TTTK SUNDAY OREGONIAN. PORTLAND,
NOVEMBER
1908.
.
" ' . - . N,
Fffln T1N1R Afp)R AR A Id)M('l (Y
THERE strode through the lobby of
the St. Reckless, a strange spec
tacle. The foundation for the appa
rition Traa a slender young- man. ap
parently Just escaped from a 'varsity
tailor that had been drinking- to ex
cess. Superimposed upon this was a
green plush, hat with a brim that
rolled likT the ocean wave and a
cock's feather, similar to the kind for
merly worn by comic opera bandits be
fore the- audlcners began to rebel.
Over on arm trailed an overcoat revealing-
a lining- with a pattern that
van a ctoss between the hunting plaid
of the Ioiiglas rlan and the markings
on a tennis rourt. The troupers were
of a 'singular skimpy pattern, being
apparently designed with a view to
bringing out the irregularities of the
knee Joints, and they were turned up
quite a distnnr-e from the bottom.
' thereby causing- a well-nigh criminal
exposure of low-cut shoes, latched with
harness buckles, and striped hose of a
-poisonous appearance. The. coat was
a medley of bias p x-kets. fretted lape Is.
cuffs that had been seemingly worked
out w.n a ae.-ollsaw and rows of but
tors thnt stunted tip the sleeves and
d"wn the front. KinlFhlng touches were
afforded by on Inflammatory stock col
lar, a pair of yellow gloves with ridges
down their barks like the nine-banded
armadillo and a sweater vest In
which green 'wool fought purple
worsted all over the bosom, with a
double row of largo pearl buttons act
ing as referee.
- "Very kutush," murmured the Hotel
Clerk as he watched the glorified youth
swing by. 'Ijnnk quick, Larry, and
"see If there's a bracelet. watch strapped
on his left wrist. If there Is. the
picture's complete, only there ought to
be n law against that kind of a pic
ture." "Don't be loo hard on the kid," said
the House Detective. "He's probably
color blind and don't know no better.
.He looks pretty callow, anyway."
"Quite so." assented the Hotel Clerk.
"At least sixteen callow-power. I
should say. and maybe thirty-two. Any
time that lad s Intellect should totter
on Its throne. I bet It would be but a
tiny tot. I don't blame him. But
there's a lot of men old enough and
fat enough to know better that's been
guilty of dressing up like a Chinese
Kev Tear this Kail they're the ones
I'm bitter against"
"Ain't a party got a right to dress
the way he wants to, so long as he
don't scare no horses nor throw young
teethln" children Into convulsions?"
asked the House retcctive.
"Not a moral right, Larry," said the
Hotel Clerk. "Legally, yes: -morally,
no. When a grown man begins to ap
parel himself in such a manner as to
make people think he's Just been
hatched out of a pink Easter egg. he's
striking a deliberate blow at the foun
dation of hi3 own liberties. He may
rot know it. poor misguided creature
that he Is. in his sassy directolre coat
and his Lome Kahn's flowered even
ing waistcoat and his Chippendale
pants, but that's what he's doing. It's
on the strength of the clothes prop-
. ositlon that we -ontlnue to keep the
ostensibly weaker sex In partial sub
Ai; ark now nearing the datV of
our annual National Thanksgiving.
Th- I'ivtdent has Issued his proc
lamation setting aside Novemlicr M as a
day of prayer and thanksgiving for bless
ings of t:ie past ear. the wild-eyed tur
key gobbler scents the approach of im
pending doom and sneaks off through the
underbrush to escape the eye of the blood
thirsty farmer with a broa.lax up his
sleeve, nd already the amateur carver Is
beginning t. study up the puzzling an
atomical arrangement of tre turkey fam
ily and practicing short-arm hooks and
sabr slashes ith the carving-knife.
, it seems strange, but nevertheless true,
that there has never yet beeri"published a
reliable handbook on the anatomy of the
tur'tey gobbler. Society Is sadly lacking
in a knowledge, of the Inner workings
and ball-bearing Joints and sliding piston
rods of the adult turkey .In a deceased
and well-browned state. In all my large
circle of acquaintances. I cannot recall a
single man who is sufficiently familiar
with turkey anatomy to enable him to
ll- a carving-knife on Thanksgiving day
or Christmas and tied the exact place
-I " :
I I I ,r tn matph ft sample OI eiepilttiiif - x " " r " .
where the leg Is hitched onto the main
bulwarks of the animal, without filling
the air with stuffing and half-smothered
profanity and drowning the guests In
gravy.
This state of ignorance that prevails In
society renders our holidays to be dread
ed by the man who is compelled by cus
tom to stand up In company and make a
public display of his ignorance and be
spattered cripples of his family and
friends, as well s by the ones who risk
their lives by sitting around the festive
board to watch him In the hope that there
will be enough turkey left aftef the
wrestling match to satisfy their Inner
cravings. I often wonder why the direc
tors of our educational system do not
supplant the "study of human anatomy In
our public schools with the study of tur
key anatomy, as It so seldom occurs that
a student has occasion to cut up a human
being, while he may frequently be called
upon to carve a turkey.
This ignorance in regard to tha Inner
workings of the turkey gobbler causes a
great many people, to harbor feelings for
eign to the true spirit of the occasion on
Thanksgiving day. It requires a vast
amount tut chr'si g J orranca to keep
your mind concentrated on the blessings
of life when the friend who has invited
you to dinner on Thanksgiving linds that
the hip Joint of the deceased gobbler is
located in a different place than where he
thought it was, and during his frantic
efforts to locate It the turkey skids off
the platter Into j our wife's face and the
carving-knife is buried in your bosom.
However, it Isn't with malice afore
thought that tho amateur carver accom
plishes this feat The situation is just as
embarrassing to him as it is to the eom
panv of gueEts who are taking a gravy
shower bath and dodging the stuffing.
The man who has ever attempted to carve
a' turkey in the presence of others knows
how It taxes his self-control and stretches
the limitations of the profane language.
It l-'n't every man who can maintain his
presence of mind and self-control suffi
ciently to pick the bird out of the lap of
one of his guests and make a fresh start,
and it Is apt to embarass some men when
they have to get the step-ladder and take
the wing and the wishbone down from the
chandelier In the presence or company.
The safest plan is to excuse yourself
.... .. .i, ,e nretext or
i irom w si" eia '
' other and smuggle Die roasted turkey
Jection, Larry. To whisper a secret to
you, we call 'era the weaker sex, but
they're not; on the contrary, far from
it. But as long as they think they're
the weaker sex and dress to match
the part, we can still manage to make
'em think so too. If we don't fall into
any serious sartorial errors such as
dressing ourselves up like feeble imi
tations of the original Florodora Sex
tette." "When does a' man look more fool
ish than he does any ' other time?
The answer is easy: When he's try
ing to match a sample for his wife in
a department stors. How much fool
isher he'll look when he goes around
trying to match a sample of elephant
into the woodshed, where you can tackle
the job alone with a cross-cut saw and a
double-bitted ax. It may muss up the
interior of the woodshed some and taint
the white meat, but it is a great saving to
the wallpaper and the clothing of the
guests, to say nothing of your own dig
nity and sangfold, whatever that is.
Every Fall as Thanksgiving approaches.
I always issue a new mortgage on my
little home and Invest in a turkey,-just to
see how they are putting them together
this year. I have never yet found two
turkeys with a framework ' built along
the same architectural design. Some sea
sons they seem to forget to put in the
Jolnta and you have to cut them apart
with a hammer and a cold chisel, while
other seasons you will find plenty of
Joints, but they are tied up so with sheet
iron bands that you have to take the
stuffing out with a can opener. I have
often thought that some day. when I
have time, I would design a turkey along
the same general lines as the centipede,
so that each one of the children could
have a leg- and do away with the cus
tomary practice of deciding the question
dcnliup t,t the rules of the Maraufc of
yueensberry, and awarding the legs to I
breath or mashej canteloupe tint in
order to complete the color scheme
of his own winsome costume.
"It seems natural for a woman to
crave openwork clothes and a shirt
waist that buttons up the back. I
guess maybe the first fig leaf that
Eve wore was worm eaten and no
doubt the primitive armor of
the Amazon-3 was made In one piece.
And so long as the women stay Inter
ested in picture hats that are not pic
tures, and p:rlod gowns that are not
periods, but exclamation points, we
needn't be afraid that the Suffragette
movement will jam us through the
back not yet awhile.
'I knew a man once that let his
the two who are on their feet at the end
of the last round.
I know it is wrong to harbor such sen
timents on a day that is Intended for
thanksgiving and prayer, but somehow
after the Thanksgiving dinner has been
served, my family relations appear to be
come strained. My wife and the children
seem to avoid my presence in terror, and
after I have kicked the cat into a three
cornered mass under the kitchen range
and smashed up the bric-a-brac, I usually
go down to the market and assassinate
the' butcher who sold me the jointless
turkey.
As' Thanksgiving day approaches don't
get It Into your head that you have noth
ing to be thankful for. If you are glad
you are alive you have much to be thank
ful for. If other people are glad you are
alive you have a great deal more to be
thankful for. There aren't many men
living In the world today who cause the
rest of the world to offer up thanks for
that fact. Aside from the mental giant
who is penning these lines, I doubt If
there are a half dozen men of this sort In
the country today.
Aside from the bare fact of being alive,
the past year has brought us all much to
whiskers ,grow until he washed his
face by wiping off his forehead with
a damp towel- There was a rumor in
his neighborhood in the latter years
of his life that when he wanted to lo
cate any particular feature, he had
to send a terrier In to find It. But
he retained the respect of the -community,
except the barber, and kept his
domestic affairs well In hand, because
noboby could ever have any ground
to suspect him of trying to look lady
like. He reminded you a good jeal of
a lichen growth, but he likewise bora
some resemblance to a man. .
"And I knew another chap that quit
growing about tho point where most
others began. He had camel's hair eye
lashes and there wasn't enough of his
face to cover his front teeth. He had
an impediment In his speech of a
liquid nature, like a syphon, and if he
talked face to face with you five
minutes you were entitled to a rain
check. If you spent half an; hour In
conversation with him, you'd feel as
f you'd been sitting under the neadle
shower in a Turkish bath with your
clothes on. He was mild-mannered .in
the extreme,, You couldn't conceive of
him leading a forlorn hope over the
breastworks. You couldn't picture him
sitting in the White House as Presi
dent. It took a long, strong stretch of
the mind to imagine him Intimidating
a pet white rat or lording it over a
well-broke gold fish. But in the
course of time he married a large,
strong lady who'd been a tennis cham
pion. She could swim farther) than he
could go In a rolling chair without
feeling fatigued. Yet he remained the
boss of the .jstabllshment. Cause why?
Because he wore ordinary man's duds
and learned to smoke a cigar that
looked like" a yellow clarionet and
never under any circximstances or In
any temptation permitted himself to
be all Clarenced up like in spectacular
habiliment. The roof of his main of
fice was invariably one of those three
dollar felt derbys. His benjamin was
intended to warm him exclusively and
not to light up the Winter landscape.
He never felt that his terminal facil
ities required anything to set them off
except plain, human hose and congress
gaiters. But just suppose he's come
home some" evening under a green
plush lid with a rooster's feather in
it. His wife would have had his real
number in thirty seconds. You can't
dress up like a lightning-bug, Larry,
and pass for a bald eagle, not In this
variable climate. The only way we
hold the women down in this country
is by keeping them so busy with their
private wardrobes that they haven't
got time to U'ke charge of the official
bureaus. Any time we take to cutting
in on their domain, they'll take to cut
ting in on ours, and then I shudder to
think where we'll be, because any fe
male that can do w ith a hairpin what
you and me can't do with a tool lflt
and a book of instructions, could beat
any mars alive out of his job If she
only made up her mind she wanted
it"
"Well, if we don't go . delirious
studying the new fashion plates, we've
got the bulge on the women one way.
anvhow." said the
House Detective.
be thankful for. We who are struggling
In the depths of poverty and have to
earn our bread by the skin of ourteeth
should be thankful that we do not belong
to a Irust and have politicians knocking
the. eternal daylights out of us in the
public press and taking our money in our
private office, and we should also be
thankful that we cannot afford an affin
ity and have our wife, perhaps the only
wife we have. too. and one that is healthy
and string and willing to work and M
cannot afford to lose, sucing us for di
vorce and alimony in the courts. The
past year has brought us the affinity fad
and the political investigation to knock
the smithereens out of Illegal combina
tions of wealth In .restraint of trade, but
they can t touch us, so we should be
thankful.
Those who are rolling In wealth should
be thankful that the campaign Is over
and they can appear In public again and
bo a power in the community without
having every tinhorn politician and dinky
sheet In the universe assailing his char
acter and using him as a scapegoat for
campaign material. Of course, a great
manv of us would no doubt be glad to
furnish campalsn material in this way.
IRVIHSCOBB.
"By nature men ain't as vain as tha
women."
"I wouldn't llkj to commit myself
too far on that point." replied the Ho
tel Clerk, slowly. "As tho college
professors say. ys and no. Did ?
ever seen a man with wish-br.e legs
and a chest development like the letter
A that wouldn't always pick out the
Richard the Llon-IIearted costume for
his when he whs going to a masquerade
ball, with the Sir Walter R;Tleigh out
fit as second choice? What's the first
thing an ordinary man does when he
gets an appointment on some govern
or's staff? Why, he lias himself meas
ured for a uniform with nino pounds
of gold lace and gilded vermiform ap
pendixes draped over the front of IL
And what's the second thing ho doesT
He ' puts on thos? brass-mounted up
holsterings and hunts a photographer.
Did yon ever stop to think why it is
a couple of hundred men will turn
out to attend a lodge- funeral and walk
four miles on a hot day to a cemetery
on a hill, and arrive there in such a
state that Its a question which ought
to be buried first the remains or the
marchers. It's because of the regalia
prescribed by the ritual for such sad
occasions, that's why. If it wasn't for
the sashes and the gladsome helmets
and the shiny swords and the red-crosa
belts, the deceased could get out and
bury himself for all a lot of us would
care. But give us a spcar-head on a
pole to tote, and a hat with , a plume
on it to wear, and there's no stranger
so alone In the world but what a large
crowd of the uniformed rank will Una
up behind a. brass band aud accom
pany him to his last resting place.
"No, Larry: man hasn't lost his lova
for the feathers t!nce the time when
he was evoluted out of the peacock
period. But up to the present, he's
mainly managed to' disguise his'natu
ral inclinations fairly well. But now
with the fashions for men what they
are end the haberdasher's window look
ing like a place where a Syrian family
has hung out iti wash, and purple
shirts and pink socks coming In, I
fear for the worst. It looks like we're
a doomed race if this keeps up."
"Aw, cheer up," said the House De
tective. "Thanksgiving Day's almost
here, and Teddy tays we've got a lot
to be thankful for."
"Yes, that's what Teddy said, but
did you hear-any remark on the sun-
ject by William Jennings Bryan?
the Hotel Clerk.
:ald
Embryo Birds.
They had met for the first time since
their school days, and were telling each
other of their professional careers.
"And how did you come to leave the
stage?" asked one.
"I had a hint that I was not suited for
it."
"I see. The little birds told you, eh."
"Well, no; not exactly. But they might
have been birds had they been allowed to
hatch."
If any party wishes to use me as cam
paign material I think I would rather be
used as a bloated capitalist who Is cor
nering the wealth of the universe than
any way I know of. Any political faction
that is looking for campaign material of
this sort will please write me at this of
fice with instructions as to how to get
the capital. I am perfectly" willing to M
a predatory wealthy, and I am used to
being called vile names and do not mind
It In the least. At that, though, I think
I would be thankful when the campaign
Is over.
To enumerate the many things that we
have to be thankful for would cause me
to Jam this paper so full of copy that
there would be no room for the sporting
page or the beauty column and It would
probably crowd out some well-paying ads,
so i' will not attempt it. Which is an
other reason why you should all b
thankful. ii.jtaJ
Men as Great Babies.
London Sketch.
Woman, deep down in the depths of
her being, looks upon, all masculine
things, of whatever age. as great ba
bies, to be soothed and nursed.