The Hillsboro argus., March 21, 1901, Image 4

J. P1ERP0NT
t
J. Pierpont Morgan, the new Industrial
king of the United State, has risen ao
uddenly Into that poaitloa that It will
be eome time before the public generally
will be able rightly to associate him with
the power he really possesses. Mr. Mor
gan's name haa been ao long and inti
mately connected with banking that the
old aaaociation will ding even in spite
of hia recent stupendous operations in
railroad and hia just completed acquisi
tion, for himself and hia capitalist part
ners, of the huge steel industries hitherto
in the control of Andrew Carnegie. But
Mr. Morgan has long been an important
fiirure in the steel business, even if Mr.
Carnegie's prime position in that field haa
served to obscure hia rival's prominence.
Hereafter the name of Morgan will con
note railway empire in America and the
mighty grind of iron and steel mills.
The new industrial ruler is a nitive of
Hartford, Conn. Hia father, Junes Mor
gan, was a farmer boy who became a
New England banker. The ton waa edu
cated In Boston and in Germany and at
the death of his father inherited a for
tune of about $10,000,000. These figures
represented the Morgan equity in the
banking house of J. & Morgsn k Co. of
London and of Drexel, Morgan & Co. of
New York. Pierpont Morgan married
Miss Frances Tracy. He haa three chil
dren, Louis and Annie and J. Pierpont,
Jr who attends to the business of the
banking houses abroad. As an example
of business capacity of a remarkable
kind, Mr.' Morgan la unparalleled. No
great mental product of modern industry
can approach him. He is aa capable aa
any ef the Rothschilds in the money line
and his recent achievements aa an indus
trial erganiier surpass any similar feats
performed by other operators in this
country or abroad. Numerous organisera
rily did ouch preparatory work,
AS THE SUN WENT DOWN.
After the din of the battle's roar, .
Juat at the close of day,
Wounded and bleeding upon the field.
Two dying soldiers lay.
One held a ringlet of thin grsy hair.
One held a lock of brown.
Bidding each other a last farewell,
Juat as tha sun went down.
Chorus:
One thought of mother, at home alone.
Feeble and old and gray;
One of the sweetheart he left in town,
Happy and young and gay,
One kissed a ringlet of thin gray hair.
One kissed a lock of brown;
Bidding farewell to the Stars and Stripee
Just as the tun went down.
One knew the Joya of a mother! love.
One of a sweetheart fair;
Thinking of home, they lay side by aide,
Breathing a farewell prayer,
One for the mother no old and gray.
One for his love in town.
They dosed their eyea to earth and akies
Just aa the son went down.
lltltlllHU till III tll
t THEY WERE SWEETHEARTS!
ttllHHIH I IIH rrrr
ESIDE a French window In
I deep armchair sat a woman. It
was evening, and a drizzling rain
dampened the pane, but the woman
tared straight ahead Into the dark
new and teemed unconscious of the
Immediate environments. None who
knew her bad ever sees her face lose
i Its tweet placidity, nor had they beard
her words make a discord In the music
of speech. Sbe passed among her fellow-creatures
dropping bits of tun-
' chine here and there as the went ber
way, looking toward the mysterious
future.
And now, as she sat there alone, a
treat calm fell over ber, for the mission
which she bad long sought bad at last
eome Into ber life. What should sbe
do? The woman's eyes closed and she
leaned ber head back against the vel
vet cushion! of the chair. The ideal
outlines of a face formed themselves
on the curtain of ber Imagination a
(ace neither handsome nor Imposing in
appearance, but with coldly critical
blue eyes and a sensitive tightening of
the lips; a face one cower love tor nis
frank boyishness. The blue eyes smti-
' ed Into the eyes of the woman, and she
sighed over ber mission because the
face was there.
"Heaven give me strength," sbe mur
mured, an alien passion stealing over
her face; "it It for him for bim."
Did the not see the sudden swinging
aside of the door curtains, nor hear
the confident stride across the thresh
old I
There was a pause, followed by a
deep-voiced ejaculation of impatience
as tome one stummed over a cbair,
The woman rose noiselessly and lighted
the gas then smiled as the glare fell
on the young man standing before her
with his bands thrust deeply fn bis
pockets.
"I beg pardon, Evelyn." he burst out
laughing good-naturedly as bis hand
clasped bers. ; "What are you doing
lone In this gloom? Don't I bring
sunshine enough with me without you
''. lightening up as I enter?" He threw
himself Into a chair. "What a night!
Gloomy at the boun of midnight
have the blues, Evelyn may 1 tell you
' all my troubles V
Evelyn Westland gazed down on trie
hnt.h rue with strsnee wlstfulnest.
(fit 0vt years which divided their lives
MORGAN,
KINO OF FINANCIAL WORLD.
Mi
but the big achievements are hia. The
figurea representing the wealth hia mind
directa in the railroad field are so vast aa
to be Inconceivable. A row of ten figurea
will alone describe them In numbera of
dollars.
The Morgana were early associated
with the Vanderbiita in the upbuilding
and extension of tha New York Central
properties. In thia work It waa the mas
ter intellect of J. Pierpont Morgan which
deftly manipulated thoae vast properties
and brought them to their present effi
ciency. The name which was associated
with them waa the name of Vanderbilt
but the niind that mastered the giant
problems waa the mind of Morgan.
Among the concrete reeulta of Mr. Mor
gan's intellectual labors hare been the
reorganisation of the Buffalo and the
West Shore, and its lease to the New
York Central; the reorganisation of the
Chesapeake and Ohio; the rearrangement
of the Great Southern and the reorgan
isation of the Erie, and his influence has
teemed like a gulf to her Just then; he
was In hit prime, while the the knew
the sorrows of the world by heart Aa
he glanced up, she smiled and shook
her bead. "I am ready to listen. Sever-
ance; what baa life been bringing to
you? Sadness? It seems Impossible,
you bare such a bright way oi looting
at care.'
Severance Caulder sighed. "You have
been a good friend to me, bveiyn, ne
said, thoughtfully
"And why shouldn't I ber
"Why? Because I am wayward and
careless and hot-headed; because I
wound you In a thousand nameless
ways when 1 don't mean to; because
you are good and sweet, and lam wick
ed and restless." He spoke fervently,
bnt Evelyn only crossed over and laid
ber band upon bis arm.
"Hush: you speak foolishly. Tell me
your cares, tnd let us leave your mis
erable points out of the question,"
smiling down Into bis serious eyet.
"Do you know, only once In a man't
life does be reach the ttage of self
criticism that Is when he is In love.
You see, I have guessed your secret;
ah. Severance, I guessed K long since,
only you were afraid to trnat me with
it. Am I rightr
"You are right"
What bad come over the world just
blacker than ever before. She felt
then? To Evelyn It looked colder and
blacker than ever before. She felt the
blood slowly go from ber face, and a
chill grip seemed to seise ber heart
He In love! The boy friend who had
always made ber bis confidante. His
heart was no longer free to tell her Its
trials, and yet sbe had no right to be
jealous of the little bits of exchanged
confidence. She was only a friend to
bim and to ber be was
"A woman is a good guesser" the
said, still smiling, though ber Hps were
white. "Come over here by the win
dow where you can be more comforta
ble; now, 1 am ready to listen."
Her voice was guarded, even as be:
eyes were In the light. Caulder glanc
ed over to ber and looked inteutly at
her face for several minutes.
"It has crept upon me unawares,1
lie began slowly, "and yet I might hare
known In time to prevent It." ;
Evelyn bent forward. "Is it so un
happy?"
He laughed bitterly unlike the
frank, free-hearted boy of yesterday'.
"Unhappy? 1 do not know. I am
wretched; 1 feel so lonely. Evelyn."
"Oh. Severance!" There was a tre
mor In ber voice. Even In that hour
a black shadow passed over ber heart.
All the sunshine went out of her life
1 and sbe wondered If her loneliness was
; not aeeper muu u.
t... 1.1-
"7 JJ
"WHAT XLS HATt top TO SAT 7;
bean felt by the Pacific system. Borne of
tha achievementa which he made Met-
dents to his money and railroad business
are tha present efficiency of the Chins
and Japan carrying trade, tha consolida
tion of the Western Culon Telegraph and
tha American Bell Telephone coatpaniee.
the combination of the coffin producing
and ateel Industrie, and his launching of
tha new Edison procesa of magnetic iron
ore separation. Mr. Morgan Is fond of
the good things or life, although his mst
Intense pleasures are derived from tb
exercise of his functions aa a business
man. He arattera wealth among chari
ties with a lavish hand. lie likes fine
pnintinga and rare books. He baa a copy
of the great folio Shskspear of 1U23.
and a Masarin Bible. He la a good
church member, smokes expensive cigars,
likes steam yachts, good dogs, fins
horses, and, in short, by ro means spends
all bia time dreaming of new combiua
tlona in business or of the price of money
in the great markets of the world.
"You you are angry with me." thf
boy exclaimed, half passionately; "yoj
think I am foolish to talk of love.'
"No, I do not. Only why do yoo
not go to her and tell her of your lore.
all your pain? Sbe will listen to you-
she must listen to you. Bitterness of
ten deprives love of its joy. and the
first sweet love dream is often blight-
ed by one's own lack of confidence. Men
should never blame a woman If sbe
sometimes appears cold, and at other
times t,x light and gay, grief gnaws
deep, and woes are hard to bear. Wom
en are bard o understand; their bands
are tied in every emotion; their life is
masked."
Caulder rose and stoo l In the mldd'.i
of the room. Evelyn followed bis ex
ample.
"Will you go to her?" sbe asked gent
l.
He stared at ber half sullenly much
as a boy would look at an older sister
who had corrected bim.
"Ar you sure I will not regret speak
Ing to her?" be questioned, after t
ytause.
"1 trust not, I believe not God help
you." Sue held out her hands Impul
slvely. He took them in his own; bet
hands were cold, although she candid
ly returned "Ms glance.
""What else have you to say. Eve
lyn?" There was a teudarness In his
tone.
What had sbe not to say? Should she
tell bim bow ber life would be a blank
without bim? How be bad crept Into
ber heart with bis boyish eyes and
smile? . Uow the woman who beard
his troubles and comforted him in hb
first pain was starving for the young
love be bad bestowed on some fair
one? No. she could not tell bim all the
bitter truth! Sbe was conscious of
choking sensation which prevented
speech; ber glance feu lower and lowet
nntll It rested on the rug at ber feet
She knew ber finges closed around hlr
Impulsively with a sudden dread of hlr
leaving ber forever,
"I have thli to say to you"-be
breathed the words slowly "will yon
still l.-t me be your friend, or will she
who has won your love be both sweet
heart and friend r
What had her voice betrayed? She
felt ber bands suddenly pressed against
a wai3. unbearded cheek, and a voice
which thrilled ber with awe spoke bet
name.
"She who has won my heart Is my
friend," he said softly, "and"-draw
Ing the slight fig .e Into bis armt-
"will she be my sweetheart, too?"
She was a woman wltb a mission
and yet, as sbe glanced up Into those
earnest eves, her Hps were raised to
meet his kiss half way.
Women Workers In France.
A recent volume treating of the work
of women in France gives this table of
women workers In that country: Pby
slcians,450; authors, 610; artists and
sculptresses ,3,500; singers and actress
es, 3.000; nurseu, 13,000; milliners, 30,
000; government employes, 60,000
members of religious orders, 95,000
teachers, 100,000; In business bouses,
245,000; landowners, 600.000; factory
glrls,575,0O0; domestic servants, 650,
000; seamstresses, 950,000; farm labor
ers. 2.700,000.
When a girl It first In love, she buys
very expensive note paper to write to
Him on, but after the engagement Is
an old affair, she writes ber notes on
margins of newspapers, or on tbe
butcher's wrapping paper.
A boy's first trousers and a man's
first love are toon outgrown.
REPTILES OF GUIANA
THEY ARC FOUND QALORC
THE DUTCH COLONY.
IN
Abaadaac of task of Alssost Kver
Haa out Vartatr-Maay Harmless
Oaaa, oat Maay More af Meat Visoa
m Tape Are Kaconattrea.
"Speaking of snakes,' said a mining
ieuglueer, l do not thluk there is a
spot on the fact of this earth to equal
I Dutch Uulaua In that respect There
they have large snakes and small
snakes, red suakea and greeu snakes,
muer-colored snake and goldeu
suakea, suakea harmless and auakes
deadly, round headed suakea and Hat
beaded snakes, aud suakea rauglng
through the entire list of colors from
mud gray to striped orange and red.
"If you are a teuderfoot lu tha coun
try, before you leave Paramaribo for
the gold fields In the juugle the native
will waru you against the suake. On
the way to tb fields. 400 nillet l
river lu cauue, you can shoot a doaeu
or more water suake If you are watcu-
fuL Ouc lu vamp and accustomed to
precautious, before you get Into your
hammock at night you turn It luslde
out to oust possible parrot auak that
may have taken kindly to your bed.
During the ulght. If you are called upou
to leave camp you pick your way along
the juugle trail with a lantern ueld low
to light every luob your feet traverse.
In the morning when you com to the
ember of your camp tire you will find
a buuch of suakea curled up around
one another to keep off tb chill of the
night lu the warm aahe. And so It Is,
suake, snakes, suakea. Throughout
40.000 square mile of Jungle It la ou
continuous anak paradise.
"Barring death by juugle fever, more
miner aud prospector are aunually
takeu off by suake bin than by any
other cause. Human life in that coun
try means less than It does here, aud
so It la that mlue owners do not compel
their negroe to wear shoes, and so It
la also that In the brushwood surround
Ing some of the older camp there are
scattered mounds bearing neither name
nor Inscription, but pohited out oc
caslonallT bv veteran miners as the
place of So and So, poor devil, bitten
by a snake.'
"One of the moat barmlesa and one
of the prettiest suake In Dutch Uulaua
Is the parrot snake. He la a little three-
foot arangemeut grass green, pink
eyed, and, among snake, probably the
most knowing. These little chaps are
often found In camp. Their ouly ob
jection I that they wriggle when you
lie down on them. They become very
tarn if encouraged, and take readily
to civilisation and sugar. In return
for their board tbey keep the camps
clear of mice aud spiders.
"But for each variety of harmless
snake in Dutch Guiana there are five
of the most venomous type. These are
known by their flat triangular heads,
and by their sluggishness. A poison
out snake rarely move out of the way
of an Intruder. He waits to strike, and,
If be strike, recovery depends on what
antidote may be at band. For tbia rea
son every white miner and every fore
man over a gang of men carries In his
hunting bag a bottle of concentrated
ammonia and a tourniquet The pre
caution taken by white men In that
Jungle against snake bites Is to wear
thick woolen socks and bigb-laced
boots. Others, In preference to wear
log heavy boots, use leggings made of
canvaa lined with strips of whalebone.
Through these protections It Is Impos
sible for a snake to strike deep enough
Into the flesh to Insert venom. Many
an old pair of boots scarred wltb snake
bites Is treasured as a memento by its
owner. But It Is when men grow care
less and discard their protections thut
tbey are dangerously bitten.
"W ben a man has beeu struck no
time Is taken to suck the poison out of
the wound. Nine times out of ten the
wound Is In the leg below the ' knee.
The tourniquet Is slung about the leg
above the wound, and. after being
drawn tight, without waiting to suck
the poison. from the wound, ammonia la
applied. From time to time the touml
quet Is loosened to allow part of the
poison to work Into the system, but no
more than the system can take care of
at one time. In this way the entire
poison Is gradually worn out by the
system Instead of getting In Its full
deadly force at once."
FOUND HIS COAT OF ARMS.
Western Mlltloaalr Was Not Aaxlon
to Inqnlr lntt Aaccstral Record.
A man who bad been west for sever
al years accumulating a large fortune
returned to New York a short time ago
with bis family and resumed bis resi
dence In this city. Before be left New
York be bad bad a vague Idea that be
was a man of family; tbat bis ancestry
was something to look back upon with
pride, and tbat It entitled him to no
mean position In society. Out In tbe
wild and woolly Occident, In his ttrenu-
ousendeavorto Increase his pile, geneal
ogy was farthest from his thoughts.
jille bad not long resumed bis residence
In New York before bis wife and
daughters began to go out. Through
constant urging on tbe part of bit wife
and daughters be finally decided to look
up bis tree In the hope of discovering
tbe family crest A firm which dealt
In genealogy and heraldry for an ap
propriate fee fitted bim out wltb a tree
rooted In royalty and budding out wltb
tbe flower of the land, and also a coat
of arms consisting of a sheep In golden
fleece rampant wltb two eagles dupli
cate In an azure field. Tbe wife and
daughters bubbled over wltb delight
and could hardly wait for the embla
zoning of the crest Paterfamilias was
somewhat skeptical, however, and
sought the counsel of a friend who ad
vised bim to look up bis tree and verify
It at tbe New York Historical society.
He set to work wltb a will and after
several weeks labor bad traced back
his ancestry for four generations, but
as yet bad found nothing In tbe way of
antecedent to be especially proud. The
librarian was becoming a bit testy at
the Incessant demand for records and
historical works and one day, In reply
to a request for something of an earlier
date, almost snapped out:
"Why don't you try the records of the
general quarter sessions court?"
"Good Idea," said the man In search
at ancestral knowledge, and be was
rS1T:iS,2S
to himself after fifty page of Stuyve
sants. Van Rensselaer. Van Bruuts,
Da Pe.vsters. etc., recorded aa judge,
mayor, aldermen and jurors. H was
confident that b would soon be at tb
root of the Ire and his coufldenc was
not misplaced.
Wheu asked at home what success
he bad met wltb he replied:
"The really appropriate heraldic
design for our family crest would b a
gallows rampant with an ancestor
pendant, and any quaulty of crow In
an ature field." New York Evening
Sun.
GOOD
Short Storle$
f
An otUcer now a patleut In No. 3 Of
ficer' Hospital at Pretoria, rlta this
characteristic auecdote of I-ord Kitch
ener: "The other day he stopped u
officer In the atreetsof Pretoria who was
wearing a single eye-glass. II said:
Excuse me, but do you think it abso
lutely necessary for your sight to wear
that glass? The offleer replied. 'Vet.
sir; certaluly.' Urd Kltchuer said, 'I
am particular to have officers with good
sight only In Pretoria. You will report
yourself for duty ou lines of communi
cation at th ottlc of the It 8, O., at
five o'clock. Collapse of officer."
One night, when the attendance In a
small town In th French provinces
was especially bad, Sarah Reruhardt.
bored by the small site of th audience
and Ita stupidity, resolved to mak th
most of It. The play waa "Camltle,"
but, lustead of speaking th Hoe as
Pumas wrote them. Sarah made up th
play as she went along, Interpolating
such opinions as, from minute to uilu
ute, she had of the audience. She called
them unutterable things, and In a high
ly dramatic way. Tbe Innocents ap
plauded these sentiments vigorously,
upon which th called them something
worse.
The late John J. Bagley, during his
second successful campaign on the Re
publican ticket for Governor of Michi
gan, spoke one evening at Kalaiuaaoo,
aud at the beginning of bis remarks be
alluded frankly to his lack of oratorical
gifts. After he had finished, a man
pushed forward, grasped bla hand
warmly, and said: "Uovernor. I have
been a life-long Democrat but at the
coming electlou 1 aball vol for you."
Thank .you," replied the Governor,
much gratMled; "may I ask the partlcu
lar rea sou for your change?" "Because
you are tbe first speaker on either side
In this campaign tht 1 have heard tell
tne irutn. iou saiu wnen you uegao
that you couldn't make much of a
speech, aud. by Jluks, you can't"'
Talleyrand's wife was tbe revert of
brllllaut, and he used to excuse his mar
riage on the ground that "clever women
may compromise their husbands, stupid
women only compromise themselves.'
One day th famous traveler, M
Denon, waa expected to dlnuer, and
Talleyrand conjured madame to pre
pare herself for sensible conversation
by looking over Devon's work, un
fortunately, on her way to the library,
madame forgot the name. She could
ouly remember It ended In "on." Tbe
librarian smilingly handed her a copy of
Koblusou Crusoe." Madame easily
mastered its coulents. and at table
astonished her guest by exclaiming:
"Mon Dleu, monsieur, what Joy you
must have felt In your Island when you
found Friday!"
John Knapp, of tbe St Louis Hepub
llcan. had little use for press agents,
and It took a mighty shrewd man to get
a free puff from bim. He never would
publish a lawyer's or a doctor's name
If be could avoid It, for tbey might de
rive some beuetlt from the free adver
tisement It Is said that one morning
mention was made lu tbe Kepubllcan-
they call It tbe Kepubllc uow-of a uinn
having died of Bright' disease. Old
man Knapp hunted up the proof-reader,
aud called bltu Into the private ottlce.
Why did yun let that get Into the pit
per?" asked the old man. Indicating
with bis forefinger the objectionable
paragraph. "I don't see but that's all
right," suld the reader, "You don't,
eh'" mapped old man Knapp "you
don't, eh? Do you think we want to ad
vertise that man Bright for nothing?
He never had an 'ad' in tblt paper In
his life?"
Gold Found.
A curious discovery has been made
during the dredging operations at the
mouths of Morlay and Shoalhaven
Rivers In New South Wales. These
rivers run through an auriferous dis
trict, and at tbe estuary sand bars and
alluvium are deposited. Tbls obstruc
tion ha to be constantly removed by
dredges In order to allow the channels
of tbe rivers to be kept open for na
vigation. This mud was then taken
out to sea In hoppers and discharged
A workman one day, Impressed by the
curious nature of the soil, panned a lit
tle off, and wat surprised to find
small, sediment of gold dust He com
muulcated his discovery to the author!
ties, and further Investigations proved
that the alluvium was freely charged
with this metal. It was therefore de
cided to extract this gold, and tbe mud
Is now run through an automatic gold
saver before being dumped Into the sea.
It Is anticipated tbat tbe quantity of
gold recovered by this means will de
fray tbe total cost of the dredging
operations.
A Sclentlflo Scrap Book.
L. O. Howard, chief of tbe division of
entomology, felt somewhat flattered at
receiving one day a letter from a gen
tleman asking hlro to send a copy of
his report.
Mr. Howard replied promptly, and
asked to which particular report bis
corresponuent rererrea. xne answer
came:
"Am not particular which one you
send. I want It for a scrap-book."
Home-drown Luster.
"Then you don't bank much on
an-
cestral pride?"
"No; It Is more to a man's credit to
start from nowhere and be loinebody
than to start from somewhere and be
nobody." Indianapolis Journal. .
OUR BUDGET OF FUN.
HUMOROUS SAYINGS AND DO
INGS HERC AND THERE.
Isksaaaa JsksUU that Arctapvoosd
to Hav Basa stecaatlf Bora-aafiaas
aa Dalai that Ar Old, Carlo aad
LaaaasBls-Taa Wmi'i Uassor,
"Polly, dear, suppose I were to shout
at a tre with five birds on II, aud kill
three, how many would there bw left?"
Polly (aged 0) Three, please.
Teacher-No two would be left.
Polly No, tlh're wouldn't. Th three
shot would l left and the other two
would be filed away.-Tlt-lllts.
Th K na of a HlufT.
Mlstreas-llomira, didn't I see Mr.
Skylcr kiss you this uiorulug?
Maid -I'm astonished, Mrs. Skyler,
that you should thluk of such a thing!
Mr. Kkyler of all men! Why, you know,
uever kisses even you. Boston
Transcript,
A Uo d Hani.
Edith-How win the season at Bar
Harbor?
Mabel Just lovely! I got eight en
gageitieut rings aud ouly Hire bad to
be returned.
Ht Pat Mn lo ftttp.
"My hroiliiT, tbe prise fighter, has put
doaen men to sleep.
"That's nothing. My brother, the
preacher, puts tbe whole cougregatlou
to sleep,
Cold.
He I hsve txx-n longing for this mo
ment, Ml Flimsle, when I can lay my
burning heart at your feet.
Flossle-Oh, It's very good of you-
my feet are so cold, Ally Hloper.
The Point of Vlw.
Parson-Will you nab ber for beitah
er woks?
Isaac-Well, sah, I dtltinu. My folks
say It's won aud ber folks say It't bet-
tah.
Accounting 'or Thslr Actlvltv.
Mr. Hayseed These New Yorkers
e' rush tlielrselves to deslh. Why ou
earth do they kill themselves that
way?
Mrs. Hayseed Land sake! they've
got to. Thluk of the rents they pay.
New York Weekly.
A Kenolur Thin.
Daughter." said Mr. Olildlng.
that young Mr. Dlnsmore a man
regular hahlts?"
Oh. yes, papa." replied Miss Did
ding. "He proposes regularly every
Thursday night." Detroit Free Press.
Information Alwsye on Tap,
"Joslah," suld Mrs, Cliugwster,
"when one of the big battleships runs
aground how do they get It off?"
They pull It off with a tug of war,
answered Mr. Chugwater, "I should
th Ink you'd know enough to kuow
that."-Chlcago Tribune.
Rrcnan smI th American.
Judge Hicks, of Minneapolis, being In
I.oiidon, Inquired lilt wsy of a police
man.
"You're from Hsmerlca?"
"Yet. tlr."
"You can't Mde the haccent." Huston
Christian lleglsier.
Ran th Hlh Hall FnillUds.
Mother My dear boy, I'm so glad to
nave you home again. I suppose you
were where the bulls were thickest)
Soldier Son Yes, mother; the high
balls.
To B Ksn-rtrd.
"You fellows," complained the King
of Beasts, "don't seem to be properly
impressed when I start to describe my
adventures."
"Ah!" replied the diplomatic hyena,
"your tlorlcs are wonderful, but then
we know you arc a lion."
Hampered,
"Ida never talks slang."
"Then thnt't It, 1 wondered why It
was she could never make herself un
derstood." Philadelphia Bulletin,
Forewarned,
!'You can't believe more than half
you hear."
"Which half of what you tell me shall
I believe?"
I clliihtrul Man.
He Going shopping, Miss Vnndor
trelt? She Yes, I'm going to buy tome
pretty pictures for my room.
He Why dou't you buy a half-dozen
mirrors? Then you would see a pretty
picture whichever way you turned,
Summervllle Journal.
Night in Cniciao. -
Conductor Why didn't you stop for
thein three fellers that signaled?
Motormau I got my week's salary In
me pocket, and you bet I alu't taklu'
chances like that! Puck.
, Punished.
"What are you reading, Dorle?"
papa's poems,"
"Bsen naughty?" Punch.
The Fmnt.
That settle It, Imuks. Our land
lady lis leu rradlng about Lorb's salt
lire."
What how?"
We'll got suit herrlug brakfitt
every morning until the ltiy season.
Philadelphia North American.
Pad trorm. ,
"Llsleii!" he whispered.
MarJorl pressed his hand softly.
"Not uow!" she ssld. "It It bad form
to llsteu while the plauo It playlug!"-
Detrolt Jouruul.
Foot, N" Work.
Farmer's Wife-Why dou't you A
that piece of steak I sent out for you?
Tramp (Indignantly-1 dldu t ask rot
work, nia'aui; I aked for something to
eat-Pick XI l p,
!( tip hart.
Jluimy-Wliat time do yer htve !
get tor work ?
Johnny -Oh, any lime I like lutii
as 1 alu't later tliau 7 o'clock.-lUrpe.'t
Itutar.
la Missouri.
Clerk-That tralu robber h
won't pay bis bill. '
Missouri tlmcer-Wvll. then, I iup-
pose we'll bav to garulshe Hit rail
road company.- Puck.
Ills !
"Why should woman take a "isn't
name when she inurrlc htm?
Well, as lotig s she lik's every
thing else, she might a well ak Uial,
loo. Philadelphia Press.
Ian of Apprnprlnt on.
Mr, Stmpklhs and our daugntcr
must he engaged,"
"Do they seem fond of each other T"
"No; !ut he has beguu l Qul fault
with lu-r."
No Wondar.
Itnrnestnrin-Yes; poor Itanler has
gone rrasy as a loon. Tint pan ue nan
to play was too much for him.
llusklu-Wlmt was bo playing. Jrkyll
and Hyde?
llaruestorm-No; "Moult I'rlsto," at
iVi per week and six weeks' salary due.
On Point at It flersnr.
"What's the mailer with you?" asked
the sympathetic friend; "an attack of
grip?"
"No, this Isn't grip, I haven I tlui to
stay at home and send for a doctor.
This la simply a bud cold."- ashing
ton Post.
Too Kail,
Mrs. Mnnn-That young Mr. Guilders
Is dead. It was awfully sudden. Isn I
It too bail?
Mr. Maun -And he was gating aloug
to famously at colurluj hit aievr.
scbaum. Transcript.
Uatting at Hia Finance.
Owner Here!
In my safe?
What r you doing
Flr-I Ita-m hi.
"What animal Is It that Is web fooled,
Tomnile?"
"The spider, tim'am." Yonker
Statesman.
Their Wrdlct.
Judge tlciillcuivu of the Jury, what
Is your verdict?
Irish Foreman-We folnd that tl;
inou who slide the horse Is not gilll'y.
A lire I fnl -late of An Ira,
He Well, we can't belli ; more than
half we bear,
She Oh, worse than that; I can't be
lieve more tliuu half I say,-Life,
Pa tins Mlstil with, On Humor,
"Was the amateur piny a drain or A
fa roc Y
"Welt, It was billed as a drama, but It
was a farce before, t lie)' got through,"--Philadelphia
llullctln,
Cnnanlrunns Hrsverr.
Friend - Ntoi inliigton Is a heroic actor.
Isn't he?
Coini'illim-Von bet he Is! Why, on
several occasions I've seen bim keep
right on tiding till he was tl i oil upon!"
-Puck.
An Inconsistent Mar.
iioallng -Oh, well, nil horse dealers
are more or less tricky,
Gosling-Yes, but this one was thu
most liolil-fiiced llnr I ever suw. First,
he told me the horse was perfectly
sound, and lu the very next breath he
admitted It was well broken. Philadel
phia Press.
Moth.
Dr. Euilc-Thrre's nothing serious the
matter with Palsy, Mrs, Mulcaliy. 1
think a little soap and water will do
him as much good as anything,
Mrs. Mulcaliy Yls, tlocthur; an' will
OI give It t' him befoor or nftlier lilt
males ? Leslie's Weekly.
A Hyinpathetlo Memory.
In a western Massachusetts town
lived a young woman who la blessed
with both discrimination and tact
Tbe first of .these admirable quali
ties she has displayed by her two mar
riage. Her first husband was a min
ister a most delightful man; be died,
and after a lapse of five or six year
sho wus united to bis only brother, who
wns a successful lawyer In New York.
On her library desk stands a plcturo
of the first partner of her Joys and sor
rows, and one dny a curious culler nak
ed whom the photograph represented.
"Tlmt," sal (I the hostess, with evi
dent emotion, "I n picture of my hus
band's brother, who died eight years
ago, and who wob very dear to ua
both!"
A IMg Sponge.
The largest sponge ever setit to mar
ket wus from the Mediterranean, It
wns teu feet In circumference and
three In diameter.
The First Hule,
New Boarder Can 1 get my meal
on time?
LHtidludy-Npi you will have to pa
In odvuuce,-IIarlem Life. 1