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About The Sunday Oregonian. (Portland, Ore.) 1881-current | View Entire Issue (Nov. 8, 1908)
THE SUNDAY OREGOMAN, PORTLAND. XOTE3IBER 8, 1908. mm emu nN jrr; Ann x w cL ml "i If glad the Fall to here at last," lid the Hotel Clerk. "Wuit nam no the trailer - aaid the House De tective of the St. Reckless. "Accordln' to the way I dope It out. Fall more n half gone." "Not at all." said the Hotel Clerk, "not at all. In this part of the country Fall Is r.ot properly ushered In until the week lies begin to print full-page pictures of the football heroes and the Pullman peo ple recognise the fact that you've Just put on your flannel fuzxy wuzzies by warming up thetr cars to the even tem perature of a steam-heated Incubator. One of these days some Ill-starred sinner who's wearing his heavy underclothes will be killed while riding on a sleeping car, and when the new comes back from the Other Place that he's caught a con gestive chill, due to the abrupt change to a cooler climate, the railroad people will become sagacious to the fact that It's not absolutely necessary to hermet ically seal all the windows and tune up the radiators until the G-string snars in order to make traveling a comfort after the thermometer outside has fallen to Fpeaktn' of football, wot wus the score today?" asked the House Detective. "I didn't pay much attention." said the Hotel Clerk. "It's hard to get enthused over a newspaper account of how the young college boys are out In the bracing November air kicking goal and the bucket. I can get all the thrills I want reading bow the Night Riders of the Sunny Southland Just held another in formal lynching of a Circuit Judge. But as nearly as I recall the score today wa 4 to I." to three. In a football gamer' the House Detective, wonder - "Four Inquired lngly. "Sure. aid the Hotel Clerk. "Four mhniance calls for Harvard to three for the other lads. There were no touch downs, and so the Coroner had compara tively nothing to do. and went away at the close of the second half feeling that a slight had been put upon him." I thought you wus strong for football." said the House Detective. "What I'm strong for Is the pictures that the magasir.es print at this sea son and the stories that go with the plctuies," said the Hotel Clerk. "1 also confess to weakness for the graphic description in the morning papers of how Dressed Beef Horgan. the lusty young- fullback for Yale, broke down and wept because they took him out of the gamo In order o push his shoulder blades out of his eyes and take his hip Joints off his chest, and how he was moaning and protesting that he could never get over the shame of falling to kick goal. When I see a story like that I can't keep from thinking that If his various sections are ever properly reassembled and he goes out In the world to make his way he'll be surprised to know how few large business men will care whether he did or did not make the hundred-yard gain for Dear Old Ell In the fall of 1S08. If his parents bad the forethought to make spelling In its simpler branches a part of his eourse of study he'U be able to find many business bouses where be can get a Job at til a week to start on. and no other question aaked regarding his paAt life. But. as I was Just saying, its the football pictures on the back covers thst 1 like the best. It's the same splendid young lad. nine feet three Inches' tall and broad In proportion, that we used to see in the mid Summer numbers. At that time he wore white trousers turned up a suit able distance at the bottom and a soft shirt, and he was lying on the beach looking up at a Summer girl of corre sponding height with wind-tossed hair and large limpid eyes and a duck skirt that never blew up any higher than her ankles, owing to the large family circulation of the magazine. But as we find him now he's wearing his hair down In his eyes and there's a lot of decp-ees diving apparatus twined around his brow, and his clothes are stuffed out like one of those up holstered couches that you can get for too. 000 of the green cigarette coupons and $2S In cash, or you can leave off the 28 and get a neat Iron stove lifter for the coupons alone. Usually there's a story that goes along with him; tell ing how. with three minutes yet to play, the desplsrd substitute was thrown Into the game as a forlorn hope, and he got the ball somehow and Just when it looked as if all the other young safe movers were going to Jump on him with their knees and knead him Into sally lunns and buckwheat batter he had a vision of his Alma Mater or else he saw A girl's pale face swimming before, his blurred vision in the crowd, and with a great cry he tore loose from all detain ing bands and ran the full length of the field and dropped In a heap, and so knew no more, until he came to to find the girl he loved bending over his battered young frame." "I guess at that there's a lot of girls fallln' In love with them young football huskies." said the House Detective. "No doubt of It." said the Hotel Clerk. "At this very hour there are probably large numbers of young girls growing up who feel that life for them can never be the same again unless they are wooed and won by those stalwart young sides of beef who provide the fresh sirloin that's served on the football gridiron. At the same time I feel quite sure that in due season they'll get over It. It may take a good while but they'll recover. Peo ple rarely marry the ones they pick out for themselves in the .springtime of vouth. when the sap is still running free ly and romance is in a sucker period bordering on the sapling growth. If they did our divorce Judges would have to borrow Barnum & Bailey's main top to hold their court In. "Take the budding young maiden Just out of the high school who's shed her sailor suit and let her skirts out. and put her hair up and Is apparently at tempting to be In two places at once by walking with the new forward bend from the hips. She likes to take a pound of caramels and Robert Chambers' new est one and go off somewhere and think out the Main Problem, the result being that she decides the only man who can ever claim ner neart must oe mn u -I 1 .. J 1. .fill imtllriiH very iciijci r- - - nm.fhing' UlcA HAckett. but more like Faversham. There must also be SUBSTITUTE. 1 --0 V M 11 PUOvZ IK THE DESPISED TOUN6 CxOr THE E piercing black eyes that will seem to burn Into her very soul, for some reason or other, and ebon curls that droop athwart his broad brow and he must have a secret sorrow and a sash belt, and know how to play the guitar end call her by Span ish love names. "What does she get? Does she ac n.iiA Riffmnnri wfh the burning eyes ni ih. tnll riiLrlc slender form like panatella. Not so as to De reaiiy ai- nible to me casual passeruy. in uuc time she discovers that if she wants a husband with a working knowledge of Spanish love names she'll have to take some party making a specialty of pick ing out the titles for new brands of 6-cent cigars. Young men who can play on the guitar acceptably and at the same time earn as much as $12 a week are so rare as to be pracucauy oui the market. So our heroine strikes a compromise by hitching up with a stout person In the wholesale egg and pro- duce business named James K. Yolk. If James K. ever had any ebon curls doing the athwarting thing across his brow they have long since been driven back over the brow of the hill. When he wants to brush his hair he has to take off his collar. His waist line extends out some distance In front of the foun dation line In an Italian balcony enrect, and he has large, well-filled feet that (-...i iniiirlcta mleht de- loo 1 ' " -' ... velop If he ever smashed one of them. He Is not up on guitar culture, his favorite musical Instrument being the double-entry ledger. His Idea of a pleasant evening is to take off his shoes and read the produce market in the evening paper, after which- a short, open-faced nap is enjoyed. The only IWlNa.COEB Spanish love name he ever calls her by Is 'Old Lady.' 'Then there's the girlie who Just knows that she was cut out for the clinging vine role. She has a mental . picture of herself going through life looking trustfully up to some sturdy oak about 14 hands high. In the last chapter we find her engaged in the ath letic feat of running a boarding-house with one hand and raising a large fam ily with the other, while husband sits back behind the prescription case at the drug-store down by the corner for hours at a time pointing out the mis takes of the second Cleveland adminis tration. "Members of the ostor-!y drrnipr sex don't pick 'em any better. The poetically-inclined youth who feels that the cravings of his temperament demand a helpmate that will understand the longings of his soul and be able to wan der afield with him into the uplands of fancy, culling sweet . garlands of senti ment and truth from the bowers of tho soul. Is discovered In an unguarded mo ment leading to the altar Mrs. Henrietta Vestpatski, widow of the well-known clothing dealer, a atout lady who looks Just like a block on the road due to a confusion of the lighting arrangement of the block signal system, when she puts on all her red and green Jewelry. Or else he falls for one of those gladsome spirits from the chorus who wears a etanding-room-only skirt and four pounds of bracelets on each arm and hae all the conversational brilliancy of a cuckoo clock. "The girl who knows that she could feel the mad consuming passion only for some brawny hero that would save her from a team of runaway horses or a boat-rocking contest. is eventually coupled In the running with a small per son having those large, bright, outstand ing ears like red semaphores, and an Adam's apple that is constantly trying to turn porch climber and his most dar ing achievement in life is adding up four columns of figures at once. The man who feels that he must have for a wife some timid creature who will bend to his imperious will and tremble when he s angrv, becomes the silent partner of an iron-jawed club lady who buys his clothes for him and selects what he eats, thus reducing him to the level of the tapeworm. which is the only other living creature except him that's never per mitted to pick out what if going to """The man who can never be 'satisfied without beauty wins a lady whose teeth are mainly . being worn on the outside of the face this season, and ahe has a countenance that turns to a red interior scene when she smiles. The girl who must have Intellect for her's gets a banker's son whose brain stopped work ing after he learned how to sign a din ner check and crank up a machine. "And so it goes. Larry. Romance la a grand thing but it don't seem to etanj the acid or marriage test. Three X s on, one of sweetheart's letters before mar riage means kisses and" "And after marriage, wot?' broke In the House Detective. ' "Well, said the Hotel Clerk, 'after marriage it means dasi't forget to order, that barrel of XXX flour sent up.' J UlflJli 1 1 oirraiDE-OF ITSEDBOOM-'WIND OWS -AFTER.' UIN& O'CLOCK- SHOULTD-TSEr PROHIBITED. PL' IXCUK&IOJJ- r"Art i TTMrTY-tlEEB.' TSOTTLEfc- i WJiSS. flWfiMflffir ml c S...M..M B.,,fiHflKfl H,n ff 7 nnrrpgnig1" TT-r" lio Iv7lutrT. vtl-tt.V STRAP-A-FAlR-OF-WINGS-TO-HIb-SHOULDER-LADtSj-nND- &XIM- 0U "OF-HIS) -HOTEL-WINDOW. HEN-TOi-WE-E-AL-TO-TAKE- OUR-FATIlUtf JMM JNJ- CJ rtLT4ls-J- muni X'ZLZ7L Z. THE conquest of ttas air Is an as sured success. As we go to press the oione w breathe into our luna-s Isn't as yet overcharged with di rigible balloons and "heavier-than-alr" machines and transplanet liners and aerial excursion boats and alr-llns ex presses, and the trolley car and the sub way are still doing business at the same old stand, vet the progress that has been made In navigating the air during the past year, and the recent successful flights of the -Wright brothers In par ticular, have demonstrated beyond per adventure of a doubt, whatever or wherever that Is, that the day Is not far distant when a man will be able to take his wings down from the hat rack and jump oiT the roof and skim Into tha opn window of his JS-story office. While there Is nothing new about the practice of "going up in the air." the idea of using an aeroplane for tha pur pose is comparatively recent. Since the time of Adam most people have found It easy to "go up in the air" without the aid of n aeroplane or a dirigible sas bag. using nothing more than a quick temper for the purpose. Married men coming home late from the club have witnessed their wives making soma very successful flights In this way. I have done considerable "going up In the air" myself on occasions when I find the peroration of my pet story taken out and carefully locked up be tween a patent medicine ad and a blood-curdlir.p account of a checker tournament, or a fat chunk sliced off my funniest cartoon to make room for the weekly embroidery pattern. But Uie aeroplane is tue latest and most Improved form of aerial trolley car. Tha 4o-funnle erected In the past for the purpose of sailing up through ths ethereal intervening space Into the wide canopy of heaven and staking out of a claim on the moon hava all become more or less discouraged at the per nicious activity of the law of gravity and descended In a vertical air line when somebody pushed them off the roof. If the aviator (this Is what they call the chauffeur of an airship) ware sufficiently able-bodied and lived long enough after they dug him out of the main springs of his Invention, he In variably showed his temper by drag ging It Into the woodahed and splitting it Into stova lengths for the kitchen range. Many a repast of ham and eggs has slxaled over the blasted hopes of aspiring Inventors who have tried to defy the law of gravity. M. Santos Dumont acquired some lit tle fame with bis dirigible gas begs, but they weren't quite satisfying enough to smash up his automobile and invest in an airship, because If the weather conditions weren't exactly pro plUoua and according to tha Marquis of Queensberry rules, when you had made up your mind to take a little flyer Into New York you would either have to change your mind and go to Pitts burg or else stay at home. As a mat ter of choice most people would prefer to stay at home than go to Pittsburg. What the suffering public, has been sighing for Is a contraption that a man can pack away in a valise and take Into his room in a hotel, and that be can put together some morning before breakfast and strap to his shoulder blades and fly out of the window of his lath-story room In a New Tork hotel, leaving nothing but his empty valise and his kindest regards, and alight In Chicago. Such a machine would prove popular, and I predict an Immense sale for it when It is perfected. This is the sort of aerial navigation that reaches the hearts of the common people. We are not Interested in mili tary experiments, and we don't give a continental cuss how many times a man can circle the parade grounds In an aeroplane when the atmospheric condi tions are according to the rules and regulations of the local aeronautical society, or how many tons of dynamite a skilled aasassln could chuck down on the beads of an invading foe- What we want to know is how long it will be before we can purchase a pair of wings and defy the Rapid Transit Company in all kinds of weather, and how long we will have to wait before we can take our family and spend a vacation among the stars and skim the cream off the milky way for lunch. Then we'll ba getting down to cases. The French have probably been more Interested In problems of aerial naviga tion than any other nation, but then the French have always been a fly people. Their inventors have a natural advan tage, as It doesn't take much to make a Frenchman "go up In the air." But the latest improved aeroplanes of Orville and Wilbur Wright have suc ceeded in "getting oft the earth" and staying off with more degree of cer tainty than any inventions that have preceded them. Many inventors have succeeded In constructing graceful and artistic-looking machines. but they have nearly all committed the same mistake by trying to fly in them. As long as they kept them for exhibi tion purposes only they attracted the attention of the world and filled scien tists with wonder. But as soon aa they tried to take a little morning spin along the milky way before breakfast they Invariably filled the hospitals with inventors and the bystanders with splinters. . But the Wright aeroplane has dem onstrated its ability to go up and frolio with the pigeons and sparrows till lunch time, then swoop gracefully down into the back vard without dinging the earth or tearing up the sod with tha aviator's wishbone. With a few im provements Mr. Wright has hopes that his machine will soon be in general use for distributing the morning milk, driv ing home the cows, running errands, carrying the mail. Jumping hotel bills, subpena- dodging, picking cherries, painting houses, rushing the can; seeing baseball games. Jail breaking, making campaign speeches and getting out of trouble. We would also recommend that some of our acquaintances buy one and get off the earth. A French syndicate has already or dered a hundred thousand dollars worth of aeroplanes from Wilbur Wright, and when they come down to two for a quarter I am going to buy a couple to prune the trees with. They'll come down all right, becauee all airships come down. Some more rapidly than others. Already society all over the country has taken up the idea of aerial navi gation, and every town .of any conse quence and Philadelphia has its aer onautical society. You can't be in the social swim any more if you're not a skilled aviator. It won't be long till tbev'Il be leading the cotillion in an aeroplane, and holding pink teas and ping pong tournaments along the milky way. ; The use of the aeroplane in so ciety will also give a fresh stimulus to the affinity fad, as an aeroplane will be much harder to locate on a dark night than a downtown cafe. If the progress In aerial navigation continues at Its present rate it won't be long till the atmosphere will be so charged with aeroplanes, aerial runa bouts and pigeon wing freight trains that we'll have to breathe through a sieve. The aerial shipping docks of our cities will be so crowded with com merce as to shut off the sunlight and render pit-lamps necessary. As the time is rapidly approaching when every man will be skimming through the -air on a pair of wings, a few words of advice from an experi enced aviator may be helpful to the public. - Wo will, of oourse, have to have a new set of traffic laws. The following suggestions are based on a long experience of studying halftones of airships in the newspapers: Cruising outside of bedroom windows after 9 o'clock at night should be pro hibited. While unloading freight, dock hands should be compelled to spread a net beneath the shipping to Insure safety to pedestrians. Otherwise the citizen who gets hit on the cerebellum with a falling crate of cheese or caddy of mackerel has good grounds for a dam age suit against the company. Excursions and picnlo parties should not throw empty beer bottles over board. . To prevent tying up to church steeples aerial hitching posts should be provided. . Any person cruising over baseball grounds for the purpose of swiping fly balls should be arrested for high lar ceny and have his license revoked. Mashers caught loafing along the Great Milky Way for the purpose of flirting with Venus should be locked up and the practice discouraged. Any aviator who gets hit in the eye with a shooting star has no just cause for a damage suit, as he should stick to tha chorus girls and leave tha stars alone. Freighters should keep to their reg ular air ohannel, and not Interfere with the pleasure craft and mail steamers. Any ship's officer who throws a mon key wrench or a sparker plug at a deckhand should be held personally re sponsible for the damage he does to the town ha is passing over at tha time. If any one falls overboard and be comes impaled on a lightning rod or weathervane it is not necessary to put out a lifeboat. Newspaper editors getting out of Jurisdiction of the courts will be given right of way at ail times. Trust magnates securing a priority of claim on the sun, moon and stars should not be permitted to charge ex orbitant rates for light and heat. Any person trespassing on the earth's drbit and obstructing Its progress should be fined and imprisoned. Milkmen should be enjoined from staking out a dairy claim on the Milky Way. Other rules and regulations to gov ern aerial traffic and meet the new conditions which confront us will sug gest themselves from time to time, and any aeronautical society or inter-planet touring club wishing advice should not hesitate to approach me on the subject. As time rolls on and the public be oomes more accustomed to the novelty of sitting on the edge of a cloud with a gum overcoat on, wa will taka a higher view of things and realize that It is no longer mere idle badinage when soma one tells us to "get off tha earth." The Card System New York 8un. Mack Is In the harveit field Bringing In the sheaves. . Hitchcock In the gloomy wood Indexing the leaves; Voter, Voter, have, a care. Careful -what you do! Indexers are everywhere , They've got teb on ye. Bryan's in the writing-room Freeing all the slavei, river's on the sad eeuhore Counting all the waveJ; Balance sheets are being drawn. Who's to bring the glueT Voter, Voter, have a care. Soma one's tabbing you. Hack is running here and there. No time, he. for worde; Hitchcock's running everywhere Listing all the birds; Clerks are indexing the stare In the heavens blue; Voter, don't you dare to sneeze, Sone one's listing you. Indexed, sorted, classified. Listed, tabbed, arranged. Balanced, added argus-eyed Clerks are hired and changed. Ticketed snd filed and checked. Careful what you do Else yoru whole career is wrecked, They are listing you. Experts are about the caves Ticketing the rocks, Everything's a yellow card In a filing box. You're a check mark made some place lasting until Fall, All the world's a filing case. You're a card that's alll
