leather that Is, when the (It Is on me, for I can be spry enough at times," Why, It la Just such a chance as you have been longing for." My dear fellow, what does It mat ter to me? Suppose 1 unravel the whole matter, you may be sure that tlregson, lstrade ft Co. will pocket all the credit. Tlmt comes of being an uuolllclal personage." "Hut he begs you to help him." "Yes. 1U knows that I am bis su perior, and acknowledges It to me; but he would cut his tongue out before he would own It to any third person However, we may as well go and have a look, I shall work It out on my own hook. I may have a laugh at them, If I have nothing else, Come on. He hustled on his overcoat, and bus tled about In a way that showed that an energetic lit had superseded Me apathetic one. "(let your hat." he said. "You wish mo to come?" "Yes, If you have nothing better to do." A minute later we were both in hansom, drlvluc furiously for tne tlrlxton road. It was a fossy. cloudy morning, and a dun colored veil hung over the house mud colored streets beneath. Mv ramnanlon was In the best or spirits, and prattled away about Cre- m.iim n, lil es anil t ie ti mermen vv twemt a Stradlvarltis and an Amatl. As for mvself. I was silent, for tne dull weather and the nielnuciioiy misi ness upon which we were engaged de pressed my spirits. "You don't seem to give much thought to the matter In hand." 1 said st last Interrupting Holmes' musical disquisition. "No data yet." he answered, it is .. . . . . - ... -I. l..t.,.a a capital mismso m iiin you have all tho evidence. It biases iSl X I'ltcl, Fa.. You will have your data soon, I remarked, pointing with my hnger, this la the Brixton road, and that is the house. If I am not very much nils-taken." "So It Is, Stop, driver, stop: We were still a hundred yards or so from It. but ho Insisted upon our alighting, and we finished our Journey upon foot. (Tn b roatinutd.) A POSER IN ARITHMETIC. UK descendants of "Molly her," who reside In Carlisle, recently celebrated I lie an niversary of the battle of Monmouth, lu which Molly performed the deed that bus handed tier name down to poster ity. Incidentally. It w ill surprise nii people to learn that Molly's real lis tne was not I'ltclier, but Hays. The battle of Monmouth, which took place after the llrltlsli evscuallou of Philadelphia and was brought on by the determination of lien. Washington to follow and attack the en y as they were retreating to New York, was fought on niiu of the hottest days of the year, a fact which may have he!pe;! the Continental troops In catching up w ith t!en. ('Union's forces. The Intense heat, accompanied by rainy weather, LET US ALL LAUGH. JOKES FROM THE PENS OP VA RIOUS HUMORISTS. I'leaeant lurldeate Urcarrlng tne World Orel Haylnae thai Are Cheer ful to Old or roMB-r ! Mone thai Von Will Kujoy. "I notice," suld the wrathful musi cian, "Hint In your review of my pr- foriiiiiii-e lust evening you speak of my technique being faulty. Will you oo kind enough to tell lue what you under stand to lie the meaning of 'lech- nliiue?" " "Surely, air," replied the golf editor, who had acted temporarily as musical critic, "yon don't expect me to tell you In the Hi-seiii-e of thie two young hi- dies!" Chicago Tribune. Learned 111. Ml. lake. Farmer Ha) bill DM you ever buv s gold brick? Fiinni-r tiiitliniil -Never did! Hut, bcgoiili, I bought what I thought was une iiin-t. A Hiul Yetrran. Aanthar (tend War. Oilminy Wot s de beat wsy to tear a girl to s wliu? Johnny Well, yer want to lane ner gently by de band, b ad her g'-ntly down to il water, put yer arm gently 'round Imt waist and Chliuuiy Oh, cut It out. It s me sis ter! Johnny Ob! I'ush ber off do dock. I'uck. Kiel. think I have beard," said the ten- derfoot. "that the man yu canei iini- tli-snake Hani came to an unfortunate end hiigi for horse-stealing, or so thing of that kind." "Wuss than that, pard." replied the cowboy, shaking bis lieail wun inena- ble sadlieaa. "He was killed by Im-Ui throwed fr'w a boss." Chicago Trib une. He clicked his heels together, raised his hand In a salute and was gone. Ksewlne. Ooea. If vou ask a msn In the CHArTEIt lit. I confess that I was considerably startled by this fresh proof of practical nature of my companion s theories. My respect for his powers of anal ysls Increased wondrously. There still remained some lurking suspicion In my mind, however, that the whole thing was a prearranged episode. In- ended to dazzle me, though what earthly object he could have In taking me In was pust my comprehension. street the simple question, "What is 1 divided by a half?" lie will either reply tlmt the oieratlon Is an Impossible one or that the answer Is a hall. When you point the ot that 1 divided by 2 is ball. In will see that there Is something wrong somewhere, but will sli'l bo quite un able to give the right answer. When you tell blm that the snsser is 2, lie will either accept the assertion without understanding It, or will dispute it tooth and nail. II you attempt to con vince him of bis error, vou will find it Is not at all an easy tk. Ilia mistake Brines through the con- When I looked at him he had fin ished reading the note, and his eyes founding of twodlstlnct Ideas namely assumed the vacant, lack luster ex- i divided Into 2, and 1 divided by 2 presslon which showed mental an-Oiie divided lulu 2 I 1 divided Into Iwn Ititrla ahHi-ll (Mlllltttllilllf s half. Cue orld did you deduce llivi(M ,,y a U tltlil, ( i t0 2i r the nnnilwr ol times 2 Is contained In one. To anyone alio lias iiioiignt mo matter cut this scums ch ar enough, but to the man In the street it is Wr nonsense, and lie will lull you so. stractlon. How In the that?" I asked. "Deduce what?" said be, petulantly. "Why, that he was a retired ser geant of marines." I have no time for trines," ne re plied brusquely ; then, with a amllo, Excuse my rudeness, you broge tne thread of my thoughts; but perhaps It Is Just as well. So you actually were not able to see tlmt the man was a sergeant of marines." "No, Indeed." "It was easier to know It than to explain why I know It. If you were A Cruihln, Reply. Referring to the "I'nli.it ami I'ew" question raised by Dr. Ilortou's In teresting exieriment, a rtortli Mumon in In inter writni: "I think we ministers rather relinli nuun,i m nrove that two and two made criticism, but we gel too little of It." four, you might find some difficulty, One rcalls In Ibis connection me and yet you are quite sure of that story ol the young minister walking fact. Even across the street I could 10me with one of the ciders after the see a great blue anchor tattooed on ,0iVerance ol bin tlrflt sermon. After the back of the fellow a nnnd. I nat momenta' silence the latter ob- smackod of the sea. He had a mili tary carriage, however, and regulation side whiskers. There we have the marine. He wns a man with some amount of self Importance and a cer tain air of command. You must have obsorved the way In which he held his head and swung his cane. A steady, rosnectablo. middle-aged man, ton, on tho face of him all facts which lod me to believe that he bad been a ser goant." Wonderful!" I ejaculated. I l 1T..1...AM common uiucti, sum mum, ...... .. ,.i .!..,, . though I thought from his expression " ' ' l: " that he was pleased at my evident served : "You were not long "I sm very glad to bear you say so," renlled the youthful cleric; "I aa afraid I was toil Unix. "Oh," was tho crushing reply, "you were tedious." Westminster lla.utte. An Aatrchli! Candidate For the first lime in the parllnnien tary history of Italy an avowed anarch- 1st, Plotro Calcagno, is s caiKiniaie i r lie lives on a small island in the Meiliter- .....).. anrf admiration. "I said lust ranean and must not leavo mere wun nnur thnr ham vkth no crLmina is. u out Bovernmeni consent, niuour m- annenrs that I am wronu look at cauno lias been imprisoned several this!" He threw me over the note I times because of bis anarchistic, nttor which the commissionaire bad anCrH released only a abort I line brought aso on account ol 111 health mid has "why," I cried as I cast my eye over iie(i to this country and to Migiand It, "this Is terrible!" raor8 than once to escai the police "It does seem to be a little out of not sr v. ii( hk woi.t r riTciiia uiku, made slow marching, and at Mon mouth, In-fore they could reach the heights of Mlddletow u, 12 miles further on, (he Hrltli.li were forced lo stop and give battle. It Is said that because of the heat many soldiers on lsith sides fell oil this battlellcld without Weu having received a wouud. Willi John Hays, an American ar tillery sergeant, during this battle, was bis young wife, Molly, and she made It her business to go ainoug tho men with n pitcher of water to slake their thirst. This gained for her the nick name of "Molly I'ltclier." Mrs, Hays was of Herman extraction, her maiden name having been Mary I.udwlg. She did not belong to the army at the time of the battle of Monmouth, but alio bad fol lowed her hiisluiiid In his various marches and offered her service In car rying water, voluninrlly. At Mouuiouth she brought the water from a spring not far away and kept up the work unceasingly until the shot came which struck her husband. When he fell an Officer ordered his fUU to be w lli-eled back out of the way, but Mrs. Hays called out that she would serve It and without wsltlng for an answer proceed ed to do so, km plug the gnu lu effec tive operation uutll the bill lie was end ed. She wore a skirt made In the fash ion of that time but over this was an artilleryman's coat and on her head a cocked lint with feathers lu It. The next day Oen. tireeii hunted Molly up and conducted her to tleii, Washington, the commander In chief, w ho, contrary to the rules of war, gave her a ser fnnt's couiiiiImbIou, ami recommended that her tiatue be placed ou the list of half pay officers for life. Sergeant llnya, Molly's husband, was not killed In this battle, but only se verely wounded and bis wife nursed blm back to life again. This was not the very first battle In which Molly bad taken an active part. She was with ber husband st Fort Clinton when It was attacked by the Hellish ami the Amer icans were forced lo retreat. The soldiers were rushing out of the fort and Sergt. Hays turned away from bis gun. threw dow n his match and rnn for his lire, his wife all ready to follow. Hut seelug the live match on die ground ami knowing that the gun was loaded, she stopped long enough to pick It up ami touch off the gun before dashing away after her husband. That was the last gun which the Americana fired lu Fort Clinton. Hut the battle of Montiioiith w as Mo! ly's Inst. A few days later, on that very Held of conflict, w as born her only son, J oil ti I Hays, Ancr the war was over Molly aud her husbniid went back to her old home In Carlisle and lived there with their son at the I'lilled Slates barracks, built by the Hessians, w ho were tnken prlsotierds at the battle of Trenton. Here Molly cooked for the soldiers and after the death of her bus bund she kept a little store lu the southeastern part of the town, close by the house lu which Maj. Andre had been confined after bis cnpluru near I .a lie Champlaln. At the corner of Kast North and North Hedford streets stands the bouse where Molly pnssed her de clining years and w here she died. In the old cemetery at Carlisle, Pa the cltlxeiis of Cumberland County erected, July 4. 1,H,U, a monument to Molly Pitcher, heroine of Monmouth. Philip Slaw Him Hfit. Mrs, Dlinpleton-I am to see the doe- tor today, and 1 know be will Insist iism my going abroad. The lion. John No, be won t. I met blm yesterday and told blm If ho sent you abroa4 I couldn't pay bis bill. Kagslos; 'Hey, Where's that valise I gave you er quarter ter carry for me?" "It's all right, mister. Me little brud- dcr's eoiiilu' wld it Just as fust as be can." How Cruel uf II Int. Mrs. Mann William, why do you rai-e off to the club every evening right after dinner? Mr. Maun I want to make up for all the evenings I lost while I was court ing. Chelsea Gazette. She - So you fought III the pines? ere you ever shot? Tramp -Yes, mum. I w us shot twice lice, and liuirsliol twice. i n li s go American. Ill ML.I...I. I wonder w bat's ever become of our old frli iul In-finer, who talked so much f devoting himself to the uplifting of luiiiiklinl. I suppose he's an evangelist now." No; he's an elevator man In the Sky- reach llulldliig." Philadelphia Press. Wuultl Work Well. Mrs. Street - I have been very careful with my daughter. I have told her whenever she Is going to speak to stop mid listen bow It sounds. Mrs. I .n ne You ought to tell her to illotv the same rule when she Is alsmt to sing. onkors Statesman. A Low Death Hale. "You umy talk as you please," aatd the public-spirited suburbanite, "but our tow n Is all right. Why, look at our rciiiiiiHiibly low death rale. That's au argument." 'Yes, that's an argument," Interrupt ed the caustic city man. "It shows how very few people would care to lie found ml there." Philadelphia Press. The I'nnltulnubte. Woman These llsh don't seem very ffi-sh. Fish Hawker (grow llngly) Wot you wants Is llr.li caught to-morrow and 'ave 'cm today. Ileliied Himself. When I came to this tow n eighteen years ii no." said (he leading cltlxeu. bad only 1H pence In my pockets.' However," the cynic kindly added, "tin-re were other 'kcts." Tit Hits. RECLAIMING! OUR DESERTS. tho common," be remarked calmly, "Would you mind reading it to me aloud?" This is the letter which I read to him: ftr TVinst U fllinrlnilr TTnlmoa. There has been a bad business during of time until they get up a orport.io.i the nluht at 8 LaurlRton Oardens, on o'g " ' """' Unification. "Sectional linen aro vanishing. Hoon thero will be no north, no south, no east, no west!" "Yes; I suppose it s only a question the Brixton road. Our man on the beat saw a light there about 2 In the morning, and as the house was an empty one, suspected something was amiss. He found the door open and In the front room, which is bare of fur ture, discovered the body of a gentle man, woll dressed and having cards In bis pocket bearing the name of 'Enoch J. Drobber, Cleveland, Ohio, U. S. A.' There had been no robbery, nor 1b there any evidence as to how the man met his death. There are marks of blood In the room, but there la no wound upon his person. We are at a loss as to bow be came Into the empty house; indeed, the whole affair Is a puzzler. If you can come round to the hoime any tlmo before 12 you will find me thore. I have left everything In statu quo until I hear from you. If you are unable to come I shall give you fuller details, and would esteem It a great kindness If you would favor me with your opinion. Yours faithful ly, TOBIAS GREGSON," "Gregson Is the smartest of the Scotland Yardnrs," my frlond re marked. "He and LeHtrado are the pick of a bad lot. They are both quick and energetic, but conventional" shocking ly bo. They have their knives Into each other, too. They are as Jealous as a pair of profuHRlonal beauties. There will bo some fun over this coho If they are both put upon the scent." Puck. Whit fit Could Do. Tommy Ma, may I have Jimmy Briggs over to play on Saturday? Mrs. Foggs No, you make too much noise. You'd better go down to his house and play. The Largcit Dome. The largost dome In the world is that of the Lutheran church at War saw. Its interior diameter is 200 feet. That of the British museum library is I'M feet. On the Move. "They have two servants." "Huh! That's nothing usually have two in our hoiiso one going and one coming." 1'liiladolplila Press. Wb Leather Iron Cow'i Hide, i cow's hide produces thirty-five pounds of leather, and that of a horse about eighteen pounds. A Substitute, Friend Got any dufiinso? Criminal No; but I've got a first class lawyer. Puck. Tbsr Are Oratlually Yielding to th Kncrnai hment of Civilisation. The desert still maintains Its fust Hesse In the West. There are some spots better entitled to the name than ethers, but each year these fastnesses are shrinking before the advance of human enterprise, as the water might rise over the hind, leaving the high and difficult places to the last. Ho these Islands are scattered through several States ami Territories, mostly lu Ari zona, New Mexico, California, Nevada, Utah and Oregon, lu tho great valley lying between the main ridge of the llocky Mountains, on the east, and tne Cascades, Sierra Nevada and tho coast range, on tho west. Chief among them are the Mojavt Desert, In southeastern California, a territory as large ns Switzerland; the Colorado and Ulln deserts of south western Arizona and southern Califor nia; tho marvelous painted desert of northeastern Arizona; and the Great Salt Lake desert of I'liih. Opening northward from the Mojavo desert Hen Death valley, perhaps the most deso late and forbidding spot In America, though comparatively small In extent. Yet there are few places, even In these desert strongholds, that are wholly without life of one sort or an other, and a large proportion of them could bo reclaimed If water wore avail able. Even as It Is, nut one can bar human activity; railroads have been built directly across three of the worst of them; mines nre being opened nnd oil wells driven; hind Is being re claimed by Irrigation; and even In the fastnesses of Death valley there are many mining on nips and an extensive borai Industry. In all the West, look as you will, says tho'Ccntury, you will llnd no des ert more pitifully forlorn, more desert ed, more Irreclaimable, and more worthless than the niun-mnde deserts of northern Wisconsin and Michigan whore Are has followed the heedless lumberman and sprend a black nnd littered waste thousands of square mllts In extent, where once grew a splendid green forest of pine. One Is beautiful with the perfected grandeur Into which nature molds even the most unpromising material; tho other Is hldeotiB, grotesque, pitiful, a reminder of the reckless wastefulness of man. NEW ARMY UNIFORM. Neighborly Advice. Mrs. Nexdore My daughter's getting to lie quite an enthusiastic piano player. Mrs. Pcpprey Yes: why dou't you get her to Join a union? Mrs. Nexdore Join a union? Mrs. Pepprey Yes; she wouldn't work more than eight hours a duy at It then. Philadelphia Press. Answtra lb Door. Mrs. Tbroop (excitedly) Bridget, there's s policeman ringing st the front door U-ll. Bridget (coolly) Well, ma'am, ye can tell blm Ol'm not lu. I'oll la. Mrs. Jones John, there are burglars down stairs! Mr. Jones (sleepily) You go down, dear. They wouldu't dare strike a woman. The Onlr Way. 3 Gfe' He Knew. Teacher James, you may tell where the Declaration of Independence was signed. James Please, ma'am, at tho bot- totn. IndlHimiiolla News. W It son Y'es. sir; this summer 1 ex pect to own my own home. Kidder How long do you think your wife will bo away? . Pha Waan't There. Woman (to dry goods clerk who has been showing blankets for half au hour)-1 thank you for your trouble, but I really didn't Intend to buy any thing. I'm looking for a friend. Clerk-Well, If you think she's In these blankets, I'll go through them again. tttiatoil Ktreela. "Haven't been lu llostou lately, have you V ".Nop." "Weve been making some big Improvements there. Widened one of our streets two Inches! Yes. sir." Cleveland Plain Denier. No Chance to Talk. Wlgg-No. 1 can't say that Talkiilot Is a friend of mine. 1 merely have a speaking acquaintance with him. Wngg Most people only have a lis tening acquaintance. Philadelphia Record. Amotiif the Nobility. Knickerbocker to He Hlllitltuted for Long Trouaars The Cnlted Stales army Is to have new uniform. Radical changes tiro to bo made lu both service and dress uni forms of officers and men of branches of the service. Some tlmo sun Secretary of Sar Root appointed a special commission o arm officers to Investigate and rcpor ou the question of Improvement lu th uniforms now worn. This commission has held a number of hearings, exam I tied the uniforms of the armies of oth er countries and will report to Secre tary Root recommending a number of; changes. These recommendations w-lll lucludc the adopttou of khaki as the service uniform for all arms, but full length trousers for privates are to be aliol Ished. The new service uniform pro posed will have, lu place of full-length trousers, knickerbockers and either leg gings or a wrapping for the legs similar to that used In the Hi'IMhIi army. Iug trousers aro to be retained lu tho dress uniform, but the helmet will bo nlHil Ishod and a enp with n visor substitut ed. Tho brown slouch bat with the service uniform will be retained. The proposed changes In tho uniform of officer nre all In tho direction of simplicity, Tho present long, heavy sword Is to be abolished In favor of n short and light-weight weapon sliulliu' to Hint now used lu the Italian nruiy. In full-dress uniform officers will wear 0 enp with visor which Is to be modeled after n pattern used In tho Prussliiu regiments of the Germany army. Tho knapsack Is tn he abolished nnd In Its place there will be ft canvas bag that will bo suspended by straps over both shoulders. The bag will bung about the middle of the back. It Is expected that Secretary Root will approve the proposed changes and, unless It Is found necessary to hnve Congress pass on the mutter, the army will appear lu the new uniforms be fore, the end of the year. So far as Is known at present It will not bo neces sary to refer the matter to Congress. Washington Cor. St. Louta Republic. urn ft 111 on Kartb. "You are an angel," asserted the love stricken youth. "That's no reason why you should keep her up to un earthly hours," remarked the old uiau from the head of the stairs. Philadel phia Record. lu Mr. I'ppcrteu I suppose you saw a great many old ruins while In Europe? Mrs. Neiirlch Yes, Indeed. And sev eral of them hud the nerve to propose uiiii'i'hige. Tempos Knult. I don't like the man." "Why not?" "I hadn't been tnlklng to him Ave minutes before ho said I was an Ullot." "Why the delay?"-Judge. A cnt may look at n king and not seo anything remarkable, either. Wisdom In Kcllpae. Joe You dou't seem afraid to talk with the sweet girl graduate. Dick No; those glH" M'o nil so pleased with their new frocks that they won't mention books. A Timely Affair. "You are charged with loitering," aid the repairer to the tired watch. "W hat have you to say for yourself?" "Nothing," replied the watch. "You should Judge me by my works." "Well, I will look Into your case," said tho repairer, "and If I llnd you guilty "What will you do?" queried the watch. "Set you to work doing time, prob ably," replied the repairer, who had a license to poNC as a Judge. A V ii lid Reason, "You refuse to saw wood for your dinner? "Yes, luily not that I object to the work, hut I don't want to establish a precedent." Judge. Not Kuperatltlmis, Teas Don't you renlly believe dreii ms? Jesse-No, Indeed. It's superstitious to believe In dreams, and besides It's bad sign when you believe In them, for It usunlly brings you bnd luck. Philadelphia Press. Hid She Menn Anything Cnklnd? Mother (exhibiting first born) Don't you see a reacuimuucer Loot at our faces side by side. Visitor Nothing could be plnlucr. Punch. Revenue. The Bride There's only one thing needed to complete our happiness. The (!rooiu-Whnt Is that, dearest? The Bride I do wish my first hus band and your first wife would meet aud get married. No Chance to Kepent. Bllder You say you ninrrlcd in haste. Then I suppose you are repent ing nt leisure? Glider No; I'm kept so busy hustling that I have no leisure. Wronaly Numed. Mrs. Crlmsonbeiik What kind of a cigar are you smoking? Mr. CrlniHonbeiik That's tho latest, dear; It's cnlled n Plug-Pong. Mrs. CrlniNOiibenk Well, I can't un derstand why they call It that (with her bund nt her nose); It certainly Is not adapted to tho house. Yonkcrs Statesman. The Task Impossible. The committee waited upon the suc cessful man. "Your fnmo has preceded you," they Bald ns he entered the room. Ho smiled serenely, "I am rnther well known," he admitted, modestly. "You hnve given names to sleeping cars, new cigars, health foods nnd games liiimas that have pleased the public and your patrous." Tho successful uian bowed. "Well," said the spokesman, "wo have a new baby at our bouse, and we have como to you to select a name that will please her parents, sisters and brothers, grandparents, cousins, uncles, Hunts and friends of the family, and herself, later on." The successful man frowned sternly. "Sir," he said, "I do not undertake the Impossible." Cincinnati Commer cial Tribune. A wash out ou a railway. Hue Is oue thing and It Is quite another on a clothes line. Many a man seems dead to the world when he la burled lu thought.
