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About The Sunday Oregonian. (Portland, Ore.) 1881-current | View Entire Issue (May 21, 1916)
TTTE. SUNDAY OTCEGONTAST, POTITLATTO, MAT 21, IMG. A RUSSIAN REVOLUTIONIST IS ONE THING AND AN IRISH BY MONTAGUE GLASS Zapp and Birsky (Copyright, 1916 The Tribune Ass'n. T THINK." said Louis Birsky, I the real estater, as he looked JL over the bill of fare in Wasser- bauer's Restaurant and Cafe, I think I would have some paprika chicken mil Knocked and a cup cof- f, ee. "Well, why not?" Barnett Zapp, the waist manufacturer, replied. "Ne gro, the Roman Emperor, played the fiddle while Rome was burning." "I don't know what you are talking about at all," Birsky said. ' "That's all right." Zapp said; "I don't blame you, Birsky. I just fin ished a big plateful of gedampfie Kalb. fleisch myself, and if the waiter would of had any manliness about him he would of said: 'Listen, how can you sit there and eat that stuff when right today, things is going on in Europe that in hundreds of years from now children wouldn't be promoted in echool if they wouldn't know the date they happened.' Yes, Birsky, in two hundred years from now poets will be getting a big reputation from writing poems about them things; artists will be painting pictures of 'em and people will cry when they see them pictures, and if some one looks up what you and me was doing at the time the originals of them pictures was actually taking place, Birsky, they would find that you was eating paprika chicken nut Knock' erl and I just got through with some gedampfie Klabfleisch and was think ing seriously of ordering a cup coffee and a slice of German cheesecake." "Well, what do you want me to do?" Birsky said. "Go on a diet be cause they are fighting in Europe? When we was running off the Spanish war. Zapp.the Leute in Europe oser felt bad enough over it to go without o much as one caraway seed in their rye bread." "Aber what was the Spanish war. Birsky?? Zapp protested. "A skir mish, that's all." "Never mind," Birsky said. "The Spanish 'war was pretty good for its day." "Sure, I know," Zapp said, "for its day, Birsky, but you take the Span ish war today, Birsky, and they would print it in the newspapers under the head of 'Amusement Noles. " "That's what I am driving at," Birsky said. "Things like the Irish revolution and the Spanish War has got too much competition nowadays. Take all them poor people, ' nebich, which lost their lives in the IroquoU fire, the Titanic, the Grand ' Republic 111 lit vGS I llii s.s.ipnM' ' rP REVOLUTIONIST IS SOMETHING Discuss Recent World Events Over Paprika Chicken Mit Knocker) The Spanish War Today Would Be Printed Under "A.misement Notes" and the Eastland, Zapp, and if the same number of French and Germans is wiped out in front of Verdun be tween 9 and 12 in the evening, y'un derstand. the next morning the German War Office sends out a statement that to the east of the Meuse and in the Woevre things' have been compara tively quiet. That's the reason why the Irish revolution was taken off so quick. It was like a fairly good show which is put on while there are too many attractions in town, Zapp. , No- -A. FELLER MUST ALWAYS PAT FOR body reads- the notices, and the conse quences is it closes Saturday night." "Well, of course, if you can talk like, that about the Irish revolution, Birsky," Zapp commented. "you wouldn't of considered it out of the way.if, instead of fiddling when Rome was burning, the Emperor Negro would of conducted one of them Eu rope's orchestras with a drummer ring ing cow bells and blowing a steamboat whistle. To my mind, Birsky, of all the tzuris that happened in this war, the Irish revolution is the worst." ."Listen, Zapp," Birsky said, "I am going now on every kind of theayter for years already English, Yiddish and vaudeville and one thing I learned is, Zapp, that if there is any-hing more tragical than a comedy which ain't funny, y'understand, it's a tragedy that the audience couldn't help laughing at. ' . And you couldn't blame them people for laughing at it, Zapp. any more than you could blame me fcr eating paprika chicken mil Knockerl while them poor Irish is getting killed by the thousands, because what would happen me if I did otherwise, Zapp? Let us say, for ex ample, that I would go out now intj the streets and sit in the gutter and beat my chest, and a policeman an Irish policeman at that comes along and asks what is the matter with me, Zapp, and I tell him I am carrying on SHOWING II IS FEELINGS. that way because the revolution gets put down in Ireland. The chances is he would take me before a magistrate and an Irish magistrate at that and the first thing you know my rela tions is paying hundreds of dollars to a lawyer he should get me out of the asylum with a mandamus or an aveous corpus, whichever the lawyer thinks he could charge the most for. Am i right or wrong?" "You are right about the policeman and the magistrate, Birsky," Zapp said, "but you're wrong about your rela tions. As a general thing, Birsky. it don't make no difference to a feller's relations whether a magistrate sends you to jail or an asylum, y'understand, it only confirms what they've been thinking about you for years already." "Might your relations would act that way, Zapp," Birsky said, severely, "but my relations would figure that blood is redder than water, and from a feller in jail or an asylum they couldn't get no accommodation notes or stick him with a post-dated check. And, anyhow, Zapp, so far as my re lations is concerned, I give them suck ers leave to let me sit in an asylum the -rest of my days if I would make such an exhibition of myself in the public streets." . J'-f ". v y ' "Well, you couldn't expect no bet ter, Birsky," Zapp said.. vand them poor Irishmen, nebich, . couldn't expect . no better, neither, because you could be so sorry for Ireland that you could cry tears in the streets .for her, y'under stand, and you could be so anxious to see Ireland independent of England that you could shoot off guns in , the , streets for her, understand me, and just o long as you only-TALK about do ing it and WRITE about doing it you would be O. K. For instance, you take these here Irishmen and they says months ago already: 'England's tzuris is Ireland's simaha,' and when Mr. Asquith reports it the English gov ernment only smiles and says they should tell their troubles to Birrell and that Asquith should piease ask Kitch ener has the expressman delivered them 1 ,689,352 khaki uniforms yet. A lit tle later these here Irishmen goes to work and incorporates under the style of Sinn, Fein & Co.; Max J. Sinn, president; Louis Fein, vice-president and treasurer, and even with them Ger man names ' for officers the English government says what is the difference ; if they want to, let 'em organize under the name of the Dubliner Aufruhrer Lchet Ceselhchaflsvcrein, and by print ing only one proclamation in a union shop they would exhaust their funds for composition alone. Then they turned around and got up ON PA PER the Irish Republic, and the Eng-' lish government figures that the Henry George Junior Republic was ALSO a republic, and let it go at that, and so you see, Birsky.' as long as them poor' fellers revolution was on paper, Birsky, or j'ust a matter of talk, y'un derstand. the worst that could of hap pened to 'cm was writer's cramp odcr laryngitis, which is two diseases you couldn't die of. no matter if you hird a specialist to treat you at a hundred dollars a visit. But them poor revo lutionists felt so strong abou Ireland, Birsky, that ' they had to give vent to it" "Well, their feelings done "em credit," Birsky said. "Sure, I know." Zapp agreed, "but feelings which are a credit to a -man. Birsky. remains a credit to him only s- long as he keeps 'em to himself, and after that they become a debit, Birsky. A feller must always pay for showing his feelings, Birsky. If he chows "em by making for somebody a blue ey;, he's got to pay a fine to a magistrate, and if he shows em by joining in a revolution, he's got to pay with his life to the government he is rebelling against, and you could no more blame the magistrate for collecting the fine as you could blame the English govern ment for collecting the feller's life, which; if you- claim otherwise, Birsky, you are acting like a poor sport." "I don't claim nothing about the Irish revolution because I don't know nothing about it," Birsky said, "but I was bora and raised in Russland. Zapp, and if a feller is a revolutionist, nebich. he has got my best wishes up to and including the, funeral." Welirrrjl. teU' Jyou." Zapp ex plained, "a Russian revolutionist is one thing and an Irish revolutionist is some thing else again. What a Russian rev olutionist wants is that he should be able to live in Russia under govern ment conditions a quarter as good as they are in Ireland, but as he couldn't expect miracles exactly he would be satisfied if he could get one-tenth the liberty the Irishman has got." "Then what is the Irishman a rev olutionist for?" Birsky asked. "He is a revolutionist for old times sake," Zapp continued. "A hundred and twenty years ago English soldiers killed and Worse than JfciZeJ his rela tions by the thousands; seventy-five years ago the English government al lowed his poor Crossmutter olav hash olom to starve, and down to twenty yeais ago English landlords gave him a dispossess for not paying rent on property which wasn't worth no rent at all till he grew potatoes and raised pigs and cows on it, which while it is true, Birsky, that them things is now vorbei for years already, hard feelings ain't like promissory notes. You couldn't bar them by a statute- of limitations, and if you murder a man's great grand father, starve his grandmother and taxe away his roof from over the man's own head, you ain't going to make him love you exactly if you say to him: Wu, let bygones be bygones. And so for Lahochlos only, Birsky, the Irishman is making a revolution." "I think you are fooling yourself, Zapp." Birsky said. "I think you would find that England has got things fixed that an Irishman must got to live in a pale of Irish settlement and couldn't own no real estate, the same like our people in - Russland, and also an Irishman couldn't use the Irish lan ' i i ELSE guage the same like the Poles couldn't use no Polish in their business with Russians." "Oser a Stuck!" Zapp declared. "An Irishman could live where he wants to, vote, cwn real estate and act in Ireland the same like he acts in the United States, and as for the Irish lan guage, Birsky, the average Irishman knows just so much about it as you do about Loschen Hakodesh, Birsky.". "To my sorrow, Zapp, I never had the time to learn it," Birsky said. "Well, if ever you do have the "Let Bjsonea lie il)KO"." time," Zapp retorted, "leam instead to play as good as Paderewski on the piano, Birsky. It's a whole lot easier, Birsky, and you'll get more enjoyment out of it, which you could take it from me, Birsky, if the English government insisted that every Irishman must got to learn Irish, y'understand, then with reason there would be an Irish revolu tion, and the Kaiser wouldn't got to finance it neither." "Did the Kaiser finance the Irish revolution?" Birsky asked. "A question!" Zapp exclaimed. "Didn't the revolution fail ? Honestly, Birsky, I could find it in my heart to pity that feller the way he keeps throw ing good money after bad. Millions of dollars that poor nebich has ad vanced people for pulling off explosions ot canals and bridges, y'understand. and every time the only thing which has blown up was the plans." "Seemingly his money is. tainted," Birsky said. "Tainted ain't no word for it," Zapp declared. "The best a feller could expect that finances a scheme through the Kaiser is an undeterminate sentence, Birsky. He is particularly schlemazeldich in the revolutions he's been backing. With the accommoda ill dp?-: v. tr at. Mmo- ILLUSTRATION'S BY BRIGGS If It Happened tion paper he made and indorsed for the South African revolution he could of floated a chain of department stores, any one of which would make Marshall Field and B. Altman look like new beginners already, and for all the good it done down in South Africa, Birsky. he might just so well of in vested the money in Anglo-French 5s. Egypt and India was the same way, Birsky, and now that the Irish revolu tion went mechullah on Jiim for several million dollars" money loaned, Birsky. if he figures on financing any more revolutions against England, y'under stand. he would do a whole lot better by advising the revolutionist president to take out life insurance and put up the policies with the Reichbank as se curity for a loan. The way revolutions has been going recently, Birsky, the Reichbank would realize on the policies within five days after the revolutiou starts, and it would keep the Kaiser's name out of the affair." "Aber how do you know the Ger mans was behind the Irish revolution?" Birsky insisted. - 'In the first place, everybody says so," Zapp explained, "and in the sec ond place, it sounds awful German to me. Everything was figured out in ad vance, Birsky, in the regular German way. They had coins coined, postage stamps printed, a president,- a vice president, a cabinet, and, in fact, it was the last" word in what a republic should ought to be. according to the opinion of Professor von Spinngewebe, of the department of history of the Uni versity of Berlin. No pains was spared in working out the details, Birsky, and nothing was overlooked absolutely nothing, except a couple million Eng lish troops about six hours away in Eng land and several warships of the Eng lish navy. Yes. Birsky. the whole thing seems like the gen-wine brand of German efficiency the same as Ver dun and the battle of the Marne. It reminds you of one of them surgical operations by a $2000 professor, where he diagnoses the cast successfully, opens the patient successfully, removes most everything he sees successfully, closes the patient successfully and brings him out of the ether successfully, and the patient gets along splendidly up to two or three days before his funeral." "But by your own showing., the Germans did succeed in bringing about the Irish revolution, Zapp," Birsky said. "Yes," Zapp commented. "The op eration was successful. Birsky. but the patient died." HoIy languge i. e. Hebrew. Spite. hatred. c 1 - " fl -VMvkA Lin K I S-tJ I . i ''77 i-er-- tirr-.i 1 i - rift rnrr -xt, -t At vff t I
