TTTE. SUNDAY OTCEGONTAST, POTITLATTO, MAT 21, IMG.
A RUSSIAN REVOLUTIONIST IS ONE THING AND AN IRISH
BY MONTAGUE GLASS
Zapp and Birsky
(Copyright, 1916 The Tribune Ass'n.
T THINK." said Louis Birsky,
I the real estater, as he looked
JL
over the bill of fare in Wasser-
bauer's Restaurant and Cafe, I
think I would have some paprika
chicken mil Knocked and a cup cof-
f,
ee.
"Well, why not?" Barnett Zapp,
the waist manufacturer, replied. "Ne
gro, the Roman Emperor, played the
fiddle while Rome was burning."
"I don't know what you are talking
about at all," Birsky said. '
"That's all right." Zapp said; "I
don't blame you, Birsky. I just fin
ished a big plateful of gedampfie Kalb.
fleisch myself, and if the waiter would
of had any manliness about him he
would of said: 'Listen, how can you
sit there and eat that stuff when right
today, things is going on in Europe
that in hundreds of years from now
children wouldn't be promoted in
echool if they wouldn't know the date
they happened.' Yes, Birsky, in two
hundred years from now poets will be
getting a big reputation from writing
poems about them things; artists will
be painting pictures of 'em and people
will cry when they see them pictures,
and if some one looks up what you and
me was doing at the time the originals
of them pictures was actually taking
place, Birsky, they would find that you
was eating paprika chicken nut Knock'
erl and I just got through with some
gedampfie Klabfleisch and was think
ing seriously of ordering a cup coffee
and a slice of German cheesecake."
"Well, what do you want me to
do?" Birsky said. "Go on a diet be
cause they are fighting in Europe?
When we was running off the Spanish
war. Zapp.the Leute in Europe oser
felt bad enough over it to go without
o much as one caraway seed in their
rye bread."
"Aber what was the Spanish war.
Birsky?? Zapp protested. "A skir
mish, that's all."
"Never mind," Birsky said. "The
Spanish 'war was pretty good for its
day."
"Sure, I know," Zapp said, "for
its day, Birsky, but you take the Span
ish war today, Birsky, and they would
print it in the newspapers under the
head of 'Amusement Noles. "
"That's what I am driving at,"
Birsky said. "Things like the Irish
revolution and the Spanish War has
got too much competition nowadays.
Take all them poor people, ' nebich,
which lost their lives in the IroquoU
fire, the Titanic, the Grand ' Republic
111
lit vGS I llii s.s.ipnM' ' rP
REVOLUTIONIST IS SOMETHING
Discuss Recent World Events Over Paprika Chicken Mit Knocker) The Spanish War
Today Would Be Printed Under "A.misement Notes"
and the Eastland, Zapp, and if the
same number of French and Germans
is wiped out in front of Verdun be
tween 9 and 12 in the evening, y'un
derstand. the next morning the German
War Office sends out a statement that
to the east of the Meuse and in the
Woevre things' have been compara
tively quiet. That's the reason why
the Irish revolution was taken off so
quick. It was like a fairly good show
which is put on while there are too
many attractions in town, Zapp. , No-
-A. FELLER MUST ALWAYS PAT FOR
body reads- the notices, and the conse
quences is it closes Saturday night."
"Well, of course, if you can talk
like, that about the Irish revolution,
Birsky," Zapp commented. "you
wouldn't of considered it out of the
way.if, instead of fiddling when Rome
was burning, the Emperor Negro
would of conducted one of them Eu
rope's orchestras with a drummer ring
ing cow bells and blowing a steamboat
whistle. To my mind, Birsky, of all
the tzuris that happened in this war, the
Irish revolution is the worst."
."Listen, Zapp," Birsky said, "I am
going now on every kind of theayter for
years already English, Yiddish and
vaudeville and one thing I learned is,
Zapp, that if there is any-hing more
tragical than a comedy which ain't
funny, y'understand, it's a tragedy that
the audience couldn't help laughing at.
' .
And you couldn't blame them people
for laughing at it, Zapp. any more than
you could blame me fcr eating paprika
chicken mil Knockerl while them poor
Irish is getting killed by the thousands,
because what would happen me if I did
otherwise, Zapp? Let us say, for ex
ample, that I would go out now intj
the streets and sit in the gutter and
beat my chest, and a policeman an
Irish policeman at that comes along
and asks what is the matter with me,
Zapp, and I tell him I am carrying on
SHOWING II IS FEELINGS.
that way because the revolution gets
put down in Ireland. The chances is
he would take me before a magistrate
and an Irish magistrate at that
and the first thing you know my rela
tions is paying hundreds of dollars to
a lawyer he should get me out of the
asylum with a mandamus or an aveous
corpus, whichever the lawyer thinks he
could charge the most for. Am i right
or wrong?"
"You are right about the policeman
and the magistrate, Birsky," Zapp said,
"but you're wrong about your rela
tions. As a general thing, Birsky. it
don't make no difference to a feller's
relations whether a magistrate sends
you to jail or an asylum, y'understand,
it only confirms what they've been
thinking about you for years already."
"Might your relations would act that
way, Zapp," Birsky said, severely,
"but my relations would figure that
blood is redder than water, and from
a feller in jail or an asylum they
couldn't get no accommodation notes
or stick him with a post-dated check.
And, anyhow, Zapp, so far as my re
lations is concerned, I give them suck
ers leave to let me sit in an asylum the -rest
of my days if I would make such
an exhibition of myself in the public
streets." . J'-f ". v y '
"Well, you couldn't expect no bet
ter, Birsky," Zapp said.. vand them
poor Irishmen, nebich, . couldn't expect .
no better, neither, because you could
be so sorry for Ireland that you could
cry tears in the streets .for her, y'under
stand, and you could be so anxious to
see Ireland independent of England
that you could shoot off guns in , the ,
streets for her, understand me, and just
o long as you only-TALK about do
ing it and WRITE about doing it you
would be O. K. For instance, you
take these here Irishmen and they says
months ago already: 'England's
tzuris is Ireland's simaha,' and when
Mr. Asquith reports it the English gov
ernment only smiles and says they
should tell their troubles to Birrell and
that Asquith should piease ask Kitch
ener has the expressman delivered them
1 ,689,352 khaki uniforms yet. A lit
tle later these here Irishmen goes to
work and incorporates under the style
of Sinn, Fein & Co.; Max J. Sinn,
president; Louis Fein, vice-president
and treasurer, and even with them Ger
man names ' for officers the English
government says what is the difference ;
if they want to, let 'em organize under
the name of the Dubliner Aufruhrer
Lchet Ceselhchaflsvcrein, and by print
ing only one proclamation in a union
shop they would exhaust their funds
for composition alone. Then they
turned around and got up ON PA
PER the Irish Republic, and the Eng-'
lish government figures that the Henry
George Junior Republic was ALSO a
republic, and let it go at that, and so
you see, Birsky.' as long as them poor'
fellers revolution was on paper,
Birsky, or j'ust a matter of talk, y'un
derstand. the worst that could of hap
pened to 'cm was writer's cramp odcr
laryngitis, which is two diseases you
couldn't die of. no matter if you hird
a specialist to treat you at a hundred
dollars a visit. But them poor revo
lutionists felt so strong abou Ireland,
Birsky, that ' they had to give vent
to it"
"Well, their feelings done "em
credit," Birsky said.
"Sure, I know." Zapp agreed, "but
feelings which are a credit to a -man.
Birsky. remains a credit to him only
s- long as he keeps 'em to himself, and
after that they become a debit, Birsky.
A feller must always pay for showing
his feelings, Birsky. If he chows "em
by making for somebody a blue ey;,
he's got to pay a fine to a magistrate,
and if he shows em by joining in a
revolution, he's got to pay with his life
to the government he is rebelling
against, and you could no more blame
the magistrate for collecting the fine as
you could blame the English govern
ment for collecting the feller's life,
which; if you- claim otherwise, Birsky,
you are acting like a poor sport."
"I don't claim nothing about the
Irish revolution because I don't know
nothing about it," Birsky said, "but I
was bora and raised in Russland.
Zapp, and if a feller is a revolutionist,
nebich. he has got my best wishes up
to and including the, funeral."
Welirrrjl. teU' Jyou." Zapp ex
plained, "a Russian revolutionist is one
thing and an Irish revolutionist is some
thing else again. What a Russian rev
olutionist wants is that he should be
able to live in Russia under govern
ment conditions a quarter as good as
they are in Ireland, but as he couldn't
expect miracles exactly he would be
satisfied if he could get one-tenth the
liberty the Irishman has got."
"Then what is the Irishman a rev
olutionist for?" Birsky asked.
"He is a revolutionist for old times
sake," Zapp continued. "A hundred
and twenty years ago English soldiers
killed and Worse than JfciZeJ his rela
tions by the thousands; seventy-five
years ago the English government al
lowed his poor Crossmutter olav hash
olom to starve, and down to twenty
yeais ago English landlords gave him
a dispossess for not paying rent on
property which wasn't worth no rent at
all till he grew potatoes and raised pigs
and cows on it, which while it is true,
Birsky, that them things is now vorbei
for years already, hard feelings ain't
like promissory notes. You couldn't
bar them by a statute- of limitations,
and if you murder a man's great grand
father, starve his grandmother and taxe
away his roof from over the man's own
head, you ain't going to make him love
you exactly if you say to him: Wu,
let bygones be bygones. And so for
Lahochlos only, Birsky, the Irishman
is making a revolution."
"I think you are fooling yourself,
Zapp." Birsky said. "I think you
would find that England has got things
fixed that an Irishman must got to live
in a pale of Irish settlement and
couldn't own no real estate, the same
like our people in - Russland, and also
an Irishman couldn't use the Irish lan
' i i
ELSE
guage the same like the Poles couldn't
use no Polish in their business with
Russians."
"Oser a Stuck!" Zapp declared.
"An Irishman could live where he
wants to, vote, cwn real estate and act
in Ireland the same like he acts in the
United States, and as for the Irish lan
guage, Birsky, the average Irishman
knows just so much about it as you do
about Loschen Hakodesh, Birsky.".
"To my sorrow, Zapp, I never had
the time to learn it," Birsky said.
"Well, if ever you do have the
"Let Bjsonea lie il)KO"."
time," Zapp retorted, "leam instead to
play as good as Paderewski on the
piano, Birsky. It's a whole lot easier,
Birsky, and you'll get more enjoyment
out of it, which you could take it from
me, Birsky, if the English government
insisted that every Irishman must got
to learn Irish, y'understand, then with
reason there would be an Irish revolu
tion, and the Kaiser wouldn't got to
finance it neither."
"Did the Kaiser finance the Irish
revolution?" Birsky asked.
"A question!" Zapp exclaimed.
"Didn't the revolution fail ? Honestly,
Birsky, I could find it in my heart to
pity that feller the way he keeps throw
ing good money after bad. Millions
of dollars that poor nebich has ad
vanced people for pulling off explosions
ot canals and bridges, y'understand.
and every time the only thing which
has blown up was the plans."
"Seemingly his money is. tainted,"
Birsky said.
"Tainted ain't no word for it,"
Zapp declared. "The best a feller
could expect that finances a scheme
through the Kaiser is an undeterminate
sentence, Birsky. He is particularly
schlemazeldich in the revolutions he's
been backing. With the accommoda
ill
dp?-: v.
tr at. Mmo-
ILLUSTRATION'S BY BRIGGS
If It Happened
tion paper he made and indorsed for
the South African revolution he could
of floated a chain of department
stores, any one of which would make
Marshall Field and B. Altman look
like new beginners already, and for all
the good it done down in South Africa,
Birsky. he might just so well of in
vested the money in Anglo-French 5s.
Egypt and India was the same way,
Birsky, and now that the Irish revolu
tion went mechullah on Jiim for several
million dollars" money loaned, Birsky.
if he figures on financing any more
revolutions against England, y'under
stand. he would do a whole lot better
by advising the revolutionist president
to take out life insurance and put up
the policies with the Reichbank as se
curity for a loan. The way revolutions
has been going recently, Birsky, the
Reichbank would realize on the policies
within five days after the revolutiou
starts, and it would keep the Kaiser's
name out of the affair."
"Aber how do you know the Ger
mans was behind the Irish revolution?"
Birsky insisted. -
'In the first place, everybody says
so," Zapp explained, "and in the sec
ond place, it sounds awful German to
me. Everything was figured out in ad
vance, Birsky, in the regular German
way. They had coins coined, postage
stamps printed, a president,- a vice
president, a cabinet, and, in fact, it
was the last" word in what a republic
should ought to be. according to the
opinion of Professor von Spinngewebe,
of the department of history of the Uni
versity of Berlin. No pains was spared
in working out the details, Birsky, and
nothing was overlooked absolutely
nothing, except a couple million Eng
lish troops about six hours away in Eng
land and several warships of the Eng
lish navy. Yes. Birsky. the whole
thing seems like the gen-wine brand of
German efficiency the same as Ver
dun and the battle of the Marne. It
reminds you of one of them surgical
operations by a $2000 professor, where
he diagnoses the cast successfully,
opens the patient successfully, removes
most everything he sees successfully,
closes the patient successfully and
brings him out of the ether successfully,
and the patient gets along splendidly up
to two or three days before his
funeral."
"But by your own showing., the
Germans did succeed in bringing about
the Irish revolution, Zapp," Birsky
said.
"Yes," Zapp commented. "The op
eration was successful. Birsky. but the
patient died."
HoIy languge i. e. Hebrew.
Spite. hatred.
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