THE SUNDAY OREGOMAN, PORTLAND. XOTE3IBER 8, 1908.
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"i
If glad the Fall to here at last,"
lid the Hotel Clerk. "Wuit nam
no the trailer - aaid the House De
tective of the St. Reckless. "Accordln'
to the way I dope It out. Fall more n
half gone."
"Not at all." said the Hotel Clerk, "not
at all. In this part of the country Fall
Is r.ot properly ushered In until the week
lies begin to print full-page pictures of
the football heroes and the Pullman peo
ple recognise the fact that you've Just
put on your flannel fuzxy wuzzies by
warming up thetr cars to the even tem
perature of a steam-heated Incubator.
One of these days some Ill-starred sinner
who's wearing his heavy underclothes
will be killed while riding on a sleeping
car, and when the new comes back from
the Other Place that he's caught a con
gestive chill, due to the abrupt change
to a cooler climate, the railroad people
will become sagacious to the fact that
It's not absolutely necessary to hermet
ically seal all the windows and tune up
the radiators until the G-string snars in
order to make traveling a comfort after
the thermometer outside has fallen to
Fpeaktn' of football, wot wus the
score today?" asked the House Detective.
"I didn't pay much attention." said the
Hotel Clerk. "It's hard to get enthused
over a newspaper account of how the
young college boys are out In the bracing
November air kicking goal and the
bucket. I can get all the thrills I want
reading bow the Night Riders of the
Sunny Southland Just held another in
formal lynching of a Circuit Judge. But
as nearly as I recall the score today wa
4 to I."
to three. In a football gamer'
the House Detective, wonder -
"Four
Inquired
lngly.
"Sure.
aid the Hotel Clerk. "Four
mhniance calls for Harvard to three for
the other lads. There were no touch
downs, and so the Coroner had compara
tively nothing to do. and went away at
the close of the second half feeling that
a slight had been put upon him."
I thought you wus strong for football."
said the House Detective.
"What I'm strong for Is the pictures
that the magasir.es print at this sea
son and the stories that go with the
plctuies," said the Hotel Clerk. "1 also
confess to weakness for the graphic
description in the morning papers of
how Dressed Beef Horgan. the lusty
young- fullback for Yale, broke down
and wept because they took him out of
the gamo In order o push his shoulder
blades out of his eyes and take his
hip Joints off his chest, and how he
was moaning and protesting that he
could never get over the shame of
falling to kick goal. When I see a
story like that I can't keep from
thinking that If his various sections
are ever properly reassembled and he
goes out In the world to make his
way he'll be surprised to know how
few large business men will care
whether he did or did not make the
hundred-yard gain for Dear Old Ell In
the fall of 1S08. If his parents bad the
forethought to make spelling In its
simpler branches a part of his eourse
of study he'U be able to find many
business bouses where be can get a Job
at til a week to start on. and no
other question aaked regarding his
paAt life.
But. as I was Just saying, its the
football pictures on the back covers
thst 1 like the best. It's the same
splendid young lad. nine feet three
Inches' tall and broad In proportion,
that we used to see in the mid
Summer numbers. At that time he
wore white trousers turned up a suit
able distance at the bottom and a soft
shirt, and he was lying on the beach
looking up at a Summer girl of corre
sponding height with wind-tossed hair
and large limpid eyes and a duck skirt
that never blew up any higher than
her ankles, owing to the large family
circulation of the magazine. But as we
find him now he's wearing his hair
down In his eyes and there's a lot of
decp-ees diving apparatus twined
around his brow, and his clothes are
stuffed out like one of those up
holstered couches that you can get for
too. 000 of the green cigarette coupons
and $2S In cash, or you can leave off
the 28 and get a neat Iron stove lifter
for the coupons alone. Usually there's
a story that goes along with him; tell
ing how. with three minutes yet to play,
the desplsrd substitute was thrown
Into the game as a forlorn hope, and he
got the ball somehow and Just when it
looked as if all the other young safe
movers were going to Jump on him with
their knees and knead him Into sally
lunns and buckwheat batter he had a
vision of his Alma Mater or else he saw
A girl's pale face swimming before, his
blurred vision in the crowd, and with a
great cry he tore loose from all detain
ing bands and ran the full length of the
field and dropped In a heap, and so knew
no more, until he came to to find the
girl he loved bending over his battered
young frame."
"I guess at that there's a lot of girls
fallln' In love with them young football
huskies." said the House Detective.
"No doubt of It." said the Hotel Clerk.
"At this very hour there are probably
large numbers of young girls growing up
who feel that life for them can never be
the same again unless they are wooed and
won by those stalwart young sides of
beef who provide the fresh sirloin that's
served on the football gridiron. At the
same time I feel quite sure that in due
season they'll get over It. It may take
a good while but they'll recover. Peo
ple rarely marry the ones they pick out
for themselves in the .springtime of
vouth. when the sap is still running free
ly and romance is in a sucker period
bordering on the sapling growth. If
they did our divorce Judges would have
to borrow Barnum & Bailey's main top
to hold their court In.
"Take the budding young maiden Just
out of the high school who's shed her
sailor suit and let her skirts out. and
put her hair up and Is apparently at
tempting to be In two places at once
by walking with the new forward bend
from the hips. She likes to take a pound
of caramels and Robert Chambers' new
est one and go off somewhere and think
out the Main Problem, the result being
that she decides the only man who can
ever claim ner neart must oe mn u
-I 1 .. J 1. .fill imtllriiH
very iciijci r- - -
nm.fhing' UlcA HAckett. but more
like Faversham. There must also be
SUBSTITUTE. 1 --0 V M 11 PUOvZ
IK
THE DESPISED
TOUN6
CxOr THE E
piercing black eyes that will seem to burn
Into her very soul, for some reason or
other, and ebon curls that droop athwart
his broad brow and he must have a secret
sorrow and a sash belt, and know how
to play the guitar end call her by Span
ish love names.
"What does she get? Does she ac
n.iiA Riffmnnri wfh the burning eyes
ni ih. tnll riiLrlc slender form like
panatella. Not so as to De reaiiy ai-
nible to me casual passeruy. in uuc
time she discovers that if she wants a
husband with a working knowledge of
Spanish love names she'll have to take
some party making a specialty of pick
ing out the titles for new brands of
6-cent cigars. Young men who can play
on the guitar acceptably and at the
same time earn as much as $12 a week
are so rare as to be pracucauy oui
the market. So our heroine strikes a
compromise by hitching up with a stout
person In the wholesale egg and pro-
duce business named James K. Yolk. If
James K. ever had any ebon curls doing
the athwarting thing across his brow
they have long since been driven back
over the brow of the hill. When he
wants to brush his hair he has to take
off his collar. His waist line extends
out some distance In front of the foun
dation line In an Italian balcony enrect,
and he has large, well-filled feet that
(-...i iniiirlcta mleht de-
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velop If he ever smashed one of them.
He Is not up on guitar culture, his
favorite musical Instrument being the
double-entry ledger. His Idea of a
pleasant evening is to take off his shoes
and read the produce market in the
evening paper, after which- a short,
open-faced nap is enjoyed. The only
IWlNa.COEB
Spanish love name he ever calls her by
Is 'Old Lady.'
'Then there's the girlie who Just
knows that she was cut out for the
clinging vine role. She has a mental .
picture of herself going through life
looking trustfully up to some sturdy
oak about 14 hands high. In the last
chapter we find her engaged in the ath
letic feat of running a boarding-house
with one hand and raising a large fam
ily with the other, while husband sits
back behind the prescription case at the
drug-store down by the corner for
hours at a time pointing out the mis
takes of the second Cleveland adminis
tration. "Members of the ostor-!y drrnipr
sex don't pick 'em any better. The poetically-inclined
youth who feels that
the cravings of his temperament demand
a helpmate that will understand the
longings of his soul and be able to wan
der afield with him into the uplands of
fancy, culling sweet . garlands of senti
ment and truth from the bowers of tho
soul. Is discovered In an unguarded mo
ment leading to the altar Mrs. Henrietta
Vestpatski, widow of the well-known
clothing dealer, a atout lady who looks
Just like a block on the road due to a
confusion of the lighting arrangement
of the block signal system, when she puts
on all her red and green Jewelry. Or
else he falls for one of those gladsome
spirits from the chorus who wears a
etanding-room-only skirt and four pounds
of bracelets on each arm and hae all
the conversational brilliancy of a
cuckoo clock.
"The girl who knows that she could
feel the mad consuming passion only for
some brawny hero that would save her
from a team of runaway horses or a
boat-rocking contest. is eventually
coupled In the running with a small per
son having those large, bright, outstand
ing ears like red semaphores, and an
Adam's apple that is constantly trying
to turn porch climber and his most dar
ing achievement in life is adding up four
columns of figures at once. The man
who feels that he must have for a wife
some timid creature who will bend to his
imperious will and tremble when he s
angrv, becomes the silent partner of an
iron-jawed club lady who buys his
clothes for him and selects what he eats,
thus reducing him to the level of the
tapeworm. which is the only other living
creature except him that's never per
mitted to pick out what if going to
"""The man who can never be 'satisfied
without beauty wins a lady whose teeth
are mainly . being worn on the outside
of the face this season, and ahe has a
countenance that turns to a red interior
scene when she smiles. The girl who
must have Intellect for her's gets a
banker's son whose brain stopped work
ing after he learned how to sign a din
ner check and crank up a machine.
"And so it goes. Larry. Romance la a
grand thing but it don't seem to etanj
the acid or marriage test. Three X s on,
one of sweetheart's letters before mar
riage means kisses and"
"And after marriage, wot?' broke In
the House Detective. '
"Well, said the Hotel Clerk, 'after
marriage it means dasi't forget to order,
that barrel of XXX flour sent up.'
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THE conquest of ttas air Is an as
sured success. As we go to press
the oione w breathe into our
luna-s Isn't as yet overcharged with di
rigible balloons and "heavier-than-alr"
machines and transplanet liners and
aerial excursion boats and alr-llns ex
presses, and the trolley car and the sub
way are still doing business at the same
old stand, vet the progress that has
been made In navigating the air during
the past year, and the recent successful
flights of the -Wright brothers In par
ticular, have demonstrated beyond per
adventure of a doubt, whatever or
wherever that Is, that the day Is not
far distant when a man will be able to
take his wings down from the hat rack
and jump oiT the roof and skim Into tha
opn window of his JS-story office.
While there Is nothing new about the
practice of "going up in the air." the
idea of using an aeroplane for tha pur
pose is comparatively recent. Since the
time of Adam most people have found
It easy to "go up in the air" without
the aid of n aeroplane or a dirigible
sas bag. using nothing more than a
quick temper for the purpose. Married
men coming home late from the club
have witnessed their wives making
soma very successful flights In this
way. I have done considerable "going
up In the air" myself on occasions when
I find the peroration of my pet story
taken out and carefully locked up be
tween a patent medicine ad and a
blood-curdlir.p account of a checker
tournament, or a fat chunk sliced off
my funniest cartoon to make room for
the weekly embroidery pattern.
But Uie aeroplane is tue latest and
most Improved form of aerial trolley
car. Tha 4o-funnle erected In the past
for the purpose of sailing up through
ths ethereal intervening space Into the
wide canopy of heaven and staking out
of a claim on the moon hava all become
more or less discouraged at the per
nicious activity of the law of gravity
and descended In a vertical air line
when somebody pushed them off the
roof. If the aviator (this Is what they
call the chauffeur of an airship) ware
sufficiently able-bodied and lived long
enough after they dug him out of the
main springs of his Invention, he In
variably showed his temper by drag
ging It Into the woodahed and splitting
it Into stova lengths for the kitchen
range. Many a repast of ham and eggs
has slxaled over the blasted hopes of
aspiring Inventors who have tried to
defy the law of gravity.
M. Santos Dumont acquired some lit
tle fame with bis dirigible gas begs,
but they weren't quite satisfying
enough to smash up his automobile and
invest in an airship, because If the
weather conditions weren't exactly pro
plUoua and according to tha Marquis
of Queensberry rules, when you had
made up your mind to take a little flyer
Into New York you would either have
to change your mind and go to Pitts
burg or else stay at home. As a mat
ter of choice most people would prefer
to stay at home than go to Pittsburg.
What the suffering public, has been
sighing for Is a contraption that a man
can pack away in a valise and take Into
his room in a hotel, and that be can
put together some morning before
breakfast and strap to his shoulder
blades and fly out of the window of his
lath-story room In a New Tork hotel,
leaving nothing but his empty valise
and his kindest regards, and alight In
Chicago. Such a machine would prove
popular, and I predict an Immense sale
for it when It is perfected.
This is the sort of aerial navigation
that reaches the hearts of the common
people. We are not Interested in mili
tary experiments, and we don't give a
continental cuss how many times a man
can circle the parade grounds In an
aeroplane when the atmospheric condi
tions are according to the rules and
regulations of the local aeronautical
society, or how many tons of dynamite
a skilled aasassln could chuck down on
the beads of an invading foe- What we
want to know is how long it will be
before we can purchase a pair of wings
and defy the Rapid Transit Company in
all kinds of weather, and how long we
will have to wait before we can take
our family and spend a vacation among
the stars and skim the cream off the
milky way for lunch. Then we'll ba
getting down to cases.
The French have probably been more
Interested In problems of aerial naviga
tion than any other nation, but then the
French have always been a fly people.
Their inventors have a natural advan
tage, as It doesn't take much to make a
Frenchman "go up In the air."
But the latest improved aeroplanes of
Orville and Wilbur Wright have suc
ceeded in "getting oft the earth" and
staying off with more degree of cer
tainty than any inventions that have
preceded them. Many inventors have
succeeded In constructing graceful and
artistic-looking machines. but they
have nearly all committed the same
mistake by trying to fly in them. As
long as they kept them for exhibi
tion purposes only they attracted the
attention of the world and filled scien
tists with wonder. But as soon aa they
tried to take a little morning spin
along the milky way before breakfast
they Invariably filled the hospitals with
inventors and the bystanders with
splinters. .
But the Wright aeroplane has dem
onstrated its ability to go up and frolio
with the pigeons and sparrows till
lunch time, then swoop gracefully down
into the back vard without dinging the
earth or tearing up the sod with tha
aviator's wishbone. With a few im
provements Mr. Wright has hopes that
his machine will soon be in general use
for distributing the morning milk, driv
ing home the cows, running errands,
carrying the mail. Jumping hotel bills,
subpena- dodging, picking cherries,
painting houses, rushing the can; seeing
baseball games. Jail breaking, making
campaign speeches and getting out of
trouble. We would also recommend
that some of our acquaintances buy one
and get off the earth.
A French syndicate has already or
dered a hundred thousand dollars
worth of aeroplanes from Wilbur
Wright, and when they come down to
two for a quarter I am going to buy
a couple to prune the trees with.
They'll come down all right, becauee
all airships come down. Some more
rapidly than others.
Already society all over the country
has taken up the idea of aerial navi
gation, and every town .of any conse
quence and Philadelphia has its aer
onautical society. You can't be in the
social swim any more if you're not a
skilled aviator. It won't be long till
tbev'Il be leading the cotillion in an
aeroplane, and holding pink teas and
ping pong tournaments along the milky
way. ; The use of the aeroplane in so
ciety will also give a fresh stimulus to
the affinity fad, as an aeroplane will
be much harder to locate on a dark
night than a downtown cafe.
If the progress In aerial navigation
continues at Its present rate it won't
be long till the atmosphere will be so
charged with aeroplanes, aerial runa
bouts and pigeon wing freight trains
that we'll have to breathe through a
sieve. The aerial shipping docks of our
cities will be so crowded with com
merce as to shut off the sunlight and
render pit-lamps necessary.
As the time is rapidly approaching
when every man will be skimming
through the -air on a pair of wings, a
few words of advice from an experi
enced aviator may be helpful to the
public. - Wo will, of oourse, have to
have a new set of traffic laws. The
following suggestions are based on a
long experience of studying halftones
of airships in the newspapers:
Cruising outside of bedroom windows
after 9 o'clock at night should be pro
hibited. While unloading freight, dock hands
should be compelled to spread a net
beneath the shipping to Insure safety
to pedestrians. Otherwise the citizen
who gets hit on the cerebellum with a
falling crate of cheese or caddy of
mackerel has good grounds for a dam
age suit against the company.
Excursions and picnlo parties should
not throw empty beer bottles over
board. .
To prevent tying up to church
steeples aerial hitching posts should be
provided. .
Any person cruising over baseball
grounds for the purpose of swiping fly
balls should be arrested for high lar
ceny and have his license revoked.
Mashers caught loafing along the
Great Milky Way for the purpose of
flirting with Venus should be locked
up and the practice discouraged.
Any aviator who gets hit in the eye
with a shooting star has no just cause
for a damage suit, as he should stick
to tha chorus girls and leave tha stars
alone.
Freighters should keep to their reg
ular air ohannel, and not Interfere with
the pleasure craft and mail steamers.
Any ship's officer who throws a mon
key wrench or a sparker plug at a
deckhand should be held personally re
sponsible for the damage he does to
the town ha is passing over at tha
time.
If any one falls overboard and be
comes impaled on a lightning rod or
weathervane it is not necessary to put
out a lifeboat.
Newspaper editors getting out of
Jurisdiction of the courts will be given
right of way at ail times.
Trust magnates securing a priority
of claim on the sun, moon and stars
should not be permitted to charge ex
orbitant rates for light and heat.
Any person trespassing on the earth's
drbit and obstructing Its progress
should be fined and imprisoned.
Milkmen should be enjoined from
staking out a dairy claim on the Milky
Way.
Other rules and regulations to gov
ern aerial traffic and meet the new
conditions which confront us will sug
gest themselves from time to time, and
any aeronautical society or inter-planet
touring club wishing advice should not
hesitate to approach me on the subject.
As time rolls on and the public be
oomes more accustomed to the novelty
of sitting on the edge of a cloud with
a gum overcoat on, wa will taka a
higher view of things and realize that
It is no longer mere idle badinage
when soma one tells us to "get off tha
earth."
The Card System
New York 8un.
Mack Is In the harveit field
Bringing In the sheaves. .
Hitchcock In the gloomy wood
Indexing the leaves;
Voter, Voter, have, a care.
Careful -what you do!
Indexers are everywhere ,
They've got teb on ye.
Bryan's in the writing-room
Freeing all the slavei,
river's on the sad eeuhore
Counting all the waveJ;
Balance sheets are being drawn.
Who's to bring the glueT
Voter, Voter, have a care.
Soma one's tabbing you.
Hack is running here and there.
No time, he. for worde;
Hitchcock's running everywhere
Listing all the birds;
Clerks are indexing the stare
In the heavens blue;
Voter, don't you dare to sneeze,
Sone one's listing you.
Indexed, sorted, classified.
Listed, tabbed, arranged.
Balanced, added argus-eyed
Clerks are hired and changed.
Ticketed snd filed and checked.
Careful what you do
Else yoru whole career is wrecked,
They are listing you.
Experts are about the caves
Ticketing the rocks,
Everything's a yellow card
In a filing box.
You're a check mark made some place
lasting until Fall,
All the world's a filing case.
You're a card that's alll