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About The Sunday Oregonian. (Portland, Ore.) 1881-current | View Entire Issue (Nov. 22, 1908)
TTTK SUNDAY OREGONIAN. PORTLAND, NOVEMBER 1908. . " ' . - . N, Fffln T1N1R Afp)R AR A Id)M('l (Y THERE strode through the lobby of the St. Reckless, a strange spec tacle. The foundation for the appa rition Traa a slender young- man. ap parently Just escaped from a 'varsity tailor that had been drinking- to ex cess. Superimposed upon this was a green plush, hat with a brim that rolled likT the ocean wave and a cock's feather, similar to the kind for merly worn by comic opera bandits be fore the- audlcners began to rebel. Over on arm trailed an overcoat revealing- a lining- with a pattern that van a ctoss between the hunting plaid of the Ioiiglas rlan and the markings on a tennis rourt. The troupers were of a 'singular skimpy pattern, being apparently designed with a view to bringing out the irregularities of the knee Joints, and they were turned up quite a distnnr-e from the bottom. ' thereby causing- a well-nigh criminal exposure of low-cut shoes, latched with harness buckles, and striped hose of a -poisonous appearance. The. coat was a medley of bias p x-kets. fretted lape Is. cuffs that had been seemingly worked out w.n a ae.-ollsaw and rows of but tors thnt stunted tip the sleeves and d"wn the front. KinlFhlng touches were afforded by on Inflammatory stock col lar, a pair of yellow gloves with ridges down their barks like the nine-banded armadillo and a sweater vest In which green 'wool fought purple worsted all over the bosom, with a double row of largo pearl buttons act ing as referee. - "Very kutush," murmured the Hotel Clerk as he watched the glorified youth swing by. 'Ijnnk quick, Larry, and "see If there's a bracelet. watch strapped on his left wrist. If there Is. the picture's complete, only there ought to be n law against that kind of a pic ture." "Don't be loo hard on the kid," said the House Detective. "He's probably color blind and don't know no better. .He looks pretty callow, anyway." "Quite so." assented the Hotel Clerk. "At least sixteen callow-power. I should say. and maybe thirty-two. Any time that lad s Intellect should totter on Its throne. I bet It would be but a tiny tot. I don't blame him. But there's a lot of men old enough and fat enough to know better that's been guilty of dressing up like a Chinese Kev Tear this Kail they're the ones I'm bitter against" "Ain't a party got a right to dress the way he wants to, so long as he don't scare no horses nor throw young teethln" children Into convulsions?" asked the House retcctive. "Not a moral right, Larry," said the Hotel Clerk. "Legally, yes: -morally, no. When a grown man begins to ap parel himself in such a manner as to make people think he's Just been hatched out of a pink Easter egg. he's striking a deliberate blow at the foun dation of hi3 own liberties. He may rot know it. poor misguided creature that he Is. in his sassy directolre coat and his Lome Kahn's flowered even ing waistcoat and his Chippendale pants, but that's what he's doing. It's on the strength of the clothes prop- . ositlon that we -ontlnue to keep the ostensibly weaker sex In partial sub Ai; ark now nearing the datV of our annual National Thanksgiving. Th- I'ivtdent has Issued his proc lamation setting aside Novemlicr M as a day of prayer and thanksgiving for bless ings of t:ie past ear. the wild-eyed tur key gobbler scents the approach of im pending doom and sneaks off through the underbrush to escape the eye of the blood thirsty farmer with a broa.lax up his sleeve, nd already the amateur carver Is beginning t. study up the puzzling an atomical arrangement of tre turkey fam ily and practicing short-arm hooks and sabr slashes ith the carving-knife. , it seems strange, but nevertheless true, that there has never yet beeri"published a reliable handbook on the anatomy of the tur'tey gobbler. Society Is sadly lacking in a knowledge, of the Inner workings and ball-bearing Joints and sliding piston rods of the adult turkey .In a deceased and well-browned state. In all my large circle of acquaintances. I cannot recall a single man who is sufficiently familiar with turkey anatomy to enable him to ll- a carving-knife on Thanksgiving day or Christmas and tied the exact place -I " : I I I ,r tn matph ft sample OI eiepilttiiif - x " " r " . where the leg Is hitched onto the main bulwarks of the animal, without filling the air with stuffing and half-smothered profanity and drowning the guests In gravy. This state of ignorance that prevails In society renders our holidays to be dread ed by the man who is compelled by cus tom to stand up In company and make a public display of his ignorance and be spattered cripples of his family and friends, as well s by the ones who risk their lives by sitting around the festive board to watch him In the hope that there will be enough turkey left aftef the wrestling match to satisfy their Inner cravings. I often wonder why the direc tors of our educational system do not supplant the "study of human anatomy In our public schools with the study of tur key anatomy, as It so seldom occurs that a student has occasion to cut up a human being, while he may frequently be called upon to carve a turkey. This ignorance in regard to tha Inner workings of the turkey gobbler causes a great many people, to harbor feelings for eign to the true spirit of the occasion on Thanksgiving day. It requires a vast amount tut chr'si g J orranca to keep your mind concentrated on the blessings of life when the friend who has invited you to dinner on Thanksgiving linds that the hip Joint of the deceased gobbler is located in a different place than where he thought it was, and during his frantic efforts to locate It the turkey skids off the platter Into j our wife's face and the carving-knife is buried in your bosom. However, it Isn't with malice afore thought that tho amateur carver accom plishes this feat The situation is just as embarrassing to him as it is to the eom panv of gueEts who are taking a gravy shower bath and dodging the stuffing. The man who has ever attempted to carve a' turkey in the presence of others knows how It taxes his self-control and stretches the limitations of the profane language. It l-'n't every man who can maintain his presence of mind and self-control suffi ciently to pick the bird out of the lap of one of his guests and make a fresh start, and it Is apt to embarass some men when they have to get the step-ladder and take the wing and the wishbone down from the chandelier In the presence or company. The safest plan is to excuse yourself .... .. .i, ,e nretext or i irom w si" eia ' ' other and smuggle Die roasted turkey Jection, Larry. To whisper a secret to you, we call 'era the weaker sex, but they're not; on the contrary, far from it. But as long as they think they're the weaker sex and dress to match the part, we can still manage to make 'em think so too. If we don't fall into any serious sartorial errors such as dressing ourselves up like feeble imi tations of the original Florodora Sex tette." "When does a' man look more fool ish than he does any ' other time? The answer is easy: When he's try ing to match a sample for his wife in a department stors. How much fool isher he'll look when he goes around trying to match a sample of elephant into the woodshed, where you can tackle the job alone with a cross-cut saw and a double-bitted ax. It may muss up the interior of the woodshed some and taint the white meat, but it is a great saving to the wallpaper and the clothing of the guests, to say nothing of your own dig nity and sangfold, whatever that is. Every Fall as Thanksgiving approaches. I always issue a new mortgage on my little home and Invest in a turkey,-just to see how they are putting them together this year. I have never yet found two turkeys with a framework ' built along the same architectural design. Some sea sons they seem to forget to put in the Jolnta and you have to cut them apart with a hammer and a cold chisel, while other seasons you will find plenty of Joints, but they are tied up so with sheet iron bands that you have to take the stuffing out with a can opener. I have often thought that some day. when I have time, I would design a turkey along the same general lines as the centipede, so that each one of the children could have a leg- and do away with the cus tomary practice of deciding the question dcnliup t,t the rules of the Maraufc of yueensberry, and awarding the legs to I breath or mashej canteloupe tint in order to complete the color scheme of his own winsome costume. "It seems natural for a woman to crave openwork clothes and a shirt waist that buttons up the back. I guess maybe the first fig leaf that Eve wore was worm eaten and no doubt the primitive armor of the Amazon-3 was made In one piece. And so long as the women stay Inter ested in picture hats that are not pic tures, and p:rlod gowns that are not periods, but exclamation points, we needn't be afraid that the Suffragette movement will jam us through the back not yet awhile. 'I knew a man once that let his the two who are on their feet at the end of the last round. I know it is wrong to harbor such sen timents on a day that is Intended for thanksgiving and prayer, but somehow after the Thanksgiving dinner has been served, my family relations appear to be come strained. My wife and the children seem to avoid my presence in terror, and after I have kicked the cat into a three cornered mass under the kitchen range and smashed up the bric-a-brac, I usually go down to the market and assassinate the' butcher who sold me the jointless turkey. As' Thanksgiving day approaches don't get It Into your head that you have noth ing to be thankful for. If you are glad you are alive you have much to be thank ful for. If other people are glad you are alive you have a great deal more to be thankful for. There aren't many men living In the world today who cause the rest of the world to offer up thanks for that fact. Aside from the mental giant who is penning these lines, I doubt If there are a half dozen men of this sort In the country today. Aside from the bare fact of being alive, the past year has brought us all much to whiskers ,grow until he washed his face by wiping off his forehead with a damp towel- There was a rumor in his neighborhood in the latter years of his life that when he wanted to lo cate any particular feature, he had to send a terrier In to find It. But he retained the respect of the -community, except the barber, and kept his domestic affairs well In hand, because noboby could ever have any ground to suspect him of trying to look lady like. He reminded you a good jeal of a lichen growth, but he likewise bora some resemblance to a man. . "And I knew another chap that quit growing about tho point where most others began. He had camel's hair eye lashes and there wasn't enough of his face to cover his front teeth. He had an impediment In his speech of a liquid nature, like a syphon, and if he talked face to face with you five minutes you were entitled to a rain check. If you spent half an; hour In conversation with him, you'd feel as f you'd been sitting under the neadle shower in a Turkish bath with your clothes on. He was mild-mannered .in the extreme,, You couldn't conceive of him leading a forlorn hope over the breastworks. You couldn't picture him sitting in the White House as Presi dent. It took a long, strong stretch of the mind to imagine him Intimidating a pet white rat or lording it over a well-broke gold fish. But in the course of time he married a large, strong lady who'd been a tennis cham pion. She could swim farther) than he could go In a rolling chair without feeling fatigued. Yet he remained the boss of the .jstabllshment. Cause why? Because he wore ordinary man's duds and learned to smoke a cigar that looked like" a yellow clarionet and never under any circximstances or In any temptation permitted himself to be all Clarenced up like in spectacular habiliment. The roof of his main of fice was invariably one of those three dollar felt derbys. His benjamin was intended to warm him exclusively and not to light up the Winter landscape. He never felt that his terminal facil ities required anything to set them off except plain, human hose and congress gaiters. But just suppose he's come home some" evening under a green plush lid with a rooster's feather in it. His wife would have had his real number in thirty seconds. You can't dress up like a lightning-bug, Larry, and pass for a bald eagle, not In this variable climate. The only way we hold the women down in this country is by keeping them so busy with their private wardrobes that they haven't got time to U'ke charge of the official bureaus. Any time we take to cutting in on their domain, they'll take to cut ting in on ours, and then I shudder to think where we'll be, because any fe male that can do w ith a hairpin what you and me can't do with a tool lflt and a book of instructions, could beat any mars alive out of his job If she only made up her mind she wanted it" "Well, if we don't go . delirious studying the new fashion plates, we've got the bulge on the women one way. anvhow." said the House Detective. be thankful for. We who are struggling In the depths of poverty and have to earn our bread by the skin of ourteeth should be thankful that we do not belong to a Irust and have politicians knocking the. eternal daylights out of us in the public press and taking our money in our private office, and we should also be thankful that we cannot afford an affin ity and have our wife, perhaps the only wife we have. too. and one that is healthy and string and willing to work and M cannot afford to lose, sucing us for di vorce and alimony in the courts. The past year has brought us the affinity fad and the political investigation to knock the smithereens out of Illegal combina tions of wealth In .restraint of trade, but they can t touch us, so we should be thankful. Those who are rolling In wealth should be thankful that the campaign Is over and they can appear In public again and bo a power in the community without having every tinhorn politician and dinky sheet In the universe assailing his char acter and using him as a scapegoat for campaign material. Of course, a great manv of us would no doubt be glad to furnish campalsn material in this way. IRVIHSCOBB. "By nature men ain't as vain as tha women." "I wouldn't llkj to commit myself too far on that point." replied the Ho tel Clerk, slowly. "As tho college professors say. ys and no. Did ? ever seen a man with wish-br.e legs and a chest development like the letter A that wouldn't always pick out the Richard the Llon-IIearted costume for his when he whs going to a masquerade ball, with the Sir Walter R;Tleigh out fit as second choice? What's the first thing an ordinary man does when he gets an appointment on some govern or's staff? Why, he lias himself meas ured for a uniform with nino pounds of gold lace and gilded vermiform ap pendixes draped over the front of IL And what's the second thing ho doesT He ' puts on thos? brass-mounted up holsterings and hunts a photographer. Did yon ever stop to think why it is a couple of hundred men will turn out to attend a lodge- funeral and walk four miles on a hot day to a cemetery on a hill, and arrive there in such a state that Its a question which ought to be buried first the remains or the marchers. It's because of the regalia prescribed by the ritual for such sad occasions, that's why. If it wasn't for the sashes and the gladsome helmets and the shiny swords and the red-crosa belts, the deceased could get out and bury himself for all a lot of us would care. But give us a spcar-head on a pole to tote, and a hat with , a plume on it to wear, and there's no stranger so alone In the world but what a large crowd of the uniformed rank will Una up behind a. brass band aud accom pany him to his last resting place. "No, Larry: man hasn't lost his lova for the feathers t!nce the time when he was evoluted out of the peacock period. But up to the present, he's mainly managed to' disguise his'natu ral inclinations fairly well. But now with the fashions for men what they are end the haberdasher's window look ing like a place where a Syrian family has hung out iti wash, and purple shirts and pink socks coming In, I fear for the worst. It looks like we're a doomed race if this keeps up." "Aw, cheer up," said the House De tective. "Thanksgiving Day's almost here, and Teddy tays we've got a lot to be thankful for." "Yes, that's what Teddy said, but did you hear-any remark on the sun- ject by William Jennings Bryan? the Hotel Clerk. :ald Embryo Birds. They had met for the first time since their school days, and were telling each other of their professional careers. "And how did you come to leave the stage?" asked one. "I had a hint that I was not suited for it." "I see. The little birds told you, eh." "Well, no; not exactly. But they might have been birds had they been allowed to hatch." If any party wishes to use me as cam paign material I think I would rather be used as a bloated capitalist who Is cor nering the wealth of the universe than any way I know of. Any political faction that is looking for campaign material of this sort will please write me at this of fice with instructions as to how to get the capital. I am perfectly" willing to M a predatory wealthy, and I am used to being called vile names and do not mind It In the least. At that, though, I think I would be thankful when the campaign Is over. To enumerate the many things that we have to be thankful for would cause me to Jam this paper so full of copy that there would be no room for the sporting page or the beauty column and It would probably crowd out some well-paying ads, so i' will not attempt it. Which is an other reason why you should all b thankful. ii.jtaJ Men as Great Babies. London Sketch. Woman, deep down in the depths of her being, looks upon, all masculine things, of whatever age. as great ba bies, to be soothed and nursed.
