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About The Sunday Oregonian. (Portland, Ore.) 1881-current | View Entire Issue (Aug. 2, 1914)
3 THE SUNDAY OREGONIAST. PORTLAND, AUGUST 2, 1914. GEORGE ABE'S . The New Fable of the Marathon in the Mud and the Laurel Wreath (Copyright. 1914, fcy the McClure Newspaper Syndicate.) A STUB-NOSED Primary Pupil, rlch-ly endowed with old-gold Freckles, lived In a one-cylinder Town, far from the corroding: Influ ences of the Stock Exchange. He arrived during- the age of Board Bidewalks. Congress Gaiters, and Pie for Breakfast. The Paper Collar, unmindful of the approaching: Celluloid, was still affect ed by the more tony Dressers. Prison made Bow Ties, with the handy elastic Fastener, were then considered down right Netty. Limousines, Eugenics, Appendicitis, end the regulation of Combines were beyond the rise of the Hill, so the talk was mostly about the Weather and Married Women. The baptismal Moniker of the mot tled Offspring was Alexander Camp bell Purvis, but on account of his sun ny Disposition he was known to the Countryside as Aleck. One morning the Lad did his crawl from under the Quilt at an hour when our Best People of the new Century ere sending away the empty Siphons. He was acting on a Hunch. The far-famed Yankee Robinson Bhow. with the Trick Mule and the smiling Tumblers, had exhibited the day before on the vacant Lot between the Grlst-Mlll and the Parsonage. Aleck was familiar with the juvenile Tradition that Treasure could be dis covered at or near the trampled Spot on which the Ticket-Wagon had been anchored. It was known that the agitated Ya hoos from up In the Catfish, County were likely to fumble and spill their saved-up Currency, thereby avoiding the trouble of handing It over to the Grafters later on. Aleck was the first Prospector to Bhow. He got busy and uncovered a Silver Buck. It looked about the size of a -Ferris Wheel. While beating- it for the parental Roof, he began laying out in his Mind ell the Pleasures of the Flesh that he could command with the Mass of Lucre. The miscue he made was to flash his Fortune on the Family Circle.. After breakfast he found himself be ing steered to the Farmers & Mer chants' Bank. He wea pried away from the Cart Wheel and given a teeny little Book which showed that he was a Depositor. "Now, Alexander C," said his Ma. "If you will shin up the ladder and pick Cherries every day this week at two cents per Quart by nightfall of Saturday you will have another Case Note to put Into Cold Storage." "But, If I continue dropping the pro ceeds of my Labor Into the Reservoir, what is there In It for me?" asked the Inquisitive Chick. His mother replied, "Why. you will have the Gratification of moving up to the Window at the Bank and earning a Smile of Approbation from old Mr. Flshberry with the Throat Whiskers." So the aspiring Manikin clung to the perilous Tree-Tops day after day, drop ping the ruby Cherries into the sus pended Bucket, while all the Relatives stood on the ground and applauded. One day there was a conference, and It was discovered that little Aleck was solvent to the extent of 12.80. Would It not be Rayzorious?" queried the Sire of Alexander; "would it not be Ipskalene if Aleck kept on and on until he had assembled five whole Dollars?" Thus spurred to Endeavor by a large and rooting Gallery, the Urchin went prowling for Old Iron, which he trun dled off to the Junkman. Also for empty Bottles, which he la boriously scoured and delivered at the who told him to keep on scrouging and some day he would own a share in the Building & Loan. Our Hero fooled away his time In School until he was all of eleven years old, when he became associated with one Blodgett In the Grocery Business, at a weekly Insult of Two Bones. All the time Aleck was cleaning the Coal-Oil Lamps or watching- the New Orleans Syrup trickle into the Jug, he was figuring on how much of the Stl- Needless to Say, the Battling: Financier Was Welcome to the Director's Table. Drug Store for a mere dribble of Chicken Feed. The sheet of Copper brought a tidy Sum, while old Mrs. Arbuckle won dered what had become of her Wash Boiler. With a V to his credit. Aleck put a Padlock on every Pocket in his Store Suit and went Money-Mad. He acquired a Runt and swilled It with solicitude until tha Butcher made him an offer. It was a proud moment when he eased in the $7.60 to T. W. Fishberry, pend he could segregate and isolate and set aside for the venerable Mr. Fishberry, the Taker-In at the Bank, with the Chinchilla on the Larynx. For ten long years the White Slave tested Eggs and scooped the C Sugar. When Aleck became of Age, Mr. Blodgett was compelling him to take 330 the first of every Month. He lived on Snowballs in the Winter and Dandelions in the Summer, but he had paid $800 on a two-story Brick fac ing Railroad Street. His Name was a byword and Hissing among the Pool-Players. Nevertheless, he stood Ace High with old Two-per-cent-a-Month up at the Abattoir known as the Farmers & Merchants' Bank. The Boys who dropped in every thirty Days came to know him as a Wise Fish and a Close Buyer. They boosted at Headquarters so the first thing you know Aleck was a Drummer, with two Grips bigger than Dog-Houses and a chance to swing on the Expense Account. A lowly and unsung Wanamaker would be sitting in his Prunery, wear ing Yarn Wristlets to keep warm and meditating another Attack on the Bot tle of Stomach Bitters In the Safe, when Aleck would breeze in and light on him and sell htm several Gross of something he didn't need. The Traveling Salesman dug up many a Cross-Roads overlooked by the Map-Makers. He knew how to pin a Rube against the Wall and make him say "Yes." He rode in cabooses, fought the Roller-Towels, endured the Taunts of Ess, Bess and Tess, who shot the Soda Biscuit, and reclined in the Chamber of Horrors, entirely surrounded by Wail-Paper, but what cared he? He was salting the Spon. He was closing In on the Needful. For a term of years he lived on Time Tables and slept sitting up. Day after day he dog-trotted through a feverish Routine of unpacking and packing, and then climbing back to the superheated Day Coach among the curdled Smells. Every January 1st he did a Gaspard Chuckle when he checked up the total Swag, for now he owned two Brick Buildings and had tasted a little Blood in the way of Chattel Mortgages. One of the partners in the Jobbing Concern happened to die. Before Rigor Mortis could set in or the Un dertaker had time to pull a Tape Meas ure Aleck was up at the grief-stricken Home to cop out an Option on the In terest. Now he could give the Cackle to all the Knights of the Road who had blown their Substance along the gay White Ways of Crawf ordsville, Bucy rus and Sedalla. He was the real Gazook with a Glass Cage, a sliding Desk and a whole Bat tery of Rubber Stamps. In order to learn every Kink of the Game, freeze out the other Holders of Stock and gradually possess himself of all the Money in the World, Aleck now found it necessary to organize himself into both a Day and a Night Shift and have his Lunches -brought In. The various Smoothenhcimers who were out on the Road had a proud c-hance to get by with the padded Ex pense Account Aleck could smell a Phoney before he opened the Envelope, because that is how he got His. With a three-ton Burden oi his ach ing Shoulders he staggered up the flinty Incline. Away back yonder, while sleeping above the Store, a Vision had come to him. He saw himself sitting as a Di rector at a Bank Meeting an enlarged and glorified Fishberry. Now he was playing Fox and pulling for the Dream to work out The cold-eyed Custodians up at the main Citadel of Credit began to take notice of the Rustler. He was a Glutton for Punishment," a Discounter from. away back and a De mon for applying the Acid Test to every Account. He was a Sure-Thinger. airtight and playing naught but Cinches. No wonder they all took a slant at him and spotted him as a Comer. The Business Associates of Alexander liked to see Europe from the inside every Summer and Investigate the Cocktail Crop of Florida very Winter, so they allowed him to be the Works. He began building the Skids which finally carried them to the Fresh Air and left only one name on the Gold Sign. Up to his Chin in Debt and with a Panic flickering on the Horlson, it be hooved Alexander to be on the Job at 7:30 A. M. and hang around to scan the Pay-Roll until 9:30 P. M. Ofttimes, while galloping from his Apartment to the Galleys or chasing homeward to grab off a few wasteful hours of Slumber, he would see People of the Lower Classes going out to the way would overhear a scrap or two of the Raving and think he was Balmy. The answer is that every hard-working Business Guy acts as If he had Screech-Owls in the Tower. Aleck had his whole Staff so buf faloed that the Hirelings tried to keep up with him, so that Life In the Bee hive was Just one thing after another, with no Intermission. With a thousand important Details claiming his attention, Aleck had no time to monkey with side Issues such as the general State of bis Health or the multifarious plans for uplifting the Flat'Heads that he could see from his window. Those who recommended Golf to him seemed to forget that no one ever laid by anything while on the Links. As for the Plain People, his only the fact that some of the rival Pro curers were getting more then he could show. It was an unjust World. Brush ing eway the selty Tears, he would leep seven feet Into the Air end spear passing Doller. By the time he had the Million neces ssry for the support of e sultebls and well-recomniended ,Ledy. he was too busy to go chasing end too foxy to spilt his Pllo with e rank Outsider. His Motor-Car squawked at the Spar row Cops when they weved their Arms. The engineer who pulled the Privet Car always had his Orders to hit It up. Sometimes the Privets Secretary would drop out from Exhaustion, but the Human Dynamo never slowed up. He reposed at Night with a Ticker on his Bosom and a Receiver at his ear. When he finally flew the Track and blew out all hla Cylinders, they had to uao e Net to get him under Control so that he could be carted ewey to the Hospital. Then the Trained Nurse had to prac tice all the Trick Holds known to Frank Ootch to keep him from arising to resume the grim Battle against his Enemies on the Board. He fluttered long before calming down, but Anally they got him all spread out and as nice a Patient as on could wish to see. When he wes too week to start any thing. Doc sst down and cheered him along by telling what Precautions should have been taken along sbout 1880. "Alexander. I have some Nsws for you." said the Prsctltloner. holding In his Grief so well that no one could notice It "You are going ewey from here. Owing to the totel ebsenca of many Organs commonly regarded as es sential. It will be Impossible for you ts go back to the Desk and duplicate any of your notable Stunts. No doubt we shall be able to engage Six Men of Presentable Appearance to act as Pell Bearers. It Is our purpose to proceed to the Cemetery by Automobile so as not to Impede Traffic on any of the Sur face Lines In which you are so heavily interested. I congratulate you on get ting so far slong before being tripped up, and I am wondering If you have a Final Hequest to make." "Just one," replied the Greet Men. "I'd like to have you or somebody else tell me what it's all been about" The only remaining Fact to be chronicled is that the orlglnsl Dollar, picked up on the Circus Lot wee found umong the Effects. A Nephew, whom Alexender Cemp bell Purvis never hsd seen, took the Dollar and with It purchased two Packs of Egyptian ClgarooU, Regal Site, with Gold Tips. Morsl: A Pinch of Chang, carefully put by. always comes In handy. The Urchin Went Prowling for Old Iron, Which He Trundles to the Junkman. Parks with Picnic Baskets, or lined up at the Vaudeville Palaces, or watching a hard-faced Soubrette demonstrate something: in a Show Window. It got him to think Folks could frivol around and waste the golden Moments when they might be hopping on a Ten-Cent Piece. His usual Gait was that of a man go ing for the Doctor, and he talked Num bers to himself as he sped along, and mumbled over the important Letters he was about to dictate. Those who were pushed out of his Conviction when ho surveyed them In the Mass was that every Man-Jack was holding back Money that rightfully be longed to him (Alexander). Needless to say, the battling Finan cier was made welcome at the Direc tors' Table and handed a piece of a Trust Company and became an honored Guest when any Melon was to be sliced. All that he dreamt while sleeping In the cold room over the Store had even tuated for fair. The more Irons In the Fire, the more flip-flops he turned. He never paused, except to weep over scffka;f.ttk was ohunk. An elderly woman named Harriet Bennett was charged at Old Street with obstructing the police during the dis turbance In Victoria Park, when Ills Sylvia Pankhurst was arrested. Clarke Hall, the magistrate said ha had gTeat sympathy with th woman's cause, but it seemed to him that the use of violence was doing a great In Jury to the cause. Five convictions for drunkenness were proved sgalnst tho woman, end the magistrate remarked thst hs was afraid she was not much credit to th suffragist cause. "It Is the suffragettes who are mak ing a woman of m." rtortd Bannett Sh was bound over. London Globe M ya is ill ! r TFIEMP1LE 0 0 S t -i f I - lijllftleflT hi I i Urffl Hi fir m v jSJ Wham iVW . . 't A Letter From Home While Mother Works Otrt Saved From a Knockout